Anxiety can be tough for anyone to deal with, but add in the whirlwind of changes that come with adolescence, and anxiety can feel like an intrusive mind hog that spends way too much time squeezing, surprising and overwhelming anyone it lands on.
If anxiety is making a menace of itself, the good news is that there are ways to take it back to small enough. First though, it’s important to understand the telltale signs of anxiety and where they come from. When you understand this, anxiety will start to lose the power that comes from its mystery and its unpredictability.
Teens With Anxiety. A Few Things You Need to Know
Anxiety has absolutely nothing to do with strength, character or courage.
People with anxiety will be some of the strongest, most likable, bravest people any of us will know. Anxiety and courage always exist together. Courage doesn’t mean you never get scared – if you’re not scared, there’s no need to be brave. What courage means is that you’re pushing right up against your edges. It doesn’t matter where the edges are. They will be different for everyone. The point is that courage is all about feeling them and making a push to move through them – and people with anxiety do it all the time.
Sometimes it drops in for absolutely no reason at all.
Anxiety happens because your brain thinks there might be danger, even when there is no danger at all. Brains are smart, but they can all read things a little bit wrong sometimes.
Anxiety is soooo common. Almost as common as having feet. But not quite.
On average, about 1 in 5 young people have anxiety. Without a doubt, someone you know or care about will also struggle with anxiety from time to time. Stats don’t lie. They don’t gossip and they don’t start scandals either, which is why they’re so reliable. They’re good like that.
Everyone experiences anxiety on some level.
Anxiety exists on a spectrum – some people get it a lot and some people get it a lot less, but we all experience anxiety on some level at some time in our lives – exams, job interviews, performances. Sometimes it can happen for no reason at all.
Anxiety is a feeling, not a personality.
Anxiety doesn’t define you. It’s a feeling – it will come, but it will always go, and it’s as human as having a heartbeat.
Your brain that is strong, healthy and doing exactly what brains are meant to do.
Your brain is magnificent. It’s just a little overprotective. It loves you like a favourite thing and it wants to keep you safe. And alive. Brains love keeping people alive. They adore it actually.
Anxiety can look a little something like this …
Here are some of the common signs of anxiety in teenagers. If you have some of these, it doesn’t mean that teenage anxiety is a problem for you. This list is a way to make sense of things that feel as though they’re getting in your way, but if you experience some of them and you’re travelling along beautifully, then there’s no problem at all. Something is only a problem if it’s causing you a problem.
Thoughts …
- Negative thoughts – what-ifs, thoughts about being judged or embarrassed, small thoughts that grow into big worries.
- Excessive worry about physical symptoms (that a cut might become infected, that a headache might mean brain cancer).
An anxious brain is a strong brain, and anxious thoughts can be persuasive little beasts that stick to the inside of your skull like they belong there. Write this down and stick it to your mirror, so you see it every morning when you’re getting a faceful of your gorgeous head: ‘Thoughts are thoughts. They are NOT predictions. Let them come. And then let them go.’
Feelings …
-
Fearful, worried, overwhelmed, out of control.
-
Dread, as though something bad is going to happen.
- Panic that seems to come from nowhere.
- Feeling separate to your physical self or your surroundings. (This is called depersonalisation and it can be driven by anxiety. Manage this one by managing your anxiety. Keep reading for how to do this.)
Physically …
- Racing heart.
- Tightening in the chest
- Butterflies.
- Tense muscles.
- Shaking hands.
- Feeling as though you’re going to vomit.
- Dizzy or light-headed.
- Feeling as though you want to burst into tears.
- Feeling angry.
These are all because of the surge of neurochemicals that happen when the body is in fight or flight mode. They can feel frightening, but they are all a very normal part of the way your brain and body protect you from possible danger (more about this later).
Behaviours …
- Skin picking (dermatillomania).
- Pulling out hair (trichotillomania).
- Nail biting.
- Avoidance of people or situations, even if they are things that would probably be fun. (This isn’t necessarily about wanting to avoid the people involved and more about wanting to avoid the anxiety that comes with certain situations such as parties or get-togethers or anything unfamiliar.)
- Feel compelled to perform certain habits or rituals that don’t seem to make sense (e.g. having to stack things in even numbers, having to touch the door handle a certain number of times before you leave, compulsive hand-washing, checking locks etc).
People with anxiety tend to find all sorts of ways to make their anxiety feel smaller for a little while. These self-soothing behaviours will often escalate with the intensity of the anxiety, but will ease once anxiety is under control. If you can manage your anxiety, this will help to fade these symptoms. (Sit tight – we’ll talk about how to do that.)
You might have a bit of …
- Tummy trouble – (constipation, diarrhoea, irritable bowel).
In the gut are hundreds of millions of neurons. This is affectionately known as ‘the brain in our gut’. These neurons are really important for mental health because they send information from the belly to the brain. When the environment in the gut is out of balance (not enough good bacteria, too many bad ones), the messages sent back to the brain can stir anxiety.
And those zzz’s …
- Difficulty sleeping – either trouble falling asleep, or waking up and not being able to go back to sleep.
When you’re still, quiet and trying to relax, negative thoughts or worries will see it as an invitation. They’ll put on their fancy pants and get the party started in your head. Pushy little sleep-thieving pirates that they are.
Practical, powerful ways to help manage anxiety.
Understand why it feels the way it does.
Understanding why anxiety feels the way it does will be one of your greatest tools in managing it. Think of it like this. Imagine being in a dark room that is full of ‘stuff’. When you walk around in the dark, you’re going to bump into things. You’re going to scrape, bruise and maybe drop a few choice words. Turn on the light though, and those things are still there, but now you can navigate your way around them. No more bumps. No more scrapes. And no more having to hold your tongue in front of people who can confiscate your phone. Here’s what you need to know …
Anxiety happens because a part of your brain (the amygdala) thinks there might be something it needs to protect you from. When this happens, it surges your body with a mix of neurochemicals (including oxygen, hormones and adrenaline), designed to make you stronger, faster, more alert and more powerful so you can fight for your life or run for it. This is the fight or flight response. It’s normal and healthy and it’s in everyone. In people with anxiety, it’s just a little quicker to activate.
