Anxiety is unpredictable, confusing and intrusive. Itâs tough. Not just for the people who have it but also for the people who love them. If you are one of those people, you would know too well that the second hand experience of anxiety feels bad enough – youâd do anything to make it better for the one going through it.
We all have our âstuffâ â the things that we struggle with. Ultimately, they are the things that will make us braver, wiser, stronger, more compassionate and better humans. Itâs just the way it works. The difference with anxiety is that the struggle is more visible.
Whether we struggle with anxiety, confidence, body image â whatever – there are things that we all need to make the world a little bit safer, a little bit more predictable, a little less scary. We all have our list. When someone you love has anxiety, their list is likely to look at little like this:
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It’s no biggie. So don’t act like it is.
In the thick of an anxiety attack nothing will make sense, so best not to ask whatâs going on or if they’re okay. No. They won’t be okay. And yes. It will feel like the world is falling apart at the seams. They’ll be feeling awful, but they’ll get through it. If youâve seen it all before thereâll be no need to ask anyway â and they’ll love that you know not to. Ask if they want to go somewhere else – maybe somewhere quieter or more private.  Don’t panic or do anything that might give them the idea that you need looking after. Go for a walk with them – physical activity is the natural end of the fight or flight response, which is the trigger point of anxiety. Otherwise just be there. They’ll know what to do. They’ll have done it plenty of times before. Soon it will pass and when it does theyâll be able to talk to you about what has happened, but wait for that. Then listen. We all love when someone is able to just be there.
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There’s a bit to know, so if you can understand everything you can … well that makes you kind of awesome.
It makes a difference to be able to talk about anxiety without having to explain it. On the days they donât feel like they have it in them to talk about it, it means a lot that you just âget itâ. If youâve tried to understand everything you can about what it means to have anxiety then thatâs enough. Anxiety is hard to make sense of – people with anxiety will be the first to tell you that – but it will mean everything that youâve tried. They’ll love you for it.
[irp posts=”1100″ name=”The Things I’ve Learned About Anxiety – That Only People With Anxiety Could Teach Me”]
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It’s physical.
Anxiety is a completely normal physical response to a brain thatâs being a little over-protective. Itâs not crazy and itâs not deficient. Thereâs a primitive part of the brain thatâs geared to sense threat. Itâs all action and not a lot of thought and itâs in all of us. For some people, it fires up a lot sooner and with a lot less reason than it does in others. When it does, it surges the body with cortisol (the stress hormone) and adrenalin to get the body ready to run for its life or fight for it. This is the fight or flight response and itâs in everyone. Itâs just that in some people (people with anxiety) the âgoâ button is a bit more sensitive.
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You’ll want them as part of your tribe. (Seriously. They’re pretty great to have around.)
Because of their need to stay safe and to prepare against the next time anxiety rears its head, people who struggle with anxiety will generally have a plan – and they will have worked hard to make sure it works for everyone involved, not just for themselves. Theyâll make sure everything has been organised to keep everyone safe, happy, on time and out of trouble. They’ll make sure everyone has what they need and if there’s anything that hasn’t been thought of, well it’s probably not worth thinking about. Notice the good things they do â there are plenty. Let them know you love them because of who they are, including who they are with anxiety, not despite it.
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Anxiety has nothing to do with courage or character. Nothing at all.
Courage is feeling the edge of yourself and moving beyond it. We all have our limits but people with anxiety are just more aware of theirs. Despite this, they are constantly facing up to the things that push against their edges. Thatâs courage, and people with anxiety have it in truckloads. Remind them that you see who they are and that this has nothing to do with that anxiety thing they do sometimes. People with anxiety are strong â you have to be to live with something like that. Theyâre sensitive â they’ll be as sensitive to you and what you need as they are to their environment. That makes them pretty awesome to be with. They’re reliable â to control for the potential of something triggering an attack, anxious people will go the extra step to make sure there’s a plan and that everyone is safe, happy and have everything they need. Theyâre intelligent â theyâre thinkers (which is what gets in their way sometimes). They can be funny, kind, brave and spirited. So I suppose itâs like this â theyâre no different to anyone else. As with everyone, the thing that trips them up sometimes (their anxiety) is also the thing that lifts them above the crowd.
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Make sure thereâs room to say ânoâ. And donât take it personally.
Sometimes plans might need to be changed to steer clear of anxiety stepping in unexpectedly. People with anxiety will be sensitive to your needs (they’re pretty great like that) and changing plans isn’t something they’ll do lightly. Your flexibility will never be taken for granted. There are many things in the environment that most people think nothing of, but which can be the beginning of an anxiety attack for a brain on hyper-drive. Things that are ambiguous or neutral can sometimes be read as a threat â not by the person, but by an overprotective brain. People with anxiety are super-aware of everything going on â smells, sounds, people, possibilities. Itâs exhausting when your attention is drawn to so many things. Donât take ânoâ personally – theyâre never meant like that. Know that just because they might not want to be doing what youâre doing, that doesnât mean they donât want to be with you. Keep offering â donât assume everything you offer will be met with ânoâ â but be understanding and âno big dealâ if you arenât taken up on your offer. They are saying no to a potential anxiety attack. Not to you.
[irp posts=”824″ name=”Anxiety in Kids: How to Turn it Around and Protect Them For Life”]
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Loads of lovinâ never hurt anyone.
Be compassionate and be there. Talk up the things you love about them. There will be times that people with anxiety will feel like they are their anxiety and that they are a source of difficulty. (Who hasnât felt like theyâre making things harder than they need to be? Câmon be honest.) Specifically, Iâm talking about when plans have to be changed, when you need to book a few rows back from the front row, turn the radio down, take the long way. If this is the worst you have to deal with in a friend, sign me up.
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Anxiety can change shape.
Anxiety can be slippery. Sometimes it looks the way you’d expect anxiety to look. Other times it looks cranky, depressed or frustrated. Remember this and don’t take it personally.
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Donât try to make sense of whatâs happening.
People with anxiety know that their anxiety doesnât make sense. Thatâs what makes it so difficult. Explaining that thereâs nothing to worry about wonât mean anything – it just wonât â because they already know this. (Oh boy do they know this!) They would have told themselves not to worry a billion times the number of times youâve said it to them. If it hasnât helped so far then one more wonât make a difference. Be understanding, calm and relaxed and above all else, just be there. Anxiety feels flighty and thereâs often nothing that feels better than having someone beside you whoâs grounded, available and okay to go through this with you without trying to change you. Telling them not to worry is as effective as asking you not to think about pink elephants. Really try not to think about pink elephants swinging from a vine. With flowers in their hair. Just stop thinking about them, those crazy big pink babes. See how that works?
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Donât try to change them.
Youâll want to give advice. But donât. Let them know that to you, theyâre absolutely fine the way they are and that you donât need to change them or fix them. If they ask for your advice then of course, go for it. but otherwise, let them know that they are enough. More than enough actually. Just the way they are.Â
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‘You just need to get over it,’ said the person who doesn’t get it.
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Anxiety just happens and often thereâs no real target. So if you’re suggesting they just need to ‘get over it’, the obvious question is get over what? If people with anxiety only needed a bit of direction to ‘get over it’, they would have given it to themselves and been over it long ago. Telling them to get over it is like telling them they’re doing something wrong. You donât tell an asthmatic just to breathe. Tough love isnât love. Itâs just tough. Actually it isn’t even that.
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Donât confuse their need to control their environment with their need to control you. Sometimes they look the same. Theyâre not.
The need to control for everything that might go wrong is hard work. For the same reasons that drive anxious people to make sure that everyone has what they need, everyone is looked after, that things are under control and the likelihood of anything turning bad is minimised â for the same reasons youâre looked after â you might also feel controlled. See it for what it is. Itâs the need to feel safe and in control of the possibility of anxiety running the show â not the need to control you. You might get frustrated â thatâs okay â all relationships go through that. Having compassion doesnât mean you have to go along with everything put in front of you, so talk things out gently if you need to. Donât be critical though. Nobody likes that.  Just remember, while your resistance might look more like a âwonâtâ theirs looks more like a âcanâtâ.
And finally …
Know how important you are to them. Anyone who stays around through the hard stuff is a keeper. People with anxiety know this. Being there for someone during their struggles will only bring the relationship closer. Nothing sparks a connection more than really getting someone, being there, and bringing the fun into the relationship – because youâve gotta have fun. Be the one who refuses to let anxiety suck the life of out everything. And know youâre a keeper. Yep. You are. Know that they are grateful – so grateful – for everything you do. And that they love you back.
