We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Exactly what is a toxic person?
A toxic person isn’t someone who gets it wrong sometimes – we all do. It’s someone whose patterns of behaviour consistently leave you feeling smaller, less certain of yourself, or emotionally unsafe. It might look like criticism that cuts deeper than it should, put downs poorly disguised as ‘honesty’, judgement disguised as ‘opinion’, control that closes you in, or a way of being that slowly erodes your sense of who you are. Over time, your nervous system will start to read the relationship as something to brace for rather than soften into. You might find yourself over-explaining, second-guessing, or working too hard to keep the peace. The important thing to know is this: the problem isn’t that you’re ‘too sensitive’ or ‘too much.’ It’s that something in the relationship isn’t holding you in a way that feels steady, safe, and respectful – and your system is responding exactly as it’s designed to.
What are the signs of a toxic person?
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
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They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
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They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Why do we stay?
We don’t stay with toxic people because we’re weak or because we don’t see what’s happening. We stay because something in us is trying to make sense of the relationship, to restore it, to keep it safe. The nervous system is built to move us towards connection, not away from it—especially when that connection has mattered, or still does. Sometimes we stay because hope is loud, and because we remember the moments when things felt different. Sometimes we stay because leaving feels like loss, and loss can feel more threatening than what we know how to manage. Sometimes we stay because of obligation – a parent, a sibling, family. And sometimes we stay because the relationship fits an old story about love, belonging, or what we need to do to be enough. None of this means the relationship is right for us. But it does mean there is nothing broken in us for finding it hard to leave.
How do I deal with a toxic person?
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots, or risk your mental or physical health, trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
same tho I have a group of friends and one of them is kinda rude and toxic and yea just u know but yea they are rude
(all of this is complicated, so please bare with me):
My best friend of nearly 6 years, and I are both recovering from a mistake I made LAST YEAR. (Not yet a year ago, but pretty close). Last year, I got a boyfriend (I am gay), and ditched my best friend for my boyfriend. I would make plans with my best friend and cancel or even just plainly forget about those plans. I started dating my ex boyfriend December of 2019 into 2020. I made plans with my best friend way back November 2019 to spend New Years together, but I forgot and ended up spending $200 for a romantic plan for my ex and ditched my best friend New Years. I did a lot of things that I am not proud of, but eventually I began to attempt to fix my mistakes and make a mends.
It has been over a year, my ex and I broke up, my best friend and I moved out of my parents house and are living with her mother in a different state. We made a new life with new friends together at the same job and everything. For the past year I have made a commitment to proving myself worthy of her trust again and fixing our relationship. She almost cut me out of her life while I was with my ex, multiple times, and I don’t blame her.
The issue at hand is, I’ve tried to fix everything, and I’ve tried proving myself trustworthy. But I have yet to date again since that incident. And that is the thing, I do change how I act and who I am when I am in a relationship, usually… but I know for a fact, since everything that happened, I would not change myself again and I would have my priorities straight if I began to date again.
Both my best friend and I are worried about me dating again, and truth be told, while my best friend said she’d be happy for me if I did start dating, she’s not ready to trust me being in a relationship yet, and she also said that she’d never let me change anything to suit her wants and needs, because she isn’t toxic in that way, but she has said that she, deep down, doesn’t want me dating… but only because she’s afraid to lose me again.
Two – three weeks ago, I started talking to someone (not to date, originally just to meet a new friend, but I ended up liking them) and I was extremely afraid to tell my best friend about them because I wouldn’t know how they’d react, and I was afraid of me losing everything that I had tried to fix because of me talking to someone. So, she had a feeling that I was talking to someone, and asked me about it, and I was so scared of her reaction, that I lied to her face for a whole week, saying I wasn’t talking to anyone… she found out, I forget how, but she did, and she was angry with me and extremely hurt, because that’s actually how I began dating my ex as well. I hid stuff from her back in December as well… and there were a lot of similarities between December and this past recent time. We argued, and this didn’t help my redemption plan… I was eventually going to tell her, but it didn’t help me in the long run. I ended up breaking things apart between me and this new guy because if I was going to date, I was going to go by doing it the right way… now, I am currently single still, for over a year.
Recently, some feelings have been brought up and realized that she’d hadn’t realized before, and now we are awkward when around each other… again. We are slowly getting out of that awkwardness. But she had told me (after asking myself) if I was on thin ice with her still from December, and she said yes, and that in the odd chance I start dating again, she is preparing herself to cut me out of her life…
To hear those words come from her mouth, it hurt me more than most things in my life have ever hurt me. I’d never admit that to her, but it did. I understand why she feels that way too. But the thing is, is that, if that is how she feels, then I don’t know why I am even still apart of her life in the first place. I want to be apart of her life, but if that is how she feels, then she really doesn’t seem to think we are even remotely close to being best friends anymore, let alone the siblings that we call each other. That also means that the hard work that I have been working on in the past year for redeeming myself, didn’t mean a single thing. It was pointless.
