We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
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They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
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They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
Thanks for this. I needed to read it during this difficult time. My bf of a year and a half now, was so loving and compassionate in the beginning but now he has been yelling at me all the time and when we fight he relentlessly blames me when twists everything. I feel I’m constantly explaining myself to not only defend myself from the accusations he makes, but he doesn’t listen to my perspective I’m trying to make him understand. Instead he goes on playing g victim and cannot apologize nor admit fault. He can do and say as he pleases, but I have to bend over backwards to please him or fear he will flip on me and ignore me for days, threaten to leave me, or send strings of blaming texts when all I try to do is diffuse his anger with love . For example, I came home crying from my boss humiliating me and work and I was emotionally damaged. Instead of comforting me, he accused me of being over emotional and I’m letting my work problems bleed into my relationship and how I’m taking out my emotions from work out on him! Just because I cried and told him what happened! He began yelling at me so I hung up the phone, only to have him send nasty blaming texts when he knows I had such a bad day and emotionally devastated! I decided to ignore his texts and when he tried calling later I refused to pick up because last thing I needed was him to make me feel worse again. I tried to call back this morning to talk it out and he messaged me more nasty texts accusing me of ignoring him all the time and it’s all about you, I’m always one sided. He then played games stating he will not call me now to talk because I ignored him last night. I feel he’s constantly punishing me and gaslighting and I’m running around in circles trying to please him. I know he’s toxic but I love him and I feel like I can’t move on if I lose him. I don’t know how to heal as I see this coming because I can’t live like this.
Wow! Truly Amazing.Who would have thought I’d be reading excacly what’s happened to me and it still going on, with my Sister..But I swear she’s worse than this..She’s the Black Widow too me..And I’m terrified of her. She can get someone too Seriously believe her lies.
My husbands Mother died last year, On January this year my Husband told me he hated me because I did not like his mother. We have been married 37years and his mum give a bad time of it when my children were young, she would say ” I can see through your cloths “,or give me dirty looks he never stud by me. So when she died he seem to turn odd to wards me. He would say a woman in his work was nicer than I would ever be and then started to talk to some woman when he walked the dogs. The other night he was all dressed up and was sitting watching the clock. Well when it was 9 oclock he said “O I have to pop out”, and got up and took the dogs and left he was gone along time. He says he is not seeing anyone but y is he acting like he this. One day a month ago I went with him and this woman started talking and smiling he just stud there and not said anything to her and then she walked away. He is putting us all through hell my two sons are upset and one of my sons has stop talking to me saying it is all my doing I do not know what to do about all this I told him I was putting in for a divorce and he was all right about that is that what he wants.
I have a toxic friend. He says one thing, but then… oh no… then… he does another. He is very very toxic. I have no clue how to deal with him! He is funny sometimes but he is also very very very super toxic
I have a brother who has now managed to turn my entire family against me. He’s bipolar I think. He lives with our mom, handles her money too. She’s now bedridden and when she first became that way, he set up a nanny cam. He decided to take a trip he had planned, so hubby and I We watched mom 12 hours one day. Got there at 7 from 23 miles away; other family 2 miles away. No one told us family a few miles away had the feed, we thought it was fake, but also thought only he had it. So they were eavesdropping on private conversations, I said a few things…just thought to my hubby. Almost 5 months went by before I knew. They told people what I said! There is a lot of lying going on, even another in law from something they didn’t like on Facebook! I chose not to bother with them. They are all toxic. Hubby and I could use help (he’s got PD and in our 60s) but we never get a call to see how we are.
Ah, family the gift that keeps on giving. Until you get sick of them. My older sister did this to me about four years ago and I found out slowly and surely that my siblings went along with her. It made me have to do a re-evaluation of how my childhood really was and what a black sheep I always was and denied. I bet there’s something you do better than your siblings and their jealous is fuck. Same here. It took me years of recovery to come to this point 47 to admit this to myself because I ALMOST thought I was worthless of us after going through it
if that’s all it took for them to turn on you, then good riddance to bad garbage!
I I experienced something somewhat similar. When it’s family involved caring for a sick parent, it’s always money involved, in other words, sounds like he wants you cut out of the will, and is trying to get all of her money for himself. That’s why he set up the cam to spy on you and use whatever you said against you to turn your whole family against you. You’ve been set up. My sister took care of my elderly father for a few months before he passed away since I lived in another state. By the time I moved to his state to take care of him. She has stolen over $1 million from my father and he put his paid for house on the market! You need to get an attorney and challenge him on this before it’s too late. At now are you will wish you had later. I hope this helps.