Hi, I started dating a guy last September, he was amazing, kind, loving. I have never met such a polite and caring person. He told me that he loved me all the time and we were getting along great, we shared the same hobbies, both play musical instruments.
Then on 2nd January he said he couldn’t be with me anymore, I didn’t really know him, he needed me too much and he was scared of hurting me. He has hardly spoken to me since. I have asked him if he has anxiety problems but he doesn’t know, he’s sorry, he still likes me, still cares about me. He says he can’t explain it. He knows I would do anything to help him but he just needs sleep and rest.
What do I do? I really want to help him.
I wish there was an easy way to fix this for you. It sounds as though you have made it really clear that you would do anything for him and you can’t do much more than that. This is his growth now, whatever that looks like, and nobody can do it for him. If he has asked for space, give that to him, but set an end date in your own mind so that you aren’t left ‘hanging’ indefinitely. I wish you all the best with this.
Hi ,
The same thing happened to me with my boyfriend. It was very hard and confusing for me at first because it was like he was someone else. At the end (after lots of failed try’s of getting back together and convincing him if getting counsel) I decided to give him time and space to heal or sort out what was going on with his life. I kept living mine and started some healing of my own.
Few months after we reconnected, he was getting the help he needed and was starting to feel like the person he was without anxiety. I never lost hope and prayed for him to get better.
Keep positive and take care. Time will tell.
Hi,
I live with my daughter- in her 20’s . She suffers from anxiety.
It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to be there for her. The simplest comment or question turns into a trigger for her.
I would love to understand what I can do to help. Instead I feel I am making it worse.
Do you have any other practical advise besides ‘be there for her’?
It would be greatly appreciated.
There are some really powerful and proven ways to manage anxiety and ease the symptoms, but they are things your daughter will need to do. Mindfulness and exercise have been proven over and over by research to change the structure and function of the brain in ways that strengthen and protect it against anxiety. There are articles on this link with lots of practical advice for how to manage anxiety https://www.heysigmund.com/category/being-human/anxiety/. If you can, have a look through for the ones you think would be most relevant for her and see if you can chat to her about trying something to help herself feel better. I know this will be hard and that she may not be open to it, but if she can hear it, I’m sure it will really make a difference for her (and you!).
I have anxiety and the most helpful things have been 1. meditation, (mindfulness or a simple self-inquiry – in the advaita tradition – through these practices, we learn to observe thoughts and feelings without being overwhelmed by them, and increasingly become able to be present – no matter what.
2. Therapy: confronting fears in safe environment.
3. Regular exercise and diet help the brain to recover from impacts of stress – stops the minds racing – feel good endorphins – and great way to let go/forget anxieties.
Your daughter has your unconditional love, and to remind her of this -your love regardless of her anxiety – whether she gets ‘better’ or not – this is enormous support. Yes- I think it is possible for every anxiety sufferer to live a good life. it is possible to stop fearing anxiety, and fearing the things that trigger it. It might take time, but she can do it. Ultimately she is the one who has to reach out – you can only suggest the options that are out there, and offer to take her if this helps. Sometimes it takes time for the therapy or the meditation or the exercise to make a difference, but it will, and when it does her confidence will grow that though anxiety is a real challenge and obstacle – she will find her way through it if she gives herself a chance.
Thank you for writing this.
My girlfriend has very bad anxiety and it’s extremely hard for me sometimes.
Especially when we start to talk about big life subjects such as where we are going to live, kids, and career choices.
We disagree on some things and many times I am unsure how to handle it.
I try my best to be calm and patient but sometimes I get very upset because she doesn’t want to try new things or switch her opinion/views.
Any tips on how to deal with this?
Robert I understand how difficult this can be for you. This is the reality of severe anxiety – your girlfriend would also wish it wasn’t like this. Is she working on ways to ease her anxiety, because there are things that can really help. Exercise and mindfulness have been proven over and over again to change the structure and function of the brain in ways that can protect it and strengthen it against anxiety. Here is an article that will explain this https://www.heysigmund.com/how-to-help-with-anxiety/. You sound like you are a wonderful support.
I am medicated for generalized anxiety disorder to the point where anxiety does not rule my life. Recently however, I had what my doctor called a “life crisis” and my generalized anxiety roared back despite the meds. I was given something to enhance the effects of my meds, but that’s another story.
It was during this anxious “breakdown” (if you will), that I realized just how hard it is to be a caregiver to someone who is anxious. It is an awful feeling to think you are a burden on someone else, especially a loved one, but it doesn’t have to fully be this way. I’ve decided to reach out less to those in my immediate family who appear to be greatly effected by my anxiety (largely because they have anxiety themselves.
The state I’m in is temporary because I’m a very different person when on optimal meds, so I try to reach out only to those who can handle it.
Please excuse my ignorance, do people suffering with anxiety actually ever become ‘cured’ for want of a better term or is it a life long condition(?) with good days and bad days with each morning being a lottery as to how the sufferer will be felling?
Many Thanks
Scott this is a really good question. We all experience anxiety on some level – we would be dead if we didn’t. Anxiety is the fight or flight response that helps to warn us of danger and get our bodies ready to deal with the threat by making us stronger, faster and more powerful. All of the physical symptoms of anxiety are because of this very normal, very instinctive response. Anxiety becomes a problem when the part of the brain that initiates the response becomes a little too overprotective and hits the panic button too often and too unnecessarily. This can certainly be managed though, and we are learning more and more about the way we can strengthen the anxious part of the brain. People might stay vulnerable to anxiety, but without a doubt many people will find ways to manage their symptoms to anxiety doesn’t intrude into their lives. I hope this clears things up for you.
I have a problem and I would realily love some advice. I recently started dating a guy and just found out he had anxiety. He told me. It’s been about a month but I’ve know him since in was 18. we have seen each other in like 15 years and we hit it right off. he had a bad day and that’s when he told me about the anxiety. I goggled about when u like a guy with anxiety and what to do.. I found nice words to say and sent him a text and let him know I’d be around when he was ready.. I copied the text and sent it to a mutual friend that has known him since he was tiny and asked if I was being annoying and them I went on to tell her what I had googled about when u like someone with anxiety but I sent that to him by mistake and he hasn’t spoken to me since.. I am heartbroken we were awesome together. does he think I’m a bitch or do I need to give him time. I just wanted to cheer him up. I immediately apologized and explained what I was doing.. it’s been a week.. I don’t know what to do but I want him back
Talk to him and explain that it came from a place of love and that you wanted to understand more about what he was going through. Unless you are able to speak with him, it’s difficult to know what he is thinking or feeling. He may have felt as though his trust was broken a little when he spoke with you about something that was important and personal to him, and you spoke about that with someone else. All you can do is apologise.
For someone who has suffered for many years with anxiety, I’ve finally had it with it all. I have only yesterday lost the only good think that had ever happened to me apart from 4 kids. I’m now at the bottom of the barrel but I’m not staying down there I have to much to gain . I want the woman of my dreams back in my life and I want my life back. So today is the start of a new beginning. I am a good person I am worthy of her and if I was not a good looking bloke I would not of had her on my arm. I’m not ashamed anymore of being this way as it what makes me who I am.
My partner and I have been together for 8 years. We recently bought our first house together, during which process my partner began experiencing extreme anxiety around our relationship. She has previously suffered with more general anxiety. There was nothing ‘wrong’ in our relationship she could point to, but she felt she wasn’t in the ‘right place’ for her. Shortly after buying the house, her feelings became so intense that felt she had to move out and stay with relatives. I love her more than I can express, and not having her next to me at the beginning and end of each day is so hard. We have tried to maintain distance to give her space, and she has begun seeing a counselor. We both still love each other, but she has told me that she no longer knows whether that is enough. I think neither of us know any longer whether these feelings are simply those of a person growing apart from a relationship, or manifestations of an anxiety disorder focused on the what means most to her.
John this sounds so confusing for you. It’s a healthy step that your partner is getting counselling. This will hopefully help her with strategies to manage her anxiety so it is less intrusive into your relationship.
