One of the joys of being human is that we don’t have to be perfect to be one of the good ones. At some point we’ll all make stupid decisions, hurt the people we love, say things that are hard to take back, and push too hard to get our way. None of that makes us toxic. It makes us human. We mess things up, we grow and we learn. Toxic people are different. They never learn. They never self-reflect and they don’t care who they hurt along the way.
Toxic behaviour is a habitual way of responding to the world and the people in it. Toxic people are smart but they have the emotional intelligence of a pen lid. It’s no accident that they choose those who are open-hearted, generous and willing to work hard for a relationship. With two non-toxic people this is the foundation for something wonderful, but when toxic behaviour is involved it’s only a matter of time before that open heart becomes a broken one.
If you’re in any sort of relationship with someone who is toxic, chances are you’ve been bending and flexing for a while to try to make it work. Stop. Just stop. You can only change the things that are open to your influence and toxic people will never be one of them. Here are some of the ones to watch out for.
15 Versions of Toxic People
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The Controller.
Nobody should have to ask for permission or be heavily directed on what to wear, how to look, who to spend time with or how to spend their money. There’s nothing wrong with being open to the influence of the people around you, but ‘the way you do you’ is for you to decide. Your mind is strong and beautiful and shouldn’t be caged. Healthy relationships support independent thought. They don’t crush it.
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The Taker.
All relationships are about give and take but if you’re with a taker, you’ll be doing all the giving and they’ll be doing all the taking. Think about what you get from the relationship. If it’s nothing, it might be time to question why you’re there. We all have a limited amount of resources (emotional energy, time) to share between our relationships. Every time you say ‘yes’ to someone who doesn’t deserve you, you’re saying ‘no’ to someone who does. Give your energy to the people who deserve it and when you’re drawing up the list of deserving ones, make sure your own name is at the top.
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The Absent.
These versions of toxic people won’t return texts or phone calls and will only be available when it suits them, usually when they want something. You might find yourself wondering whether they got your message, whether they’re okay, or whether you’ve done something to upset them. No relationship should involve this much guess-work.
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The Manipulator.
Manipulators will steal your joy as though you made it especially for them. They’ll tell half-truths or straight out lies and when they have enough people squabbling, they’ll be the saviour. ‘Don’t worry. I’m here for you.’ Ugh. They’ll listen, they’ll comfort, and they’ll tell you what you want to hear. And then they’ll ruin you. They’ll change the facts of a situation, take things out of context and use your words against you. They’ll calmly poke you until you crack, then they’ll poke you for cracking. They’ll ‘accidentally’ spill secrets or they’ll hint that there are secrets there to spill, whether there are or not. There’s just no reasoning with a manipulator, so forget trying to explain yourself. The argument will run in circles and there will be no resolution. It’s a black hole. Don’t get sucked in.
You: I feel like you’re not listening to me.
Them: Are you calling me a bad listener
You: No, I’m just saying that you’ve taken what I said the wrong way.
Them: Oh. So now you’re saying I’m stupid. I can’t believe you’re doing this to me. Everyone told me to be careful of you.They’ll only hear things through their negative filter, so the more you talk, the more they’ll twist what you’re saying. They want power, not a relationship. They’ll use your weaknesses against you and they’ll use your strengths – your kindness, your openness, your need for stability in the relationship. If they’re showing tenderness, be careful – there’s something you have that they want. Show them the door, and lock it when they leave.
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The Bullshitter.
They talk themselves up, they talk others down and they always have a reason for not doing what they say. They’ll lie outright or they’ll give you versions of the truth – not a lie, not the truth, just that feeling in your gut that something is off. You can’t believe a word they say. There’s no honesty, which means there’s no intimacy. At worst bullshitters are heartbreakers. At best they’re raving bores.
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The Attention Seeker.
It’s nice to be needed. It’s also nice to eat peanut butter, but it doesn’t mean you want it all the time. The attention seeker always has a crisis going on and they always need your support. Be ready for the aggression, passive aggression, angst or a guilt trip if you don’t respond. ‘Oh. You’re going to dinner with friends? It’s just that I’ve had the worst day and I really needed you tonight. Oh well, I suppose I can’t always expect you to be there for me. If it’s that important to you then you should go. I just want you to be happy. I’ll just stay in by myself and watch tv or something (sigh). You go and have fun with your friends. I suppose I’ll be okay.’ See how that works? When there’s always a crisis, it’s only a matter of time before you’re at the centre of one.
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The One Who Wants to Change You.
It’s one thing to let you know that the adorable snort thing you do when you laugh isn’t so adorable, but when you’re constantly reminded that you aren’t smart enough, good-looking enough, skinny enough, strong enough, you have to start thinking that the only thing that isn’t good enough about you is this loser who keeps pointing these things out. You’ll never be good enough for these people because it’s not about you, it’s about control and insecurity – theirs, not yours. As long as they’re working on changing you, they don’t have to worry about themselves, and as long as they can keep you small, they’ll have a shot at shining brighter.
These people will make you doubt yourself by slowly convincing you that they know best, and that they’re doing it all for you. ‘You’d just be so much prettier if you lost a few pounds, you know? I’m just being honest.’ Ugh. Unless you’re having to be craned through your window, or you’re seriously unhealthy, it’s nobody else’s business how luscious your curves are. If you feel heavy, start by losing the 160 pounds of idiot beside you and you won’t believe how much lighter you’ll feel. These ones aren’t looking out for you, they’re trying to manage you. The people who deserve you will love you because of who you are, not despite it.
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The One You Want to Change.
People aren’t channels, hairstyles or undies. You can’t change them. Someone who snarls at the waiter will always be the kind of person who snarls at the waiter – whether they’re snarling or not. People can change, but only when they’re ready and usually only when they’ve felt enough pain. It’s normal to fight for the things that are important, but it’s important to know when to stop. When a relationship hurts to be in, the only thing that will change will be you – a sadder, more unhappier version of the person you started out as. Before it gets to this, set a time limit in which you want to see change. Take photos of yourself every day – you’ll see it in your eyes if something isn’t right, or check in at the end of each week and write down how you feel. Have something concrete to look back on. It’s easier to let go if it’s clear over time that nothing has changed. It’s even easier if you can see that the only thing different is that the lights have gone out in you.
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The Abuser.
The signs might be subtle at first but they’ll be there. Soon, there will be a clear cycle of abuse, but you may or may not recognise it for what it is but this is how it will look:
>> There will be rising tension. You’ll feel it. You’ll tread carefully and you’ll be scared of saying or doing the wrong thing.
>> Eventually, there will be an explosion. A fight. There will be physical or emotional abuse and it will be terrifying. At first you’ll make excuses – ‘I shouldn’t have said that/ did that/ gone out/ had an opinion/ said no.
>> Then, the honeymoon. The abuser can be wonderfully kind and loving when they need to be, but only when they need to be. You’ll be so desperate for things to get better that you’ll believe the apologies, the tenderness, the declarations of love, the promises.
