Understand why clinginess happens, and how to stop it from holding your child back.
by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher
by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher
Understand why clinginess happens, and how to stop it from holding your child back.
Can’t wait for this! I’ll be in Devonport, Tasmania next week to present two talks for parents and carers.
The first is on Monday evening 19 May for a talk about how to strengthen young people against anxiety. This is not just another anxiety talk. You’ll walk away feeling hopeful, empowered, and with strategies you can start using straight away.
Then, on Tuesday morning 20 May, I’ll be giving another talk for parents and carers but this will be a Q&A. Bring your questions to me! Even if you don’t have questions, the ones I answer will be loaded with practical information that will support you in your parenting journey.
So grateful to @devonportevents for organising the events. They are public talks, open to everyone.
Tickets available at Humanitix - search Devonport events and scroll down until you find me!
Would love to see you there.♥️
May 11
Hello Adelaide! I’ll be in Adelaide on Friday 27 June to present a full-day workshop on anxiety.
This is not just another anxiety workshop, and is for anyone who lives or works with young people - therapists, educators, parents, OTs - anyone.
Tickets are still available. Search Hey Sigmund workshops for a full list of events, dates, and to buy tickets or see here https://www.heysigmund.com/public-events/
May 6
First we decide, ‘Is this discomfort from something unsafe or is it from something growthful?’
Then ask, ‘Is this a time to lift them out of the brave space, or support them through it?’
To help, look at how they’ll feel when they (eventually) get through it. If they could do this bravely thing easily tomorrow, would they feel proud? Happy? Excited? Grateful they did it?
‘Brave’ isn’t about outcome. It’s about handling the discomfort of the brave space and the anxiety that comes with that. They don’t have to handle it all at once. The move through the brave space can be a shuffle rather than a leap.
The more we normalise the anxiety they feel, and the more we help them feel safer with it (see ‘Hey Warrior’ or ‘Ups and Downs’ for a hand with this), the more we strengthen their capacity to move through the brave space with confidence. This will take time, experience, and probably lots of anxiety along the way. It’s just how growth is.
We don’t need to get rid of their anxiety. The key is to help them recognise that they can feel anxious and do brave. They won’t believe this until they experience it. Anxiety shrinks the feeling of brave, not the capacity for it.
What’s important is supporting them through the brave space lovingly, gently (though sometimes it won’t feel so gentle) and ‘with’, little step by little step. It doesn’t matter how small the steps are, as long as they’re forward.♥️
Apr 22
Of course we’ll never ever stop loving them. But when we send them away (time out),
ignore them, get annoyed at them - it feels to them like we might.
It’s why more traditional responses to tricky behaviour don’t work the way we think they did. The goal of behaviour becomes more about avoiding any chance of disconnection. It drive lies and secrecy more than learning or their willingness to be open to us.
Of course, no parent is available and calm and connected all the time - and we don’t need to be.
It’s about what we do most, how we handle their tricky behaviour and their big feelings, and how we repair when we (perhaps understandably) lose our cool. (We’re human and ‘cool’ can be an elusive little beast at times for all of us.)
This isn’t about having no boundaries. It isn’t about being permissive. It’s about holding boundaries lovingly and with warmth.
The fix:
- Embrace them, (‘you’re such a great kid’). Reject their behaviour (‘that behaviour isn’t okay’).
- If there’s a need for consequences, let this be about them putting things right, rather than about the loss of your or affection.
- If they tell the truth, even if it’s about something that takes your breath away, reward the truth. Let them see you’re always safe to come to, no matter what.
We tell them we’ll love them through anything, and that they can come to us for anything, but we have to show them. And that behaviour that threatens to steal your cool, counts as ‘anything’.
- Be guided by your values. The big ones in our family are honesty, kindness, courage, respect. This means rewarding honesty, acknowledging the courage that takes, and being kind and respectful when they get things wrong. Mean is mean. It’s not constructive. It’s not discipline. It’s not helpful. If we would feel it as mean if it was done to us, it counts as mean when we do it to them.
Hold your boundary, add the warmth. And breathe.
Big behaviour and bad decisions don’t come from bad kids. They come from kids who don’t have the skills or resources in the moment to do otherwise.
Our job as their adults is to help them build those skills and resources but this takes time. And you. They can’t do this without you.❤️
Apr 21
We can’t fix a problem (felt disconnection) by replicating the problem (removing affection, time-out, ignoring them).
All young people at some point will feel the distance between them and their loved adult. This isn’t bad parenting. It’s life. Life gets in the way sometimes - work stress, busy-ness, other kiddos.
We can’t be everything to everybody all the time, and we don’t need to be.
Kids don’t always need our full attention. Mostly, they’ll be able to hold the idea of us and feel our connection across time and space.
Sometimes though, their tanks will feel a little empty. They’ll feel the ‘missing’ of us. This will happen in all our relationships from time to time.
Like any of us humans, our kids and teens won’t always move to restore that felt connection to us in polished or lovely ways. They won’t always have the skills or resources to do this. (Same for us as adults - we’ve all been there.)
Instead, in a desperate, urgent attempt to restore balance to the attachment system, the brain will often slide into survival mode.
This allows the brain to act urgently (‘See me! Be with me!) but not always rationally (‘I’m missing you. I’m feeling unseen, unnoticed, unchosen. I know this doesn’t make sense because you’re right there, and I know you love me, but it’s just how I feel. Can you help me?’
If we don’t notice them enough when they’re unnoticeable, they’ll make themselves noticeable. For children, to be truly unseen is unsafe. But being seen and feeling seen are different. Just because you see them, doesn’t mean they’ll feel it.
The brain’s survival mode allows your young person to be seen, but not necessarily in a way that makes it easy for us to give them what they need.
The fix?
- First, recognise that behaviour isn’t about a bad child. It’s a child who is feeling disconnected. One of their most important safety systems - the attachment system - is struggling. Their behaviour is an unskilled, under-resourced attempt to restore it.
- Embrace them, lean in to them - reject the behaviour.
- Keep their system fuelled with micro-connections - notice them when they’re unnoticeable, play, touch, express joy when you’re with them, share laughter.♥️
Apr 13
