Anxiety is a normal response to something dangerous or stressful. It becomes a problem when it shows up at unexpected times and takes a particularly firm hold. When anxiety is in full swing, it feels awful. Awful enough that anticipation of the feeling is enough in itself to cause anxiety. Anxiety in kids can be especially confusing , not only for the ones who are feeling anxious, but also for the adults who care about them.
We already know that anxiety has nothing to do with strength, courage or character. It picks a target and it switches on.
When that target is a child or teen, it can be particularly distressing, causing problems with sleeping, eating and missed school from unexplained illnesses such as sick tummies or headaches.
One of the worst things about anxiety in kids is the way it can happen without any identifiable cause. The physical feeling is familiar – that panicked feeling that comes when you miss a stair or as my daughter recently described, ‘that feeling you get when you’re almost asleep and you feel like you’re falling.’ (‘Yes, we’ve dealt with it in our home too. It’s under control now, so I can assure you this works.)
The good news is that anxiety in kids is very treatable and they are particularly responsive. I often think we don’t give them enough credit. They’re so open to possibility, and very quick to make the right connections when they’re given the right information and support. As the adult in their lives, you’re the perfect one to give it.
Anxiety in Kids and Teens: Turning it Around
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Don’t talk them out of it.
As a parent, the temptation is to reassure your child with gentle comments in the way of, ‘There’s nothing to worry about,’ or ‘You’ll be fine‘.
This comes from the purest of intentions but it runs the risk of them feeling as though there’s something wrong with them. The truth is that when anxiety has a hold of them, they can no sooner stop worrying than fly to the moon. As much as they want to believe you, their brains just won’t let them.
What they need to hear is that you get it. Ask them what it feels like for them. They may or may not be able to articulate – and that’s okay. Then, ask if it’s ‘like that feeling you get when you miss a stair,’ (or ‘that feeling you get when you feel like you’re falling in your sleep’). Often, this in itself is such a relief because ‘someone gets it.’
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Normalise.
Explain that:
•. Anxiety is normal and everyone experiences anxiety at some time in their life – before an exam, when meeting new people, going for an interview or starting at a new school.
• Sometimes it happens for no reason at all. That’s also normal. It happens to lots of adults and lots of kids but there are things you can do to make it go away.
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Explain why anxiety feels like it does.
Out of everything, this is perhaps the most powerful intervention for anyone with anxiety. Anxiety in kids causes the most problems when it seems to come on without any real trigger. There’s a reason for this, and understanding the reason is key to managing the anxiety.
Here is a child-friendly explanation. I’ve used it for a variety of ages, but nobody knows your child like you do so adjust it to suit.
‘Anxiety is something that lots of people get but it feels different for everyone. Anxiety in kids is common, and lots of adults get it too. It happens because there’s a part of your brain that thinks there’s something it needs to protect you from. The part of the brain is called the amygdala. It’s not very big and it’s shaped like an almond.
It switches on when it thinks you’re in danger, so really it’s like your own fierce warrior, there to protect you. It’s job is to get you ready to run away from the danger or fight it. People call this ‘fight or flight’.
If your amygdala thinks there’s trouble, it will immediately give your body what it needs to be strong, fast and powerful. It will flood your body with oxygen, hormones and adrenaline that your body can use as fuel to power your muscles to run away or fight. It does this without even thinking. This happens so quickly and so automatically. The amygdala doesn’t take time to check anything out. It’s a doer not a thinker – all action and not a lot of thought.
If there is something dangerous – a wild dog you need to run away from, a fall you need to steady yourself from – then the amygdala is brilliant. Sometimes though, the amygdala thinks there’s a threat and fuels you up even though there’s actually nothing dangerous there at all.
Have you ever made toast that has got a bit burnt and set off the fire alarm? The fire alarm can’t tell the difference between smoke from a fire and smoke from burnt toast – and it doesn’t care. All it wants to do is let you know so you can get out of there. The amygdala works the same way. It can’t tell the difference between something that might hurt you, like a wild dog, and something that won’t, like being at a new school. Sometimes the amygdala just switches on before you even know what it’s switching on for. It’s always working hard to protect you – even when you don’t need protecting. It’s a doer not a thinker, remember, and this is how it keeps you safe.
If you don’t need to run away or fight for your life, there’s nothing to burn all that fuel – the oxygen, hormones and adrenalin – that the amygdala has flooded you with. It builds up and that’s the reason you feel like you do when you have anxiety. It’s like if you just keep pouring petrol into a car and never take the car for a drive.
So when the amygdala senses a threat it floods your body with oxygen, adrenaline and hormones that your body can use to fuel its fight or flight. When this happens:
♦ Your breathing changes from normal slow deep breaths to fast little breaths. Your body does this because your brain has told it to stop using up the oxygen for strong breaths and send it to the muscles to they can run or fight.
When this happens you might feel puffed or a bit breathless. You also might feel the blood rush to your face and your face become warm.
♦ If you don’t fight or flee, the oxygen builds up and the carbon dioxide drops.
This can make you feel dizzy or a bit confused.
♦ Your heart beats faster to get the oxygen around the body.
Your heart can feel like it’s racing and you might feel sick.
♦ Fuel gets sent to your arms (in case they need to fight) and your legs (in case they need to flee).
Your arms and legs might tense up or your muscles might feel tight.
♦ Your body cools itself down (by sweating) so it doesn’t overheat if it has to fight or flee
You might feel a bit sweaty.
♦ Your digestive system – the part of the body that gets the nutrients from the food you eat – shuts down so that the fuel it was using to digest your food can be used by your arms and legs in case you have to fight or flee. (Don’t worry though – it won’t stay shut down for long.)
You might feel like you have butterflies in your tummy. You might also feel sick, as though you’re going to vomit, and your mouth might feel a bit dry.
As you can see, there are very real reasons for your body feeling the way it does when you have anxiety. It’s all because your amygdala – that fierce warrior part of your brain – is trying to protect you by getting your body ready to fight or flee. Problem is – there’s nothing to fight or flee. Don’t worry though, there are things we can do about this.’
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Explain how common anxiety in kids is.
Anxiety in kids is common. About 1 in 8 kids have struggled with anxiety – so let them know that in their class, there’s a good chance that 3 or 4 other kids would know exactly what they’re going through because they’ve been through it before. Maybe they’re going through it right now.
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Give it a name.
‘Now that you understand that your anxiety feelings come from the ‘heroic warrior’ part of your brain, let’s give it a name.’ Let your child pick the name and ask them what they think of when they picture it. This will help them to feel as though something else is the problem, not them. It also demystifies their anxiety. Rather than it being a nameless, faceless ‘thing’ that gets in their way, it’s something contained – with a name and a look.
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Now get them into position.
‘The problem with anxiety is that [whatever their ‘heroic warrior’ is called – for the moment, let’s say, ‘Zep’] Zep is calling all the shots but we know that you’re really the boss. Zep actually thinks it’s protecting you, so what you need to do is let it know that you’ve got this and that it can relax. When you get those anxious feelings, that means Zep is taking over and getting ready to keep you safe. It doesn’t think about it at all – it just jumps in and goes for it. What you need to do is to let it know that you’re okay.
