It’s one thing to be dipped in venom by those you don’t really care about, but when it’s by the person who is meant to love you, hold you, and take the sharp edges off the world, while teaching you with love, wisdom and warmth how to do it for yourself, it changes you. There is a different kind of hurt that can only come from a toxic parent – someone who is meant to love you. Kind of like being broken from the inside out.
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The scarring and hurt that comes from a toxic parent probably isn’t something we talk about enough. None of us are perfect, including our parents, but there is a point at which imperfect becomes destructive, taking away from children the love, warmth and nurturing they deserve and replacing it with something awful.
When children are raised on a diet of criticism, judgement, abuse and loathing, it’s only a matter of time before they take over from those parents, delivering with full force to themselves the toxic lashings that have been delivered to them.
Toxic parents come in many shapes. Some are so obvious that they can be spotted from space through the eye of a needle. Some are a bit more subtle. All are destructive.
A toxic parent has a long list of weapons, but all come under the banner of neglect or emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Toxic parents lie, manipulate, ignore, judge, abuse, shame, humiliate and criticise. Nothing is ever good enough. You get an A, they’ll want an A+. You get an A+, they’ll wonder why you aren’t school captain. You make school captain, your sister would have been a better one. And you’ll never be pretty like her. They’ll push you down just to criticise you for the way you fall. That, or they’ll shove you off a cliff to show the world how well they catch you. They oversee childhoods with no warmth, security or connection.
Any negative behaviour that causes emotional damage or contaminates the way a person sees himself or herself, is toxic. A toxic parent treat his or her children in such a way as to make those children doubt their importance, their worth, and that they are deserving of love, approval and validation. If you’re reading this and thinking, ‘Well yeah, my parent/s did that, but only because it was true – I’m pretty useless at life,’ then chances are that parent was a toxic one. The truth is that you, like every other small person on the planet, deserved love, warmth, and to know how important you were. You’re not useless at life – you’ve bought in to the messages that were delivered by a parent too broken to realise what they were doing. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
It is possible to heal from by toxic parenting. It begins with the decision that the legacy of shame and hurt left behind by a toxic parent won’t be the way your story will end.
How to heal from a toxic parent.
Here are some ways to move forward.
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It’s okay to let go of a toxic parent.
This is such a difficult decision, but it could be one of the most important. We humans are wired to connect, even with people who don’t deserve to be connected to us. Sometimes though, the only way to stop the disease spreading is to amputate. It doesn’t matter how much you love some people, they are broken to the point that they will only keep damaging you from the inside out. You’re not responsible for them or for the state of your relationships with them, and you are under no obligation to keep lining yourself up be abused, belittled, shamed or humiliated. Healing starts with expecting more for yourself, and you’re the only person who can make that decision.
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And it’s okay not to.
Don’t be harsh on yourself if you stay in the relationship. The act of returning to an abusive relationship can set trigger self-loathing. ‘Why aren’t I strong enough?’ Know that loyalty is such an admirable trait, even if it gets in the way of your capacity to protect yourself. Own where you are and give yourself full permission to be there. Accept that for now, this is where you’re at, and fully experience what that’s like for you. You’ll never love yourself enough to change your expectations if you’re flogging yourself for not being strong enough. It takes tremendous strength to keep walking into a relationship that you know is going to hurt you. When you’re ready, you’ll make the move to do something differently. For now though, wherever you are is okay.
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Be honest about the possibilities.
If you’re going to stay, know that it’s okay to put a boundary between yourself and your parent. You can act from love and kindness if you want to – but don’t stay in the relationship unless you can accept that the love you deserve will never come back to you. Ever. If it was going to, it would have reached you by now. See their behaviour for what it is – evidence of their breaks, not evidence of yours. Put a forcefield around yourself and let their abuse bounce off. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to fill the well that they bleed dry. They might not be capable of giving you the love and respect you deserve, but you are.
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Be careful of repeating the patterns with other people
You might find yourself drawn to people who have similarities to your toxic parent. There’s a really good reason for this. All of us are driven to find an ending to things that remain unresolved. Because love, warmth and nurturing are such an important part of child development, yet so elusive for the child of a toxic parent, it’s very normal for those children to be driven to find a resolution to never feeling loved, secure or good enough. They will look to receive what they didn’t get from their parents in others and will often be drawn to people who have similarities to their toxic parent. With similar people, the patterns will be easier to replicate, and the hope of an ending closer to the desired one – parent love – will be easier to fulfil. That’s the theory. The pattern often does repeat, but because of the similarities to the parent, so does the unhappy ending.
The decisions aren’t conscious ones, so to move towards healing, the automatic thoughts and feelings driving the choices need to be brought more into awareness. If this is something that’s familiar for you, it’s possible that you are being drawn to the wrong people because they remind you of your toxic parent, and somewhere inside you where your wanted things stay hidden, is the wish that you’ll get from them what you weren’t able to get from your parent. Look at the people in your life and explore the similarities they have with your own parents. What do they do that’s similar? What do you do that’s similar to the way you are in your relationship with your parents? Which needs are being met? What keeps you there? The more awareness you have, the more you can make deliberate decisions that aren’t driven by historical wants.
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Own your right to love and respect.
One of the greatest acts of self-love is owning your right to love and respect from the people you allow close to you. You’re completely entitled to set the conditions for your relationships, as other people are to set the conditions for theirs. We all have to treat those we love with kindness, generosity and respect if we want the same back. If those conditions aren’t met, you’re allowed to close the door. You’re allowed to slam it closed behind them if you want to.
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Be careful of your own toxic behaviour.
You’ve been there, so you know the behaviours and you know what they do. We’re all human. We’re all going to get it wrong sometimes. Toxic behaviour though, is habitual and it will damage the members of your own little tribe as surely as it damaged you. You don’t have to be a product of the inept, cruel parenting that was shown to you, and this starts with the brave decision that the cycle stops at you. People who do this, who refuse to continue a toxic legacy, are courageous, heroic and they change the world. We’re here to build amazing humans, not to tear them down. How many lives could have been different if your parent was the one who decided that enough was enough.
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You’re allowed to make mistakes and you’re allowed to do it on your own.
You may have been lead to believe that you’re not enough – not smart enough, beautiful enough, funny enough, strong enough capable enough. The truth is that you are so enough. It’s crazy how enough you are. Open yourself up to the possibility of this and see what happens. You don’t need to depend on anyone and making mistakes doesn’t make you a loser. It never has. That’s something you’ve been lead to believe by a parent who never supported you or never gave you permission to make mistakes sometimes. Make them now. Make plenty. Heaps. Give yourself full permission to try and miss. There will be hits and there will be misses. You don’t even know what you’re capable of because you’ve never been encouraged to find out. You’re stronger than you think you are, braver, better and smarter than you think you are, and now is your time to prove it to yourself.
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Write a list. (And get yourself a rubber band.)
Write down the beliefs that hold you back. The ones that get in your way and stop you from doing what you want to do, saying what you want to say or being who you want to be. Were you brought up to believe your opinion doesn’t count? That parents are always right? That you’re unloveable? Unimportant? Stupid? Annoying? Incapable? Worthless?
Now beside each belief, write what that belief is costing you. Has it cost you relationships? Happiness? Freedom to be? To experiment? To explore? Then, rewrite the script. Thoughts drive feelings, behaviour, what you expect for yourself and what you expect from relationships and world. How are you going to change those beliefs? Just choose one or two to start with and every time you catch yourself thinking the old thoughts, actively replace it with a new, more self-nurturing thought – then act as though that new thought is true. You don’t have to believe it – just pretend it is. Your head will catch up when it’s ready.
If it’s difficult to break out of the old thought, try this: wear a rubber band (or a hair band) around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself thinking the old thought, give the band a little flick. This will start to train your mind to let go of the old thoughts that have no place in your life anymore. You just need a little flick – you don’t need to hurt yourself – your old thoughts have been doing that for long enough already. There is no right or wrong on this. All the answers, strength and courage you need to do what’s right for you is in you. You just need to give yourself the opportunity and the reason to hear it.
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Find your ‘shoulds’ that shouldn’t be.
‘Shoulds’ are the messages we take in whole (introject) from childhood, school, relationships, society. They guide behaviour automatically and this can be a good thing (‘I should be around people who respect me’) or a not so good thing (‘I should always be ‘nice”). Take a close look at your ‘shoulds’ and see if they’ve been swallowed with a spoonful of poison. Our ‘should’s’ come from many years of cultivating and careful pruning, so that when that should is fully formed, it direct you so automatically that you don’t even need to think.
It’s likely that the should that’s keeping you stuck has come from the person who wanted to keep you that way. Were you brought up feeling indebted to your parents? Like you owe them? Like you’ll never cope if you separate properly from them? Were the messages delivered to keep you small? Quiet? Hidden? Believing the messages may have worked when you were younger, steering you way from their foul mood or toxic consequences, but it doesn’t have to be that way now. Don’t pick up from where they left off. You’re older now, with different circumstances, and in a different environment. Bring your ‘shoulds’ out in the open so your actions can be more deliberate. If your ‘shoulds’ are working for you, love them up and keep them, otherwise let them go.
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Nobody is all good or all bad. But don’t be guilted by that.
One of the things that makes ending any relationship so difficult is that there will be traces of exactly what you want. Even toxic parents can sometimes be loving, warm or nurturing, though it’s mostly, if not always, done to further their own agenda. In the same way that being ‘a little bit bad’ probably isn’t enough to sever an important relationship, being ‘a little bit good’ isn’t enough reason to keep one. Zoom out and look at the big picture. If you feel miserable in the relationship more than you feel good, question your reasons for staying. If it’s because your toxic parent is old, frail, sad or lonely, that might be all the reason you need to stay, and that’s okay. If it is, own the decision in strength and put limits on contact or how much you will give to the relationship. You’re entitled to take or give as much to the relationship as you decide. Just whatever you do, do it deliberately, in strength and clarity, not because you’re being manipulated or disempowered. The shift in mindset seems small, but it’s so important.
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Build yourself up.
Toxic environments are toxic to the brain – we know that with absolute certainty. The human brain is incredibly adaptive, and in response to a toxic environment it will shut down so as to protect itself as much as it can from the toxicity. When this happens, as it does during prolonged periods of emotional stress, the rate at which the brain produces new neurons (neurogenesis) slows right down, ultimately making people vulnerable to anxiety, depression, cognitive impairment, memory loss, reduced immunity, loss of vitality, reduced resilience to stress, and illness (research has shown that migraine and other pain conditions are more prevalent in people who were brought up in abusive environments, though the exact reason for the relationship is unclear).
We also know, with absolute certainty, that the damage can be turned around. Diet (omega 3, green tea extract, blueberry extract, reduced intake processed sugar and unhealthy carbohydrates), exercise (anything that increases heart rate), and meditation (such as a regular mindfulness practice) will all help to rebuild the brain and heal the damage done by a toxic environment. Increasing neurogenesis will help to build resilience, cognitive function, vitality and protect against stress, anxiety and depression.
Healing from a toxic parent starts with deciding that the lifetime of messages that have left you hollow or scarred are wrong. Because they are. It means opening a heart that’s probably been closed for way too long, and receiving the love, approval and validation that has always been yours to own. Sometimes, it means realising that parents break too, sometimes irreparably, sometimes to the point of never being able to show love to the people in their life who deserve it the most. Sometimes it means making the brave decision, in strength and with the greatest self-love and self-respect, to let go of the relationship that’s been hurting you.
Breaking free of a toxic parent is hard, but hard has never meant impossible. With the deliberate decision to move forward, there are endless turns your story can take. Brave, extraordinary, unexpected turns that will lead you to a happier, fuller life. It’s what you’ve always deserved. Be open to the possibilities of you. There are plenty.
I suffered as the ‘close’ child in the relationship with my toxic mother- always going behind her and cleaning up her social messes and smoothing ‘misunderstandings’ out. No one knew how much of a toll it took on me, and I accepted it all because I knew her past and I knew she was, un-diagnosed, but mentally unwell.
We had a wave of death in the family starting with my twins suicide. She lost her second husband and the man I considered to be the closest thing I had to a dad 7 months later (there was a lot more, but these two followed 2 years after she lost her mother and these losses changed her). The plethora of insanity that followed each loss and the vultures in the family took center stage, and her drama and feelings were the only thing that mattered.
On a stormy night, when my kids and I were visiting from out of town, everything came to a head when she had a psychotic break with her loaded gun in her hand.
It was the longest night of my life.
I left when I knew she was with people she could trust, (she made calls to have ‘her’ family throw me out), only to have to be the one to turn around (we were already out of state) and sign her into a hospital a few hours later when everyone realized she wasn’t actually okay and convinced her to go.
They told her later that I signed her in to get rid of her because my mother does not remember what happened.