The amygdala acts on impulse. It’s a do-er, not a thinker – all action and not a lot of thought. It just wants to keep you safe, because safe is a lovely thing to be and because that’s been its job since the beginning of humans. The amygdala can’t always tell the difference between something that might hurt you (like a baseball coming at your head) and something that won’t (like walking into a party) – and it doesn’t care. All it wants to do is keep you safe.
When there’s nothing to flee or nothing to fight, there’s nothing to burn the neurochemical fuel that is surging through you. The fuel builds up and that’s why anxiety feels the way it does. Here’s how that works:
» Your breathing changes from normal, slow breaths to short, shallow breaths. This is because your brain tells your body to conserve oxygen on breathing, and send as much as possible to the muscles so they can get ready to run or fight.
You might feel puffed or a bit breathless. You might also feel your cheeks burn red (from the blood rushing to your face) and your face become warm.
» If you don’t fight or flee, the oxygen builds up in your body and the carbon dioxide drops.
You might feel dizzy or a bit confused.
» Your heart races to get the oxygen around your body.
Your heart can feel like it’s beating out of your chest and you might feel sick.
» Fuel gets sent to your arms (for fight) and to your legs (for flight).
Your hands, arms and legs might feel tense or shaky.
» Your body starts cooling itself down to stop it from overheating if it has to fight or flee.
You might feel a bit clammy or sweaty.
» Anything happening in your body that isn’t absolutely essential in the moment for your survival will shut down to conserve energy. Your digestive system is one of these. It shuts down until the ‘danger’ is dealt with, so the fuel it was using to digest your food can be used by your body for fight or flight.
You might feel butterflies in your belly. You might also feel sick, as though you’re about to vomit, and your mouth might feel dry.
» The amygdala also controls your emotions so when it’s in fight or flight, it’s switched on to high volume. This means your emotions can be too.
You might burst into tears or get angry.
Everything you feel when you have anxiety is to do with your body getting ready to fight or flee, when there is actually no need for either. It’s okay – there are things you can do about this. Let’s talk about that …
Dealing with Anxiety – The How-To
Here are some ways to manage anxiety by strengthening the structure and function of your brain in ways that protect it against anxiety. Remember though, the brain is like any other muscle in your body – it will get stronger with practice. I wish I could tell you that it would get stronger with pizza and tacos but that would be a dirty big lie and very unhelpful. Delicious maybe, but unhelpful. What isn’t a lie is that the following strategies have been proven by tons of very high-brow research to be very powerful in helping to reduce anxiety.
-
Mindfulness. But first to show you why.
A mountain of studies have shown that mindfulness can be a little bit magic in strengthening the brain against anxiety. In a massive analysis of a number of different mindfulness/anxiety studies, mindfulness was found to be ‘associated with robust and substantial reductions in symptoms of anxiety.’
Mindfulness changes the brain the way exercise changes our body – but without the sweating and panting. Two of the ways mindfulness changes the brain are:
- by strengthening the connections between the amygdala (the key player in anxiety) and the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that can calm big emotions (and anxiety counts as a big emotion). The stronger the connections, the more the pre-frontal cortex is able to weigh in during anxiety and calm things down.
- by teaching the brain to stay in the present. Anxiety is driven by a brain that has been cast into the future. Thoughts start out as ‘what ifs’ and turn into persuasive little beasts that won’t let go. Mindfulness helps to keep control over your brain so you can stop it from worrying about things it doesn’t need to.
Okay then. What else can mindfulness do?
Plenty. Mindfulness can improve concentration, academic performance, the ability to focus, and it can help with stress and depression. It also increases gray matter, which is the part of the brain that contains the neurons. Neurons are brain cells, so we want plenty of them and plenty of gray matter for them to hang out in.
So mindfulness hey? What is it exactly?
Mindfulness is about staying in the present and ‘watching’ your thoughts and feelings without hanging on to them for too long. It’s this ‘hanging on too long’ that gives them the juice they need to become something bigger. Minds quite like to wander, especially anxious ones, so staying in the moment can take some practice. Here’s the how:
- Get comfy and close your eyes.
- Notice your breathing. How does the air feel as you draw it inside you? Notice the sensation of the air, or your belly rising and falling. Notice your heart beating. If your mind starts to wander, come back to this.
- Now, what can you hear? What can you feel outside of you and inside your body? If your mind starts to wander, focus on your breathing again.
Is there an app for that?
There are some brilliant apps that can guide you through mindfulness. Here are three (with links) for you to have a look at:
Smiling mind – a free app has tailored programs for different ages.
Stop, Breathe, Think – start by choosing words to describe how you’re feeling right now, and the app will suggest the best meditations based on where you’re at.
Insight Meditation Timer – another free app with guided meditations from over 700 teachers. It also has a very excellent feature that shows a map of how many other people are meditating in the world (using the app) at the same time as you. How to make the world feel a little bit smaller and a little more connected. Nice.
Exercise.
The effects of exercise on mental health are proven and powerful. The research on the positive effects of exercise on anxiety could probably cover a small planet, or, you know, a very big building. The point is that there’s tons of it.
Here’s how it works. Some neurons (brain cells) are born with the personality of puppies – very excitable and quick to fire up. We need these. They help us to think quickly, act quickly and remember. In the right amount and at the right time, these neurons are cell-sized bits of brain magic. Sometimes though, they can get a bit carried away with themselves. When too many of these excitable neurons get too active, anxiety can happen.
To stop these neurons getting over-excited and causing trouble, the brain has a neurochemical, GABA (gamma-aminobutyric acid is the name it likes to go by at scientific get-togethers and when it wants to make an impression). Neurochemicals are the suave little messengers in the brain that carry important info from one cell to another. GABA is the brain’s calm down chemical – kind of like a sweet lullaby for the parts of the brain that are in very serious lullaby need. When the levels of GABA in the brain are low, there’s nothing to calm the excitable neurons. Exercise is a really effective way to get the GABA in the brain to the right levels.
Once these neurochemicals are back to healthy levels, the symptoms of anxiety tend to disappear into the sunset, or into a box with a very tight fitting lid – we don’t know for certain but wherever they go, it’s somewhere far away from you which is the important thing.