The most powerful thing you can do to make yourself the boss of your brain again is breathe. It sounds so simple – and it is. Part of the reason you feel as you do is because your breathing has gone from strong and slow and deep to quick and shallow. That type of breathing changes the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide in your body. Once your breathing is under control, Zep will stop thinking he has to protect you and he’ll settle back down. Then, really quickly after that, you’ll stop feeling the way you do.’
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And breathe.
Breathe deeply and slowly. Hold your breath just for a second between breathing in and breathing out. Make sure the breath is going right down into your belly – not just into your chest. You can tell because your belly will be moving. Do this about 5 to 10 times.
Practice before bed every day. Remember that Zep, the warrior part of your brain, has been protecting you for your entire life so it might take a little bit of practice to convince Zep to relax. But keep practicing and you’ll be really good at it in no time. You and that warrior part of your brain will be buddies – but with you in control.One way to practice is by putting a soft toy on your child’s belly when they lie down. If the toy is moving up and down, their breathing is perfect.
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Practice mindfulness.
An abundance of scientific research has demonstrated the profound effects of mindfulness. MRI studies have shown that practicing mindfulness increases the density of gray matter in the brain, providing relief and protection from stress, anxiety and depression. See here for more information.
Mindfulness doesn’t have to be complicated. Essentially, it’s being aware of the present moment, and there are plenty of fun ways introduce children to mindfulness.
Start by explaining that anxiety comes about because of worry about the future and what might happen. Sometimes these thoughts happen in the background – we don’t even know they’re there. Mindfulness helps you to have control over your brain so you can stop it from worrying about things it doesn’t need to. It trains your brain to stay in the here and now. The brain is like a muscle and the more you exercise it the stronger it gets.
It sounds easy enough but minds quite like to wander so staying in the moment can take some practice. Here’s the how:
- Close your eyes and notice your breathing. How does the air feel as you draw it inside you? Notice the sensation of the air, or your belly rising and falling. Notice your heart beating. If your mind starts to wander, come back to this.
- Now, what can you hear? What can you feel outside of you and inside your body? If your mind starts to wander, focus on your breathing again.
Remember that anxiety in kids is very treatable but it might take time. Explain to your child that his or her very clever and very protective brain might need some convincing that just because it thinks there’s trouble coming, doesn’t mean there is. Keep practising and they’ll get there.
A Book for Kids About Anxiety …
‘Hey Warrior’ is a book for children to help them understand anxiety and to find their ‘brave’. It explains why anxiety feels the way it does, and it will teach them how they can ‘be the boss of their brain’ during anxiety, to feel calm. It’s not always enough to tell kids what to do – they need to understand why it works. Hey Warrior does this, giving explanations in a fun, simple, way that helps things make sense in a, ‘Oh so that’s how that works!’ kind of way, alongside gorgeous illustrations. (See here for the trailer.)
Thank you, for the pep talk. I’all try some of those techniques. I’m doing the breathing now.
This is a light in the dark for me. We have been trying to deal with our boy and his anxiety doing thing all the wrong way. Cant wait to try this new approach. thanks for all your help.
Great article. I can’t wait to share with my daughter.
So should I take my son to see the doctor for aneitxy? Or is there anything they can do for him?
Sherri there is so much you can do for him! Read the articles on this link as a guide https://www.heysigmund.com/category/with-kids/anxiety-in-kids-and-teens/ and also these videos https://www.heysigmund.com/category/with-kids/anxiety-videos-for-kids/. If you are at all worried, speak to a counsellor or psychologist. Anxiety is very manageable.
I loved it when you said that instead of telling the child that they will be okay, it is much better to ask them about it as it helps them vent out their fear and give them the idea that someone gets them. My sister is yet to express that she afraid of needles, but I will prepare just in case. After all, this is the first time she will get a flu shot, and the both of us do not know what to expect.
My nine year old daughter just started with a feeling in her tummy 3 weeks ago. At first we thought it was genuine illness, but realized it is strongest before school. It’s a battle to get her to school. We have taken her for a session with a counsellor and got her the ‘when you worry too much’ book. She is ok once she gets to school, but we cannot get her to try any calming strategies in the morning. She refuses and continually says ‘that won’t work’. We have resorted to threats to get her to go to apts, but don’t feel good about that. Her anxiety and strong-willed personality are a tough combo.
My nine year old daughter just started with a feeling in her tummy 3 weeks ago. At first we thought it was genuine illness, but realized it is strongest before school. It’s a battle to get her to school. We have taken her for a session with a counsellor and got her the ‘when you worry too much’ book. She is ok once she gets to school, but we cannot get her to try any calming strategies in the morning. She refuses and continually says ‘that won’t work’. We have resorted to threats to get her to go to apts, but don’t feel good about that. Her anxiety and strong-willed personality are a tough combo.
An anxious brain is a very busy and very strong-willed brain. Try the calming strategies a few times when she is calm, such as before bedtime. During anxiety, it’s more difficult for the brain to try unfamiliar strategies because it’s laser focussed on staying alive and safe from ‘threat’. Try to set up a bedtime ritual, and try the calming strategies before she falls asleep. Mindfulness, grounding, and hot cocoa breathing are all great things to try. It might also be helpful to change tack, and rather than threatening her, try getting up close and cozy with her anxieties so she can feel as though you really understand her. ‘I can see how difficult it is for you to go to school. It feels scary for you – do I have that right?’ Then, hand the power over to her. The more you resist or push her, the more her anxious brain will think you don’t get it, and the more it will push back. One of the jobs of anxiety or any emotion is to recruit support. If you’re the one who is feeling the resistance, you’re the recruit. When you see her fears, let her know that you see them, that you understand them, and then redirect her towards brave behaviour. Validation is a little bit of magic – we all need to feel heard and seen – it’s how we feel safe.
Our 7 year old is very anxious about doctor’s appointments. She gets very worked up and cries every time she has to give blood or have a shot, even though after she often says it didn’t hurt that badly. I don’t really know when this started or why. She had to start going to the dr quite a bit around 4 for reflux amd allergy issues. Even when she’s sick now she begs me not to call the dr or make her go bc she may do a blood test. Sometimes she will ramdomly ask if we are going to the doctor that day out of nowhere like she’s not sick or anything.
We go to an allergy clinic out of state and have some specialist apts an hour away, and we don’t tell her til day of the apt or she will worry up until the day comes. But I also fear that makes her anxious sometimes if she doesn’t know where we’re going that we’re surprising her w a doctors visit. She will say the doctor is mean for giving her a shot or says she can’t have certain foods (she has food allergies) orwhatever and doesn’t care that it is for her health.
She is likely going to have a scope done and have a gi dr apt in a couple weeks. Should we keep her in the room for the convo w the doctor and let her know about it ahead of time? I am not sure how to handle it amd worry she would obsess about it and be anxious for days or weeks leading up to the procedure.