>> The tension will start to rise again. Over time, the cycle will get shorter and it will happen more often. The tension will rise quicker, the explosions will be bigger, the honeymoons will be shorter.
If this is familiar, you’re in a cycle of abuse. It’s not love. It’s not stress. It’s not your fault. It’s abuse. The honeymoon will be one of the things that keeps you there. The love will feel real and you’ll crave it, of course you will – that’s completely understandable – but listen to this: Love after abuse isn’t love, it’s manipulation. If the love was real, there would be mountains moved to make sure you were never hurt or scared again.
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The Jealous One.
Your partner is important and so are other people in your life. If you act in a trustworthy way, you deserve to be trusted. We all get insecure now and then and sometimes we could all do with a little more loving and reassurance, but when the questions, accusations and demands are consistent and without reason, it will only be a matter of time before your phone is checked, your movements are questioned, and your friends are closed out. Misplaced jealousy isn’t love, it’s a lack of trust in you.
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The Worse-Off One.
These people will always have problems that are bigger than yours. You’re sick, they’re sicker; you’re exhausted from working late every night this week, they’re shattered – from the gym; you’ve just lost your job, they’re ‘devastated because it’s really hard when you know someone who’s lost their job’. You’ll always be the supporter, never the supported. There’s only so long that you can keep drawing on your emotional well if there’s nothing coming back.
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The Sideways Glancer.
Ok. So the human form is beautiful and there’s nothing wrong with admiring it, but when it’s done constantly in your company – in your face – it’s tiring, and it feels bad. You deserve to be first and you deserve to feel noticed. That doesn’t mean you have to be first all the time, but certainly you shouldn’t have to fight strangers for your share of attention. Some things will never be adorable.
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The Cheater.
Infidelity doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship – that depends on the circumstances and the people involved and it’s not for anyone else to judge whether or not you should stay. It’s a deeply personal decision and one you can make in strength either way, but when infidelity happens more than once, or when it happens without remorse or commitment to the future of the relationship, it will cause breakage. When people show you over and over that they aren’t capable of loving you the way you want to be loved, believe them. Move them out of the damn way so that better things can find you.
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The Liar.
Let’s be realistic – little white lies happen. In fact, research has found that when lying is done for the right reasons (such as to protect someone’s feelings) it can actually strengthen a relationship. ‘So that’s the orange cocktail dress you’ve spent a month’s pay on? Wow – you weren’t kidding when you said it was bright. Oh, it has pandas on it. And they’re smiling. And the shop doesn’t take returns. And you love it. Well keep smiling gorgeous. You look amazing!’. However, when lies are told with malicious intent and for personal gain, it will always weaken relationships. Relationships are meant to be fun, but none of us are meant to be played.
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The One Who Laughs at Your Dreams.
Whether it’s being a merchant banker, a belly dancer, or the inventor of tiny slippers for cats, the people who deserve you are those who support your dreams, not those who laugh at them. The people who tell you that you won’t succeed are usually the ones who are scared that you will. If they’re not cheering you on, they’re holding you back. If they’re not directly impacted by your dreams, (which, for example, your partner might be if your dream is to sell everything you both own, move to Rome, and sell fake sunglasses to the tourists) then you would have to question what they’re getting out of dampening you.
Being human is complicated. Being open to the world is a great thing to be – it’s wonderful – but when you’re open to the world you’re also open to the poison that spills from it. One of the things that makes a difference is the people you hold close. Whether it’s one, two or squadron-sized bunch, let the people around you be ones who are worthy of you. It’s one of the greatest acts of self-love. Good people are what great lives are made of.
I feel so broken,fustrarted and confused all at the same time. I been in a on again off again relationship for 13 years.This guy has went to prison,we remained in contact with 1 another. I moved on into another relationship while he was locked up (He was not loyal to me before he got locked up) that didn’t work and ended it. He gets out we decide to see where it goes. This is the kicker he was in a jail relationship with a girl and me at the sametime when he got out. That’s not it he now tells me its something bad he needs to tell me and he feels like I deserve to know and that after its said and done he hopes are relationship will be stronger..?? thats not it,its been almost 2 weeks and he still has not told me nothing. My anxiety levels are up ,i cant focus ,my mind and heart keeps going to he got this girl pregnant ??and im more hurt that he keeps lingering it on. I just needed to get that off my chest.
Take a break from relationships. you need time to heal. there is a difference between wanting someone and needing someone. people get into relationships to fix their past hurts. it never works. I think when a person has healed and learned from the past then they can contribute in a relationship. instead of being messed with.
My newest ex is all of these depending on his mood.
Last year I was too thick, now Im too skinny. He took out my coworker and closest friend at the time on the anniversary of my dad passing away. He went and spent the night with his ex the 2 days I was moving into a new house instead of helping. When my uncle died he said I didnt deserve to he upset because I moved to California for 5 years and had only seen him a few times in the last two years… (we spent a day together reminiscing the week before he died) …then he went to my work and texted me from there to tell me he was going to try to scrounge up a threesome while I was busy grieving.
He told me he would never love me or call me his girlfriend so I broke it off with him last july and went off with an ex and cried and talked about him the whole time… he called me like the next day saying he knew I would never be faithful to him (he was cheating on me) when Im not like rhat at all and said he did want to be with me then and I was his girlfriend…. and then treated me like nothing for the next month and started talking to his ex like 4 times a day right in front of me and told me how smarter she was than me and a better person and etc so I broke it off with him again and he started sleeping with a nasty chick who looked like a bulldog and bringing her into my bar while I was working and messed up my job. Then he put me down for not working and said I was becoming a miserable person and HE DESERVED to be around happy people.
I have two guy best friends from high school. Ones sister died of breast cancer and the others father died of a stroke. He told me I was a bad person for not taking a $150 taxi to come hang while he was drunk while I watched one friends children so he could say goodbye to his dad. And thats why he took my coworker out. Like I did something to him. Then the day of the funeral of my other friends sister he cussed me out all night and said I didnt deserve sympathy because I wasnt that close to her…. i literally spent at least every other day with her brother for like 6 years hanging at their house as a teenager.
He hits on chicks that hang or work wherever I do. Ive changed jobs 3 times now.
He sent nude photos he took in my bathroom to another girl while laying in my bed in my home beside me.
He has a child with his estranged wife. Im fully supportive of him spending time with his kid. But I wake up to him on the phone or texting his ex while beside me in bed so I was like please go in the living room if youre going to message her. He nutted up and said hed message her wherever he wanted and I was like not while youre laying in my bed in my home with me laying here naked beside ya.
He lied to his brothers wife about me repeatedly to make her not like me by saying me and his brother were sneaking around. I would never do something like I dont break the friend and family rule and Im not a hoe and in love with him…. but hes jealous of his brother and achieved excluding me from any family time with straight up lies.
