If toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a high-powered warning and secure packaging to prevent any chance of accidental contact. Sadly, families are not immune to the poisonous lashings of a toxic relationship.
Though families and relationships can feel impossibly tough at times, they were never meant to ruin. All relationships have their flaws and none of them come packaged with the permanent glow of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven, and occasionally rehashed at strategic moments. For the most part though, they will feel nurturing and life-giving to be in. At the very least, they won’t hurt.
Why do toxic people do toxic things?
Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen – but the type that keeps people small and diminished.
Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism, judgement, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.
It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.
Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.
Even the strongest people can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident, more wounded version of the person they used to be.
Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants – control.
Toxic Families – A Special Kind of Toxic
Families are a witness to our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws. All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core.
Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs – but for every disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt and any fantasy that things could ever be different. And here’s the rub – the pain of a toxic relationship won’t soften until the lesson has been learned.
Love and loyalty don’t always exist together.
Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us. The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works. We trust them, listen to them and absorb what they say. There would have been a time for all of us that regardless of how mind-blowingly destructive the messages from our family were, we would have received them all with a beautiful, wide-eyed innocence, grabbing every detail and letting them shape who we were growing up to be.
Our survival would have once depended on believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question that we might deserve better. The things we believe when we are young are powerful. They fix themselves upon us and they stay, at least until we realise one day how wrong and small-hearted those messages have been.
At some point, the environment changes – we grow up – but our beliefs don’t always change with it. We stop depending on our family for survival but we hang on to the belief that we have to stay connected and loyal, even though being with them hurts.
The obligation to love and stay loyal to a family member can be immense, but love and loyalty are two separate things and they don’t always belong together.
Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships. What you need to know is this: When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.
We stop having to answer to family when we become adults and capable of our own minds.
Why are toxic relationships so destructive?
In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.
Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate. When one person in a system changes, whether it’s a relationship of two or a family of many, it can be challenging. Even the strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and insecurity at times in response to somebody’s growth or happiness. We are all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions that come with being human.
The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control.
Why a Toxic Relationship Will never change.
Reasonable people, however strong and independently minded they are, can easily be drawn into thinking that if they could find the switch, do less, do more, manage it, tweak it, that the relationship will be okay. The cold truth is that if anything was going to be different it would have happened by now.
Toxic people can change, but it’s highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It is likely there will be broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them – but the carnage will always be explained away as someone else’s fault. There will be no remorse, regret or insight. What is more likely is that any broken relationship will amplify their toxic behaviour.
Why are toxic people so hard to leave?
If you try to leave a toxic person, things might get worse before they get better – but they will always get better. Always.
Few things will ramp up feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns in a relationship. For a person whose signature moves involve manipulation, lies, criticism or any other toxic behaviour, when something feels as though it’s changing, they will use even more of their typical toxic behaviour to bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that feels acceptable.
When things don’t seem to be working, people will always do more of what used to work, even if that behaviour is at the heart of the problem. It’s what we all do. If you are someone who is naturally open and giving, when things don’t feel right in a relationship you will likely give more of yourself, offer more support, be more loving, to get things back on track.
Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realise that it’s not the tearing that hurts, it’s the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.
Think of it like this. Imagine that all relationships and families occupy a space. In healthy ones, the shape of that space will be fluid and open to change, with a lot of space for people to grow. People will move to accommodate the growth and flight of each other.
For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that shape is rigid and unyielding. There is no flexibility, no bending, and no room for growth. Everyone has a clearly defined space and for some, that space will be small and heavily boxed. When one person starts to break out of the shape, the whole family feels their own individual sections change. The shape might wobble and things might feel vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever it takes to restore the space to the way it was. Often, that will mean crumpling the ones who are changing so they fit their space again.
Sometimes out of a sense of love and terribly misplaced loyalty, people caught in a toxic relationship might sacrifice growth and change and step back into the rigid tiny space a toxic person manipulates them towards. It will be clear when this has happened because of the soul-sucking grief at being back there in the mess with people (or person) who feel so bad to be with.
But they do it because they love me. They said so.
Sometimes toxic people will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak, stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have heard the word plenty of times before.
The only truth you need to know is this: If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.
Love never holds people back from growing. It doesn’t diminish, and it doesn’t contaminate. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. If it doesn’t do this, it’s not love. It’s self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else’s idea of how you should be.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but a healthy one is a tolerant, loving, accepting, responsive one.
The one truth that matters.
If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. It might mean walking away from people you care about – parents, sisters, brothers, friends – but this can be done with love and the door left open for when they are able to meet you closer to your terms – ones that don’t break you.
Set the boundaries with grace and love and leave it to the toxic person to decide which side of that boundary they want to stand on. Boundaries aren’t about spite or manipulation and they don’t have to be about ending the relationship. They are something drawn in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the doorway is to you. If the relationship ends, it’s not because of your lack of love or loyalty, but because the toxic person chose not to treat you in the way you deserve. Their choice.
Though it is up to you to decide the conditions on which you will let someone close to you, whether or not somebody wants to be close to you enough to respect those conditions is up to them. The choice to trample over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. It doesn’t mean you are excluding them from your life.
Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgement, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. No relationship is worth that and it is always okay to say ‘no’ to anything that diminishes you.
The world and those who genuinely love you want you to be as whole as you can be. Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken and malnourished.
When you were young and vulnerable and dependent for survival on the adults in your life, you had no say in the conditions on which you let people close to you. But your life isn’t like that now. You get to say. You get to choose the terms of your relationships and the people you get close to.
There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them.
The growth.
Walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.
Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step.
You can’t pretend toxic behaviour away or love it away or eat it, drink it, smoke it, depress it or gamble it away. You can’t avoid the impact by being smaller, by crouching or bending or flexing around it. But you can walk away from it – so far away that the most guided toxic fuelled missile that’s thrown at you won’t find you.
One day they might catch up to you – not catch you, catch up to you – with their growth and their healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their need to control you.
You can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect and kindness. This is one of the hardest lessons but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones.
Sometimes there are not two sides. There is only one. Toxic people will have you believing that the one truthful side is theirs. It’s not. It never was. Don’t believe their highly diseased, stingy version of love. It’s been drawing your breath, suffocating you and it will slowly kill you if you let it, and the way you ‘let it’ is by standing still while it spirals around you, takes aim and shoots.
If you want to stay, that’s completely okay, but see their toxic behaviour for what it is – a desperate attempt to keep you little and controlled. Be bigger, stronger, braver than anything that would lessen you. Be authentic and real and give yourself whatever you need to let that be. Be her. Be him. Be whoever you can be if the small minds and tiny hearts of others couldn’t stop you.
[irp posts=”1602″ name=”When It’s Not You, It’s Them: The Toxic People That Ruin Friendships, Families, Relationships”]
PUT YOURSELF FIRST. Your inner peach will thrive every single day once you’re out. Cut the toxic people from your life if you can. Cut all of them right out. Now if it’s on the job you can’t-but do that with all you can. Don’t stand for one ounce of abuse. Your self respect will reach new heights and keep on growing for the rest of your days. Better to be alone and at peace if need be. Take care of you. Guess what-it sends a clear message-your silence-to the toxic ones that they have zero power over you.
i cannot thank everyone enough for the messages. i am 8 days out of a 3 year toxic relationship and it is hell because of the immense guilt i feel over leaving him, but all of your uplifting and positive words make it a tiny bit easier. thank you!
I feel like I sat down in a roller coaster and now I am stuck on it just praying for it to stop soon so I can get off. Some days are almost good for me now, I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I know I am making some headway and can maybe even have a somewhat normal life again one of these days.
I’m slow but sure gathering all the tools I need in order to survive this ordeal and it’s looking like I’m getting closer to the day I will finally feel free.
I see the day when he finally decided to throw me away as a gift now, because it took that total devastation I felt and still feel, to make me open my eyes. I can finally see that I was headed down a one way street that lead only to a dead end, and I realized then I wasn’t ready to be done living. And I didn’t want to finish my life never knowing what true peace could feel like. And I started this journey I have fondly named, “My Journey to Hell and Back”.
Since the day this all started I have been searching and and reading and studying everything I can find about Toxic People and the more I read, the more I know I will never be able to help him, change him or make him understand me. I know today that he is becoming a part of my past and I know the only answer to the whole thing is to just LET GO of it and of him.
That is part of the journey and possibly the toughest part of it all. It doesn’t only mean to let go of him, it also means to let go a huge part of my own self. I have to change parts of me that have gotten me though this life and still feel comfortable.
Part of this is the overwhelming desire to understand it all. I keep thinking if I could just understand what happened it won’t be so tough to move on. But now I know I don’t have to understand it all. I only need to know that I am being destroyed by it, and I need to stop allowing it. It doesn’t matter if I know why, it only matters that I know. I don’t have to justify it, I don’t have to explain it to anyone, and I don’t have to wonder if it is right or wrong, I just need to do it. f And I know now if I can stop this finally, it will allow me to figure all the whys and ifs when I am safe, if I still want to. I hope this makes sense to you all, it barely does to me yet.