I had asked her at the end of that argument, that if I started dating again and was able to prove that I can be trusted and that I know my priorities and all that, then would that help us become stronger again. She said it was possible, but in order to prove to her that she can trust me, she needed to open up a little trust to me, which she doesn’t want to, nor is ready to do.
So until she is ready, I don’t feel like I can start dating… and I told her that, she told me in reply that I can start dating, but she can’t promise me that she’d be able to start trusting me enough for me to prove anything yet because she’s not ready to. She said “I’d force her hand” to trust me a little, which didn’t sound reassuring.
I know she means well, but I am really bothered and hurt by all of this. Some information on my best friend:
She is dating my other best friend, who I also work with. He is great. Both of them together are a power couple. She’s happy as can be with him, and because of her lack of trust in me, she is also happier with him (which is understandable because you’re naturally going to be happier with someone new because it is exciting.. fine.) I’d be a hypocrite for not understanding that. But, they are happy together, she doesn’t have a lot of time to spend with him, me, or her mother, and has little to no time to herself, so splitting time evenly is difficult. Well, we were suppose to hangout just her and I this past Saturday, which didn’t happen. We just spent the entire day in separate rooms of the house. But, usually the three of us are hanging out, or it is just me and my guy-friend, or it is my guy-friend and my best friend.
When it is the three of us (almost all of the time) it hurts me to be around them because my best friend never did anything wrong to me to make me hate her being with someone, but here I am feeling hurt because she’s able to have a perfect relationship and I am here feeling so guilty from December that even with her full trust and happiness, I wouldn’t be able to date again because I’d have PTSD from it. (I have undiagnosed ptsd, but I have diagnosed anxiety and bipolar depression). Anyway, so I am hurting because I really want to date, and I want my best friend and I to finally be in a great place and for us to be on the same mental page of our friendship status together. Neither of which seems possible anymore. And I am breaking so bad, and the only person that I know i can talk to, is the problem… so I feel stuck. I can’t talk to anyone, nobody can help me, nobody will help me, even online… and I don’t really know what to do.
I’d never cut her out of my life. EVER. I don’t care how bad things get between us, I’d never actually leave her. But she would. Everyone would leave me, they always have.
I just want to date someone and feel that romantic love that everyone around me gets to feel. My co-workers, my only two friends, my best friend’s mother, everyone I know is in a relationship… and it hurts knowing that it is going to be impossible to date again without being in a worse, untrusting place with my best friend… and it hurts so bad I’ve actually been suicidal a lot more frequently than normal.
Part of me finds it fair, because I hurt her so bad with my ex… (I have left a few things out to keep the story shorter than it could be) but even to my standard they were such bad things, I hate myself for it every day. — But another part of me also finds it unfair because, while I am really happy with my best friend and everyone I have, and i am extremely grateful to have them in my life (which was one of the problems with my ex), I really want the love and affection that everyone else gets to have with their romantic partner… its not like I’d have that kind of affection with a friend or best friend, that is just weird… and… well, nuff said… but you get what I mean… It hurts a lot. A lot more than I have opened myself up to feeling and thinking about. I don’t know what to do… I need to talk to someone about it, and I need advice… I’ve asked my best friend and her mother and just about everyone I know what I can do… and none of their answers were remotely helpful because it just contradicted what everyone else said and the truth of the matter is… I don’t think there IS any coming back from December’s mistake…
Oh my. I feel bad for you. I don’t know when you posted this. But I hope things work out. I mean sitting down and talking to her could be a start. But your happiness is important. But you don’t ever want to leave your friend. She could cut you out of her life but you wouldn’t do the same. No matter what happen. I don’t know exactly what you did but if it was horrible. I would focus on trying to make the relationship between yall stronger. And if you ever wanted to start talking to someone sit down and tell her that you are interested in someone, instead of hiding the fact because that is never good. That would just break the trust between yall more. But if it is putting a strain on you it might be best to end the friendship. It would be very hard and painful. But I say give it another shot. You truly love her I know. So keep trying. I’m unsure if your religious but if you are pray about it. No one could really give you the right advice. Its up to you. And please don’t harm yourself. I don’t even know you but please for my sake don’t do it. You have people that love you and need you even when you don’t see it. You matter. -A friend
It sounds like you’ve been bending over backward trying to make this friendship work and she’s using your past behavior to control you. You’ve apologized and changed your life to suit her. That she feels she has to control your private life as well is going way beyond what should be happening. I hope both of you can come to an understanding and remain friends but if not you’ve tried. You have a right to your own life and happiness…if she doesn’t understand that then she’s not as good a friend as she’d have you believe. Real friends want each other to be happy. Good luck.