His mom showed up from Texas with his little sister. I offered them the empty house on my property for free because they needed somewhere to stay and he turned it down and said no because he was trying to cockblock some new boyfriend of his ex’s so he tried to convince her they should stay there. His ex said no. They went back to TX.
He sent me private pictures of another exgirlfriend half naked after we broke it off at thanksgiving because he yanked me across his truck by my hair after I slapped him for telling me he liked cheating on me with the nasty trashy girl he had working for him.
He told me I was more attractive to him when I made him jealous and talked to other guys and unattractive being 100% for him and loyal. (because thats how warped in the head he is)
He knocked me up in November apparently which I didnt know til a chick in Arizona messaged me pics of pics of me he was sending people on my facebook after a nervous breakdown after he messed up a job and cheated on me with his coworker… I found out when I started bleeding about 30 minutes after seeing those pictures from stress. I had my period like the week before. He stayed with me for 3 days and then disappeared for 3 weeks so he could go fuck a chick he met at the gold course.
Then he showed up at my sisters job and wanted to return some old jacket I left in his truck…. and showed up christmas eve so i didnt get to go to the xmas parties and spent xmas alone half the day.
Then he disappeared new years eve and showed back up the day before my birthday because he wanted to have sex. And then didnt message me on my birthday or answer the phone. and disappeared until a few weeks ago… I spent all my money on him, he told me I needed to work more instead of enjoying spending time with me and me letting him stay here because he supposedly needesd a place to atay, then my job got messed up again and then he dipped out after I helped him get on his feet.
Then he said I needed to get my life together. Alone with no ones help… when it was perfect til he showed up again.
Condescending as fuck.
He got annoyed a picture of my exhusband and my father who passed away was up in my bedroom….because its my favorite picture of my dad. ….. but god forbid I mention there are zero pics of me on his facebook but there are ones of her up.
He tried to choke me 2 saturdays ago while we were both naked after sex laying in bed talking so I slid back and he sat on my chest and held my arms down and screamed in my face “do you want me to be like this” while i was laying there trying to blow my hair out of my face because I couldnt see or move my arms and embarrassed to be naked with my hair flipped over my face….. all because I told him to stop lying to me about some random bs lie he’d just said because hes so used to lying its like second nature to him now.
He got mad at me because of that and isnt here any more. But he wont even acknowledge what he did or why he was lying or why I dont trust him… I could tell stories for days.
The messed up thing is he brings out my bad side just to try to show him his disrespect is not wise but he just uses it against me to get people to hate me unjustly. And when that doesnt work he just lies.
He broke in here like 5 months and took a vape from my roommates room and then went around and told everyone that i broke into his dads where he was staying to make people hate me more…. when I dont break into anything. Or lie. Or do dirty things to people.
Sorry you didn’t enjoy your birthday. These kind of people are your basic party poopers whether or not its your birthday. I understand, haven’t enjoyed mine the past few years since I realized the snake in my dream was him who I’ve been living with. The snake has never bitten me and I have choked and killed it. When I realized the snake was him I stopped having those dreams. Coincidence?… Yet, somehow it still lurks around, hiding, and just as diabolical.More about this snake below…
First, he is self-absorbed. I can’t have quality time w/ my own mother b/c he is constantly calling for “Business updates” when it is really more a bad version of facebook “Hey look at me” status.Second, Who is he when not around my mother or me? His every day relationships? He’s friends with strangers at work and the people close to him at home, family are strangers.
Third, he tries to get me involved in his manipulative bs. When I’m around both of my parents he makes me look wrong, like the schmo that I don’t do anything when both my mother and I know we do everything and he doesn’t do anything around the house/work unless it applies to him, or it is a bad reflection on me therefore on him. Fe; Just last week he said, You know we have a yardsale this weekend?” I could’ve said-“Do you? Because you were too busy bossing us around and going golfing, all about you when you could’ve helped us out. Then, afterwards you came back just in time, opened your big fat mouth and lost me a sale because of your ego-and what do you do for a living again? Hmmm, oh You’re a salesman you ought to know when to shut up, let them decide and then have them eating out of the palm of your hand like you do everyday, your personal and professional life. BTW Thanks alot for your “help”.
Fourth, our so call relationship he tells me, “I’m not saying this to be mean” and I should’ve said “Oh I know you don’t do it on purpose because you’re so naturally good at it”. He is manipulative, nice when he wants something when he gets what he wants. I called him judgemental once” and he said “Well I’ll stop when you prove me wrong” implicating I’m a failure, I’m no wrong, you’re wrong and I’m not going to change. But,the truth is I don’t need to prove anything. Called me “Stoic and obstinate” and I thought well your jokes are not funny, they are mean, passive aggressive, sarcastic and you taught me well didn’t you-how not to act, and its not his mood its is personality.He a bad influence, is brainwashing, exploitative, hypocritical, vindictive, passive-aggressive, drama queen and it makes me sick. My mother doesn’t even get it and enables his behavior then hugs me-she doesn’t even know deep down what from.Also, from what she told me had married one before him, she is not but just attracts those kind of people and I feel sorry for her who has to put up with him. He is such a fake person. Lately emotions aside I can’t think of what positive thing to say about him because his spreads and feeds on negative vibes.
Finally, when its him and me alone, no witnesses he verbal abuses/gaslights and mentally abuses, tries to “Help” me when he forgets to tell me things or “I’m smart I’ll figure it out” like he’s setting me up for failure and I’m the one with excuses or doing a bad job on purpose. The truth is, he doesn’t know I am onto him, his little secret-the one he didn’t want me to find out. The truth is I know more than he might even know himself, acts like a snake 24 hours a day. See? I can be manipulative too, get into his mindset too. Why? because I used to be nasty like him too when I was a child. Seeing through both perspectives, at first harmless it was nice to get what you wanted, being happy and have things going your way for a while. But what happens when you lose that feeling once again left feeling empty? You act by any means necessary at the expense of others feelings to get that feeling back, an on-going never self fulfilling prophecy. The difference between him is I choose the side I act on, not him and now I know the kind person he is. Glad you left, I don’t have the means but when I do I am walking out on his negative bs and never looking back.
He acts like that bc he knows you can’t support yourself
that is my family.person play one against other.ruin friendship.wants all like her hate me.person a gemini.my relative trying to copy off of her.evil.another relative take everybodys money.she got herself own debt..they all shellfish.money.fights.i would like to be in a decent family.
I’m in a 20 year toxic relationship. I was extremely young when we started. Only in recent years have I started to really see through him. Problem is now he refuses to leave out of my life. I have supported him financially and emotionally for a large portion of our time together. I am his bread and butter yet he emotionally abused me. In recent years he has begun to abuse me verbally in public to family and friends and exploit our intamacy and degrades me as a women and mother to my children. I was thinking of therapy for the damage he continues to inflict. I want out but don’t want to involve police. I don’t know what is holding me back from calling the police and having him escorted out of my home that I purchased without him. I don’t know what to do but I do know I want out!
I move on.