The drama continues- but that event was what started my grieving process. That night I knew that I could no longer afford to put myself or my family in harms way. I learned who wasn’t my support system and family isn’t always blood. That night was what I needed to know that I could never fix her- I will die if I continued to try. It has hurt me every day. There have also been times that I have been haunted or had to overcome ‘tapes’ running in my head about my value as a person- and I get angry at her for planting those seeds.
My older brother keeps in contact with her and he is going through a tough time now as the last child she has a relationship with. It breaks my heart to hear him hurting- and it breaks my heart over our loss of a relationship all over again. She even continues to make choices she knows will hurt me- this is her lashing out.
This isn’t something that will ever feel easy. I want you to know these things- but I also want you to know that it is 100% worth it to walk away. People will give you a stigma about what kind of a person they think you are because of it- but YOU know what walking into that lions den is like- they don’t. People will always get away with what they are allowed to, and if you have an established cycle of abuse going- it will always be considered okay if you continue going back for more.
You want different? DO different. If you walk away and learn how to set healthy and safe boundaries, try again if you want. If you decided that this is really enough and you just need to heal, go for it- I’m almost 4 years out and I promise you, life is better without that emotional terrorism.
Stand in your own strength and decide what’s best for you. Tell yourself you deserve better than what they are offering. They will either value a relationship with you enough to make the changes you need to be healthy, or they wont- but don’t kill yourself emotionally trying or holding your breath- it’s already proven, they can’t set the pace in a way that benefits you.
You’re strong enough and valuable enough to get through this and your not alone. – All the Best
Hi! I have toxic parents. I used to say toxic parent but now I realize my enabling father is as bad as my narcissistic borderline mother. I have done alot to heal including read and post to this amazing article. I am now starting to realize that my restrictive diet including my food allergies is due to stressful mealtimes with my mother. I am going to try intuitive eating. Does anyone else have food allergies that they have connected to stressful childhood mealtimes?
Robin: there is an excellent book called “The Body Keeps the Score” about trauma and its treatment, and the author mentions the link between trauma and auto-immune and immunity, which might be related to food allergies or other symptoms.
AM, know that you are loved by every single victim of toxic parents. We all know what you have been going through and empathize strongly with you. Nobody who hasn’t had toxic parents can be of much help, because they don’t understand your feelings.
You probably ‘know’ my story – but I got out of it (only to be dragged back into it by my stepdad, but dealing with it):
Until 30-yrs old I was an excellent listener, because of not being able to express myself. I had been told that I’m stupid, this was repeated through my upbringing and even after that. If someone asked me to even repeat what they said, I went into pieces and could only think “I’m stupid”. Never mind that I did extremely well in school, my sisters always repeated like parrots ‘you are so stupid’ and laughed.
By then I had decided to cut mom out of my life.
– in my mind I started calling her by her first name, since ‘mom’ was emotionally loaded like a cannon.
– when she called, I never told about my stuff, only commented ‘oh’ and ‘ah’ to her stuff. (she used to end the phone call when I talked about my stuff, so I was NOT going to give her that chance anymore).
– I was aware that she will never give me what I need, so I didn’t even expect anything positive from her. It did wonders, deciding that you will never hear the words you need from her and being completely okay with it. No expectations, absolutely none.
1. Calling her by her first name.
2. Never telling her about own stuff.
3. Knowing that she will never change, but I can change.
4. Forgiving her, without her knowing about it.
A week later she is on my doorstep, crying “what have I done to you” and crocodile tears.
I was calm and said ‘nothing’. She cried and cried but stopped eventually, absolutely certain that I had nothing against her. She had felt that all strings were cut off, without me saying one word to her.
She tried to get personalized information from me for months and months. Every time she called it was my chance to become stronger, until she didn’t affect me at all.
She had her temporary insanity -moments, spilling out the most worst things she could say about me. By then the only affect her words had, was me silently praying “I hope she never remembers what she just said”.
My sisters never had the same problem, because they were the Golden Children. She made all their shortcomings to my shortcomings, and all my successes to their successes.
The inner change was radical. For the first time I actually took part in conversations and expressed myself. Friends told each other that they never knew how wise I was.
But before that all old thought patterns had to be broken down, voices in the head like “you are stupid, you are ugly, you are evil, you don’t do enough etc. etc.”. This was done by becoming aware of them.
Lol, I never even knew how beautiful I was, always pondering why guys want to date me, can’t they find better-looking girls. I had to be their ‘last chance’ before they meet The Girl. In pubs guys told my friends how “your friend is the most beautiful girl here, but she must know it”?? Once a Canadian guy said to me: “You are beautiful, don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re ugly, because that is not true!” My interpretation was: “you are ugly, but don’t let anyone trash you for that”.
Becoming aware of all the filters (thought patterns) helps a lot. It doesn’t matter if the world screams to you how loving, beautiful, wise and good you are, if you have been told the opposite by toxic parents and if you still believe in them. The toxic parents effectively try to destroy your life, so that you are not able to live a normal life.
Whatever mean things your mom says to you, always think the opposite of yourself and refuse to believe her definitiohs. He definitions are all lies and have nothing to do with You!!!!!
AM, how is it with you, can you easily express yourself to other people?
Only now do I understand why getting so tearful every time when there is a loving and healthy family on TV. There is also an ad on TV, giving a lot of ‘good’ tears, it is about orphans and how every child is entitled to grow up in an encouraging and loving atmosphere. …. except for us victms of toxic parents 🙁
An Astrologer once told me, without having any information of my life, that:
“It wasn’t your fault that you were born in your family, but it is only thanks to your own efforts, that you survived. Only thanks to yourself.”
People, keep this in mind. Toxic parents try to drag you down to their level, but if you rise above them, then you are free and only thanks to your own efforts. No thanks to toxic parents, who try to do the opposite.
Dear no narcs anymore, thank you for this inspiring and supportive note. I just saw it, so I apologize for not responding sooner. Thank you for all your solid insight and advice. It is very helpful!
I love this:
“always think the opposite of yourself” — when I tell my Mother things that I am doing, I never get positive feedback. Maybe now I will tell myself things like: that is so cool that you are doing that. Good for you for taking that risk. That sounds really smart! I am so proud of you!
LOL. You sound very strong and it’s so great that you have left the negativity behind you. For some reason it is harder for me to avoid all the emotional traps, but I will take your advice to heart.
I was never good at expressing my feelings, but I am trying to do so, and I think I am getting better at it. That is one of the hardest things to do. If you never had any role models to show you how to express feelings in a healthy way, then you can be at a total loss for words. When I do try to express my feelings, I feel like the words never come out right. But I am taking all possible steps to free my brain of my emotional chains.
It is so true that we have to support and love each other. People either don’t understand, because they did not experience the same thing, or they are not self-aware enough to know they too have issues, and are in denial and their own emotional prison. I am working on empathy in particular, both for myself and others.
So glad you have come so far. You are wonderful and an inspiration!
Hi AM! Yes, at one time a doctor thought I had rheumatoid arthritis at my young age of 37! Once I did somatic therapy and started having an emotional released in regards to my mother all the pain left my body. I know it is the same with my allergies. I can not wait to check out this book! Thank you for the suggestion! I love this online community and are grateful for it! Now more than ever because I have received guidance in meditation that my family is what is blocking me from thriving in my life and to completely cut them off. Whenever I am tempted to be in contact I am going to read this article and post instead. My mother pretends to love me because mothers are supposed to love their children but she does not really love me. I am simply a pawn in her game of life. For all of you out there who want to cut their toxic family off but feel guilt or something like that, do not feel guilt. It is ok to cut them off. It is ok to be visible. It is ok to have a happy healthy peaceful harmonious abundant and prosperous life!! You are strong and you are deserving and you can do it!
I was a child. A child who wanted love. The humiliation, the “your a dumb bell”, the “we’re not laughing with you, we’re laughing AT you. I was a child. I looked and searched for the ‘hole’ to hide in, to seek refuge somewhere in my mind and or soul. WORDS at a young age mold and shape the person you turn out to be. 52 years old and The effects of your hurtful and humiliation haunts me every day. BUT, there is love in my heart. I know from a higher power that love can help. My dad passed almost 4 years ago. My wife and I made the decision to move 2000miles to watch over and make sure that the person that caused so much hurt would be safe and not alone. Feelings can be supreesed, to a certain point. Scares heal but leave a defining mark on ones heart. The guilt I have and I’m sure others known the guilt I speak of is something we live with and cope with every day. She caused the pain in my heart, she caused me to be the perfect one, never making mistakes. She caused me not to fully love or be loved. But every day I/we do the best we can to prove I will not be the victim, I will rise above and take that extra step to prove to MYSELF that I am better, that the guilt I have was not my doing and I will refuse to repeat that process with my loved ones. Continue to seek the love and return the love to people. Never stop dreaming of what could be just be cause your told your to stupid, follow your passion. Love, care and most of all, believe in your self no matter what a toxic person/parent tells you
I am an adoptee that had emotionally abusive adoptive parents. We fought constantly and I was devastatingly heartbroken all of the time. I’m a brave soul, so it took me a long time to finally break free from them and tolerate it for so long. They were manipulative enough to slip love in there enough to make me feel like i somewhat mattered and i am a very positive and resilient person by nature so i think that helped. After a huge fight 3 years ago they sent me a horrible letter and we didn’t talk for about a year. We gradually sent small messages back and forth, I was living in Korea during this time) and I was able to do a lot of healing living over there for 6 years (i visited them only once). I had always thought of breaking free from my parents before then, but i was always fearful and by nature very loyal, so it was hard.i think i also had narcissistic parents so it was that guilt thing going on. And i think my whole abandonment adoptive issue played a huge part in that. so i stayed in our abusive relationship. but after that fight, they actually did me a favor and set me free. i was able to develop the identity i desperately needed that was free from all their judgement and unkindness and criticisms. i also realized how much over the years (im in my 40s now) that i had healed on my own(consciously) and i knew that there were good qualities about them that perhaps because of my own abandonment issues i was not able to fully emerse myself in those positive qualities growing up. of course it was their job to make those insecurities go away but i gained perspective as an adult and knew that they had their own issues from their childhoods and they were acting out on those. They didn’t and aren’t able to or don’t want to gain a different perspective. that is their decision. i understood i am not like them and i can choose. i can choose to purposefully love them unconditionally or completely forget about them. i knew i couldn’t die knowing that i had given up on them. i looked at myself and saw that i was not giving them unconditional love. even though it was their job first, as an adult i can choose. i could easily say well they did this or that, but how does that help me? i want a good and happy life and if i focus on all the bad i wouldn’t be happy. this may not work for everyone but i realized i wanted to love them . i wanted to try to unconditionally love them. and forgive them. i know myself enough to know that i have that capacity. i also made a deal with myself that i would try and of course if it wasn’t working out then it was okay to not continue but i needed to try as an adult. as someone that has perspective on the ideal way i want to be loved and to love in my relationships. when my parents found out i was returning they started sending me loving messages and the issues with my father i have are healing. i think we both realized how llittle time we have left with those close to us. he is more loving and considerate than ever and i too have become more loving than ever.accepting and tolerating both the good and bad. luckily i live across the country so i don’t see them actually ever. but i talk to them on the phone more than ever and i see them trying to be more loving and caringand considerate of who i am, was and have become and where i want to go. that’s my experience. the one thing i would say that was the biggest problem but essentially was sort of the biggest reason we were able to possibly keep and maintain a better relationship is our lack of communicating our needs and wants. i know that if i did that it would bring up old heartaches and issues and at this point it’s best to focus on the positive and the future. it works for us. ideally i would be able to share the hurts and try to get my parents to understand me. i know i deserve more love and kindness than they’ve given me, but i also know they love me in their own way. its the most mature adult thing i’ve done, is to just accept the amount of love, the way they love, just to accept it for what it is. and trust that if they knew what to do they would. that if they weren’t so afraid themselves or so conditioned themselves that they would. i have found the love i crave from them in other people, relationships, hobbies. and there comes a point, at least for me, where u need to just give love to yourself. no matter what that takes or what sacrifices you make u deserve it. i know it’s given me the capacity to then go back and have a better relationship with people who just don’t know how to love the way i do.
THerm: thank you for sharing your story. Your insight and advise are very helpful. My therapist has advised me to join a support group and I think that will help. Also I am trying to be more social, which helps my self-esteem.
What kind of support group do you recommend?
I have been going to and recommend Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families (it used to be called just Adult Children of Alcoholics). And I would definitely spend the $20 to buy their big red book. You will see that you are not alone, and there are answers to our challenges. It’s my understanding that it is one of the only 12-step programs that focuses on issues that stem from childhood with difficult parents. (You don’t have to do the 12 steps, but I am thinking it will be helpful). You can find a meeting at: http://www.adultchildren.org/
Good luck! If one of your symptoms is “isolation,” it is particularly good to go to a meeting.
