If life ran like a storybook, the person we fall in love would not be the person who broke us. Sadly, we humans tend to be a bit more human than that. We fall in love, we commit, we get hurt – over and over – and we stay. People need people, but sometimes the cost is a heavy one. When it’s a toxic relationship, the breakage can be far-reaching.
Love is addictive. So is the hope of love. All relationships can be likened to an addiction, but sometimes the power of this can be self-destructive. When relationships become loveless, hostile, stingy or dangerous, you would think they would be easy to leave, but they can be the hardest ones to walk away from.
A bad relationship isn’t about being on the downward slide of the usual relationship ups and downs. It is one that consistently steals your joy and follows you around with that undeniable clamour that this isn’t how it’s meant to be.
Knowing when to let go.
Sometimes the signs are clear – emotional and physical abuse, constant criticism, lying, cheating, emotional starvation. Sometimes there is nothing outstandingly obvious – it just doesn’t feel right. Perhaps it did once but that ended long ago. The signs might lie in the loneliness, a gentle but constant heartache, a lack of security, connection or intimacy or the distance between you both.
Whatever it involves, there are important needs that stay hungry, for one of both people in the relationship. The relationship exists but that’s all it does, and sometimes barely even that. It doesn’t thrive and it doesn’t nurture. It is maintained, not through love and connection, but through habit.
Sometimes there are circumstances that make leaving difficult. Sometimes though, there’s nothing in your way except you. Some of the signs that you might be addicted to the relationship are:
- You know it’s bad, but you stay.
- You want more for yourself, but you stay.
- There are important needs in you that are so hungry (intimacy, connection, friendship, love, security, respect), and you know in this relationship they’ll stay that way. But you stay.
- You have tried ending the relationship before, but the pain of being on your own always brings you back.
What to do when leaving feels as bad as staying.
Leaving any relationship is difficult. Leaving a bad one isn’t necessarily any easier. The shift from powerless to empowered is a gentle one, but lies in the way you experience the relationship. It often takes as much resourcefulness, energy and strength to stay in a bad relationship as it does to leave. With a shift in mindset, experience and expectation, the resources you use to stay and to blind out the seething hopelessness of it all can be used to propel you forward.
-
Be present.
The pull to live in the past (the way it was/ the way I was) or in the future (it will get better – I just need to find the switch) can be spectacular, but the energy to move forward exists fully in the present. It’s always there, but you have to be in the present to access it. To do this, fully experience the relationship as it is, without needing to change it or control it.
This might be scary, particularly if the environment you are in is hostile or lonely, but the only way to be okay with leaving what you have, is to fully experience how broken it is.
No relationship is perfect. All couples fight and hurt each other and say and do things they shouldn’t. That’s a normal part of living and loving together. The problem comes with having to repeatedly live in the past or the future to tolerate the present – the abuse, the harm, the insecurity, the jealousy, the loneliness and the grief of the relationship as it stands – just so that it’s easier to stay.
-
Keep track.
Keep a record of how you feel in the relationship, the good and bad. If writing isn’t your thing, take a photo of your face at the same time every day. You’ll see it in your eyes. Photos and journalling will capture the intimate, day to day detail of you in this relationship. Set a time period – weeks or months – and at the end take a look over your photos or your writing. Can you see patterns? What do you notice about the things that hurt you and the things that feel good? The frequency? The intensity? What do you see in the photos? Can you see the life in you? Or has it been drained away. Is this the person you want to be? Or is it a faded, sadder version? This can help to see your experience in the relationship for what it is – stripped of the filters and the softening that comes with time.
-
Be aware of what’s happening in your body. It’s trying to tell you something.
The connection between the mind and the body is a powerful one. If you shut down the messages that are coming from your mind, your body will take over. There will be signs in the way you hold yourself, the sensations in your body (heaviness, heartache, tension) and the way it works. Has your body slowed down? Is there physical pain? Does it ache? Does it feel heavy? Restless? Tired? Drained? Do you feel your body withering, scrunched or as though it’s holding back? If your body could speak, what would it want you to know?
Try this exercise:
Finish this sentence:
‘My body is …’ (tired/crumpled/hurting – whatever fits for you)’.
Now, keep your ending but replace the words, ‘My body is’ with ‘I am’ or ‘My life is’.
Notice what happens when you do that.
-
How do you avoid the truth?
Notice what you do to shift away from your reality. Are there unhealthy behaviours you do to stop from feeling bad? Or maybe there are healthy beahviours that you do in unhealthy ways?
Try staying with the discomfort rather than avoiding it. Contained in the pain is the wisdom, courage and strength you need to find the happier version of yourself and your life.
-
Give it a deadline.
It’s easy to forget how long you’ve been living with what you don’t want, hoping that one day it will be better. Pick your ‘one day’. Let it be six weeks, six months – whatever feels right for you. In that time, give the relationship everything you’ve got. When that ‘one day’ comes, be honest and act from a place of strength, self-respect and self-love. The answer will be in front of you.
-
Become selfish.
The way we think about selfishness is broken. Selfishness is about recognising what you need and doing what you can to meet those needs. Sometimes there will be fallout, but there will also be fallout by ignoring what you need and letting the noise shout you down. You matter. What you need matters. It always has. Sometimes that will mean putting yourself first on your list. This is even more important if it is the only list that has you anywhere near the top.
-
Be honest about your part.
Is there anything you can do to put the relationship back on track? It takes guts to open up to what you might need to do differently, but it’s important. If you’re not sure, ask your partner. Of course, just because your partner names things he or she would like you to do differently, it for you to decide whether this is a direction you want to move in. If the response is ‘Yeah actually. You can stop asking me where I go at night. K?’ then you can either respond with, ‘Sure baby – it’s totally fine with me if you leave the house smelling like man musk and secrets. Just come home when you feel like it hey. Do you want me to keep dinner for you?’ Or, you can Google, ‘Somewhere I can live without idiots.’
-
What’s your role in the relationship?
It’s likely that there will be a rhythm in the relationship that keeps it breathing the way it does. You and your partner will each have a role that keeps each other’s behaviour possible. This in no way means either of you are to blame or that either of you deserve to be treated the way you are. What it means is that over time you would have fallen into a way of being together that makes the dysfunction easier and more tolerable – a healthy adjustment to an unhealthy situation.
It’s common in relationships for one person to be the ‘reacher’ and one to be the ‘retreater’. In healthy relationships, this is balanced or the roles shift around. There’s an easy flexibility. In unhealthy relationships, these roles become polarised. The more someone retreats, the more the other reaches, and this is where the roles become fixed.
Explore your roles. Which one of you is ‘the commitment phobe’, ‘the non-communicator,’ ‘the abuser,’ ‘the critic’, ‘the disinterested one’? And who is ‘the ‘enabler’, ‘the victim,’ ‘the helpless one,’ ‘the reacher’, ‘the rescuer’, ‘the justifier’, ‘the fantasiser’. Try shifting out of your role. This will shift the dynamic and either force change or make the dysfunction all the more glaring – and easier to walk away from.
-
Let go of the fantasy.
The fantasy of what could be will keep you stuck. Every time. It could be better – so much better – but just not with this person. How do you know? Because you’ve been trying. And you’re tired. And there’s nothing more to give.
The fantasy stands between you and reality and throws flowers at your feet so you never look up and see things as they are.
The more you fantasise about what could be, the more the reality is embellished and changed into something reasonable. The fantasy will persuade you to hold on for a little longer, and always at the cost of moving forward. Lose the fantasy that things will be different. They won’t be. If you could have lived the fantasy with this relationship, you would have done that by now. Let your fantasy instead be one of all the losers who have ever crossed your path sprawled on the couch, wearing saggy Star Wars underwear as they gaze at your photo, listen to Adele and regret like mad ever losing you, while you eat tacos, listen to Beyonce and not miss them at all. There you go.
-
Accept what is.
It’s paradoxical, but the more you can accept where you are, the greater the capacity for change. This will let your decisions be driven by information that’s real and accurate, not a glossed up fairy tale image of what could be. Accept your reality as it is – your relationship, your partner and what it means for you. When you accept the truth, you live the truth. This will expand your courage, strength and capacity to decide whether this relationship is the best option for you – or not. You will have a clarity that will propel you forward, whatever that might mean for you.
-
Fight for you.
You have to fight for the things you love and the things you believe in, but one of those things has to be you. What would you say to someone you love who was feeling the pain or the deadness that you are feeling? Inside you is more courage and strength than you will ever need. You are a queen, a king, a fighter, a warrior, you are powerful and beautiful and everything good in the world – and you deserve to be happy. But first, you might have to fight for it. Fight for you the way you would fight for anyone you love – fiercely, boldly, bravely.
-
Stop making excuses.
Be honest.What do you want from this relationship? Have you ever had it? How different is what you want from what you have? And how long has it been this way? If you are loved, it feels like love. Even in the midst of a storm, a loving relationship still feels loving. Despite the stress, the exhaustion, the things you do or say – a loving relationship has an undercurrent of safety, security and respect, even when times are tough. If it doesn’t feel good for you, it’s not.
-
Replace ‘can’t leave’ with ‘won’t leave’.
Claim back your power by replacing ‘can’t leave‘ with ‘won’t leave‘. Sometimes circumstances mean that it’s difficult to leave. Whatever you choose to do, do it from a place of strength, not from a place of helplessness. If you stay, let it be because you have made the decision that this is the best option for you at this moment in time, not because somebody has claimed ownership of your life. Keep your power and your independence of mind, whatever is going on around you. There’s only one of you and you’re too important to let yourself fade into circumstance or the manipulation.
-
Not making a decision is making a decision.
You might decide to put off making a decision, to give it some time. Make no mistake, this is making a decision – to stay. Own your decision and experience fully what that decision means for you. Don’t live on the outskirts of your reality by claiming to be somewhere in between committing to the relationship and leaving it. You’re one or the other. In it or out of it. Claiming indecision might feel okay in the short term, but in the long term it will just keep you stuck, without the energy you need to move closer to what will be healthier for you.