20 years of his BS and you are afraid of moving on. Throw him the f@ck out. On his A$$. If you are too weak to do it, then find some other strong minded people in your life to help you. And never look back. Life is too short to waste your time with people who have no respect for you and treat you like sh!t. You will never be able to heal yourself and move forward in your life until you remove him from the picture completely.
Just reading throught the toxic list as i finished with a friendship/relationship of 7years .she always had a crisis and needed my help also helped raise her kids as a stepdad she s then met a new man and wanted me to carry on helping .i hav nt seen her for 3 months as i decided to walk away .could nt carry on helping in a one way street ,she then texts me last week to see if i can look after her son on a sleep over i texted her that I was nt happy as we were a couple for a long time but in her mind we were friends .she did nt like my honesty and now will never talk to me again or see her kids that saw me as a dad and i m the one to blame .feel like shit such a shame she can t see what i did for her but your list made me.realise that she will never change need to move on sorry her children are caught in the middle
my boyfriend of 2 years and 3 months is the last son of 11 kids Greek family. 9 sisters 2 son. He is 43 not kid! He never been happy in his life whit any woman his family member tall me. The Mum is berry controling and his sister don’t one to look after his dad that is in bed whit care of two of his sister and get pay by NHS for it. From 11 to 2 pm!! They change Dad nappy only ones and they life all to him when is back from work. If he don’t stay whit then one sister police office control all. He scare of her. Lot negative round. If I Pay flower for mum. She say to him: she is traying to hart ? If he take me out sat or Sundays have to be for 3 hours only. He need to be all the time whit then. Dad in bed smoke not stop!! I don’t understand why NHS pay for a 84 year old man like this and for a kid whit cancer only 4%!! Mother is 84 and walk shopping the lot. Why they don’t left him be happy?? Why control his life?? Why she thinkgs he is a baby he is 43? They all big gamble and live a lie!! I don’t one a man who is a kid and don’t one to open his eyes. Beford he was unhappy and slepping lot. Don’t go to work Saturdays I change him and they don’t like!! He also gamble beford a lot. I make him to stop!! I was proud I say all the time. He go back to gamble ? Is
Sad but I change my phone number and I craying so much today. But I can’t do this any more. My son used to have cancer for 3 years. I when for so much pain. He is getting better day by day. I work and I don’t understand why?? Is so simple they have a life 11 kids!! Why they don’t one him to be happy? I know they are whit the problem. ?
I do not have a relationship with my husband and the only way we can spend an evening together is by inviting friends. I also create nuisance among friends circles and as a result have been thrown out of many friend circles. I keep begging them to take me back but they won’t.
I have recently been trying to enter another group and have started creating a nuisance there too. I am sure I will be thrown out again. I need help from a psychiatrist but don’t know what to do and cannot help myself.
Many times I feel I should move to another city and start fresh but don’t know how to do that.
I need help.
I am in my first ever “real” relationship with someone. I have never loved someone like this before. I have been almost going out for 2years, but it feels like more. His toxic family ismaking us break up. I dont understand why he is taking the side of racist horrible people over me, the one who will always be there for him. I just feel so low, and I still want to be with him. I dont want me or him to be with anyone else. And I know he loves me…I dont know. I just feel horrible and want to forget everything and be with him.
This article made it clear I made the right decision to end a 8 year relationship that was very toxic. He had half of these traits and I tried so hard to help him change but you can’t change someone who never thinks they are wrong or blames others for their actions ?. I know if I stayed I would lose myself and I deserve better.
My situation is a bit different. The person who shows many of the signs mentioned here is my mother. She is a result of a broken home and her father abandoned the family when she was 4. She also shows signs of a person with abandonment issues and It is difficult to know where each behaviour comes from as they overlap. She has shown a pattern her whole life of cutting off contact with people. She always blames them and it is always about them and not about her in her discription of events. She has broke contact with all of her family and at least 3 female friends that she did have a close relationship with, but then she became angry and dismissed them. I was ill one Christmas and dared to suggest a change to Christmas plans. her response was to scream at me on the phone and hang up. She refused to consider my perspective or my suggestion to connect differently that Christmas. it is important to note that I am in my 50’s and she is in her 70’s. Since that conflict she has had no contact and refused any attempts by me to have a discussion. I do think that her childhood has a huge impact on who she is. Friends who are psycologists have told me that her behaviours are typical of a person with Abandonment Issues. When in relationships with others she also shows many elements of the Toxic person. It was impossible to ever discuss anythink without her switching the conversation to herself. It went something like, I am really tired, and her response would be “tell me about it, I have been so busy this week with such and such”. This has always been how she communicated and still does with everyone she connects with. I often wondered if she thought she was “finding common ground” by aligning her expereince with the other person, but now it seems clear that was not the case, but I don’t feel she decides to switch the conversation focus in this way, I think she does not know how else to respond. I also think that she is a very unhappy person. I have accepted that a relationship with her is not possible and have stopped hoping for change. I have good and meaningful relationships in my life but I do feel a loss, somewhat like a death because of the loss of this relationship. I guess, my post is not really to seek advice, unless something seems apparent to you. It is more to express the situation and explore the idea of the coexisting dynamics of a person who is Toxic and a person who has Abandonment issues. I think we often place blame on a person who is Toxic, but in my situation I feel very much as if the hurt of the past generation has been passed on to the next. I think it was not my mothers fault that adandonment happened to her. The actions of my grandfather hurt my grandmother and hurt my mother and the truth is that my mother has, maybe not purposefully, also hurt me. I can actually have compassion toward her for what she went through and I also feel that she is unable to reflect and see her role in her relationships. It is not accessible to her. Maybe the pain and fear is so deeply rooted she does not know how to be any other way.
Thank you for providing a forum.
It’s comforting Michael to know that I am not the only one that feels this way towards their mother for similar reasons. I am wondering if you have ever had an open conversation with her about your concerns and the impact her behavior has on you– and how that was received.
I’m in a similar situation with my mom. She was divorced from my father when I was very young and had to work full time so we moved in with my grandparents. From the age of 2 until I left home at 22 my grandparents were the primary source of my care and I still think of them as my parents, while my mom is cruel, selfish and inconsiderate. She forbids me to speak about my grandparents in her presence because they were “her parents and not mine” yet she has nothing kind to say about my grandmother at least she has a warm spot for my grandfather still. It’s hard when I love her, yet I resent her and think she’s petty because everything has to be reduced in some way to include her or how it relates in some way to her life. It’s exhausting keeping up with it.
I have ruined many friendships and families.
Why is it we blame ourselves when we make a mistake learn from it and move on screw the ones that don’t forgive you you are only human .
Im 48 and my philapino fiance 23 is always teasing me never serious says she is but never opens up always silent .she calls me stupid american dumb .i just came back from the philapine 21 days there .and our long distant relation has gotten worse .if i dont do what she says she will hang up on me .or tell me over and over 10 times on her texts or verbally telling me .i need to stop trying so hard to win her heart she is the boss she has the control but i feel im too needy .i dont know what to do now .she uninstalled all her apps that she has with me .after 1 year of knowing eachother she acts like she doesnt need me anymore .