Thank you for this article! It is good to read about a few tools that I can use to understand how I can deal better with having a boyfriend with anxiety. I’m happy that we’ve talked about it a lot before and he tries to explain things about it to me. It is still something I struggle with and sometimes I don’t know what to do. Ever since we started dating he has been leaning a lot on me emotionally and i’ve been taking up part of his fears, which was very exhausting and has given me a lot of stress. We now know that I can’t fix his problems and he has been seeing a therapist. It now goes a lot better with both him and me, but I am still afraid that I won’t have enough energy to be a support for him everytime it gets rough for him. No matter how much i want to help him and care for him, I notice that i takes so much of my own energy. I love him very much and really want to be with him, but I worry his fears will always be there and I will always have to take care of things we should actually be doing together or things he should be taking care of himself. Is there anyone in a similair situation who has some advice?
Hi Laura,
Im with you on that one.
Just continue to be there for him and always give him an assurance that everything is gonna be okay.
Laura: I don’t even know where to begin. When I read the article I kept thinking, why didn’t I see this coming and why wasn’t I more compassionate. When I look back on my failed marriage of 15 years I can see each of the points in the article clear as day and they haunt me. Like you, I questioned whether or not I had the strength to take this on. I decided to marry my partner and that my a superior skills of compassion would carry the day. This was naĂŻve. If I could do it all over I’m not sure I would. It sucked the joy out of my life. It’s not anyone’s fault, but I would say that if something in your gut is trying to tell you something, think long and hard before getting in deeper. It was much bigger than me and still haunts me that I eventually had to step away.
I would definitely not have married my husband if I knew. I ignored the signs, or rather, minimized them. My mistake. I would have been much happier if I had walked away.
I am currently in a relationship with a father of 2 girls. We have been living together for 8 months now. His girls reside with us weekly alternating weeks. One of the girls has recently been diagnosed with moderate depression and anxiety and was advised that she see a psychologist. She had her first appointment a few days ago, and we were just informed by her mother that during the session she had a complete panic attack or breakdown and it came out that his daughter has extreme anxiety about me, and is even scared to be at our home when I am present. I’m not sure how I am supposed to deal with this? I feel I should talk to her but I don’t know what to say. The thing is, when she is around me she acts completely normal and happy and has even started giving me hugs before bed, so I am very confused.
Lisa I completely understand why this would be so confusing for you. What you are describing though is not really that unusual in stepfamilies. Something that all stepchildren are vulnerable to is a ‘loyalty bind’. This isn’t anyone’s fault and it can happen in any stepfamily. A loyalty bind is when the stepchild feels as though they are betraying the other biological parent (in your stepdaughter’s case, her mother) if they show loyalty or love to the step-parent. When you think about it through the child’s eyes, it’s very understandable how it can happen. They don’t do this to cause trouble or to make things difficult for the new step-parent. It’s just a really confusing situation for them. Feeling stuck between two people they care about is understandably going to produce anxiety in certain situations. It explains why, when she is just with you, she is really happy and affectionate. When it is just you, she doesn’t have to worry about her mother feeling displaced or as though she loves you more. Of course, the adults in your stepdaughter’s life know that this isn’t about you competing with her mother, or that you have no intention of ever wanting to replace her mother, and even if her mother feels completely okay about you being in your stepdaughter’s life, for kids it can be confusing.
When kids are in loyalty binds, one of the reasons it feels so awful for them is because they might feel a need to ‘prove’ their loyalty to the biological parent by talking about their dislike of the step-parent – even if they adore the step-parent. Again, it’s really important to remember that this isn’t bad behaviour, or wanting to cause trouble, and it doesn’t mean that your stepdaughter’s mother is doing anything at all to encourage this (though that can sometimes happen inadvertently) – it just means that your stepdaughter feels a great need to let her mother know that she is loyal and loves her and that you won’t change that.
If you suspect this may be happening, the best thing to do is to work with her mother and gently give your stepdaughter the following messages:
>> From you: that you are never going to replace her mother, that you never want to replace her mother, and that she can have relationship with you and her mother at the same time – both loving, but different.
>> From her mother: that she (the mother) loves that you are in her (her daughter’s) life, that she knows how much her daughter loves her, that she absolutely 100% supports a relationship between you and her daughter.
>> From both of you: that you both understand how difficult it can be when you are in a stepfamily; that you understand it can be difficult sometimes because she doesn’t want her mother to feel ‘left out’ or replaced; that you both understand and would never let it happen that her mother is replaced.
I hope this makes sense. Here is an article that might also be useful https://www.heysigmund.com/being-a-stepparent/. As I said, without knowing more I can only speculate that this might be going on, but it’s not at all unusual in stepfamilies for loyalty binds to happen, and behaving one way in front of you and expressing different feelings about you when she is with her mother is a classic sign. I also really need to be clear that it dosen’t mean anybody is doing the wrong thing – it’s just something that happens sometimes, and it’s just one of the things that stepfamilies have to work through. Sometimes it’s just about weathering the storm and trying not to take it personally.
Your thoughtfulness and open heart towards your stepdaughters will help to make this work and will help you to be a wonderful presence in their lives.
I feel like there is never a solution and each time something happens that triggers a loved ones anxiety everything else is up for rehash and/or the littlest misspeak is taken totally out of context creating something else to be aggravated about adding to the pile. The taller the pile the harder it is to get to the bottom and begin again. His positive has gone negative and that leaves me lost and struggling for air
Exactly my sentiments. Living with a spouse who suffers is hard. I’m exhausted of having to walk on egg shells to make sure that I give enough space and understanding as not to contribute to the problem which I seem to do unintentionally at every corner. At the same time, the expressionless looks or depressing face creates an atmosphere of darkness for the rest of the family.
Same here,can’t stand all the negativity!my 20 yr old daughter makes me feel like a prisoner.she can’t be alone,she can’t handle storms,gets depressed and causes problems with her words.she’s just now seeking treatment,it just can’t happen fast enough!
At last, I have found people going through the same thing – living with someone with recurring anxiety. My 18 year old son has been anxiety free all year …until last week. Our lives have been turned upside down and to say I hate my life right now is an understatement. Over the years we have lived with his condition I have learned it can come from nowhere with speed and such force, physically and mentally draining the whole family. Cancelled plans, not being able to leave the house – totally agree it feels like being a prisoner. Help can’t come quick enough for him too – we are looking at a 6 month wait for councelling unless we pay. I am struggling too with my own anxiety over this relapse, his first major one in almost 18 months. The last period of his anxiety and depression lasted over 6 months, a truly awful time for the family. If anyone’s out there can give me advice on how I can best cope, and get my head around the possibility that I will be seeing my son relapse many more times throughout his life I would be grateful. So glad I found this website…
I can totally relate. Sometimes I feel like I am part of the problem because I give in too easily. I make excuses of why he doesnât attend family functions. At home I am constantly asking him if he is okay. I am always waiting for another panic attack. I wish I could walk away from the relationship at times but I am afraid of what might happen.
Ok I have a question. I am in a relatively new relationship. 2.5 months. We are both falling for each other and everything is great. I’m just looking for someone to help me understand. My partner suffers from anxiety. This past Monday and Tuesday I could tell she was off by her texts. Tuesday she admitted she was tired and worn out because there were more people at the Christmas dinner than she had expected and she needed to recover. Which often takes a few days when she has an attack. Tuesday night she got quite sick. In the hospital Monday for throwing up for 11 hours.. I never heard from her again since early Wednesday morning. I offered to go there and she said no. Yesterday morning I asked how she was. Said exhausted. I asked if I could do anything or come take care of her. She said no and that she just needed to be alone to recover and rest. I asked if she was mad at me and she said no. Just needed to rest as she was throwing up for 11 hours and had not eaten in 2 days. I told her to let me know if she changed her mind about me coming down and I’d be there. Said I missed her. She said, I will and I miss you too. I should be better by tomorrow.. I haven’t heard from her since.. I’m lost on how this anxiety can take a toll on a person, and I’m hurt by the all of a sudden distance from her and not letting me come take care of her. Is this all normal? To break down and hide for days? She normally talks to me about what’s bothering her. I’m falling in love with this woman and any suggestions people can give me would be greatly appreciated
Anxiety can sometimes drive people to retreat to where they feel safe, particularly if something has happened that has been difficult. What’s important is understanding your partner’s experience of anxiety, and whether or not this is normal for her. Speak with her about what she needs from you when this happens. How often does it happen? What are the triggers? How long does it last? These are the questions that only she can answer. Anxiety can take different shapes for different people. I completely how confusing it can be, but we all have our ‘stuff’. The more you can understand about hers, the easier it will be for both of you moving forward, and the more connected you can be to each other.