I would be interested in hearing from anyone whose parents are still living on how they have dealt with them. Whether you have found any healthy way to interact with them, or how you have cut off communication. To date I have remained in touch and visit my parents, but I am in the process of writing them a letter telling them why I cannot do that anymore. I will be asking my mother to enter therapy if she wants to remain in contact, so as to understand my need for empathy and validation. I don’t have any expectations. As my mother is in her 80s now, I know this will be very painful for her. Any suggestions are welcome.
My mother is still among the living and I have not spoken to her in almost a year- one day she just sent me a scathing fb message and I had had enough and I just sent her a reply telling her I was done. That she could remove herself from my life or I would do it for her. I waited 24 hours and she didn’t unfriend me so I unfriended her, sent emails to a few of the family members explaining that I was done and that I didn’t mind if they still spoke to her and things like that but I would not be any longer- I stopped going to her home and stopped inviting her and the other family members to mine for social gatherings so they wouldn’t feel obliged to pick a side. She has sent me emails like happy birthday or merry Christmas and I don’t respond. I don’t talk bad about her either: it’s just like she doesn’t excist and my daughters and husband still talk to her but I don’t ask about what or anything because I don’t care. It’s been the best 12 months I have had in over 30 years.
Becca: thank you so much for sharing your experience and your wisdom. I am sorry to hear about your childhood wounds. I, too, know my life would have been very different, but I tell myself I can’t change my past, only my future. I don’t have the presence of mind that you do: I don’t have expectations, but despite decades of therapy and good intentions, I still am in so much pain when my mother makes mean remarks. If I reply with words about my feelings, I just get more abuse and defensiveness and yelling, and in every future instance I will be reminded of my words that she hears only as criticism, so I have no incentive to share my feelings with her and nothing has ever improved. I dread having to talk to her, because it fills me with shame and self-hate, and never see her, and then have guilt about that. But, I will take your words to heart and keep trying to be stronger on my end. Thank you again for sharing!
Mel: thanks so much for sharing. Your experience is inspiring and I am so glad you have found a way to have relief!
My mother tells ne things like my kuds are the worst kids if all. I grew up by my parents belitelung me. I had a horrible childhood only bad memories it affected my life badly and cintinues to.
Dear Vev, I’m sure that your children are the best of all, you mom uses all she has to bring you down, lying and lying and lying.
My mom used the same with me, always telling how much better my sisters would have raised my son.
Their children were always all over the place, shouting and misbehaving. Even the guys from the store complimented me, saying they have never seen such a polite and wellbehaving child.
Mom used to call and ‘cry’ how I fed sleeping pills and beer to my son. She really used everything she could come up with.
By then her words were white noise to me, I used to giggle when listening to her ‘truths’.
Now she is claiming that she practically raised my son, lol.
Vev, all you need to do is immediately tell yourself that she is lying. Period.
You can’t beat her, she will drag you down to her level and beat you with her experience.
That’s why it is important to just determine if she is lying or not. No justifications. If she belittles you, then she is lying.
The time will come when you don’t cry anymore, when you giggle at her stupidity and evilness plus even feel sorry for her.
Someone gave birth to your mom, she gave birth to you. Now you have given birth to your children, which means that you don’t owe her anything anymore.
Question to all of you:
I am not going to attend any social gatherings anymore, meaning events where mom and her husband is.
Some already know why not, they also know to be quiet if mom asks why I am not there.
Soon she is going to find out that it’s not an exception, it’s a rule, and wonder what has happened.
Yesterday I talked with an ex-boyfriend, he knows her behaviour towards me and he has always wondered ‘how can a mother talk so evil about her own daughter?’ – he doesn’t understand how she can do it.
Anyway, he adviced me to stay silent and let my mom and stepdad explain to the other guests again and again where I am.
Should I do it? Let her do the explaining and later on hear how much crap comes out of her mouth?
Thank you for sharing your experience!! I have a toxic mother….. She always neglects my emotions for her… She has even made me feel like an object which she can keep whenever she wants to and throw it away when she is done with…. She even tried to defame me in the society by telling her own perception to everyone about the fights that took place between her and me….This made people judge me… Infact some people even tried to insult me in public…. This all together has affected me to a great extent…. I keep on losing hope and interest to do anything in life….
Things have stopped giving me the pleasure that I loved to do…. And I want to get out of this… i want to develop the same attitude for my mother that you have towards your mother. … I am not able to even concentrate on my studies…. Please help me out..
Ash… you should send me your contact info! My mother is quite the same. I have been through therapy and during that she told me I was lying to my therapist about her, that I was always a lier and she has even turned quite a few of my family members against me. Let’s chat!
Hi,
I don’t know if you will end reading this…but I thought I would answer as some may want to feel they are not alone. I didn’t talk to my mother since 8 months…she is 84 and it was so bad how she treated me… My heart stopped in one area and I was rushed to the hospital. The doctors advised me not to talk to my mother again as I may not make it out the next time. I was angry that she caused me that, angry that I bemt over backwards for her all my life…even saved her life once and I am forever hurt for how she has treated me after evrything. My friend told me, to just go and she was sure my mother would be changed….god, what a mistake, she was so aggressive and demeaning, even in front of my son….she is moving next week, never told me anything, all done secretly….sold furniture that belonged to me and tells me that I am no longer in her will. Wow….my son and I had dropped jaws….my son couldn’t understand as I spent my whole life ´´serving her every need’´ I have a hard time understanding what on earth is going on. I am a nurse and for me, this isn’t my mom, but apparently, nothing mental is going on, which I don’t believe. I felt like throwing up when I got home and couldn’t stop crying. I have been ill and almost died many times and to have a mother who does this to you at the end of her lifetimes is beyond me. I know I will never get over this. After my husband laoing his job , lost my only brother to cancer and losing my mom before she dies is just too much!
I pray noone gets the same events as I can only sympathize with you.
Sincerly, lost in a nightmare….
Hi Kathryn, I am so sorry you got hurt by a very unhealthy toxic person.. you are not the issue your mother is… I have two divorced toxic parents.. I am 49 and I saved my mother’s life last year.. she has no appreciation but she is bi polar and now in a nursing home so I can heal.. my parents toxicity took my health, past, relationships, chance of children basically I was a servant to their selfish needs… however I now see they are the problem not me and am looking forward to finding joy again as they will never steal my sunshine again so please don’t let your mum steal yours.. you are better than she is and we all deserve respect and happiness
Hi
My father has passed over but mother still alive. My situation led me to stop contact. I just had enough when she done something that pushed me to my limit. It was a decision I didnt even have to think about, I just done it. That was over 6 years ago. After a about 4 years of no contact, including my children, I decided to try to speak to her. Was like banging my head against a brick wall and I am not able to forgive her for what she done because she denies what happened and comes up with different reasons each time I confront her about it. On top, she has no compassion on how much it hurt me…she is, like i side, a brick wall.
I have gotten on with my life, yes I would be happier if things were different between us, but I know now that I am better being away from her as when Im in her company I get so angry that I dont like who I become. I still think sometimes though…maybe if I done this, said this etc It could be better….but who am I kidding is also thought….
Other scenario…I pretend everything is alright and try make a go of the relationship ? Dont think I can to be honest….she has fallen out with my brother and a couple of her sisters…she hasnt changed..
I wish you well on what decision you make…go by your gut…its not easy what ever decision you make and I guess you will also think a lot of what ifs either way…..just go for your happiness
M: thanks so much for sharing. Don’t be hard on yourself. You are correct when you say that there is nothing you could have done to have made it better- you are only half the equation! Thanks again for sharing. Glad you found some peace.
To AM:
Don’t send a letter, since they will use it against you.
Here’s how I have dealt with it – now that my inner voice finally is “working”:
Wait until you are strong enough and know that you won’t fall in their guilt traps.
Become aware of the guilting methods, because you have to close every single door that they use.
Love and respect yourself just the way you are.
Keep it as simple as possible, just think “It’s not my problem” – instead of starting mental processes where you defend to your decisions and actions.
When they come to mind, think “It’s not My problem”
Do not start to defend your actions, only become aware of them.
Don’t fall for their crocodile tears, they are not your problem!
Do they think about your feelings? Nope. So you don’t have to think about their feelings either.
“My parents have feelings too, but who cares?!” A good joke 😉
When all injustices pop up, tell yourself that you are aware of them. Period.
They come from your subconscious mind, so by just acknowledging them, without any analysing, they stay in your conscious mind. Which is good.
A Psychiatrist once taught me a lot of wisdom:
He said, “There are people who are incapable of seeing anything wrong in themself or their actions, so they reflect all their negative traits into you, because that’s the only way they can deal with their negative traits, placing them on someone else.”
He continued: “Become aware that they use you as their trash can, that you are always left with the task of dealing with Their crap, while they have taken in all of your energy. Problem is that the positive energy from you, turns into negative energy in them – so the next time you see them, the same cycle continues. It’s neverending, unless you stop it. And my advice would be to move as far as possible, unless you are’nt able to cut the strings completely and not see them anymore.”
“The reason why this is so important, is because you can NEVER let them see you children, you have to keep them away from them, otherwise they do the same to them as they did to you. Remember that when they define you, they are always defining themself. You serve as a mere mirror, the risk is that you start to think you are the mirror. Remember that they won’t ever see You for who You are, they only see a reflection of themself, not you.”
Just inform them that you are not going, if you need excuses then make them up. Like meeting a friend. Period. No names, no explanations.
Think that the ball is in their court. If they contact you, then you are allowed to throw the ball back.
When you don’t feel guilt anymore, that’s when you have gained your strenght to deal with your parents.
Guilt comes from the outside, never from within. Say “not my problem” to all guilty feelings and thoughts.
Hope this helps xx
Dear no narcs anymore: Thank you so much for sharing all of your insight, and the excellent advice from the psychiatrist. Yes, I have to get stronger and not feel guilt. I have a new therapist and am working on it. You have all convinced me not to send a letter, so that has been extremely helpful! I love this: “Do they think about your feelings? Nope. So you don’t have to think about their feelings either.” Thank you!
Wow, that was seriously helpful! Thanks so much
Dear No narcs anymore: I just re-read this — 6 months later. I am in a different place, and am so glad to be reminded how brilliant your insight was! I am still working on relieving myself of guilt and shame, but I am on my journey. How great to re-read this entire thread and see how strong people can be!
I can empathize with you. My mother is also in her 80’s, and I’ve always had ambivalent feelings towards her. I’ve realized at this point in our lives that I will ALWAYS have ambivalent feelings about her. The trick is not to feel shame about it. This IS how I feel and it is not my fault for feeling that way. I have good, valid reasons for feeling as I do. However, feelings are feelings. I do not have to act towards her in negative ways because of my feelings. In fact, I can react in ways in which I simply insist on keeping healthy boundaries I’ve set for myself. These include giving myself “permission” to leave being with her if she insists on yelling (something I regularly experienced from her while growing up). I do not have to take her yelling and verbal abuse like I did as a child. I couldn’t leave as a child, but I certainly can now! I can tell her, “I won’t listen to your yelling. If you don’t stop, I am leaving”. You’d be surprised – I’ve got her “trained” now to stop yelling and converse at normal decibel levels. I do not have to wear my hair the way she insisted on (and for which I was made fun of by other kids numerous times while growing up). I wear my hair and dress the way I want to! I wasn’t allowed many choices in how to think, act, dress, feel etc. while growing up. In essence, I wasn’t allowed to be myself – and on those rare occasions when I rebelled, trying to be the person I wanted to be, I was severely criticized and/or punished for it through one or all of these methods: physically, emotionally, verbally (through shaming) or in other ways. As a grownup, I can express my OWN thoughts and opinions. I can do what I decide I should do in any given situation. And if she doesn’t like it and starts in again – I can tell her to leave, and I have done so! One time I expressed – NOT THROUGH A LETTER – but through a talk, the ways I believed I had been damaged by her. I didn’t expect her to think she’d done anything wrong, and she didn’t accept that she’d done anything wrong. But you know what, that was okay! I had gotten things off of my chest that had been troubling me for a long time. I expressed those things more for MY benefit than I did expecting anything back from her. Because I had this attitude before talking to her, I was not so disappointed as I might have been had I had unreasonable expectations of her before talking to her. It was cathartic. It put the choice on her to understand and take responsibility for actions she had done. Now, I will finish my response by stating that there WERE some good things my mother did during my upbringing. Since most people are not all good or all bad, we must acknowledge the good in them as well. I did learn some good things from my mother that helped me get along in life. I try to remember that. However, I also know that I have lived a life that has been “crippled” in ways that it need not have been. It is difficult to look back on my life and regret that, had I been raised in a healthier environment, who knows how far I might have gone in a career and how much better my marriage and other relationships could have been. However, I also think of the progress I have made in being able to overcome some of the negatives. They may look like small victories to outsiders, but each time I assert my right to be my own person, even in a small way, I become healthier step-by-step. My advice to you is to keep the connection with you mother, (unless she is truly a monster), but to set boundaries and to LEAVE when she won’t listen to or respect you, but continues to violate those boundaries! If she is reasonable and sane at all, she will understand that she has no control over you now that you are an ADULT, and the choice to RESPECT you as an adult with boundaries now lies with HER – not you! You just might be surprised at how you relationship actually improves.