My husband has been watching porn lately and has been doing it for months hiding it and lying about it. I finally had a talk with him about it or tried to atleast and he kept lying acting confused as if he didn’t know what I was talking about when I had the evidence right in front of me. He made it seem like I was lying to him. Then after lying over and over he said ok maybe a long time ago I watched porn then more and more lies then it got down to maybe last week then maybe two weeks ago. Anyways I don’t even know anymore I can’t trust him. Then I told him to leave because he didn’t seem to even care. And he kept saying he told me the truth when he did not he lied to me. Not once but over and over. And the thing is I was gonna try and help him with his addiction or whatever I wasn’t yelling or being rude. He was and making me feel worthless like I couldn’t do nothing. Anyways back to my point he then started to change the subject bringing up something I had done, nothing to do with porn or anything sexual, just something that happened in our apartment. So then I was like we are talking about you and your porn. And he was all like well what about you? You do stuff too why are the fingers always pointed at me?? Let me put it this way I am so loyal to my husband I’ve done everything he’s asked of me without question. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Is this him being toxic and how can I somehow tell him how he’s being towards me. Because he just doesn’t seem to care and is trying to point fingers at me now.
Well the lying isn’t good, but he probably felt embarrassed. Porn is a fairly normal thing for adults to look at. For me, it gives me a safe space to fly my freak flag . But it’s my space, it’s private.
On its own it seems like a small reason to kick him out, but for you it could be the last straw, and besides, everyone has their own set of morals and maybe porn is on your ‘Red’ list if you catch my meaning.
I am always for people trying to work issues out, but without knowing you it’s hard to advise.
I hope you guys come to an accord one way or the other, marriage is a big deal, but if it’s not right then it’s better to divorce than stay miserable for years.
Can I just ask you is it the fact he watches porn that bothers you? Or the fact he is lying about watching it?
I grew up with both parents being physically and mentally unstable, this wasn’t “toxic”. My parents did the very best they could but also displayed ALL of these characteristics, I had to attempt to navigate this with little to no help, support or resources and found very quickly this was impossible on my own. I now engage in these familiar behaviours and a huge part of that is my BPD, I experienced A LOT of trauma, I couldn’t register how to treat people in all of that and as a twenty five year old I still struggle to find and keep jobs and maintain relationships. This is a negative and maybe “toxic” cycle, but it’s the only thing I know and I’m getting all the professional help I can but I still feel like everyday is a uphill battle. It’s been 11 years of talking therapy and I still feel worthless! But I WILL keep trying to change my mindset but things like this make me think not only am I wrong for being and thinking the way I do (which although very true), makes my recovery so much harder, I know my parents didn’t set out in life to hurt anyone, they just didn’t know any better after all of there traumas, and neither do I, but please don’t label us as toxic. We’re just living with invisible illnesses. I hope anyone that relates to this is ok.. We are not bad people trying to be good, we are sick people trying to get better.
all you can do is try. at least you know that you have a problem. Keep trying and you will find an answer. Good luck.
So i was in this one relationship just the other day but i left him. He stopped talking to me all of a sudden because i stopped showing him my body, he said that he was always busy with video games and Anime, but i think he was mad that i stopped showing him my body. I believe that it was toxic, but i´m not quit sure, could you help me clarify?
I started dating this guy, before he was so nice , sweet , but later on I started noticing some changes in his behavior. When I visit him, he will say I will need to clean his house or wash his plates all the time, I always do it but not doing it anymore because is like he is using my time and energy. We will be going to a store and he will tell me to greet everyone he greets, I got really mad at him. Because I feel like he is trying to control me. I have the right to decide who to greet and who not to greet. I told him that greetings is a choice. He got really mad at me, I stood on my words. One time he was talking to a lady on his phone for a very long time and when I ask him, he will tell me stories, I know is wrong to check someone phone but I had no choice but to check the messages, it looked to me like they were in a relationship. I ask him, he said no. But he spent half of his time talking to this lady. Well what will I do, I just became quite and that pushed me to another man who loves me so badly and can do anything for me. But I don’t like or love him, whenever I try, I feel like I am hurting the other guy, but I let him go by telling him the truth. But my boyfriend behavior drives me crazy, one day we got into a fight and he took my clothes, shoes, I gave him 2 hrs to return it or else I will call the police and my lawyer and his will meet in court because I will be so happy to sue him for theft, he became scared and returned it. Please I need an advice
Your story sounds very very similar and familiar. This guy too always says hes washing dishes or cleaning his house. And picks fights with me over nothing and its obvious but he dsnt care to spare me the pain of fighting horribly knowing hes just not gonna be honest! But d as mn . Very familiar!!