I have read the article today after having another argument at home. The situation is that I live with this person( I prefer not to give details) and we know each other for the last 12 years .
This person is not the best at taking decisions , but usually the situations become somehow that I have to choose from what this person ( I ‘ll call “X”) hasn’t decided about. Usually is either that X does things because it’s the “good” thing to do , and for our benefit, or sometimes X feels that is better not to take part on this things. I can meet my friends but X doesn’t come . Similar with my family.
Days ago, while having a friend for dinner , X commented on my father “funny “ lack of knowledge about how to store wine. Because back 11 years ago , he shared the wine with X. I got annoyed about this. But I just tried to explain the situation to our guest. She is a good friend and she got us a good wine. That same weekend X mentioned somethings about playing a game about names of fruits ( my hearing and English isn’t perfect but is good) and I miss understood wha was the game about. X made a comment that made me feel like I didn’t have a clue of what I was talking.
I feel constantly Like X decides when I am the one starting an argument and this is because of my lack of sense of humor.
Today X said we were going to do plan together, but X didn’t did what X said was going to do. I then asked why ? If we were about to go out? X said that I was the one not understanding the situation . X didn’t make me wait . X needs extra time using the bathroom but not while I wash the dishes. Later we went out , I didn’t feel like just talking about whatever just to feel the silence like X does. X asked if I was in a mood. And instead I tried to clarify the situation that ended up in lack of proper communication and understanding, X said that I just keep going on and on , Usually X doesn’t listen, and says that type of thing . Accusing me of spoiling the day. Most of the time this is what happens.
I feel like I really don’t have a chance to make my words out to express my thoughts or feelings without X saying that this is an argument that I just like to carry on and on .
We tried counseling, but again it’s only me taking it. According to X is more useful for me that for X.. I wish I can just live without developing feelings about this . But is very difficult not to.
Thanks and Sorry for the long post.
I can feel your pain brother…80% of what you described plus some extra happens between me and my gf of 5years old relationship ……Only solution i see is to move on from such person because you cant make them understand nor change them bet i tried both!
I am right there with youShe recently dumped me for who knows what flipped out starts cussing at me and hangs up on me and blocked me so I didn’t even have a chance to say anything but she is just the dude I don’t even know I don’t even know crazy toxic sorry for venting she is definitely the 12 definitions of toxic and she doesn’t think so but of course not they don’t but she is just all you don’t even know but I love her and that’s the problem so don’t think you’re the only one big love
I met a person who would not let me train for anything, he wouldn’t let me go to work, he used to emotionally abuse me, he has sed to guilt trip me into staying with him, he used to argue with me at 1 in the morning after being out all day me being locked in the flat doing all the housework looking for something else to do he got me that way were I would just fall to my knees begging for forgiveness even though I hadn’t done anything wrong he used to accuse me of having affairs behind his back even though he locked me away in the flat and hide the spare keys away from me he had me thinking I was seeing things he was basically playing mind games on me he used to physically attack me he used to have me lying to his drug dealer then he had my name took off the tenancy agreement then when all the money had gone he used to throw me out then nearer my payday he used to beg me to go back then it would be ok for a few days then it would happen time after time until I left him once and for all.
My husband as many medical issues. I went for my annual exam and I’m having a colonoscopy done. He told me this the just the beginning. I have a good cardio dr spine/neck surgeon and great pcp who you to go to. Im healthy and have no real big medical issues. A little over weight and thyroid issues. Then goes on to tell me pretty soon you weigh 300 lbs and won’t be able to move (not even close to 300). Always tell me there is something wrong with my brain and I need to get help and get that fixed. Has a camera in my car with records me and what everything i talk about on my cell or passengers. There is so much. Do not know what to do. He will not leave. Packs is bags a couple times. But does not leave. I use to be happy go lucky person. Now turning into someone I dont and I dont like myself any more.
Sometimes it makes sense to be sympathetic with toxic people whom you know are going through a difficult time, or those who are suffering from an illness. There’s no question about it, some toxic people are genuinely distressed, depressed, or even mentally and physically ill, but you still need to separate their legitimate issues from how they behave toward you. If you let people get away with anything because they are distressed, facing a medical condition, or depressed, even, then you are making it too tempting for them to start unconsciously using their unfortunate circumstance as a means to an end.