I going through the Exactly the same thing as you do. I’m confuse, hurt and extremely worry about him. I read and read looking up all the answers that I can get so I can understand more. I calmly reaching out to him. let him know that I love him and he mean the world to me. but I just don’t know how long he have to suffer dealing with it. I’m scare I might loose him because the time lines none communication.
I had been going through similar experiences before. Yeah, different people have different “stuff”. Mostly importantly is to ask. And what they say, they mean it. I had encounter someone who goes under anxiety and she prefer to be alone to fight it. She had been telling you she had been throwing out for 11 hours and she mentioned she is exhausted. If she is a introvert, she needs space to recover herself. Different people have different space timing. Some may need a few days, 1 or 2 weeks. She also tells you no, so you may respect her. Just like the author said give rooms to “No”. Give her some time and ask her when she is feeling better. Talk to her about it when it happens next time what can you do or what does she needs. There might be other reasons for her not to let you go. I do understand your worry about her. Check in with her after 1 or 2 days
The thing with anxiety is its slippery exterior, for me I am always wanting to feel safe, it’s part of the fear, some days it can be all about the things that might happen going to the shops and another day something else. My most dominant fear is of my wife leaving me, she is my ‘safe place’ and being intimate with her is my safest time. For me the rest of the world and my fears with it just dissapear and it is just us. Sadly though this to her feels like I am using her, so she only wants to be intimate when I am not suffering at my worst. As any one with anxiety will know after any relief from anxiety, when it comes back it feels ten times worse until you have hardened to the pain and fear, it is at this point you desire safety and relief the most but for me it is when I receive it least. This is a cycle that goes on and on through lack of understanding and the way neediness is unsexy. If my wife could change her mindset and be intimate with me when I was scared the relief and ego boost would help to the point I probably wouldn’t feel anxious, but instead we live in a perpetual state of misery because of her lack of desire for a clingy person.
Thats really good info to help others to understand what we go threw with anxity.
I thought that too! I’m trying to put myself more in my ex shoes. try to understand how difficult I can be, what i can do stop, and appreciate them more.
Okay…here’s my two cents worth. Everything in the article is excellent and heart-felt. Good advice for those living with an anxiety-prone person.
Generalised Anxiety Disorder is in my family. It has travelled down my mother’s side of the family and into both my brother and me. We get the “panic attacks” (such a horrible term) when we have any symptoms that might relate to cancer or problems with our eyes. Cancer because it has killed most of our family, including our parents and eyes because bother he and I are terrified of blindness.
His wife and my wife both tell us horrible things when the panic strikes. “you’re not acting like a man; snap out of it!; how could you do this to your children?: think of the shame you are causing in our friends”…blah…blah…blah.
1/ People who have panic attacks and GAD cannot control it…yelling at them or telling them to snap out of it will just make them feel worse (and they already feel like crap anyway).
2/ Insulting the person makes them feel even worse. Denigrating them by telling them to “act like a man” can push them to suicide. Don’t go there!
3/ Give them space… Take them to a doctor who will listen to their concerns and reassure them. This WILL help.
4/ Medication like Seroquel can help.
5/ They will come out of the panic…it just takes a little time. Be patient.
That’s it.
I would like to add for anyone suffering from panic attacks, many mental health facilities offer programs that teach you to overcome them. These are regular mental health facilities with licensed psychologists and psychiatrists. I attended a 16 week workshop and have been panic free since. The programs have about a 75% success rate and success is greatly based on your participation. It was not easy – but neither is living with panic. In my program, we received one lesson per week and began learning about the fight or flight response and chemical reactions and triggers etc. We had to learn to become objective observers (this took time and happened gradually) of the panic attack such as what was the first symptom, then the second symptom (increase in heart beat, tight chest or sweaty palm etc). We also practiced and desensitized ourselves to the symptoms (example, running up the stairs to increase our heart rate so that a simple increase in heart rate was no longer fearful. Anyway, it is hard to sum it up here – but the programs (and go with someone familiar with these programs not general counseling) … the program works. I got to the point I was getting excited catching the first symptoms and once I got excited about it (yes, smiling in line at the grocery story happy about the panic attack), the fear of the panic was gone and I never had another panic attack. Yes, there are times I have anxiety over things, and that is normal and healthy. But panic is a thing of the past. Well wishes to all.
What was the name of the workshop please? and the contact information
Hi,
I appreciate your insight on anxiety. I am learning more about my anxiety as years go by. I have a low thyroid and learned it can trigger depression. I have separation anxiety. I feel the pain of losing someone long after. I cry a lot. Many times I am at peace after a good cry. I have had coworker acting out tough love on me. She did not have all the facts and she was judging me. It did not help at all. She is not a qualified counsellor. After all my losses and approaching old age living alone; I need understanding. I have been working long after 65. We are no longer speaking. I did not need scolding like a little child. I know what she is saying but unless you are walking in my shoes please just be there. And when I did find that someone he bailed. I was devastated. I feel abandoned and alone in life.
Thank you for listening.
m
sorry to hear you feel alone. do you see a therapist?
A CBT (cognitive behavior therapist) Therapist can help you learn how to deal with your anxiety
Well Maria you are never alone. You have us . My girlfreind of 4 years is dealing with anxiety. It s tuff battle for her . I see it all the time . It is tough on me also. Never knowing what I can do to help. She is my world and plan on sticking with her to thick and thin.
@ Maria if you need a friend or someone to be there for you am here đ
Hey, so my boyfriend is stuggling with anxiety at the moment (he has been for years), and I always try to be there for him and be the best listener I can be. I love him unconditionally and I try to tell him he’s perfect just the way he is as often as acceptable. The thing is, he doesn’t really seem te appreciate it all that much. Whenever we’re talking about his anxiety (of course only when he started the conversation and wanted to talk to me about it), he is very short in his replies, rarely shows gratitude towards me always trying my best to be there for him and going out of my way to talk to him, and it just kinda seems like he takes it all for granted. without a second thought. I started tearing up at the “and finally”paragraph because he doesn’t show how important I am to him and that he considers me a keeper (he even broke up with me not too long ago but a week afterwards called me in the middel of the night crying that he misses me), and that makes it sometimes very hard for me to finish the conversations about anxiety with a good feeling. I sometimes just want that “thank you” or “I love you” text at the end of such conversations, just so that I know that I’m not doing it for nothing and he really does appreciate it as much as you say he does. I feel like a douche for feeling this way though…
– Yorick, a small town boy from The Netherlands.
Yorick – you are NOT a douche! You sound like a wonderfully, open-hearted, generous partner. Don’t change this about you. What you are describing is so normal and understandable. We all need to know that we are loved by the people who are important to us. Some people have trouble showing it, but that doesn’t mean they don’t feel it. Keep being who you are – you sound like someone pretty extraordinary to be around.
Hi I tried to leave a reply here in august but mine wasn’t uploaded. Since then, I have subscribed newly updated replies.
With courage, I am leaving a reply again. When I met him at first, he didn’t realize he had anxiety. Once he found out, he tried to go to the hospital but he was disappointed by the doctor’s attitude. After that, he didn’t go to the hospital at all. I had never met anyone with anxiety before him so I had a lack of understanding. I tried to read a lot and listen to him a lot.
He is afraid of using the transportation system bc he had the first panic attack in the subway. So, I had to go to his place every time I met him. He doesn’t drink bc of the disorder and he hates the place where people gathered. We had to give up a lot of things but I was okay with it only if he liked me.
I sincerely loved him and told him many times. And he told me back. I thought I was in the lovely relationship. A few months ago, he confessed me he didn’t love me. He said he is just that kind of person who cannot love and it’s not my fault. And he said people with anxiety barely feel commitment to people near them, such as family, friends and lovers.. I was shocked that he didn’t love me. He said he didn’t want to hurt me anymore and he needed to be alone. Since I loved him a lot, I couldn’t give up and we got back together.
I realized that my upsetting, my sickness and our quarrel can make him feel bad, which leads to his leaving. I had to be very careful whenever I met him. I said nothing negative. I couldn’t tell him what I felt at all bc I didn’t want to make him feel bad and leave me again. I felt lonely, unloved, uncared and insecure. At the end of relationship, I gave up a lot of things. I didn’t ask him to love me and meet me. I just asked him not to leave me. Despite of my efforts, however, he left me several times and it made me feel seriously insecure and not able to express my affection.