Any activity that gets your heart going counts as exercise. This will be different for everyone. It doesn’t have to mean pounding the pavement with your running feet on to the point of that you’re gasping for sweet life and demanding an oxygen tank. Not that there’s anything wrong with this, but it’s just that there aren’t always oxygen tanks handy when you need them. A brisk 20-minute walk or 8-10 minutes of going up and down the stairs a couple of times a day will also do it. Whatever works for you. Try for something you can do at least five times a week.
If vigorous exercise and you are still in the getting to know you trying-to-like-you phase of your relationship, non-aerobic exercise like yoga can also ease anxiety.
Breathe. But practice, practice, practice. And then practice a little bit more.
Anxiety can feel like such a gangster at times, it can be hard to believe that something as simple and as normal as breathing can out-muscle it – but it can. Here’s why. Strong, deep breathing initiates the relaxation response. The relaxation response was discovered by a Harvard cardiologist to be an automatic response that can neutralise the surge of neurochemicals that cause the awful physical feelings of anxiety. Because it’s an automatic response, you don’t need to believe it works, it just will – but you do have to initiate it.
Breathing is the switch that will activate the relaxation response and start to put the symptoms of anxiety back to small enough. Once you start slow deep breathing, your body will take over and do the rest. Breathe in through your nose for 3, hold for 1 and then out through your mouth for 3. (If you’re the type who quite fancies a visual, imagine holding a cup of hot cocoa and smelling the warm, heady aroma for three, hold your breath for one, then blow it cool for one.) Make sure the breathing is going right into your belly, not just into your chest.
In the thick of anxiety, the brain is too busy with other things to remember to do strong deep breathing. To make strong deep breathing easier for your brain to access, practice it a couple of times a day when you’re calm.
Food. You’ve gotta look after your belly
We used to think that anxiety or depression caused tummy trouble, but increasingly researchers are thinking that it actually works the other way – an unhappy belly can make an unhappy brain. The good news about this is that it doesn’t take too much effort to put it right, but eating well is super-important.
We know there are trillions of microbes that live in the intestinal tract. These send signals to the brain that can change mood and behaviour. If you eat too much processed food or too much sugar (or not enough good food) it can knock out the balance of good bacteria in your gut. This can upset the balance of everything and heavily influence your mood by sending funky messages back to your brain. Eating unprocessed, healthy food, and food that contains good bacteria (such as miso or yoghurt) can help to balance things out inside your gut and put things back on track.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with eating something unhealthily delicious now and then, but make sure that you’re not overdoing it. The healthier your gut, the healthier your mental health. Gut bacteria are the rock stars of the mental health world. It’s really important to keep yours happy, because, you know – cranky rock stars can be painful and annoying and cause more than a decent amount of trouble.
And finally …
Make sure you love yourself a little louder. At adolescence, you’re at a point in your life where the world is opening up to you. It’s a world that needs your wisdom, your courage and your interesting and very wonderful take on things. Anxiety can have a way of shifting the focus too often to the negative, but the things about ourselves that we would like to change often have very wonderful strengths built into them. Of course you would always rather not have anxiety, but there are so many strengths in you. Spend plenty of time noticing them.
Anxiety is something that happens, not something you are. What you are is smart, with truckloads of emotional intelligence, and a very wonderful and uniqe way of looking at things, as well as being the person people can count on, the one who thinks of things that other people haven’t, creative (even if you aren’t doing anything creative, it’s in you), sensitive, strong, and brave. You would be most people’s favourite type of humans.
Your article really helped me right now. I’m an 18-teen years old engeeniering student and have been dealing with anxiety since a long time. I never really spoke to someone about it because, you know,.. I have anxiety, lol( sorry that was lame XD). School is starting in less than a week, and I always get super anxious about it. My brain starts filling up with unnecessary worries and because I have a form of social anxiety it’s even worse, because now I’m an adult and people have big expectations, even though no one ever teached me how to actually be one. However, I just wanted to say that just by reading this article it calmed me a little bit, and I’m very thankful for it. I wish there would be someone reassuring me and just, you know… Have a conversation with and laugh about all this worries, but again, because of my anxiety I have difficulty to manage to find courage and meet new people. Should I maybe ask someone for help? Or talk to my doctor? I think my anxiety got really bad since I turned 18-teen, because of all the becoming an adult stuff…, and I’m scared that is going to affect my life being all this anxious. What should I do?
Larisa I can hear how worried you are about this affecting you long term, but you need to know that anxiety is very mangaeable. You have an amazing, powerful, beautiful brain. It is like any other part of us, we need to nurture it with what it needs to be able to work hard for us. Sleep (8-10 hours whenever you can); mindfulness (10-20 minutes a day); exercise – are all amazing for strengthening the brain against anxiety. You’ve got this.
My name is Melanie I am 14 years old and I think I might have health anxiety. I’ve been noticing physical symptoms like my legs feel tense and sometimes they shake and spaz a little bit, I’ve also been having stomach aches that kind of feel like cramping a bit too. Whenever I notice a symptom like these I worry that it could be something really bad and I spend hours on the internet trying to find out what these symptoms could be which only makes my worry and stress out more. I am definitely going to try excersizing and practicing mindfulness and the breathing technique mentioned in this article I think will really help. I’m also wondering if for health anxiety if you think about a symptom you will start to feel it? If you have any information or something that could help me I would really appreciate it. So sorry about the long post!!!
Hi Melanie,
I’m so pleased you have reached out to me – and you don’t have to be sorry about the long post! I love that you are so clear about what you are feeling. The symptoms you have described can certainly happen with anxiety. Something to try is to notice when they happy – are you thinking about something that might make you anxious, do they happen before you do something that might stir your anxiety? The other clue, is what happens when you relax? When you take strong deep breaths, do the physical symptoms start to fade?
There is a very strong connection between the mind and the body, so when you start getting anxious thoughts, it can certainly fuel anxious feelings and the physiological symptoms of anxiety.
Of course, if you are worried at all, it is important to speak to an adult you trust – a parent or a teacher or counsellor at your school. The most important thing to remember is that there is nothing broken or odd about you – nothing at all. You are strong, brave, and clear, and one of the bravest things anyone can do is asking for a hand when they need it. All my best wishes to you.
Hi, Thank you so much for your fantastic article. My daughter is 15 and is going through a bad period of anxiety. I have printed your information for her to keep and read over a few times. crossing fingers ….
Mel I’m so pleased you found the article. I hope it’s helpful to your daughter.