I’ve been with my partner 4 years the first year before I moved in with him was perfect then after that he started being nasty when I would Express my side …hes dragged me out of bed told me to get out f off leaves me to do all the housework makes a mess doesnt have no personal hygiene last night In bed I asked him to cuddle me and he wouldnt I’m ready to leave but finding it out to actually do it
uh, first, I think you should break up with him 🙁
i think he is two-faced, maybe only
Hey, do it!!, leave, now it’s not going to be easy but run while you still have some strength in your own control at this point, the fact that your finding it hard to leave is because of the gaslighting he is doing to you, you may also Be on the rollercoaster and this is exactly what it is, this is where your emotions are frayed and your nerves are starting to creep, the toxicity will inevitably cause you trauma bonding and you will never leave due to this and of course the rollercoaster of emotions you will undoubtedly face from him will escalate that and you will be used as nothing more than supply, no sex is a punishment to control, gaslighting!!! Well partly as a way to gain control over you.
In the end you will have your mind blown apart and will definitely suffer painfully emotionally, you will likely get discarded like a bag of trash eventually so I say run while you have the power of thought, the reason you can’t find the strength to do so is because he has you silently hooked, he’s toxic, I been here too, I still kind of am just that I’ve been discarded by one of these bags of trash and now I’m being smashed with a smear campaign, this will happen to you if you allow him to treat you this way, learn about narcisstic personality disorder read on Quora about narcissism and toxic people and understand it, it’s hard to comprehend but it’s real, do it and you will notice that if your partner is a toxic person the events of your relationship will match that of many others, then you will understand what I’ve posted to you on a brief insight to toxicity.
I hope this helps, don’t be like me and tolerate it, because these types of freaks will break you and every other non toxic person who enters their lives.
Good luck, you deserve better, go get it😊
Hi Deb, I’ve been in that place of never being able to leave. In the final time when I found it difficult to leave my last toxic relationship I bought time through the good days because that’s when I had the most energy and wasn’t drawn into a web, or a maze of outlandish confusion that had no end.
Towards the very end when there were days with no issues which was a couple of times a week by that stage, I started to pack my things that he wouldn’t notice. I just made it look like I was decluterring and changing my clothes over for the season. I donated a bunch of things to make smaller what I needed to move and I would then store things in a way that made it look like the cupboard was full.
Then when he was at work I used those days to look at rental properties. I eventually signed a lease and paid it forward to give me about 3 weeks. I slowly moved my things and then we had another big usual argument which always happened… that was it. I never told him what I did, I kept calm and let the relationship end. I already had my pathway to leave set and it made my transition out so much easier. I was so emotionally tired, the pushing and pulling that went on for 6 years.
I did the move alone, without any help and I worked it around him being at work so I could just go. My new place gave me an uplift in my spirits and I found some temporary relief in those first weeks to do little thing to decorate. The creativity eased my mind.
Imagine, this person is your mum. And she even tried to kill herself to get her point.
HUH? OH MY GOD !
Perfectly describes my sister and my mom. They are both Scorpios with very toxic personalities.
They always have to find a way to make themselves the victims or act like I’m the bad guy.
I seriously hate it. It just makes me so angry anymore rather than sad.
I’m interested in #9. It seems to happen all the time in the incessant confrontations my partner and I have been engaged in over several years and which neither of us seem to be able to find a way of walking away from. I don’t want to make a judgement on whether it is she or I who are being toxic. Just from my perspective, I feel as though whenever I try to bring clarity to what we are disagreeing about, her response is always to move sideways and backwards and anyway that avoids reaching a point of conclusion. I read this as obfuscation. But that feels too simplistic and unsympathetic. The article identifies #9 so clearly, but what I want to know is why? What is really going on. I suppose it is obvious. Just trying to avoid painful truth? It is really frustrating to deal with though because it means you can never get to the bottom of the issue, the goalposts are constantly moving.