She doesn’t need you, and you don’t need her. You’re 48 years old, so grow up. Why are you trying to marry 23 year old children? Find someone your own age who you have something in common with.
While I agree with the essence of your comment, I think that you are the one who needs to grow up. Adults should be capable of making a point without being so rude. And if you are perfect enough to feel your snark is justified, then what are you doing here? Go spread sunshine among your fellow perfect people, and take your smug attitude with you.
Yep. McAllestar is an all star troll. Clearly trolling this site because he is an all star abuser with no one left to prey upon in his completely worthless life. What a clown.
These kind of people are also toxic types they just give enough to make you crave more it becomes a living nightmare there are .too many great people in this very large world go find a new one with more respect for your feelings and time good luck bow go .
The way I feel right now, if my hopefully soon to be ex-husband said that he would kill himself I would hand him everything he needed to do it with and ask him what’s taking so long.
Amanda, I’m saying this to you now, take that precious little boy and get as far away from that man as you can get. Save your child, he is the most precious thing in this world and no amount of promises or hopes of love are worth his innocent little life. Think about how badly you are being hurt by that jerk, every single minute of your life is probably lived with thoughts of the jerk who is destroying your life, and i know how you feel because I am there and I live it everyday. You have a choice though, you can choose your life and what you will put up with, but your little boy, he has to go along with you and he doesn’t have a choice at this point. This is probably the most important thing you will ever do in your life and maybe the toughest, but get you and that baby out of there. Do whatever it takes to do it, but go and do it now. Later on when you know your little boy is safe, then you can stop and think and wonder and go through all the mental bullshit you are sure to be dealing with. Get some distance and don’t even let him talk to you because the are good good good at what they do.
You may be feeling sorry or thinking that maybe you can help him, teach him or somehow turn him back to the way he was at first, but I promise you, the man you first me and fell in love with isn’t real, he played a fantasy role for a while to suck you in, but you will NEVER see that person again because it was an act, that’s all it was. He will use you up and spit you out and never look back, but not until he has totally left you feeling like the rubbish in the trash can. And the only future you have with him is what you have now and worse, it won’t ever get better, just worse. I promise you that. And you will be sacrificing your son and yourself if you try to stick it out. And this so called person who is making all these promises and telling you all these lies, he will throw you away and be laughing the whole time, this is what they live for.
I know I must sound like a raving lunatic right now and maybe I am being tough on you, but believe me, this is gentle compared to what you would be going back into. Save your Son if you can’t save yourself, save your SON! Go now!
I agree with what Pam has said. Don’t walk, RUN !!
This is the truth if it were ever told. Take your son out of it before he learns how to be just like him. That environment breeds this behavior. It is learned and comes from a toxic family and relationship. The most important thing you need to remember is it will never be better than it is, the longer you stay the worse it gets. It just happens faster the longer you are there.
Agreed.
I’ve just come out of a 3 year on off relationship with a man who had 12 out of the 13 toxic behaviours to look out for! The last resort of us splitting up was he kicked me and my 5 year old son out of his flat, my son had no shoes on he wouldn’t give me my car keys and my son saw him drag me out by my ankles!! My sons dad got wind if all this and contacted social services which I do not blame him for at all as I would have done the same. Me and my ex have now been split for 4 months and everyday I get some sort of abbusive text saying I’m sleeping with whoever I’m messaging whoever the lust is endless then he goes back to saying how I was his life he has nobody and that he loves me then when he doesn’t get a reaction from that he says he going to commit suicide and it goes on and on!! I am trying to get on with my life I’ve been away and been out for my 40th birthday but feel guilty for doing that cause he says I’m just flirting with other guys getting there numbers and everything else!! I cannot be with this guy as I will loose my son and I keep telling him this but he just continues the same every day I’ve never known anything like it in my life as if it was the other way round I would walk away I wouldn’t want him to loose his kids no matter how painful it was for me! There is so much more to this but they are the basic things!
So block his number, and call it a day.
If you don’t want to talk to the guy, block his number. If you don’t want his text messages, block his number. If you don’t want e-mails from him, block his e-mail address.
If you’re not going to do any of those above, then you get what you get.
That’s awful to say that . It’s not you get what you get . Just because sometimes people become complaint with assholes doesn’t mean the person ever had a right to be an asshole. That obviously is the right choice , to have no contact . But have a little heart on how hard that can be with the internal abuse
Barb – So true. Thanks for standing up to McAllestar. He/she sounds like a ‘Controller’, ‘Manipulator, and lastly ‘The Abuser’.
Sorry….McAllister is right. Amanda is playing the victim role. She needs professional help to understand why she chooses people who abuse her…..She is emotionally immature and chooses emotionally immature people to associate with. Cut him out of your life, block his number and be an adult! Get help so you don’t pass this emotional abuse down to your son.
TRUTH!!!!!!! Cut him off! Why even answer or read his bull? You could lose more than your son foolin’ with this nut.
why are you talking to him? You need to let him go.
Please block him from all social media. Do not read them. If you can’t block him, put him on auto reject list. There’s no need for contact & he’s still controlling to a point. You have yo act like are dead, and should be to you. Even you may not realize, it still harms your son. It did to mine. They even get a sick look to have to mention their name.
Your lucky you only spent 3 years in this relationship. I spent much longer and it ended with him calling police, lying and having me locked up. Similar situation with a business partner…working with him. If someone threatens to call the cops on you it’s time to call it quits. No exceptions. People who love you don’t do this and they don’t take your children from you and they don’t steal from you. Financial abuse along with all that? Never put up with it.
I’m sorry to hear about your ex. you deserve a nice person in your life. Bullies always attack nice people. they think we are weak because we are nice and have good qualities. Dont let anyone take that from you. I was told that I was worthless for 17 years. but despite all their efforts I made a good life for myself. Im proud about what I accomplished and they are still miserable. A famous play write once wrote ” never love anyone who treats you like your odinary Hang in there and give yourself a big hug.
When you realy want to end this you will You will not have contact they day you wake up an say i refuse at any cost to see or talk to him is when you are truly done. untill you do that your not ready to end this.
Walk away and respect yourself and your son each life only has so much time on Earth do not waste any more of your life and time on this ungrateful unworthy of no company at all single toxic human you already wasted every minute you have spent with him so far. This is a world we share with thousands of amazing humans to pick from so find yours with more respect and enjoy life as most people know it.