Hi. My name is Addien (said as Aiden) I have been dealing with butterflies in my stomach all day everyday for about 2 and a half months now! I am 13 years old and I feel like I am going to get a disease! Is that normal? Also, I am just worried because I have nothing stressful in my life. It’s like happening for no reason. So is at normal for teens? Am I still healthy even though it’s been going on for a long time?
Addien this is very common, especially in teens. Anxiety can happen even when it feels as though there is nothing to be anxious about. It happens because there is a part of our brain which has the job of constantly scanning the environment for threat. This is normal and it happens in everybody. It’s there to keep us safe from danger. With anxiety, that part can be a little more sensitive or overprotective, and hit the panic button when there’s no need. You sound wonderfully healthy, with a strong, healthy, magnificent brain. Anxiety doesn’t change any of that! Anxiety can happen to the bravest, healthiest, strongest people. Anxiety is very manageable. Mindfulness and exercise are great for anxiety. The most important thing is being consistent, so try for at least 10 minutes a day of mindfulness – more if you can fit it in. Also, if you can speak to a parent or a teacher or your school counsellor, they will also help you realise how normal what you are describing is. Talking to someone can be really helpful. Try the strategies in the article, especially mindfulness. You can get through this.
Hi, I’m Kayla and reading this article has been sooo helpful for me. I’m 17 and in year 11 at school, and I’ve always found managing stress quite easy. However, about 7 weeks ago I had a panic attack for the first time in class and had to get my mum to come pick me up because I was feeling really anxious. It wasn’t a serious panic attack and because I’ve been studying psychology for almost 2 years I knew what was happening but it was still quite scary. I spoke to the doctor about it and he said it was just stress from school that caused it as I am a high-achiever, and because I’d had a lot of late nights lately doing homework (I was often going to bed at about 12-1:00am and getting up at 7 the next morning). He told me to take the rest of the week off to rest and I went back to school the next week, quite anxious due to the panic attack I had but okay enough. I was fine for the first day but the second day I started crying in the car on the way and had to stay home because I was too anxious about going to school. I spoke to the learning advisor at school and he helped me move out of a class that was causing the most amount of stress, and I had an appointment with one of the school counsellors who told me it was a normal reaction to school stress and gave me a few tips for if I had a panic attack again. I didn’t have another panic attack for over a month, but almost each day it was quite hard to get to school because I would feel quite anxious, but once I would get to school I would be fine. It was starting to get better to the point where I had really minimised the daily anxiousness and hadn’t had any panic attacks, but then the end of semester exams came around and I had a panic attack in the car on the way to my first exam and had to organise to do my exam in the library rather than the big exam room because I find the environment quite stressful with all the supervisors walking around and the huge amount of people in there with me. I organised all my exams to be moved to the library, but it was still very hard to get to school to complete them and I was often feeling very anxious to the point of having a couple mini panic attacks at home thinking about the exams. I finished most of them without a fuss, except for one of them which I had a panic attack during and it took all my restraint to not break down in tears or leave the room and ask to go home! Exams finished a few days ago and I am about to start the final week of the semester before our 2 week holiday but I have found it very hard to relax these past couple days and have felt very anxious again about going to school, and I think it may be because of the amount of anxiety I felt during the exam week and the fear of having a panic attack at school again. Every time I think about going to school I feel dread and have negative thoughts like ‘I’m going to have a panic attack in class because that’s the class I had a panic attack in the first time’ or ‘If I get in trouble for not finishing work I’m going to start crying in front of everyone, which will be very embarrassing!’ I’m not too sure whether this sort of daily anxiousness I’ve been experiencing over the past 7 weeks is something I should go see a therapist about, or whether it is just caused by stress and lack of sleep and that once I have had adequate rest over the 2 week holiday it will be more manageable, but at the moment it is affecting my ability to relax and even things like going to the cinema with friends I have felt a bit too nervous to attend (even though my friends are aware of my situation). Most people I have spoken to have said that this is normal, but as someone who has never really experienced anxiety or stress to a large degree, I don’t really know. (This may just be normal for many others but I’ve just never experienced it!) Just thought I would ask for your opinion, and thank you so much for writing this article, some of these tips are really helpful and I know I will definitely use them!! 🙂
Hi Kayla,
The symptoms you are describing are a very normal part of anxiety. These symptoms exist on a spectrum so sometimes they will feel worse, and sometimes they will feel more tolerable. What you are describing is very common, but that certainly doesn’t make it any less scary when it happens. The thing to be aware of is the way anxiety can drive ‘anxiety about the anxiety’. Memories are very powerful, so when you are in a situation that activates a memory of a time you felt anxious (such as exams, or in the car on the way to school), your brain will remember how you felt, sense it as another threat, and gear you up with the fight or flight neurochemicals.
Something to try is to have a thought anchor ready so you can more easily replace your anxious thoughts with brave ones. It might be a piece of paper with ‘I’ve got this’ written on it, or a quote that makes you feel calm and strong. Mindfulness and exercise will strengthen you over time, but replacing your anxious thoughts with brave ones, strong deep breathing, listening to music, or watching something funny on your phone (because laughing and anxiety have trouble existing together) are strategies that can help when you start to feel anxious. Of course, if you are worried and feel as though you need a hand to get through this, please speak to an adult you trust. Know that you are brave, strong and amazingly capable, and anxiety doesn’t change that a bit.
My name is Sarah and I am 18. I have been suffering from this for about 10 years but I really feel like this article has given me some very helpful and useful tips. So thank you!
Hi I’m aubrey. I’m 14 and I’ve been going through a lot. This article has given me some amazing ways to try and help my wellbeing. Thank you ?
Aubrey I’m so pleased this article was helpful. You have all the strength and courage you need to get through what you’re going through. Trust that. You’ve got this.
What a fantastic article, this is so relevant to what my 12 year old daughter is going through. Again like Erin my daughter is accademically extremely clever and has recently been forwarded by her school to a scholarship scheme. At school she is seen as a bright happy child. But at home her behaviour is very concerning. She constantly has uncontrollable melt downs and massive anxiety attacks that has ended up at A&E recently. She has also problems not sleeping, very low self esteem and more alarmingly has been leaving notes on my bed of a night that are very deep and dark. I took her to gp who has referred her to emotional well being team and cyps but we are still waiting for appointments since being referred in march. I am worried sick. Any advice or help would be hugely appreciated
Let her know that you are there for her, and that you can cope with anything she needs to talk about. She is leaving notes, so wants to let you into her world, but it can be difficult to know where to start the conversation. You have done the right thing getting her the support she needs. I hope an appointment becomes available soon. In the meantime, be there for her and love her hard.