A few weeks ago, he tried to leave me again and I let him go. I felt kind of relieved bc I was released by the energy consumption. After that day, he contacted me again and he asked me to come bc he felt really bad. I was worried a lot and came there ASAP. He said he just didn’t want to feel sad. I really didn’t understand what he wanted to do with me.
Now he is in his country. We agreed taking time when he is in his country. He had a plan to get through the process in hospital of his country.
In this situation that I cannot tell him about me and my feeling at all and I feel insecure, I don’t really know what I can do more. I gave him everything I could – my affection, time, understanding, and efforts. And I couldn’t get anything back. He didn’t try anything for this relationship and I cannot even talk about it with him.. I am not even sure that he is going to hospital right now. What can I do? Is breaking up the only solution?
I’m very sorry your reply didn’t appear! I’m not sure how that would have happened. You’re all good now though …
In response to your comment, when your boyfriend said that ‘people with anxiety barely feel commitment to people near them’, that’s just not true of most people with anxiety. People with anxiety are generally very loving, committed, loyal people. It may be true for your boyfriend, but it is certainly not something that generally happens with anxiety.
If your boyfriend doesn’t feel committed to your relationship, there isn’t much you can do. Don’t break your own heart by hanging on too hard to someone who is not fighting to hang on to you.
Thank you for your kind advice! Yeah I think you are right and I’ve thought like that. That’s because my boyfriend told me that he couldn’t love his ex girlfriends, even though he didn’t have anxiety at the moment. This is not because of anxiety at all.
The reason he wanted to be alone was that he didn’t want to hurt me and he didn’t have energy to keep this relationship. And I kept feeling insecure because I wasn’t convinced that he really had feeling for me and he tried to leave me continuously. When he comes back to my country next month, I will try to discuss about this topics and figure out if he wants to make it well. If he doesn’t want, I should just let him leave. Maybe that is the best for both of us.
I finally broke up with him. I will never meet someone like him. I feel very relieved and free.
I tried hard to understand him by reading a lot of articles and books and getting some advice from psychologists. I tried my best to make him feel safe with me. I thought we could have a conversation to make the relationship well when he started psychological treatment and felt better.
I was wrong. Despite of all of my efforts, he didn’t try to understand how I felt in this relationship. Even though he felt stronger and better, he wanted to leave me. I spent the worst time in his life with him but he left me. THIS IS NOT BECAUSE OF HIS ANXIETY. I can’t believe what kind of person he is. I felt frustrated, depressed and blue in the relationship but he never cared.
And now, I feel thankful for ending this relationship.
Hello, I really need an advice and I hope you can help me with it. In general words I had been reading about anxiety and I think my ex boyfriend (he broke with me one month and a half ago) has anxiety but he doesn’t know exactly about this disorder or that he needs help. I think this because all the things he told me about himself and the way he started feeling and acting… I love him so much because I know he did nothing wrong and he is passing through hard times and internal struggles and that is why he didn´t want to continue with me cus he didn´t want me to suffer next to him because of who he was and that I didn´t deserve to be unhappy waiting for him to be again himself. I supported him always and I was always there for him and acting with a lot of patience and love because I knew how bad he was fighting against himself to stop feeling the way he was and thinking and to stop pushing me away but he suddenly took the decision to break because all of it. I know he is still the same person as always behind all his fears and negative thoughts and I still want to be with him no matter what, I love him for who he is in all ways.
He is coming to see me in few days just for one day because we want to have a decent goodbye and last hug before he goes back to his country (we had a long distance relationship and he is studying in a country near mine) but I don’t know if I should tell him what now I know about anxiety or how should I act with him or what to tell him…
My main questions are: should I tell him he has anxiety and he should read or talk with somebody about it or what would you recommend me to do or say when I see him? And should stay in contact with him even if he broke up with me and in which “role”? I still love him with all my heart (he says he still want to be my friend cus he will not be able to live without knowing about me cus for him I’m still the best person he had met and the one he had love the most and didn´t want to lose me but his thoughts and fears took the decision for him to stop our relationship).
Thank you in advance
I think it is okay to let him know your concerns, but I would certainly not suggest that you tell him he has anxiety. Whether or not this is about anxiety is very unclear. He may be anxious about the future of the relationship, and what he wants from the relationship, but that doesn’t mean that his feelings or his concerns about continuing the relationship are not valid. Ask him if he feels anxious, and whether or not this is the reason he has ended the relationship. Does he want the relationship to continue? Is this something you can work through together? These are questions only he can answer, and I hope that you are able to have the conversation and get the clarity you are looking for.
Thank you so much for this answer, I also send you an email with more details about he and why I think he has anxiety (in my opinion) because it was not mainly about our relationship, it was in a lot subjects of his life. If you have time to read it I will appreaciate it a lot too. I really want to help him in some way and want him to have a beautiful life.
Thank you so much for helping in this way and for your kind words!
i’m 18 n my bf is 23 he confirm that he us an anxiety patient as m still young ‘ am not much familier with anxiety and about my boyfriend he keep on telling me that he worry about me i have no idea to deal with him as i came across your stories i think it will be helpful for my relation so i would like to ask that what really do i need to do physically to forget his personal problems as i am still busy schooling i dont have time to hang out with him or take him in personal places he is always busy for his work and does not even have extra time for me to chat so please help me i am in delema
In a nutshell, get on with your life . If he needs space he will respect you for giving that space without a fuss. If he has opened up to you and told you what his anxiety is; acknowledge that but still live your normal life. You do him no favours by trying to prevent your life adversely affecting his. A good relationship is the meshing together of two unique individuals which , amongst many other things, supports them and make them stronger. If one side is top heavy then it’s dependent not supportive and that’s when frustration and resentment kick in.
Don’t be a door mat and just be aware that no one has the right to control you. If you are being constantly quizzed as to who you’re with,what you are doing, etc early into the relationship, – that’s not anxiety, that’s bullying and controlling behaviour .
My boyfriend of five years has been struggling with anxiety for the last two years. It like nothing Iâve ever experience before. He hates being in a car, sometimes when we are going somewhere I have to pull over 2-3 times and let him out until he calms down. He canât hold down a job. He will have one for two maybe three months and get fired or quit. The issue isnât him not showing up for work itâs that he leaves in the middle of work due to attacks. We have walked out of movie theaters, parties, family events, even restaurants because of it. He refuses to take medication which I somewhat understand. He thinks the cause of his anxiety has a lot to do with a very bad acid trip a few years bad and his attacks have progressively been getting worse. He wonât even sit in the passenger seat when I drive he lays in the back. I have always been very patient and understanding of his anxiety, researching and trying to find new ways to help/fix it but It being years later Iâm very drained and becoming annoyed with it. I love him but how can we grow and have a family if he canât hold a job/get in a car??
Olivia it sounds as though you have been so beautifully supportive and patient, but you are right – we all have our limits to what we will tolerate. It sounds as though your boyfriend is really struggling, but that does not mean the responsibility for supporting him is all yours. It is critical that he also does things that will help with his symptoms. It’s not enough for him to keep being barrelled along by anxiety, knowing that you are also being hurt by this. If he doesn’t want to take medication, that’s understandable, but there are other powerful ways to deal with anxiety that don’t involve medication. Exercise and mindfulness have been proven by tons of research to have a positive influence on the symptoms of anxiety. Here is info about exercise https://www.heysigmund.com/activity-restores-vital-neurochemical-protects-anxietyepression/ and mindfulness (or any type of meditation) https://www.heysigmund.com/overcoming-anxiety-mindfulness/. He also needs to make sure his diet is one that supports a healthy gut (limit processed foods and sugars, limit alcohol etc, take a probiotic with live and active cultures) because the environment in the gut has a big influence on mental health. This article explains that https://www.heysigmund.com/our-second-brain-and-stress-anxiety-depression-mood/. If his symptoms are so severe that he can’t see his way to start consistently doing any of these (exercise, mindfulness, healthy diet), then he may need outside support from a counsellor to get him on the right track. Anxiety is very manageable, but he does have to take active steps to manage it. He needs to keep fighting for him and to find a way through his anxiety. You sound like a wonderful partner – he needs to understand that when he fights for himself (to get better), he is also fighting for you.