There are so many questions I want to find the answers for and I discover more of them everyday and really, at this point, I can’t let myself get bogged down with all the details, I just have to keep moving the right direction, and that is OUT. It’s way to easy to lose my direction if I start questioning it. I am in a fight for my life and I am the only one on this earth right now that can save it. And all the sorrow, the pain, the regret, I can deal with that stuff later. When it’s over. I feel like I am living on the edge of a cliff right now, one wrong step and I”m a goner. And the only thing keeping me fro going over is my gut instinct telling me not to stop, not to slow down and to pay attention. It’s so basic yet so tough and if I slow down or get distracted it will all be over. And this website is a HUGE part of my lifeline right now, seeing what you all have to say is helping me to keep my focus, it is reinforcing my awareness and keeping me alert to what dangers I might be facing. It’s like a harbor in a storm and it gives me a safe place to stop and take a deep breath so I can finish this journey finally. At this point, I am so totally looking forward to the end of the story. 🙂 My love to you all.
My mother iis insane. The most toxic manipulative Parent I have ever encountered. She lives in this toxic box and has driven me down into this toxic situation with her. How can someone destroy their only child. I Hate her. She is disgusting to look at or even breath the same air. Being on the same planet with her makes me sick. Hate, Hate, Hate………
I have finally found this article to reassure the decision to leave/walk out the door was not wrong without any remorse. It was a really long story and I really thank you for publishing this article. Without this page I couldn’t find hope, strength or a greater sense of understanding to have a much clearer insight to the man who has hurt me deeply and what he’s done to me with reviewing his actions. He’s done every single action to make me feel hopeless, to crush my values and brutally mind wash me by believing that what ever he says is truth. It was hard to distinguish his true identity without understanding a person’s behaviour and their appealing words that can control your worth and own values. Theres so much of what I faced and I cant explain everything and how hard and complex the situaton was and I really appreciate the wise words of this and the support within this page. Triple thumbs up for sure without doubt. No individual should ever feel worthless, I guess confidence is all we need and to prevent intruders from changing our opinions and precious values.
I just walked out of a toxic relationship of 2.5 years with a man who battered my self esteem, manipulated me, and tried his damnedest to keep me in my so-called place while all the while insisting that everything he did was for me and that I always got everything I wanted.
He would accuse me of not meeting his needs yet every single time I’d ask what they are he would reply with a version of “what’s the point in talking about it now, like it’ll change anything,” or “if you really loved me you would just KNOW.”
Conflicts always turned into fights, which would never be resolved because the most he ever did was apologize or promise to change but never followed through. He even accused me of cheating all the time… His reasoning? Because I had sex with him frequently and enjoyed it. Therefore I must be a slut.
The final straw came 2 days ago when my refusal to mope around due to his poor treatment of me, and instead visit with my mother exploded into an epic fight.
He wasn’t home when I got back but upon his return he called me an asshole and went to bed early. I was floored again (commonplace in our relationship by now since I was beginning to see through his toxic tactics)… Basically it became an easier option to just accept his bad treatment than to stand up for myself because he would just turn it around on me to make it seem like I wronged him for speaking up rather than addressing his role in why I had to speak up for myself in the first place. It all became too much for me to take for even one more day so I moved back in with my mother and haven’t looked back, yet I feel a deep grief over our split even though I know it’s the right thing. So it’s 4am and I’m trying to make sense of this long, drawn out, horribly negative experience and can’t thank you enough for posting your vast and empowering knowledge online. It’s a godsend to someone like me who’s searching for what went wrong and how to put the pieces back together. I’ve learned more from your website alone than I have from years of costly therapy.
Again, my deepest, most sincere thanks.
This truly spoke to me as this describes my last relationship. I actually looked up this article online today because I ran into my ex today at school. We had a nice conversation and caught up for a few minutes. I am the one that walked away, and though I tried to many times, I finally did it. I was okay after seeing him today, but then I needed to read an article like this to reassure myself that I made the right decision. It was brave, hard, but brave. And I know one day I will look back with no regrets. Thank you for this article, it is nice to know that I am not alone.
I have been married for 14 yrs but together with my husband for 20 since I was 18. I thought we were growing up together. We have two kids. I paid my own way thru college and became very successful. I worked my way up. Climbed vey high and he never graduated high school or got his GED. I built the house he wanted, bought the cars he wanted, always meeting his needs. I worked all the time. Then my Dad died and I fell apart I began drinking too much, way too much. All the time. I had a breakdown. I got DUIs and went to jail, I resigned from my job. My husband said he loved me and would be there. Who was I kidding. He lied to everyone. I ended up going to prison which saved my life and he told all my family he was working. He wasn’t he got laid off from his menial job. Started having an affair with his brothers wife’s sister who is 15 yrs younger. Then he stopped paying the mortgage. He only paid the utilities but he paid it with my money. He brought the other women to my house and had the affair in my bed. On the day he picked me up he told me he needed a break to figure things out and the house was 4 days from foreclosure. The kids needed to stay with me because I was more financially capable of taking care of them and he did not love me anymore. He wanted to see if he could make it on his own. He was going to stay with his mom. The house was not in is name so what did he care. Not thinking about me but you getting laid off from your job a yr before and not trying to find a new one with 2 kids, I asked him do you not care about what could have happened to these children if you were out out. He said I knew you were coming home and would figure it out. You always do. I should have let him go then but I didn’t. I did know about the affair yet. I found out about the girl and I called her. I then told her the truth about him. That the house she came to was mine, and I had to file bankruptcy to stop foreclosure, he had no job. The car she got picked up in was mine. And he has not worked in over a year. So he came back wanting to work things out. Well it’s been 9 months and he has not looked for a job. He does not love me or these kids. He uses sex as a tool for what he wants. I need him to leave and he says he will but he also keeps saying I can come back anytime I want and that scares the shit out of me. I am now sober 4 years and officially disabled because drinking almost destroyed my body. I drank a hole in my stomach. I am selling my home and moving out of state. He keeps saying I will be down there when you get there. I say not with me and he says I know just to visit the kids. This is not healthy and I don’t think it will ever get better. I just think I woke up. I have taken care of him our entire marriage and the one time I needed taken care of he jumped ship. It showed me I will never be able to be vulnerable with him which I think I knew all along I just buried myself in work. I am a pleaser and I got burnt out trying to make everyone happy.
This is exactly what I’m dealing with in every way and I don’t want to hurt anymore! I don’t know how to walk away, I love him, I just want it better! I’m 30 yrs old and we been together for 12 yrs.. But he’s lyin checking out women in front of me and very secretive.. Locks the phone and gives me no attention.. He doesn’t work I work 40-50 hrs a week to support him and our daughter.. He gives me no attention calls me names and blames everything on me!! Famous words I’m not doing anything!! It’s been like this since early November or last yr when I found emails from an another woman .. It’s killing me.. The pain is so real and it’s breaking me.. I just want to be strong and be able to be happy.. I don’t understand.. I feel so little AMD I hate myself.. Why am I such an idiot and stay.. PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME AND HELP ME UNDERSTAND… I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO TO OR WHO UNDERSTANDS.. Thanks Tiffany…
It’s never easy to leave a relationship, but when you leave a bad relationship, the pain of that will eventually end. Staying in a bad one means the pain just keeps going. Ask yourself what you’re scared of happening if you leave. Are you scared of being on your own? It sounds as though you are already on your own – this man doesn’t sound as though he has your back and the way he is treating you doesn’t sound loving or nurturing at all. Are you worried about what your new normal will look like without him? What it won’t look like is suspicious, angry, sad, lonely. Are you worried that you will leave and miss him too much? It sounds as though you have been missing the man you fell in love with for a long time now. The key is finding out what you are scared of, and really having a look at that with an honest, open heart.
How do you approach the breakup? I am living just like you said in fear. I keep putting t off. Im sared he is going to go crazy like he always does. Im afraid he will hurt himself or others. Im afraid he might come to my house or my job. We have 2 year old togeher o I mmunicate and let her see him. How do I do that with a crazy man who think Im ruining the family. IDK what to do i feel stuck
Mine was my sister and my mother. My sister learned this behaviour from my mother at a very early age. It is a power game for them. It took me years to break away from the sibling: that was 10 years ago. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. I grieved for the loss but I knew that to have any sort of peace in my life I would have to walk away. I have no contact with the sibling but still have contact with my mother who is now in her late 80’s. I think the worst thing about all of this is that nobody intervened. There was no accountability on behalf of the abusers. There were no boundaries. They thought that because we were related they could do and say what they liked to me. I read lots of books on shame, co-dependency, emotional abuse etc and these helped me. I also joined blogs such as this and realised that I was not alone. I think having an understanding of why people behave as they do has helped me also. This is in no way condoning their behaviour. I do not feel sorry for myself and I can’t say that it’s been easy but I think I would have had some sort of breakdown if I continued in these relationships. I do not hate the abusers but I no longer carry the burden of anger or resentment towards them. To anybody embarking on this journey all I can say is to have some other support around you when you make the decision to walk away. Other friends or family or some sort of group you can go to. Also, be kind to yourself because you deserve it.