Im so sad
I do have some of these tendencies and I don’t know if I’m also toxic. My problem is my family particularly my mom. I just feel so defensive when I’m around her. She told me she wished she just choked me when I was little if she knew back then that I was going to grow up like this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the kid who constantly gets into trouble. I’m a straight A student and I’ve never had any vices or friends who are bad influences. Heck I don’t even go out a lot. I just tend to talk back at her. I don’t know if she knows what she’s doing but she tends to twist stories. She can get really rude and I can sometimes catch her giving me angry looks. It feels like every motherly thing she does for me now is just forced. Done out of obligation and not love. She makes me question myself. If I’m a good person. When we argue, she keeps on going back to my past faults and says that I never help around even if I’ve just finished my chores. She keeps on telling me I’m a hypocrite and comparing me with other kids. Whenever we talk about her past, she keeps on bringing up how she was used by the other relatives and I just listen even though she has repeated that story a hundred times and claims she forgives them. She’s getting worse and I always feel attacked. I can’t be calm when she’s near. Maybe we’re both toxic? I dunno. We’ve had a lot of “heart-to-heart” talks. She’d ask me what my problem was and everything I feel bad about her. She gets angry if I don’t answer and threatens to throw me out. When I tell her what I really feel and stuff she has done that hurts me, she’d get defensive and explains her side without letting me finish and it turns to another argument. I can’t count the nights where I fell asleep crying because of that. She’s slowly turning me numb and cold. She just doesn’t understand that she’s hurting me too. Ugh, I sound pretty dramatic, I just want to let this out.
Hi Anna, your relationship with your mum sounds like mine with my dad. He passed away earlier this year. Just like you with straight A’s, I’ve been successful in other ways, I’ve always been good, paid for my own things, have 3 university degrees, great jobs etc. I also had the talking back relationship with my dad too because I’m opionionated and my dad could at times be intimidating, but that goes back to my upbringing, as the first born, I was a girl… not a boy and girls don’t speak. When that wore off, I grew up with many critisicms such as I’ll be a no hoper and no man would ever want to me with me.
Into my adulthood, I’ve become a high achiever and highly functioning. I’m constant, always looking to be better because I actually have no idea where my best point is. I realised all of these great things I achieved were for acknowledgement and praise from my dad. To the day of my dad’s death earlier this year, he still never said I did anything good.
I don’t know your family situation and I’m only replying based on what you said and some relevance of my life experience, but here is what I’ve learned 7 months since my dad passing – I spent a huge chunk of my adult life not realising that I was trying to get a pat on my head for doing a good job at all the things I achieved, in hindsight, I should have only done those things for my self and not to be acknowledged, I was flogging a deadhorse that was never going to change. I ruined some of my good successes because my dad gave me terrible advice. So all I can say, is if you have a toxic relationship with your mum that has gone on for a long time and you’ve done the talks etc, then stay arms length, it’s a battle you’ll never win and for the very least, you still have your mum but you distance from the toxic side of it. I hope for you it doesn’t go on for her remaining years. I have a truck load of unpacking to do and my dad’s passing has left me unresolved.
My mother is the same. She’s the toxic narcissistic person. No mother who is a sociopath or psychopath would ever say “they should have choked you”. She’s just a nasty piece of work and you’ll be much happier and thrive when you’re away from her and healed. People like this don’t change and will suck you back in only to tear you back down. Do yourself a favour and move one, get healing to fix the emotional scars she left and know that is it not you. She’s projecting her own toxic vileness onto you. It took me 5 years away and 3 years of zero contact to get to a place of understanding this. I wish you all the best and hope you see the emotional abuse she’s inflicted on you for what it is.
This is an excellent article. The sad part as I read many of the comments is that we all know the answer. We have to let these people go but we don’t want to and we have built a trauma bond. Toxic people are just what they are toxic. If you smelled trash and knew it was bad you would throw it out and away. We have to let these people go build up our self esteems and live our lives more fulfilled without these toxic people. I’m working hard I have been in 1 month not speaking to my toxic trauma bond. I am determine this time to live a life for me and no one else. I’m finally throwing out the the toxic trash!!!!!!
I have a question:
Would a friend who only texts me once a week count as toxic?
No really, everyone have things going on in their lives. If you feel the need to reach out, then do.
They don’t have to be the first to.
I was a very sensitive emotional child growing up. There were many problems from parents alcoholism to bullies. I became so desperate and glad to have anyone in my life that I let people walk all over me. My mind didn’t even hear the things they would say or how they would say them. I tuned it all out. A few years ago I hit rock bottom, marriage scam cost me 20 grand, death in the family, no job, no money then diagnosed with cancer. I started speaking my mind, then started reading books like Dale Carnegie, and other books about social behaviors, emotional intelligence, gaslighting, manipulation.