Thank you Karen for your advice. I am finding this site amazing it’s really helping to make some sense of a very complex teenage mind. I am pleased to say we have got our first appointment through.
I’m raising my13 year old granddaughter. Her anxiety is beyond “severe”. This article has been an exceptional insight for me. She shuts down when I discuss behaviors to help her. I will continue to calmly reinforce these behaviors. Anxiety has caused her to do poorly in school and effects all aspects of her life. I will continue to read your newsletter. Thank you.
I have found your site as I found out yesterday that my daughter is suffering with Anxiety. She is medicated for it for two weeks now. Yesterday she just burst into tears and I found out as her Dad (separated from my daughters mum) that this is affecting her deeply.
I have never knowingly had any of this affect me in my life (thankfully). I have a can do attitude so what can I do to proactively help my daughter? I feel like she is a boat close to the shore but just out of reach at this time. Do I wade in to get hold of the situation or hope the boat makes its own way back to the shore?
I am confused and all I want to do is help, it is such a quandary. On the other hand I know that this isn’t about me. As the father figure I need to have a sense of being able to solve this and make things better or more manageable.
I’m Ellie and I’m 11 I have anxiety and I think I need to see someone about it but I feel awkward asking my mum about it. What should I do?
Shenai, please speak to your mum or another adult you can feel comfortable with. Anxiety is so common. You would be surprised how many people around you would also be struggling with anxiety. It’s a very normal part of being human, but it’s important to manage it so it doesn’t get in your way. Try the strategies in the article, and try speaking to somebody you trust. You are brave and you are strong. You are amazing. Asking for support doesn’t change that at all.
I am Elinor I’m 13, and I have severe anxiety. I have gone to several therapists in the past but none of them have helped. Any advice?
Elinor I want you to know that you aren’t alone. There are people there who will be able to support you through your anxiety. First of all, try the strategies in the article, particular mindfulness. I would really encourage you to speak with your school counsellor for some guidance on strategies that can help you. It’s also important to remember to be patient and kind to yourself. Your brain has used anxiety to protect you for a while now, and it’s become very good at doing this so it may take some time to ‘retrain’ it. Anxiety is very manageable, but it can take a little time. Be persistent with the strategies you try and patient, and don’t be afraid to reach out for support. I wish you love and strength, and the knowing that you can do this.
This was exactly what my daughter and I needed to read right now. She is 11 years old, highly gifted academically, and quite the little world changer. She runs a bullying prevention campaign that reaches 5 schools. Everyone else sees this bright, outgoing, kindhearted girl that loves spending her time doing just that. However, only those of us closest to her sees her anxiety. She has fears she cannot explain, and worries excessively about bad things happening. When she is anxious it flares her asthma, and she starts showing very obsessive tendencies. She also has to constantly chew on something or rub something on her lips. A few weeks ago she had a nightmare that there was a mass shooting at her favorite place – a sports stadium where we go watch soccer almost every weekend, and the first time going after the nightmare she cried and was terrified to get out of the car because she was sure her nightmare would come true. She powered through it and made it through the game. Right now, she found out two days ago that her Grammy has breast cancer. Her Grammy is more like her other parent and has lived with us and helped raise her since she was two and a half years old. Her anxiety behaviors are in full force. She feels like something is wrong with her. This was a beautiful read that I have printed out for her to help her know she is okay.
Erin your daughter sounds amazing. I hope the strategies in the article are able to help her. Anxiety is very manageable, but it can take time. An anxious brain is a very strong (and very wonderful) brain, and it can take a little time to retrain it to ease off the anxiety.
I have 4 children-2 of which are teens-Mental Health has always been equally important to physical in our household-So I have read tons of books & articles related to this topic-However, I wish every teen & parent could read THIS article-It is AWESOME-I can’t wait to share with my daughtrrs- Well Done
What I like about your site is that it is an easy read and something which my teen clients may access and receive some very solid information about issues they are dealing with. I have added you to my favorites. Thanks.
Michael thank you.
I’m 14, and for the past few weeks I just do not feel like my normal self, I guess it really got bad when my mom found out I casually smoke weed, I never felt worse emotionally than now. I’m constantly worrying about whatever tasks I have at hand whether it’s schoolwork or something recreational. I’ve experienced anxiety a few times over the past few years but nothing like this. I don’t talk to my guidance counselor at school about any of this, but that’s because I genuinely enjoy school and I don’t normally get anxiety attacks when I’m there. But when I’m home, or just anywhere alone, I feel a sense of displacement, I constantly worry about death, for people who I love like my family, I get a tight feeling in my chest and start to worry deeply about the future. I know I should start talking to my parents about this especially since my dad’s a doctor, a gastroenterologist, but nonetheless a doctor. But what I’m worried about is what if these feelings just stay with me and this is not just a phase. Everything in my life was going truly fine until now, I was really happy with my old life, and I just want to get back to how I was.
Jason if you can talk to your parents, that’s a huge step towards feeling better. Anxiety is really common. If you aren’t off weed, it’s important that you try to stop. That’s not a preachy lecture from a grown-up, but a lot of people say that although it might make them feel better for a little while, it ends up feeling worse. The other thing anxiety can do is make you anxious about the anxiety, so you start thinking about it more and feeling it more. That’s okay – that can be managed. I want you to know that what you are describing is very common, especially at your age. You’ll see that in the other comments on this thread. Mindfulness will be a great thing for you. Try for 10 minutes a day. There is so much research about how it changes the brain to strengthen it against anxiety. Also, exercise increases the same neurochemicals that are increased when you smoke weed. The important thing is to be consistent with whatever you choose. If you can do 10 minutes mindfulness a day (apps are great for that) and half an hour of exercise 5 times a week (fast walking or going for a run would be perfect) that would be a great thing for you, and will actually start to strengthen you long-term against anxiety. It’s great that you’ve reached out for some guidance on this. If you can, try to speak with your mum or dad about what you’re experiencing. It’s a massive, brave, step towards getting through anxiety.
