Depression builds walls around people and between people. When someone you love has been dragged inside those walls, there can be a distance between you both that feels relentless. You miss them, but they’re right there beside you, except that they’re kind of not. Not in the way you both want to be anyway.
The symptoms of depression exist on a spectrum. All of them are normal human experiences, but in depression they’re intensified. Not everyone who has depression will have a formal diagnosis, so knowing what to watch out for can help to make sense of the changes you might notice.
Depression looks like a withdrawal. It feels that way too. It’s a withdrawal from everything that is enriching and life-giving. Depression sucks the life out of life. That’s how it feels. When depression bites, everything becomes hard. Life starts to hurt. Those who are bitten stop looking forward to things. They stop engaging and they stop enjoying things, even the things they used to love. They can feel hard to reach, and sometimes they can be angry or appear as though they don’t care. That isn’t because they want to withdraw from you or push you away, they don’t, although it can feel that way.
Here are some ways to fight for them, beside them and for the times the fight has to be theirs, behind them:
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Depression is never a choice.
If people with depression could be happy, they would be. Depression leaves people feeling as though they’ve been scooped out with a spoon. It’s a hijacking of everything that feels good. The hopelessness, emptiness and loneliness is relentless. If they knew how to be any other way, they would be.
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It’s okay to feel frustrated or angry.
The helplessness of loving someone with depression can be frustrating, exhausting and lonely. It’s okay to feel angry at times, or as though you want to throw your hands in the air and walk away. You’re human and when you love someone with depression, there will be times that you’ll be in the arena too, fighting the battle. Remember that you’re fighting a common enemy and it’s depression, not the person beside you. Try to see through the symptoms to the person you know, because they’re in there.
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Depression is a withdrawal, but not from you.
When you love someone with depression it can feel as though you’ve lost them for a while. The person you’ve always known and loved is still there, but they’ve withdrawn into themselves, away from the pain and hopelessness of it all, not away from you. It just feels like the safest place to be, but it doesn’t mean that they wouldn’t have you right there with them if they knew how to do that.
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You’re grieving too.
Depression steals people. If the depression has been around for long enough, you might feel a sense of grief. If you need to get angry, sad, or fall to your knees some days, that’s okay. You’re fighting a battle too. It’s okay to pull back to recharge now and then. Be kind to yourself and do something that replenishes you. Reach out to someone, but don’t lean on the person with depression. People with depression already see themselves as a burden, and anything that inflames that might cause them to withdraw even more.
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When nothing is as powerful as something.
People with depression won’t always have the words and will feel the burden of being with you when they don’t know what to say or do. Let them know that you love that version of them too – the one that has nothing to say, or plenty to say but no will to say it. Let them know that you’re there for them even if they don’t want to talk. Silence with someone can be lovely when you’re depleted. ‘You don’t have to be anyone different to who you are. You don’t need to change or pretend or put on a happy face. I love you and I’m here for you.’
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People with depression are strong.
People with depression are some of the strongest people I’ve met. They have to be. The pain and hopelessness of depression is immense and to keep existing day after day under the weight of that takes an almighty fight, fuelled by almighty strength and courage.
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What they’re doing makes sense.
We all have needs we can’t give up. They’re the big ones and they’re an inescapable part of being human – love, validation, respect, visibility, safety, influence, connection, appreciation, purpose. You know the ones. When one of these needs isn’t met, the temptation can be to push it down – to ‘depress’ it – to where it’s out of awareness and can’t cause trouble. But of course, any symptom whether physical or emotional will always cause trouble when it’s ignored. It takes the strength of a warrior to keep pushing things down, and getting on with life. Eventually, when people have been strong for too long the armour will crack. Depression hurts, but it makes sense. It’s a creative, adaptive withdrawal from a world that feels painful to be in.
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Being positive probably won’t work.
Reframing things positively is generally done with loving intent, but most likely it just won’t work. The messages that are sent with love will likely be received as ‘nobody understands’. For someone who is being caned by depression, there is no positive. Research has found that people who are already unhappy don’t want to be talked into the glossy view of life, they just want understanding. The view of reality is shaped by a lifetime of experience and sometimes, the way people see the world is exactly the way the world is for them. Trying to push against this can work against what you’re trying to do and intensify the loneliness and desperation of it all. Reframing things in a positive way is important, but it can’t be forced.
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So if positive is out, what then?
You don’t have to fix anything or change anything. If there was a way to do that, they would have done it themselves by now. Instead, acknowledge their pain, ‘I know this is really hard for you,’ and validate what they’re going through ‘I know you’re hurting. That’s understandable given what you’re going through’, or ‘I know you’re fighting a tough battle right now.’ Be the one who can be with them without having to change them. This will probably explode your own feelings of helplessness, but reworking things towards a positive angle will ease your helplessness, not theirs. That helplessness you’re feeling is the bit you’re doing together. So is the pain and the confusion of that. That’s what makes your love unconditional and your support something extraordinary.
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Try not to let the negative talk go on and on and on and on and …
It’s really important to hear people from where they are, but if the discussion of a negative thought goes on and on and on and starts to feel circular, it’s not good for anyone. It’s called rumination and it can make it harder to move through depression. Talk about it with them for sure, but try to persuade the conversation in a different direction after a while if you can.
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If you’re struggling for words, let those be the words.
There’s no need to gloss it up. The truth is that it’s hard to know what to say because there’s nothing that can take away the pain. Don’t worry about saying the ‘right’ thing, there is no right thing. Instead say the ‘real’ thing with love and an open heart. Share what you’re feeling, because chances are that they’re feeling it too. Common ground will shrink the distance between you. You might not be depressed, but chances are you’ll be feeling a lot of the things they’re feeling – sadness, confusion, frustration, helplessness, and the greatest wish that you knew how to make it better. ‘I wish that you weren’t in so much pain and I wish I knew how to soften things for you, but I don’t know how to do that. What I will do is be here for you for as long as it takes.’
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Ask them what you do that doesn’t help. And listen.
Depression can be different for everyone. You can’t be expected to know how to respond. Ask what they need from you and whether there’s something they need you to do differently. Be open to the response and don’t take it personally.
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Don’t ask them what they’re depressed about.
When people are sad they generally have an idea of why. Depression doesn’t always work like that. Sometimes people will be aware of what has triggered their depression, but sometimes it won’t be obvious. On paper, people with depression can look as though they have everything to be happy about – they can even believe that themselves – but depression doesn’t play by any rules.
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Try to initiate the things they used to love, that depression has stolen.
At a time when people need connection the most, depression forces distance. Do everything you can not to let it. Connection and positive feelings strengthen the brain against depression, and exercise can cause the same changes in the brain as antidepressants. The problem is that the very nature of depression will hold people back from doing any of these. Don’t wait for them to feel like doing things. They won’t. Their depression won’t let them. Depression is there to nurture withdrawal, remember. It does this by stealing motivation, and creating exhaustion. Be tender, gentle and loving and reintroduce them to life, connection, and positive feelings. You’re likely to get resistance, and a lot of it. Know that this isn’t personal and do what you can do anyway.
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Another reason to initiate.
Thoughts, feelings and behaviours are intimately connected. They tend to follow each other, so someone with depression will think depressed thoughts (‘Nothing makes a difference’; ‘I’m useless’), feel depressed feelings (pain, hopelessness, exhaustion) and this will drive depressed behaviour (withdrawal and a depressed mood). A change in one will eventually lead to the other but the change is unlikely come from the person with depression. Out of the three, thoughts and feelings are the toughest to change. They’re tenacious. This is why things like, ‘get over it’ or ‘it’s not that bad’ or ‘just try to be a bit positive, hey?’ won’t work. The best way is through their behavior, but you’ll have to be stronger than their depression. Initiate walks, dinners, holidays – anything that has the potential to create positive feelings. Take their hand and lead them there gently.
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They are not broken.
There is nothing abnormal about the symptoms of depression. They’re a very normal part of human experience, but with an intensity that’s relentless. We’ve all felt sad, disconnected, the need to withdraw, hopeless, helpless, exhausted, and as though the fun has faded for a while These are all common experiences, even if only fleetingly at times and from the kinder end of the spectrum. What makes these very human experiences lead to a diagnosis of depression is a question of degree. People with depression experience the same we all experience, but at a different intensity, duration, or cluster of symptoms.
Depression rarely takes hold of just one person. When depression settles into someone, helplessness, fear and sadness bleed through the walls it builds around that person and into the lives of those who love them. It’s exhausting for everyone. There is always a way through depression but it takes an almighty fight. You won’t always have it in you to fight alongside them and you won’t always know what to do but that’s okay – you don’t have to do any of that to fight for them. Few things are as powerful as human connection and anything you can do to nurture that will help to put back what depression strips away.
Thank You very much for this articel and also for finding a place of understanding.
