Separation Anxiety Webinar

Strengthening Children Through Separation Anxiety

Separation anxiety can come with loads of heartache for children and their important adults, but there’s something else it comes with – the opportunity to strengthen all children against anxiety and build their brave – and we know they can be brave.

Saying ‘goodbye’ can be tough! Not only for our children, but for us too – even the strongest and bravest of parenting hearts can feel the wrenching that can come at separation. Separation anxiety exists for a good reason. We want our children to feel loved and supported, and we also want to build their brave so anxiety doesn’t stand in the way of the important, growthful things they need to do.

Of course we’d rather our young ones never feel the tailwhip of separation anxiety, but so many young people (and the adults who love them) are going to experience anxiety at separation from a loved one. It’s part of being human, but it doesn’t have to hurt. As their important adult, you have a profound capacity to support them through separation anxiety and help them feel braver, stronger, and closer to you, even when you’re not beside them – at school, at bedtime – any time they are away from you. In this one-and-a-half-hour webinar, we will explore practical, powerful ways to do this.

This is information I wish every parent could have. I’ll be speaking to you from my professional experience, but more importantly, I’ll be speaking to you from my parenting heart. Something you might not know about me is that my own experience with my daughter’s separation anxiety when she was a little person is what led me to this work. (She’s now one of the bravest women I know!

I know we can get kids through separation anxiety. I know the heartache. I know the feelings of helplessness. And I know we can get them through. 

If you can’t make the ‘live’ online event, that’s no problem at all. A recording of the webinar will be made available to all registered participants for 30 days.

We will explore:

  • why separation anxiety happens, and the important job it’s there to do;
  • the thing all loving adults will do (we’ll all do them!) that can inadvertently make their anxiety worse, and what to do instead;
  • why their anxiety will fuel yours;
  • what adults can do to soften the impact of separation;
  • how to respond in the midst of anxiety – strategies for children, parents and carers (including teachers and other important adults);
  • practical ways to support your child through separation anxiety;
  • specific strategies for bedtime anxiety;
  • the toolbox for young people – how to help all children feel bigger at separation;
  • the connection between anxiety and aggression, and how to respond to big behaviour in the moment;
  • the connection between anxiety, behaviour and learning, and how to work with this;
  • a road map for supporting your child through anxiety – before, during, and after;
  • why relationships matter, and how to facilitate relationships between children and their important adults (teachers, other important adults) in ways that will build brave behaviour.
Presented by: Karen Young (AUS)
Location: Online
Start Time: 6:30 pm
End Time: 8:30 pm
Cost: AUD $40
Date: 08/02/2024
Timezone: Brisbane GMT +10

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Boundaries aren't requests we make of them. They're the actions we take to keep them (and everyone else involved) physically safe, relationally safe, and to preserve values when they aren't able to.

The rule: Phones in the basket at 5pm.

The boundary: (What I'm going to do when you're having trouble with the rule.) 

'Okay - I can see you're having trouble popping your phone in the basket. I'm just going to sit beside you as a reminder that it's time. Take your time. I'll just watch over your shoulder until you're ready. So who are we texting? What are we watching?'

Or:

'I know you hate this rule. It's okay to be annoyed. It's not okay to yell. I'm not going to listen while you're yelling.' 

Then, 'This phones in the basket thing is chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. We'll see how we go tomorrow and if it's bumpy, we'll shift to phones in the basket from 4:30pm. Let's see how we go.'

It's not a punishment or a threat. It's also not about what they do, but about what we do to lead the situation into a better place.

Of course, this doesn't always mean we'll hold the boundary with a calm and clear head. It certainly doesn't mean that. We're human and sometimes we'll lose our own minds as though they weren't ours to own. Ugh. Been there too many times. That's okay - this is an opportunity to model humility, repair, self-compassion. What's important is that we repair the relational rupture as soon as we can. This might sound like, 'I'm sorry I yelled. That must have been confusing for you - me yelling at you to stop yelling. Let's try that again.'❤️
Boundaries are about what WE do to preserve physical safety, relational safety, and values. They aren’t about punishment. They’re the consequences that make sense as a way to put everything right again and restore calm and safety.