And finally …
If the relationship feels bad, then it’s bad for you. That’s the only truth that matters. Fight hard to keep your relationship intact, but when there is no fight left, the truth will be staring you down like a hunted thing.
All relationships will go through make it or break it times, but healthy relationships recover. They grow closer and become stronger and more resilient. Relationships have a limited amount of resources available – emotional, physical, financial. Sometimes the relationship will be barreled around by a storm and this might use up a vast chunk of the resources that have been banked over time. If the relationship is healthy, it will only be a matter of time before this is topped up. If it isn’t, it will shrivel up from lack of nourishment and eventually die.
Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but be mindful of your reasons. Sometimes the bravest, most difficult, and most life-changing things lie not in what we do, but in what we stop doing.
l am so happy that l found this today..l realised just this morning that l have been holding on to a bad relationship for the best part of twenty years…l met a man and fell in love l thought he was my life long partner..maybe 6 months in l realised this doesnt feel good, dont get me wrong he is a lovely lovely man but his first love is stocks and shares and l was left way outside the office door.
l hoped it would get better, l kept myself busy, l gave him all the hours he wanted but it was never enough…from 7.00 in the morning to midnight and beyond he’d sit staring at that computer screen with all its charts and ringing bells…and l waited and waited, no days out no cosy nights in…weekends he spent researching scared to miss an investment opportunity…l was so alone, l thought it would get better..he used to say l’ll make it big today, but l’d do better if you stopped nagging me..when he didn’t invest well it was my negativity that was to blame…and this went on until this weekend l realised how sad, heavy and empty my life felt…l’ve had many hours of therapy for ‘mental health’ stuff, but now l realise why l was so unhappy, insecure, crazy…
weird thing is he’s never made it big he is stony broke, always has been…but l’m out of it and l am determined to thrive…l’m scared to death and the pain l feel is awful but l will do it…
thank you for this article..xx
You’re so welcome Lynne. I’m pleased this article found you when it did. You sound so strong and clear and you can do this. It sounds as though you have fought hard for this relationship, but now it’s time to look after you. Love and strength to you x
Please remember those that carry contagious disease, and are quite literally “toxic people” that try to form “toxic relationships”… The threat maybe real! Thank you for avoiding them, because their contagious diseases are often preventable! An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, as a saying goes. Goodbye, toxic people! We’re just trying to live our lives in love and peace.
How timely, and I can’t thank you enough. I ended my brief but toxic relationship with a man I had only been dating for several months. We met via an online dating site but it was under the pretense that he was divorced and single. Unbeknownst to me, while he WAS divorced, he was still living with his “ex-girlfriend” of 6 years but in supposed separate bedrooms and they were on the outs. By the time our first date happened, I was hooked, and he didn’t tell me about the the ex-GF until we were on this date. He made it sound like she was moving out and they had been on the outs for 6 months already. So…I believed him… and waited for her to move out.
We got closer, enjoyed our time together, became intimate as well as closer emotionally, and I deluded myself into thinking she would move out soon — especially because he appeared to be falling for me…
But…he kept a photo of the two of them as his profile photo, told me she would “always have a place in his heart,” reminding me every time we were together that this “didn’t mean he and I were going steady” — and that was supposed to be funny. He didn’t want to consider us being in a relationship, yet when he spent the weekend with me, cooked me breakfast, was intimate with me, took me to dinner, it had all the hallmarks of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. We laughed, held hands, shared stories about our families, our past, etc.
It would, however, take him sometimes a day or more to respond to a text from me. Or he wouldn’t answer his cell phone even though I knew he had just texted me. Sometimes he would seem to pick a fight with me by text for no obvious reason. He could go days without contacting me. He told me he regarded me as a “dress shirt he wore every now and then and liked to carefully put on a hanger and hang in his closet until he took it out again” — and all I did was ignore the obvious and hear what I wanted to hear. I kept hoping that the more amazing I was to him, the closer he’d be to making “Cam” (not her real name) move out and then we’d have a “real relationship.” Any time I brought up the subject with him, he made it clear it wasn’t a subject he was willing to discuss with me. Kept saying it was “complicated.”
I also walked on eggshells with texting him. He frequently misconstrued my words (and I’m a good communicator) and accused me of being icy or testy with him — which was never the case.
The final straw was yesterday. We had just spent an entire weekend at my home together — a very good one. I am leaving for vacation with my 2 daughters on Feb 16 and was hoping to spend time with him before I left — hopefully celebrating Valentine’s a day early. He had yet to mention it but made a point to mock any tv commercial he saw that mentioned the holiday. I laughed at most of them too. When I let him know what days I was free leading up to my trip, I didn’t even mention the holiday. It took him 24 hours to respond and said he couldn’t remember what dates I’d mentioned. When I told him again, I suggested Monday and maybe even celebrating the holiday with me Monday. His response was that he didn’t celebrate that holiday and that I’d “have to do better than THAT.” I told him maybe he’d like to plan something else as I liked surprises. This led him to accuse me of “fishing for a gift” and reminding we weren’t even in a “full-blown relationship” because he was still “untangling his old one.” I also have no idea whether he was planning to spend VD with “Cam” either – from what he said, they did not have a romantic relationship anymore — but who knows.
I had tried ending things with him a month ago and couldn’t. Just as your article said, I was more afraid of losing the intimacy with him and the time I got to spend with him than accepting that I felt insecure about what and who he was going home to, his lack of showing me that he cared, and his frequent anger at me via text when I hinted at my developing feelings for him.
I finally got the strength last night to tell him we were done and I didn’t want to do this anymore. This situation was toxic and unhealthy for me. He was not to contact me FOR ANY REASON until he untangled his relationship with “Cam,” felt it was a healthy decision, and still wanted to be with me. Then and only then would I PERHAPS consider being with him…but for now, I have made a decision that has been more difficult than I thought it would be. I really wanted things to work with him but know that I was looking ahead to a possible fantasy future that did not exist.
He texted me this morning (so much for not texting me for any reason) to say he was sorry but that he also was not trying to change my mind. He told me I was a beautiful and good woman. I know I am. I still can’t help hoping “Cam” will move out, and he will change his life, but I also know I can’t sit back and allow myself to continue in this type of situation.
I will most likely be reading your article over and over again to remind myself that I did the best thing I could for myself even if it is difficult and painful. I deserve so much better than what he has been giving me.
Hello,
This website has content that is informative and expertly outlines the various emotions that go hand in hand with tumultuous events in life. That being said, I need to share my current experience with a toxic relationship with my wife. The marriage has taken a turn for the worse over the last 9 months. It was a slow progression and the emotional/verbal abuse that I’ve endured has gone beyond it’s peak. I’ve taken accountability for my part in what has brought us to this point. I tried to calmly reason and talk, but that has never meant anything.
We have a daughter who is 1 and she is sometimes caught in the middle of my wifes rampage and yelling. I walk away from fights when the baby is around because my wife can’t control her rage and reasoning with her is futile. I sometimes take the upstairs to escape the chaos while my wife is downstairs berating me, even what I’m not in the room. Couples therapy that has lasted about 7months and we are now on our 2nd couples therapist. It’s a waste of time when my wife refuses to address her mental well being and fills the therapy session with everything except avoiding talking about her behavior. One example is her barricading the bedroom door during the morning and not allowing my daughter and I to leave the bedroom until she got an explanation for what I plan to do to “fix things.” As if I was the only one responsible for the last few months. Thanks to that 20minute baracade, I was late to a meeting at work and our daughter was crying for her morning milk. My wife didn’t care…she just wanted her explanation. That’s a completely selfish act and her selfishness has taken various shapes. I can go on and on, link the signs of a toxic relationship that are outlined here, but ultimately I still have to go home to this life and try to keep the peace for my daughters sake as well.
-feeling lost
I so wish that you and your baby daughter didn’t have to go through this. It also sounds as though your wife is struggling with things at the moment. I notice that you have said that your daughter is 1, and that your marriage took a turn for the worse 9 months ago. Has the possibility of post-natal depression in your wife been ruled out? Depression doesn’t always look like sadness or withdrawal. Sometimes it can look like anger and the confusion you’re describing here. It’s just something to think about. Post-natal depression is very real and can really change women and relationships when it happens. It can certainly be managed effectively though. Of course, I can only go by what you have described, and it might not be PND at all, but it might be. A clue would be the difference in your wife’s behaviour between now and the way she was before the birth of your daughter. If there is any chance it might be post-natal depression, please encourage your wife to speak with a doctor. It will be important for your wife, your daughter and you. A doctor will be able to see if depression is driving your wife’s behaviour. If it is post-natal depression, there are really effective ways to manage it to bring hormones, neurochemicals etc back to balance.
This has helped me so much today. I may have to read it everyday. I am only one week out of a toxic 5 year relationship where I clearly loved him more than I did myself. I held on and prayed it would get better, he made it SO hard to leave….I still cant believe I did it. He is starting to date and making sure I know about it, which he knows cuts right through my heart. Trying to be strong, can barely eat, not even sure how I am functioning at work, but praying that I get through it like all of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I’m so pleased this has been able to give you some comfort when you needed it. Leaving any relationship can be hard but with toxic ones there can be so much self-doubt and manipulation that goes with it. You have so much strength in you and the time will come when you will be so clear of this, and so grateful for the courage you had to let go. I know it’s hard right now, but you will get there. Stay strong. Love to you.
Stay strong! You can do it. Leaving was the hardest part.