I and my boyfriend are in a relationship for more than 7 years now. He suffers from deep depression. I know he has suicide thoughts, but lives for me, to not ruin my life if he would end his. I am thankfull that he lives, but feel as a chain putting him more down and holding him in the painfull life he lives. Unfortunately we have also other problems in our relationship, which are mainly caused due to healthproblems – specifically because of me we can´t have sex. We love each other, i know it, but it is really hard, when after such a long time we don´t see an improvement. Sometimes i think, there is no solution. I know i´am hurting him by not knowing enough about depression as an illnes. But sometimes i feel weak and need support, which he can´t give me. And although i understand it, at the same time it doesn´t chage the fact, that i need some support from him – otherwise i feel really alone and we have only each other. He doesn´t have any friends and i don´t have any, with whom i coult talk about depression. Unfotunatelly most people don´t try to help and see depression just as a burden and they then leave him, because they don´t want any negativity in their lives. i get it, but at the same time think a true friend won´t back down and leave. How can i get my boyfreind to see him with my eyes as an loveble man with many qualities? So his selfesteem would rise and he would feel better? He doesn´t approve of any psychologist or medication. I know i can´t push him, but i doesn´t have enough experience and knowedge to be of enough help to brake him free…
Hello RAIN, I know exactly where you’re coming from ,I am going through the same thing as you are. I have also been dating my boyfriend for six years he also suffers from depression,he isn’t in denial of it but doesn’t go get psychological help. See, he finally opened his eyes and ears about 4months ago and is no longer in denial but I think now he is on the next phase to where he doesn’t want nor can’t cope with the idea and still doesn’t get the correct help that he needs. He had mentioned to me about a month ago that he can’t believe that now he would have to live off of medication and see a psychiatrist for the rest of his life and that all this time he always thought this is just who he was and his personality but now he has to come to realization that that’s not who he is and he says he feels like he needs to start all over and I believe that made him more depressed. We are no longer together at this moment because he goes through a phase where he breaks up and comes back around and so on and so forth for the past four years. It’s not getting any better because he has no help but because he chooses not to .I’m always here for him when he does come back around but we cannot do anything for them other than to support them if we choose to be by your side. I have studied in depression by articles books and YouTube so that I can have tools to cope on a daily basis and to understand more where he comes from. Read the book Depression Fallout it help me see what other partners go through as well as understanding why he acts the way he does and tools that I can use. This article by Karen Young started my insight on depression it helped me and I took it upon myself to continue to study about it. I hope it helps you as it did for me .
My girlfriend and I have been off and on for the past 2 years. About 2 months ago she started to distance herself by always sleeping, or being on social media, or was busy with college homework. It’s now 2 months later and her depression is so severe that she feels numb/empty/doesn’t care to live. She suffers from anxiety, panic attacks, and has been stressed about her schoolwork. She just started seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and just started medication. She has panic attacks, doesn’t want to take a break from school because of her career plans though her stress is from school, and will not be hospitalized. She hasn’t told her close friends what’s going on with her, only her parents.
She told me that something changed between us and that she didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, she will be going to grad school and doesn’t know what she wants. I left to visit my family for 10 days and in that time frame she started sleeping with someone else daily. When I got home I found out, she admitted to it, and wanted to work things out. But 2 days later she told me the same things all over again about not wanting to be in a relationship with anyone, it’s not fair for me to wait for her, she loves me and is in love with me, she doesn’t feel like herself/empty inside. Also, she’s not looking for anyone but if she gets drunk and sleeps with someone then it happened.
This is the woman I wanted to marry and have a life with and to see her on such a destructive path tears me up inside. She is the best person I’ve ever known and I just want her to be happy and get better. I told her that I love her and will be here for her to get through this to which she said she appreciated it. However, she doesn’t need me to be here for her and she spends most nights at friends houses, going to new places with those friend, and meeting/hanging out with new people on social media as “friends.” This is not like her, she is a homebody, and not a very social person.
Depression can make people act erratic, take risky behaviors, and do things they wouldn’t normally do which is what she is doing. I live with her and don’t know what to do from here. Is depression an excuse to sleep with someone else because “you’re bored and men are easy” when you say that you’re in love with someone being supportive of you? Do some people with depression sleep around just to try and feel something?
I need some advice because I’m just trying to figure out the best resolution for both of us. I don’t know if she is lost because of her depression or if she really feels that she doesn’t want to be with anyone/me? I don’t want to hold on to the hope that things will work out if she really means what she is saying and it’s not her depression talking. I can tell we’re still in love with each other and I want to be there for her but it’s hard to be friends/roommates with someone you’re in love with if they’re going to see other people or not agree to working on the relationship. What am I missing?
As someone who is likely depressed, I can comment on the risky behaviors. Sometimes I feel like I know things will turn out bad, it’s just a matter of time. Soon enough everyone will dislike me or leave altogether. I’ll get fired from my job or any other number of bad things will happen. The bad behavior is just a way of accelerating the inevitable. I feel like she’s going to leave soon anyway, might as well stop talking to her and/or help her realize what I already know… That I’m not good enough for her, she’s wasting her life being with me and she’s better off without me. She’ll leave like everyone else. Then it’s just a waiting game to see if I’m right.
Thank you for posting this. Except for living with each other, my ex and I are in the exact same boat. I can’t believe how similar your situation is. We’re both freshmen in college and had been dating for 2 1/2 years. About two months ago, I started to notice her withdrawing a little bit, then about a month ago it got to the point where she said that she needed space and said we needed to take a break. She said that she didn’t know who she was anymore and was very stressed out and even contemplating hurting herself. She has had problems like this in the past before we started dating, but never this bad. She has been so stressed over schoolwork and work (she works way more than she needs to) that I think it just finally got to her and led her to withdraw from everyone who loves her. She can’t say “ I love you” to anyone right now, including her parents.
We have continued to talk throughout all of this, and I’ve learned that she has her good days and bad days. When she’s having a good day, she’ll text me and maybe even suggest that we go out to eat sometime. But when she’s having a bad day, she doesn’t want anything to do with me. This hurts and confuses me a good bit, but I have to learn not to take it personally because she’s not the same person that she used to be right now.
As sleeping with other men goes, she has told me that if the opportunity came up at a party, she would sleep with them. However, she also tells me that she still loves me and wants to get back together after she gets better. It would really hurt me if I found out that she slept with someone else because I know deep down she still loves me, but I can’t do anything about it. She’s said that she doesn’t want to be controlled, and so me doing anything about it will just make her want to do it more. Just have to stay strong for her.
I love this girl so much, and would do anything for her. We really had a type of chemistry between us that I have only seen a few other couples have. Even though we are young, we have talked about the future before and we both agreed that we might be the ones for each other. If we were still together after we finished college, I was planning on marrying this girl and spending the rest of my life with her, but that all seems like just a dream right now.
She just went to her first therapy session yesterday and said it went well, so hopefully the worst part is behind us and she will get a little better each week from here on.
Thank you for this article. I am going through tough times right now. I have been married for 17 years and my wife has been diagnosed with depression and she always put on a very brave and happy face that sometimes I don’t even know if she is under the cloud. Then last 2 weeks she said she wanted to leave me and our 3 kids and that she thinks that would make her happy, I let it go for a bit thinking that it is the depression talking but after sometimes even when she is in her “normal state” she still talks about being alone. Do you think that it is still her depression talking? BTW our kids are ages 15, 13 and 6
Thanks
This is a great article. I have been trying to figure out why my girlfriend has been feeling the way she does. I tend to feel really useless in how to help her and have now been feeling like I cant help. She also has major anxiety. I have been feeling really useless and kind of put at the end of the list of priorities for her. She says she still loves me and that she is happy with me. But I just feel like I cant make her any happier then she is now or make her feel not as sad.
Devin* sorry I was typing fast.
Thank you so much for this..
I’ve been driving myself crazy second guessing what could have possibly gone wrong in my relationship, but I can see now I’m not the only one going through this.
Last week completely out of the blue, my boyfriend ended our relationship saying he hadn’t dealt with a particularly bad break up he had last year.
I had no idea he was still feeling like this, and he didn’t give me any signs anything was wrong.
He mentioned he’d had depression last year, and I’m now convinced that’s what is happening now. I know you shouldn’t google, but I wasn’t aware of the signs, and when I did a lot of them related.
He loves his job so absorbs himself into that, and I’m sure he’s probably fine around his friends, but since this happened, he has not spoken to me, other than a text message in which he said he was sorry for being “distant”.
I’d almost convinced myself he must really hate me, as he won’t speak/text, let alone explain, but this article and all the comments are so relatable, maybe he just can’t bring himself to do speak, rather than doesn’t want to?!
Let’s hope in time he can find the words, as this really hurts.
Thank you for this article.
I am watching my fiancé slowly fade away into the darkness. I have had my own battle with severe anxiety and depression and I understand what is happening. Still it is so difficult to take. She used to be so affectionate, loving and engaged. Now I watch her face go blank as she stares off into space, her mind wandering, ruminating and racing with negative thoughts. I know that she cannot be present in the moment, she cannot love me because her brain does not have the capacity to do so while it is so filled with darkness, worry, and self loathing.
I am watching the woman that I love disappear into the shadows and I know that I can’t help her, help us, all I can do is watch. Having faced my own demons, I know that she has to fight this fight on her own. Nothing I can do or say will change that. I find myself wondering if the woman I love is gone, if she was ever real in the first place, and I no longer feel the decision to marry her with certainty and that breaks my heart.