Sue,
I went through exact same thing with my mom and sister.
It starts young.
My mother passed away in a nursing home and my sister made everything difficult.
Stay no contact and be at peace. We have no control over others but we can protect ourselves from abuse.
I understand your pain.
Hugs.
I have been there!
I married 9 years ago and I am finally free.
While dating 11 years ago he was wonderful!
I was everything to him.
We virtually came from different sides of the tracks however, I was happy and excited for this new venture.
We moved into a home and things were amazing.
I felt pure love
We married a year later and he started to treat me like a piece of furniture in the home.
There was no physicsl connection and I kept trying harder and harder to be a good wife.
I dug gardens, painted and did everything I could to make him happy.
Nothing!!! Absolutely NOTHING.
I was perplexed and very ipset since I work so hard at staying in shape and my appearance was always at the top of my game since I had modeled for several years in my past.
He had no interest in me at all.
I cried and begged for affection. To no avail
I left.
I hot in my car and left him.
10 months later I returned because I did love him.
He said he would change.
Three years latetr still absolutely no affection.
I was even open to the fact that maybe he was impotent.
He told me it was because he did not know my family????
I barely knew my family.
I came from an upper crust family who had means.
This was a poor excuse.
Love is love.
I found myself drinking wine every night.
Self medicating yet still having dinner on the table every night with a clean home and a spectacular lawn and gardens.
Btw this was all provided w my money.
We are talking years and years of my support
My Father was sick and I did not introduce them since I came from wealth and he came from a struggled background.
It was my Fathers wishes not to be involved
I would move mountains gor my Father
Well he died and in my deepest grief I was in court fighting my non sisters for our family trust
I flew to Colorado to my best friends for a repreve i fell ill and found out that I had breast cancer.
I underwent 8 surgeries in the corse of 18 months.
I expressed this to my husband on surgery one
He was so angry w me that he said I had undergone a reduction??
I gave him the address where I was and he said he would come see me
He never did
3 months later our dog fell ill so I went home to be w him
My husband acted as if I were there for him
This honestly was not my intent at all
He had crushed whatever I had for him
I left a month later
And I tried to ho back to make it work 7 months ago
He shut the door in my face
What he does not realize is that he did this to us not me.
I loved him and tried so hard
No affection for years no anything
I felt broken and cried for months
I picked myself up and have moved on
His family is toxic and so is he if he continues to be this way
I am not the first woman he has fone this to
I feel so free now
I gave an amazing man who loved me whole
I do not hate my husband
I ferl sorry for him
I could crush him in court yet I am to kind
I tried my hardest yet he is toxic
He came from toxicity so he knows no better
I have found MY peace
I hope all of you will
Moving on is hard yet acceptance is key
My heart is deep as well as my soul
I wish no harm on him
I just hope he can break the pattern!!
3 years ago a dear friend of mine that is a psychologist told me that the person I was with was toxic. I believed her and tried to end the relationship. But I was sucked in, over and over and over – all the while feeling like I could do more, be better, try harder. The good times were far and few in between. The bad times were VERY BAD – with repeated reminders of how horrible and insensitive and uncaring a person I was. It was like being in a fun house at the carnival. You know who you are but these distorted views of you are all over the place and that is what you see – and you start to believe it. I have left this person and I feel relieved that I will no longer be in the grasp of his cynicism but I feel so guilty because I know I have hurt him. I’m on the road to recovery – thank you for this article. It really did help to see things more clearly.
I couldn’t have come across this at a better time in my life. Everything I have read here about toxic relationships has been so true and it’s like I’ve finally woken up to my ex partner’s behaviour. I’ve been on the receiving end of drunken late night calls, where it’s all been about him, his achievements, what a great guy he is, etc, etc but the reality has been he’s been constantly undermining me with references to the way I act, look, eat, and I could go on. The following day he cannot remember a word he’s said but somehow it’s supposed to be my fault. Even sober the constant crisicism is wearing. I’ve had two attempts at salvaging this rubbish but finally he walked out after telling me that all the time he’s been enjoying my hospitality that he’s always thinking of another woman who dumped him before me – nothing like making someone feel like a consolation prize but what made it worse is that she shared my name! The strange thing is that I should be feeling desperately hurt but find that I have an overwhelming sense of relief that he’s gone and I can get my life back on track. To all those out there experiencing this type of a relationship – have faith and get out of it – be yourself and learn to love yourself again when you’ve been so undermined, enjoy the peace it brings – it is far better to be alone than endure such toxic behaviour.
Thank you all for your message, am in this 13 year relationship I love him but now he is getting his own place. Am trying to leave that door open to let him know am here but the only powerful thing that happen in this relationship is the sex. It’s 4:00 am and am ready to talk get my life back on track stop hurting because my toxic friend is wanting his own. I will keep reading this.
Wow.
I read this and it explains everything I’ve been experiencing over the past two years. I think, “why didn’t I see that?”
Thanks Karen You are indeed awesome.
Thanks Jamie. I’m so pleased this has helped to give you some clarity. The reason you didn’t see that is because toxic behaviour can be so subtle, and the people who are targets of toxic behaviour are often open-hearted, generous and work hard on relationships.
So I have a slightly different situation I guess. I made a mistake, a big one. I mislead a guy and lead him on for a very long time. I liked the attention. But it was wrong, and I know that. I lied. And I hurt him. But I tried to come clean, I tried to walk away so many times but he would use drug use and manipulation to bring me back. I never could make a clean break. Now, after way too long, I tried to be more honest with him. I tried to just rip off the bandaid and walk away. But now, he won’t let me move on. I think things are going better, I’m being a better person, and then he sends me messages or leaves phone calls suggesting that I’ll never change, I’m shitty, and I don’t deserve anything I have. It feels toxic. I know that I was initially in the wrong, but for months I have been trying to move on with my life and get pulled back. I want to block his phone number, but I’m scared of the repercussions. I’m scared that he’ll find some other way to harass me and it will be worse. I don’t want to be caught in this cycle anymore.
Your fear isn’t a stop sign, it’s a sign that you’re right up against the edges of what feels comfortable, and that’s okay. You sound so clear about what you want for yourself. You don’t have to keep paying the price for whatever mistakes you may have made initially. Be honest with yourself and with your partner, and then be brave. Everything you need to do what you need to do is in you, don’t let your fear try to tell you that it isn’t.
Thank you, he’s not even my partner anymore. I have moved on and am happy in that relationship but being held back by the fear that he’ll try and mess with what I have now. But I can’t live my life like this, it feels abusive to have to rehash everything all the time when I really am being a better person and partner. Thank you
I could not have found this at a better time. A wonderful & impactful piece that I very much needed to read tonight.
My tale of woe is… 6 years ago, after surviving cancer and being left by my husband, I met and moved 2500 miles from home to be with someone. Things were good…not great…but pretty good. then my mom moved to be nearby. Life was better. My SO and I got engaged. We had a big happy family.
Then his mom was diagnosed stage 4 cancer and died 3 months later. This was 3 years ago. Since then, it’s been a downward spiral. His family fell apart. He started spending a LOT of money on things. He started hoarding. Then, more recently, I discovered the drug use and a serious gambling addiction.
I moved out a year ago and we have been limping along, but he is now in a seriously desperate situation (lost his job and home and has literally pawned or sold everything he has). I told him he can come here to detox and plan his next steps.
Instead, he has hoarded my garage (it was promised that it would be only 24-48 hours) and is being terrible to me because I have told him tomorrow is the deadline to get it out (it’s been over 2 weeks). I don’t have expendable cash but I’ve been putting gas in his truck and buying things that he needs. I am going broke.
For years now, he has cursed me, walks ahead of me when we go places, plays on his phone on the odd occasion when we DO go to dinner… my mom doesn’t hate him but she won’t have anything to do with him because he is disrespectful. He only comes over when he needs food or sex. My needs are, and have always been of no matter, though he would tell you I always come first. Whatever. Why oh WHY have I stayed in this for so long?!! Because I LOVE HIM. Because at first it was that I’d moved. Then it was because of his mom. Then it was financial. Now it’s rock bottom. BUT I LOVE HIM. Love love love. That stupid word. I have stayed under the guise that it was to help, but I have only hurt myself. Now he is furious because I have a bottom line with the garage and tonight, when I said, “Tomorrow,” he threw the house key at me and basically said, “Thanks, I’m homeless now.”
Your line, “The choice to trample over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. It doesn’t mean you are excluding them from your life,” could not be more true. COULD NOT BE MORE TRUE. I so needed to hear this tonight and it is going to be my mantra now.
Tomorrow, if the stuff isn’t moved, I am throwing it in the dumpster. Tomorrow, after work, I am going to a NARCANON meeting. I am worth more than how I am being treated and I’m tired of longing for “normal.” He has bullied me into supporting his lifestyle and habits for too long and I’m done. If he ends up on the street, that’s not my problem. I am sad but ready.
Thank you.