I had blood drawn every 3 mo as a child for anemia and had tonsils out w no issue so I’m not sure why it is such an issue for her. I know other kids who have lots of drs apts and it is no big deal for them. Any advice appreciated!
The problem with not preparing here is that it can drive her anxiety more in more situations if she loses trust and starts anticipating trouble. When she has to see a doctor, let her know beforehand, but in addition to that, try the stepladder approach in this article. Let her know you understand why she feels scared. It’s important that she feels as though you get it, then move her towards brave behaviour. The stepladder is a gentle way to do this.
Great article. My child was diagnosed with anxiety at age 7. Our success in gaining coping skills for anxiety management came through a support plan with teachers and a therapist. The therapist helped my child learn how to manage anxiety by first, explaining “the switch”. It definitely helped give my child perspective to what was happening in the brain and how to be in control of thoughts and feelings. I’m hear to say the switch concept really does work. Also, Parents/caregivers need to know they can ask for school testing around these social emotional anxiety issues. it’s extremely important to have meetings with teachers to come up with a plan to help support children with anxiety. My child has a entry and exit plan for going to school. Having a plan for day at school helps reduce the anxiety and having a safe person to talk to at school also helps. My child is really thriving now at school and can articulate his fears. The hard work it took in creating a support system has been well worth it.
Advocate, advocate, advocate for your child.
My 7 year old son just started showing signs of anxiety about three weeks ago, out of the blue. He has been fine going to school or leaving us for any reason. He started out by crying and saying his throat hurt really bad, yet nothing was wrong with his throat. He had no fever, no redness, etc… I even took him to the doctor after I had to go pick him up from school because he was just beside himself and there was nothing the teachers could do to calm him down. Again, nothing wrong with his throat.
This has been so difficult for me to wrap my head around and I keep looking for anything that may have triggered this, but I cannot seem to think of anything. It breaks my heart to see him like this and not know why it is happening. This is the same school he has been at since kinder with no other problems ever. I have also noticed him twirling his hair, for lack of a better way to describe it, and so has his teacher.
He has since opened up a little and keeps saying that he misses me and he is afraid something will happen to me and his dad and we will never come back. I reassure him that is not the case and that we love him so much. We are not going anywhere. Am I harming him by the constant reassurance I give him, and the extra hugs I give him? Someone told me they think I am making it worse and feeding the problem. Is this true? Is it possible for me to make it worse? I make him stick to his routine, even when he doesn’t want to, he has to school even if he doesn’t want to . From what I have read keeping their routine the same is important. Not to feed into their fears. I thought that is what I was doing. Now I am concerned I am making it worse. I love him so much, and I will just be beside myself if I am making things worse for him.
My 2 and half year old daughter has been shutting down anytime my fiancee is in the house. She is putting her head down and not talking to me or my fiancee and holding her breathe. Not like closing her mouth and being goofy but like she is scared. But then the only person that can get her out of it is my fiancee. She will ask her whats wrong and she will breathe out loudly and then say she is better now. So She knows what she is doing is not good. This is a daily thing. We think it is anxiety but we just aren’t sure.
[…] quiero compartir este artículo sobre la Ansiedad en los Niños pues aplica para adultos también. Es un “ABC” para entender cómo funciona nuestro […]
My 7 year old daughter has anxiety all of a sudden about brushing her teeth. She did have a traumatic incident where a ball knocked her front tooth out (it was loose prior to that). The weird part is that she will brush that tooth. She gets so upset having to brush her bottom front teeth to the point where she is beside herself and almost makes herself sick. She has no loose teeth on the bottom in the front, where she is afraid to brush. I don’t know what to do for her. I know she has anxiety because last year she had a fear of the ‘drain’ in the bath tub. She got over that fear (after months and months). I don’t know how I can get her to brush her teeth. I’ve tried everything. Has anyone had something similar like this with their kids?
Can you relate this towards adults and teens as well? I truly believe this has a very positive impact towards and unto our youth. Thank you.
Yes, absolutely. The process is the same for adults, teens and children.
My 10 year old son recently got very upset and said that he doesn’t feel like he’s in his body, like he’s in dream or asleep. He said he’d felt like this for a long time and had had enough of feeling like it. He’s a sociable boy who sleeps fine. He needs reassurance sometimes but generally seems very happy. So I’m unsure of whats wrong.
This may be a symptom of anxiety, but it is impossible to say without further assessment by a doctor who will be able to explore further and hopefully give you a better idea of what’s happening. Here is some information that may be useful https://www.anxietybc.com/parenting/derealization. See if it fits for your son. If it does, it’s nothing to worry about. As with any symptom of anxiety, when you control the anxiety, you control the symptoms. Outside support in the way of counselling of theray.
My 10 year old daughter has recently found out from some kids at school what ‘sex’ was and I don’t think she was ready for it. She has been asking lots of questions and I have been giving her answers without going into too much depth…….this was about 2 weeks ago….I don’t think she was ready for it because she has said that she can’t stop thinking about it and she has thought about hurting herself so she can get it out of her head……I panicked when she said that and I asked her if anybody had tried to touch her, she said definitely not and I believe her, she has always been very open and tells me so much, a lot more than my older daughter ever did……any suggestions please? She has always been a very deep thinker and diagnoses everything
It can be difficult when kids hear things from other kids before they hear it from us, and it can be difficult to know how much information to give them to help them feel safe and as though they have the information they need. The first step is to be clear on the information she has heard. What exactly did the other kids say and does it need clearing up or correcting? Next, find out how your daughter is making sense of the information. If you can, ask her what exactly she keeps thinking about and what happens to her when she thinks it. It sounds as though there is something which feels a bit frightening or overwhelming that she might not understand, or that she has made sense of in a frightening way. Let her know that it’s understandable that this might feel like big information for her, and that she can ask anything she wants. Wherever you can, try to normalise her reaction so she doesn’t feel shame around her thoughts or her reaction. Here is an article that might help https://www.heysigmund.com/kid-needs-know-age-age-guide-sex-education/. Cath Hakanson runs a great website called Sex Ed Rescue that helps parents with how to talk to kids about sex/puberty etc that might be helpful. You can find it here https://sexedrescue.com/. It’s great that your daughter is so open and honest with you. The key now is reducing any shame or frightening feelings she might have around the information she has heard and the thoughts she is thinking.
Hi Karen, My daughter (9) was introduced to your book during a recent session with her psychologist. Thank you for writing a book that she can finally relate to. She is bright for her age and I have searched to find something age appropriate that she thinks isn’t too babyish, your book is perfect for her.
I just have a question relating to breathing, my daughter finds focusing on her breathing increases her anxiety so we can’t really use it as a strategy to help calm her down, as it does the opposite. She simply can’t stand meditation either. Can you recommend another focus or strategy for her to try?