I have been married 21 years. We have 5 kids together and have been a stay at home mom. I am scared to leave…How will I find a job to support me? When I look at apartments they want proof of employment. I have no money to leave and he makes sure I know that everything is his including his old phone i am using. What are the first steps? Do I get a job? Do I file for divorce and wait for divorce to leave. He says he won’t leave
Hi Giana,
I see that your post is a recent one. I am also in a very similar situation as you and noticed that the more you talk about this to others who have gone through the same thing, the easier it gets. I think it’s because you stop seeing your relationship as special and realize that what you once thought was unique, is actually not. I know this sounds odd but please get in touch with me if you want to discuss this. We can have daily calls or something just to try to help each other get through this. I broke up with my ex around the same time as you so we’re probably in similar places right now. I don’t want to give my personal information on this site but I can create a new email address for you to message me on if you feel that you would like to take me up on the offer.
Please let mr know where to contact you! Would love to talk. I became weak and had a setback and now I’m
Worried all over again. 🙁
Hey Giana,
You can email me at
I created this email address for the purposes of anonymity. I’ve also been seeing a therapist which helps a lot so I can share her advise with you.
I met a guy whom I loved. He did things I loved in a guy. It wasn’t a long relationship. We had a misunderstanding and he left. He stopped any form of communication with me and it hurts so deep. I always hope he will get back but doesn’t seem to even look back which hurts the most.
I don’t know how to move on from there.
Feel like I missed something
This is such a good article for anyone in a toxic relationship. I always find myself googling for how to get out of the relationship. Seriously this article has opened my eyes to what is really going on gives me strength. I’m have placed a date in my calendar and if things have not changed then I’m promising myself today that I’ll know exactly what to do when that day comes. I’m going to stop making excuses and I’m going to love myself. I’ve been living in a fantasy for so long and it hurts but I know I’ll be alright. If anyone would like to talk I would love to have a friend who understands. I’m pretty isolated as well so this is taking a big leap. Just to talk to someone and know that I’m not alone helps.
How are you? Have you held to you date? I too am going thru my own situation and need others to talk to who are n the same.space.
Giana,
I am currently living your exact same story except I’m so scared to let go but I know it’s there. I would love to connect if interested please reach out. I really am suffering with the thought of letting him go
Hi all,
I am in the same boat… but still scared to leave. Trying to build up the courage again. Except I left once before and then returned for the hope of the fantasy that it would get better and because leaving was more painful than staying. Now I am 8 and a half years in, grappling with the decision whether I should go or not. However I moved to his city where I have no close friends or family and when I initially left or when he ignores me it feels ridiculously lonely! I am caught in a whirlwind of confusion because he says I make up a lot of the things we argue about. I’ve lost sight of what’s true for me and I feel like I can’t trust myself anymore. I keep revisiting this article to convince myself that I’m not crazy.
I’m going through the same exact thing you are, down to every detail. Still with him now and I know it’s not healthy or I wouldn’t be googling “how to leave a toxic relationship”. Would love to talk.. I don’t think I have enough courage to start over.
I’m in the same situation, trying to find enough courage to leave.. I would love to have someone to talk to.
I am going through the exact same thing. Except I’m a man and my girlfriend is destroying me inside. I could definitely use someone to talk to. If any of you want to talk and want a guys perspective. Please let me know. I’m at my breaking point. I don’t know what to do
I have been reading through various people’s responses and it makes me feel so much better to know I am not alone. I have been seeing a man off and on since 12/2016 who is a narcissist. I have only recently learned what defines a person this way, have been on an emotional roller coaster with this man and yet cannot seem to will the strength to end it for good. Each time (4x to be exact) it has ended, one or both of us keep worming our way back into each other’s life. It’s toxic, and yet I keep going back for more. He has recently been making an effort to change (almost impossible for a narcissist to achieve), yet as soon as there is any kind of issue or disagreement, it is always turned around so I am on the defensive.
Background – he just got out of a 6 year relationship. When we met (12/2016), this woman was still living in his home although in separate bedrooms and their relationship had been crumbling for the past year. We broke up several times because of the obvious difficulties in dating someone this way and yet she moved out at the end of 4/2017. It was then that he said he missed me more than he realized he would, wanted me in his life, and wanted a fresh start with me. He has been making it a point to call and/or text every day (something he was terrible at prior and bothered me).
We are both celebrating our 50th birthdays next month. Last weekend, he invited me as his date to meet his brother and sister and spouses and stay overnight in NYC to celebrate. They had told him to bring someone. I was so excited – I went out and bought a new cocktail dress and couldn’t wait. The hotel and restaurant they’d selected was very upscale and it felt great knowing he wanted me there.
Last night, he texted me (not called) to tell me the plans had “changed.” His family decided to have a “family affair” and hold the celebration at a cousin’s house. I was not invited. He said we’d do something else that weekend.
I was really disappointed. I’d just taken the tags off the dress that morning, found shoes, etc. When I told him how disappointed I was, instead of being apologetic, he said, “Well, what did you want me to do?!?!?!?” I told him it wasn’t for me to tell him, but I was just disappointed.
He said he wasn’t ready to introduce me to his family and that many of his family members still really like his old girlfriend, which makes it harder. Then he said this was why he didn’t want the “stress or obligation” of being involved. I tried to call him, but he wouldn’t answer his phone — said he had a headache and didn’t feel well. This is another passive aggressive way he avoids me too.
I know it wasn’t his fault that his family changed the plans — I just wish he’d wanted me there. I wish he had apologized more and had the empathy to see how disappointed I was that we weren’t going into NYC together. That is the narcissistic part. Instead of thinking about how I feel, it is still about him. It’s always about him!
I said that I hoped we could celebrate ourselves — just the two of us somehow, yet I’m upset that I’m just willing to take it.
There’s been so much more — but this was just the latest in a series of incidents where something has happened, and I have been made to feel badly for being upset or disappointed in some way.
As a footnote, this morning I texted him and said I hoped he felt better and to have a good day. An hour later, I got back “U 2.” We have plans to get together tomorrow night, and I had said I hoped we could figure out birthday plans then.
I know I shouldn’t be putting up with this. I feel weak and spineless that I can’t stand up to him. I don’t know why I’m afraid of losing him either — except that when we’re together, I enjoy his company. I know that isn’t enough. I keep hoping he’ll change.
I’m aware that I should be able to pull myself away from him. My own family (my mom especially) is upset that I continue to go back to him and says I’ll continue to be disappointed and continue on the emotional roller coaster that I’m on.
To make this even MORE complicated, I’ve recently met someone else. He currently doesn’t live in the same state but has his home for sale and is moving to my area where his office headquarters are. I have only been out with him once, but he is taking me to lunch this week. He is super attentive, friendly, warm, and genuinely seems to be a nice person. I have no idea whether I really like him, but part of me keeps being pulled back toward my narcissist — and it makes me feel lousy that my heart wants to be with someone who is not treating me quite the way I want him to.
Anyway, I would love to hear from anyone (including Francesco for a man’s perspective) who wants to share. If you send me an email, I will gladly respond.
I know exactly how u feel…the let downs are the worse pain as they actually can just blantely say it feeling no remorse…im at the end of my relationship now..he has just cheated on me and ive caught him out I just cant take anymore and I have to let go for my own sanity I’m losing weight and all for what a man that doesn’t even care…
Honey you already said it “ it is always about him”. And it doesn’t matter how long you stay (I personally wasted 16 years of my life) with the narcissist I was involved with. They don’t change they just get good at hurting you more. Who wants to be in a relationship with someone who only thinks of themselves. He will get nastier with each argument and always blame you, he will never take responsibility for his actions he’s always entitled to anything he wants. Please get out of this and find a guy who’s capable of loving you.
We All have to start over, we are killing ourselves over people who never deserved us in the first place.
I know what you mean by being with a man who does not deserve me. I have been in a toxic relationship for 6 months. Example…..last night after a huge fight we had a week ago he invites me to dinner at his house, he is in the kitchen cooking, and i ask him if he is going to give me a hug (haven’t seen each other in a week) and he says “I am trying to kill this fly that has been in my house a week, that is a “loaded” question” and he never answered or hugged me. Just a tiny tidbit of his verbally abusive comments – let me know what you think, i am really ready to end this relationship.
I said “who is more important the fly or me?” that is when he says that is a loaded question
Hi Sally,
My question is whether or not you stayed for dinner — because I have been in the same place as you and have stayed — even though he has made similar passive-aggressive statements.
I have had the same type of scenario and been off and on with this same kind of guy for 6 months as well. We are “off” right now, and I hope I have the strength to let it stay that way, but I keep coming back each time he offers to “cook dinner,” “take me out,” etc. — 5x in 6 months — a terrible track record, I know. Trying to figure out why since I know he doesn’t deserve me either.
My example is just a week ago, he told me he had missed me more than he thought he was going to (it had been a month), realized how much he wanted me in his life, and realized he wanted a “fresh start” with me and didn’t want to be with anyone else. I cried because he was saying all the things I wanted to hear. We had fantastic sex (which I suspect is part of the reason I keep coming back). He then asked me to attend a 50th birthday event with him in NYC and meet his family for the first time — swanky hotel, upscale restaurant. I bought a dress, was so excited. (I even put a countdown on my phone.)
One week later, he texts (!) me his sister has decided to make his celebration a “family event” in CT and I had been uninvited; he wouldn’t feel comfortable introducing me to his whole family. He told me many people in his family still sided with his ex-girlfriend and still liked her. WTF?! You’d think they’d be happy he had found someone new, someone who cared about him, etc. Turns out none of them had been told he had been seeing me for 6 mos and he didn’t want to tell them this. I told him how very disappointed I was, I had just taken the tags off the new dress, and his response was, “What do you want me to do about it?!!??!” — instead of telling me how bad he felt, he’d make it up to me, etc. He couldn’t empathize with why I felt so badly at all.