Becca: thank you so much for sharing your experience and your wisdom. I am sorry to hear about your childhood wounds. I, too, know my life would have been very different, but I tell myself I can’t change my past, only my future. I don’t have the presence of mind that you do: I don’t have expectations, but despite decades of therapy and good intentions, I still am in so much pain when my mother makes mean remarks. If I reply with words about my feelings, I just get more abuse and defensiveness and yelling, and in every future instance I will be reminded of my words that she hears only as criticism, so I have no incentive to share my feelings with her and nothing has ever improved. I dread having to talk to her, because it fills me with shame and self-hate, and never see her, and then have guilt about that. But, I will take your words to heart and keep trying to be stronger on my end. Thank you again for sharing!
Thank you so much for this comment. I have recently come to the conclusion that my elderly mother has Asberger’s Syndrome, and it is of enormous benefit to read how others deal with their toxic parents. You have given some excellent tips, which I must now attempt to follow.
I started noticing my mom’s BPD when I was about 11. She woud rage at me over the smallest things and physically and verbally assult me and then just before it was time for my Dad to come home she would apologies and promise me trips to the mall to buy whatever I wanted, so as long as I would not tell my Dad. She also lived in a fantasy world where she had big crushes on guys, be it the neighbour or the pharmacist at the store or the pastor of our church. She would envision that they thought she was beautiful and amazing and she would bad mouth my “loser” dad. I even found myself answering her silly questions if I thought those guys thought she was beautiful, I would lie and tell her “oh yes mom! I am sure they think you are the most beautiful woman ever!” which was a total lie and I was so mad at her and so protective of my Dad, whom I loved so much. As an adult woman, I suffered 5 pregnancy losses. She wrote in her diary with much spite and venom on how she was happy I lost them so she wouldn’t have the agonizing job of raising my snot nosed brats. As if I would have had her “raise” them… only help me out while I worked my job, something she never had to do, was work a job. Now I am a mother myself and at times I have had an angry, ridiculous outburst on my 3 year old, must be so imbeded in my brain that when it happens I am so wracked with horror I don’t know what to do. The only thing that helps is to be completely honest with myself about the disorder she has. We only have a surface relationship, talking only about her and what makes her happy or sad or etc. She has never been there for me in my life and I am always the one to reach out and make phone calls or take her to nice places for dinner. She shows no sadness when I go through challenges in my life, in fact it excites her that there are issues going on and I always do feel contempt and competition from her. I have my whole life! I have just tried so hard to master being nothing like her. My mom weighs close to 300 pounds, therefore I work out religiously. My mom is a social shut in, I have those tendencies as well because of how I was raised and not allowed to have friends or a social life as this affected HER, however, I have pt myself into a career that I have to be social and serve the public so it forces me to be nothing like her and when I lose my cool with my baby sweetheart, I just try and see a little me and my mom lashing out at me, and that stops me in my tracks. We might all be a little damaged in some way by a parent like this but we can learn and master as well and by golly, I am trying
My mother is in her late 70’s and as the saying goes – haven’t been able to learn new tricks . Inspire of all my prayers and positive interactions on my part , it has come down to just phone calls wishing her well and sending her love packages via amazon . I feel that it is best to keep it short , and ever since I chose to live and let live I can put the once exerted energy to good use .
Both of my parents are still alive; I have very limited contact with my mother and none with my father. It was a long process of giving myself permission to set boundaries and then owning how much energy and time was appropriate to engage with them (visits, phone calls etc). I worked to accept them for who they were – which ALSO meant letting them have the consequences of their choices. Their choice to act in toxicity did not mean however that I had to engage in it also. They have the right not to change and not to own the past, present and future – but I have the right not to participate in it. I’m now 60 years old… and choose not to play games and dance around my parents anymore… There are way too many positive persons, activities, hobbies to engage in without getting sucked into the black hole.
Having sad that – Everyone has to find their place of peace and what works and is right for them… My answer may not be yours. That’s OK. Good luck in your journey.
I am three years into no/ limited contact (I only see them at my brother’s occassions) with my parents (in their 70’s). It is VERY painful to realize how little your parents care about you. Just because you limit contact doesn’t stop your pain. I wish I knew how to get comfort for me and my children. My parents are in an enabling, toxic relationship with my sister and never see the hurt they inflict on me and my children. I tried to step back gradually, but my mother is loud and dramatic and lashed out making it impossible to do gracefully. Even no contact is painful, because you grieve the relationship you wish you had. You’re hurt, and being a parent yourself, you don’t understand how they can do this to their own child. Initially, I tried to remain civil, you know honor your mother and father, so that I would not have regrets later. My parents chose to lash out at me instead (leaving anything I had given them dumped in my driveway etc), never missing an opportunity to bad mouth me. I am proud of my life, the family I raised, and my accomplishments. I will not let them curse or abuse me anymore. That said, I wish I could have found a way to just ignore them, limit visits to family events, and continue with my life. If I could have bowed out gracefully, it may have been a slight hurt instead of a gaping wound that I can’t seem to get past. They are not mentally healthy enough to see past “saving” my sister, at the expense of everyone else. When they hurt my kids, that was my final straw. If anyone has advice, I am open to hearing…and if anyone is contemplating no contact, think about the best way to do it. I wish I could have taken the “invisible fence” approach where I decide what is acceptable without voicing it to them- leave when they become nasty, have other plans when I don’t feel like seeing them, etc. Please think through your next step. The way you cut ties will impact you and any children. Good luck.
My mother, for better or worse, is currently alive. I came across this page because I have completely cut off all contact with her as of a few hours ago and was looking for advice. More on the catalyst leading to that decision later…
First of all, it has always been my mom and I my entire life. My dad wasnt in the picture. I’ve spoken to him briefly a handful of times over the years and that’s about it. Since as early as I can remember (4-5 years old) my mom has been both verbally and physically abusive. One of my very first memories is spilling water on a carpet and being absolutely terrified of how my mom would react. Sometimes she would get angry for no reason at all, leaving me frightened and confused as any toddler would be. At one point when I was 6 years old she threatened me with going to live with my dad, who was a stranger to me. She had threatened this before but this particular time she went a step further. She packed me in the car and began driving to the airport while I was crying uncontrollably due to the fact I was 6 years old and being sent to a man who she had always spoke very negatively about and a man I didn’t even know. Even at this early age she did what I consider to be unforgivable things that have left me emotionally scarred well into adulthood.
My adolescence was much of the same. Random verbal abuse. I remember one particular time when her favorite football team lost a game and she didn’t speak to me for over a week. That was also a common occurrence. She would frequently get upset over things that had nothing to do with me, yet direct it towards me.
My teenage years is when it got particularly rough. I will admit during this time period I myself was no saint. However, this is when I was old enough to begin defending myself and spewing back the hatred she had unleashed on me all the previous years. During this time we tried attending therapy. She always made me about to be the problem. While I admit I did have my own issues at the time, her part was always left out entirely. She always assumed the role of the victim and most of the time it worked for her. However, on a few occasions during my teenage years, she was called out by formal professionals; two counselors of mine, and my juvenile probation officer (underage drinking). All three formally apologized to me saying “We didn’t realize what the situation was.” Basically, anytime her issues were brought up in front of one of these people, she reacted in a spectacular manner by throwing a fit and leaving the room. I would later use this as “ammunition” during heated arguments to validate that she was, in fact, the problem.
I moved out of her house when i was 20 with a girlfriend. She was absolutely in no way okay with this, nor did she support it. By this point, my teenage angst had subsided and I had reverted to trying as hard as I could to keep things on an even level with her. She would make me feel guilty, and it absolutely worked. My mom has never really had any friends or been very social. She had always relied on me. As an older and more mature adult, I felt as if I could fix the relationship. Looking back now, I wish I hadn’t of wasted so much time.
There are other countless examples of the abuse I’ve endured from my mother over the years. While I have tried to pacify her well into my mid 20’s, yesterday I finally reached my breaking point.
My girlfriend of 3 years and I are currently expecting a baby due in November. While my mom has tried to play nice with my girlfriend, they have a troubled history. For instance, on Christmas day my girlfriend texted her thanking her for her present and my mom texted back “fuck you I hope you choke on it.” My girlfriend has some of the nicest parents I’ve ever met, so she was not at all used to this. She had seen how my mother had treated me (while I never once instigated anything) and was obviously not a fan of her. My mother has also made remarks about my unborn child. Such as the fact she doesn’t even think it’s mine and it’s “fucked since it has you and your dad’s DNA”
Anyways, the other night I went to eat with my mom. I finally gathered up the courage to tell her how I truly felt and asked her to apologize to my girlfriend. I said I wanted everything to be okay with everyone, especially with a baby on the way. This was a bad idea. She became emotionally defensive, claimed it wasn’t her fault (she literally never takes accountability for her actions and rarely ever gives sincere apologies). My mom, without me ever asking, had bought me car that she still made payments on. She also paid for my car insurance (She could afford it.) After getting angry, she threatened to take it away and cancel my insurance. She had done this many times before but I would soon find out how serious she was this time…
After leaving her, we continued our argument via text message. She said hurtful things and I admittedly did too. We agreed I would give the car back to her on Sunday seeing as how, while its not ideal currently, I can afford my own.
The next day I walk into work to my co worker saying ” your mom is worried about you.” Apparently she had called wanting to know when id be there. Shortly after, police were in my parking lot. They came in and asked for the key. I was embarrassed in front of several employees and my manager. I also now had no ride home from work, which is a 45 minute drive from my house. This was the final straw for me. No longer could I endure this abuse.
Today, my girlfriend and I purchased a car together. Since I did not want to talk to my mother, I had my girlfriend message her. We had a ton of stuff in the other car she took that we weren’t able to get since the officers confiscated the keys. She refused to give it back to us, even though we threatened to call the police. Later on this evening when we got home we found her and her friend dumping our belongings in front of our apartment building. Her friend, who I’ve never met, proceeded to yell at me to “stay away.” And that she was “calling the police.” I responded, “uh, okay? Me too.” So the police came and it was a whole issue. My mom and her friend were making things up trying to get me arrested. Too bad I did absolutely nothing wrong. However, I did find out that earlier in the day my mom filed a protective order against me. So that’s hilarious. Always playing the victim despite being the sole instigator in our relationship.
I apologize because I’m aware this more than likely comes off as incoherent babbling. It’s 330am, I can’t sleep and I’m feeling emotional from everything that’s happening. I feel pissed off, hurt and depressed. However, I feel relieved the most. Relieved that this will finally give me the opportunity to rid myself of her negativity. It’s without a doubt one of those significant turning points in my life.
Thanks to anyone who attempted to read and understand my situation.
Josh: Congrats on the awesome kids! I struggle with the emotional toll also. I have started going to ACA meetings, which is for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families, and that is helping me, as is my therapist. I think it will always cause sadness for me, but I am working on reducing the hurt and guilt. Hope that makes sense.
You are better off without her. Good Luck to you and your beautiful family.
LMAO at the car story.
I am almost 60, was living with and caring for my frail father charging him nothing in exchange for “free” rent and utilities. Anyone see a problem with this yet?
My father “gave” me a car (but never the title) when my car died (and I had already decided I could not afford another car), then on car-purchase day he announced that he wanted me to work for him 4 hours a day and sell the car anytime he wanted. Getting the giggles yet?
THEN, whenever his poor little feelings were hurt (I figured out after the fact) he took the car keys (“driving privileges”, as he called it) away from me, and usually told me the next day to take the VW car keys or any of his other vehicles. Rolling on the floor, yet? (Never funny at the monent!)
Then, I finally told him I wasn’t playing that game any more, and he yelled that I would, and I never gave him the keys back again.
BUT, then he gave me power of attorney over personal and rental business transactions. Since I was in charge of getting groceries and running personal and rental business errands AND he had wrecked two cars in the last year (drinking, no food, driving at night in vortex mode “mania”?), I took ALL of the VW keys.
He wasn’t happy about this – I may have lied that I didn’t take his keys. Ahem! Soooo, he took 2 of the tires off the car and I didn’t say a word.