Vera you sound clear, brave and strong. You can love someone and not like them at the same time, and just because you love someone doesn’t mean they are good for you. Sometimes it is that love that means they are able to keep getting close enough to cause breakage. You make so much sense and you deserve to be happy. I love that now you are fighting for you. Keep moving forward. You’ve got this.
I have been in a toxic relationship for almost 4 years now we have a two-year-old together and I feel like I am in jail almost every day . We do not live together anymore because the last incident the police were called and I realize we cannot live together but he comes all the time on announced he will not let me go I have told him I don’t love him he said he will never let me go so sometimes to make my life easier because I have another child to I give in and I make myself think things will get better he might change it’s easier to just not argue but then it gets worse and worse and worse and it’s a cycle over and over at this point I can’t take it anymore and I need to know how I can break up with him without him going crazy I can’t move and we live in a small town I’m so scared to do this but I know what has to be done Help
Love is dog food to some selfish inhumane people kick them to.the Kirb don’t feel any emotion for them.cause they care not so why should you waste your good.headedness on them leave them to there misery and pray that don’t find another victim to.prey.on
Thank you so much for this article. I just got out of a very toxic relationship of 8 years. We have 2 children, and for a while my mind was set on salvaging the relationship for my children. I’ve been through physical abuse, mental abuse emotional abuse. He says I’m evil, I’m ugly, I’m never going to find someone to love me, that my children will hate me. I have worked since I was 12. At 15 I had spine surgery that failed. At 30, I was approved for Disability because I have 3 herniated discs, arthritis of the spine, disc degenerative disease, and my scoliosis has come back. I live off Disability. I lost my home, depleted my funds paying for his drug, cigarette, and alcohol habits, and I lost my self worth and self esteem in hopes that if I did everything for him, he would change and love me back as I’ve loved him. He doesn’t work, has never paid me a dime for child support, and lives off women. He has 4 other children of which he never financially supported either. Recently, i found out for the last 3 years he has been cheating on me with a woman who used to prostitute herself and use crack and heroin. It was the last straw. He said she treats him better than I ever did and that he never really loved me, he only stuck around for the kids. He says I’m worthless and live off the government and will always be a nobody. He has a very long extensive criminal background, including a domestic charge for breaking my nose. He claims now that I kicked him out that he will get his life together and take away my kids. I hate that I still love him, that he’s still in my mind and heart. He’s destroyed every part of me. He’s turned me into a nobody. I have severe depression and anxiety, and now my mind is working against me, making me feel like I don’t belong in this World. My heart hurts so bad. All I want to do is sleep. All I do when I’m awake is cry. I can’t seem to get him out of my heart or my mind, no matter what I do. I feel like a failure. He makes me not want to exist in a World where he exists. The pain is unbearable. I just want to get better. I just want to let him go from my heart and mind. I don’t want my children to think it’s like ok for a man to talk to me the way he does, abuse me, constantly cheat on me, talk bad about me, leave my house and not come back for days on end. It is not ok. I just want to heal. I want to get my mind right. It is so hard. Any advice?
I read your situation. I am so sorry you went through all of that. Did you find peace in your life? My heart goes out to you.
Your comments made me cry. I feel for you & there IS a way out…it’s just going to be very painful, at first.
No peace in my 13 years of my marriage just imagine
Hi I am feeling so bad for you, as I myself have been married to a man I’ve known since 11 yrs old. We have been married 31 yrs and 4 children 8 grandchildren I have always thought he was saving me from my ugly path, it became clear that he was a controlling and the meaning of TOXIC in this article. It says my entire marriage to the tee, when I read yours… felt as if I wrote it!!!! My heart goes out to you, for leaving stay far and heal your heart and mind. I AM STILL IN IT AND NOW ANXIETY DEPRESSION AND PTSD HAS TAKEN OVER MY LIFE….HE IS JUST WORRIED ABOUT HIS NEEDS AND FEELINGS….STAND UP KEEP DOING U
Girl, get in that mirror right now, look at yourself and say you’re beautiful. He is a dirt ball and you can find someone to treat you like deserve. Life is a beautiful thing, find happiness in yourself and you will meet someone who appreciates you.
Hi there
Reading all the stories about being in a toxic relationship, is helping me cope. I have been in a toxic marriage for 31 years, my husband is very controlling and puts me down every chance he gets. I am currently raising our grandson, and I don’t make the income he does so trying to see if I can simply afford somewhere to move safe for me and grandson has been a struggle, my husband can be great one minute then the next moment he’s gone crazy, he got mad at me recently because we met a group of friends for dinner, we all piled up in a suv and our friends husband was sitting on the lap of another friend so I snapped the picture, which I don’t know why he got so upset because I sent the picture to all the wives thinking that it was funny which all of us thought so, except my husband, I was called every name possible except for my name. He’s had numerous affairs, and since we have a joint account all my finances are controlled by him he even had control of the stimulus money. If anyone has any suggestions how I can get out of this toxic marriage please let me know.
Imagine your doctor told you that you were dying and that you only had one year left. Now imagine he told you that there is a cure, and that you could live a normal life. The only drawback is that the treatment will take a year and be quite painful at times. At the end you will be disease free. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE between this scenario and what you are asking except that you 1. Do not understand that you too are already dying each day and 2. Don’t realize that a cure exists.
I’m really sorry for what you’ve gone through my husband said that I’m rude to him. I’ve always tried my best to give him what he needs when he need it. Recently I just decided to stop. I’m making time for me. I’ve decided to put in more for my kids and just let him work on himself.
I dont care if he dont financially support I’m now focusing on what I used to love doing and the type of person I am. Setting some positive goals for myself and starting to find myself
Im sorry to hear this.They treat us bad but at the end of the day I don’t know why we must suffer to take them out of our mind hearts that really confuse me🤔🤔
Hello I just read your post. I feel everything you gone through. I am going on 37 years with a man that only past 12 years belittles me. I was a strong mother and wife, and he decided one day that he was going to take that away from me. I spent years, family and friends only see me respond to his hidden abuse. Not physically but emotional and verbal. He makes a joke and people laugh when they only see my reaction and his side comments i only hear. My husband does the same as your husband. And not only that I lost my oldest daughter while pregnant with a toxic man that decided to end her life. Youll never be the person you were before. I am now bitter and angry and hate life everyday because I allowed him to do this to me.
I saved this a long time ago, he’s in jail now and I feel in need answers to know Why. This has answered so many of my questions. I still love him and I don’t know why, but I know in my heart he won’t never change. Maybe he can’t. I want to be strong enough to not let him come back. All I do is pray and hope. Now it’s effected my child and I have to think of him and protect him. Pray for me please. Thank you so much for writing this wonderful piece of information.
God bless anyone who is going through this.
Veronica
Wow. This hit so close to home as I almost killed myself just last Friday because I can’t break free. I’m in a toxic relationship With a baby. I lost my home my job and friends. I just won’t stop. Her personality is spot on. I hope I figure it out soon or I am afraid I’m gonna just be. Another statistic. Thanks for making me not feel crazy!!!!!!!
Narcissists most often abuse social media specifically for the purpose of luring in people they’ve known, or new people, into the narcissist’s life. Narcissists thrive on the chase of the game, the more supporters they rebind to them/their life/personal character via STOCKHOLM SYNDROME tactics is shocking. They’re blind though ardent supporters of the narcissist, that is, until w betrayal or wakeup call incident occurs.
These people exist as if on the ends of spokes on a wheel. The narcissist is at the center, and each person or small group – if related or were involved in a sport – are also assigned by small groupings. Even eras. One hell of a complex spokes wheel. Each person/grouping is told scathing lies and supposed hurtful things or instill jealousy, so as to ensure the people on the wheel have no desire to interact with “others”. Which can lead to comparing notes and an awakening to the truth that they are sucked into not seeing. It is utterly impossible to get this collection of people who are fully devoted to the narcissist to understand or believe the truths of a narcissist’s victims. That is, until an event which always causes their fragile house of lies to collapse pretty epically. Yes. Karma does make its way back to punish the narcissist. I’ve seen it happen, I would be lying if I said I’m empathetic to that. I’m not. They themselves did an epic job of destroying their last bit of people willing to stick around.
It is difficult to not self blame and shame when one is finally rid of them. You are very correct per how narcissists bomb our minds so many times that the mind will flash up a card saying ” remember THIS?” at the most unexpected of times. It takes awhile to detox and get oneself back to stasis in body and soul after the narcissist pulls their irrevocable get the hell out of my life trick. It’s also very hard to untangle the chains binding our incorrect perceptions of “self’. I am here to say the chains do loosen and fall off, though yes there are occasional triggers. a
There’s only one thing a person can gain from a narcissist. And that is an unbelievably stellar narcissist radar.
I’ve been with my husband for 7 years now. We have a 1 year old son. Since having my son, I have realised just how toxic my husband is. We have spent months arguing and I have been fighting and fighting for this relationship.
And I have seen some changes in him, he is trying. But I am still finding myself hurt by him more than I deserve.
And I also believe that his behaviour and lack of emotional support and caring, has caused me to fall out of love with him.