Fast forward 12 hours — he texts me again (!) to tell me, “You’re gonna be mad, but I think I’m going to San Francisco this weekend (Memorial Day) to hang out with my college roommate. I still have flying privileges via Kristin” (his ex-girlfriend).” So, the first holiday weekend he is set to spend with me, the “fresh start,” he decides to go out to SF rather than be with me — impulsively. He then proceeds to tell me how he feels I’m an “obligation” and it’s so much “work” having a girlfriend, and when his friend asked him to come out, his first reaction was “oh crap, now I have to check with Lauren first.” Made me feel horrible, so unimportant. I get physically ill just reliving this by writing it all down. I would’ve gone with him to SF! I would’ve been so thrilled if he had planned something for US to do this weekend.
I broke it off that night — via text — told him to live his life “free of obligations.” I deserve so much better. I deserve someone who makes me feel desired, special, important. I’m hoping I don’t get sucked back into his web. I don’t know why I keep going back. I don’t know why any of us keep going back when they treat us so badly.
My self-worth and self-esteem have taken such a beating this past year. I keep having to tell myself how much better I deserve. I’ll be home alone this Memorial Day Weekend. My daughters are with their father, my friends are with their own families or boyfriends, and I have nothing to do. The weather is supposed to be bad. I’m dreading it. I feel so kicked around and stepped on.
Sounds as if he has baggage and Has brought issues to the relationship that have nothing to do with you. Their scars from his past.. You know watch somebody’s reaction and it turns out those negative reactions are how they reacted when their feelings have been hurt previously when they have suffered previously.. that’s how to react again . I mean tested on yourself the next time you have a negative reaction to something…. Ask yourself why? I wondered this about myself in my husband. If it was me or him? I realized that my And reactions and actions reflected this.. When something hurt me from the past, The 1st response is going to be a reaction to that hurt and to protect yourself. It takes a genuine effort And thought behind it to be able to control that and not make someone else responsible for our own hurts from our pasts.
I don’t know your particular situation but I feel you can trust herself. I to am going through some of the same things I am in the midst of it now I’d been married for 16 years and we separated for 5 years just moved back in were 2 weeks in Is the nicest person in the world he has manners and no one ever could complain. At least those at surface level relationships.. Years older than me but I think it has to do with the way he was raised reputation mattered more.. I think hes on auto pilot and he doesn’t have to think and consider nothing or anyone else’s feelings but his own. I over do everything. He still tries to do his best for me but it’s fake.. He doesn’t put any thought into me or how I tell him I feel. I don’t think I should have to argue for this I’ve done it for too many years. I mean I’m not perfect I have my own issues but I deal with them and I try to be a better person in to do better and to face my weaknesses and problems. That’s one thing that I can see about myself I can’t. I do believe hes toxic but I’m still unsure I don’t have any friends or anyone close enough to share my situation with I want somebody that can give me constructive criticism Or even maybe to help me see something then I might be blind to. I want the truth. But I haven’t run in to anyone that’s willing to take the time to invest in considering what I’m saying is true for me.. But I need some guidance. Or maybe I just need to find my strength and realized the truth myself and set a date and do it.. One problem I have attention deficit hyperactivity and I have an executive function issue which has kept me from working for Years. But I’ve been a wife and mom and I believe in myself and I just don’t have a career with the supporting Paycheck. I don’t even care anymore at the unknown or not having the ability to support myself. That once was there scary I wouldn’t even move. But none of that matters anymore What matters is that I don’t go numb. I think Isn’t that what matters not to lose heart? If you’re so in the same place and have time I know life happens so.. I’m just taking a Chance, But either way I hope you’re doing well and I hope things have worked out for you..
Giana
you’re my hero
Stay strong YOU can do this. Know that this too shall pass. Your comment is helping me. I walked out on my wedding a month ago and still chose to stay with him only to keep getting the same results. I too have to decided now to just let it go. However, he is persistent on trying to make me stay in this toxic situation which is killing my courage and strength on the inside. I too can be strong and move on.
This was a great find tonight, thank you. I think it will help me through this! I’m day one of leaving a toxic relationship of 3 years. It hasn’t been that long, but long enough to make it difficult. I just don’t understand how I can feel so sad and miserable. I should feel happy and free. I don’t want to care about him, he doesn’t me. Unless I’m the target for criticism. I should be happy!!!!
I just left my toxic wife
Wow what a relief
No more drama and self induced chaos 24.7
It does hurt no lie
I miss her and what I thought we’d become
All expectations really based on distorted reality
You do start going crazy doubting your own truth and witness
But you’ll realize that it’s the addiction to drama that’s actually the hook
It’s a drug too
I wanted to save her
More then myself
Hmmm that’s weird
One breath at a time go forward and work on yourself for now
I did the same, as per earlier comments. I haven’t been back here for some time. It has been so difficult and painful. I still get anxious from any form of contact. But is gets better. It may take a long long time, I know that, but not starting would have been worse. I miss her nearly every day. I still get feelings like I want to save her, even after what she did to me. I am trying to figure out why and how I could feel that way. But now i don’t help and I am in a much better position in many ways. I am scared of her begging to come back one day. But I am positive that by then I will respect myself more than ever before.
I have been in this toxic relationship for ya too long it’s embarrassing (15 years) and a son who is now 11 who I’ve raised. It’s the hardest thing to let go as I’ve tried many times and go months and months sometimes only to feel sorry for her or hear her say she misses me or loves me. I always give in and think things will be different. At times even feels like there might be a chance. Her addiction has ruined her life and she is a miserable person with draining and exhausting energy. Here I am again trying to go on without her after a six week run that felt empty as always. She is so detached from the relationship anyone want as far as communication and being available and showing the sacrifice for change. Nothing ever changes! So I’m hoping this time I finally keep moving and give myself a true and real chance to let go and heal to maybe one day find the wife I so much seek and want in my life.
Missing is so normal, hurtful and makes you sick. It’s a constant battle within. Especially when you love that person. It’s bad even for me because he doesn’t care. He will never apologize for he has never done anything wrong. I have to constantly remind myself I need to move forward. The scary thought is I have to go back and get my things. I’m here to talk. I think if we meet people that are going through the same helps. Day by day. We will get through this! I’m speaking from being in a very dark place. If I can become stronger, anyone can. We just need support. It helps like nothing ever!
After 3 yrs of a toxic relationship I am a month of being out of it. I said no and then he started to lose his control over me. I came out of my dark cloud and could see clearly what he had been doing to manipulate and control me. I could see why friends had told me his possessiveness and jealousy were not right. Yet he didn’t ever consider my feelings. How it was all one sided in his favour and I exhausted myself running around after him..through fear of his mood swings and worry for him. Forgetting about myself
I was left broken. Panicky. Scared and not eat or sleep for weeks.slowly I put myself first and had courage to talk to strangers… I was allowed to…but been conditioned to feel.I couldn’t through fear of repocusion. I joined exercise groups, art,Dancing and got my confidence back. Just last week I travelled across Spain alone on public transport… Not panicking, not stressed, just happy to find me again. It is hard… But concentrate on you. Who you are, what you enjoy…. And find yourself again. I didn’t think I would or could but I got there. I still miss him but know it was for his gains.. And I have learnt from the harsh experience and I will love again… I have faith. Big hugs and please please stay strong. Cut all contact with them
I feel stuck in my relationship too and would be interested to discuss with someone going through similar experiences. 10 years in, toxic relationship, two kids, scared of leaving as he’s all I’ve known
I love this article. I’m 38 in a toxic marriage with 3kids for 14 years. the thought of him moving on is what makes me stay.
I am in the same situation as this. We are 11 years in, and have 3 kids together. I have only ever stayed because I have this picture in my head of what a family is, I have always known he is not the one for me.
I feel that leaving him will destroy him, and I feel responsible for that. He claims that I am his be all and end all, and we come to this place that I want out every couple months, to which he then promises to change, and that things will get better.
I feel that he is a very mild case of emotional abuse, but that he doesn’t even realize he is doing it. He tries to manipulate and control the situation, but I have gotten wise to it.
I am so worried about how this will affect my kids, and although I am unhappy, I can’t imagine not coming home to someone.
I guess it just feels like it would be easier if he wanted this to end as well.
Although I am a man going through this and you a woman, I can’t believe how many of us are dealing with such toxic people that no matter how hard we try can’t figure out how to walk away and deal with life keeping these people at a distance? I believe knowing that no matter how horrible these indiduals can be they love them and always will I believe in most cases so this doesn’t help us from detaching from them. It’s SO hard! Life’s so short and we keep ourselves from being happy continuing to try to make things work with them only to fall short every time and how this article says “diminished” less of the awesome human beings that we are.
I’m trying again to move in without her although we haven’t lived together for 3 years. We have always played the get lonely and sleep with each other sometimes for weeks. Then she just drains my energy with all her issues and distance. It’s like she is just there but there is no progress. IDK? Really tough but here I go again. Maybe this time I’ll keep in moving forward. Hope and wish you strength and happiness ahead.
This is also my day one of finally admitting to myself I no longer want to be in a toxic relationship. It is hard for me to leave him now because I am eight months pregnant and financially incapable but I am looking forward on that day where I will finally walk away.
This reminds me of my relationship that I am currently trying to get myself out of. It is a constant battle within myself. I met this guy and we have been dating for a year now. When we first met, he was super nice, and I couldn’t believe someone as sweet we him existed. He listened to me when I was upset and he would show so much concern for me, even when I didn’t want to be bothered at the moment. He constantly called and texted very fast also the time. We spoke about our future, hopes, and dreams and he told me that he saw something in me. It was the best feeling. He made me feel brand new, like I wanted to love and be loved! I was happy for the first time and thought wow he is definitely the one!
A few months into our relationship we had an argument- a serious one, an argument that led to throwing words that were not meant to be said. I admit I was wrong in that situation due to being spiteful which came around to bite me in the butt. He then showed me a side to him that I’ve never seen before. He started writing girls in front my face, from Facebook( random girls) and there was one girl he texted “wyd baby”, and she said “you’re only three days late”. My heart melted and we were on bad terms for a good while.