How are u now
Jason my story is the exact same as yours like seeing this makes me feel like I’m not the only one and I’m 16 dealing with the exact same thing. I would actually like to talk to you more about it so you can help me out a little.
Thankyou very much. My mother found this page and I can not be grateful enough. I suffer from anxiety to the point where it feels lik I am having a heart attack. I read this just yesterday but will be practicing the how tos of your article. Thankyou very much.
You’re so welcome Liam. I’m pleased it’s helpful for you.
I have a 15 year old son who is 175 lbs over weight. He isn’t in school right now because of him having so much anxiety. He would have panic attacks. I took him out of school because I felt like it was hurting him to be in school. I took him to counseling but after four months he doesn’t feel like anything has changed and doesn’t want to see a counselor anymore. He told the counselor that he doesn’t have a problem. He isolates himself at home and is afraid of riding in cars or large groups. I am a single mother and I don’t really know what else to do for him. I just want him to graduate from high school. I bought him a computer to do online school but he is already being wishy washy with that. He argues with me and gets upset if I suggest that he exercise and spend less time on the computer and his phone. I’m just not sure what to do with him. Please help.
Janet it sounds as though your son is at the point where he needs some strong guidance from you. It’s completely okay if you need to look to professional as to how to do this. If your son is unhealthily overweight, this will be effecting many things, such as his self-esteem and his motivation, which will be in turn effecting his anxiety. The reason he may be ‘wishy washy’ is because he doesn’t know where to start. Your son needs an education, whether this is at school or home schooling, but he needs support to do this whether through you or a tutor. It really isn’t enough just to put a computer in front of him. This is why school is so important – there are teachers there to guide them, teach them, and answer questions. I would suggest the clear response to him when he suggests he doesn’t have a problem is that it’s a problem if it’s causing a problem, and not going to school is a problem. It doesn’t mean he is different or that there is something wrong with him, just that there is a need for a little extra support and we all need that from time to time. I would suggest that if he isn’t going to go to school, he need to speak with a counsellor until at least he is able to do that. I would also suggest speaking with your doctor as well to help him manage his weight. I understand how difficult it is not knowing what to do next to help your son, but the counsellor and doctor can help you with this too. Know that you don’t have to do this alone. I know you want the very best for your son and I can hear how helpless you are feeling right now. The support is there for you too. This is an important time for your son, and it’s important that he receives the support he needs to be able to move forward.
This is a wonderful article. My 15yr old daughter suffers from severe anxiety. This is a great description of a lot of what she goes through.
However my favourite part is the two paragraphs after “finally”. These are the things I try and tell her all the time. It is so well written!! Just perfect! Thank you!
Thanks Christine. Keep telling her. It is what she needs to hear.
My daughter suffers from symptoms such as being very hot and feeling “gross”. She relaxes by showering. Not sure if this is becoming ocd. Diagnosis of anxiety.
I’m 13 and am gonna be 14 in 2 months and I’m really scared. I think I suffer from anxiety. Today i took up my courage and told my mum what anxiety is and then i told her that i think i have it but she just said that I don’t have it and if i do fix it. She said i have to be more social and it really hurt that she didn’t really act the way i wanted or thought she would. I wish my mum was as understanding as you and you seem like a really nice person so i wanted to tell you this. I always grit my teeth and i feel like I’m gonna vomit when i have to talk to people or if too many people are looking at me and i always get too many thoughts and i think too much before saying something or doing something and i keep punching the wall or something when i get angry till they’re bruised. I cry when i get angry and I can’t breathe when i get have to talk to someone im not too close with and my face feels hot and then I can’t smile and I can’t make eye contact for too long. And it takes long for me to get to sleep and then i wake up really early and after that i either get up or i fall back into a restless or half sleep or i just lie there in bed. I think that i also might have stress and just a tine bit of depression. But I don’t think of killing myself that much, I’ve only thought that once when i felt that all the pain could just disapear but you know. I really like this article like a lot and i read every single word of it. It made me feel calm while i was reading it and i wished there was more. It felt as if you were talking to me because it wasn’t as formal as other articles and now i know everything that goes on inside of me. I like science so i enjoyed reading this. Thank you ever so mich for writing thas article. I will follow every step you have told me to do and i will inform you if my anxiety improves.
Kyla I love that you are so clear about what is happening for you. The symptoms you are describing sound like anxiety, but I want you to know that there are ways to manage this so it stops feeling so awful. There are many people who would understand what you are experiencing because they are experiencing something similar – you are not alone! I want you to also know there are so many incredible strengths and qualities in you – I can tell by reading your comment that you are strong, brave, emotionally intelligent, open-hearted, intelligent, articulate, and honest about how you are feeling. These might seem like normal things for you but trust me, they are wonderful. Don’t let anxiety ever make you think otherwise.
It’s so important that if you ever feel like killing yourself that you find someone to talk to. It might be a teacher, someone in your family, or a phone counsellor. Every country has phone counsellors who are free to call for kids or teens. They are great to talk to and they’re used to talking to kids and teens. Reaching out to talk to someone is a sign of amazing strength. I’m not sure where you are, but somewhere that does has a free phone line for kids and teens in the UK for example is Childline https://www.childline.org.uk/get-support/1-2-1-counsellor-chat/. If you are in another country email me at and I’ll send you the details. There are a lot of adults who want to be there for teens like you because we know what a tough time this can be – we’ve been where you are. Something to remember is that anxiety will always pass, and so will the thoughts of wanting to kill yourself. Darling girl, you are capable of great things – I promise you – and the world needs you. Everything good in the world is because of people like you.
The things you are describing might feel confusing to you, but they make so much sense when you think of them in terms of anxiety. The most important thing I want you to know is that you can manage this. You really can. If you can, try to do mindfulness regularly. When you have trouble getting to sleep try counting your breaths. Slow deep breath in (count 1), slow deep breath out (count 1), in (count 2), out (count 2) and keep going. This is a type of mindfulness and as you would have read in the article, it can strengthen your brain against anxiety. If you can, try for 10 minutes in the morning and 10 minutes at night. I love that you love science, so here is an article that explains a little more about why mindfulness is so great for anxiety https://www.heysigmund.com/overcoming-anxiety-mindfulness/.