I mean, is that even possible? I don’t want to fall out of love with him, I was once so IN LOVE with him that it was sickening. Now I can’t stand the though of him even touching me. But I don’t want that. I want us to be close and work on our relationship for us and our son. And i want the marriage I dreamed of. He is the man I saw myself being with forever.
I feel so conflicted and confused and hurt.
I really don’t know what to do.
A new baby can cause a lot of changes in relationships for both people. What you are describing is understandable. The important questions are have these problems always been there? Or just since your son arrived? Do you remember a time when your husband was able to give you the emotional support you needed? If things have got worse since the birth of your son, it’s possible that your husband just doesn’t know what you need, or what to do to give you what you need. It can be a confusing time for everyone. New babies are a beautiful addition to any family, but they can definitely put a strain on the relationship for a while, at least until everyone has adjusted to the new normal. If you can remember a time you and your husband were close and loving and nurturing, keep fighting for the relationship. It’s so important to have time out with just the two of you if you can to reconnect and replenish the emotional well in your marriage. It’s important to be able to reconnect as a couple sometimes. This will be important for your son too. If you can, and if you aren’t doing this already, it might also be helpful if your husband can have time on his own with his son while you do something that feels nurturing for you – whether it’s having a quick catch up with friends, having a sleep!, going to a movie. Sometimes new dads struggle with where they fit in, and their new role in the family when a baby arrives. Time just for your husband and your son to establish their relationship and connect as father and son might help this.
I fought long and hard for my relationship(no children together) and finally fell out of love because of the hurt that he could not see he was inflicting that was causing me to pull away emotionally and physically. When in this type of situation, the one being abused tends to send conflicting signals to the abuser, because we are trying to give chances and we hang on to hope that it will stop..not just get better bc that is not enough. That is called settling, children or not. I dont recommend it. Those mixed signals made life hard and frustrating for him as someone who thought I was making Mountains out of mole hills on top of it. I think that you should do all things mentioned in the last comment first if you havent already done so. I always go back to Karen’s advice; if it feels bad, it is bad. And from my experience, finding out the wheres and whys of the abuse can help determine what you may be up against in the long run. Good luck!
Thanks Karen. He hasn’t always been that way. But that was a long time ago when we first met, he was perfect basically.
Then about 7 months into the relationship, he really changed. And he became so so toxic. He was what you would call emotionally abusive.
But I stayed with him regardless.
Our situation is quite different in that we are from different cultures. I am from the UK and he is from Albania.
I hoped that he would change, and thankfully he did. And I was happy for a time. But looking back, he never changed back into the person I first met, he went from abusive, to toxic.
And I guess I never really noticed so much because we had our own lives and I wasn’t so dependent on him.
But when our son came, I really needed him, and he wasn’t there in the ways that I needed him.
And I realised more and more how selfish he can be.
There is nothing nasty or malicious about him, he just doesn’t get what it takes to be a dad and husband. We have had SO many conversation about our expectations and our needs, but he still does get it.
I would probably categorise his behaviour as neglectful. He believes he is doing his best because he is working and providing, which is great, but that’s not all we need from him.
My son and I don’t deserve to feel second best. And I do sometimes.
I want it to work with him, and he has made some changes, but I am finding it very difficult to forgive him for the fact that he just wasn’t there when our son was small, even when he was home, he would be glued to his phone or laptop, his excuse being that he needs to stay in touch with his family abroad, but that means he is missing out in his family here. He would also say that I don’t offer much conversation, so that’s why he is on his phone.
(Sigh) I just don’t know what to do.
Basically all this has made me co dependent and I’m so hurt by his toxicity, that I find myself reflecting his toxic behaviour back on him. I’m being nasty, and refusing to care for him, because he has spent so long not seeming to care about me.
But this is not me. I feel so lost.
<3
I have been dating somebody for the past 9 months (not in a relationship even though it felt like one). We had our challenges (she is still legally married but has been separated for over a year). Things were going well and there would be times where she would need space but then within a day we were back to normal. It was like this from July until labor day of last year. She still to this day thinks we were casually dating but there was nothing casual about it. Casual you don’t say I miss you, you don’t spend the night at my house or introduce me to your child or take trips together.
From September 1 through October 10 everything was good until she distanced herself again. I had been courting this woman the entire time – flowers once a month since July, always said good morning and made sure she was okay. I got her a few gifts (earrings and a gift card). Right before Thanksgiving she had some personal things happen. I got the gift card to help out because I know here finances were getting hit. She looked at it as a negative or I was trying to buy her. It was a gesture of kindness and caring and nothing more but in her eyes it was a negative.
Since the holidays she was acting different (more distant and not communicating as much). She really has never been in a healthy relationship as her ex was manipulative and most men have cheated on her or abandoned her and here is this man being the opposite and she is rejecting it or lashing out at me. We went away the day after Christmas to Hawaii and came back the day after New Years. That following Saturday she wanted to have a talk.
Sunday comes and we sit down and she unloads on me for things that made no sense and she never brought up before. She really was reaching. She said she was annoyed by the flowers (never told me that before) and the gifts (earrings in October) which she could have easily said I can’t accept these but never made mention before she had a problem with them. She had a problem that I showed a picture or her to my mom early on and that my mom knew she was legally married but separated.
Then she said she knew I told everyone we were in a relationship (not even close to being true as I made it clear to my friends and family we were just dating). She goes on to say the weekend she was in Vegas and I picked her daughter up from her friend’s house and took her to her soccer game that I never should have gone in her friends house when they invited me in. I should have said I had something else to do. What the hell. She invited me in and her whole family talked to me. I was just being friendly not trying to inject myself into her inner circle.
She said I don’t know if we should casually date because of all of this. This really seemed manipulative and critical of me for no reason at all. Why are you bringing up all of this now from months ago and a week after we get back from Hawaii? All I heard were things she thought I was doing wrong and nothing about what I had done right. I have been a good man to this woman. I was kind, caring and always there for her when she needed to talk, help around the house, etc.. I know she is still hurt from her past and her ex started crap with her when we got back from Hawaii.
Seems like she took it out on me to push me away and self sabotage this. She controlled the talk and the situation. When we were in Hawaii I told her I wanted to talk to her and she purposely pushed it off and preempted with her own strike. She thought the talk I was going to have with her was about not being physical enough in Hawaii and I told her she was wrong and it was about us dating. I felt bad about myself after this talk and questioned myself but did any of this really have to do with me at all?
Andrew,
No not at all. You should probably count your blessings and run this girl is a narcissistic self-centered user but in no way in the situation you just explained is it about you it is about her and her ex.
I’m on the brink of separating from my husband of 16 years. I have seriously thought of separating for the past seven years. The emotional abuse has been subtle and it has taken me a very long time to notice patterns — for instance, the pattern of him getting stressed out about something whenever I am happy or peaceful. He acted like the sweetest most humble person when we first met. After marriage, he became the “breadwinner” although I was teaching and tutoring part-time (all I could find in the state where he lived at that time). It made him very resentful that I didn’t make more money. He withheld emotion AND sex (unless I initiated it) from me from the 2nd year of marriage. Into the 5th year of marriage, I decided I would stop initiating sex, assuming that he would then make some effort. He didn’t. At all. We ate dinner together, took the dog for walks, and talked about work. That’s it. After 7 years of a stale relationship, filled with criticism and resentment, I said I didn’t think I could stay any longer. He asked me to stay and said he was just starting to understand his problems. So I stayed. He’d go back to acting as before within a couple of weeks. I would get caught up with other things in my life – work, volunteering, learning, etc… and things would go right back. Two years ago, we were staying at a hotel and I went to his computer to look up restaurants in the area. I found a backpage escort service on his bookmarks. He swore that a guy at work had fixed his computer and must have put it there – he showed me a one sentence e-mail from the guy who admitted to it, but I still have trouble believing that — he’s in I.T. and could probably manufacture an e-mail like that. Even though he denied any wrongdoing, just a few days after I found it, he cried and said he was going to take time off from work to focus on our relationship. He went back on that promise in a matter of weeks. Now, he’s taken a job in another city and is hoping/expecting me to follow him. But I will not. It is terrifying as I am in my mid-40’s and haven’t worked a full time job for awhile, plus I just lost my beloved dog of 15 years who helped me so much throughout this abusive marriage. I’m lost, but know what I need to do. I’d rather be poor and working a menial retail job then stay any longer and ruin my life completely.
Yes… but no.
What if you are the depressed one and your partner is nothing but beauty. And then depressed self labels beauty as toxic?
It can happen.
And then articles like this support their altered thoughts… and who suffers? The beautiful ones.
Abuse is bad. Abusive relationships are bad. And if you are being abused, yes- get out. Seek help. Friends. Doctor. Therapist.