After that, we came to terms that we were going to stay with each other and make it work. He kept bringing the situation up constantly everytime up to this day he uses it as an excuse to do the things that he does. He makes me look to his friends and family like I’m a physcopath when really he is the one that brings Me to feel insecure due to his name calling, constant emotional abuse, and talking to other females behind my back.
When I tell him about a problem that I have with him, he says he doesn’t want to talk about it or brushes me off and says I’m just crazy. But he says that when he’s wrong or when he knows he’s lying.
When we are doing well, he tells me that he loves me very much and wants to make it work and that I should not be worried because he only loves me yet I’m always finding something new ( without trying) that makes me lose my mind over.
I am trying my best to stay strong. I have even distanced myself from my family and its not that I wanted to, its just that when I’m not around him, it makes me feel crazy on the inside of what he’s possibly doing especially since he says hurtful things. How do I get the courage to finally leave this hurtful, lonely, depressing, and toxic relationship? Someone please help me because I feel I can’t go on:(
Hi there, I know really well exactly what you are feeling and the toxic relationship you are in is textbook. Meaning this is what a narcissist psychopath acts like. I know because I have loved one (at least I thought it was love-and what I gave was love—but what I received was most definitely not “love”. Loving people aren’t perfect people but they also don’t go around damaging other human beings. A person who loves you won’t run off to the next lover for attention or whatever they claim whilst in the relationship with you. That’s a really shitty garbage human being right there with huge issues that need to be addressed by the person first and then by a professional. Those people can not even be in healthy relationships. They don’t have a clue how. They don’t have the skills necessary AT ALL. Ever. And believe me when I tell you that these broken people will not walk off into any sunset with another man or woman and suddenly become the men and women we’d all hoped they’d be for us. They are toxic. And in all honesty they enjoy the toxicity. They aren’t emotionally involved. But you are. That’s why it’s so easy for them to run around behind your/our:mine (who Evers) back and play the game with a new unsuspecting fresh victim. You were chosen by a person who acts more like a predator than anything else. Stand back and really look at the situation. Pull the love goggles off. Were you loving and kind? Absolutely I’m sure you were. Were you manipulated over and over….absolutely yes. Do you want to be with a manipulative jack ass for ever? Who’s definitely cheated on you? That crap behavior won’t stop. Believe me. I have been in my nightmare for 16 horrifying years. 2 small kids. One with special needs. A dug abuser and all around abuser. They whittle you down. Steal your self confidence. Make you feel worthless and valueless. And be assured they’re also the ones that can make you feel valuable and worthy. It’s really sick. And if you hang in like I have you will look back with complete regret at not having left at the first sign of sickness. I have been ruined financially. Betrayed in the must inhunane and disgusting ways imaginable. What’s bizarre….no one would ever know what I have suffered bc on the outside to the rest of the world I am a strong woman. A confident woman. The truth about abuse is frightening and so traumatic and damaging. None of us deserved this. It’s what we got because we chose to try and help or save people who first led us to believe they wanted us to save them. That was all part of their manipulation though. We were chosen for our “goodness” to be a constant source of attention and love and reaching out. We were chosen for our sense of never wanting to give up on something. Meanwhile these truly damaged people do not want help they dont want to change (even they they will say over and over that they do want to change) they willl never follow through. Ever. Which is why we are all here reading these self help articles.
Just leave. Drop it like a bad habit and never look back. Ever. My ex is such an abuser and so messed up in the head that I don’t even want him near me or my children. He’s not good for anyone. My 8 year old daughter even knows. She sees him for what and who he is. It’s sad! Really sad. Of course I wished for better for her and for all of us. But if that toxic person isn’t willing to do the REAL WORK they need to be dumped and treated like the trash they’ve been acting like. They need good healthy doses of reality.
If you see your ex mate moving on (which you will bc these people have no scruples ….be glad your not the next victim…say a prayer for the next victim….hope she’s not as naive as we were….no one deserves to be hurt like we’ve been hurt. No one. ) I do apologize if I sound harsh. But I have been through it all. Been dragged through the dirt. It horrifies me to confront the truth of what I’ve lived through and the poor choices I have made. And if I can help myself and even one other person then that will make what I’ve lived through valuable in some way. I’ve been alone in my relationship for years. Been cheated on. Found out in horrifyingly disgusting ways. While I was pregnant with our special needs child. Heard every excuse in the book and was blamed for his cheating….by him! It was my fault. Lies upon lies. This is a man that I took care of. Cooked for. Provided for. Cleaned after. Financially backed and helped. Nothing I ever did was enough and so I DID MORE AND MORE AND MORE until finally I realized the game. Finally I realized the brutal human being I had been dumb enough to play wife and home maker with. To this day he still will say how much he loves me. HA. OF COURSE HE DOES! What’s not to love about all of us? We are good people, with good hearts….what’s not to “love”. These people will say whatever. Pay attention from now on to the actions. The actions will show you what’s real every time.
Douche bag texting another chick or dude while with you?
Is this what love looks like to us? No. we know better.
Let go of that m-fer.
Another tactic these people will use is finding any and all ways to BIND YOU TO THEM. Not just emotionally, but physically, financially, through children and pets, every single way possible. They don’t want to be left. That hurts there sick ego.
So leave them. Hit them where they deserve to be hit for the destruction they’ve caused in your life. Write down there traits “good” and bad. Then analyze your list. Were the God things really good? Or were they ways to keep you around. Things they did to passify you. Things they maybe even bribed you with.
For me, realizing that every thing I thought was good was really just another manipulation was a really hard pill to swallow. I denied for a long time. Until I couldn’t deny it anymore. A person can’t be good and bad. There isn’t a gray area with abusers. You are either not abusive. Or you are. Good people don’t go around abusing others. Doesn’t happen. Ever.
And if you had to learn to defend yourself from abuse, even using violence yourself….you are not an abuser. You were trying to save yourself from the person who you trusted to never even think of raising a hand at you. ??
After years of struggling it came down to this for me.
Does this persons values align with my values?
I’m talking core values. Whatever your core values are. Name them. Write them down.
Next to each of your beautiful values write down if your “partner” has showed you that they have the same values. I’m not talking about what they say are their values. I’m taking about what they SHOW YOU their values are.
You (I included) have been conditioned to feel bad for these people. To feel bad leaving. To feel bad for giving up. Etc.
don’t feel bad. This isn’t about them anymore. This is about YOU. For the first time in god knows how long…you, I, we, are liking out for number 1 first and foremost. Don’t fall for bullshit when they come runining back to you after they’ve gone and screwed with a few more people in the short time you’ve been apart. Your hunch and your intuition about these losers and their cheating habits is DEAD ON.
Drop them. Don’t even waste time thinking about what you could have done different. You did the best you could. Truly. Now pick yourself up! Be nice to yourself. Be kind to yourself and be everything you know you deserve and the next time we all partner up it will be with other human beings who share our same values. They won’t make you question it even once! ❤️❤️
Should we find ourselves in a relationship again though with tell tale signs that something isn’t right….we’ll know and be done with it.
I’m in this journey with all of you.
I’m working on letting go without anger and resentment. I hope to be able to pray for my ex in earnest. But first and foremost I want to be done for good and move on to what I know I deserve, and right now I’m moving on to ME ❤️ I’m going to be the best partner I’ve ever had. I’m going to have my own back. I’ll never betray myself again in life.
I have read all these threads and your one made me want to reply. I too am in a similar relationship. The constant digs the name calling the put downs and then there’s the talking and messaging other women on Facebook. I get that crazy feeling also like if he turns his fone off…because we don’t live together I have been known to get a cab over to his just so I know he’s not up to anything. It’s always one rule for him and a different rule for me. I’m at such a lost and so scared to leave because I just wudnt know how to cope. I’m mentally so exhausted being on this roller coaster ride cos that is how it feels, everyday I don’t know how he’s going to feel…I can normally tell from the minute I speak to him what mood he is in. I need to find the strength to go and I know One day I will…I just think for me I need to build my self esteem back up…I’ve realised u can’t change anyone only urself and make changes then maybe he will change himself but I don’t have much hope…
Hi, Giana, I read all the comments on this thread and yours is the one I feel the most identified. I’m living everything you mentioned, even the dating part. I’m very anxious and don’t know what to think/do, this is just so painful…
Any advice? How are you right now?
Hello!
I am writing form Europe.
I was born into a very toxic family. Now, I know it.
My childhood was sad.
I always strived to please my parents, but nothing was never enough…
All you’ve written (by the way, thank you!!!!!) reflects on my own experience…
Please, can you help me more? How can I heal my childhood wounds? You know, even today (and for all of my adult life) all that child abuse continues to sabotaging me. And I still have to visit my parents. It’s hard, very very hard.
Well, nothing more. Let us think about a positive way forward, OK?
A joyful day for all of us!
I love your openness to moving forward in a positive way. It’s not easy to let go of the hold that a toxic family can have. Here is an article that will hopefully give you some stategies and strengthhttps://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-parent/
I feel for you and have the problem of getting over the past too. I’m 51 and still can’t get out of it. Hard and really wonder if we ever can. Prayers to you and your days ahead. We have to try and let it all go because we can’t change it no matter what. Say little prayers throughout the day in your head. And right before you have to see them. Will help you. And now only think about you. Xo. Schellie
Thank you so much for the wisdom shared in this article. I have been in a toxic relationship for the past 3 years experiencing unhappiness, depression, and resentment.
My ex fiancé cheated on me every year of our relationship, I always took her back. I was so afraid of being alone and venturing into the unknown that I put my happiness on the back burner.
Today the relationship ended and she has moved out. It took a lot of courage and prayers to finally take control of my life.
I prayed constantly asking God if I should stay in the relationship. I received an answer yesterday telling me to look inside my heart for the answer. My heart does not love, trust, or respect my ex. I finally realized what I needed to do for myself. God did not want to tell me what to do, he wanted me to make a decision based on what my heart felt.