Wow this is exactly how I feel at the moment. I’ve been with my fiancée for 12 years now. We had a bad break up in 2015.. We were on and off for 3 and a half years until I had enough. It took her 4 months to get her self sorted and we got back together.. We’ve been the happiest ever for the past 4 years. But my whole world has been flipped upside down with it. I always thought now she had it under control and she understood it better that we’d fight it together. Reading all this has made me realise this isn’t the case. I have to let her do it on her own, I just hope it isn’t the end. She knows what she needs to do so I’ll just leave her to it. It’s quite hard living in the same house and keeping it together for the kids though. I’m sure we will get there.
Thank you for this article. Some time ago the man I love admitted he was suffering from a chronic depression. I am not sure whether he was diagnosed by a specialist or it is self-diagnosis. I wish I could be a better partner for him and do everything I could to make him feel more comfortable. The problem is he is very inconsistent and self-contradictory in everything he says. I am totally confused about what to do. One day he says that I should never come up to him when he is in a bad mood and I should give him privacy. Another day he says that what he really wants me to do is hug him in such situations “ just ignore what I said and hug me”. When I tell him that I’m confused he gets annoyed and says that I never listen to him (when all I do in fact is listen) and don’t understand him. One day he says he is grateful for everything I do for him and in a couple of hours he might say that I am an awful partner and he doesn’t trust me. He is one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met and I always trusted his opinion and judgment. I respect everything he says and it’s very hard not to take things personally or to ignore things or to understand what he really needs. What should I do?
This is a tough situation. I have battled depression most of my life and I can say that his contradictory behavior sounds like there is more than depression going on. Depression is no excuse to lash out at people, nor is any other condition or disorder. It sounds like he has you spinning and second guessing yourself and that is not good. It doesn’t make you a bad person if you can’t handle his mood swings, nor are you required to hang in there and take it.
I dont know if this really answers anything for you, just my thoughts on what you said.
Hi there. Thank you so much for the article and the opportunity to talk to someone about my pain. I fell in love with a man who’ s apparently suffering from depression. I didn’t know about it back then when I met him. He was my first and only true love (for I believe the miracle and blessing of true love can be only once in a lifetime). We both were married when we met and both went through the immense pain and guilt of breaking up with previous partners to finally be together ’cause otherwise our lives would have had no sense. And that’s when things started to go wrong. My beloved one gradually started turning into a different person. He started growing more distant and irritable. I could never understand what might trigger it. He could seem positive and cheerful, but the next second he could suddenly turn away and stop talking. When I asked him what was wrong he wouldn’t answer. When I was trying to hug him or kiss him, he would stand stiff like a rock or push me away. And that could last for days or weeks till after my another attempt to talk to him or hug him he would suddenly hug me back and thank for not leaving him and being so patient. He had had his “moods” before, but I had never thought it was a real problem until I started living with him. The worst thing is his unstable mood and toxic behaviour. He can be loving and tender one day and then turn into a different person saying that I’ve never understood him, that I think badly of him and when I try to contradict, he starts saying very mean things to me. It’s just breaking my heart to see that any neutral or positive things I do or say get negative interpretation, and proving the opposite makes things even worse, leads to fights. And I still can’t handle it. He told me that he was probably suffering from depression or bipolar disorder at one of his rare moments of “adequacy”. I started looking for any helpful information about these disorders. I would be very grateful for any advice or word of support from anybody who’s been in the same situation. I feel desperate. Sorry for my hectic writing. I’ve just another bad conversation with my partner..
I am in the same dark situation. I fell in love with a man I let down my walls and opened my heart to him and two years later the cloud of depression and anxiety has taken my heart and crushed it: I find it hard to watch him suffer and refuse to get help, to tell him he is going to ruin us and he still doesn’t get help, to tell him I will support him no matter what and he still won’t even attempt to get help. He left his job and now I have to support us both. We don’t laugh anymore. I’m full of resentment and am honest with him about how I feel: I can’t help it. I feel like he is turning on me telling me I’m not caring I’m not supportive I don’t understand and all I keep thInking is what about my feelings what about my life ?. I didn’t ask for this but I am trying to be the person he needs but it’s difficult when he gets nasty in an argument because he doesn’t like the truth I’m speaking or flies off the handle and starts an argument but then turns it on me and says I’m argumentative!! This is not easy . I have gone from making wedding plans to not talking for days full of anger and resentment . It’s a lonely place being the partner of someone with depression, your feelings have no value , you’re selfish for even thinking about how it affects you and you can’t turn your back on someone that is already suffering…you end up in a dark tunnel yourself . I am strong but I am also angry at his choice to not seek help of any sort knowing that it will break us in time. I am only human and I do matter.
This. I’ve been dealing with this for 13 years. I can relate. That’s all I wanted to say.
Thanks for this information. I’ve been in the same situation with my boyfriend since the end of June. He has good day and functions at work but has no motivation to do anything other than what he has to at work. Very emotional for me and frustrating to say the least. Just trying to keep in contact and check on him occasionally. Hoping he returns to his old self when this passes.
Hello Kim I can relate,
My boyfriend broke up with me on july18, he also can function at work and with others but when he was around me, his and mine he would act differently. He will have his ups and downs from being happy for half the day and agitated aggravated frustrated etc. with me. I felt so alone in the relationship because his love just seem to go away from one minute to another. Anyways I believe that is called a functional depressed person, someone who can just go to work and be responsible out in the world and depressed at home . We are still not together it’s been a month and two weeks that we have broken it off, usually he comes around after the third month of coming off of his depression. He has been going through this from what I know for years and each year seems to be worse as I look back at things. He is not getting any help he doesn’t take any medication and from what I have read they don’t get any better if not getting any help but they do get worse. I also hope he returns to his old self when this passes and then maybe he can get the proper help for himself.
Hey Kim, you’re not alone. My boyfriend also has high functioning depression. It’s hard to see their personality and what made you fall for them in the first place slowly creep away. Hope your situation gets better.
this sounds like my boyfriend i don’t know what to do any more I
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I thought I was the only experiencing this.
For me the article has explained depression and how to support a loved one through it perfectly.
I have lived with my own depression for 26 years, I’m 56 now and, I long for the day I feel released from it, released from the cell I built around myself. Only I have the key, yet I have no idea where I have hidden this key, I hope that makes some sort of sense.
When I’m depressed I can’t find my way out and this is when a helping hand is so vital. When I become anxious it’s because I’m frantically trying to find the key to lock myself back in the cell, when I become panicked it’s because all hope of finding the key has gone and I feel exposed to danger/harm. I have no idea if this is the same for others who are depressed, it’s how I explain it to myself to get through tough times.
I don’t like being depressed, but something deep rooted is stopping me from being anything other than depressed.
I am an average intelligent woman and I know what’s happening and why, but for the life of me I can’t stop it or change it.
I take my meds but sadly one of the side affects is suicide, I was shocked and horrified when I found that out, as I had attempted to take my life several times. How can an anti-depressant make you want to end your life when there supposed to help you feel better?
Life experiences caused my depression or rather triggered it, as I do believe we all can so easily spiral down into depression, it doesn’t discriminate.
I don’t have any friends, either I’ve pushed them away or they have walked away, both is extremely painful to all concerned, by not having any friends I don’t cause another person pain, but it keeps me trapped within depression.
Thanks for reading
Thank you for this article. My wife has battled Depression for the last five years or so. It is something she has always attempted to fight by herself. Recently she told me she had thought about a life without me, this was after a number of weeks where he Depression appeared to deepen. We are working through this at the moment and after a couple of weeks, she has told me the way she is feeling is not down to me. She does not know what is causing her to feel withdrawn and has talked about not wanting to hurt me or others by discussing it. I identify with almost all of the above article, including making mistakes in attempting to reframe the positive. The last few weeks have been the most difficult of my life, but I know this is nothing in comparison to how my wife feels. She has agreed to speak to someone and this is a huge step for her. I’m committed to helping her and fighting against the Depression and not fighting my wife. I look forward to updating this in the future, hopefully with a positive outcome for both of us. Thank you again for the article, it will be a daily reminder for me.
Hi, I hope you were able to battle the depression you and your wife are fighting. I am in the-same boat right now, My wife is battling the depression and has told me that she would be happier living a life without me and our kids, As much as I tried to understand her depression it is just to painful for me to think how a mom could just abandon her kids . She has been seeing a psychiatrist and on medication for 3 months and it seems to me she looks a lot better where she was a month ago . But she seems decided to live a life without us.
Hey,
I also wanted to give an update on my situation. I had the chance to skype with my Ex just over two weeks ago and that coversation was awful. He was in a really bad state, but he told me that he felt bad seeing me. He did not want anything to remind him of me because it only hurt him and made him feel guilty. He said he had pushed away his love because it made him feel bad. I really tried to understand what was going on, but he just kept saying that it was too late to save anything. The conversation ended when his computer battery died. He texted a day later and he also unblocked me on whatsapp, but only to say that we had to move on. After that there was no more contact. And then he did not leave a message for my birthday either. I see that he is online all the time on whatsapp and I know that he is surrounded by friends and family. He really doesn’t want or need me anymore for some reason. I have just lost the person I fell in love with. It happened so quickly that I really do not know how to deal with it. There is really no point in holding on, because all I am holding on to is the fact that he can hurt me over and over again. I am so hurt, I am sure it is just as painful as a depression. It’s hard for me to get through every day like this. But I would never hurt the one I love. So, this illness, however it may work, it certainly is not an excuse for hurting people this badly. I think I just have to accept that he is mentally ill and that he will never be the same again. I don’t know how to forget him, but I need to, because otherwise I will just destroy myself and waste my whole life crying and hurting. It’s not supposed to be this way.