When someone is in the midst of big feelings or big behaviour, they (as with all of us when we’re steamy) have limited capacity to lead the situation into a better place.

Because of this, rather than focusing on what we need them to do, shift the focus on what we can do to lead back to calm. 

This might sound like:

The rule (what we want them to do): Phones go in the basket at 5pm. 

The boundary (what we do when the rule is broken), with love and leadership: ‘I can see you’re having trouble letting go of your phone. That’s okay - I’m just going to sit beside you until you’re ready. Take your time. You’re not in trouble. I’ll just stay here and watch over your shoulder until you’re done.’

Or …

‘I can see this phones in the basket process is dragging out and chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. If that keeps happening I’ll be starting this process at 4pm instead of 5pm.’

And if there’s a bit of spice in their response, part of being a reliable, sturdy leader is also being able to lead them through that. Even if on the inside you feel like you’re about to explode 🤯 (we’ve all been there), the posture is ‘I can handle this, and I can handle you.’ This might sound like,

‘Yep you’re probably going to have a bit to say about it. That’s okay - I don’t need you to agree with me. I know it’s annoying - and it’s happening.’

‘I won’t listen when you’re speaking to me like this. Take your time though. Get it out of you and then we can get on with the evening.’

Then, when the spicy has gone, that’s the time to talk about what’s happened. ‘You’re such a great kid. I know you know it’s not okay to talk to me like that. How are we going to put this right? Let’s yet 5pm again tomorrow and see how we go. If it causes trouble we’ll start earlier. I actually think we’ll be okay though.’♥️
So ready to get started with ‘Hey Little Warrior’ in Melbourne. This is my fourth time this year presenting this workshop in Melbourne and we sell out every time.

So what do we do here?! We dive into how to support young children with anxiety. It’s my favourite thing to talk about. I love it. Even more than whether or not I want dessert. We talk about new ways to work with anxiety in littles so they can feel braver and bigger in the presence of it. This workshop is loaded with practical strategies. I love presenting this workshop.

(And yes - always yes to dessert. As if I would ever skip the most important meal of the day. Pffftt.)

@compass_australia
They’re often called sensory preferences, but they’re sensory needs.

In our adult worlds we can move our bodies and ourselves to seek regulation. If we don’t like noise we’re less likely to be DJs for example. If we don’t love heights we’re less likely to be pilots or skydivers. If we feel overwhelmed, we can step outside, go into an office, go to the bathroom, or pop on headphones for a break. If we need to move, we can stand, walk to get a tea. At school, this is so much harder.

When bodies don’t feel safe, there will be anxiety. This will potentially drive fight (anger, tantrums), flight (avoidance, running away, movement), or shutdown (in quiet distress and can’t learn). 

These are physiological issues NOT behavioural ones.

Whenever we can, we need to support physiological safety by accommodating sensory needs AND support brave behaviour. What’s tricky is disentangling anxiety driven by unmet sensory needs, from anxiety driven by brave behaviour.

The way through is to support their physiological needs, then move them towards brave behaviour.

Schools want to support this. They want all kids to be happy and the best they can be, but there will be a limit on their capacity to support this - not because they don’t want to, but because of a scarcity of resources.

There will often be many children with different physiological needs. Outside school there is nowhere else that has to accommodate so many individual needs, because as adults we won’t be drawn to environments that don’t feel okay. In contrast, school requires all kids to attend and stay regulated in the one environment.

For now, we don’t have a lot of options. Yes there are schools outside mainstream, and yes there is home school, but these options aren’t available to everyone.

So, until mainstream schools are supported with the resources (staff, spaces, small classes, less demand on curriculum … and the list goes on), what can we do?

- Help school with specific ways to support your child’s physiology while being mindful that teachers are also attending to the needs of 25+ other nervous systems. But be specific.
- Limit the list. Make this a ‘bare minimum needs’ list, not a ‘preferences’ one.♥️
Brave often doesn’t feel like ‘brave’. Most often, it feels like anxiety. If there is something brave, important, new, hard, there will always be anxiety right behind it. It’s the feeling of anxiety that makes it something brave - and brave is different for everyone.♥️

#anxietyawareness #childanxiety #anxietysupport #anxietyinkids #parent #positiveparenting

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