Something else to try – it’s a way to calm yourself when you’re feeling anxious … From the article you will understand that every symptom of anxiety is because your brain has surged you with chemicals (good ones – kind of like a special body fuel) to make you faster, stronger and more powerful so you can fight or flee any danger. The problem is that often there is no danger – it’s just your brain being overprotective. When this happens there is nothing to burn this fuel that is surging through you. The way to turn this around is with strong, deep breathing. This triggers something called the relaxation response which sends a message to your brain that you’re safe, so it switches off the surging of chemicals. When this happens, you’ll start to feel calmer. The thing is though, you have to practice strong deep breathing when you’re calm because during anxiety you’re brain is too busy to do strong deep breathing if it isn’t used to it. Here’s a way to do that … when you are feeling calm (maybe when you’re having trouble falling asleep) use your pointer finger and pretend you’re drawing a figure 8 with it somewhere on your skin. It might be on your hand or your arm – wherever you like. Now, as you’re drawing the top of the 8, breathe in for 3 seconds. When you get to the middle, hold for 1. Then as you’re drawing the bottom of the 8 breathe out for 3. Then you’ll be at the middle again where you’ll hold for 1 – and keep doing this for 3 or 4 times or until you feel calmer. It can also be a form of mindfulness. The great thing about this is that you can then use it when you are feeling anxious to help yourself feel calmer. Nobody has to know what you’re doing, and the 8 can be as small as you want – just make sure you take 3 seconds to ‘draw’ the top and the bottom bellies of the 8.
When you use this during anxiety, the touch will help to calm you, it will give you something else to focus on aside from your anxious thoughts, it will remind your brain how to feel calm again, and it will reverse the surging of anxiety chemicals.
You can get through this. Anxiety feels awful but it can be managed. It’s just a matter of finding what works best for you. I would love to hear how your anxiety is going. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. You are brave and strong and wonderful and you can get through this.
Hello, I am so happy that this is the first thing I saw when I searched for help. This article gives me hope. My daughter is 15. She is well liked by all of her peers and a beautiful girl inside and out. She has had anxiety since she could talk. I have spoken to her pediatrician many times and he assures me she will grow out of it. She hasn’t grown out of it, and it is getting worse. She stress eats and she has picked the ends of her hair so much, it has become short, brittle and unhealthy. I had her thyroid checked and it was in the normal range. I started her on a multivitamin, but I have not seen a change. She is a cheerleader, but doesn’t like to be in front of anyone. She wants to be early to everything so she isn’t being looked at by the people who are already there. She told me she feels nauseated every day and wants to cry. She said she feels like she needs to touch things a certain number of times. She also said anything to do with numbers, like a total or getting gas, needs to end on a certain number. She said she is not depressed. She said school work doesn’t stress her out and neither do boys. She has so many friends and spends the night with people with out any problems. No one knows she feels this way. I am so worried and sad she feels this way. She said she doesn’t know what to do.
Anxiety can get worse during adolescence before it gets better, but it can be managed to be less intrusive for your daughter. There are a few things that will be really important for your daughter moving forward to strengthen her against anxiety. These are mindfulness https://www.heysigmund.com/overcoming-anxiety-mindfulness/, regular exercise https://www.heysigmund.com/activity-restores-vital-neurochemical-protects-anxietyepression/, and at least 8 hours sleep a night. During sleep, the brain sorts through its emotional ‘stuff’, so it’s really important that your daughter tries for 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Most teens don’t get enough sleep, but for anyone with anxiety, it’s really important that they get enough. Gut health is also really important for mental health, so if she doesn’t already, a healthy diet with plenty of unprocessed food and and limited fructose https://www.heysigmund.com/adolescent-development-diet/. Also remind her that there are so many people who struggle with anxiety, so she isn’t alone. She will get through this.
Hello I have a 13 years old that on Chrsitmas day woke up with a loss of one of her ears. We went several doctors and was treated like an ear infection, but after seeing the ENT he told us in the most abrupt way that there was nothing they can do she was shock and us parents too she hasn’t been able to go to school in like 2 weeks and start anxiety meds cause she was shaking not able to sleep at all . It breaks my hearth that this happened to her she is a straight A student and in band and now she has to adjust to this. She feels like she’s the only one. And she has like 4 friends only. Thank you!
I can only imagine what a frightening experience this would have been for your daughter. It sounds as though your daughter has so much going for her, and that she is capable of great things. Losing her hearing in one ear won’t change this, but it may take a little time for her to adjust to her new normal. Keep validating her experience and letting her know how much you believe in her.
Karen you are amazing. So empathetic, kind and compassionate to these young whilst figuring themselves out. I love how you have explained anxiety is an understanding way and give some very practical ways of dealing with it. I am a mom of 3 teeanaers and am grateful to have found your site. Have a wonderful day! xx
Noni thank you! I’m so pleased the information is helpful for you.
Your advice on how to be mindful and the apps you linked us to are marvelous, Karen. I appreciate how you do your research to bring us the very best. You are thorough!
I’m eighteen years old and I’ve never experienced extreme anxiety until senior year. I have always had worries and paranoia about people judging me or presenting in class, but nothing deathramental to academics. I’ve always just been a “deep thinker”, worrying about the future. I smoke weed a lot to clear my mind I guess, but now I noticed it often triggers my anxiety. A few months ago I got suspended from school for having weed in my backpack (accidentally). Now I’m constantly feeling like I’m expected to behave badly or I’m up to something mischievous. I feel out of control, this is my senior year and I’m supposed to be having fun but I’m so stuck in my head I’m not even living. The weed doesn’t help, I’m convinced my brain isn’t stron enough to work the problem out on its own. But I also don’t want to rely on medication to help me do such a simple task as live. Today I told the office that I puked because I needed to leave school before my anxiety attack got worse. My grades are dropping. And I’m getting in trouble for something I can’t control. I don’t know what to do, but at least I understand why I feel like I’m going to have a heart attack or faint.