Short version: he falsely claimed I stole his money (just put a large chunk into an account he couldn’t be co-erced to spend/overdraft by his “friends” – I had POA), his attorney requested an accounting (I submitted 128 pages of EVERY check I wrote showing all monies spent on him, NOT ME) AND attorney gave me a not-yet filed lawsuit Complaint for Damages (accusing me of stealing monies) on the day I delivered the 128 pages (so didn’t bother checking facts before “serving” me with fake lawsuit).
Did I mention that the request for accounting included a Revocation of Power of Attorney? (So I was kind of fired from all of my non-paying jobs.) And the following week, he handed me an illegal one-day eviction notice. (And the following week was the fake lawsuit.)
All of that was really about control and manipulation over the car, a few steps removing himself from dealing with any of his hurts (very minor compared to his daily barrages).
Luckily, a friend had room to take me in and a van to move bare essentials.
Out of fear of his reactions after I submitted my response showing EVERY DIME was spent on him, I wanted to be gone and had decided to go NO CONTACT. (Other than one phone call, I have let all his calls go to voicemail – every day he leaves a message: he wants me to manage his property, do his bookkeeping and taxes for $200 / month.) Still laughing?
My poor sister is upset that she is stuck disposing of the remainder of my possessions and I should have taken it with me. I told her I took more than I would have been able if I had to resort to living on the street after losing my job, my home, my possessions, my reputation (from “stealing”), and my family ALL IN THE SAME WEEK.
And you can fill in the daily digs of living with him for over one year that I didn’t mention here.
People don’t change unless they want to change for themselves. Save yourself from heart ache.
Some resources that have either helped me already or which I think could, are…
joining Codependents Anonymous group
reading these books:
“Leaving Home
by P Celani
– excellent book for describing more about why it is hard to psychologically break away from being affected or otherwise trapped by your negative upbringing and parents
“Children of the Self Absorbed” by Nina Browne
Hi My story is complicated. In a nutshell my brother passed away 5 years ago in Cambodia. He has a daughter now 10 years old & I have have Guardianship of her as her mother was unable to care for her due to mental illness. My niece has settled into our family & is a happy loved & contented child just enjoying an Australian childhood. My Mother & my Older Sister have absolutely nothing toxic relationships with me , with constantly being told how inadequate Iam. Needless to say this has always been the way… I was never quite good enough for my parents& my sister 2 years senior never embraced me. Anyway the family seem to think that my niece , well she’s our third child! is some type of commodity ! I hear others say I’m done & Iam & honestly can t do this anymore the abuse & degretation of my character is breaking me. My husband & 2 adult children are overwhelmingly supportive & involved in our 5 member of our family. I could type my grievances forever but any advice is appreciated. Sze
I moved out at 19 and lived blocks away from my parents throughout 6 years of university while I suffered from severe depression and tried to support myself. During those years I was invited over to their house once. After graduation I moved an 18 hour drive away. I had no contact for 10 years while I went through intensive therapy. After that my Greek husband, who did not understand the estrangement, forced me back into some sort of relationship with my parents. It remained very minimal, based on what I could cope with. They did not attend my wedding, or send me flowers when I had twins who died after their birth due to their prematurity. The hardest part throughout my life has been the extreme amount of love and kindness that my mother showed to others-even sponsoring young women from other countries and doing anything she could to support them. My mother died very suddenly a few weeks ago at 80. I had tried to get close to her for the 15 years after my son was born-but she would never allow it. Only in the last 2 years of her life did she show lots of affection to my son. I am now left with my father. He has continued to be hurtful and toxic since my mothers death. I am back to realizing that I again have to minimize my relationship/contact with him. I don’t think that it is ever possible to resolve these relationships. I had proposed family therapy many years ago, but my daily were unwilling to even consider it. I think that the focus always has to be on self -protection, and only allowing what you can handle/tolerate at any time in your life, which may vary from year to year. There is no understanding it, and I think no communication is more painful than a minimal amount.
Hi Kathy … I hear your pain and wish to offer you hope … explore the world of Emotional Freedom Techniques – tapping … it is a combination of Ancient Chinese Medicine and Modern Psychology … check out http://www.eftuniverse.com or http://www.emofree.com for videos … you can heal this pain … you have the power … you just have to “tap” into it!! I had a very difficult childhood, moving several times, alcoholic parents, and eventual estrangement from them as well…since I found “tapping”, I have been able to reestablish a healthy relationship with my 89 y.o. mother … teaching her to tap brought about incredible insight to where her patterns started which became a pattern for me … we have healthy boundaries and have found a new, happy, healthy relationship … there is hope … email me if you would like more info … YOU HAVE THE POWER TO HEAL THIS!!!
I lost my toxic father in 1997 who was physically abusive. He never ever spoke to me and only beat me black and blue. His death was a relief to me.
My toxic mother passed away last month she was emotionally abusive and clingy. I had to take care of her due to her ill health. But only their death can bring relief as morbid as it sounds as they will never admit to their wrong doings and no amount of therapy or councilling helps. They will never say anything to validate your efforts even on their deathbed
I had went back and forth. Sadly. When I got stage 4 cancer I took them back only to have her scream at me after just having chemi, feeling weak, white and fear of dying. Not sure what I did, but she has this change in her from a ok person to a evil one… I just can’t anymore. I have tried. I have suffered enough. She tried to kill us with her gun and I guess I will never be able to trust her again after that. Even though it was a long time ago. She tracks down my friends and tells them I’m mean to her and my dad, that they are old, that im mentally ill. I’m done. At some point you have to be. Finally, I had enough.
Ha! Good luck with that, you will be scapegoated no doubt, get ready. My mom and sister mom is 86 sister is 58, mean as snakes. After their bouts of screaming at me in front of my children, the tell me later that it is so hard for me. I am just so sensitive. Makes it hard to move on. My deal is that I am happy to contribute but expect to be treated with the same respect I give up them. My husband is sure the are just mentally ill. I just think they are very unkind people. Sorry to vent. Keep your expectations low for them, high for you. Focus on you not them.
Hi my mum is alive, and I recently decided enough is enough. She’s extremely manipulative and never accept/apologise when she’s wrong. She’ll turn it round and make it my fault…it’s always been the same. I was even blamed as a child for ruining her life…she’s an abhorrent person who makes every situation about her.
I had a breakdown recently. ..and received no compassion from her…Instead she worked her usual trick and mimicked my symptoms so she got attention and support.
Luckily, I have a fantastic psychiatric team who helped build me up…and i’m gradually letting go of toxic relationships…including the one with my mother.
Hi AM … my siblings and I lived through 2 alcoholic parents … the push pull confusion left me an emotional wreck well into my 50’s … I am happy to report that I have found a way to release the negative emotions by using Emotional Freedom Techniques – tapping. I have been able to return to those painful memories, release the negative sensation and put that memory in the “fact vault”. I taught my 89 year old Mom how to “tap”. She was able to release painful memories for her as a 17 year old girl in WWII. I learned to love her and myself through the pain. We now have a strong relationship where I will speak my truth and we can hear each other. There is hope, you just have to be prepared to open your heart, find a practitioner (I happen to be one that has survived childhood trauma) and live the rest of your life in peace, calm and understanding.
Bless you, I really do feel for you my lovely. I decided to cut ties with my mother 4 years ago, not because I realised that she was toxic, but because, the person that I had built my mother to be (in my own head) didn’t exist. I didn’t understand my feelings, I didn’t understand her behaviour and I wasn’t as sure in my mind as you are in yours, that actually it wasn’t my fault!! So a huge pat on the back to you for being able to recognise this fact!!!
I always knew that my children would be raised differently than I was, so I had some degree of understanding. My situation also wasn’t helped, because not only was I suffering physical and mental abuse, let’s not dress this up guys, it is ABUSE! I also went to a relative in my childhood to “save me” from my mother, who sexually abused me. All considered, I believe that I have grown up pretty well rounded, but the thing that was the most damaging was the psychological scars that this left behind! But I think that it can explain how bad things were at home, if I would rather be sexually abused for 7 1/2 years than be at home with my mother.
Anyway, following the depression I started to realise that none of this was my fault, I didn’t ask for it! I didn’t deserve it, no one does. But what I do have is a wonderfully supportive family, in my husband and 2 children. My daughter at 14, was more of an adult than I was at 41, this she told me was because I had done such a great job raising her ?. I had raised her to be strong, confident, be able to have her OWN opinion and not afraid to express it, as long as it was respectful. She knows that sometimes she could hurt someone if she just talks and never listen. Through her I have seen that actually I am a good person, with a good heart, and sometimes, although it goes against everything I have ever done I have learned to accept that I am these things. I am not bad or wicked.
4 years on, I have moved 250 miles away, she doesn’t know where I am or what I am doing, 2 of my 3 brothers do not speak to me, because of the lies she has told, pretty big disgusting lies I may add, but I have come to terms with that too! My father now lives just around the corner from me, he gets to see his grandchildren a lot more, we have rebuilt our relationship and now things are good, in fact they are more than good they are amazing. We all as a family still have a way to go but we are doing it together. My mama there has even tried to come between my relationship with my dad, but he knows me, so believes nothing that she says. I don’t know if this is helpful and if I was to give you any advice it’s that we all have other close relationships, lean on them, they know the situation that you are in, sometimes better than you do! You deserve to be happy, and they will help give you strength when you feel you have nothing left, they will pick you up when you fall, because as I keep saying, YOU DESERVE IT!!!!! Oh and give people credit for having their own minds too, not everyone will believe lies that are told about you, most people saw through them way before you did, lots of love to you ❤️
Thank you for the article and for the comments xx
I was googling to find information about cutting ties with your family and found this article.
At 4 yrs old I tried to commit suicide, because nobody loved me and I didn’t see the point in being in this world.
At 5 yrs old I swore that if I ever get a child, then I will do exactly the opposite than my mother.
Which was a good thing, my son is the kindest man on earth and he has only good things to say about me. He is 26 yrs old.
Last years I fell into depression, stopped laughing and isolated myself. I have refused to throw any parties and haven’t really understood why.
Until a few days ago… few years ago one sister had a birthday party. My stepdad called me crazy, shouted to everbody “hey, she is crazy” and other demeaning things. For no reason.
All relatives got embarrassed and pretended they didn’t see or hear. Not one of them stood up for me.
The next family gathering the same thing happened. He shouted from the other side of the table and came with false definitions – that’s his thing, define me in every possible way and always in a very negative way. Nobody stood up for me.
It became a pattern, so mom would call me before every party and tell me to keep my opinions to myself, otherwise I ruin the party.
It hasn’t helped, I try to be as invisible as possible, but it doesn’t stop him. And mom is always bossing him around, except when he is verbally attacking me.
It dawned upon me a few days ago, after yet another family gathering, and me crying alone at home afterwards again, that they are the reason for my depression. My profession is to give positive feedback to people, but due to the depression I haven’t worked.
After making the decision to cut all ties to the family, not attend any family gatherings ever again, I have started to take deep breaths and feel the inner power growing and growing. And also actively thinking that I am loved by God for who I am, which has made wonders.
Mom doesn’t say any mean things any longer, not in ten years. She called me then to inform how my sister’s money problems is MY fault, because I don’t pray enough for her. I got furious and turned ice-cold, after that she has crawled and tried to be super nice.
But it’s apparent that she supports her husbands verbal abuse, so there’s not any other choice than to cut the ties – and finally get out from the depression.
It was a double-betrayal, because nobody intervened. Fortunately there’s a heap of really good friends, friends who do anything for me and stand up if they saw someone abuse me.
Nobody in the family cared about my feelings, so why should I care about their feelings, right?
Thank you all, we are a huge bunch and we sit in the same boat. I wish each and everyone of you all the best life has to offer – and much more xx
Its actually very relieving to read about other similar experience. To most people the idea of a toxic parent seems so alien. Parents are always assumed to inherently love their children and the idea of them being toxic is not easily accepted by those who have not experienced it.
Thanks for this article. I can totally relate to this. I am a 28 year old female from Pakistan and happily married for a year now. I have suffered all of my life at the hands of my toxic father. When I was 7, he cheated on my mother with another woman and married her. Since then, we have lived in a polygamous home since its still legal in Pakistan. He had 3 other childen with that woman and the youngest one when I was 20.
It was only last month that I decided to completely cut him off from my life since I could not take more humiliation. Most of my life he was emotionally and at times physically abusive to my mother. Since I am very attached to my mother I always felt her unimaginable pain. But more than that he has been emotionally abusive to me since I was around 13.
He was the one who ruined our family for his selfishness but we were always the ones compromising to accommodate his other family. Yet he would always find an excuse to be angry at me. He would often tell me that he should have left us when he remarried but he kept us as a favour and that we should be thankful to him. He was and still is very rich but would often withhold money and basic necessities when he was angry about something (which was quite often). He would be angered at any minor thing that displeases his other wife and would say and do horrible things. Sometimes he would also tell me that I am the most important person in his life and that he loves me the most. He would sometimes do wonderful things for me but then when he goes on and acts horribly it leaves me very confused.