I loved this…I have anxiety BIG TIME, and this totally helped me understand myself better! Thank you so much for this! Wow…I just have to read it over and over again. You have a gift! I’ve been getting help since high school, and it’s definitely been a trial, but also a HUGE blessing in my life. And thank you for not making it sound like a HUGE deal. Because it really isn’t! It’s stressful and hard….oh so hard, but it’s doable, and it does come with those perks mentioned! Thank you so much for putting a positive spin on this. People without anxiety might not understand this article very well as seen in previous comments…all the points you made were so very accurate, at least for me. Thank you so much again đ
Thanks Eliza. I’m pleased it was helpful. I love your openness and generous spirit. So many strengths!
This article helps with empathy, but not much else in terms of anxiety. Yes, empathy is a huge part of dealing with someone’s anxiety, but I can’t help but think there are shortcomings in this article. The overall tone of the author implies that anxiety is something that does not get better. My wife’s anxiety has certainly gotten worse, so I assume it can get better over time as well.
I don’t know any real answers, but for some of you dismissing our comments because we just don’t understand isn’t enough. We realize we don’t understand. That’s what got us here in the first place. We want something concrete to help our loved ones enjoy life with us.
I think our comments should serve as learning testaments for how you can tell use to help you. Not dismissed like I often see.
Sorry, nothing against your article as it can be helpful, but it just doesn’t have the substance we lovers of anxious people are looking for.
Taylor I love that you are trying to understand your wife’s experience with anxiety. It is so confusing to me though, that people come to this article because they want to understand anxiety and yet it is dismissed by people who don’t understand anxiety. There are beautifully insightful comments on this article from people with anxiety about their experience and about what they want people the people in their lives to understand. This is what they want you to know!
I am the author of the article and in no way does this article suggest that anxiety can’t get better. In fact, this site is FULL of information and the most current research explaining how anxiety can managed so that it stops getting in the way. One of the things that can really help with anxiety is when the people close to the person who has it understands their experience from their side. We all want to be understood by the people we love, and anxiety is confusing.
One of the things that can really get in the way of someone’s attempts to manage their anxiety is being around people who dismiss anxiety as something that people just need to ‘get over’. This doesn’t mean people can’t heal and strengthen against anxiety – they absolutely can! – but we all have things that will set us back, and in relation to anxiety, being in an environment that lacks understanding can make the symptoms worse. People with anxiety don’t want to be a burden and they don’t want to feel as though they are letting anyone down, and feeling any of these things would – very understandably – make symptoms worse and get in the way of healing. It would for any of us.
On this link, you will find plenty of information and ‘real answers’ about what anxiety is, how it plays out, what drives it, how it can be managed, and the things that can make it worse or better. https://www.heysigmund.com/category/being-human/anxiety/. Hopefully it will be the ‘substance’ you are looking for.
I hope it is able to help you and your wife to strengthen and protect each other from the effects of anxiety.
HeySigmund, i’m really struggling with getting help for my Fiance’s stress and anxiety after he suffered from a massive Blood Clot on his lung 7 months ago that should have killed him. He is extremely lucky that his body has very nearly got rid of the clot and there has been no damage to his heart that was having to work harder to pump blood to his lungs. However, even though he has been told he is as fit as any other 35 year old, he is suffering from chronic headaches, dizzyness, sickness and everyday exhaustion that he thinks there is something medically wrong with him and that its not stress and anxiety, even though a medical consultant has told him this is what he is suffering with. He has seen a counsellor through our GP and gone through a CBT course but it hasnt helped. His symptoms have stopped him from working, socialising, and spending time with his family. I am trying my best to support him but where’s the support for me? I’m like many others who dont feel they can voice their frustrations and emotions to my partner about how the anxiety is affecting me and i find mysef crying in the bathroom or at work when he texts me telling me he’s having a bad day. We are even at the point now where we are looking at Aniexy rehab where he can get some intense one on one therapy, but to what cost, putting ourselves into debt. I cant cope with him being a broken man and not being able to help him.
It sounds as though both you and your fiance are really going through a difficult time at the moment. Your fiance has been through a very traumatic experience and it may take him time to heal fully from this. That is so understandable. It sounds as though things could have easily ended differently for him. It is also understandable that he would be anxious about something similar happening again. It may help him to get a second opinion to confirm that his symptoms are not from something other than anxiety. Two opinions are much more convincing than one. There is a very real reason for his concerns, so this might be a helpful thing for him to do.
If it has been confirmed that there are no other medical reasons for his symptoms and they are definitely from anxiety, getting into a regular mindfulness practice will help his healing. Mindfulness will help him to ‘watch’ his thoughts and physical feelings without hanging on to them or turning them into something more frightening. Plenty of studies have found that it can change the structure and function of the brain in ways that can protect and strengthen it against anxiety. Start with 10 minutes a day and work up from there. There is information on this link https://www.heysigmund.com/category/being-human/mindfulness/. The Smiling Mind app is also a great resource for guided mindfulness https://smilingmind.com.au/smiling-mind-app/.
The most important thing is to give your partner time to recover, but also to make sure that you are getting support from people who care about you, and also that you are doing things that you enjoy and that you feel nurtured by.
My boyfriend is suffering from anxiety. He came to my country one year ago and had a panic attack. I met him last February. Our relationship lasted for 8 months. But 2 months ago, he told me he doesn’t love me and he doesn’t know how to love. Every time we met, my existence reminded him he can’t love. And it leads to anxiety. That’s why we broke up once. He said he needed to be alone and didn’t want to hurt me anymore.
I liked him so much that i contacted him again and we decided to meet again and try again. Everything was going well except his appointment issues. We were supposed to meet every Saturday. So i asked him ‘are we meeting tomorrow?. He said he was planning to swim on saturday but he doesn’t know how he would feel after it. I just thought this was about basic social manners. If you have a previous engagement, you shouldn’t do anything affect it or at least ask for an agreement. So i was angry. I didn’t realize my anger could trigger his anxiety. He sent me a video he made unrelated to me and said ‘please don’t be mad at me’. I just wanted to talk about this and didn’t know it could make him worse. He said ‘sorry i need to be alone. Please just do not worry about me.’ After that, he has been ignoring my contacts at all. Because he said the same thing when we broke up, I can’t be even sure if he is still my boyfriend. Because i already know he doesn’t love me, I don’t know if he’s gonna come back to me. I don’t want to feel insecure anymore but I don’t know what to do. If at least i know he loves me, I wouldn’t be insecure like this. Should i wait for him? Or should i just let him leave me?
I am also afraid of asking him ‘do you still consider me as your girlfriend? because it might cause him worsen.
Katrina have the conversation. It will either get better or it will get worse. If it gets worse, you will know where you stand. If you say nothing, you will stay guessing. Imagine yourself in a position of strength, because you are. This isn’t about ‘letting him leave you’, but about you, decide with strength and with love, whether this is the relationship you want to be in. Let your wisdom in on this. You don’t have to wait for anyone to leave you – either they are good enough for you, or they aren’t – and this is regardless of what they think. There is love for you – if it isn’t with this man, it will be with another. But don’t settle for a love that is pretend and confusing.
Thank you for such a generous advice. I appreciate it. I really do.
I felt really depressed and felt like nothing could make me happy. I will have a conversation with him soon.
Sorry. I’m with Jill. The tone of this article is so glib and so one-sided and fails to really describe what living with someone with anxiety is actually like. I have lived in a marriage with someone who refuses to acknowledge the role his anxiety plays for 15 years and actually blames ME for HIS ANXIETY. I have bent over backwards again and again and again and nobody thanks me for it, least of all him. Some people’s anxiety takes a form that is actually ABUSIVE. It doesn’t matter why the person needs to be in control of everything, it’s still controlling and it’s painful and damaging. Rapid mood swings, silent treatment for weeks, constant unwarranted criticism, constant nit-picking, an over-exaggerated doomsday response to the smallest infraction of his many rules, never knowing who you’re going to come home to. I’m on the verge of packing a bag. I’ve been in counseling for years but he won’t go with me. I’m out.
It’s easy to blame anxiety for everything that has gone wrong with your relationship, but comments like this concern me because of the way it takes a bunch of symptoms and turns it into something they aren’t. I have lived with people with anxiety – and it is NOTHING like what you describe. The people with anxiety I have known are warm, open, generous and I couldn’t imagine being without them. I have also known plenty of people who have been awful humans, who have no anxiety at all. Anxiety is a set of symptoms, and none of those symptoms include silent treatment, criticism and the other difficult behaviours you describe. Anxiety can make these things worse, but it doesn’t create them from nothing. I understand the relationship you are in is a painful, hurtful one but it’s important not to make anxiety the scapegoat.