Lydia one of the traits of toxic people is that they will see fault with other people when there is none, and see nothing wrong with their own behaviour, when there is plenty. They have no compassion, empathy and will do whatever they need to do to get their own needs met, regardless of how much damage it does to the people around them. Depression is not toxic, though toxic people might use it as an excuse for toxic behaviour. We all have a responsibility to not harm or damage the people in our lives. Depressed people are often very sensitive to the needs and wants of the people around them and they genuinely care. Toxic people don’t do this. That doesn’t mean that toxic people can’t be depressed, and that depressed people can’t be toxic, but it is not the depression that is driving the toxic behaviour. In these instances, it would be likely that the person would be toxic with or without the depression.
I have been in a toxic relationship for 2 years and have recently had the strength to get out, but it may end in me going back to it. I had been in a relationship with my high school sweetheart for 2 years which lead to engagement, and then college happened. I never really realized he was toxic to me until I met someone else who showed me what a healthy relationship was. This was hard for my ex to accept and we have still been in contact since. He constantly tells me he loves me and needs me to come back. This enrages my current boyfriend of course. I just want to be free of this pain. Every day I live in fear of falling back to him because I do love him and sometimes miss the good times that we had. I grew up with him and have barely learned anything else other than what I learned in that relationship. Sometimes it feels like what we had was normal and the relationship I’m in now is not enough, but I can feel the difference. I trust my current boyfriend more and we have a mutual respect that wasn’t there before. I don’t know how to cut the cord for good, especially when my ex is so ready to start a life with me.
This was posted three years ago but I’m in the exact same situation right now. 🙁 Do you have any advice?
I’m right there with you. I’ve stayed, gone back n forth, had a child, broke up, went back, to Ben moved to a different state leaving a lease to “try again”. Didn’t work , went back to home state, was there a year, which took that long just to ger back on my feet after the last move/breakup. Just to do it again 3 months after I finally get into a house and stable, I followed him to get another state. I’ve been Here a year, and I’ve realized I’ve only stayed because I’ve been doing this for so long and he’s completely torn me apart by his horrible behavior. I mean , if you only knew the level of disrespect I experienc from him on a regular basis, the things he says, the things he does when he’s mad, how many times he’s cheated l, hookers, I’ve literally never even heard of any other man being as bad as he is to me, and I stay, like an idiot. But I’m completely dependent on him, and every time I do leave, I just want to be back with him. But I’m finally starting to hate him,winky because of how horrible he punishes me if I don’t sleep with him the night before he will literally not speak to me, (even if we have sex 5 or 6 times a week, if I go more then 2 days, even if I’m on my period, he will punish me, by taking money or things away, won’t let me take the car, calls me names, takes off and turns his phone off and I have no ide where he is, he was just gone for over a week in and out of hotels, just because we weren’t having sex as much as he wanted (and I promise he’s not deprived) I mean the list goes on, he’s the worst man I know, but can be the best at timeS. I don’t understand why I’m not stronger, I know he has issues with me but I just can’t keep allowing him to handle things as bad as he does. Never communicates, only fights , so problems never get solved, only swept under the rug.
I hope we both can find strength cuz we only have one life, can’t get back the Time we have lost and we both deserve to love the life we live, but it’s up to us to change that , I’m 33 now, and have done this with him since I was 21. At some point we hav to understand the severity of our situations especially if kids are involved like mine are, who witness the yelling and name calling and his outrageous methods of dealing with not getting his way.
Praying for u
I met my husband in junior high, we started dating and I was pregnant at 16! He stayed and we were married a year later! I have endured physical abuse, emotional abuse, any abuse you could think of besides sexual! We have been married nearly 15 years and have three kids now! I’m active duty and we live in Japan now! I have endured his constant accusations of infidelity and I have always been faithful to him, him not so much to me! He is an alcoholic and refuses to address it because he doesn’t think he has a problem! He gets mad if I don’t feel like having sex! I used to be so I’m love with him but over the years and all he has done to me I can’t stand him and I am now an empty she’ll of who I use to be!! I am constantly giving him chance after chance in hopes that he will love us enough to change! He refuses counseling of any kind and I’m losing any semblance of who I used to be! I want to divorce him but he is such a big help around here, as much as he is a bastard he cooks, cleans, takes the kids to school and does all of the things I can not do because I’m at work! He has had a hard time finding work here and not for lack of trying so he is a stay at home dad who is used to being the breadwinner back in the states! So I know things have been hard for him but they are hard for me too! I am so terrified of trying to raise three kids on my own, while being in the military, and going to school! It cuts me right deep down into my soul and if it weren’t for my kids I would probably not be here anymore at all!! I just don’t understand how you can love someone so fully only to be met with so much hate and anger!
I’m really glad I found this page and all the conversations everyone is having. I’m going to try and keep this short to save anyone reading this the agony of reading a novel.
I’m pretty young. 27. I’ll be 28 next month. In December of 2015, I ended a nearly 7-year relationship that I should have ended much sooner. But that relationship isn’t the reason I’m here. It’s the new relationship I entered after the first one had ended. I fell HARD for her. I had known her for a year, and we had talked off-and-on, but around December of 2015, things really took off. I connected with her in the deepest way I have ever felt. She lives 2,000 miles away in Missouri. I’m in Northern California.
I flew out to see her for the first time on January 23rd, 2016. So this is an incredibly difficult time for me because this all happened exactly a year ago. Anyway, the day I was able to actually touch her and feel her and experience her was the greatest day of my life. Words literally cannot and will not ever be able to describe how deeply I connected with her. It got more and more serious over time, and eventually, I quit my job, left my family and friends, and drove out there to start a life with her. I know this sounds crazy, but there is so much more to the story that I’m sparing you. Anyway, I started to see, experience, and learn her family dynamic, and it was INCREDIBLY toxic. I can’t go into detail, it’s way too overwhelming.
She also had her own personal and behavioral issues that are most definitely related to her family dynamic and how she grew up. She is addicted to pot (and possibly other drugs, I don’t know), she got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (among other things that she still hasn’t discovered or acknowledged) and her diagnosis was the result of my actions which were, in turn, the result of HER actions. Anyway, I eventually discovered that she had lied to me about A LOT of things. Almost exclusively in the name of obtaining drugs (pot), and the rest in the name of fear of what I would say if I found out that she was lying and not getting better.
Throughout all those months though, we connected so deeply and enjoyed each other’s company, even despite living in separate states. Again, I can’t emphasize enough how happy and connected I was with this girl. I was madly in love with her. I had seen her essence. Her true core. And I loved her completely and truly (and I still do, but perhaps we’ll get to that).
Anyway to start closing things up, I eventually started to learn that I can’t be her caregiver. I can’t save her. She has to do that on her own. I offered her help MANY times, and gave her the opportunity to get help with me along her side. I wanted to support her. She repeatedly didn’t take the help nor go out there and find help. She was addicted, depressed, and just completely emotionally unstable, and it was destroying our relationship. I had increasingly kept my distance from her because it hurt me too much, and I had told her that several times.
In November 2016, she reached out to me and said that she finally understood why I was keeping my distance, and said that she loved me, wanted to marry me, have kids with me, take care of me when I was sick, etc. She also said that she was done being stupid and was ready to change (which she had said similarly in the past). I remained cautious and kept my distance, and kept my boundaries as best I could. I told her that until she gets herself involved in some kind of recovery, I cannot be a part of her life. She claims to have understood that.
Now, I need to bring this up randomly, but it’s important…we had had so many deep conversations about what sex meant for us. For me, it’s the ultimate way of expressing love towards someone. Hence the term, “making love.” I was her first. She always said how special and emotional it was for her, just as it was for me. Our sex was unbelievably deep and intimate…for me. I THOUGHT it was for her.
3 weeks later, about December 27th or so, I found out that she had sex with another guy. Our relationship had never officially ended. This DESTROYED me.
I never once would have EVER thought that she would do this. I’ve been dying inside for the past week and a half. Once again, the connected I had with her…it was so special. And then she went and did that.
So today, I confronted her about it. I needed closure. I’m still hurting very VERY badly right now. In my heart, my stomach, my whole damn body. I told her what I needed to say. I let her say a few things, and I told her that it would be the very last time that she ever sees me and hears my voice.
I’m having a hard time deciding whether I feel any better, but at least I don’t feel any worse than I already was. I still feel like I’m going crazy. Because despite what she did, and how toxic she was, I’m still so deeply in love with her. I would have loved more than anything for our relationship to bloom. And maybe I’m still clinging onto that. But at the same time, I’m trying to do the right thing and let go and move on.
It is SO hard to do that though. I have never met anyone like her. I have a photographic memory. I constantly have visions of all of our memories. Down to the details. I’ve seen the best of her; the part of her I fell in love with. But I’ve also seen the worst. And that’s ultimately what did us in.
I don’t know what to do or how I’m going to get over her. I’ve been seeing an MFT since September, but I used up all of my EAP sessions today. I also don’t have any friends, really, that I can talk to. And my family has issues, so I can’t find help there either. I just feel empty, dead, and like I’ve lost a huge part of me that I can never get back.
I’m SO in love with her. What she did was unforgiveable by many standards. And I’m even crazy enough to forgive her. I told her that I forgive her. But I also told her that I will never forget. And I know I am strong enough to stay out of complete contact with her. But internally, I am suffering very badly. I just don’t know what to do.