It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make, but I know in my heart that it was the right choice. I left the relationship because we bring out the worst in each other. It was time to let go and seek out my happiness. I spent the entire relationship putting my ex and her daughter first, my efforts were rewarded with infidelity and disrespect.
Have faith and courage in the pursuit of your happiness and know that there is someone out there who will love you and bring out your best characteristics – healthy relationships uplift your spirit and shine the light of God into your soul.
I hope this is posting to the man who just broke up with his girlfriend (who has a child). I believe in the old quote: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Cheating is a serious trust issue and a deal breaker; sounds to me from your post tha since she’s cheated on you every year of your relationship – well that’s not love – that’s pure and outright infidelity. Before you enter into next relationship may I venture to request that you question yourself – what draws (attracts) you to women who unable to be trustworthy, and why do you unconsciously feel/believe that you are not worthy of a woman who will love, adore, cherish, and sacrifice and compromise for your relationship with her?
I too have just left a toxic relationship. 14 years with a widower, who’s children hate me (why, no one knows), this year, he decided that if I wasn’t invited to his families Christmas, he won’t be going, I thanked him for that, however, he now blames me for not going! He is very selfish, and if I am honest, everything we did and go, was always his choice! I am going through menopause,mso I know I haven’t been great either, but there just wasn’t any support or caring, he says the right things, but does the opposite! He even told me I wasn’t good enough for him! (I am a vet nurse, he is a retired primary school teacher!), he honestly feels superior! He refuses to marry me or even live with me, because, “he has done it all before”! In the end, all I wanted was to be accepted, not refused to go to family weddings, etc., he wants to keep me in the dark! Says I have anger problems (I probably do, however, his actions cause it!). It really hurts to let go, as I love him dearly, but I can no longer keep going like this either. I have to be worth more than this.
Inge you are absolutely worth more than this! Anyone who doesn’t see that, doesn’t deserve you. Letting go of a relationship is never easy, even when you know the relationship isn’t right for you. It sounds as though you have worked hard for this relationship, and have made this decision with strength and clarity. Keep moving forward, and let the love that deserves you, find you.
I read this hoping to find the courage to walk away. I feel so dead inside but at the same time i am so afraid of life after him. How do you let go? How do you stay strong and not give in? It’s so hard for me but the verbal abuse is just so much. What can i do to walk away? I really need help, Ive lost family, friends and self love through all this and i know i must go BUT im too afarid of regretting it.
But how will you feel in a year or 2 years or 3 years if you stay? You can do this. The strength, courage and resourcefulness you need is inside you. You just need to take the first step.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Do not commit to this marriage if parts of it feel wrong now in your gut because they will ALWAYS feel and be wrong. If yours is like how mine was, parts of your relationship work and that is why you are trying to justify staying in it. You feel like you want to salvage those good parts. You ask yourself, “How can I give up the good or great things about us when we have so few of them and they are the glue of the relationship? They are what we do well and I will try to make them enough” Paired with that is your need to not want to hurt her. However, your needs that you are not getting out of this relationship that aren’t being met now are going to eat away at the whole unit making those good things seem less significant because all that will stand out are the unmet needs. Always. I personally stayed too long for financial reasons but there were also other issues as well which were leaving me sad and my/our needs unmet so naturally the relationship crashed. Another tell tale sign of trouble were the multiple times that I tried to end it but ended up staying and believe me, you do not want to go down that road if you want to keep your dignity and your sense of self worth in tact. There is always too high of a price to pay in staying in the wrong relationship which also means staying with the wrong person FOR YOU. They may be this or that and you just cant see how any person in their right mind wouldn’t want what they offer. But don’t fall into the trap of telling yourself that. You matter. She matters. Maybe one day when you are feeling strong and after you’ve made a definite decision that you need to change direction, sit down with her and discuss what you are feeling with her because you owe her that. Unlike I did, stick to your guns and don’t allow yourself to be talked out of your feelings or rather talked into staying. Honesty and being true to yourself and then acting on what you feel is the best thing to do(its going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done)are the only way that you will ever be able to take each consecutive step. Don’t ever feel bad for having feelings and needs or you may regret it one day. Just make sure whatever you choose is coming from a loving place of kindness and consideration and convey that to her. You can do this because you must. You’ll be fine and will feel a whole lot better after you’ve taken that first step towards loving yourself. I wish you peace and kindness always.
I wanted to address the part of your comment about if and how can you fall back in love with her. Of course you can but you need to put in the work. If after you’ve had a good heart to heart talk with her and you both decide that this is what you BOTH want to pursue, then you both need to commit to making each day better for the other one in little ways everyday that you know that they will appreciate and that show you care. Not only that, but you will need to assess yourselves and see if the physical attraction part of this is working and make necessary changes there if need be. Thats a great place to start.
My struggle is that it’s not a clear mismatch. She’s nice, a great cook, cares for me to a fault. Has the same values and dreams. I don’t know if I’ve met anyone so full of life as her. Yet for the first week after I proposed I wake up each morning and say ‘Lord, I don’t want to marry her.” I feel anxious all the time, a twisting in my gut.
I feel like the biggest piece of trash telling her I don’t want to marry her anymore. What’s wrong with me? Is there something I can do to madly fall in love with her once again?
I cant wait for more. This is the best website ever. It keeps me up late and waking up early just to get more insight almost daily. Who needs a therapist?! Walk away with more clarity each time..LOVE LOVE LOVE! See you soon
Hello there, thought I would contribute my 2 cents. I’m in a very bad relationship. A lot of mental abuse- as in being ignored and just being very disrespected and talked down to. We seem to have nothing in common anymore and he admits he’s a “scumbag” but doesn’t seem to want to change the way he acts towards me, all while I’ve become the person who always chases him, even when he is the one who should be apologizing. Man I feel pathetic about that. I hate that he has this hold over me where I want to be with him, even though when he’s around I just want him gone, weird! I think I miss who he used to be in the beginning of the relationship. I’m so sad that when I’m angry and tell him I’m going to leave he always says “I understand ” and doesn’t seem to want to stop me. I feel so unloved and not valuable to him at all. I know it’s the beginning of the end, saving to move out and get a roommate… I’m scared to be out on my own. I’m 24 and never have lived anywhere but with boyfriends. So heartbroken, feels like I’ve lost my best friend.
Brook the sooner you can move on from this the better for you. It is always so painful fighting for a relationship with someone who isn’t fighting to hold on to you. If you feel unloved by him, this is no refection at all on how loveable you are and all about the relationship. Some relationships, however much you want to hold on to them, will never be nurturing and loving and life-giving. Take some time to be on your own. It will give you the chance to become your own hero, which will make you more likely to find a healthy relationship with someone who adds to your life in positive, beautiful ways. This will happen for you. Don’t stay with something that hurts you because you’re worried about being on your own. Nothing is lonelier than being in a relationship that makes it feel as though love is hard. Keep moving forward with this. You’re worth it.
Brook im 29 – just go ! Girls are like butterflys they should be chased –
This is tough. I am the one who I think makes life difficult for my husband; I deal with depression and chronic pain and am in a “bad mood” (that puts it mildly) just about every day. I just want be put out of my misery and have at times begged him to let me go and move on with his life. He says he loves me and could never do that, but I know he is unhappy and stressed, but he won’t admit it. He is the type of person who once he makes a commitment he sticks by it. I don’t show affection; I’m numb to those kinds of feelings so he doesn’t get any physical love either. I don’t know what to do.
Keep vascillating. Suffering , torment. Hard, I am 53, two school aged children, by deceased husband. Remarried hs sweetheart despite suspecting he had issues. Research, 6 yrs of confusion, heartbreak, pain, seeing cycles, patterns, he seems nknowable, volatle, zero E.Q. Apologizes but keeps cycling through emotional abuse. Seems toxic, narcisistic. He is 53 and never married till me. How do I get the strength to stick with my hard decision to get out? Visually handicapped, so cant drive, lost money, years, feel like he is a black hole of need and he seems to lack a core identity. No empathy. Any support resources i used to be confident strong but feel so worn down unsure. Start to feel sick like him. Developed heart disease ( feel my heart has been broken last 3 years ) how does a person get the strength to stand up to the manipulative hot and cold? Found out on hpneymoon he has E.D. From porn addiction. So many bad things. I have survived cancer, losing beloved husband, and near death, but this relationship hardest thing ever. Feel bitter, angry, tired. He does provoke me then blames me and plays victim when i do get upset. When a woman is worn down over time it seems so hard to leave but staying sucks life away. God bless you for your wisdom, this is the best site I have ever seen, and I have a library of books since this man re entered my life. I feel like such a fool.i feel emotionally abused. Like he destroys . He acts like he is the offended one and we argue so much bcs i defend my children and always will protect them from his obliviously damaging behavior. I have read all the pages on your site. Any other links for help to be strong and go it alone again? Thx. I always believed the covenent of marriage was sacred so feel bad leaving but he doesnt feel bad damaging three loving females. Sorry for long choppy email. He acts great in front of others, but dysfunctional to us at home, so i am doubly alone.
You have the strength. You really do. It’s in you. I can hear it in your words. Take the first small step and your strength will be there – as much as you need. Trust me. It sounds as though you have given this relationship everything you can, but you can’t make a relationship work by yourself. Nobody can. The first step is to decide on your plan. Then, take the first small step. I understand you feel bad for leaving because of your belief that marriage is sacred, but you are sacred. You are important and you deserve a life that gives you happiness. You are brave, you are strong and you have the strength you need already in you. Here is an article that might help you. It’s about letting go of someone toxic without feeling guilty https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/. I hope it helps to give you the clarity you need. I wish you all the very best.