I was always scared of marriage because of my traumatic childhood but I got engaged in 2012. Instead of encouraging me and giving me good hopes for my future life, he told me he would leave my mother after I am married. I still remember I spent the whole night crying scared for my mother. I spent a year studying in London for which my father paid. But after that he never recovered from the guilt of spending so much on my education. When I returned I was soon to be married. He paid for the wedding as well but would humiliate me every single day for every penny he paid. (Its common culture in Pakistan for parents to pay for weddings).
On every little thing he would threaten to divorce my mother. That was his way of making me bow to his will and take his humiliation silently. After I got married I moved to the other side of the country. I am happily married now with a successful career but he continues to treat me the same. Everytime I visit home or he visits me, its all about making his other wife and children feel special. If anything should displease them he would end up very abusive towards me.
I finally called it quits last month when I was visiting home for a few days after 3 months and the same happened. He physically pushed me out the door. For me that was the end of my tolerance. So after a good 20 years I gave up on my father never to look back. Even he never tried contacting me so its done.
My toxic father dominates and belittles me in every way possible because I couldn’t become what he wanted me to be.I have given myself enough punishment for that and now it’s time to let go of him.Since moving out is not an option for me…..what can I do?
Mariana you never have to be anything anyone else wants you to be, and there is absolutely no need to apologise or punish yourself for that. You are here to be the best that you can be, and that’s all. If moving out really isn’t an option for you, it is important to protect yourself from any behaviour that might continue to hurt you. Here is an article that will hopefully help you to do that https://www.heysigmund.com/toxic-people-when-someone-you-love-toxic/.
Thanks
My whole life has been filled with toxic people that’s all I know my heart is so big for them I love them though I have so much pain I just want to show them the love I feel is real not fake I want to save them I feel that’s why I hurt so much
At the age of 60, I’ve slowly accepted the fact that the death of my “being” occurred so, so long ago that I often feel like what remains is just a smokescreen of a myself. Like so many in here, my childhood was riddled with dysfunction that wore the masks of drug abuse, of narcissism, of sexual molestation, of neglect, of violence, and of jealously to name a few. A family of too many children, too little love, too much genetic malfunction.
And today, I walk around an empty shell, sadly acknowledging what passed me by as a little girl and accepting that it never makes a return visit.
And I speak of love–an unconditional love– that soaks into your skin and bathes your soul with a warmth so pure, no evil can steal it. But sadly, the parents of this gaggle of children had no ability to show or give love. And like cannibals, we devoured and ridiculed any signs of love for that showed weakness. And the blade of mockery was brandished quickly if any weakness was sensed.
Emotional neglect was our calling card.
But when the matriarch of this “clan of the lost” was recently laid to rest, I found I felt nothing but a strange sense of relief mixed with a rumbling sadness that rolls through me like a wave. And leaves me with the eternal question:
What Was My Purpose?
And the answer for me has been to undo what was done to me.
I married very young and pregnant after drifting through life aimlessly. We have raised four children and remain happily married today. And there is love in my new family. Deep love. But I sometimes fear that love is like a dandelion in seed and a swift wind will wretch it from my hand forever. For you see, a childhood void of unconditional love is like a twisted gnarled hand: it may function but it will never know the true joy of wholeness. And yes. It is a wholeness that I lack. And not a wholeness based on external features like beauty and status. But a wholeness that makes me believe I’m likable and worthy.
I’ve been told I’m odd. I’m standoffish. I’m intense. I love being alone too much. I’m driven to perfection. I’m hyper-vigilant. I ruminate.
But what people don’t understand is this: Those traits were my childhood saviors! How else would I have scared away the monsters that stole my childhood?
I can only hope that the family I built only continues it’s upward flight towards true, unconditional love and that one day, I can look back on my family of origin not with ill-will and distain and fear but with pity that our struggle was such that we were left damaged. And that my remaining guilt of “surviving” my upbringing becomes, instead, my cloak of honor.
I wish you all peace as you work along your journey…
This was beautifully written. I felt every word. Thank you for sharing.
In follow-up to my last comment, I have read that God had a plan before we were born of what our life was going to be like, that whatever happened to us was supposed to happen, that there are lessons we need to learn in this life. If that’s the case, and I believe it may very well be, he hasn’t made it easy for us. This one is incredibly tough but I believe if I am successful, so will be the rewards.
Tonia,
In your response to my comment – thank you for your response. Hard to believe there is someone else who has a family as sick as mine. You’ve given good advise – work on being happy with what I have. Yes, I think I’m there but one thing is, I would like to find someone to trust and love and who will love me. The people worth having, it seems, run, once they find out about my family, thinking I may be as sick as them. It’s pretty scary to think I may live the rest of my life with no support system – no family, no friends, no nothing. Just what my father wanted for me.
Oh, my goodness! Thank you so much. This will help me.
I have been dealing with this for all 64 years (today is my birthday)! I have basically freed myself from a toxic grasp and do a better and better job of keeping my commitment to myself every day. Yes, I still give a chance to prove themselves otherwise, but this toxic bunch proves themselves as toxic as ever! The last attempt proved a game changer and I look forward to a full life without them.
To the commenters. You are not crazy and are not alone. And, I am so happy to know I am not alone. Wow. Wow. Wow.
In response to Julie L D
Hi! Read your post, and, yes, you know, as toxic as my family is, I still give them chance after chance to prove to me otherwise, and time after time they prove me to be right. I think I’ve protected myself through it all, but each time I hope they will prove me wrong and that they are good, honest, caring people. I suppose the last straw is when they totally rip away all money left in the trust to me. Hopefully, by then I will have worked, earned and found spiritual fulfilment for all eternity and will be the richest the soul beyond belief.
What im left with is that I hate who I am when I am around her. I hate the anger that is inside of me. I worry that I am like her and my kids will end up hating me too. I have tried to resolve things with my mother (im in my late 40s and she is in her 70s) but we argue so easy because I cant let go of some of the horrible things she has done when I was in my late 30s early 40s. I just cant forgive her and she thinks what she has done is justified and has no remorse and still feels im in the wrong, yet I know in my heart I was trying my best, single parent with very young children, who was still having to be a certain person that my parents thought I should be, but wasnt. MY dad is dead now but my mother has turned more controlling than she has ever been and has pushed not just me but a good few members of our family away. It is frustrating and im left with trying to heal these wounds 🙁
This was an incredible article, and so many comments from brave people trying just to get on, and deal with the fallout caused by toxic parents. I am one of three siblings, all damaged in some way, by toxic parents who were not able to turn their own unhappiness inwards, and try and use some insight to turn it around. I am determined to break the cycle. Good luck to everyone.
After reading this, I was disowned because well…my mother hated my boyfriend. I’m still recovering from a blow up. She blasted all the most hateful things about my fiance, then when I came back with all the crap she did wrong to me, i was called a liar and she blocked me on Facebook because I dared to challenge her way of thinking. I know my fiance can lie, but has never once cheated on me. She mentions that he’s been sick and that he has an STD, which we tested for, doesn’t have, she claimed he had MRSA due to an staph infection from 2015, my sister said unless my mother had suddenly a degree in medicine, that she found hard to believe. I was told to ignore my mother, the truth is, she claims I need counseling for even thinking about challenging her. I get mad enough, I might, but when she’s blasting this all over FB for the whole world to see over minor things, it starts to being an issue for me.
I don’t want that kind of issue in my life, I cried enough over it, and I still cry over the fact I can’t see my father, because my mother claims that she won’t let him without her there.
My mother is pushing my boundaries too far and it is so stressful. I can’t bring myself to cut her off completely. I have in the past, but now I have a child and I worry about the example I set for him if I can’t tolerate her. She keeps sending gifts for him in the mail, and bringing many gifts when we see her. I generally have a rule of providing no information about our life but my son had a procedure recently and I wanted to share with my friends on social media, so I send a short text to her. She takes this as a sign that contact can be extended and that she is in the ‘inner circle’ and it begins a flurry of texts and calls. I let down my boundary. This morning a package arrived on our doorstep which was sent yesterday. I have had enough but I am struggling to tell her to back off. Of course, she won’t get it, doesn’t get it, so often ignoring works best. But it’s so hard to reprogram my wanting to thank her for the gift even though I don’t want it.
Society seems to confer martydom and sainthood on mothers. My mother died never acknowledging or accepting responsibility for anything pain she inflicted . No my emotions were not important and simply dismissed . My dad died when I was 6 , she remarried in less than a year. Not a day went by without my being told what sacrifices she made for me ,how horrible my dads family was. I had to live a lie pretending her husband was my father , not a single photo or item of my dads allowed. Her priorities in life were to be a good second wife and step mother. Congratulations in your grave ,you succeeded ! You forgot that I was a 6 year old child that needed the security of knowing my mother was there for me. You chose another man, his child and then your child together !
After reading these posts I now know I am not alone in this. For such a long time I have lived a toxic life mainly due to my mother’s toxic ways and treatment towards me and others. I have always felt guilty of progressing and doing well in my life mainly because she’s looks down upon anything that’s good in life. Living this way with her has been so depressing and outright difficult due to how she treats me and others. I pray that I find a solution to this madness yet I feel guilty due to her being my parent, but surely need the madness to stop!! (Troy led mama)
Hi Laura, it sounds like my mother, depressed and nagative, so she takes it out on everyone around her. It’s unfortunate that she has everyone in my family, including my 3 sisters and father, under her spell and control. Well, I’ve broken away and will most likely not speak to anyone in my family again because of her.
I have read a lot of these comments and I feel like myself and the other commenters have so much in common. I feel like out of everyone here my mother is the worst and most toxic parent. I feel the same way as another commenter. When I was younger I thought and my family thought I was the problem. But it wasn’t that I was a problem, it was that she had a problem with me. I didn’t have to do anything wrong and she would treat me horrible. People would tell me that I had to do something wrong and that she wouldn’t treat me bad for no reason. But i wouldn’t do anything wrong for her to treat me bad. Her favorite thing to do to me was to scream at me in public for no reason. My other family members all listen to her and are on her side. She treated me so badly that she gave me 3 mental illnesses. It would have been nearly impossible to stay away from her because every time she would treat me bad I would stop talking to her but she would just treat me worst or always come around me to annoy me. One time she treated me bad so I stopped talking to her , so one morning she wakes me and my brother up at 6 in the morning saying she felt sick and she needed to go to the hospital. So we took her and when she got home I asked her what the doctors said and she ignored me and then came back and said she always gets what she wants one way or another. The crazy thing is even she treated me so badly and was suppose to put my self esteem way down, I am actually very confident. I feel like I am 1000 people in 1. I feel like a one man army. I feel like I don’t need my family. I definitely don’t need her. I just wish I had know what she was doing to me so I could have left, completely severed all ties with her and anyone she was in contact with and tried to undo everything she did to me. I am telling you compared to the rest of you my mother makes your toxic parents look like angels.
I’m not sure that you meant to be so dismissive but I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. I don’t think there is any point in comparing our toxic parents, as the important part is how we feel about it, not what they did to us.
Hello all, thanks for sharing, here is part of my story:
My parents were married and divorced before I was born. Allegedly, he abused her psychologically and physically. He held a knife to her throat, threatened to kill her, threatened to rape her sister, threatened to cut me out of her womb and show me to her before he killed her. He stalked her at work and tried to run her off the road. He was (and is) an alcoholic. I was told these stories over and over again as I grew up. Sometimes the guilt would keep me up at night, even in elementary school. He had a few other ex-wives that said the same thing about him, although he has never admitted it or been charged with anything and also never laid a hand on me physically (I have experienced some of the psychological abuse though). Although that was the seventies in small town Oklahoma, so maybe things were swept under the rug a little more back then.
She escaped to her parents one night. After I was born, we lived with my maternal grandparents until my mother remarried. I loved them so much, they were everything to me, but are both gone now. I believe they protected me as much as they were able.
My biological father, was in and out of my life sporadically. He had every other weekend visitation and certain holidays. He never took most of them, which honestly felt like a relief, because I was equal parts terrified of him and equal parts afraid of my “real” family thinking I had any sort of fun with him or affection for him. I wanted to please them. I wanted them to love me. I wanted them to forgive me for being his daughter. I tried to earn it, but never felt I could. He eventually remarried when I was 16, to a very nice lady. He attempted to be in my life more at that point, but he sugarcoated the past as though we had a relationship we didn’t have. We never spoke of his abuse of my mother until I was 27 years old. I wrote him a letter detailing my feelings about him, me, what he did to my mother, etc… He didn’t respond. When I confronted him a year later after he left me out of my grandmother’s (his mother’s) funeral, he denied everything and said I was crazy. We didn’t speak again for 5 years. I eventually reached out to him and we smoothed things over, at least on a polite, speaking terms level.