I feel for you, your situation is much like mine. I found out nine month’s ago after 40 years of marriage that she was sleeping with one of my so called close friends during the first seven years of our marriage. She did this out of spite for something that I supposedly did back then.
Talk about an f***** up deal.
I am busted up just like you are and am lost and don’t know what to do either.
I am really considering walking but am worried about our son and what she might do. Will she ruin his life just to spite me for walking away?
Karen,
I am in a toxic relationship and I am the poison! My wife and I have been married 25 years and have 2 great kids! We have had our ups and downs but the last couple of years have been bad, and really bad for my wife.
We are both in individual counseling and we have both discovered we are codependent personalities, my wife has really been doing her work on how to deal with her issues and I have been continuing the same old behavior and of course you know the outcome, I am pushing her farther away…I have finally started looking at myself and realize that I must change to become a better person and a genuine person and in the process hopefully save my marriage. I have finally realized that my marriage may be over, but I see that if I don’t change I will be toxic till I die not good for anyone or any relationships, I am working hard to learn to change my behavior, do you have any recommendations for the toxic person to heal and become a loving, caring, and healthy person.
This is such a turnaround point for you. It’s so difficult to own the parts of ourselves that are harmful, but you’ve done that. Now, it’s about staying open to that. Listen to what your wife needs and let her know what you need, gently and with an open heart. Check your impact on your wife and if you aren’t sure, ask what happens for her when you do or say certain things and what she needs instead. Change is never a quick process and there will be good days and bad days. Eventually, the good days will be much more and the bad days much less. Your needs are important, and so are hers. Look after her needs, let her look after yours and be open about what you need from each other and the things that get in the way of that. When you do anything unfamiliar, it will probably feel clumsy or awkward and you might feel the drive to go back to what’s familiar, but be open to the fact that this isn’t getting in the way of change, it’s part of it. All the very best to the both of you.
Dear B.,
I have found great help in something called ‘Nonviolent Communication’ (NVC). Check to see if there are any classes or workshops near or within reasonable distance of where you live. Or even far away, that you could attend once.
-C
What do you do when you think you’re both toxic? My girlfriend of 6 years, the mother of our lives children, is leaving me. It’s tearing me apart, and I realize that we may both be toxic. I never have her enough attention, she felt she couldn’t trust me, and there was just so much distance sometimes even when we were in the same room.
I would do anything to find love with her again. She’s my world, but right now she says she needs to move out and be alone to find herself again. So I’ve agreed to let it happen and we’re seeking mediation regarding custody of the children. I have no desire for our kids to lose either their mother or their father. I just want to help her find happiness again.
Reading through this article really hit home for me, on a lot of points. But I can see how we could both be the toxic person. I don’t know how to cope with being alone. This whole situation has really opened my eyes to how much she really does mean to me and how I’d do anything to not lose her. But holding onto her now is just pushing her farther away, so I have to let go, no matter how painful that is.
What can I do to help both of us through this? How do I keep the person I love most at a distance? I just want to be supportive, and I hope more than anything that she’ll one day find her way back to me, but I also have to accept that may never happen. How do I learn to love myself again?
Sometimes it’s not about toxic people, but about the combination of two people. To help both of you through, it’s important for both of you to be honest and open about what needs to change in the relationship. If you can, try to have a conversation and gently discuss what each of you need more of and less of and what has got in the way of that up to now. The key is awareness and ownership of the things that haven’t been working. In relation to how you feel about yourself, it’s important to keep in mind that no experience is wasted. People come into our lives to learn from us or teach us. I wish there was an easier way for us to grow, but the truth is that we find our greatest growth in our relationships with other people, especially the people we love and the ones who love us back. It feels awful now, but know that you have grown. You sound as though you have enough awareness that means you are not the same person as you were going into the relationship. You are wiser, stonger, braver, and with more awareness. This will make you better for this relationship, for your children, or for any relationship you have in the future. You deserve to feel loved.
By her telling you she needs to “find herself” is another way of saying she needs to be validated physically and emotionally by another guy who is not you. If you let her go, the reality will be that she will ‘discover herself’ with someone else and then come back to you when it goes pear-shaped. A toxic person like this will do those sort of things if she knows you are her fall back position. Whilst you need to keep things amicable for the sake of the kids, do not let yourself be disrespected and simped because she needs to have the attention of other men. Your life and happiness should not falter or be put on hold because she needs to find validation elsewhere. She has already checked out of the relationship. Focus on yourself and establish a strong foundation for yourself and your children without her in your life, other than to deal with issues surrounding parenting for the children. Whatever you do, do not go back to that relationship. She is toxic and expects you to be that back up, especially as you now have children together. Do not let her manipulate you, or guilt you into thinking you’re obliged to get back with her because you had children together. She walked out on you and treated you like rubbish. Why stay and wait to take that back?
This is the best best assessment I have ever come through. It gave me much more certainty and clarity and content that I have taken the right decision by exiting a 23 year toxic marriage . The biggest cheat was that the toxicity has been consistently in disguise under a mask of a caring committed wife. But I found the reality and my kindness and loyalty was ferociously abused . I can’t believe I am saved. Thank you
You’re so welcome Tarek. I’m so pleased the article has been helpful for you. Stay strong. You deserve to be happy.
I’ve been in a toxic relationship for 3 years and I’m at the point where I want to leave and get out. I’ve been through emotional abuse, psychological abuse and physical abuse from my partner. I keep making excuses for him infront of friends and family but they all see right through his act. I really want out and I’ve told him it’s over. He keeps calling me, crying and saying all the things I want to hear. He even threatened suicide and possibly killing me if I didn’t take him back but I know that these are all strategies he is trying to use to get back under his control. Everything he is saying now he has said before and yet nothing changed. Reading this article has given me a little confidence and hope that I am making the right choice. But I’m so afraid that I will give in to his pleas. If there are any other articles that I can read on standing my ground or any one I could talk to I would deeply appreciate it. He is making me feel like the only way out of his grip is unless one of the two of us is six feet under.
Esther I really hear you when you talk about being worried that you will go back, but you need to remember the reasons you have decided to leave. You made this decision with clarity, strength, courage and so much self-respect. You decided that you deserved better than the abuse you were getting in your relationship – and you were absolutely RIGHT. You deserve to be loved, nurtured and cherished, every day. You deserve to be free from all forms of abuse, every day. You have been with this man for 3 years and you know very clearly what it means to be in a relationship with him. If you say yes to him, you are saying no to yourself and to the life and love you deserve. The strength you need is in you. Write down every reason you are leaving, and before you are tempted to take him back, give yourself the time you need to read them. Here are some more articles that will hopefully help you to feel stronger and more clear in your decision https://heysigmund.com/?s=toxic+people
Esther,
This is unfortunate to hear. He is manipulating you because he is weak in character and is draining you for emotional validation. He does this by patronising you, putting you down and making you feel worthless without him in your life. You were doing well before he came along, so think that you are capable of doing that again, because you are. The ultimatums of suicide are nothing but a control mechanism, designed to make you feel guilty and responsible for his well being. You’re not. You’re not, You’re not. He is an emotionally manipulative narcissist (one and the same) and you should walk away. He is playing on your guilt. Remember, his well being is not dependent on you and whatever he does is NOT your fault, or your responsibility. He is a grown man, not a 10 year old child that needs to be looked after. Be strong and walk away, if you haven’t already.
Thank you for the article Karen.
I left a co-dependent toxic relationship after 15 years. There was no physical abuse, but psychologically I was very dominated. He had a brain injury (happened before I met him), which made it difficult for him to control his behavior, which is how I justified it for all that time. He also has an extremely loving, sensitive, vulnerable side that is the part I was so in love with.
It has been almost 1 year since I have left. I have a new partner who is really loving, sensitive and caring, but I haven’t been able to fully let go of my ex. We have stayed in contact, via text and phone, and he is now only showing me his sweet, sensitive side. He is begging for me to give him another chance, and I haven’t been able to fully say “no”. I hate that I have to break his heart, and I feel for him as I know the brain injury is not his fault.
How do I let go and move on, and tell him the truth that there’s no possibility of us reuniting, without feeling this crippling sense of guilt? I still love him, but I know the dynamic is toxic, and I know I can’t go back, but I’m having such a hard time letting go. And if my new partner found out, it would most likely be the end of things too. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
There is no easy way to let someone down, but the thing to remember is that if you don’t say ‘no’ to your ex, you will be saying ‘no’ to your current partner and also to yourself. Your ex deserves to know the truth so that he can move on with the rest of his life. Let him know that you are grateful for the time you had together, but the combination of the two of you stopped working some time ago. Saying this won’t be easy, and hearing it won’t be easy either, but it’s unfair on both men in your life, as well as yourself, if you aren’t clear about what you want. It’s also not fair on your ex to give him any reason to believe there may be a future with you, if you have no intention of being with him. Be strong for all of you. It’s not easy, but it’s important.
Thank you so much Karen, I really needed to hear that!