I know what you mean. I looked up the definition of emotional abuse and my wife pretty much has checked every box when it comes to how she’s treated me.
What I’ve found has helped tremendously is a change in my attitude. I believe her anxiety has caused me to become subservient and therefore more emotional and anxious myself. I have stopped this bullshit and I am mentally prepared to leave her if she thinks she can continue this behaviour. I made sure she knows this too and things have gotten better in the last two months.
She still has her bad days and bad weeks but I take the stance that I won’t put up with abuse anymore. It pains me that she abuses herself (mentally) but I can only do so much. I simply have to be her rock, but also need to live and enjoy my life when she can’t join me. We have a 1 year old together and he is our biggest bond. I’m strong for him now as well as for myself.
She got no joy from being abusive to me, so why should I let her keep doing it? She’s an adult and understands there are real consequences to how she treats people… She just needed to be reminded that this rule also applies to me.
It’s been really interesting reading this blog. My fiancĂŠ has anxiety as I’ve learned just recently. It’s funny after 16 years together and it being my only long term relationship I had nothing else to compare her to – I just assumed all women were emotional messes all the time. But it is now obvious.
I’ve done everything for us over the time weâve been together â all the washing, cooking, managing bills and money as well as keeping a full time job. She just can’t keep a job at all not matter how much I take away from everyday living stresses for her. Over the 16 years we’ve been together Iâve had 4 jobs and she’s had about 30. Some were with really good companies too. It’s always just a matter of time before she clashes with someone and gets sacked. ânot a team fitâ etc.
We have no friends anymore. I have no mates to call on. It became too difficult she would always have a melt down before we caught up with friends it became too hard and ugly for me to bare anymore. My friends tried to get me to leave her early on but guess I couldnât see it then I guess I thought I could fix her up. Now Iâm just a full time therapist for her.. I get dozens of txts and calls from her daily telling me small things people have said or done – very much over the top stuff and I tell her all the time why are you telling me this stuff. Why do you let that sort of crap worry youâŚ
Thing is Iâm now burned out with it all. Iâm sick of everything always being about her every time I talk of even a little hardship or needing a break etc. I canât even begin to list out the toxic madness this journey has been
Thing is now Iâm tired of life and even more tired at the thought of trying to deal with this newly realised problem of her anxiety. Sounds like anxiety is just something most learn to live with and âmanageâ it never really goes away
Anxiety is something that can definitely be managed. It sounds as though it is really intruding on your relationship, but it doesn’t have to. Is your fiance doing things to manage it? It’s wonderful that you are so supportive, but it’s also important that if anxiety is behind her behaviour, that she is doing what she can to manage it. Talk with her gently about this. Here is a link with some ideas for how to manage anxiety https://www.heysigmund.com/category/being-human/anxiety/. Exercise and meditation can make a huge difference. This is backed by a ton of research. Getting enough sleep is also really important. Take your time over the information and share it with her lovingly. Offer to do some of the things with her – the things that are good for anxiety are actually good for everyone. All the best to both of you – I hope this helps.
My girlfriend suffers from anxiety. We’ve been together for 18 months or so and are both 26, work 9-5 jobs, but we don’t yet live together. I’m finding that when she has a particularly bad episode it’s usually triggered by me – me suggesting a trip to see my family, or an invite to a BBQ with my friends or my friend’s wedding where she won’t know many people. I try hard not to take it personally when this happens and help her through it, as I know that it’s her anxiety being irrational and not her. But it often is personal, like she (her anxiety at least) is deliberately mean, she pushes back when I try to say I’m there for her, or ask if I can do anything, or if I just give her space. She makes it clear that there is nothing I can say that will help – when I say “let me know if I can do anything”, she tells me it’s too late. When she can’t sleep she insists that I go to sleep, while I insist that I’m here for her, not going anywhere, until eventually she convinces me that I’m not helping so I say goodnight; 10 minutes later of course it’s “are you seriously going to sleep?”. Or I’ll get a sarcastic message like “great conversation ??”. Last New Years she even hit me when I got a call from a female friend wishing me happy New Years – a completely irrational thought that there was “something going on”. I thought we were way past that day but every couple of months she’ll have a bad day and it’s all the same.
When her anxiety is causing her to be completely irrational like this, or intentionally mean and combative, how should I react? How can I help when every well intentioned thing I say is wrong? I feel like if anxiety was out of the equation, I wouldn’t put up with that behaviour and would have broken up with her long ago. I love her, but when she’s like that she makes me feel helpless, stupid and angry and then guilty for having those natural reactions. Even reading back this post, I feel guilty that I’m the one asking for help but i have my own life, with my own friendships to maintain and I can’t cancel my social or family life because of her anxiety. I can’t ignore someone being frequently mean or trying to provoke a reaction. What can I do?
Tom it is completely understandable that you’re the one asking for some help with this! Anxiety doesn’t always get in the way like this, but it can and when it does, it can be awful for both of you. You are absolutely right – it’s important for you to maintain your own relationships. Anxiety makes people anxious and in the midst of anxiety, it can make people aggressive or avoidant – but that’s in the heat of the moment. It doesn’t linger and make people mean well after the fact.
Have a conversation with your girlfriend about what you need, and ask her what she needs from you. Decide on your dealbreakers – I would suggest physical violence is one, and perhaps closing you out long after an incident has passed is also something that needs a rethink. Let her know how much you care about her, but that you have important needs too. Let her know that you understand that she gets anxious at the idea of being in certain situations, and that you’re prepared to talk about that, but that you can’t just give up the things that are important to you. Be gentle and loving and have the conversation when things are calm. Let her know that you’d like to talk to her about how to make things better for both of you. It’s all about communication and talking about the things that you’re both prepared to tolerate and the things you aren’t, and working on a plan or a compromise to move forward.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply đ
I’m 18 years old and I only knew about my anxiety a few years ago. I get stressed easily, I overthink, I panic even when other ppl think its unnecessary. I’ve been in a relationship with an older girl for more than 6 months now. I hate that she smokes but I never gave her shit about it. I had a bad anxiety attack a few days ago, which was the first in a long time, the first since we met. I forgot how I used to control myself during an anxiety attack. so my first instinct was to text her. And she doesn’t understand it and says it annoys her. I know she loves me, but she snapped that day and told me things that I knew. She told me I need to stop this and that. Im sure what she said would have hurt anyone with anxiety. Yes I was hurt but at the time I felt like I just needed her and another fight would just be too exhausting. I now feel like I can’t go to her when im anxious which is shit. Isn’t she supposed to be there for me?
Anxiety can be really difficult to understand for somebody who hasn’t been through it. If she doesn’t understand your anxiety, that’s okay – it doesn’t mean your relationship will struggle. In relationships we teach each other. What’s important is whether or not she wants to understand. Talk to her about it and see also what she needs from you to be able to be better for you, and what she needs from you to be better for her. If she has no interest in understanding your moments of anxiety, or any important thing about you for that matter, then it would be understandable to question that. But definitely don’t give up on her or your relationship without talking to her about it first and seeing whether or not you are both headed in a similar direction in relation to what you want from the relationship.
I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for years. I learned the anxiety (and all sorts of problems) from my mom, who is not undergoing any sort of treatment. We’re very close and I love her and we can have a great time together, but she often treats me like a therapist. It’s hard for me not to absorb and handle her anxiety, and to hear her constant negativity and sadness.
I resent her for not seeking treatment or doing anything to try to lessen her anxiety, like meditation. However, I’ve been in treatment for 18 months – my first therapist traumatized and abandoned me. My psychiatrist has tried a lot of different meds and combinations, and still I constantly struggle. So it’s hard for me to blame her for not wanting to put herself through that, given how little treatment has done for me – and how much harm my first therapist did.
I’m basically stuck between a rock and a hard place. There seem to be no resources for people struggling with mental illness who also have to deal with parents struggling with them.
It’s so difficult watching someone you love struggling and not getting the help they need. Hearing other people being negative and sad does have an effect. It may be that she doesn’t have hope that she can feel better. Negative thinking can be very persuasive. Keep going on your healing path though. Perhaps when she sees change in you, it will move her closer to where she needs to be.