My mother, was cold and distant towards me most of my life. She would always comment how I was so much prettier, smarter than her and was always handed everything in life. As I became older, I thought I recognized a jealous tone in these statements, but it made no sense to me as I felt like the bad, ugly duckling most of the time, with few friends and generally just felt awkward and weird all the time. Different from and separate from everyone else. When I was bad, I was told that I was “just like him”. A few close, trusted friends and relatives are probably what saved me from going off the deep end, along with the love of my grandparents. I was academically and athletically gifted, but it seems like a ceiling was put over my head so that I never went very far or high. I was restricted to the house for months at a time for the smallest of transgressions. (i.e. grounded for 3 months for a single instance of “talking back”; each instance would add months of time; I was literally grounded from 7th grade through my senior year of high school). I began to struggle in school and socially, but no one ever made time to help me. Once my struggle became apparent, I was punished for the failures but no help was provided. I made the cut to be on the high school volleyball and softball teams and in the drama club, but wasn’t allowed to leave my house to go to practices or events after school. I was also not allowed to accept a ride from anyone else at school. I would find workarounds to let me participate and be normal, but the answer was always no. Eventually, I gave up asking to do anything. I loved my mother and wanted her to be proud of me. She never gave any indication of this. The rare times she was kind to me, was when I was suffering from illness. Sometimes I pretended to be ill so that she would be nice. At those times, I felt like she loved me.
My stepfather, married my mother just after my first birthday. He raised me as his own, sort of. I loved him as a father and I believe he did try, but has his own mental demons. He would sometimes defend me against my mother and that made them fight. He was unpredictable though, one minute he was my hero and the next he was an angry villain. I never knew which one he would be. They fought every weekend, when I was growing up. Every weekend was a knockdown, drag-out fight. Glasses thrown at each other’s heads, extremely mean words, threats to leave, etc… I am not exaggerating when I say this was every weekend of my life at home. If they weren’t at each other, they were at me. They would lecture me until 2 or 3 in the morning, with me sobbing and crying the whole time. I felt like a hostage that wasn’t allowed to go to bed until they had their say and “got through to me.” My grandmother would say they were being too hard on me and then they would exaggerate everything I was doing so that she would not take my side. After her death, I read an entry in her diary that said she hopes that I “get my life together”. Reading this gutted me to my core.
When I try to talk of any of this, I am told that it didn’t happen, that I am exaggerating, they had it so much worse than me, they were protecting me, he didn’t have to raise me but did anyway so I should be grateful. So much more to add, but this is the gist of it. Sometimes I feel crazy. What if they are right?
It has affected me so much. I am not the wife, student, employee, friend that I know I can be and should be. I feel like this holds me back. It causes me stress almost every second of every day. I want to get better and get past this, but any healing I do seems only temporary.
B3, no they are not right! I don’t know you, but from the way you write, I can tell you are very intelligent and perceptive person. Unfortunately, you have been shaped by so much negativity, that it has taken away your self worth and respect. You are so much better than that! Don’t let your toxic past shape your future because you are the only one who can take control. I’m speaking from experience. I have decided that in order for me to grow and be better, I need to cut toes with my parents. It’s probably one of the hardest decisions I’ve made. Alyhough my emotions are still very raw, I feel freer in a way. This article and thread has made me feel so much more confident in my decision and has validated my feelings. I truly hope you heal because you sounds like such a wonderful person, worth every breath.
I think you are worth of true love respect and compassion. The fact is that one should first provide it to oneself before others learn that you don’t have to acept abusive of selfish behaviour ever. The weight of these spiritual scars are latent everyday, but whoever produced them in us don’t deserve to continue eating our healthy energy and true healing needs to be allowed by ourselves. Professional counselors may educate your self talk anf give you tools to clean up that unfair baggage. Best wishes to you, and remember to always learn to choose carefully who enters your life and what do they truly want from you.
Hi B3,
Although my experience hasn’t been as bad as yours but very similar I would say. One incident out of many violent ones that I clearly remember is my mom slitting her wrists and my father rushing her to the hospital with me and telling the doctor “my wife is mentally unstable”. He must have thought that I was too young to remember, but it’s something I can never forget. My parents because of their own problems never got to know me. I could never be myself around them a hundred percent. I felt like every move of mine had to be controlled. I’ve decided to move out and I feel it will be a great way to create space where I can heal myself. My parents have always taken extra care when I was unwell. Other times I’ve just been made to feel miserable and like a loser. It has affected my work as well, where I find it hard to communicate properly because I fear making mistakes which often gets me into trouble. Reading this thread has made me feel so much better. It’s a relief to know that I wasn’t wrong and that there are so many people out there who feel the same.
This article and all of these comments resonate so much with me. I’m 34 and I feel so sad because it’s got to a point where I no longer respect my mother due to her toxicity. Whilst growing up I always thought that the problem was with me, but now I understand that her put downs and constant criticisms were due to her own issues and not mine.
I look at her and hope and wish that I don’t grow up to be like her, which is such a sad feeling and truly breaks my heart.
I am now engaged and my fiancé fully supports me and has seen how she can be, and he understands how worried I am about turning into her. The feeling of never being good enough is something I would not want to pass onto my future children.
Letting go is simply not an option for me because at the end of the day, I still love my mother but I still hope that she will wake up and realise the emotional pain that she causes to myself and my father.
Now I distance myself from her a bit, but I also can’t let go fully, because I would not want to leave my father to deal with her by himself.
Hi Cici, at 34 I felt the exact same way. I was so afraid of turning into my mother, and unfortunately, parts of me are very much like her. I couldn’t let go however, and just kept forgiving. However, at 40, I’ve realized that it’s best to let go and really try to focus on myself, be better and resist becoming toxic to my own kiddos. It sounds like your dad is a good guy, which is great! I personally have 2 toxic parents who feed off each other. My dad is spineless and even though sees the manipulation and control, he’s been under my mother’s spell for so long, that I don’t think he knows any different. But unfortunately, his inability to stand up to my mom, has earned him the status of a toxic parent as well. I have severed ties with both of them. It’s just very new for me bc this just happened last week, and my emotions are still very raw, but it’s 1 day/time. Good luck, and I hope your relationship with your mom takes a healing and healthy turn.
This is so very hard, I think the hardness of it all is actually holding on rather then letting go, today I have decided to let go and see where it leads, where ever it leads may be better then here, as at the moment, here feels like hell, a battlefield, a place I do not know nor understand nor even where I want nor need to be, it is time to set myself free.
After reading all of your stories, there’s a comfort in people who can relate to your experiences. I’ve always felt something wasn’t right or normal in my childhood. Thank you, all of you, for sharing such personal, deep emotions. It’s one thing to think of how you feel but entirely another saying it out loud. I’ve wised up long ago not to keep a private journal, my mother read my last one when I was 29 and used it against me in every fight. My private thoughts are mine, they belong to me and I have a right to my private thoughts and feelings. So do all of you! Remember that! You own your life, not your parents.
My mum read my diaries and although I once loved writing a mental block stops me from revealing my true feeling and thoughts on paper even thought I know it helps to write it down. I walked away from my toxic selfish mum 12 years ago but she has left a very deep scar on my soul. I try to treat my three kids with love, compassion and humor and I have a beautiful family I can’t seem to emotionally let go though. There is only my brother and father left of my family and I thing she finally turned his head. I speak to my dad but he lives abroad. Sometimes you feel like although you have your family ( hubby & kids) you miss a childhood love you never had. Walking away was the best thing to do no doubts! But getting over it is an ongoing thing for sure! Ps I am so glad I read this page it helps me understand a little more 🙂
Hi,
I want to say thank you for your comment as it gives me the courage to express myself out in the open, which is something I struggle with. To talk about my childhood, I grew up in an environment where my father and mother would constantly fight with each other to the point where my mother would push my father to become violent. I was made to sit and watch and pick sides, which I never wanted to. My father would always criticise me and tell me how useless and worthless I was, that I wouldn’t do anything in my life. I’ve turned 27 and till this date when he gets angry because he thinks he’s losing control over my life, I can’t answer him back because I feel guilty and there’s a huge lump in my throat. I always feel bad about not standing my ground later. I also feel it’s got a lot to do with my culture. Being an Indian, if you don’t agree with what your parents have to say then you are disrespecting them. My mother being at the recieving end of her bad marriage always wanted me to reassure her and make her feel better. The concept of space and boundaries doesn’t exist even to this date. I was always made fun of, compared to other children, controlled and ridiculed. My choices were always seen as bad choices. For most part I grew up feeling confused, as I thought maybe the problem lies in me or maybe it’s just my age, because every time I would try to let my parents know that their reactions and judgement was hurtful they would laugh it off and treat me like I am being melodramatic. I’ve always had a tough time expressing myself anywhere and I get scared very easily. I’ve started now to identify the negative reactions that I have to things which are exactly like my parents’ and trying to change that to have a happier and healthier life. I don’t hate my parents because it won’t change a thing. I’ve just turned more inward and started to think more about my happiness and not feel guilty if my decisions make my parents unhappy. I am still struggling with it and it’s very hard for me, I’ve had many failed relationships but I’m trying to mend these negative control patterns passed down to me.
Hi mini
My childhood was exactly the same – watching parents fight and then thinking that this was the correct behaviour to solve any issues. I too have had many failed relationships, so you are not alone. If you are able to put some distance between you and your parents, this may help. Stay strong, and keep working on your self-esteem and confidence, and you will win in the end. I wish you joy and love in your life. Louise
Hi Mini, I can really relate to you as I am Indian too but only just realised that all the problems in my life are because of my toxic mother and I am 44….!!!!
Bottom line is she does not know how to love…I have been struggling with depression since last winter and prior to this I have always felt like there is something wrong with me. I found it very difficult to communicate openly with anyone as I always felt judged and have absolutely no self esteem.! I have suffered with work and friendships because of this.
Over the last couple of months I have tried to distance myself a little but when I see my mother I can’t help but put her in her place. She has discussed this with my dad and my sisters telling them that I am rude to her and making her feel depressed so they would tell me and then I would be the one that felt bad. She is so nasty but I also know deep down that she does not know how to be any other way!
As an Indian it is really hard to distance yourself as family is a huge part of our culture but I know my mother will never change and I want to live a happy life.
So good to find this group to know you are not alone.
Thank you for this! I’m 36 and just now realizing how toxic my mother is to me and my sister. It’s been years of emotional abuse, guilt trips, manipulation, constant belittling and pitting me and my sister against each other. She can be so sweet and nice, especially around other people, but mean, cruel and horrible the next. I’m always left feeling that I owe her and will forever owe her. For what?! Being born? I didn’t ask for that. She needs constant attention from people and doesn’t care about anyone else’s needs. If I or my sister have a problem whether medical or life in general, she always makes it about herself. I’ve never had self-esteem, or trusting relationships until I found my husband. He’s the exact opposite of everything I’ve ever known. She tries to manipulate him too and gets angry at him because he won’t allow it. I also have a 7 year old daughter and terrified of ever doing to her what my mother has done to me. She has a toxic relationship with her own mother, it runs in the family, and for years I’ve pitied her but enough is enough. I’ve walked away and through with it all! I control my life now, she can’t use me as her beating post anymore.
Hi CL, I feel the same way about my own mother, only that she pits me against 3 sisters (not just one.) My mother also had a horrible relationship with her own father, and I know she hated him. But unfortunately for me, she didn’t try to be a better parent. I think toxic parents didn’t not realize they are toxic to their kids. They are so narcissistic that it’s always about them. It’s a great thing you have found a supportive and loving person to lift you up. My husband is the same way, and I’m grateful. I also have 2 children and I’m desperately trying to not be the toxic parent my parents were. Unfortunately, some of my behaviors have been very similar, but I’m consciously trying to prevent that from happening ever again. My worst fear is my children growing up and hating me because I damaged them emotionally. But I will not let that happen, and learn from the past. Anyway, good luck to you!
What is it with mothers with four girls?
My mother was everything you described. She demanded that we listen to her every problem, small things that consumed hours to dissect. What someone said to her at work, how a friend talked to her on the phone. The small stuff of life that seems big late at night or when fatigue mounts, when most adults say to themselves: It will be better tomorrow. Or at least, I’ll call a friend, a relative, another adult. She did not.
She would sit at dinner hectoring us, and sometimes, afterward, come into my room and go on and on. She talked and talked and if I tried to bring up a concern of my own, she looked at me blank-faced and said some aphorism like, “Kill them with kindness.” Which I thought was wisdom, but I think now was just a put-off since she ended the conversation immediately thereafter and I remember feeling hurt and unsatisfied and angry and bad, because she was my mother and I was supposed to feel good around her.