I’m 48 years old, a successful professional and a single mother since the time of my divorce 2 years ago. The man I met a few months afterwards was “Mr. Nice Guy”. He provided friendship, emotional support and hope when my 5-year old son and I were recovering from the shock of my ex-husband’s affair with a woman 30 years his younger. There were plenty of red flags but I explained them away or ignored them because I was so lonely and he took us under his wing, becoming an almost father figure to my son. This man is charming and highly successful, but has a Jekyll and Hyde personality. It’s taken me two years to extricate myself from the situation, finally recognizing that he’s narcissistic if not full blown NPD. His emotional abuse has been insidious and damaging to both my physical and mental health. My gut feeling told me that something was “off” in the beginning. But I didn’t stop to listen to it thinking that it was just me. He certainly let me take all accountability and blame for his bad behavior and anger. Trust your instincts even if you’re feeling vulnerable and insecure. If it feels bad, something is amiss no matter how they spin it.
“Oh yeah how well I do know all about these types of people! I have been with everyone of them at leased once? Thats not saying much, but unfortinately I have experienced the abuse from all! NO fun at all, but I survived it all! Now I am SINGLE and loving it!
Wow, great article. I wish I could hand it to the person or post it to their fb page,but I’m pretty sure they would justake get mad and unfriend me rather than reflect on themselves…
Right now, they are more concerned that 2 of their friends have actually friended me on an old fb account that I reactivated. They have decided to block those friends if I am not going good delete them. This person is someone I communicate by text at least once a day and is in the baby boomer age group…I feel like texting grow up. We dated for about 4 years.
Thanks, eyeopener
This was an eye opener for me. I have been dealing with a toxic guy for 5 years now constant thinking “what am I doing wrong?” He encompasses every trait in this article and I am just amazed and can take a deep breath knowing it’s not me! I have been looking for ways to break the cycle and walk away, but everytime I try to, I get sucked back in. But I have realized (as well as other around me) that I don’t shine like I use to. I’m not as bubbly and positive as I use to be and I want that back. Thank you for this article….it really blessed me.
I’m pleased this article has found you. You deserve to shine.
Don’t let that bubbly shine dim at ALL. Don’t let a toxic individual do this to you. It happened to me almost a year ago, and I almost died over it. (Medical issue with reaction to meds). The toxic person who I thought cared for me as my best friend (he is male btw), never even came to my bed side. I was out of work for awhile and the only time he would talk to me was when another friend of ours actually went and found him and brought him over. He claims it wasn’t because he didn’t care — well wth was it? He is currently trying to keep me in his back pocket for when he needs an ego stroke so when he is pissed and having issues, he will not text me. I could tell him I won 10,000 and he wouldn’t text back. He shuts down. It brings me down, so I recenter myself, and enjoy the silence. I don’t text him and actually fear that I will hear his text tone or see him in person. I have never told him that he most likely caused my lights and glitter to dim almost killing me, because honestly, would he care? Probably not. Now I work daily to not text and avoid him. It’s sad, because it doesn’t matter what I say to him, he just doesn’t get it. He assumes I’ll always be there. Time to get rid of Mr toxic from my circle of friends.
I think this blog post just described 99% percent of people.
No one is perfect. The writer can be classified as a toxic person as well and can easily be placed in the Judgmental Snowflake category.
Maintaining relationships with others is tough especially in a rough economy.
People should not be judged and ostracized because they made mistakes.
I rather be friends with open minded and compassionate individuals who have made mistakes versus being friends with cold, superficial, nitpicking and judgmental people.
Lily you are right – none of us are perfect, but our very human imperfections are NOT what toxic behaviour is referring to. We can all do some of these things some of the time, but toxic behaviour is consistently damaging, abusive, manipulative, hurtful behaviour. It is called toxic because it contaminates the self-esteem and self-concept of others. Toxic behaviour creates toxic stress which can change the physiology of people in harmful ways. Toxic behaviour is also not about ‘making mistakes’.
Destructive, abusive behaviour does not deserve compassion. The targets of that behaviour are the ones who deserve the compassion. If compassion and approval are important enough to a toxic person, it is for them to do what they need to do to change their behaviour, and to stop hurting the people who love them. One of the things that makes people toxic is that they see no fault in their behaviour. They see no problem with the way they destroy others, and in fact will generally blame those others in some way for being ‘too sensitive’, ‘too stupid’, ‘too weak’ etc. I’m not sure what you mean by a ‘judgemental snowflake’, but I’m assuming it’s someone who would ‘rather be friends with open minded and compassionate individuals who have made mistakes versus being friends with cold, superficial, nitpicking and judgmental people’. Interesting.
It’s time we stopped enabling abusive, manipulative, destructive behaviour in the name of ‘compassion’. It’s also time we stopped disempowering the targets of that behaviour, by the righteous suggestion that we should be tolerant of all people. Yes we should be kind, compassionate and empathic. We should also be courageous and fierce with our self-respect, and give ourselves (and others) the support, compassion and understanding they need to let go of toxic, harmful relationships.
WOW! I FELT THIS WAY, BUT THOUGHT THAT I WAS WRONG ABOUT THE PERSON. SPEAKING FROM THE FIRST THREE PARAGRAPHS. THIS HAS REALLY OPENED MY EYES BECAUSE SOMETIMES PEOPLE CAN BE ADDICTED TO DRAMA AND DON’T EVEN REALIZE IT.
Hi, I am 30 years old and have been in a relationship for 6 months now. At first things were great, I was very emotionally strong when i met him and confident. He is the type of person that will call you out on everything and even assume worst and fight. Sometimes ive just agreed because I know he will never truly believe me and i want to stop the fight. He is a great person, a good dad, friend, son, brother. He makes me very happy and things were going so great. I was in a very bad living situation and i called on him for help. He is letting me stay here and taking care of all the bills, which is very generous. But he is so hot and cold with me. I do feel that i have to watch what i say and cant speak freely because he takes things the wrong way or will asociate something i said with a past fight we had. He calls me the shady one. He thinks i am this dishonest manipulator and so I am constantly trying to prove him wrong. I stopped drinkin alcohol for him, which im fine with, because we would fight alot when i drank, really i think i just fought back more. but he would wake up in the morning after and have along list of things i said like everyone is better than him and everyone wants me. Alot of the time i remember the fight being completely different but i was intoxicated and he is convincing me that i fucked up so i just told him i wouldnt drink. I wanted to make him feel comfortable. Part of me did think he was trying to control me but i knew that when i drank sometimes i would fight with people in my family who i dont get along with at all even more so when i drank, so i just stopped. After that he would accuse me of cheating and lying about differen tthings. some i was guilty of like seeing my brother behind his back and lying about it, but i never cheated and he doesnt trust me. Its so hard because i do love him so much and i know he is a great person with a great heart. When i got arrested for a DUI recently when we broke up, i drank at a friends and came home and the cops were there because my phone had died and my mom was filing a missing persons report she was so worried. He was the one who bailed me out and let me stay at his house for a few. He hates when i drink, and he has lost someone in his past due to her drinking. Iknow it freaks him out and he also thinks that i am a slut when i drink which has never been the case. I have never cheated on him and turn guys down whenever they try with no problem. I would never even dream of cheating on him. My step dad tried to sexually assault me and i had to move in with him for a while, but he hasnt been easy. He tells me he will never be with me and i messed it all up. One moment hes sweet and the next hes kicking me out of bed from a bad dream. He tells me he wants to move on but he loves me, doesnt make me feel good. He says that he is ok to say these things because of all the things ove said to him, which was over 4 months ago and dont remember saying these things but have taken resposibiltiy for them anyways. i dont know what to do. hes very resposible and loves me and cancelssplans for me and makes dinner for me. I am so confused, he is the only one who is helping me get on my feet right now and i dont want to feel ungrateful, but he is mean sometimes i dont feel respected.