Good luck to all of you out there.
Hey Carla, I’m sorry to hear that and I’m sorry you’re hurting, you don’t deserve it. I agree that depression isnt e valid reason to hurt someone who cares on purpose. Tbh I can relate to some things you said. I’m with a guy right now that is depressed. The moment he was down his words hurted me. He didn’t call me names, but when he said things like ”I want to die” or ”Secretly i want that, it’s one of my deepest desires, but my brain says, wait, not yet.” These were his words. Tbh I’m scared to build a future with a person who says stuff like that. What if 5-10 y we have children and we go through something. Would he be strong enough to hang on? I don’t want to end up alone. Is that selfish? Am I being selfish to think that? But then again, these are my feelings, are they less important than his? I’m confused. I’ve also had these thoughts about leaving him. Like that feeling deep inside that tells me to just leave him.
This is something I really needed right now. My absolutely wonderful, funny, beautiful, intelligent and incredible boyfriend has been dealing with depression for many years now. I am very fortunate that we have more good days than bad. For me, the hardest part is when I can feel him starting to take a step back from our relationship and it tends to upset me because I mistake it for him losing interest in me. Thank you for this, Karen – every word rang true to me. I promise I will keep fighting and standing beside my man, he is worth every moment and I love him endlessly.
I can say that was the hardest part for me also, not knowing whether or not my significant other was just losing interest in me or it was the depression. Hopefully your bf over comes his depression and you two are happy together.
Why do depressed people take it out on the world.. as if the world owes them something? why is it that whatever you do its not good enough..
Am I expected to give up my life to help every single day?
I’m talking about my daughter. Who has had 2 children and also taken on her nice for the kart 10 years. She is very depressed. Wants a boob job. But can’t afford it as this is getting her very down. She constantly says all the people she has helped and noone has helped her. I try and help as much as I can.. but I work and have problems at home.. nothing I do us good enough.. it’s like I’ve never helped her..I don’t no what to do.. I have an 18 year old who lives at home and frequently smashes the house.. he has mental health issues.. I have another one in prison.. so my work is cut out.. I can’t be there all the time.. to help my depressed daughter.. I try n help where I can.. maybe not enough.. but what I do do..it doesn’t seem good enough.. she seems to hate being a mother..
That’s just it though, depressed people DONT want anything from anyone. I have depression and I constantly worry that I bother people and that I’m a burden to them. We feel bad that we have to ask for help and we feel like we don’t deserve what we get. That’s why we withdraw in the first place. It’s not about YOU; they aren’t trying to hurt you so stop acting like you have it harder. Your views are skewed at best; depression completely alters perception and the views between depressed and non depressed people are as different as night and day.
Update on my situation. I finally got to speak to her but it wasn’t anything I was hoping to hear. We are no longer together for the time being because she said she needs time to find happiness within herself and that she couldn’t love me right now. I don’t understand or agreee with her decision but it’s not up to me, all I can do is respect it. She left me with some hopeful words but at the end of the day the girl I love is gone. Who knows, if me and her are meant to be then somehow we’ll end up together. Only time will tell. Anyways just wanted to let anyone who cared know what happened. I’m sad about it, very sad but it seemed she had her mind made up already so I didn’t even argue it at the risk of hurting myself more than what I was already feeling. Time heals all wounds, remember that people.
Thanks for sharing, I’ve just experienced the same thing…my partner leaving the relationship because he’s withdrawn and unable to connect. Feels like he is a completely different person. I don’t feel I’ve had much choice in it at all so am left feeling sad, mad and frustrated.
Sorry to hear this Chris – it wasn’t meant to be but now you can get some closure…
I am going through this right now with my husbsnd. We have 3 kids, and had been together for 13 years. Two of our kids have special needs, so it’s not easy. His issue is with me. On my birthday, he told me that the flirting of a younger coworker was making his rethink his life choices, and he may be going through a midlife crisis . A few days before, he was thinking suicide because he felt his life was falling apart. I lost my job recently, and choose to do freelance from home so I could better support him, but I also work in the national guard, and have enough saved until I get established. I got upset about his crush, and blew up at him. I had to get his parents involved, and he has been staying with them ever since. They got him medically seen, which got him officially diagnosed with massive depression disorder. It is crazy how fast it happened. A month ago, we were good. I noticed he was withdrawing, but things were manageable. We’ve gone through so much together. Two years ago, we went through counseling and fixed another issue. Now it seems there is no going back. I’m full of anxiety, worried I’m going to lose everything we built together. It kills he how easy he tells the kids he lives them, but he can’t for me. I still text and tell him I love and support him, but I don’t know if it helps or hurts. It hurts to hear his voice. I need his support more than ever, and he’s distant and maybe even resentful of me.
hi i need some advice… I’m in a long distance relationship, which is hard already for both of us, we have been together for a year now, i was planning a trip to go see him. but a month and a half ago he got sick, and had surgery. just after he went back home he started saying he was useless, he don’t want me to go anymore. i knew he was depressed he told me he was, i told him he wasn’t useless, that he will be fine he just needed to fully recover… i thought he needed time… the thing is he keeps saying he don’t want me there, that he can’t have me there with his condition… ( i know he needs help to do certain things and I’m ok with it i always told him i didn’t cared and that i would help him no matter what ) slowly he has been pushing me away, he’s been acting cold and distant, he started by not saying i love you, he used to call me my love not anymore, he asked me to send him good night texts anymore. we don’t talk as much as we did, if i don’t text him he won’t text me… i know its his depression i know he got frustrated after his surgery… i love him so much and he knows that, i know he loves me too. we talk how i would eventually move in with him and start a family… when we met he was such cute, loving guy. i know he just didn’t stopped loving me from day to night. what do i do? i do give him his space and time to recover, i try to act as normal as i can but it hurts.
Yes, it’s sad to hear that so many of us are left alone with our sadness. And we cannot stop loving the person that hurts us so much. But my Mom said that love endures a lot. I know that there is nothing I can do right now, especially not when my ex thinks he doesn’t love me anymore. Maybe he can find happiness without me. But I will still be there for him for a very long time. I have said hurtful things in anger, too. I cannot imagine what is going on in his mind. He must feel so many bad things, shame, guilt, despair. I cannot judge him right now. Whatever he says right now, might not be what he really wants. I think he just wants to feel better. And relieving himself from the responsibility for another person might help for a second. I think it’s hard for people that do not know how to hang on to their own lives, to let somebody else in. Why would anybody want to share the darkness and pain that they have inside of them? If they love someone, they will not want to do this to them and rather isolate themselves. We can only pray that therapy and medication puts them into a better space someday. For my own sake, I have to hold on to the hope that he can get better again. And once he is healthy, we might be able to talk to each other again. I read somewhere that emotions don’t last forever. So whatever is reality right now, might feel different in future. I will just pray that his feelings can return because we had the best moments in time together. I have never felt so perfectly in sync with anybody else before the fights and withdrawal started due to the illness. I will try to heal and be the best version of me. I deserve to be loved. And I think new beginnings are also a chance to not repeat past mistakes. Once something has gone, we value it so much more. Time will tell. I really hope that some of us are rewarded for the patience and understanding that we offer to our loved ones. My sister said it takes 2-3 weeks to recover from a bad flu. And if your soul is broken, it will take much more time than we healthy people might think. I think we shouldn’t give up until our own emotions have changed to the point where we cannot hold on anymore.
I can hear how much you love him – so purely and open-heartedly. You so much deserve the same love back – and it is there for you. Love and healing to you.
Amen to this. Lords knows I’m trying to be patient with her, I just hope I’m not waiting for nothing and wasting my time when in reality she’s moved on from me and I don’t know it yet…
So this is an update to my previous post.
GF and I have had several discussions and the general consensus is that I have pushed too much and been too clingy and needy, and that me wanting to spend time with her has pushed her away.
She has gone from one extreme (wanting to be with me all the time, texting all the time etc) to the other (hardly contacting me and not wanting to spend as much time)
Basically I’ve been told to back off. The problem is that I know what she gets like when there’s no one there. She begins thinking too much and worrying about all sorts. I try to reassure her but she just keeps telling me nothings going to be ok anymore and she will never be happy.
It’s kind of a kick in the teeth to hear that the person who you love and loves you won’t ever be happy despite having you in their life.
All I can say to people here that have the issue of a partner withdrawing from them is – let them – as much as it hurts just let them get on with it.
And genuinely it will hurt like hell and you WILL try to force the matter (and make it worse) while you try to make sense of it. There’s no way you will be able to just leave it. It’s taken me a year to realise there is NOTHING I can do about it and I’ve made things a tonne worse in the process.