Her favorite topic was my father. She insisted I listen to letters she wrote him demanding $ or demeaning him. I told her time and again that I felt torn loyalty when she forced me into that role and she would call me selfish. Sometimes she’d get really worked up and launch into her default criticism: I had a bad personality and would never make it in the world.
Of course, she had her better moments. Which is why I tried every which way to listen to her, make her feel better, and felt selfish when I wasn’t able to listen enough or say the exact right thing. To this day, I am so susceptible to needy people. I am sure if I listen long enough they will appreciate me and listen to me! Foolish me. I am working on that.
I only realized after my mother died how little I missed her, how much she had infected my mind, and how her legacy was infusing my sisters with all her negativity. They parrot all of her criticisms. If I were on the outside listening to their take on me, I wouldn’t like me very much either. And for a while, I did listen. And I didn’t like me very much. I’ve now cut my sisters out of my life, and it’s been liberating. Sad because there is a hole. But the hole is better than the negativity and I am working to fill it with other stuff little by little.
I too am working my utmost to not inflict this treatment on my kids. I try to be gentle, a listener, upbeat, thoughtful. I remove myself when I am not up to being my best and let my husband take over. I try, try, try. I mess up (too often) and curse myself. But then I try again. If I can do the opposite, I will have succeeded, I think.
Hi CL!
I relate with you so much in your relationship with your mom. I too, went no contact after my first son was born last year. It was the hardest, most gut wrenching thing I’ve ever done – to break from her chains. I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss the warm, loving and caring parts of her. I miss her smell. I’m still riddled with so much guilt, I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of her. Yet, everyday I remind myself of all the reasons why I went no contact. The gossip, manipulation, victimizing, constant drama and petty fights – she made no room for me emotionally. Everything was always about her, is always about her. Pinning my brother and I against each other, now my son doesn’t have an uncle. I had to. I felt no other way out – For my sanity, for my happiness, for my son, for my family. My mom is very manipulative, a narcissist. Since I tried to explain to her how hurt and the pain she caused me – she has made up lies, spread rumors on Facebook, contacted family members on our side and my Husbands side of the family as well (spreading more rumors). She will not stop. I have been dragged and I don’t have any ounce of fight left in me because at the end of the day, it has been the happiest time of my life living under my own control, not hers, enjoying being a mother to my son and not having to seek her approval, validation, etc.
My mom is at the lowest point in her life. No friends, not a good marriage, gossips about everyone, has no hobbies, sleeps all day, has health problems, constantly asks for help with money and takes advantage of people, etc. she will never make the effort to make her life better and it was exhausting. Any achievement or success my husband and i had felt like it had to be diminished or not celebrated because of their current failures – that we couldn’t succeed without carrying their weight. That our success means we should give give and give to them: it was always about money with my mom. It’s exhausting. Not being able to live for yourself and constantly worry about the weight of other people. I could go on and on.. but I won’t bore you. I’m sue you catch my drift! It’s hard these days.. raising children and missing someone you know is so toxic for you. I always look at my son and think of her. I feel like I’m robbing them both of so much. It’s so sad how the children are left feeling so much burden from going no contact bc society and culture makes us out to be the bad guys for doing it. I am now pregnant with my second and I hope I can stay strong. I want to be the best mom possible. My worst fear is to cause my children any emotional neglect or pain.
Thanks for listening and thank you all for your input! So so grateful to connect with you all x
I’m just drained, again I’ve allowed my toxic mom to insult and belittle me again. I’ve made an informed decision this time around at 40 years of age, that I’m breaking up with her. I feel the anxiety,slight depression and feelings of helplessness. I am sticking to my decision. No more contact with her and my siblings,which of course ,are on her side.
Wow I have tried to do this and it has been so hard for me because of the whole concept of a mother loving her baby the moment in time that changes a women’s life. How did u come to the decision she didn’t love you just trying to figure out why my own mom doesn’t love me. Thanks
A toxic mother has her favourite kid/s. You know she doesn’t love you when your opinions or life choices are ridiculed and she gangs up with your siblings and they gossip and ridicule your life. At first you tell them everything that’s going on in your life,thinking they are family. One day you disagree with mommy dearest and she insults you with all that you’ve shared with her about your life, then it will dawn on you regarding the perception she has of you. Not any of the siblings are bold enough to confront her or defend you. Mommy then continues to have a tight ,close relationship with your other siblings. They visit each other, spend Christmas together. You’re just never invited. The siblings on her side seem like they are under her spell. As for you, you’re sidelined cos you refused to live life on her terms. Of course to mommy, your life choices are bad for you and you will need her someday (this she will scream on top of her lungs) and that you’re nothing without her. She is a LIAR! Life is great without her. Slowly getting used to making your own choices and be responsible for the consequences. It’s freedom at last.
Oh my gosh, this is me too
Show do I deal with my mother telling me I’m not her daughter anymore and calls all kinds of names in the book and carries the past with her and I’ve tried many of time to be a daughter to her but she does this all the time every two yrs when it’s me and her she fakes the smile and went to her office of the apartment and ct me cause I’ve liked to her like she didn’t lie too us when we were kids
Omg, I just read your reply to Normie, and honestly, BS, you and I seem to have the exact same thing going on. I also have siblings (3 other women to be exact) and they are exactly how yours are. They always complain about my mother and hate her at times, but are not brave enough to say enough is enough, because they are under her spell. Well, I broke away from it, and my toxic family dynamic to begin with. 2 of my sisters I never really truly got along with so I will not miss the loss of my friendship/sister ship with them as much as my other one. She, however, is too much under my morher’s control and spell, for me to truly trust her. It’s so dang sad because aren’t we all supposed to have loving and supportive families??! Why did we get so unlucky in family? But honestly, I don’t care for a pity party because I have my own family, and should really just learn from padt mistakes, and try to be a better parent to my own children.
me too. thank you for posting
My story too!
I feel the EXACT same way. At 40, I just decided last week to cut off my relationship with my super toxic parents. I feel all the feelings you mentioned as well. It’s just sad that it had to come to this, but for self preservation, it’s probably the most important decision thus far. I also did it because I have children of my own and I was seeing the same control my parents always exercised over me, they were doing it to them, too ( and me, at the same time.) I just want to be a better parent to my children because, in part, I have behaved the exact same way my toxic parents did. I want to break the mold, and for me, that means breaking away from them for good.
I know how hard that is. I suffered from a spiteful toxic mother for years and because she was my mother I felt obligated to keep her in my life. I am released when she died. I am now suffering toxic treatment from my sister and have decided to put her out of my life for good. It is very liberating.
Hello
I would just like to say what a great website this is. I am also affected by these things and I am working my way through it. The one comment I wanted to make, and OK this will require for people to believe in reincarnation.
This may not be that difficult as almost half this planet believes in it (hindus, the buddhists, the sikhs).
So anyway, the way they view life means that its not as simple as going no contact with a sister, a mother or whoever we have depended on, or have an abusive dynamics with.
These things run deeper than that, so a way to “work off karma” is hypnotherapy that addresses the subconscious where the damage was done in the brain.
There are many ways to go about this, the key is that these things run deeper and can be fixed to a large extent.
Also, just because I believe that most people misunderstand what karma is, my understanding of karma is that we overdo or underdo something which then comes back and bites us on the arse.
We can overdo a good thing as well. So its not all about being bad and being made to suffer for it. It is about balance.
Western medicine also uses hypnotherapy but they dont always look at past lives, although some therapists are qualified to do that as well, and one does not have to believe in it for it to work.
Building on what is good and pooling knowledge and resources together from different cultures is a good thing and is the future.
Instead of the wars and the fighting we have now, people will be working together and sharing knowledge and experience.
I am now 63 years old and have hardly gone a day without thinking of what my parents did to me, largely to protect themselves. They have ruined my life. My father has died but he leaves a legacy and have enlisted my siblings to carry on the abose through money, power, dominance. They continue to manipulate through covert means if not outright insults. I am single, childless and trying to take care of myself financially. I expect some day i will be committed to hospice housing, if there is any available. Ive lived a life of running scared and dont know who to trust. Any advice is welcome. Ps, my patents were very well off
check out adult children of alcoholics. it changes lives.
I am now an adult,,,I was sexually abused right under my parents nose for 4 years while they enjoyed their alcohol infused time. I am now 47 and it hit me like an s.o.b after many years of being able to keep it down,,,,time to cut ties because I know it will never fly.
I can so relate to this. I’m 62, same everything else: present circumstances and the parental motivations and consequences of said behavior. What is working for me is to create and maintain a distance (psychologically as well as geographically if possible,) not expect more out of myself than I have to cheerfully give, and to work on being content with what I have. An attitude of, “this is the hand I have been dealt, now what can I do to be happy therein.” Forgive, and realize you can’t change them, or the past.
Kaw, Your life is not over! You can still change things around for your self. I’m 55 and also childless and coping with narcissistic parents and siblings. The advice in here is good. Try and work on some small item each day.
It is never too late. I definitely recommend a good therapist — look for one who mentions attachment theory, and/or family systems therapy. Otherwise, meditation, learning to connect with and have empathy for your inner child, and doing things with other people who make you feel good. Go to a support group, something you find on Meetup.com, or some other group activity, and commit to do it regularly.
I realized when my mother told me I was too stupid to say anything against her I had to let her go , I was 18 then . I’m 21 now it’s been the single most freeing emotion for me . Never looked back .
This is great! I gew up with horribly toxic parents who tried to manage my life and my own family’s lives! I was so happy the day my parent’s died!
Well, my father is dead and my mother is still alive. I can only think about the day that bitch is dead too. I hate her in so many uncountable ways, she ruined my life and she does not know what love, trust or support is. I imagine how it would have been to have loving and caring parents, but it is just a dream. She lives with me right now and I cannot way for the day she finally sets me free. I love your comment because is sincere and BS free.
I’m 32 years old, heavily pregnant, and will give birth soon.
I have an awesome husband, my career was great too, and I have lots of great best friends who are very kind to me. My husband’s family (parents and siblings) are great too. Everything is perfect, only my problem in life is my very toxic parents.
I got out of the house when I was 18, before that maybe I could say I was also raised by my lovely late grandma and late uncle (from my mom side), but my toxic parents were always there.
My dad, was in jail for some times, no one trust him, he was also a drug addict. He never had/ have a good job, he is a lazy man. He had mistress, irresponsible, he likes gambling, he is a con artist, he trick so many people in terms of money, he is a liar. When my grandma died, he and my mom waste ALL of her heritage.
My mom always abuse me verbally, always want me to pity her life, to listen to her story, she does not have any good activities, she will just gossip about everyone’s life, she is not happy when I’m happy (when I tell happy things in my life through message, she just wont response!). She does not have any friends, her extended family don’t really like her, samebgoes to my dad. I don’t live in the same country with them, but they still manage to hurt me.
For years I finance them, but they are so ungrateful, and so lazy. Once my mom told me that I should keep financing them because they are too lazy to work, so I should help them. One day I stop financing them, just give them money occasionally, and they are not happy about it. They said I’m cheap bastard, ungrateful, because my husband is really good with his career, so what they see is just I have a gold tree (it’s not fair for my husband). They abuse me with their attitude and words.
I’m going to have a child, I’m so worry I will turn out to be like them to my child. I’m asian and like asian people in general, due to cultural thing, I can’t cut connection with them. Otherwise, I’m a bad bad child.
Could anybode give advise what am I supposed to do?
Good for you for recognizing you want to be a different kind of parent. I would look for some local parenting classes at local health centers or community centers. Also, there are many good books on parenting that you can get at your library , bookshop, or on line. Parenting is a skill and can be learned, even if your own parents never taught you. I bet you will be a great parent!
No need to wait for your parents to actually pass away, consider them gone. Block them out, they don’t deserve your love or support, they didn’t give it to you. You are clearly not like your parents! Embrace your new family (husband, his parents and siblings and most of all your baby!) and let them embrace you. Pick the things that you like about your culture and be proud of them. Leave behind the parts that don’t make sense to you. It is OK, you are not a bad daughter, you had the misfortune to have broken parents. I agree with Amy on the parenting books, classes and magazines. Good luck and best wishes. PS if you feel that you need permission, you at least have mine, and probably everyone elses that read your story. Give it to yourself ! You and your baby deserve it.
Oh, and topics you might want to look for in parenting books are “attunement” and “secure attachment.”
Me too! While my siblings didn’t have the same toxic experience I did – it’s important for me to honor my own experience.
When both parents finally died, I felt free. Now, decades later, I’m still cleaning up the mess my parents left me with. I still find myself trying to “work out” their lack of parenting in my own behaviors and self-worth.
Mine have not yet but you have no idea how important hearing this from someone means,thank you!