Hi Carmen, I’m so pleased to hear the book helped to make sense of things for your daughter. With regards to a strategy, has your daughter tried the Smiling Mind app? It’s a really great way to get started with mindfulness. This article was written for teens, but it will help to explain why mindfulness is so powerful for anxiety. https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-teens/ A strategy to try in the thick of anxiety is a grounding technique. Anxiety feels flighty because it’s from a brain that has been hauled into the future with ‘what-ifs’. The grounding technique helps to bring it back to the present, to find still and a sense of calm. To do this in the midst o anxiety, ask her, ‘What are five things you see.’ ‘What are four things you can hear.’ ‘What are three things you can smell’, ‘What are two things you can feel’, ‘What can you taste’. It doesn’t matter about the order, as long as the exercise worse to bring an anxious brain into the present to find calm. I hope this helps.
Hi Karen, I read this article and some of them that you linked to in the comments. I also ordered the book for my son. He will be 5 next week and started Kindergarten last week. He has been going to daycare and preschool since he was 6 months old and is used to be away from me. The first two days of Kindergarten the drop off went fine and he was emotionally stable and happy. On the third day I dropped him off, he walked into the schoolyard and he didn’t seem know what to do or where to go so he turned around at looked at me, and came running back to where I was standing at the fence. He cried and told me he didn’t want me to leave. His teacher came over and eventually he was able to go with his teacher and had a good day. We were then off for the weekend and when we got to the gate on Monday he wouldn’t even go inside, clamped on to my leg and refused. I had to walk him to the classroom and then pry him from my body to leave. It’s now been 3 days and each day has been the same. His teacher says that he recovers quickly, but yesterday when I picked him up the first thing he said to me is that other kids work looking at him when he was crying and it made him feel bad. I’m afraid that if we can’t break the cycle and make this an easier transition for him, it will make school, not just drop-off an anxiety provoking experience. When we pick him up we talk to him about his school day which he is genuinely excited about. He says he loves Kindergarten and wants more time in school. When he is calm we talk to him about being the boss of his brain and using his thoughts to help him overcome the scary feelings. Is there anything else we should be doing? I’m feeling discourage that the mornings seem to be getting worse not better despite our best efforts to coach him through it.
Cheri it sounds as though you are doing a great job managing this. It’s not unusual for kids your son’s age to have anxiety around school and being separation from a parent. When he is calm, talk about what school drop-offs will look like so he knows what to expect. ‘When we get to school I’ll walk you to your classroom, then you’ll go and to (the teacher), I’ll give you a hug and say goodbye.’ Also name what you see, ‘It can be hard to say goodbye can’t it. I wish I didn’t have to say goodbye. I know you can be brave though.’
Another idea is to try a stepladder. This article explains how that works https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-kids-and-teens-avoidance-brave-behaviour/ I hope the book is able to help him – it’s in him to be brave.
I have been up all hours for the last 5 months trying to figure out what is going on for my 6year old….
Finally I stumble across your article, WOW!!!! I can now completely understand what is going on and will use all the techniques you have talked about, I have been trying to comfort her, tell her to stop worrying and nothing I do seems to help, I’m exhausted, she’s exhausted not to mention how devastating it is to see your child so distressed- worst feeling in the world!!! I am going to perchase the book and start use all the practices you’ve talked about. Hopefully she can find some peace.
Thank you
I’m so pleased you found the article when you needed it! I completely understand how exhausting anxiety can be for everyone. It’s so awful watching them struggle. I’m so pleased you’ve ordered the book and I hope it is able to give your gorgeous girl the wisdom and comfort she needs to move forward.
My 7 years old boy is going through a terrible, totally out of control and desperate type of 2-3 minutes of a state about once every week where he screams at the top of his lungs, bites something as hard as he can or something similar. This state is followed by some thought/mention related to God, creation of his world, existence of humans etc.
It started when he was 6 but from last week he has said somethings after which I am seeking help and looking for a psychologist for him too- while in this state when I was driving with him in the car he once said that he wished he could jump out of the car and at another time he said he wanted to stab himself with the pen lying in front of him. These things were said in a very frantic and desperate way.
I will take him to a psychologist in a few days but would love to hear your thoughts about this crisis that we are in.
There are many things this could be indicative of, and it’s not possible to say without a proper assessment. It certainly may be anxiety, but it’s important to make sure there is nothing else driving your son’s behaviour. You are doing the right thing taking your son to a psychologist. Once you know what you are dealing with, you will be able to give him the support he needs to move him forward.
My 4 year old daughter has been complaining about not be able to stop thinking bad thoughts such as “Don’t walk in the street” or “You are a bad girl”. She talks about her brain and says its mean and it won’t leave her alone. She has always had separation anxiety, and general anxieties towards new people and activities. She rarely sleeps through the night without waking up crying, and we have gone to our pediatrician and they were hesitant to diagnose her, saying that she might grow out of it. There are times that she even seems to go to a depressive state, since she starts being angry for no reason (her own words) and can’t stop her brain making her feel bad. Any thoughts on how to help her would be much appreciated.
Angie it’s great that your daughter can put words to what she is feeling! If you can, try to put the explanation in this article into words she can understand. The idea is to let her know that her brain doesn’t mean to be mean, even though it can feel that way, but that it’s worried there is something that might hurt her. It doesn’t mean there is something that will hurt her – it’s just that her brain is working a little too hard to keep her safe ‘just in case’, so it’s warning her of danger when there is actually no danger there. This will take a few conversations, and that’s okay. Here is an article about anxiety in younger kids and how to help them through it https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-very-young-kids-11-ways-to-make-a-difference/
Anxiety can certainly show itself as anger sometimes. It’s the ‘fight’ part of the fight or flight response. Here is an article that will explain that https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-or-aggression-children/.
There is so much research that has shown mindfulness is a really powerful way to help strengthen and protect the brain against anxiety. Here is an article that explains how that works https://www.heysigmund.com/overcoming-anxiety-mindfulness/ and here are some fun ways to do it https://www.heysigmund.com/mindfulness-for-children-fun-effective-ways-to-strengthen-mind-body-spirit/. I hope this helps your daughter to feel stronger against her anxiety.
My 14 year old girl has social anxiety, has had all of her life, but the last month she has physically been unable to go to school through anxiety attacks. The last month she has become worse, she admits to not liking herself, hating her body. I have been doing some research and she shows signs of Autism. Do you have any advice on this please?
Unfortunately I don’t have any information on this, but if you’re worried, it would certainly be best to speak with a doctor or therapist for advice. The symptoms you have described don’t point to autism, but a doctor or therapist will be able to do a proper assessment and see what might be happening.