I asked her does she think we can recover from it all and stupidly thought she would say yes but she said “I don’t know”. That spooked me.
I am meant to be proposing to this girl next month which should mean I am excited, but I will be brutally honest – I am petrified now that I’m setting myself up for more hurt and upset. Why would I do that to myself?
I’m not as anxious right now as I have been during other uncertain moments but I’m thinking that may be just the anti anxiety meds keeping the hurt at bay.
Yeah sorry to hear things haven’t gotten better for you man. I was hopeful of my situation but I think I’m just being delusional at this point. It’s sad honestly you fall in love with someone just to have them snatched away from you and yourre helpless to it all.
Mate it’s brutal. I could understand if it had all stemmed from us arguing but this came out of the blue – sent her down which in turn made me try and fix it and then push her away.
It’s a sad chain of event’s; I was convinced we would be happy forever but now I honestly can’t see a future for us.
I feel for you, the no contact must be horrible, not knowing and having so many questions. In all honesty though, for her to do that to you, depression or no depression is just cruel.
I couldn’t leave another person hanging like that for so long.
Yeah but instead of arguing your pushed away from loving someone to much. I don’t hold anything against tbh, she has was of coping with depression that I don’t understand, like whenever we would have an argument she would just withdraw from the whole situation which I hated because that didn’t solve anything. I would wanna talk about it but she just goes in a shell until she’s over it. But this is that to the extreme. One thing I did take personally from this was on her bday she spent time with some friends but when I tried to see her, she just told me she still wasn’t ready to talk to me or see me yet because she was still going thru stuff. I took that personally… that was the last time I talked to her also, so not the best way to end things if it is over with her and I pray it’s not. I’m gonna attempt to have a talk with her mom in the upcoming days to get some insight on what I should do. If that doesn’t go over well then I think I’m going to have to let go for the time being because I’m tearing myself down. This whole process is brutal, and then I see her on social media and she seems fine on the outside and it makes me wonder does she even care anymore. Only she knows that. Sorry for the long post lol but this is the only place I really can share my thoughts with people who have a understanding of what im going through so I kinda just vent.
Chris it’s fine don’t apologise, I’m in the same boat here and can only relate on here too.
I can totally understand the birthday situation. I can also relate to the social media thing. When you see that person acting “normally” with others but then when around you they aren’t (or avoiding you) it’s a killer.
My GF is the same around her friends but I think it’s just a mask or an opportunity to revisit that normality which is an escape for her. I can’t help but take it personally because I wonder why she isn’t like that with me.
Trust me – if she has had this amount of space now and not tried to reach out to you then I would concentrate on YOU now. You are a person who deserves a life. I should listen to my own advice here as I’m doing the same – thinking about it all waking hours but once the realisation kicks in that there are other things to be getting on with in life it will become easier.
Hit the gym, ride a bike, start making something like a project to keep your mind off it, go for a run. You will destroy yourself if you keep going over it in your mind.
As much as you are longing for her to get in touch, ask yourself, would you do this to her? The answer is no – so why is it acceptable for her to do it with you?
I know this isn’t what you want to hear and you want people to say “hang in there buddy it will all work out” but no one knows that for sure and the hurt of shattered hope can be worse than the hurt of a relationship ending.
I’m such a hypocrite saying all this and maybe it’s my subconscious telling me what to do as I type to you.
Is there any way to PM on here? I’m happy to be a lifeline should you ever need it bro…
Trust me I’ve thought about just leaving the whole situation. But I need that closure. She kinda just left me hanging, we didn’t break up, she didn’t tell me she didn’t wanna talk anymore or anything so I’m just left wondering. I don’t drown myself in sadness thinking about it, it’s just the little things that remind me of her. Like something she likes, seeing something of hers that’s left at my house, videos, throughout the day I’m fine it’s just when I stop moving is when the thoughts come flooding. As for the pm thing, I don’t know if there’s a way to communicate aside from leaving comments.
No worries – well look I’ve got email alerts set up so I know when someone replies.
It’s crap that you haven’t had closure and I hope you manage to get it one way or another.
I still think of my ex when certain songs come on etc but now they make me smile rather than sad as they are just memories from an older chapter of my life.
For some reason when you keep replying on here the text box gets smaller and smaller. But yeah I’m sure I’ll move on from eventually if need be but it’ll be hard not comparing other females to her because she was my type inside and out.
My boyfriend has suffered with depression on and off since his early teens. We’ve been together for just over two years and both he and his friends have repeatedly told me how much I’ve helped him and how much better he is. Recently he has been feeling very low, lower than I think he’s ever felt before. He was drinking very very heavily but over the last month this has stopped since I took him to the doctor and to AA. I can tell he is still so unhappy and he is mean to me a lot of the time and puts me down. He tells me I’m stupid and that I don’t understand anything and snaps at the smallest of things. He freaks out at the most insignificant things, he’s thrown his laptop across the room twice today, completely overreacting to just mildly irritating problems. I love him so much and just want to help him but lately I feel that whatever I do just gets thrown back in my face. I try to do nice things for him and to let him know that I love him but he constantly pushes me away. When we see our friends he is his normal charming and funny self but as soon as they leave he instantly slumps back into it and to picking on me. I feel like a do a lot for him and he doesn’t even notice. I try to give him space too but I am quite affectionate in my relationship with him so this often makes me feel lonely and unwanted and in turn feel selfish for feeling like this when he’s so unhappy. I know I don’t deserve to be treated this way but I know that it’s all part of the illness too and that he doesn’t mean it. I think he resents me and thinks I’m trying to control him…maybe I am in a way but the drinking had got so out of hand, I honestly thought I was going to find him dead from the huge amount he was consuming. I just want him to be happy, and for us to be happy again together like we used to be. How can I help him when he won’t let me?
The problem is that you can’t help him if he won’t let you. Depression can make people do things that are out of character, but don’t let it be the excuse you both use to let you be mistreated.
I am so sad to read that so many people are suffering the way I am. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we were both sure we wanted to end up with each other. Suddenly he tells me that he cannot be the BF that I need anymore. He shuts me out. We had been talking about spending the rest of our lives together and suddenly he needed me to leave. I was so hurt that I got really angry, shouted at him, threw things at him, and then just left after the worst fight of my life. We did not have much contact for a couple of days and the following week he went to see a psychiatrist. After his first session he told me that I could not contact him anymore. I respected his wish and suddenly realised he had a real problem. Another week later he calls me to break up. “He doesn’t love me anymore. He sees no future. He wants it all to end.”. It was terrible. He had seen a psychiatrist every day at that point. I realised that he must be in a very bad state and I tried being there for him, only sent a few messages of love and support, but then he just blocked me on whatsapp and removed from FB. I was crying for days and could not understand how he could be so cold. I sent him a text message and told him to promise me to not hurt himself and that I would wait until we could talk again. He said he wouldnt hurt himself and said that the “sickness” was a big part of why he felt this bad. But he never actually said it was a depression. Looking back at his withdrawal from his friends and from me and about how he was struggling with life, I am pretty sure, he must be suffering from one. He said I could call him after seeing a doctor myself. That really hurt me, too. The reason why I was so upset during the fight was because he was making no sense and destroying our relationship just like that out of nowhere. I am not sure whether he thinks I have a problem. It is really killing me.
Because I want to talk to him, I will actually go to a psychologist next week. But then I do not even know whether calling him again makes any sense. I cannot take another hurtful word from him. It has been so hard to get through the past 2 weeks alone. I love him so much, I am not angry with him at all, I just want to be there for him. But what can I say to make him feel closer to me again? I am so frightened that that one phonecall might be the only chance I get.
I do not really have any words either. I just want to hold him and be near him and just wait until he feels better. I just cannot stand the feeling of him not wanting me in his life anymore because I know he is really hurting right now. Why does he have to do this to us? And will he ever want to return after his therapy? Can love return if the depression has switched it off?
Carla I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It sounds like a confusing and hurtful way for a relationship to end. Depression can make people withdraw, but this is more than withdrawal because he’s told you that he doesn’t love you and that he doesn’t see a future for you. You deserve somebody who adores you and love should never have to be forced. Sometimes it takes hard work, but it takes two people to do the work. Sometimes it will be more one than the other, but it sounds as though he has been clear. I don’t know why he is doing this to you. I wish I did. Depression doesn’t make love go away. It can make it feel smaller for a while, and it can make people angry and exhausted and distant, but it doesn’t make love disappear. If he has told you he wants out, believe him. If it has been two weeks and he hasn’t taken back his words, or reached out to you, listen to that. There is something better for you and in time this will all make sense. I know this is cold comfort now, and you just want him back, but love can become which makes us long for people long after we should let go.
Sorry to hear yet another story similar to my own. My girlfrien was at an all time low also I tried everything to get her to open up to me but she also ended blocking my number, everything was seeming like she was getting better and that she needed time and then outta no where blocked. That left me with so many questions and an empty feeling as to what I did wrong. I couldn’t even reach out to her if I wanted to and that kills me. It’s been almost a month since this happened and I honestly don’t see it changing. I see a lot of people saying once you lose your loved one to depression then they are gone and that hurts to think I may never have my girl back. She has so many clothes and my house and we were always talking about the future and just like that it all went down hill without any warning. I’ve thought about bagging all her stuff up and putting it away because it hurts my heart every time I see something of hers and know I can’t see her. I would like to see someone on her just post a happy ending to their story of depression. It’ll make me hopeful about my situation because I don’t know what to do at the point.