It’s a small world I wouldnt be surprised if it were the same person 🤣 …Alot. of these stories seem to be about THAT same person . Sad what ppl chose to do wrong reasons instead of for the right reasons!!
wow i really thought i was to blame and then came across this there is so many signs of her being toxic to me and the worst part is either way she is my kids mom and i have been with this woman for 20 plus yrs and i have tried to walk away only to put myself back in the same spot and and at first there was promises that things would be different as to the way i was treated “ie”talk to me like a piece of trash in front of my kids yell at me in front of them and i mean over NOTHING like the door slammed and made to much noise i did not jump when asked and just more insane from there i have also had to live with her father for the last 16 years in the basement so if i walk to load thats another BS fight and her Father does no wrong he has used the only car we have for 10 plus years and i mean we have had to replace the vehicle we have had to many time to count as he has driven 2 foot by resting his foot on brake peddle while driving wearing the breaks and the auto transmission always kicks down as the brake is always on and again “no wrong” i have a hobby i enjoy and now things are going missing and we have a 2 pitbulls i don’t think anyone would break in but i’m missing things and no one else in this entire home is and i mean there is 2 ps5’s 3ps4’s and so many other valuable things and i was told i am crazy and if i brought it up it would be a fight so for the sake of the kids i let it go also with the kids anything i try to teach them or to go brush there teeth is met with her saying they don’t have to undermining me as a father i have put my ENTIRE family aside for this i have not talked to my parents for years as she said i had to choose as they were not good enough mean while more then half the time it came down to he expecting gifts or money for the kids and i still stay why because i love these kids and i know if i don’t she will brain wash them to hate me and i Refuse for them to think all people are like her GOD HELP ME!!!!!!
You are absolutely not to blame. You are a victim of manipulation and gaslighting. ABUSE. She’s most likely a narcissist and sounds like her father could also be. It’s a family dis-ease. Seek a therapist or counselor ASAP and tell them exactly what you’re going through. They will validate what you’re feeling and help you make sense of this insanity that you’ve been living in for far too long. They will also help you see that you are not at fault. You are a prisoner. Do not feel bad for her. Do not blame yourself. Your wife is toxic. I’m sorry you are going through this. You do not have to live with abuse. No one should tolerate that. Try online therapy, it’s worked for me. Covered by pretty much all insurances. I am currently working through childhood and adult trauma and am a survivor of narcissistic abuse from my family for 30 years. All is not lost. Remember who you are.
Do yourself a favour. LEAVE . I had the same stuff except no dad in the basement. You deserve s loving relationship.Go get one. As for the kids, they will cope. Mine did.I now have a great wife. Just do it.
So umm hi. I have really bad anxiety issues and PTSD. I tried talking to someone who I thought would listen to me but in turn they judge me and say not everything is about you. I was describing to them how I feel like a burden or a bother to everyone around me. Is this a toxic person?
i want learn why i am like ,everything i read you said
Same man
So sad I read all of the comments. I don’t understand either this is the second woman Ive been in a relationship with that hasceither a daughter or grandon who is a heroin addict.. enablers pure and simple. A great piece of advice if you remotely think someoje is a addict enabler. Walk away!
Does anyone here live with someone toxic who constantly says I don’t know in somewhat of a sarcastic dismissive and rude fashion? 99% of the time there isnt a question being asked it’s just something they say after anyone says anything. Most of the time the conversation isn’t even directed toward them they just the others if they have to interject with the phrase I don’t know.
(Example: Your name could be Brian and you could say out loud hey my name is Brian and this person has known you for 30 years so they clearly know your name but they will respond “I don’t know” In a condescending tone)
they will say if Even if the statement wasn’t directed toward them. Again, it doesn’t even need to be a question. They just feel the need to say “I don’t know” in a condescending snotty type of way.
can give me on someone who’s got tendency? Thank you
I had this with an ex- colleague.
It was quite a few years back.
Coming close to Christmas.
I was trying to be social during a lunch break. I asked her, “ are you attending a Christmas meal with your athletics club”.
The answer, “I don’t know “.
On this occasion I wasn’t even aware that anyone could even give the silent treatment.
Since then I had numerous silent treatments from her.
The time when it really broke the camel’s back , was the time when I fell out with another colleague, this lady never spoke to me for well over a year.
When ever this silent lady saw me in a room she would run out, then the behaviour turned into her barging me out of her way. Other occasions she would be extremely nice to me, still during this silent treatment.
I felt confused, I never knew what she would be like day by day.
Until I made the effort of avoiding her.
Management blamed me, suggesting I was ruining the morole of the work team, that it will be best if I left.
I have a house mate who is the same. Just doesn’t want to speak to me full stop.
Over some minor incident over 2 months ago.
Another housemate apologised.
This house mate bears a grudge.
In personal experience it’s best if you find another job, these people are only going to get worse.
Difficult during a pandemic.
Good luck.
Sorry, it’s not someone you work with.
You can look for another houseshare.
It’s only going to get worse. Best start looking for somewhere else to live.
The best of luck.
my boyfriend is toxic and i will allow him to texts girls and stuff and even allowed him to hangout w three girls (one he used to like) and two of his guys friends, but i cant text a guy back that messages me first. i used to be good friends w this guy and i literally had to drop him. i feel so trapped in my relationship but i don’t wanna lose him because he loves me and i love him. is there anything i can do?