Hello, I have read some of your amazing articles and I must say that you’re extremely talented. It was as if I was reading my present experience on a book. It sounds unmanly to admit that I have been abused by a woman but yea, that s exactly what I have been going through for the past 6 months. I have known her for over 10 years, we grew up together and became best friends before we started dating. Then suddenly she transformed at the beginning of this year. Yeah all the bad toxic stuffs you can imagine, she has shown me all. I mean, all… even physical abuse at a point. It’s also thrilling that each time I decided to break up with her she becomes sweet, confesses her mistakes and promises to stop playing games. But in less than a week or two she gets back to the same round of attitudes. I have always wanted to marry her some day and she is aware of that. But now I am afraid of a future with her. For me I have resolved to take a hard line and present my needs/desires before her/us. If she doesn’t accept them (at least some of them) and change for good then I am moving on. I have been battered enough and I know I deserve better.
I d like to thank you again for your great work. Trust me you are touching lives in many positive ways. Many thanks.
Charley, thank you for your kind words – it means a lot. You are doing the right thing in relation to your partner. It’s so important to say what you need in your relationship, otherwise you just won’t be heard. It will never be met. I love your clarity and strength – use it to keep pushing you forward.
One question. Age?? Does she have severe PMS? Is she pre-menopausal? In my intimate discussions with women, I’ve come to feel these times can change a woman’s personality dramatically. Sit down with her and ask her in an intimate way. If she’s able to reflect on her behavior and review some specific instances, perhaps she’ll come to realize she needs some help and/or education as to what foods she needs to avoid, supplements to take and when, and perhaps a visit with her GYN??? But it would be supportive if you offered to go with her. It’s amazing how we all say we try or have tried. But it seems we try in ways that relate to our own needs rather than standing back and really observing and concentrating on what makes our mates tick. As someone who works with children and consults/counsels with parents, I always ask “What was going on just before the melt down?”
after 7 years with my boyfriend and him having many social media/ texting attempts to cheat on me… i have become the bad guy- verbal abuse, withholding love, and a harsh critic. I noticed myself in this character and i accept the truth but i know this is who i have turned into after being hurt by him so many times. AT this point i think im in this relationship out of habit, financial pity for him and general pity for him also i am afraid of enetering the dating scene now and not finding a good catch ………. unmarried millenial
Hi I been trough abusive relationship my husband never loved me I was lonely for intired marriage I finely move on but I am still struggling emotionally and mentally I have 2 kids for him I have panic attack I totally changed I use to be happy person I am not happy any more I can,t even function normal I work and I raise my kids alone I am afraid my whole world clopsed I don,t know what to do I feel like I am nothing i cry everyday I miss him or not I am not sure I feel confused
Sam I understand things feel dark right now, but this is where your healing begins. You have done the hardest part – you have moved on from an abusive relationship. You have so much strength and courage and that’s what will see you through this. It’s completely understand that you would miss him. You had a life with him, and even if it was a hard, painful, lonely life, it was familiar. This is what you are probably missing now – the familiarity. The end of a relationship is like withdrawing from an addiction. Here is an article that will explain more about that to give you some context around what you are going through https://www.heysigmund.com/your-body-during-a-breakup/. What are feeling makes a lot of sense. You’re grieving for your relationship, but that doesn’t mean that leaving was the wrong thing to do. It means your life is changing and that can be tough. You can do this. You really can. Be patient and know that this is part of the process when you let go of a relationship – even a bad one. You are adjusting to a new life – a better life – and that’s hard, but it will get better. Love to you.
Took me any number of times to really mean it, but I left. 3 yrs. now. Over him but my life is just struggle. I don’t have children though., so I don’t have the additional hardship of having to support them and still keep a stiff upper lip. If you have family or extended family, cleave to them, Although you’ll have to contribute your time and energy, you just might be able to eek out some time for yourself so you can get back to being a woman and a mom. Not just a single mom. Hope this helps.
Just leave your wife. She’s immature and selfish.
Marriages require maturity and respect. Once that goes, everything goes.
Been there done that.
For 24 years I have sacrificed for my ex. giving up practically all opportuinities and to support her and this family, till i was left with nothing but emptiniess and broke financially. Literally gave all into this relationship.
I have a son aged 13.
I finally mustered the courage to leave her at the age of 47, penniless and got a simple job, save money and grew a million dollar business in 2 years. I am now with a wonderful woman who truly loves me. My relationship with my son is fantastic. The grass is greener on the otherside.
Go with god. Have faith.
Very helpful.
Hi – I left my wife back in November. It wasn’t her idea. It was totally mine. I found my own place and moved out. We have been married for over 30 years. We have three children. Two are in college and one is out. She is basically a good person but she has some issues. She tends to not be a happy person and she has had some problems with her relationships with our children most especially our oldest child. This always made it difficult for me as I love all my children. I love my whole family and I don’t want to live in a house divided. I tried to support her with respect to the children but over time I lost the energy to defend her with some of her behavior. When I left, I cut off almost all contact with her. I felt I needed to make a clean break. I know that she didn’t want me to go and I almost wished she would have said don’t go. She didn’t. As I said, she is not a good communicator and I think she may have let her pride stand in the way of telling me not to go. If that had happened, I think I would of seen an opening for the discussion of our issues. I’m sure we both have issues. I know I’m not perfect. After some months of our separation, she became very angry at me and very hostile. This actually shocked me and believe it or not it a awoke something in me. I began to realize that I do truly love her and that she is, even with her faults, the love of my life. I miss her desperately right now. I miss her every day and I don’t know how to fix this. I screwed up. I should have stayed and fought harder to save my our marriage. I know she still loves me because a friend of ours told me she does. But, now she is afraid and is having a hard time reconnecting with me. I don’t know what to do. I know I have to give it time. But, I am in such pain that it makes each day so hard to face. I truly know what its like to be in purgatory. Frankly, I have been doing a lot of research online about relationships and I came across your post. I know she has been getting counseling and I have to tell you that after reading your post I’m frightened. Your post speaks so much from the women’s perspective. It makes it sound as if your post encourages moving on more than working it out. I’m afraid that if she is getting that type of advice then my chances of reconciling are pretty slim. I desperately want to find a way to reconnect with her and to really show that I am sincere. After the past few months, I can promise you that I would never leave her until they shovel dirt over me. What can you advise a guy who just wants to get back in there and make this an even better relationship? Any help you can give me would be appreciated.
JH tell her! Tell your wife how you feel. We all make mistakes, but what’s important is how we deal with those mistakes. If you love her, let her know. Don’t hold back. Remember though, the relationship didn’t fall apart because you left – there were obviously problems there that at some point, however briefly, caused you to feel as though leaving was the best option. It will be important to work discuss this with your wife if you reconcile. Be sure about the reasons you want the relationship back, and be clear about the what you can both do to make things better the second time around.
Ok. Let’s try this. I say this because it’s been my experience that relationship/marriage counseling rarely results in couples reuniting and/or a better relationship. Been there. How about, after telling her you made a mistake, you realize you have always loved her but took everything for granted as you were together for so long, THEN offer to go to the counselor with her, OR tell her you’d like a session with her counselor so you can relay to the counselor how you feel – then if she’s willing, go together. But only for a short time. Don’t go for an extended time as occasionally one can “make mountains out of mole hills”. Hey, how many times have we gotten angry with ourselves for the most trivial reasons???
FYI – My life has yet to improve since my last entry. I’m trying but being productive on a daily basis is a battle.
Well good luck you’re definitely going to need it !!!! I immediately noticed the finger pointing towards your wife, she’s not happy…. Do you make her happy? She’s hostile and not a good communicator!!! Wasnt it you who walked out on her THATS good communication i it? Perhaps it’s you that this problem projects from. Cognitive dissonance ask my negative ex what that means. If I said the sun was yellow his response would be yeah….but I’m sure it’s going to rain and be gray soon. Ugh!!! It’s so hard and exhausting trying to more so HAVING to prove your worth to someone who just isn’t happy to see you happy PERIOD. I would suggest apologies for the email here you posted about calling her out, lighten up on her, be way more sincere and honest with your feelings before things get more and more distance between issues and awkwardness makes it too late, NEVER disrespect your partner by saying it is only one sided faults, wake up and tell her and the world what IS WONDERFUL about her and even you two as a team. If not move on. It’s never a competition remember it’s the person you once RESPECTED SO MUCH that you married her. Do you remember the feeling and thoughts when you saw her smile and beauty? Do you still see it sir? Counseling is always a great start. I’m not a rocket scientist but I know what I said to be right because I’m living the last year+ hoping that I will be more appreciated and won’t have to throw a marriage away over my husband’s negative reactions to my sentences, my feelings honestly told not believed, a seemingly constast battle for my right to be happy even too happy for some. Adored again would make him a king on my thrown and treated as such just as I ask it’s simple isn’t it? …..why not? I don’t understand this part. 🙁
Jacqueline
What???
Double what?
you need to just say everything you wrote directly to her.
I wish I could say it was helpful. I truly do. I spent close to 15 years with someone who drank and physically &/or emotionally abused me ( after 2 yrs. of great).
I felt so ashamed of not ending it at first. I lost my friends. I rationalized the relationship because he did some beautiful renovations on my old house. Then when the drinking got so bad and nothing was getting done, I asked him to leave. He said “No”. This went on for an unimaginable time. I had to call the police one night because he stood at the foot of the sofa with an ax in his hand.
He hid from them. But they caught him.
Today I have to tell you I am no better off. Since then, I’ve come down with Lyme Disease, spinal stenosis and they are foreclosing on my home. He is in jail with minimal security for his 3rd DUI. He’ll be getting out soon. I’ve had restraining orders. I feel he won’t be back and if he does, I hope he kills me like he’s threatened to do in the past.
I can’t even describe the downfalls of the past 2.5 yrs. I’ve been alone and sincerely trying to better my situation. I’ve hit a wall. I just pray and ask “Why?”.