I ha e a wonderful partner who is depressed and moved out of our ho.e saying he needs time on his owthis has become more lately we have contact through text and call g and occasionally a meal .he says so.e hurtful things but I k ow it’s not him saying it but because of the way he feels .he has tried to do it o his own for 3 months now .How van I get him to see he needs help from gp without hurting him and pushing me away more
I wish there was an easy way to help people reach for the support they need. This is your husband’s growth and it is something that he needs to figure out. In the meantime, it’s also important that you are clear about what you need and about the things that hurt you. Of course it’s important to be supportive, but that should stop short of compromising your own needs so much for so long that it starts to cause breakage.
Please help me!
Reading all these posts I can’t believe I’ve finally found a place on the internet for partners of those going through this.
My girlfriend was such a care free person, life was just one big constant laugh with her. She could make anything funny and even after 18 months I felt like we’d just met.
All of a sudden in around August 16 I thought to myself she was having a bad day. This became a bad week and eventually a bad month… I didn’t really acknowledge it too much at the time but come January this year it clicked that she had changed so much in herself.
She had become withdrawn and noticeably quieter. 100’s (literally) of messages a day became a dozen or so and the lengthy kisses and hugs we enjoyed on the sofa became her in her phone with her back to me. She wouldn’t put her arms round me anymore when we hugged and long passionate kisses became quick pecks that she didn’t seem to enjoy any more.
She is her old self again when she’s out with friends or if I’ve seen her at work but then when she’s with me (her “normality”) she just becomes this flat, non responsive, emotionless shell of her former self.
It’s absolutely killing me and I feel like I’m mourning her even though she’s there next to me. The fact she hides in her phone causes issues and she gets angry if I ask her to put it down and spend some time with me. Her reaction makes me feel guilty for asking for some time with her and requesting her undivided attention because she can completely not hear me when she’s on messenger to her group chat friends or she will surf Facebook.
Physical intimacy has dwindled from daily to weekly but I’m grateful for what we have in that area.
She is coming off her meds as she says she doesn’t want to be on them for ever. Her anxiety started before this but I fear her decision has caused the depression to make its head appear.
I’m beginning to suffer anxiety myself now and I’m having intrusive thoughts that she will leave me. She won’t let me in and help her and pushes me away keeping me at arms length.
I can’t get it out of my head and it’s literally the only thing I can think of all day every day and I think I’m cracking up.
I’ve begun missing work as I can’t deal with the thoughts when I’m in the office so I finish early and come home and I can’t go on like that.
So many people have told me to leave her but I can’t as I love her so much and I pray to God each day to get us through this (and I’m not religious!)
My life has been on hold now do almost a year – I’d decided last year on her birthday that I would propose to her this year on her birthday. I’ve been saving up now and bought the ring in preparation but there’s a part of me that says I shouldn’t now because I’m setting myself up for a life of pain knowing what I feel like now. The majority of me is saying I can’t let my girl down because of this.
It’s so hard to not take all this personally because it feels like I’m the only one she is like this with. We’ve spoken about it and she says she doesn’t know why and doesn’t mean it but that doesn’t help when she’s still like this the day after.
I’m dying inside and she just won’t acknowledge it. I know there’s no magic switch but my goodness I’m petrified I’ve lost her forever.
I feel so lonely, angry, frustrated, rejected, neglected.
Please God help her.
Yo man. I feel for you. I don’t know how common this is for people with depression but my gf has basically become when you just described for yours. Hell I don’t even know if we are still together anymore…. she went through something while off at school and only but hasn’t told me what. At first it was ” I’ll explain everything when I can bring myself to talk about it” but that’s changed and now she just says she’s not ready to see me or talk to me or anyone. I tried to be understanding of that but her birthday passed in June and I haven’t seen her in months but she went out with some friends to celebrate so I kinda took that personal because it didn’t seem to matter that someone she cares about wanted nothing more than to see her that day. That’s the last time I’ve heard anything from her. You start to wonder is this depression or just feelings fading. It’s hard to tell the two apart lately….
Chris it’s horrible. Mine too speaks to her friends more than me. She sends them messages that are lines and lines long, proper conversations, but with me I get one liners. Very short. There’s no passion in her eyes any more and it’s killing me..
How can I not take it personally when I’m the only one she’s like this with? How can they not see how unfair it is to treat another person like this, depression or no depression.
Unfortunately I can’t give you any good advice because I’m in the same situation. But you aren’t alone in this, to make it worse yesterday was supposed to be our anniversary but she went so far as to block my number so I can’t even get in contact with her. I hate it cause it was so sudden, she was seemingly in love wth me and then she just hit a 180 and become the complete opposite of how she used to act when it came to me. I was hoping that she would get back to herself and she said was working on it but it’s been about 3 months this has been going on and about 3 weeks since I’ve heard anything from her…. idk what to do about it at this point and you start to wonder would it be better just to let go? I love her so much and I’m sure you love your girl too to be going through this for someone who seems to not even wanna be around you or talk. Idk what to do at this point tbh.
I’m honestly interested in how your situation plays out.
I’ve known my boyfriend for 8 months, dated for 6 months until 2 weeks ago.
We had what everyone described as the perfect relationship, and that’s exactly what it was, perfect.
We communicated better than most couples that had been together forever and we could talk through any issue.
In the first week of May, his job situation changed and although there was a lot of pressure on the relationship, it was still a happy one.
At the end of May, he started a new position at work and that’s when all hell started to break loose. He started withdrawing from what seems like only me, complaining about how he can’t handle to stress of work and life (which to me seems exaggerated), it eventually got to a point where I had to cancel a trip that we had planned and paid for because he said that he’s not sure if he wants to go anymore.
He kept saying that he loves me and that this is just a low point and that we’ll get strong again, but the communication just started decreasing until he wouldn’t see me or call and I could barely recognize him or our relationship anymore.
I’ve spent the last almost 2 months in tears and had to end the relationship for fear of myself becoming depressed.
He says that he knows that something is wrong but that he feels lost and doesn’t have any answers for me.
I’m the one that’s lost though.
Where are you meant to go from here?
So sorry to hear that’s what your going through. It sounds all to familiar to my own so I have an idea of what you’re going through. Me and my girl was supposed to spend the whole summer together and I’ve yet to see her since she’s been back from school and she’ll be leaving again next month unfortunately. At first it seemed like everything was going to be ok because she kept telling me she was working on it but now I have no idea what’s going on with her. That’s the worst part. I don’t even know if that’s my girl anymore at this point tbh. So I’m stuck between whether or not I should move on from her or pray things turn around with her. I just wish she would tell me where we stand but I’m just left wondering….
I can’t say that it’s easy to stay when the person on the other end of the phone isn’t someone that you recognize anymore.
I tried really hard but it almost felt like he wanted me to leave. He’s not the same person anymore in any sense of the word.
I do feel that it doesn’t get any better after you leave though. I’m still left with the same questions, I still want answers, I still want my boyfriend and my relationship back. Nothing has changed except that im probably now a bit more hurt and angry that he hasnt even tried to reach out to me.
I really hope that your situation turns around. This is far more difficult to experience than it sounds like to anyone not going through it.
I’ve never even heard my partner say the word depressed or unhappy before, so I don’t even know if he knows that what he’s going through is depression.
This feels like a black hole that I’ve been thrown into without any of my own doing.
Fingers crossed for you, try reaching out to her or her friends/family maybe.
Trust me I know. It’s been months since we have had a real conversation and about a month since I heard anything from her at all. I’ve tried everything to reach out to her only to end in failure and it’s discouraging tbh. I’ve already been preparing to move on but like you said I’m still left with those questions and left wondering where the hell did I go wrong…if we are done then I at least would like to her it from her so I can have some closure, I just don’t see how you can be so in love with someone one day just to treat them like you don’t know them the next. Looking at her on social media you would never guess that anything was wrong and assume she just didn’t care anymore but I never really understood any of her coping methods for dealing with depression anyways they all seem kinda selfish acts.
Reading your comment felt like everything that plays on my mind all day.
The questions. How can he flip a switch off and stop loving me the way that he did? Does he not feel anything about us? It makes feel rejected beyond measure.
The social media interaction is the worst for me, interacting with friends and random strangers but can’t find the decency to give me an explanation of what went wrong or to check if I’m even coping with the situation. In a frenzy I told him that he was a coward and that he turned our relationship into a joke to which he responded that he didn’t know how he did that. I mean?!
My boyfriend was never selfish, he was the kindest man I had ever met. He wouldn’t hurt anyone, he wouldn’t hurt me. I don’t know who this person is.