No, I have 0 people in my life that I hang out with or see regularly. I don’t initiate the phone calls anymore, and no one calls/texts me because I presume that since my personality has changed and I don’t invest in other people endlessly without getting a return, people have no use for me. The problem is that even new people I meet, seem to ghost me from day 1. Almost everyone I meet never responds to a text message, or has time to go out men or women. I used to be depressed and lonely, now I don’t really feel much anymore. I just do what I do, alone.
They say things like “relax” when you merely point out their error.
I WAS relaxed, when I calmly mentioned you just entered a bike path without checking and a cyclist is about to hit your car. But when they said “relax”, now, now I am not relaxed. Now I want you die because you’re part of the quippy internet fad that would rather appear “cool” than actually admit error, and correct yourself. AKA grow and mature as most human beings should.
And f you don’t even know me?! Well now you’re asking for physical confrontation. Hope you’re ready for the ramifications of your actions and attitude in adult life when you try that on the street and you weren’t able to drive away like a scared dog with it’s tail between its legs.
Plus one. The internet clip you’re talking about is something I’ve come to find is someone is putting on a show for someone else half the time.
I got to a point where I called out by asking the former narcissist best friend, who I confided everything to (or used to), “who are you talkin to?” Because it was obvious to me AT THAT VERY POINT that he was putting on a show for his phone camera or something. Boy did that draw anger! ( ‘just because you’re paranoid. Does not mean they’re not after you!”–Nirvana “Territorial Pissings”)
Only discarded the guy after too many territorial flags and I say this as a hetrosexual man. Who, by the way, this former best male friend I found was a flying monkey for my parents even though they live three thousand miles away. If your gut tells you that someone is turning against you, they almost certainly are. Trust your gut!
u met a young guy about 7 years ago i saw him every day we talked i taught him stuff he was 24 i was 67 im gay he knows it i think he is also he’s married with 3 kids but they never stopped them. we got along fine id bring him cakes for his kids, christmas presents etc. im well off he isnt, he moved back to michigan we texted everyday a few years for hours. one night i was texting with him i asked him a personal question he freaked told me to stay the fuck away from him. dont ever contact him etc. i was shocked 7 years then this. i knew he has ptsd and multiple personallties but i never detected anything wrong. im crushed i still care for him, hes blocked me from his phone and texting. strange shit to say the least.Worried
I learned the hard way. Stop putting so much energy into someone who doesn’t value you. Resist persists. By sitting quiet see if she comes back into your space. If you pray, pray for her. Just send her love and light spiritually. You can’t control or fix another person. One day you may find out. Sometimes we just don’t click and some find it hard to tell you to your face. Check with someone else that she is ok. Let go and care for you. So many people will love to have you in their lives.
I don’t know why my cousin is ignoring me and it bothers me a lot. I sent her multiple texts asking what was wrong and I apologized if I offended her in anyway. I called her twice. The second time it rang twice then went to voicemail. We messaged through Facebook not long ago and everything seemed fine. I don’t know what else to do.
This is really good. I have encountered such people many times in my life. They will suck all your energy and happiness, especially judgemental and manipulative people.
My problem is my family they can see your fault but don’t see there so they go and talk about with other family members and there one family member that will come back a tell what everyone in the family said in there way
Very Nice Article…(applies to friendships as well as relationships).
Its very interesting as I look back at some of my relationships or friendships and how they revolved at times and how we, as individuals (with own assumed faults) latch onto others in the hopes that somewhere two wrongs will make a right. In my own case, I had a past relationship that turned sour this way…mirroring a prior one. However, it started off really well, “friends for years thing,” then dipping into a more thorough and intimate interaction. As a result of enough time together, I was able to perceive a very broken underside to the lady in question. To quantify it: it was like trying to fill a cup that would never get full. For whatever reason I have always had a soft spot for such things–err a flaw in myself I suppose. And so, it went on to the point at which I remembered the prior relationship and the toxic, flaming ending to it.
Inevitably, I said something that defined where I was willing to bend…but not break; and somewhere I would never go again.
The response was appropriately final I suppose, and tremendously curt.
Nevertheless, two years later the effect is still there, haunting my memories and emotions.
Toxic people seem to be able to work the system and reveal all our own faults and rely on the sacrifice that we are willing to offer to their egocentism. As stated in the article, it is always someone else’s fault, and they are never there to acknowledge the load…or the burden. They blithely seem to move forward, never truly being affected by what they have done to others…at least not openly…and always looking for then next means of “emotional transport.”