I was dating this girl back in 2015. We met from an online dating site. She was very pretty and had a beautiful smile. She seemed very cheerful and was not shy. Anyways. We hit it off and I really thought she was a very nice girl. When we met her and I talked for a few hours and decided to meet up again. It was then we decided to have a first date. The one thing that always crept in the back of my mind was how she liked to post images of herself in a low cut tank top. You could see alot of her breasts. At first didn’t pay much mind. But it was her images she sent me before we met up of her saying that the pics were of her in that moment. Yet I saw different shirts hanging on her door knob or missing from it. After going on several dates she finally revealed to me how scared she was of her landlord. Telling me how he liked to drink alot and that sometimes she’d pretend to be asleep and see his shadow from underneath her bedroom door and he would stand there for awhile almost thinking about “doing something” to her. She had no door lock. So she balled her eyes out on a date one night and said she was actually afraid go back that night. She tried to beg me to see if she could come over and I told her I couldn’t as my parents don’t even know her yet. She cried more. As time went on I’d get late night texts saying that he is standing at her door again. She eventually got “kicked out” and I had to help her find a motel for a bit so she could find another place to live. Things started going downhill from there. Her coming onto me fast, always hinting for sex when I wasnt comfortable. We hadn’t even been dating a month. She talked me.into staying with her longer and longer and when she didn’t get her way she’d guilt trip me. Then she’d make threats by telling me if I didn’t stay longer that we were done for good. Always worked. Until one night I had enough. She threatened to jump into an oncoming bus. I didn’t fall for it but she called it off for us. She then started making lies all over Facebook. She even sent my mother images of her wearing an engagement ring that was from me. That was a lie. She then made profound insults to me and my whole family snapped on her and I had to calm some of my cousins down and stop my grandma from messaging her. Blocked her from everything, made my profile to private where no one could see my posts but family and friends only. She then proceeded to text me day and night, call my cell day and night till I had to Chanel’s my cell. She then phoned our home day and night. She was lucky my parents showed mercy. My dad being a retired police officer could have easily called his station to have them deal with her. She wasn’t worried about the harassment because she then moved to Alberta but then she stopped when she found out that my parents are best friends with top brass in RCMP. And he said if it continues that they’d track her down and charge her. Never heard from her again. Till recently. She emailed me begging to start over and that she has changed and not the same girl from before. I laughed. Said “no way in hell I Want you back here. Go away before you get in trouble” I found out later… I could block her emails. Which I did and haven’t turned back ever Since.
Mace Great Job! You were very smart! I wish my Son Was. He dated a girl in high school who did the same things you were mentioning. She guilt tripped him & spread lies about him in high school. She made his life so hard we had to get him psychological help to get him through those years. He got his life back together & was doing great after high school when he ran into her again. She wanted to go out as friends & talk. Within 1 month she had him in bed. Within that same month he was very miserable again & told her he didn’t want to see her anymore. That is when she told him she was pregnant & guilt tripped him into marry her. Long story short she has brought a lot of heart ache, damage & hurt into our family & his life. She controls him by with guilt & manipulation. She does everything to separate him from us. I don’t see my son or grandchildren much now. I’m glad you were strong & smart! Great job taking control of your life. It is nice to see someone with a happy ending! 🙂
wow-sounds more like psychotic than toxic-haha.
Karen, I tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve and I despise the toxic person in our life who we’ve finally limited contact with it’s as little as once a year now.
This person is toxic to everyone but it appears as if the others in the room excluding my husband and daughter just think she’s the nicest person. I don’t even like watching my husband nor my daughter interacting with this person as if she has never caused enormous hurt in our lives. As a result I’m treated like the outsider by everyone.
I can’t seem to get over their hypocrisy when I’m witnessing it.
We have a gathering in a couple of weeks and our toxic person will be the hostess. Within the family dynamics I will be the object of exclusion. This is the family of my husbands compiled of his son, daughter-in-law (gag), grand-daughter who is 26 and 8 other people. I’ve watched her do and say covert manipulative things to them as well and I’m incredulous to see them just sit there and hang onto her every word.
Karen could you give me some advice on how to act better for those few hours I’m around her? I understand I should go into this with a smile on my face and be gracious but I don’t know how to get there. Thank-you.
I have a friend of 6 years that I’m not so sure about either.
I feel like she’s a combination of #8 and #11.
I don’t really like it that its always me who have to start the conversation or push the conversation. Its really annoying.
Sometimes I just want to tell her that I quit on this friendship (which I did once, and she just sulk for months how she wishes to die :/) because I can’t stand that she has nothing to offer me.
She never start conversation with me, its always me who starts the conversation.
She’s always mentally complaining how she is afraid to do activities with me, or that I’m gonna hate her complaining etc etc, yet she also states she knows nothing about me. ?? contradict much.
The only time she ever bothers to ask of my whereabouts is when I’ve gone missing for days without contact or when I’m sick.
I have a busy life as well, I work full time, and have busy schedule, and she only have college studies! Yet I still find time to spam text her or call her set up schedules for meet ups! But her??? Should I ever ask her what her schedule is like she always say things like she’s busy with exam or tests or studying and it eats all her time till dark.
I’m sorry but being busying doesn’t mean you’re productive!
It just frustrates me because I feel she cares more about her daily routine life more than mines as a friend.
I was in I thought a good relationship not once but 3 times in the space of 25 years. The first 15 my now ex husband his step mother was very toxic she couldn’t stand for anyone to not agree with her my ex slowly started to emulate her toxic behaviors so after enough I divorced him it’s took me several years to start getting back to how I was. Then I tried dating I guess I’m a toxic magnet because he was manipulative, lying and always tried to make me change to suit his idea of the ideal me hence I broke it off with him really quick. Then dated another guy for not quite 5 weeks he was very sly in his attempts at first but then it was like all at once I saw it all at once felt it heard it. Well, I ended it faster than my last guy and it’s been two years and I have found I am happier just being single I will admit to being deathly afraid of trusting any guy now so I am finding myself again not frantic or full of anxiety as I was and being happy doesn’t mean having to be in any sort of relationship so I am allot calmer and happier now and the last two years have been so nice for me I feel like I can sleep,eat and enjoy life whereas before i dreaded each day. I am very fortunate to have been able to shut those offensive types out of my life permanently and grateful for it as well.
I know a toxic person who fits almost every category here and she shared this article on Facebook because she has no idea the toxic person is actually her.