Hello, i m siddh & also a type 1 diabetic..often a day i feel like i m not enough for my parents, freinds ,teachers & also i feel like my friends are fed up of me & will one day leave me..all day i feel useless & all i can think of is why fo i feel so useless also i dont gain wait so my physical appearance has been one of a malnourished child since years people make fum of me & there’s no other way i feel good in my day…since an year or two i’ve been falling apart physically & emotionally & socially..pls help me im really distressed
Siddh you are so much more than enough! I understand you feel like this, and I understand how real these feelings can be, but they are feelings not reality. You are also so much more than your physical appearance. I can tell from your comment that you are so insightful and honest and sensitive to how people feel. Let me ask you – what would you say to a smaller, younger version of you? The things you are saying to yourself sound hurtful but you deserve to feel loved – especially by you! Inside all of us is a younger version of us. That is the part of us that needs to feel safe, loved, cared for, protected, and the part that loves to play. That part is in you. It is very tempting to take the things we think people are thinking about us and say those things to ourselves, but it’s not what you need. You deserve to feel loved, strong, safe – but you’ll need to be your own hero first. I know that isn’t easy but I also know you can do hard things. You have so much love in you – I can hear that through your comment. Make sure you give it to yourself first. You are brave, insightful, wise and strong. You are amazing. You don’t have to believe it, but you do have to start opening up to the possibility that it’s true.
my granddaughter who is 16, is suffering with anxiety. she stays in her room when she is not at school and has done since she was 11. her mother, my daughter, does not understand her pain, and will argue with her and tell her to pull herself together. she cries alot and has stomache pains very often so she stays home from school. my daughter is very impatient of her. i on the other hand, will sit and listen, suggest things to do, take her out, and let her stay over at mine so she has some peace. she has confided in me, that she wishes she was not here on the earth, sometimes wishes she was dead. i am very worried about her. her older sister does not understand her either, but her older brother is more sympathetic to her. she will not join college next year and will not get a p/t job because she is scared to meet people. most of her attitude nowadays ‘ i dont care about anything’ ‘ i am useless’ ‘ i am bullied by mum ‘ you mention diet, she has been a veggie for the past two years, due to ethic of animal cruelty could this poss be an issue? many thanks, i have read your article and to me it makes sense, i just have to get her to see it too. what do i do if she wont read it then practice it?
Your granddaughter is lucky to have you. As an adolescent she is at a developmental stage of her life where she is trying to understand the world and where she fits in to it. It’s important that she has the space to do this and that she is supported when it feels like too much of a struggle. Thankfully, it sounds as though you offer her this.
To encourage her to read the article, first try speaking with her about the symptoms that are consistent with anxiety and ask her whether she experiences them sometimes. If she does, let her know that so many other teens (and adults) have similar experiences (as the comments in this article will show) and that it’s a very normal human response, though sometimes it can happen too much. The key is to normalise it as much as you can. Then try showing her the article. If she doesn’t want to read it that’s okay, but if you can, try talking to her about what anxiety is ans why it happens (which is in the article). That way, the lifestyle factors that can strengthen her against anxiety (exercise, meditation, diet) will make more sense to her.
In relation to being a vegetarian, this in itself won’t necessarily compromise gut health. It’s more about a range of factors that lead to an imbalance in the gut. This might be stress, diet (too much of some things and not enough of others). What’s important is finding the balance of factors that will work for her.
I’m a high school senior and have been dealing with severe anxiety since at least age 5. I feel like no one really understands though what I’m going through because in addition to social and general anxiety, my anxiety is most often triggered by overstimulation like being in a loud room or watching an animated PowerPoint or strong smells or anything like that. So in addition to always feeling anxious, I also always feel alone because people think I’m crazy for saying that certain things trigger my anxiety. I’m about to go off to college this coming year, and I’m really scared because after 12 years I still haven’t been able to get a handle on it and I don’t want to carry this to college with me. I want to enjoy the next four years. I have my good days and my bad, but when it’s a good day, I have horrible nightmares and when it’s a bad day I still have nightmares. And I try to do the deep breathing and other techniques that my counselor taught me but nothing seems to help for very long. I just don’t know what to do. Any advice you have would be much appreciated.
What you are describing makes a lot of sense and there are many people who would be able to relate. You are NOT crazy! Here is an article that might help make sense of your experience https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-or-highly-sensitive/. I can hear how confusing this is for you, but if the article makes sense to you (and it might not) speak with your counsellor about your highly sensitive qualities. By understanding why you experience the world the way you do, and the wonderful strengths you have that come with that, the intrusion and confusion it is causing for you will hopefully start to ease.
Thank you so much! It was really helpful.
hi; I am a father who is very concerned with son anxiety. My son is 14 and I have suspected that he has anxiety but I have not done anything about it and he has not ask for help either and I guess we both thought that it will go away on its own. I was recently called from school and told me that they have caught my son smoking marihuana… My question to you is: Do teens turn to marihuana because of their anxiety among other reasons? I would appreciate your counseling.
Thank You
Teens turn to marijuana for all sorts of reasons. It can help them to feel less anxious, in the same way alcohol does, but there may be other reasons too – curiosity, peer pressure. The teen brain is geared to try novel things and to take risks. This is a really healthy part of their development. It’s an age where we want them to be brave and learn the skills and have the experiences that will help them towards adulthood. Sometimes though, the risks they take are dangerous ones. They also have a tendency to focus on the positives of a decision rather than the negatives. They’ll be aware of the risks, but will place more weight on what they have to gain. All of these things can combine to lead to experimentation with marijuana – anxiety, the need to try something new, less focus on the potential negatives of a decision. Here is an article that will hopefully give you some ideas for how to respond https://www.heysigmund.com/teens-drugs-parents-need-know-conversation-response/.
I relate too to this article, I’m 14 and I have negative thoughts and what people think of me, I’ve told my parents but they thought I was asking for attention and never believed me, which I’m not. I get chills, start shaking and feel like I’m going to throw up and the world starts spinning. I can’t really talk to anyone about it, how can I really prevent from having anxiety?
Kaylin it can be really difficult for people to understand anxiety, especially if they haven’t experienced it before. I can hear from your comment how much this is impacting you. Your experience of chills ad shaking and nausea sound like very common things that happen with anxiety. There would be many people who would understand what you are going through because they are going through it themselves. Is there someone else you can speak to? A teacher? A family friend? A school counsellor? Talking about it can really help – it can help you realise how normal you are and that you aren’t alone. Try the strategies in the article and find what works for you. It’s great that you have reached out and that you are able to describe so clearly what you are experiencing – that takes strength and courage and clarity. You can get through this.