`You need to call him out on this or seek therapy for the two of yous, if he refuses then im sorry but he probably isnt worth it in the long run.
If someone loves you and cares for you, they don’t try to dictate your life and who you can and can not talk to. Double standards. You know what you need to do to live the life you want. No person who makes you feel trapped is worth losing friends, time or life over.
Just my advice. If he’s toxic why stay? That’s only going to make things difficult and hurt you in the long run. Trust me there are so many other better guys out there for you. And I understand that you may feel trapped but you need to get out of it before you get hurt.
Am I in the right place
Whenever my partner and I argue, I end up feeling guilty and end up being the one to apologize. Is it something he does that subconsciously makes me react like this or is it just my personality trait? I tend to be excessive when it comes to my feelings and emotions; I love hard, feel more even when I don’t have to, I care for others more than myself hence I blame myself for a lot of bad things that happen. I feel like I’m the bad person in the relationship and often take the blame for fights. Sometimes I will lose sleep and my appetite over unresolved fights or when I’m upset and he hasn’t taken the time to check in. I feel neglected more often than usual, I keep stuff in lately because I don’t want to be the “bad guy” all the time causing fights. I believe I’m a very understanding person so whenever we have to talk about something I take the time to ask how he feels or might have felt at the time only to find that there was something that triggered a certain behaviour.
I’m not sure if this will get better as we grow in our relationship or it’s a red flag and I should take it seriously.
I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 months (he is 22 and I am 23). Recently I was at a party without him and we were snapchatting. After wishing me a happy new year and telling me he loved me, he asks me if I am wearing self tanner. I tell him yes. He tells me it looks terrible. While he has expressed previously that he doesn’t like it (he thinks it looks unnatural) he has never been mean in his delivery. After telling him he hurt my feelings he responded to my messages with “k” even though I was trying to work it out. The following day he answered my intial Snapchat’s passive aggressively and tells me he’s annoyed. He gave me the silent treatment all day and then gave a half assed apology. He said he was and wasnt sorry. Something along the lines of he wanted to tell me something doesn’t look good before the world does. In a way I think he thought he was looking out for me. However, my friends are concerned that this behavior is just a precursor to other future and more intense bad behavior (this is the second time he’s done the whole silent treatment thing). I know it’s not great and I’m not condoning it. I do think he’s immature and has some only child syndrome in him. My question is his current behavior indicative of future bad behavior? Do I need to jump ship? Is this a maturity thing that can evolve into something better?
Run! This is only the beginning of something you don’t want to deal with! Good luck.
Julie and Lisa.. UK here too…Happy New Year to you!
You both have my sympathy & empathy …. ‘family’ members of any age can be as toxic (maybe more so) as non family.
Just coming through a very stressed time with my own health and now, with a sibling, sharing end of life home care for an elderly parent….who wasn’t expected to make Christmas but thankfully is still with us. You’d imagine a time of closeness, coming together as a family ?
Sadly, it’s far from it….it’s like the pack of wolves from childhood has been reborn!!
So much toxicity it’s like savages acting out.
Doing best to be calm on surface, for sake of parent who in final days deserves better but internally, so upset & sickened by behaviour of 4 family members, have decided post death change will be a total cut off… the decision is overdue, it has been liberating and uplifting ….it’s given me strength to know there’s an end in sight.
Damaging behaviour has gone on for years, I just can’t take any more of it, I’m completely done and relish the thought of freedom and peace of mind.
It’s so easy to question yourself, get dragged down mentally, even though you know you’ve done nothing wrong. Thankfully many loving, balanced, ‘normal’ friends allow perspective to be used and help esteem. I really hope you both have such people to support you too….you need them!!
The saying ‘friends are the family, we choose for ourselves’, has such truth in it.
It’s absolute hell to try to deal with toxic family. For what good it might do reading this, know, even if it’s a just a stranger online, there are people who understand and share similar experiences. I found comfort reading your posts and hope this might do the same for you.
There are also some good personal online supports which help YOU, one is called: wellbeingandcoping.net Designed by a UK Consultant Psychiatrist, it’s free to use and gently gets you feeling back in control.
Toxicity is so harmful in any aspect of living….worse when family are the source, hard though it may be, cutting it out is usually the best solution. Wish you both well, along with any others suffering toxic family …. it’s hard to do but REALLY we need to decide boundaries to protect ourselves and not let them be crossed or broken. Best to all.
Gaslighting is a big component of how toxic people operate. If you’re always made to feel
like you’re the rude one and the crazy one, it’s because a toxic person is gaslighting you and it’s crucial to double down on being confident about your perceptions and what’s really going on.
My mom is toxic AF, and we decide to just leave. It is mostly because she is jealous AF, and people won’t leave her alone. People also hate others and especially mom. They also think that she is different, because shes way too sensitive. My mom currently has a criminal record on herself, for child abuse.
lol that’s my mom 🙁
Hi,
I decided that I would go to a refill shop to refill with washing up liquid near where I work.