Hello, my 3 year old daughter has always been a great sleeper , she’s slept all night from 2 months old and she sleeps from about 9:30 pm to 10 am everyday (if I let her, she goes to preschool so she usually gets up at 8:30) for the past 2 months she has been saying there is monsters in her room. She fights us on going to sleep saying she’s scared, she’s slept in a big girl bed with no problems since she was 2 . We have 2 sounds machines, a lamp, a Ana and Elsa night light and ceiling projector which she knows how to use all of them. We put her to bed and sometimes she is already asleep and she immediately goes over and turns her bedroom light on . Then she falls asleep again, we go in a few times and shut it off and every time we do she wakes up within the hour and turns it back on. At first I thought it was a phase with the monsters I feel like all kids go they that but it’s starting to affect her sleep health and I don’t know what to do to help her. I have always had really bad anxiety as well as OCD. My dad traveled my whole life so I slept in my parents bed with my mom until I was 7 . They put a tv in my bedroom and I was finally able to sleep in my own room almost every night .. My husband and I have always slept with the Tv on, I’ve always been terrified of the dark. I just don’t know if this is something I have created in her or not and how to help her
It’s not at all unusual for kids your daughter’s age to be scared of the dark. It sounds as though this is really starting to get in the way though. If she has noticed that you always have some sort of light (from the tv) it’s understandable that sleeping in the dark might not feel normal to her. This is okay – it’s something you can work with. Here is an article with some ideas you might be able to try https://www.heysigmund.com/phobias-and-fears-in-children/.
All of us go through sleep cycles during the night. When we’re cycling out of deep sleep, we’ll start to drift into lighter sleep, but most of us don’t wake up completely or if we do, we can put ourselves back to sleep very quickly. Sometimes so quickly that we won’t even remember waking up. If you can, try to have the room when she falls asleep as close to what it will be during the night if she wakes up. Tather than staying asleep or putting herself back to sleep before she wakes up too much during the night (as she comes out of a sleep cycle), she’s waking up completely to put the room back to the way it was when she fell asleep. The trick will be getting her to fall asleep in the room when it is a little darker. As she gets older, there will be more ways to deal with this (the stepladder approach in the article I’ve linked to will be good to try when she is able to work with you on it), but in the meantime anything you can do to bring the environment she falls asleep in closer to the way it will be when she wakes up might be helpful. Here is another article that might have some ideas https://www.heysigmund.com/getting-kids-to-go-to-sleep-and-stay-asleep/. Other things to try might be having a softer night light she can leave on all night, or changing the bulb in the big bedroom light to be less brighter so she can leave it on all night. Obviously this will make it difficult to do things in her room at night because it won’t be well lit, but it might be a way to get her into the habit. If you do try something, be patient. It can take a while to undo a sleep habit and create a new one. It doesn’t have to happen all at once though, and any progress will be good progress.
Karen, I am enjoying reading your replies. Your first link doesn’t show up on this one. Many thanks.
Thanks for letting me know. I’m not sure which link though. Are you are able to give me a little more info?
In the last sentence of the first paragraph in your reply to Stephanie above, you say “Here is an article …” but I can’t see the article.
Kind regards
Got it – thanks for pointing it out. I’ve fixed the link in the comment, but it’s this one here https://www.heysigmund.com/phobias-and-fears-in-children/.
I wish I had read this when I was younger. I’ve had several bouts of anxiety — panic attacks when out are not fun! My son is a very anxious child as well; definitely going to use this with him.
Very interesting article. It helps to explain things by phrasing it as a part of your brain that thinks that there’s something it needs to protect you from.
I have a 14 year old daughter in middle school who was diagnosed with ADHD back in 1st grade. We have tried to be proactive in her treatment to try and prevent any issues as she grew but it has been a struggle. We have been to different doctors and therapists over the years with limited success. She has shown some signs of nervousness in elementary school and difficulty making friends. Therapists have discounted it as being an introvert but once she started middle school I have seen an increase in anxiety and behaviors that go beyond just being an introvert. She has withdrawn from us as a family unit and has opted out of doing some family activities like going out to eat or the movies or watching a movie with us at home. She refuses to sit on the couch as if it is disgusting and will sometimes put a couch pillow on the kitchen or dining room chair so that she is not directly sitting on the chair. Often she will refuse to sit even at dinner time. She spends a lot of time in her room and is not motivated to contact friends. She appears to have some inconsistent germophobe issues which has led to the extreme of wearing Ziploc bags on her hands to frequently washing her hands. But at other times she will run her fingers in dust or draw pictures on the dirty car window and seem to be fine. She has developed some food issues too where she stopped bringing lunch to school but she also will not eat the school lunch unless it is a particular item. She has placed restrictions on what she is willing to eat in a restaurant. She went from doing the traditional hamburger, pizza, chicken fingers to saying that she is not hungry or only wanting to eat chips and salsa. She has developed curly hair as she got older which she hates but she is resistant to getting her hair cut for fear that it will make her hair even curlier so it has been over a year since her last hair cut and she freaks out at the mention of going to a hairdresser. When she was younger you could take her to the hairdresser with no issues. Now she refuses and says that it is her hair. But is it really getting long (not at her but yet but in 1 year it will be) and the more hair she has, the more she has to take care of. She has also developed a strange association with clothing. She has limited her tolerance for clothes to wearing only 3 pairs of yoga type pants and a few t-shirts. The other clothes she hides in the bottom of her clothes hamper. As soon as she gets home from school she gets undressed and wears an oversized t-shirt that she uses as a nightgown. On weekends it we do not go out she does not even bother to get dressed. She will only tell you that she does it for comfort. She always has the door closed and yells at us when we ask her to come out to talk. When we do try to talk to her she either yells or tries to leave the room especially when it is a topics like school or chores or personal hygiene. She freaks out if we need to go in her room and there have been times that if we have knocked on her door because she did not answer us, she later obsessively cleans her door because we touched the door. We have had to hide the cleaner bottles or pledge because she has gone thru entire bottles in 1 day.
One of the big problems is that she is a teenager and thru school has been educated on disabilities such as ADHD, autism, anxiety, etc. But instead of this making her more aware of her own situation, it has made her more resistant to accepting help or other treatments. She does not give any feedback to her therapist and says that everything is fine and she even tries to convince her therapist that I am saying that there is something wrong with her and she asks her therapist to tell me that she is ok. She does not give any feedback to the NP who administers her ADHD meds and I fear that she would be resistant in taking a pill for anxiety. She hates it when people imply that she is anxious or nervous. So in some ways she may be getting in her own way for proper treatment. Many times I have wanted to throw in the towel but I keep feeling that there is something out there that will help her. I have 4 more years to help her prepare for life after high school with hopes that things can get better for her so she can become successful and happy. I just met with her pediatrician and she said that it sounds like her anxiety is causing my daughter to put up walls and the longer it continues the more walls she will put up. She recommended seeing the adolescent medicine group at one of the major hospitals near us in order to have a combined approach to her treatment but with one doctor who will be a main contact person who will work with a team to help treat the ADHD, anxiety, meds, food issues and therapy. I’ve been looking for this kind of approach for a while now. I have an appointment sent up for March so wish me luck. I do want my daughter to be on the path to become a happy and healthy adult.
It sounds as though you are a wonderful support for your daughter. She is at an age where it is becomes so important not to feel different. This may be influencing your daughter to reject any support and to put up the walls – she doesn’t want there to be anything about her that stands out, or that makes her feel different to her peers. This is really normal during adolescence.
The behaviours you describe are consistent with anxiety, but they sound especially intrusive. In the meantime, it’s important not to support her without supporting her anxiety. You want to avoid her learning that the only way to stay safe is to avoid certain situations or engage in certain behaviours. The brain learns through experience, for better or worse.