Thanks so much for this article. My girlfriend has severe chronic anxiety and I want to have the right mindset about it. I have a question though. I recently opened up to her about some of my frustrations in regards to her anxiety because she told me to be honest if it ever gets hard. We want to communicate well because this is both of our first serious relationship. I admitted to her that it was frustrated at time but that I understood that a mental illness is part of you. I told her I love her for who she is. But then I asked if she would be willing, for me if not for her, to try and take steps to decrease it. Like exercise and meditation and all that. And I regretted it as soon as I said it. Was that a bad thing to say? She didn’t say anything but “I’ll try” but I think it really hurt her. I feel awful. What should I do?
These things always depend on context. It doesn’t sound like a bad thing to say. To me, it sounds like it was said with generous, loving intent. It is also lovely that your girlfriend said she would try. It sounds as though somewhere in this communication you have heard disappointment in her. Speak to her about what she thinks you meant by this. Offer to do it with her and talk to her about why meditation and exercise can help anxiety, if she doesn’t already know. You will find articles about this on this link https://www.heysigmund.com/category/being-human/anxiety/. It’s all about communication. We all hear things through our own filters which is why things can be heard differently to what was intended sometimes. Having a healthy relationship isn’t about always getting it right, but about being able to talk through any misunderstandings.
I’m so glad that I read this because for a whole year the guy I been talking to been telling me about him having anxiety and me I’m like okay but then he start showing it more and more ! But I just felt like he didn’t care for me and didn’t love me and some days he would open up to me and I knew like he do care for me then some days he didn’t so I would get frustrated because I just felt like he didn’t care about me and didn’t love me the way I love him but regardless of that I had to keep talking to him but deep down I didn’t really understand him our his anxiety ! Then peoples like his mom, grandma , my grandma and friends would say leave him alone because he just crazy and he was going kill me and I just knew he wasn’t because the way he showed me he care and how he can’t really function without me been around ! Some days I didn’t know if I was coming or going because I would get so frustrated because in my brain I’m doing all this but he don’t appreciate me and He would always tell me that I didn’t want to listen and don’t understand him which was true because I just thought he was playing and just saying that but I really see now that his anxiety not no joke and silly me should been listen to him but I was so busy been selfish ! This article gave me a lot of hope in the future with us and I want to thank you ?
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karenyoung_heysigmund
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Our Black Friday Sale is live. For a short time, weâre taking 25% off books, plushies, courses, and tiny beautiful things.
The resources have been created to calm anxiety, build courage and resilience, and nurture the capacity for self-regulation all kids and teens.
The books have sold hundreds of thousands of copies. Theyâve been read, loaned, gifted, and loved throughout the world. (The sale will also help you restock any resources that might have gone walking - apparently they tend to do that a bit!)
If you havenât discovered the stickers, tattoos and tins yet, pop over and take a look. Weâve left the lights on for you!
See here for more information or to buy https://www.heysigmund.com/shop/.
Nov 24
karenyoung_heysigmund
Boundaries aren`t requests we make of them. They`re the actions we take to keep them (and everyone else involved) physically safe, relationally safe, and to preserve values when they aren`t able to.
The rule: Phones in the basket at 5pm.
The boundary: (What I`m going to do when you`re having trouble with the rule.)
`Okay - I can see you`re having trouble popping your phone in the basket. I`m just going to sit beside you as a reminder that it`s time. Take your time. I`ll just watch over your shoulder until you`re ready. So who are we texting? What are we watching?`
Or:
`I know you hate this rule. It`s okay to be annoyed. It`s not okay to yell. I`m not going to listen while you`re yelling.`
Then, `This phones in the basket thing is chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. We`ll see how we go tomorrow and if it`s bumpy, we`ll shift to phones in the basket from 4:30pm. Let`s see how we go.`
It`s not a punishment or a threat. It`s also not about what they do, but about what we do to lead the situation into a better place.
Of course, this doesn`t always mean we`ll hold the boundary with a calm and clear head. It certainly doesn`t mean that. We`re human and sometimes we`ll lose our own minds as though they weren`t ours to own. Ugh. Been there too many times. That`s okay - this is an opportunity to model humility, repair, self-compassion. What`s important is that we repair the relational rupture as soon as we can. This might sound like, `I`m sorry I yelled. That must have been confusing for you - me yelling at you to stop yelling. Let`s try that again.`â¤ď¸
Nov 18
karenyoung_heysigmund
Boundaries are about what WE do to preserve physical safety, relational safety, and values. They arenât about punishment. Theyâre the consequences that make sense as a way to put everything right again and restore calm and safety.
When someone is in the midst of big feelings or big behaviour, they (as with all of us when weâre steamy) have limited capacity to lead the situation into a better place.
Because of this, rather than focusing on what we need them to do, shift the focus on what we can do to lead back to calm.
This might sound like:
The rule (what we want them to do): Phones go in the basket at 5pm.
The boundary (what we do when the rule is broken), with love and leadership: âI can see youâre having trouble letting go of your phone. Thatâs okay - Iâm just going to sit beside you until youâre ready. Take your time. Youâre not in trouble. Iâll just stay here and watch over your shoulder until youâre done.â
Or âŚ
âI can see this phones in the basket process is dragging out and chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. If that keeps happening Iâll be starting this process at 4pm instead of 5pm.â
And if thereâs a bit of spice in their response, part of being a reliable, sturdy leader is also being able to lead them through that. Even if on the inside you feel like youâre about to explode 𤯠(weâve all been there), the posture is âI can handle this, and I can handle you.â This might sound like,
âYep youâre probably going to have a bit to say about it. Thatâs okay - I donât need you to agree with me. I know itâs annoying - and itâs happening.â
âI wonât listen when youâre speaking to me like this. Take your time though. Get it out of you and then we can get on with the evening.â
Then, when the spicy has gone, thatâs the time to talk about whatâs happened. âYouâre such a great kid. I know you know itâs not okay to talk to me like that. How are we going to put this right? Letâs yet 5pm again tomorrow and see how we go. If it causes trouble weâll start earlier. I actually think weâll be okay though.ââĽď¸
Nov 10
karenyoung_heysigmund
So ready to get started with âHey Little Warriorâ in Melbourne. This is my fourth time this year presenting this workshop in Melbourne and we sell out every time.
So what do we do here?! We dive into how to support young children with anxiety. Itâs my favourite thing to talk about. I love it. Even more than whether or not I want dessert. We talk about new ways to work with anxiety in littles so they can feel braver and bigger in the presence of it. This workshop is loaded with practical strategies. I love presenting this workshop.
(And yes - always yes to dessert. As if I would ever skip the most important meal of the day. Pffftt.)
@compass_australia
Oct 27
karenyoung_heysigmund
Theyâre often called sensory preferences, but theyâre sensory needs.
In our adult worlds we can move our bodies and ourselves to seek regulation. If we donât like noise weâre less likely to be DJs for example. If we donât love heights weâre less likely to be pilots or skydivers. If we feel overwhelmed, we can step outside, go into an office, go to the bathroom, or pop on headphones for a break. If we need to move, we can stand, walk to get a tea. At school, this is so much harder.
When bodies donât feel safe, there will be anxiety. This will potentially drive fight (anger, tantrums), flight (avoidance, running away, movement), or shutdown (in quiet distress and canât learn).
These are physiological issues NOT behavioural ones.
Whenever we can, we need to support physiological safety by accommodating sensory needs AND support brave behaviour. Whatâs tricky is disentangling anxiety driven by unmet sensory needs, from anxiety driven by brave behaviour.
The way through is to support their physiological needs, then move them towards brave behaviour.
Schools want to support this. They want all kids to be happy and the best they can be, but there will be a limit on their capacity to support this - not because they donât want to, but because of a scarcity of resources.
There will often be many children with different physiological needs. Outside school there is nowhere else that has to accommodate so many individual needs, because as adults we wonât be drawn to environments that donât feel okay. In contrast, school requires all kids to attend and stay regulated in the one environment.
For now, we donât have a lot of options. Yes there are schools outside mainstream, and yes there is home school, but these options arenât available to everyone.
So, until mainstream schools are supported with the resources (staff, spaces, small classes, less demand on curriculum ⌠and the list goes on), what can we do?
- Help school with specific ways to support your childâs physiology while being mindful that teachers are also attending to the needs of 25+ other nervous systems. But be specific.
- Limit the list. Make this a âbare minimum needsâ list, not a âpreferencesâ one.âĽď¸
Oct 20
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