When I brought it home.
One of my housemates was opening the cupboard under the kitchen sink.
Of course the washing up liquid was above the sink and there was a spare bottle under the sink.
I said to her. “ this is washing up liquid above the sink. Your most welcome to use it”.
“Oh nice”. was her answer
Another housemate came in while I was eating my dinner.
Housemate 1 pretending she still didn’t know it was washing up liquid.
Housemate 2 arrived.
“What’s in that washing up liquid bottle “? Housemate 2
“I don’t know “ housemate 1
“It looks like water “housemate 2
I said “it’s not water, it’s washing up liquid, I don’t know why I bothered to buy it.”
“ well we didn’t know what it was and that you had brought it”. Housemate 1
“It’s washing up liquid” I said
“Do you get clear washing up liquid?” Housemate 1
“Yes eco washing up liquid, is clear” I said
“Well thank you for that”. Said housemate 1
I felt upset and hurt.
I decided to buy a cheap green bottle of washing up liquid from the corner shop.
Housemate 2 is still in a sulk a week later.
Every time I try talking to her she walks off.
I resolve to text her about the situation to try and make amends.
I was called selfish, self absorbed, I make her cough and everything else under the sun.
The same as the washing up liquid I got thrown back in my face, I had my apology thrown back in my face.
Even when I throw some shoes in the bin. I was ordered to take them to the recycling centre, as housemate 1 did not want to see them in the bin again.
I took them to the recycling centre.
Oh no they had to go to general waste, not recycling.
I had to apologise to her again.
I shouldn’t have been the one to apologise, it should have been housemate 1.
She didn’t even admit her mistake, or apologise.
This time when I tried to make up, she said I was self absorbed and that I was self centred and she didn’t want to talk to me ever again.
Good thing too, as the texts she said were horrible.
YOU NEED TO LIKE YOURSELF AND NOT LET OTHER PEOPLE MAKE YOU FEEL SMALL.
YOUR ONLY MISTAKE IS BOTHERING WITH PEOPLE LIKE THAT. THE MORE YOU BOTHER
WITH PEOPLE LIKE THAT, MORE TIME GOES BY FROM YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU COULD BE
SPENDING IT WITH PEOPLE WHO ACCEPT YOU AND MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD!
If you felt like you were out of line, apologize then move on. If she wants you to grovel around trying to get her to give you her approval she’s being toxic which is abusive. So my advice is “ fo- Get- aboudit “. If she wants to hang onto the issue then it’s hers and let her keep it if she wants, meanwhile go on with your day with a smile snd live in the present not the past. Namaste
I am in the ministry, and have fallen in love with a younger woman 22 years jonger than myself. I used to be n miljoener but have lost all my money looking after this woman. She has SPD an regularly degraded me because of our age, but she keeps giving me the best sex ever. I am hopelessly in love with this woman but my funds have run out and I am afraid she will now dump me. She.is honest enough to say she does not love me, but she needs me. What can I do in this situation? I am also n married man in the ministry.
I THINK YOU KNOW THE ANSWER. LEAVE HER!
C’mon, the best way to deal with an annoying person and their comments is saying «yeah, you too, buh-bye!».
Reading this made me feel worse and worse because I’m 100% a toxic person to my boyfriend but he still loves me but I was thinking about breaking up with him because I wasn’t happy with the relationship but I realise it’s not him its entirreellyy me and frickk.
im the freaking toxic person. and i didnt even realise until I read this and saw how bad it actually sounds i hate myself oof
WORK ON CHANGING YOUR WAYS A LITTLE AT A TIME. DON’T BS YOURSELF BY
SAYING YOU DON’T LIKE ACTING THAT WAY…..DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I’m so happy for you, it’s great you realized it and if you feel bad about it it means you are a good person. It’s never late to change, tell him you love him and want to change, get help, you can do it!
Great… my sons father is 12/12.. but you see the problem is is I’ve used terms like gaslighting or abuse or toxic and now yeah you guessed it I am the abuser… this is also textbook it’s funny when you think that these sickos are unique
Im so sad! This information was so good for me to hear. Im experiencing 1-12 with my beautiful 21 year old daughter. She has been like this for years. Her dad and step mom treated her so bad during the time she was with them. I took her back at age 12 and she worships the ground they walk on no matter what. When it comes to me, the one thats always supportive, loved her through everything unconditionally, always there, paid for her education, bills, and deals with all the BS: I get treated like 1-12. Im heartbroken! Now Im 50 years old left feeling worthless, questioning how I raised her and dealing with her behaviors. She is unappreciative, ungrateful, disrespectful and acts like I owe her. If I ask to talk to her and I express my feelings and end up crying, she calls me a baby. She says Im a grown ass woman acting like a baby and Im too sensitive. She doesnt take responsibility, doesnt clean, doesnt help with bills etc.
Im left feeling like the bad mom who does everything wrong. I know thats not true it just hurts ya know. And I keep letting her back in my house because shes my kid.