Anxiety is triggered whenever the brain thinks that there might be threat, so it’s understandable that it may be triggered by the threat of anxiety (anxiety about the anxiety) or by the threat of people realising that there is something ‘different’ about her. It’s very normal for teens to become so self-conscious, and so focussed on and worried about what other people are thinking. There’s nothing wrong with this until it starts to cause problems. It’s actually an important part of their development and it happens to support their transition from dependence on the family to independence, which to some extent will rely on feeling some sort of connection with peers. It’s just important to be aware of the level of self-consciousness they might be feeling and the impact this might have on their behaviour.
During adolescence, it’s also not unusual for kids to start to pull away from their families. One of the main developmental goals of adolescence is to establish independence from the family. For some adolescents, this can come out as a massive push against the family. Sometimes, the closer a child was to a parent when they were younger, the harder the push will be. It’s normal and it’s okay and doesn’t need to be fixed. They come back again when they have established their independence, but it might take a few years. Here is an article that will explain some of things going on for your daughter (because of adolescence) that will hopefully give a little more context to the behaviours you are seeing https://www.heysigmund.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-the-adolescent-brai/
Keep working with her therapist. It’s important that your daughter receives the support she needs so she can learn to manage her anxiety before it becomes more intrusive. It’s also important, wherever you can, that the family doesn’t change the environment to adapt to her anxiety. I understand how difficult this can be but your therapist can support you through this.
For a while, try focussing on the positive and unique things about her. Here is an article that talks about the positives that can come with an ‘anxious brain’. It might give you some ideas on where to shift the focus https://www.heysigmund.com/kids-with-anxiety-need-to-know/. It’s pitched at younger kids, but it’s still relevant for all ages. What we focus on is what becomes powerful, so if you can, try to switch the focus from her anxiety and what needs to change, to the positives. I know this can be difficult, because it’s also important to nurture her in the right direction and point out when things need changing, but if this isn’t working, it’s time to try a different approach.
Here is another article about teens and anxiety and the things they can do to strengthen their brain against anxiety https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-teens/. I hope this helps. It’s also not unusual for anxiety to get worse during adolescence for a while. Anything skills your daughter can learn to strengthen herself against anxiety (explained in the article) will hold her strong moving forward. They are great skills and practices for any adolescent – anxiety or no anxiety, so maybe don’t suggest it as a way to manage her anxiety, but as a way to feel stronger and happier generally. It sounds as though she is in very wonderful hands with you and the team of specialists.
My husband and I are very conscious about trying to emphasize the positives whenever we can. I am almost becoming over conscious when ever I have to bring up something negative to my daughter and I dread doing it but unfortunately as she is trying to deal with the her life since she hit the middle school years, she still needs to be held accountable for school work and things like personal hygiene and doing chores. We tell her good job when she gets anything over a 70% but there are times when we need to address when any assignments are missing or late or when she gets a failing grade. She was at the point that we could not get her to take a shower or brush her teeth. Her therapist has me doing a personal hygiene chart for her and she is doing it because she is very prize motivated but it kills me that I am paying her an allowance of sort to do something that she should want to do for herself. But I am doing it. At times we are in a no win situation. She isolates herself from us and stays in her room with the door locked for the majority of the time that she is home, only coming out for short periods of time to eat. That really limits the opportunities to have conversations with her so we can use positive feedback with her. She has no hobbies or activities that she participates in that we can give her praise for. She looks to her tablet for company. She has a friend in school but needs strong encouragement to call her to make plans otherwise she makes no attempt to have friendships. She often only thinks that we are being negative so she does not pay attention to the times that we give her praise. But we cannot ignore the issues that need to be addressed because she does need to get thru school and to take care of her body. We always feel like we are summoning her from her bedroom because she is never in the common areas of the house to have spontaneous conversations. We’ll never know how she is feeling about different issues because she does not talk about it and she does not reveal anything to her therapist. I would be feeling more ok with the situation if she had some peers that she were connecting with but that is not really happening.
I had to respond to you because we have gone through similar with our daughter. She has been diagnosed with OCD which is an anxiety disorder. Jr high was so crazy because we didn’t know what was going on. In her freshman year we took her to a psychiatrist who enlightened us. She went through a program to help with the OCD issues. She is on anti anxiety meds. Which help to certain extent. The two most helpful things were: One, the Dr. ordered thorough testing at the Hospital for her shortness of breath. It was determined that there was no physical problem. This was a huge comfort to my daughter to know it was anxiety and she wasn’t going to die.
The second most helpful thing was to learn that my daughter is NOT her OCD. She is a kind, smart, beautiful person. We notice this and remark on this. This is not based on what she achieves just who she is.
It’s great that she goes to therapy, but it may be helpful for you all to go to someone who specializes in anxiety disorders and can help you understand what is happening to her. She may not want to socialize because she feels so out of control and doesn’t want her peers to know. I wish you all the best on this road to understanding. You are not alone.
Seems like more than just straight forward anxiety….has she been diagnosed with OCD? Can you request an eval by your school psychologist or has that already been done? Is she in special education?
Hello,
My daughter just turned 9. All of a sudden, she is making herself sick at bedtime. When I ask what is going on, she says she feels weird. With more prying, it seems that she is thinking about throwing up to the point it is almost making her sick. She’s shaking and nauseous, head over a trash can. The first time it happened, the boy she sits next to at school was feeling sick all day, which made her feel sick. Now, it’s happening on a nightly basis, but nothing has happened during the day. She’s fine all day, then at bedtime, she starts in again. Should she see a child psychologist? We can’t go through this every night.
Carrie it sounds as though your daughter may be getting anxious at bedtime. The memory of how she felt the night before will be enough to trigger the memory and the feelings. Talk to her about what might be happening using the strategies in the article. Speak to her about why it’s important for her to take strong, deep breaths when she gets the feeling that she is going to vomit (it will calm her nervous system). The information will help her to understand what it happening, and will help to make the physical feelings less scary for her.
I am not a professional expert, but I have gained experience with this issue because we as a family have lived this issue for ten years now. Our oldest daughter is 24 years old and began having these issues her 8th grade year after having a bladder infection that caused her to lose continence during a math class. We didn’t connect the dots at the time, but hind sight now tells me that was a catalyst for it.
Her headaches and dizziness has completely incapacitated her two different times in our lives. She has been wheelchair bound, has appeared mentally challenged, and it has reaked havoc on her eating habits. We went to many neurologist and children’s hospitals and even Mayo clinic nine years ago in search of help, but to no avail-big waste of time and money, but I know as a parent you feel so helpless and everyone around you think they have the answer with “their” doctor and you jump in hopes that they will have the answer, but nothing has helped. She continues to see a therapist, but her father and I don’t think that is helping either, but she does so we let her go. She currently, is managing, but we just had an “episode” (that’s what we call them now) and she doesn’t even remember it happened. We are sure anxiety brought it on because we were at an amusement park and she is very large and was unable to buckle for the ride so had to get off and that is just the kind of thing to trigger anxiety.