Beware Emotional Vampires! They suck the very life essence out of you and walk over what is left! They are empty, soulless people who feed off the energy of their victims!
Long time friends relationship is too much work the things you mentioned are all there she is not speaking to me at the moment I’ve done something she called to say that I would not longer be seeing her its blessing in disguise. Thank you for confirming what I already thought.
I am 24 i grow up in care and i am to soft and have a caring heart i have been bullied since school of the same person. One day i met my future partner i new he had a son it didnt bother me but a year later i got to meet his son and mother it was the same person who bullied me in school. She attacked me and called me names i didnt report it as she wouldnt let her son see his dad so i ignored her but the bullying never went away. 3 years later i had 2 beautiful children and things became worse she threatned to get men to kick the baby out of me and rape me wich left me upset but couldnt report it. It seems things were settling down after that till one day i heard shes saying a battered her son it was all over social media i went straight to the police and the worned her but i dont get why she hates me so much and wants me to hurt. I am so tired i want it to end.
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karenyoung_heysigmund
Boundaries aren`t requests we make of them. They`re the actions we take to keep them (and everyone else involved) physically safe, relationally safe, and to preserve values when they aren`t able to.
The rule: Phones in the basket at 5pm.
The boundary: (What I`m going to do when you`re having trouble with the rule.)
`Okay - I can see you`re having trouble popping your phone in the basket. I`m just going to sit beside you as a reminder that it`s time. Take your time. I`ll just watch over your shoulder until you`re ready. So who are we texting? What are we watching?`
Or:
`I know you hate this rule. It`s okay to be annoyed. It`s not okay to yell. I`m not going to listen while you`re yelling.`
Then, `This phones in the basket thing is chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. We`ll see how we go tomorrow and if it`s bumpy, we`ll shift to phones in the basket from 4:30pm. Let`s see how we go.`
It`s not a punishment or a threat. It`s also not about what they do, but about what we do to lead the situation into a better place.
Of course, this doesn`t always mean we`ll hold the boundary with a calm and clear head. It certainly doesn`t mean that. We`re human and sometimes we`ll lose our own minds as though they weren`t ours to own. Ugh. Been there too many times. That`s okay - this is an opportunity to model humility, repair, self-compassion. What`s important is that we repair the relational rupture as soon as we can. This might sound like, `I`m sorry I yelled. That must have been confusing for you - me yelling at you to stop yelling. Let`s try that again.`❤️
Nov 18
karenyoung_heysigmund
Boundaries are about what WE do to preserve physical safety, relational safety, and values. They aren’t about punishment. They’re the consequences that make sense as a way to put everything right again and restore calm and safety.
When someone is in the midst of big feelings or big behaviour, they (as with all of us when we’re steamy) have limited capacity to lead the situation into a better place.
Because of this, rather than focusing on what we need them to do, shift the focus on what we can do to lead back to calm.
This might sound like:
The rule (what we want them to do): Phones go in the basket at 5pm.
The boundary (what we do when the rule is broken), with love and leadership: ‘I can see you’re having trouble letting go of your phone. That’s okay - I’m just going to sit beside you until you’re ready. Take your time. You’re not in trouble. I’ll just stay here and watch over your shoulder until you’re done.’
Or …
‘I can see this phones in the basket process is dragging out and chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. If that keeps happening I’ll be starting this process at 4pm instead of 5pm.’
And if there’s a bit of spice in their response, part of being a reliable, sturdy leader is also being able to lead them through that. Even if on the inside you feel like you’re about to explode 🤯 (we’ve all been there), the posture is ‘I can handle this, and I can handle you.’ This might sound like,
‘Yep you’re probably going to have a bit to say about it. That’s okay - I don’t need you to agree with me. I know it’s annoying - and it’s happening.’
‘I won’t listen when you’re speaking to me like this. Take your time though. Get it out of you and then we can get on with the evening.’
Then, when the spicy has gone, that’s the time to talk about what’s happened. ‘You’re such a great kid. I know you know it’s not okay to talk to me like that. How are we going to put this right? Let’s yet 5pm again tomorrow and see how we go. If it causes trouble we’ll start earlier. I actually think we’ll be okay though.’♥️
Nov 10
karenyoung_heysigmund
So ready to get started with ‘Hey Little Warrior’ in Melbourne. This is my fourth time this year presenting this workshop in Melbourne and we sell out every time.
So what do we do here?! We dive into how to support young children with anxiety. It’s my favourite thing to talk about. I love it. Even more than whether or not I want dessert. We talk about new ways to work with anxiety in littles so they can feel braver and bigger in the presence of it. This workshop is loaded with practical strategies. I love presenting this workshop.
(And yes - always yes to dessert. As if I would ever skip the most important meal of the day. Pffftt.)
@compass_australia
Oct 27
karenyoung_heysigmund
They’re often called sensory preferences, but they’re sensory needs.
In our adult worlds we can move our bodies and ourselves to seek regulation. If we don’t like noise we’re less likely to be DJs for example. If we don’t love heights we’re less likely to be pilots or skydivers. If we feel overwhelmed, we can step outside, go into an office, go to the bathroom, or pop on headphones for a break. If we need to move, we can stand, walk to get a tea. At school, this is so much harder.
When bodies don’t feel safe, there will be anxiety. This will potentially drive fight (anger, tantrums), flight (avoidance, running away, movement), or shutdown (in quiet distress and can’t learn).
These are physiological issues NOT behavioural ones.
Whenever we can, we need to support physiological safety by accommodating sensory needs AND support brave behaviour. What’s tricky is disentangling anxiety driven by unmet sensory needs, from anxiety driven by brave behaviour.
The way through is to support their physiological needs, then move them towards brave behaviour.
Schools want to support this. They want all kids to be happy and the best they can be, but there will be a limit on their capacity to support this - not because they don’t want to, but because of a scarcity of resources.
There will often be many children with different physiological needs. Outside school there is nowhere else that has to accommodate so many individual needs, because as adults we won’t be drawn to environments that don’t feel okay. In contrast, school requires all kids to attend and stay regulated in the one environment.
For now, we don’t have a lot of options. Yes there are schools outside mainstream, and yes there is home school, but these options aren’t available to everyone.
So, until mainstream schools are supported with the resources (staff, spaces, small classes, less demand on curriculum … and the list goes on), what can we do?
- Help school with specific ways to support your child’s physiology while being mindful that teachers are also attending to the needs of 25+ other nervous systems. But be specific.
- Limit the list. Make this a ‘bare minimum needs’ list, not a ‘preferences’ one.♥️
Oct 20
karenyoung_heysigmund
Brave often doesn’t feel like ‘brave’. Most often, it feels like anxiety. If there is something brave, important, new, hard, there will always be anxiety right behind it. It’s the feeling of anxiety that makes it something brave - and brave is different for everyone.♥️
#anxietyawareness #childanxiety #anxietysupport #anxietyinkids #parent #positiveparenting
Oct 18
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