Jet, first of all – there is absolutely no shame in staying. Toxic people have a way of manipulating things until you are stuck – then they show their true colours. Only when the pain of staying outweighs the pain of leaving – and that can certainly come with it’s own pain – it is possible to leave. It is not for anyone else to judge when this point is. It’s different for everyone. What’s important is that you got there eventually. Keeping fighting. I know it feels really dark right now, but you have to keep fighting. There will be a happier version of you and your life sometime in the future that will be so grateful to you that you did. Love and strength to you.
Yes, I know that people do what they should and have to do when they are ready. I’ve told that to a couple of friends when I was younger when they were criticizing another friend.
But I feel I’ve been fighting the fight for so long, I’m out of steam. I feel as if I’m going crazy and am so mixed up I can’t prioritize
Juliette you sound exhausted. Are you able to step back for a little while? I know this might not be possible, but anything you can do to replenish yourself will be important for you. If there is any way you can take a small break from whatever is you’re going through, it will help to give you clarity.
I thank you for your thoughts and wishes but yes, I am exhausted and keep running into roadblocks just when I seem to be able to organize and prioritize. On 4/13, my home is going on the market. I’ve got to have it ready or I’ll take a big loss. The people I’ve started working for withheld my pay due to the fact that I hadn’t turned in my required credentials. I was unaware of this as I was dealing with so much here – bills, shutdowns, foreclosure etc. as I have recently been dx’d with Lyme and Spinal stenosis with limits my abilities and motivation to get things done. As per medical info, Lyme also affects memory. So now I’m in a rush to sell things, borrow money and continue working for this company on a PT basis. Unless I take this “mandated course” or provide certification that I’ve taken it within the past 5 yrs., by tomorrow, my paycheck will be withheld again. Hard to get contractors to trust you when you promise to pay them a month down the line. I’ve got to move a lot of furniture for the painter so I can clean and seal stone flooring. I have no help. I was so depressed yesterday, I couldn’t work. I went to bed at 7PM and got up at 7AM. I’m scaring myself as I always have been able to step up and rise up and it’s just not coming to me. Sorry to dump all of this online but I can’t tell anyone but my sister and she’s probably so tired of my situation at this point.
JR I can hear how tough things are right now for you. There will be an end to the roadblocks – I know it probably doesn’t feel like it but there will be. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You’re a fighter and you’ll be okay. Keep fighting for you. Wishing you love and strength.
I feel so mentally torn and tortured … everything about this article is true, but I am hanging on to a toxic relationship because of my young children … and financially I will be ruined. You’re website is so empowering. thank you
You’re so welcome Alison. This is a difficult place to be in. I hope you are able to find a corner within this relationship which is just for you and your children, where you can feel the strength in the decision you have made, and where you can be happy.
This is an exceptional article that could well apply to all relationships, whether personal or work related. Loved this. Thank you so much for sharing!
Thanks so much Michelle.
Very Useful.
This has really resonated with me; my thought processes and experiences over the past couple of years. What a powerful and sensitive piece of writing. Thank you.
Thanks Janet. I’m so pleased the article has connected with you.
Been there, done that. Repeatedly. Life was unmanageable. Needed support of others dealing with these issues. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous a life saver for me.
20 years and now this! Last 5 almost intolerable but know the answer of what I need to do. Need to find myself again. Lost me and now job. Done! Stayed home with the boys and now my last is in college this last April. I need the strength to love me and find me again. Pray for me because I do know it will be hard either way I decide to go. If stay I’ll be miserable/ and leaving the security is the hardest thing since I haven’t worked and can’t work due to health reasons! But I am gonna work on me! Mentally I need to just get the old Schellie back and have the confidence that I will make it. I’ve known for 18 years it wasn’t going to work….mean/nice…mean/nice is what I can’t take anymore. To breaking point!…then nice as can be! Have his number and will keep going to therapy and someday have the courage to really do what’s best for me and him!
Thinking of you Schellie. Keep fighting for you. You have all the strength you need inside you to find the happier version of yourself and your life.
Hey.. I am experiencing the same thing and have been for several years. But today is the day I start living again. I’ve decided to let it go! I’ve hurt for too long. I’ve put everyone before me for too long. With God on your side, you too can get through this. Yes, at times it will be hard but keep praying to highest of all highs. I’ll be praying for you.
OMG I stumbled across your blog on google seach last month in a time of going THROUGH a realllllly bad relationship that I once believed felt right, was good and that one day we would be able to overcome our personality differences and make things workout. I knew that I was in a situation where things no longer felt right. I mean two Godly Christian people and I didnt feel like the relationship was headed anywhere but to destruction which it ultimately has over the last few weeks. Its definently a hard and challenging situation when you want to hold on to something because of fear and the unknown, however at the end of the day I had to put MYself first, take a step back and evaluate the situation. God has definently given me the strength, courage, perserverance to not go back as I previously would. Its still not easy but I take it day by day and prayerfully I will get THROUGH it becuase that is definently what I am doing is going through. I CHOOSE to love GOD and myself more than to ALLOW a man to treat me less than what I deserve, I mean after all I am a child of the most High God. Im continuing to remain encouraged by your blog because it has definently helped me even more than the therapist I have been seeing, anywho to anyone reading this post. Please know that your are strong and can overcome this situation and believe there is someone else out there who would love to LOVE you.
Stay strong Chassidy – it will get better. You are strong and resilient and you will find happiness again.
Thank you for that! I needed to hear that, it made me feel so much better about the decision I made which was to leave my bad relationship of 9 years.
Wow… SO much brain and heart food for thought here… Thank you… I needed to read this just now. <3
Helpful. Thanks.
I’ve done all of the above steps and I’m truly happy again nothing is worth ESPECIALLY mental abuse on a daily basis.
Thanks for making this article available as i read it a month or more ago now it really helped. 🙂
I am GLAD this helped.. I too also found it to be helpful. Thank you, Fred
Join our newsletter
We would love you to follow us on Social Media to stay up to date with the latest Hey Sigmund news and upcoming events.
Follow Hey Sigmund on Instagram
karenyoung_heysigmund
So ready to get started with ‘Hey Little Warrior’ in Melbourne. This is my fourth time this year presenting this workshop in Melbourne and we sell out every time.
So what do we do here?! We dive into how to support young children with anxiety. It’s my favourite thing to talk about. I love it. Even more than whether or not I want dessert. We talk about new ways to work with anxiety in littles so they can feel braver and bigger in the presence of it. This workshop is loaded with practical strategies. I love presenting this workshop.
(And yes - always yes to dessert. As if I would ever skip the most important meal of the day. Pffftt.)
@compass_australia
Oct 27
karenyoung_heysigmund
They’re often called sensory preferences, but they’re sensory needs.
In our adult worlds we can move our bodies and ourselves to seek regulation. If we don’t like noise we’re less likely to be DJs for example. If we don’t love heights we’re less likely to be pilots or skydivers. If we feel overwhelmed, we can step outside, go into an office, go to the bathroom, or pop on headphones for a break. If we need to move, we can stand, walk to get a tea. At school, this is so much harder.
When bodies don’t feel safe, there will be anxiety. This will potentially drive fight (anger, tantrums), flight (avoidance, running away, movement), or shutdown (in quiet distress and can’t learn).
These are physiological issues NOT behavioural ones.
Whenever we can, we need to support physiological safety by accommodating sensory needs AND support brave behaviour. What’s tricky is disentangling anxiety driven by unmet sensory needs, from anxiety driven by brave behaviour.
The way through is to support their physiological needs, then move them towards brave behaviour.
Schools want to support this. They want all kids to be happy and the best they can be, but there will be a limit on their capacity to support this - not because they don’t want to, but because of a scarcity of resources.
There will often be many children with different physiological needs. Outside school there is nowhere else that has to accommodate so many individual needs, because as adults we won’t be drawn to environments that don’t feel okay. In contrast, school requires all kids to attend and stay regulated in the one environment.
For now, we don’t have a lot of options. Yes there are schools outside mainstream, and yes there is home school, but these options aren’t available to everyone.
So, until mainstream schools are supported with the resources (staff, spaces, small classes, less demand on curriculum … and the list goes on), what can we do?
- Help school with specific ways to support your child’s physiology while being mindful that teachers are also attending to the needs of 25+ other nervous systems. But be specific.
- Limit the list. Make this a ‘bare minimum needs’ list, not a ‘preferences’ one.♥️
Oct 20
karenyoung_heysigmund
Brave often doesn’t feel like ‘brave’. Most often, it feels like anxiety. If there is something brave, important, new, hard, there will always be anxiety right behind it. It’s the feeling of anxiety that makes it something brave - and brave is different for everyone.♥️
#anxietyawareness #childanxiety #anxietysupport #anxietyinkids #parent #positiveparenting
Oct 18
karenyoung_heysigmund
Recently I chatted with Sharon from the ADHD Families Podcast. I loved this chat. We took a dive into anxiety and ADHD, including anxiety at school and some strategies for schools and parents to support kiddos with anxiety and ADHD. Listen to the full episode
here https://www.thefunctionalfamily.com/podcasts/adhd-families-podcast
thefunctionalfamily
Oct 16
karenyoung_heysigmund
Remember the power of ‘AND’.
As long as they are actually safe:
They can feel anxious AND do brave.
They can feel like they aren’t ready for brave, AND be ready brave.
They can wish to avoid AND they can stay (or not be taken home).
They can be angry, anxious, and push us away AND we can look after them through the feelings without avoiding the brave/ new, hard/ important.
We can wish for their anxiety, anger, sadness to be gone AND we can be with them without needing them to be different.
We can believe them (that they are anxious, scared, angry) AND believe in them (that they are capable).
When we hold their anxiety AND their capacity for brave, in equal measure and with compassion, we can show them that their anxiety doesn’t cancel their brave.♥️
Oct 7
Pin It on Pinterest