Everyone has , at one time or another, been a “toxic” person. Even some of the folks responding to this article seem to be “toxic” in some way- blaming others for their “problems”, always being the “martyr”, The Bible says to “do unto others as you would have them do unto you…”it also says that “the least shall be first”- that is to say that the “weak ones” will end up ruling oVEr the “strong ones” because the “strong ones” will end up being dependent on the ones who have done most of the work. Our children need to be taught these ancient words of wisdom – They would truly make the world a better place
I have been with a guy who simply denies all knowledge of situations that make him uncomfortable. English isn’t his first language so he can get away with this a lot, but when explained multiple times clearly and to finally have his ‘attention’, he then denies the legitimacy of it. I try to have real conversations but I chase my own tail in the retelling of circumstances as he often has a million diversions bringing up topics from anywhere and the past and then turns it around on me judging my character for the elongated efforts to discuss things in ernest. It’s tiresome and drains my energy. Nothing is worth the effort and so I’m resigned to accepting everything and unable to find resolve or value in communication. Sometimes my frustration and anger for feeling so helpless makes me feel like im losing my mind. He drives me crazy like no one else has and im trapped in my own cul de sac cycle of unproductive, pointless and negative emotion and communication. Is it me or him? I’m so lost now.
OMG MY ex (who is still harassing me 2 get back with him after 5 months) could have written this!! Where was this when I needed it 4 yrs ago…. I’m scared I will never b free of him… Omg I so needed this ..i did not really know about narcissistic people. I really believed I loved him & still do. But could not understand all the mean things he was saying 2 me bc I couldn’t go back bc. I was scared of him..he physically abused me b4. But I thought I knew the “real” him. The “sweet” him…whicb was wonderful ..so I went back so many times (almost completely losing my family n the process. He did use me as a trophy..i never cheated but got accused constantly. We were 2gether 24/7. I didn’t mind GPS on my phone.. Doors off the bathroom…bit it got crazier & deeper than that& I find I’m still answering his texts ..how “u hurt me so bad texts.” I’m left feeling so down & confused from this relationship & had to seek mental help. Thank u so much 4 ur post . it helps me 2 understand narcissism a little better & realize that I’m NOT a failure & 2 good 2 b going back & forth with this douchebag only 2 slip in2 another bout of depression????
I have been with my wife for 16 years. I am 35, now. We have three children together. We are finally, after all this time, in a financial position where we can relax and, just, be.
My wife is the epitome of this article. In the past, I made excuses for her and blamed myself. I hung onto the good times for the most part and did what, I thought, was right for the kids. It seems to have taken a lifetime and it likely took longer because of the, near, constant fighting.
I had the same argument yesterday that I had 16 years ago. This article is really hitting home for me. If I would’ve had this guidance back then, maybe, I could’ve done better, changed it.
Now, I have it all but nothing at all, when it comes to my wife.
Very well written and informative and spot-on article. I especially can relate to points #1 & #2 as those traits almost perfectly align with my most recent relationship experience
My gf pulled a #1 on me just last weekend for reasons unclear. We were at a party and she gave me the ultimate cold shoulder, acted like I was a chore to be around. I had done nothing to her. I tried to inquire what was wrong and she only responded with irritable one word answers. Naturally I lost it and we ended up in a shouting match. My reaction was over the top I agree, but there was no reason for the brush off. The night before we hung out and things were fine. But this just demonstrates the past 14 months, I never knew what gf was going to show up. Had I waited till the next day to address this, she would’ve simply deflected it and no resolve in the picture. Countless other examples in the story.
She also has mastered the #2 manipulative strategy very well also. Twisting stories and fights in her favor. So her toxicity centers around extreme moodiness, pushing away, a little gaslighting, and open ended communications only when it suits her favor.
This is a woman with 3 failed marriages under her belt, and when I first met her she was co-habitating with Ex #2 who committed suicide 6 weeks into our relationship. A situation I potentially remained in for way too long. Ignored way too many red flags. I think the fact that I stuck around after all this caused her to lose a lot of disrespect for me. Thus leading to some of her toxic actions.
What do you think?
My husband has been sad for me since he went to USA, if he said everything that is it, u can’t give a opinion or suggestion.. Now we have two weeks without communicating..
how do i figure out if im the one that is toxic i have some of the tendency but not all, if i am i dont want to be this way, i to grew up in a very toxic environment. I love my partner with all my heart but he is all about himself and not us, where im about us, him and myself, i just want it to be like it was where we communicate and he put me 1st, and i did the same, i dont want to give up on him before ive tried everything i possible can try