Our youngest is 17 and showing some of the same signs, so we definately think there is some sort of genetic connection, but neither her father or I suffer, but somewhere in our combined DNA it helps fuel the issue. Her issues has manifested itself through sleep problems. Just like another individual in the comments, our daughter has had issues sleeping in her bed. Nobody can touch her bed and she has to take a shower right before she goes to bed, she wipes her feet with paper towels before getting into her bed.
I have recently become a believer that diet plays a huge role, but unfortunately our girls are both old enough that they have more control on their diet then I do and their diet choices are awful, so until they choose to make changes, our suffering probably isn’t going to change, but if I had to do things over again when our daughter was 12, I definately would “clean” out our dietary components, but no one gave us that advise and at first we feared she was dying or leaving us a “normal” child from some abnormal disease, so I let her do and eat whatever she wanted just to experience some fun and joy—BIG MISTAKE!!!!
I would love to be able to share some “magic bullet” that has worked for us, but unfortunately I have not found it and believe me, we have searched. Stress and anxiety are definately a part of life, but unfortunately in our children’s lives they have been like an uncurable disesase that no one sees or believes. I feel everyones pain and I ache for you. The journey is long and hard and it definately will have lasting affects on your family. Thankfully my husband and I have weathered the storm, but hold on, the ride is rough!!!
Nadeen, my heart aches for you and what you have endured. I relate to your story in so many ways. My son 13years has had sleeping issues till he turned 8 years and has to have a shower every night. He will not allow anything to be put in his room all he has is a bed and everything we have tried to introduce to his room is now very secure in his cupboard. Since he was 2 we have had to cater for strange routines to save the challenge of a tantrum. We have recently cut out certain routines of eating chips and nuggets after swimming to eating eggs on toast at home, this has been great. At one stage over a period of 5 years we were eating at a local cafe twice if not three times a week, this I have also managed to completely turn around with great effort. I have taken your advice on the dietary bit and will endeavour to be very careful in future. Stress and anxiety are playing a role in our life and family relationships are being tested.
Nadean, bladder infections can be linked with h-pylori infection or connection tissue disorder like Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. I have commented above also. I hope this might help.
Great article. Thank you. Can you elaborate on the following though because I think it’s important to understand:
…Sometimes though, the amygdala thinks there’s a threat and fuels you up even though there’s actually nothing dangerous there at all. …
Why would that happen? There must be something that triggers the amygdala. Why else would it become active? Assuming something “scares” a child e.g. presenting in front of class, writing a test, ….
I think it would be helpful to explain to a child why it is feeling this way although there is no danger really.
Could it be that the amygdala overreacts to something that causes the child to feel anxious about?
An anxious brain is a strong, healthy brain, but one that is a little overprotective. This might happen for all sorts of reasons – perhaps because of a memory that generalises and creates anxiety about unrelated events, there might be anxiety about the anxiety (worried about feeling the physical feelings that come with anxiety – racey heart, sick tummy etc) or the intrusion of ‘what-ifs’ (e.g. ‘what if you forget to pick me up from school’/ ‘what if something happens to you while I’m at school?’). Sometimes it might not be clear what the anxiety is about. This might be because the reasons are out of awareness, or because the child doesn’t have a clear handle on them. The the point is that even though it feels as though there is something to be worried about, this doesn’t mean that there is. Here is an article that might help to explain things a bit more https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-why-the-worry/. Hope this clears thing up a little more for you.
Yes, great article. Thanks so much!
Hi.. I think it’s this concept of a perceived threat.. sometimes we are feeling worried because we had a bad experience or were anxious in a certain situation before.. so even though there’s not necessarily something for your amygdala to need to react to, it may be something as simple as the memory of an event that make us feel anxious
My 13 yr old son keeps telling me almost everyday that he feels sick. I think it’s anxiety but he doesn’t because he said it happens when he doesn’t feel anxious. I told him people can still have anxiety when they have nothing to be anxious about. He gets nauseous and dizzy and shaky a lot, so I don’t know but it’s got to be anxiety, right? He also has headaches often. He thinks he needs to eat something everytime but most of the time he already has.
Heather the symptoms you are describing certainly sound like anxiety. Anxiety can feel so strong when it hits, that it can be hard to believe it happens for no reason – that’s one of the awful things about anxiety. If your son feels as though eating something is right for him, this is a great thing – it means that he may have found a way to self-soothe and feel better, even if he doesn’t see it that way. Here is an article specifically for teens with anxiety https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-teens/. It helps to explain what’s happening in their brains and what they can do to help protect themselves against anxiety. Hope it helps.
Nausea, feeling dizzy and shaky, plus hunger pangs are all on the symptoms list for h-pylori infection (very common), which can exist in the body for decades before diagnosis. Doctors are often focused on prescribing pharmaceutical drugs (as per their training) before ruling this out. It’s well worth asking if your son can have the stool test for it (he will be given a test tube to take home and needs to add a fingernail size sample to return for analysis). Nb. that h-pylori infection also leads to B12 malabsorption. Testing is highly recommended (and seeing the result for yourself) before action, as again, doctors commonly aren’t informed that supplementing can skew the test, and also that the test is unreliable, ie. as per medical literature, they are supposed to treat according to symptoms, rather than result.
I hope this helps.
My happy-go-lucky 5 year daughter LOVED going to school…until she fell going up the stairs to the slide on the playground last monday. She scrapped her shin, it bled, she cried & went to the nurse for a bandage. She wouldn’t let us remove the giant bandage to access the damage because it would hurt to pull off her skin due to the stickiness of the band-aid. That night she talked about not wanting to go to school the next day for fear it will hurt when she runs. I ignored her pleas and told her she was going to school no matter what. The next morning she was so anxious, her tummy was hurting and she started to panic so we let her stay home. I feel like that was a huge mistake. she was fine once she knew she was staying home. That night again she worried about going to school the next day. Wednesday morning came around and was a repeat of the morning before. But we made her go to school. Her concerns are this…I don’t want people to ask me if I’m ok (because of the tears in her eyes for having to be at school), she’s worried about falling again & she doesn’t want to participate in PE. We asked the PE teacher to allow her to sit out (again, probably another mistake). Thursday came & another repeat of every morning thus far. This time she said her tummy felt sick & not anxious like it did the other days so I worried she could have a tummy bug (tis the season) so I let her stay home. But as soon as she knew she wasn’t going to school, she was fine. Friday came, another episode, but we made her go to school. Everyday she comes home she says her days have been good. We just finished the weekend where she did great at home & anywhere we went. This morning came & she had a more severe reaction then before doubling over saying her belly hurts & saying “I can’t do this, I don’t think I can do this”. I’ve tried reaching out to the counselor but haven’t heard back. I’m just not sure how I should be handling this at home. Any advice would be great!