Yeah it’s hard I know. The hardest part is not letting is ruin your happiness. I wish I had the answers and could offer you some advice but I’m still dealing with it myself. It kinda makes me feel better that I’m not in this alone but it still hurts. It’s kinda crazy your situation sounds so similar, I can say reaching out to her didn’t work for me because lord knows I tried everything I could think of lol. She originally told me she just needed time and that she would explain to me and it was times that it seemed she had come back to me because she was asking to come over but every time she would back out at the last second and tell me she still wasn’t ready like she was scared. But now she’s completely withdrawn from me and I hate. It seemed like the more I pushed the more she retracted from me. That could be where my mistake was by pushing so hard but only she would be able to tell me that….
That’s the same conclusion I’ve come to – well she told me… The more I pushed (with the best of intentions) the more she pulled away.
My boyfriend of 2 years has suffered with severe anxiety and depression for years and was in hospital for it in May, and is now seeking professional help with the support of everyone around him including his family and friends. He broke up with me in February because he said he “felt nothing” anymore, but only a week later begged for me back saying he’d realised what a big mistake he’d made and that he didn’t know what else to do in the moment.
Fast forward to now, he says he is feeling emotionally numb again to the vast majority of people around him including me, and that he just wants to be able to not be fixed, to let loose and just go wild without anyone caring (almost as if the relationship is holding him back in some way), and he’s slowly pushing me away again. I am terrified we will have a repeat of what happened in February but I don’t know what to do. I’m giving him space and allowing him time to just focus on himself and enjoy himself without me for a few days but I feel so sad that this is the way it has to be.
I feel for you because I know how you feel only with my gf it’s been months. I’m not even sure we are together at this point because she hasn’t talked to me at all she just tells me she’s working on herself but haven’t actually broken up with me or anything so I’m kinda lost. I hope your situation pans out with your bf, I would hate for someone else to have to feel like this…..
My boyfriend of almost 2 years has told me he’s not happy with our relationship, his life, anything. He then told me he believes he is depressed. He has completely shut me out, we don’t live together so our only communication at the moment is via the phone which is killing me. He said he wants to give me space, but I don’t want space, I want him! He is only 23 and has his full life ahead of him but he can’t see that. I have told him I will be there every step of the way but he is just pushing me further out. What do I do? He’s agreed to seek help, but I can’t lose my best friend I am so lost and he has no idea how much he is hurting me!
Okay Idk if posting this we’ll find me the advice I’m looking for but it’s worth a try seeing as a lot of you have experience with depression or know someone who does. Anyways my girlfriend whom I have been with for a year now suffers from depression since she was about 14 I believe went through some traumatic experience about 3 months ago. She’s the loving caring person but since whatever happened happened she’s turned a complete 180. When I ask what happened she only says she’s not ready to talk to me about it. She’s had no disregard for me or our relationship since it happened and I feel like I’ve either lost her or am losing her rapidly. I don’t know what to do about the situation because she won’t allow me to be there for her through whatever is going on, it actually seem like she’s pushing me away the farthest and I don’t know whether to just move on with my life or try and stick by her because I love her enough to wait but it seems like it’s hopeless at this point. I’ve been trying countless things to try and get her to open up to me and have been shot down at every attempt. We hardly talk now, in fact she’s not talking to me at all right now but it’s seems like she has less trouble talking to friend than she does me. Her birthday just passed and I was hoping to get a chance to spend some time with her but of course didn’t but she told me her friends did something for her. I took that personally seeing as I have been trying everything to see her since this happened with no success but her friends could get her out the house no problem it seems. I haven’t talked on the phone or seen her since this all started and idk what to do at this point. Everyone I talk to tells me to leave her and just move on but it seems like what I should do but my heart is screaming otherwise. One last thing, from what little I’ve gotten out of her it sounds like she could have been raped or something, maybe it’s hard for her to love someone and easier to just be around friends Idk……
Depression is a cruel mistress! She steals into your lives, worms her way through every part of it. And if she can will tear you apart. I’ve been with my husband for almost 30 years .. and probably half of that I thought he was just moody, but I put it down to work, to studying, to illness … eventually he got diagnosed with depression. But he had the pills, got better … but of course it’s not that simple … she digs her claws in deep and just when you start to trust, start to believe, in she sweeps to have another go. This is how I’ve learnt to cope with it, I think of depression as a jealous lover, sometimes she woos him, but he loves me and will return. It is hard, impossibly so, and more than once I have wished he would go with her, or that I could was walk away … but then he reappears …
It’s great to hear people who understand, the most hurtful thing I find is when people say it’s so hard to have depression, it’s really difficult for them. I know it is! But try living watching the person you love disappear from view, try living with the blank stares, the numbness. Pick up your life and theirs, and keep your job, home and family on track until they come back. Be a single parent, spend cold nights, make endless excuses, always be ready to change your plans, always live on a knife edge and then tell me how hard it is. This is what it’s like to be a partner to someone with depression, it’s so hard, but your loved one is there, they are just hidden. And you have to trust and believe that. Even on the days you hate. And cry, and want to scream that you can’t take it anymore either. Because like waves it comes and goes. My love to any of you who live this life. You are not alone.
Oh my god. Thank you for writing this.
THIS IS THE SINGLE ARTICLE THAT DESCRIBES IT PERFECTLY. YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING, THANK YOU SO MUCH ! WISH I FOUND THIS EARLIER
My 16 year old sons suffers from social anxiety, school phobia and depression. It started in middle school and after treatment he slowly got back into school until a few moths ago. He stopped going and refuses to talk about what’s going on and refuses to seek treatment. It’s affecting our family greatly and Watching him withdraw from all aspects of his life is brutal. I have no idea how to help him if he refuses to talk to anyone or try meds again. School is ending and he will not be passing his classes. I offered alternatives to a traditional high school but refuses to engage in any conversation. Any advice would be much appreciatied.
I’m sorry this is happening to your son. I completely understand how depression and anxiety can affect the entire family. Sometimes the meds can have side effects, which may be why your son doesn’t want to take them any more. There are certainly other things he can do to help strengthen himself and to feel better. The biggest problem will be getting him to try them, because with depression comes hopelessness and it can be hard to believe that anything will make a difference.
Here is an article about anxiety in teens with some strategies that can be really powerful in strengthening the brain against anxiety and depression https://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-in-teens/
Mindfulness is really powerful and there is so much research that has confirmed the way it can help with anxiety and depression. The article talks about how and ways to do this. Exercise is also really important to restore important neurochemicals in the brain to healthy levels (they are often lower in people with anxiety and /or depression). Again, motivation might be the main challenge but even a 30 minute walk a few times a week will help. Finally, gut health is really important, so probiotics if lactobacillus supplements might also be helpful. A naturopath or pharmacist will be able to help with that.
I hope this helps. Know that there is a way through this for your son.
Living with someone suffering from depression is absolutely brutal. I’ve read several articles over the last few weeks that at least helped me make sense of what is going on with my wife. But I can’t say that they make me actually feel better. I was very confused when this wonderful woman I married, with her bright and sunny disposition, began to recede and transform before my very eyes. She began spending all her time in bed and on her cell phone or computer. She began finding faults and criticizing all these little things my kids were doing (my biological, her step), which then turned into a full-scale assault on the way I parent them. We’ve been together nearly four years, married almost three. At the beginning, she absolutely loved my kids. And I love her two VERY much. But over time, she has gotten more and more critical and disapproving of *my* kids, and over the last few months it seems like the only things she has to say about them are negative. It’s like she doesn’t see any of the positive things that they are doing in school or sports or anything else. They are teenage boys and she told me about a month ago that they are SO rude and disrespectful to her that she can’t even stand to be here any more. And then she actually moved out for about three weeks before she decided she wanted to come back and try to make things work. When I asked her what they were doing that was so bad and why she thought they were so rude and disrespectful to her (because I’ve never heard them talk ugly to her), she said that sometimes when she asks them how their day was it’s like they don’t even respond or she gets like a one word response. Well, yeah. They are teenagers. I get the same from them. Some days they’re chatty, some days they’re kind of sullen and quiet.
Before she moved out about a month ago and since she’s come back, she pretty much spends all her time in bed, and she is still convinced that we are the reason she is so unhappy. I’ve read all the articles about how I just need to be patient, don’t make her feel bad for how she is making me feel, let her know I still love her even the way she is right now, pick up the extra load (which I have been for a good while now, doing all the cooking, chores, taking kids to school and activities and what not)… oh, and don’t take the way she is treating me or the things she is saying personally. But you know what, honestly that is asking a hell of a lot of somebody. I’m supposed to suck it up, take care of all of my kids, my mom’s needs (she has chronic health problems and I help take care of her, too), and my depressed wife. I’m doing all those things, without any thanks or appreciation from the person who matters most in the world to me, and quite honestly I’m exhausted. I really don’t know how much longer I can do this. I feel like her depression is spreading to me and I really don’t want to live that way. Probably the saddest thing is how few of the articles and comments I’ve read from other people going through similar offer any real hope of change. I seriously don’t think I can live like this for the rest of my life. It isn’t healthy. Not for me. Not for my kids. And not for her.
I wish there was an easy fix for this. You sound like such a wonderfully supportive partner and a loving father and stepfather. It is important to be supportive but being a loving and supportive partner doesn’t mean compromising yourself indefinitely. It is also important that if you are doing everything you can (and it sounds as though you are) that your wife is also doing what she can for herself and her family. That means reaching out for the right support, whether that’s counselling, medication, or the lifestyle tweaks that help with depression.