What do I do!
Dear Lisa,
Greetings from England, hun.
You are not alone.
I live with longterm boyfriend (he’s 54 and I’m – hopefully – a youthful 61). His son, who I’ve known since he was 9 months old, lives with us, although his mother lives 10 minute car ride away. We live on boyfriend’s family farm, but his son treats it like it’s his. Machinery, yard, tools, house which all belong to boyfriend are gradually getting wrecked and destroyed/broken. He is 19 and has never worked since leaving high school at 16. He doesn’t want to work, even though 6 jobs have been found for him (by his dad and his mum), all have fallen through, due to his attitudes and lazyness. He treats and speaks to everyone/anyone who isn’t useful to him, with scorn and rudeness. I have had 4 breakdowns since moving in with boyfriend 4 years’ ago and boyfriend is on edge of depression and hanging on by a string. Now Christmas Eve today and another daily arguement is progressing, due to destruction of the yard and selfishness and arrogance of son.
Can’t go to mother’s as she is recovering from operation and Covid etc etc. she won’t have him over at her house.
Boyfriend and I are constantly bickering and yelling at each other, as nothing he says or does or consequences work or change his son’s downright aggressive ways.
I feel for you, with your daughter’s behaviour and just had to write to let you know that you are not alone.
However, until they recognise that their APD and anti-social ways are wrong, and want to change, then there isn’t anything that can be done. And if there isn’t anywhere for them to go, should they be thrown out of our homes (I’m sure you won’t want to do that, my boyfriend doesn’t want that either), then nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing will ever change.
I am nearly at the point of moving out, but feel that at my age, why the hell should I leave and have to live and struggle on my own and be totally lonely. My friends have stopped coming round and my own son and daughter have their own lives and families far away in other parts of England.
We are stuck, but can’t find the answers and I hate it.
Take care, Lisa, and keep as well as you can in these awful times. Sending you kind thoughts. x
I had a similar situation in Wisconsin and the people who you are talking to are only the ones that read what’s in front of them and have no suggestions for any other options I don’t know how I finally got past them but I did and was able to get some help! The only people who can make any decisions or changes are State drug and alcohol evaluation people but don’t ever expect them to offer that information!!!! Idk if you already did this but if not….give it a try…I sure hope this helps? Good luck!!👌
Recently I’ve been noticing signs that my friend could be toxic. I write fanfictions as a hobby and we talk online. We don’t know each other and that’s for the best. She is a she and provides ideas and has recommended stories I would enjoy to read. At first from last year in December 2019, we got along well until this year, ironically this December, and a few months back, I felt that have been instances where she has done things that are listed of what makes a toxic friend.
1. When I asked for her opinion on a story, she loved the idea and help me with the pairing. When I told her about doing scenes where the character is struggling with love life with two romances sort of like from Lost Girl Bo, Lauren, and Dyson, she immediately said she was upset and didn’t want to read my story anymore all because of the romance confliction. The story is telling a story than just focusing on the main character’s romance and she won’t read a good story because the pairing is not what she wanted. I found myself having to please her and deciding not to go with what I intentionally had planned. It almost feels like a manipulation and me having to please her so she won’t be upset.
2. Recently when I was doing some chatting about what characters you would ship and I asked which male characters would you ship with this main female protagonist from a story I published and we discussed, she literally thought I was going to change the main romance of the female character when I never was going to because I said it had nothing to do with the stories I worked on. She got so upset that she started twisting my own words when I clearly stated and clarified that I wasn’t changing the romance. I was only asking opinions for fun of who do you ship who, but she took it seriously and then started undermining my other decisions I made when she already knew them and started saying I don’t like it. I was so confused on how we got to point A to Point B and the conversation escalated.
3. Whenever we discuss something important and it may lead to an argument, she decides to switch the subject and talk about something else. Heck, whenever we talk and I give her my response, she doesn’t reply back to what I said and starts saying other stuff and never replies to my response. Also when I do reply, it takes hours for her to responded and when she does, the message isn’t even long. Sure there are times she messaged me something long, but recently they take one or two and the response is short.
4. Also when I set a schedule for story updates we discussed, she forgets and gives me a new schedule and I have to remind her that’s not what we discussed and then one time when she asked me to update a story out of the blues, she said to do it because she is going to be watching movies and couldn’t spare time to read for a few minutes and pause the movie on her TV and it pissed me off that she can’t wait for the day the story is suppose to be updated all so she can watch movies. If it were her computer being repaired or trip it makes sense but update quickly just because you don’t want to miss a movie? That’s not a good reason and you know what? I did the update. Worked all day on it.
5. Whenever she says an idea that I don’t like, she outright ignore my response and continues to talk that I should do it when I have said no, in the end I do it.
Yesterday we argued and I got chills and goosebumps. The conversation turned so weird and confusing that I was getting chills of this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. She acts nice and sometimes when I say something, I have to choose my words carefully otherwise she says she’s feeling sad and slightly angry? How could she have gotten sad and angry so quickly?