It can be so difficult to know what to do when our little people seem to be not well, and are struggling to make it to school. It’s really understandable that your daughter is worried about going back to school. It might take her time to feel okay about going back, and that’s okay. Talk with her about her anxiety so that she can have some understanding of what is causing her sick tummy and her worries. Let her know that it’s really normal for people to be worried about going back into a situation in which they have previously themselves. If you can talk to her about a time this happened for you, that would also be reassuring for her.
She’s still young and she’s still understanding her big feelings, and how to manage them when they happen. If you can start to explain that just because she feels scared, and is thinking scary thoughts (I might hurt myself again), she can act brave. Thoughts, feelings and behaviour don’t have to match. This is an important lesson for kids to learn, and it can take a while for them to understand. Let her know that when she thinks she can’t do it, it’s the ‘fierce warrior’ part of her brain trying to protect her, even though she doesn’t need protecting. When she feels this, strong deep breathing is a way to be the boss of her worried brain again and stop it from feeling so anxious (it actually calms the nervous system and will start to neutralise her fight or flight response). You might need to encourage her to practice her strong, deep breathing when she is calm so she can find it easier to do when she is anxious. Here is another article that might help https://www.heysigmund.com/building-emotional-intelligence-what-to-say-to-children-with-anxiety/.
Wow Valerie that literally sounds like my story, my daughter was 7, now been going on for 3 months and seems to be getting worse, I’ll sort one problem for her to then find another, it’s horrible and seems like the impossible task
I have the same thing happen to me I fell the same way I’m infith grade and any thing that will help would be great:( 🙂
Have you talked to your parents about how you’re feeling?
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Nov 24
karenyoung_heysigmund
Boundaries aren`t requests we make of them. They`re the actions we take to keep them (and everyone else involved) physically safe, relationally safe, and to preserve values when they aren`t able to.
The rule: Phones in the basket at 5pm.
The boundary: (What I`m going to do when you`re having trouble with the rule.)
`Okay - I can see you`re having trouble popping your phone in the basket. I`m just going to sit beside you as a reminder that it`s time. Take your time. I`ll just watch over your shoulder until you`re ready. So who are we texting? What are we watching?`
Or:
`I know you hate this rule. It`s okay to be annoyed. It`s not okay to yell. I`m not going to listen while you`re yelling.`
Then, `This phones in the basket thing is chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. We`ll see how we go tomorrow and if it`s bumpy, we`ll shift to phones in the basket from 4:30pm. Let`s see how we go.`
It`s not a punishment or a threat. It`s also not about what they do, but about what we do to lead the situation into a better place.
Of course, this doesn`t always mean we`ll hold the boundary with a calm and clear head. It certainly doesn`t mean that. We`re human and sometimes we`ll lose our own minds as though they weren`t ours to own. Ugh. Been there too many times. That`s okay - this is an opportunity to model humility, repair, self-compassion. What`s important is that we repair the relational rupture as soon as we can. This might sound like, `I`m sorry I yelled. That must have been confusing for you - me yelling at you to stop yelling. Let`s try that again.`❤️
Nov 18
karenyoung_heysigmund
Boundaries are about what WE do to preserve physical safety, relational safety, and values. They aren’t about punishment. They’re the consequences that make sense as a way to put everything right again and restore calm and safety.
When someone is in the midst of big feelings or big behaviour, they (as with all of us when we’re steamy) have limited capacity to lead the situation into a better place.
Because of this, rather than focusing on what we need them to do, shift the focus on what we can do to lead back to calm.
This might sound like:
The rule (what we want them to do): Phones go in the basket at 5pm.
The boundary (what we do when the rule is broken), with love and leadership: ‘I can see you’re having trouble letting go of your phone. That’s okay - I’m just going to sit beside you until you’re ready. Take your time. You’re not in trouble. I’ll just stay here and watch over your shoulder until you’re done.’
Or …
‘I can see this phones in the basket process is dragging out and chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. If that keeps happening I’ll be starting this process at 4pm instead of 5pm.’
And if there’s a bit of spice in their response, part of being a reliable, sturdy leader is also being able to lead them through that. Even if on the inside you feel like you’re about to explode 🤯 (we’ve all been there), the posture is ‘I can handle this, and I can handle you.’ This might sound like,
‘Yep you’re probably going to have a bit to say about it. That’s okay - I don’t need you to agree with me. I know it’s annoying - and it’s happening.’
‘I won’t listen when you’re speaking to me like this. Take your time though. Get it out of you and then we can get on with the evening.’
Then, when the spicy has gone, that’s the time to talk about what’s happened. ‘You’re such a great kid. I know you know it’s not okay to talk to me like that. How are we going to put this right? Let’s yet 5pm again tomorrow and see how we go. If it causes trouble we’ll start earlier. I actually think we’ll be okay though.’♥️
Nov 10
karenyoung_heysigmund
So ready to get started with ‘Hey Little Warrior’ in Melbourne. This is my fourth time this year presenting this workshop in Melbourne and we sell out every time.
So what do we do here?! We dive into how to support young children with anxiety. It’s my favourite thing to talk about. I love it. Even more than whether or not I want dessert. We talk about new ways to work with anxiety in littles so they can feel braver and bigger in the presence of it. This workshop is loaded with practical strategies. I love presenting this workshop.
(And yes - always yes to dessert. As if I would ever skip the most important meal of the day. Pffftt.)
@compass_australia
Oct 27
karenyoung_heysigmund
They’re often called sensory preferences, but they’re sensory needs.
In our adult worlds we can move our bodies and ourselves to seek regulation. If we don’t like noise we’re less likely to be DJs for example. If we don’t love heights we’re less likely to be pilots or skydivers. If we feel overwhelmed, we can step outside, go into an office, go to the bathroom, or pop on headphones for a break. If we need to move, we can stand, walk to get a tea. At school, this is so much harder.
When bodies don’t feel safe, there will be anxiety. This will potentially drive fight (anger, tantrums), flight (avoidance, running away, movement), or shutdown (in quiet distress and can’t learn).
These are physiological issues NOT behavioural ones.
Whenever we can, we need to support physiological safety by accommodating sensory needs AND support brave behaviour. What’s tricky is disentangling anxiety driven by unmet sensory needs, from anxiety driven by brave behaviour.
The way through is to support their physiological needs, then move them towards brave behaviour.
Schools want to support this. They want all kids to be happy and the best they can be, but there will be a limit on their capacity to support this - not because they don’t want to, but because of a scarcity of resources.
There will often be many children with different physiological needs. Outside school there is nowhere else that has to accommodate so many individual needs, because as adults we won’t be drawn to environments that don’t feel okay. In contrast, school requires all kids to attend and stay regulated in the one environment.
For now, we don’t have a lot of options. Yes there are schools outside mainstream, and yes there is home school, but these options aren’t available to everyone.
So, until mainstream schools are supported with the resources (staff, spaces, small classes, less demand on curriculum … and the list goes on), what can we do?
- Help school with specific ways to support your child’s physiology while being mindful that teachers are also attending to the needs of 25+ other nervous systems. But be specific.
- Limit the list. Make this a ‘bare minimum needs’ list, not a ‘preferences’ one.♥️
Oct 20
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