We all have a responsibility to be emotionally responsible in our relationships and though depression can make this more difficult, it doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Depression is manageable, and people can certainly find their way back from depression but it does have to come from them. You can’t live someone out of depression. I wish we could, but we can’t. One of the awful things about depression is that the hopelessness and exhaustion can make it more difficult to believe that anything can make a difference but it absolutely can. Know that you matter too and in caring for your wife and supporting her, you also deserve happiness, love appreciation.
(And your teenagers sound wonderfully normal. It’s their job to explore their independence from us, and often that will mean that as they pull away, they stop engaging – but they do come back eventually. It’s all part of the adolescent adventure.)
I agree that any of us supporting someone with depression deserve love, happiness and appreciation.
What a difference it would make in my life if the person that I cared about could respond to me more often. He withdraws from me and then out of the blue just reminds me that he still loves me. I know I should be grateful that he is still expressing positivity towards me. Just wish that we could talk more.
Wow hearing some of these stories kinda makes you lose hope. I’ve only been with my girlfriend for a year now but outta no where she just completely shut me out. It’s been about 2 months since we’ve even had a conversation and the situation is feeling hopeless. I think I can make her feel better but where do I start when I can’t even get her to talk to me and I don’t want to force the issue on her. I love her and am trying to be patient but eventually you start to wonder is it the depression taking form in her life he do she just not love me anymore?
Christopher don’t lose hope. Depression can be a big challenge not only for the people who have it, but also for the people who love them. At some point, there are things that we will all struggle with. For the time being, it is your girlfriend who is struggling. Do what you can to love her and support her, if that’s what she wants, but also take care of you. You can support her, but you can’t do her growth for her – this is her journey. I wish we could do that for the people we love, but we can’t. Also remember that it is an illness, not a personality and there is a way through depression – many people move through depression and live happy, fulfilled lives. I hope you and your girlfriend are able to find your way through to this.
I too hope so. ITs just when we are together she’s so much better or so it seem so at least. That’s what I do dont understand why She chose to go it alone. But I’m patient and persistent, but it seems discouraging when call states and text and any other attemtps contact her gin ignored. IF gives a feeling of why keep trying?
Yeah that pretty much sums it up. I want to help her anyways I can but I don’t know how to reach her
I am going through the same thing right now Chris, except with my boyfriend. I am trying like hell to give him space, let him know I’m here for him, but he’s just gone. I am pretty sure he broke up with me through a text a couple days ago. So I don’t know if it’s the depression, or if his feelings truly have changed. I don’t want to lose him, but at the same time how do you help someone who doesn’t answer texts or phone calls?
Any update on your situation? Mines has reached what you described in your post. I haven’t heard from her for almost 3 weeks and don’t know if I should let go or just remain hopeful.
Idk if i can comment without crying. My boyfriend suffers from depression and anxiety. The last month has been hell. He’s so withdrawn, he doesn’t like talking, won’t respond to my texts, voicemail,or video messages. Idk what to do. Four weeks no communication, did he dump me idk. I went to his job caught him before he started his shift and at 7:30am he was already in mood swings. I asked do you still want me here for you, his response was I’m not about to havs this conversation with you and he walked away. I gave him my word that i would be there for him and to remind him he’s no longer the same person. Idk what to do. Can’t stop crying since Sunday, I miss him, I love him unconditionally.
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If you haven’t discovered the stickers, tattoos and tins yet, pop over and take a look. We’ve left the lights on for you!
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Nov 24
karenyoung_heysigmund
Boundaries aren`t requests we make of them. They`re the actions we take to keep them (and everyone else involved) physically safe, relationally safe, and to preserve values when they aren`t able to.
The rule: Phones in the basket at 5pm.
The boundary: (What I`m going to do when you`re having trouble with the rule.)
`Okay - I can see you`re having trouble popping your phone in the basket. I`m just going to sit beside you as a reminder that it`s time. Take your time. I`ll just watch over your shoulder until you`re ready. So who are we texting? What are we watching?`
Or:
`I know you hate this rule. It`s okay to be annoyed. It`s not okay to yell. I`m not going to listen while you`re yelling.`
Then, `This phones in the basket thing is chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. We`ll see how we go tomorrow and if it`s bumpy, we`ll shift to phones in the basket from 4:30pm. Let`s see how we go.`
It`s not a punishment or a threat. It`s also not about what they do, but about what we do to lead the situation into a better place.
Of course, this doesn`t always mean we`ll hold the boundary with a calm and clear head. It certainly doesn`t mean that. We`re human and sometimes we`ll lose our own minds as though they weren`t ours to own. Ugh. Been there too many times. That`s okay - this is an opportunity to model humility, repair, self-compassion. What`s important is that we repair the relational rupture as soon as we can. This might sound like, `I`m sorry I yelled. That must have been confusing for you - me yelling at you to stop yelling. Let`s try that again.`❤️
Nov 18
karenyoung_heysigmund
Boundaries are about what WE do to preserve physical safety, relational safety, and values. They aren’t about punishment. They’re the consequences that make sense as a way to put everything right again and restore calm and safety.
When someone is in the midst of big feelings or big behaviour, they (as with all of us when we’re steamy) have limited capacity to lead the situation into a better place.
Because of this, rather than focusing on what we need them to do, shift the focus on what we can do to lead back to calm.
This might sound like:
The rule (what we want them to do): Phones go in the basket at 5pm.
The boundary (what we do when the rule is broken), with love and leadership: ‘I can see you’re having trouble letting go of your phone. That’s okay - I’m just going to sit beside you until you’re ready. Take your time. You’re not in trouble. I’ll just stay here and watch over your shoulder until you’re done.’
Or …
‘I can see this phones in the basket process is dragging out and chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. If that keeps happening I’ll be starting this process at 4pm instead of 5pm.’
And if there’s a bit of spice in their response, part of being a reliable, sturdy leader is also being able to lead them through that. Even if on the inside you feel like you’re about to explode 🤯 (we’ve all been there), the posture is ‘I can handle this, and I can handle you.’ This might sound like,
‘Yep you’re probably going to have a bit to say about it. That’s okay - I don’t need you to agree with me. I know it’s annoying - and it’s happening.’
‘I won’t listen when you’re speaking to me like this. Take your time though. Get it out of you and then we can get on with the evening.’
Then, when the spicy has gone, that’s the time to talk about what’s happened. ‘You’re such a great kid. I know you know it’s not okay to talk to me like that. How are we going to put this right? Let’s yet 5pm again tomorrow and see how we go. If it causes trouble we’ll start earlier. I actually think we’ll be okay though.’♥️
Nov 10
karenyoung_heysigmund
So ready to get started with ‘Hey Little Warrior’ in Melbourne. This is my fourth time this year presenting this workshop in Melbourne and we sell out every time.
So what do we do here?! We dive into how to support young children with anxiety. It’s my favourite thing to talk about. I love it. Even more than whether or not I want dessert. We talk about new ways to work with anxiety in littles so they can feel braver and bigger in the presence of it. This workshop is loaded with practical strategies. I love presenting this workshop.
(And yes - always yes to dessert. As if I would ever skip the most important meal of the day. Pffftt.)
@compass_australia
Oct 27
karenyoung_heysigmund
They’re often called sensory preferences, but they’re sensory needs.
In our adult worlds we can move our bodies and ourselves to seek regulation. If we don’t like noise we’re less likely to be DJs for example. If we don’t love heights we’re less likely to be pilots or skydivers. If we feel overwhelmed, we can step outside, go into an office, go to the bathroom, or pop on headphones for a break. If we need to move, we can stand, walk to get a tea. At school, this is so much harder.
When bodies don’t feel safe, there will be anxiety. This will potentially drive fight (anger, tantrums), flight (avoidance, running away, movement), or shutdown (in quiet distress and can’t learn).
These are physiological issues NOT behavioural ones.
Whenever we can, we need to support physiological safety by accommodating sensory needs AND support brave behaviour. What’s tricky is disentangling anxiety driven by unmet sensory needs, from anxiety driven by brave behaviour.
The way through is to support their physiological needs, then move them towards brave behaviour.
Schools want to support this. They want all kids to be happy and the best they can be, but there will be a limit on their capacity to support this - not because they don’t want to, but because of a scarcity of resources.
There will often be many children with different physiological needs. Outside school there is nowhere else that has to accommodate so many individual needs, because as adults we won’t be drawn to environments that don’t feel okay. In contrast, school requires all kids to attend and stay regulated in the one environment.
For now, we don’t have a lot of options. Yes there are schools outside mainstream, and yes there is home school, but these options aren’t available to everyone.
So, until mainstream schools are supported with the resources (staff, spaces, small classes, less demand on curriculum … and the list goes on), what can we do?
- Help school with specific ways to support your child’s physiology while being mindful that teachers are also attending to the needs of 25+ other nervous systems. But be specific.
- Limit the list. Make this a ‘bare minimum needs’ list, not a ‘preferences’ one.♥️
Oct 20
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