I think that I have been in a toxic relationship for the past 4 years. I’m a very strong independent and sometimes selfish woman with a great big heart I feel empathy for every being and Soul on this Earth from animals to plants to people and the man I’m with find a way every time to never ever let me get my feelings expressed to never have them validated to never have them heard and to keep me looking just one day to the next day. I used to have goals and dreams and I used to feel centered and balanced and I can’t even discuss the week ahead of us without him getting upset and frazzled and telling me that I’m overwhelming him. He lost his job a year ago has not gained employment yet when he does go to interviews he wear sweatpants or shows up late I believe you doesn’t want to work and I’m even okay with that if you would help out around the house but it said I’m the one going to work and coming home every day cleaning cooking and taking care of things and worrying about the bills and animals and everything else. He then tells me that I made him this way that it’s my fault that he became a man that was not willing to work for his family and that if I would change and be a better Communicator with him that he would want to be a better provider for me. In my heart I know that this is not true I know that my actions do have a bearing on his ability to be in my life and the way we interact with each other but my actions do not make him into something else unless he allows it just as I cannot be made into something else unless I allow it. I guess the real reason I’m posting a comment as I don’t know which one of us is toxic or if maybe just the two of us together create a toxic relationship if that’s possible I believe that sometimes two people bring out the worst in each other and then given another set of circumstances with different people the best is able to be brought out but without either one of us ever getting a chance to fully Express and feel validated for our feelings we’re going nowhere. I’m constantly being told that my feelings are stupid or the way I’m doing something as stupid or just slow down or turn my turn signal on or a numerous things and I’m a 40 year old woman who has made it on her own as an orphan I called child at 23 years old by myself with 4 children that I have gotten raised I’ve never went to jail I’ve maintained employment I’ve always provided my own place for me and my kids to live and I don’t think I’ve done too bad of a job. It really takes a toll on my spirit to her be so micromanaged input into such a miniscule space that I feel like I can’t do anything without him telling me how to do it he sees no problem in this he tells me he’s offering me his opinion however his opinion is met with Force if you do not comply to what his opinion is that he forcefully makes you comply to what his opinion is I believe it one time this man love me greatly and saw me as his salvation and I love him greatly and saw him is my salvation through this relationship I have learned no one else can save you I think I’ve waited my whole life for someone to Save Me From Myself And if 40 years old I finally figured out I’m the only one that can do that and I have to make sure I know that I’m worth doing that and now I feel stuck. When were together 70% of the time I wish you wasn’t here I wish we weren’t together I wish I could have my own life then the minute I get home and I’m alone in this big house with just my youngest son is 13 I’m scared and I don’t know how to feel and I don’t know what to do and I feel empty inside and I can’t quit thinking about them and if what he’s doing and why he just can’t see things the way I see them and then I start to question myself whether I’m being honest and truthful about my interactions with them because I’m so unhappy in my in my not being a full-fledged partner to him and I’m not giving it my all of my not trying my hardest and I just don’t know what to do anymore because I know as a human being I’ve always tried to involve myself with knowledge with girls with information with change and I know that in these past four years I haven’t done any of that I don’t have any goals I don’t even have any Financial stability on things that I’ve always had before and I don’t know how to not reach out to him when he’s not here to keep that door open so that I don’t feel so alone and isolated thank you for letting me vent I really needed to get that off my chest hope you all are having a wonderful New Year
I can somewhat understand hoof you are feeling Tanya. I’m a man who is raising a 110 year old boy since age one. His mother I have held on too for our whole relationship of 15 years believing that she will change. She has been to prison twice since his birth and even though she hasn’t lived with me in nearly 3 years I have held on to her. Feelings of loneliness and fear of facing the future alone have kept me in some type of relationship with her. A type where intamacy for a few days or a few weeks works but then I’m to my breaking point each time realizing that she is so unconnected to both me and her son even when she is home with us. She continues with her drug addiction which has totally taking control of her life and caused her to loose everything ,yet I still hold on to hope because I feel I want to save her and help her be happy. At the same cost the years pass by and even though I have stability with my life nothing ever changes.
I want a wife, someone who will also take the time to connect and be available for both me and her son on an emotional level and have more consideration for all of our needs. But she can’t give that to us and I’m always down and depressed feeling alone. I understand what your going through Tanya in many ways. I’m trying to find the strength to just let go and move on and set the boundaries I need too in order to have a more complete and fulfilling life without the empty that she brings. I know it’s easier said than done and I don’t think many people know the damage and heartache this brings to our own souls. I only hope time and learning makes me stronger as I hope for you to maybe one day be in a better phycological mind set for our children and for ourselves. This is a tough place to be.
My Aunt is the toxic person in my life I don’t know what to do with her. She continues to try to control every aspect of my life including my children. She helped raise me mainly for the money her brother left behind for me(my father died when I was 2). She used the money for herself and demanded I pay additional rent and give my entire paycheck to her. When I could get away I did to a failed relationship she continues to throw that into my face whenever possible. I married the love of my life and she continually tries to split us up, for 11 years and even before that. She tries to make me feel guilty for working and has caused me to lose jobs because she won’t stop calling every hour on the hour. I’ve resolved not to give her my work number anymore. Long story short now that she is older she’s getting worse, and is finding new ways to make my life miserable. This article is great and I’ve learned new ways to deal with her behaviors. I have a long hard road ahead of me I do believe.
Renee I’m so pleased this article has helped you. It can be so difficult letting go of family, but if she keeps choosing to do things that hurt you, it’s always okay to walk away. Kindness to yourself first.
I have been married for 10 years to a person who became an alcoholic. Over the past 4 years he has been to 6 rehabs and numerous half way houses. We have two children. He has been drunk on and off and I have finally filed for divorce but am struggling to move on. I have this idea that we could be the perfect family and that I am tearing up the family
I allowed him to come on holiday with us to be with the children for xmas. He hardly spoke to me the whole time. He told me he resents me for putting him in rehab (even though he tried to kill himself) ando that I am cold unemotional and controlling. I am also a negative person.
He was sober for the holidays but angry and grumpy.
Why can’t I walk away from him with no guilt. I spend all day wondering if I am crazy or the toxic person and if I am making a mistake. How do I move on. How do I know what the right thing is?. I am so confused
Deciding when to let go is never easy. When you have so many memories with somebody, and when you have built a life together, it is completely understandable that you would feel guilty walking away – but it doesn’t mean that your guilt is justified. It sounds as though you have tried hard to put this relationship back on track and to make your family healthy again. You can’t do this on your own – nobody can. It takes two to make a relationship work. If neither of you are getting what you need from the relationship, and if being in the relationship feels bad for both of you, it’s okay to move on. Just because you feel guilt, doesn’t mean that you have a reason to feel guilty. If it feels like it’s time to move on and let go of the relationship, move forward with love and strength and one small step at a time. Take it day by day. It takes time to adjust to a new normal, so be patient and kind to yourself and remember the reasons it felt right to walk away.
I keep coming back to this article and it really is my life. I have been married to an alcoholic for 10 years. In that time we have had two children. He was drunk at both of their births.
I have lived in this fantasy world that if he got sober (and that he could) everything would be better and we would have this perfect family. My children would have their father and we would have a great family. Instead after 6 rehabs over 3 years he continues to blame me for all his problems (as do his family). He recently told me that if I just showed him more love he would be okay. This after he spent 6 months in a rehab away from me and the children and then drank the next day. I made sure that everything carried on normally for the kids and all he could do was complain about how cold and horrible I am
What I dont understand is why i just can’t walk away from him – maybe I am the toxic person in thihs relationship. He has not been living at home for a year and I have filed for divorce but a small piece of me really wants the family to still work out. I allowed him to come on holiday with us for the kids to have their father on xmas. The whole holiday he basically ignored me or simply grunted. I was so hurt that he made no effort emotionally. He will cook meals and that is mean’t to show me that he cares.
He shows no emotion and blames me for everything telling me how cold and unaffectionate I am and how I am controlling etc. He was sober the whole holiday and has been for 2 months.
Now I feel like I am tearing apart a family for no reason as he could stay sober. Yet another part of me feels I really deserve to be loved and cuddled and be the most important person to someone. Instead withh him I always feel second best and he admits he resents me. If I am crying he will walk out the room and tell me that it makes him feel like he is wrong and that irritates him. He never consoles me.
Why can’t I simply make a clean break and forget this ideal of a perfect family. How do I move on without the guilt
You aren’t tearing a family apart for no reason. You’re separating yourself for the ONLY REASON that matters, breaking the cycle and saving your children from learning behaviors from him and carrying on the cycle in their adult relationships.
You are trauma bonded. You imagine “what if” to justify staying. The reality is, if he was gonna be sober he would have done it already. If bringing children into the world isn’t enough for a parent to change, nothing ever will be. The brain will tend to pick the avenue that causes the least amount of pain. I’m your case, it’s easier to stay and submit rather then staying over, dealing with a separation, etc.
Leave. I promise you this only gets worse at the cost of your mental health and at the cost of showing your children that it’s okay to be abused by someone you love.