When I get mad and I tell her, she tells me the next day she couldn’t sleep because she was sad that I was upset for what she suggested as an idea or telling me to meet an unreasonable due date for story update and then I tell her its okay.
I feel like a fool and I have seen the listed signs. I asked myself why am I doing this? I told myself before that I noticed them and I was going to set boundaries, but clearly I flouted that. I can’t do this to myself. Maybe she doesn’t realize how she’s behaving, but I can’t believe how she changed from last year as we never met face-to-face and only go over story beats or talk about tv shows and movies. She gave me ideas to work on and I enjoy them, but now… I don’t know what anymore.
What do you all think? If our conversation leads to another pointless argument like I mentioned from above, do you think we should quit chatting if the conversation reaches to that point? Because maybe that’s for the best. It literally happen and instead I apologized when she started the argument because I didn’t want to stop our nice chats of discussing pop culture.
Just now, she said she won’t read a story because of some angst it’s going to have between two characters when every story needs angst and I guarantee people are going to love it because of the emotions that will be in it. I mean not every story is for everyone, so why should I change everything I worked so hard on because one person doesn’t like it? I better not see her comment on it because she said she won’t read.
I literally cursing behind her back now when I never did that before. This is how far things have gotten. Cursing at her to myself.
I came across Quora Digest about a year or so ago, and all types of Narcissistic
f’ing mind games that they as supremely toxic sub-human type people; my SO
has literally taken everything from me : material belongings, ruined my car, after
ruining his other 2 , robbed joint bank accounts, and bounced so many checks
that it took me years to be able to get an account on my own, period. I’ve been
sole caregiver of our only ( adopted) daughter since she was born, and what do
I have to show for all this sacrifice…..well, now after a double-mastectomy he’s
busy working ( hard) to psychologically turn my kid against me ….because he
knows that’s what’s most important to me……..he tried to break my spirit , and
came close, but I bucked up….and it’s really weird,l but noticed he somehow
knows that I finally see through all his shit, lies, and kissing my kid’s ass, and
encouraging her to find fault with me, and swearing at me is fine, as he buys
her off with more expensive video games !!!!
Horrible ( bordering) evil /toxic people do exsist (sp?) , I KNOW !!!! NOW!!!!!
Lol, I don’t know if anyone is gonna see this but what is it called if someone is really rude to you one moment and tells you lots of hurtful words, but then the next moment they give you the things you want like money and cook you your favorite foods. Because my mom does that a lot and I don’t know if that’s borderline bipolar or… If someone can give me answers that will be great lol.
I could somewhat tell this person was manulative, as I’ve been in many manipulative relationships before, but I really love this her so I’ve been hiding that fact from myself.
But now I’m rethinking things and looking for proof to myself to cut her out of my life.
She undoubtedly does all these things, but I feel too guilty about leaving her. She stopped me from committing suicide a while back and I feel like I owe her my life for that. I’m also afraid that she’ll harm herself if I leave because she has suicidal tendencies just like I do.
But the worst thing is, is that the longer I’m with her the more she influences my own personality. Sometimes I pick up on myself being slightly manipulative without meaning it and I know for a fact I’ve never been manipulative before. It’s like I’m picking up her behavioral traits without even knowing that it’s happening.
I need suggestions on what to do because I don’t know anymore, all I know is that this relationship is toxic but I don’t know how to deal with it
The sooner you leave this person completely without looking back, the sooner you can start recovering from all the damage this person is doing to you every single day. Find a way out now!
I’m in such a downward spiral because I just want to please my SO. He constantly does all 12 of these things and we’ve been married for only 2 years. Some days he has me questioning if I even want to carry on anymore. I came from a mother who was just as toxic and I’m starting to think I can’t get away from it.
Divorce him!
Ppl are attracted to what they r used to. Break ur circle. YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Good morning. Please take care of YOU – first. I have been there…you cannot move any one that doesn’t want to be moved – change or SEE what they are doing, either by choice or denial. If you are not sure, if you want a divorce – do take a break. There is to be JOY in our lives. And toxic people can even get enough air for themselves and they suck the life out of others. God knows and HE HOLDS YOU..lean in to Him…and STAND UP FOR YOU _ _ ACTION is LIVING!…
You can say no more, please consider leaving.
Divorce now before kids are involved!!
Thankyou so much . Sometimes I think we can be involved in abusive toxic relationships so long we as normally fairly intelligent people in hindsight seem clueless , even simple minded and dull when it’s in black and white put so truthful and real . Some of us have been in nothing but abusive toxic relationships starting from childhood and I have to question if I’m crazy or too soft .. maybe both . Still I thank you fir this because it reminds me everytime I begin to feel the Stockholm effects of my ex and my old relationship coming back and I feel like I have to be his friend and help how he manipulates me all over again and I won’t allow that again now
Sara