If life ran like a storybook, the person we fall in love would not be the person who broke us. Sadly, we humans tend to be a bit more human than that. We fall in love, we commit, we get hurt – over and over – and we stay. People need people, but sometimes the cost is a heavy one. When it’s a toxic relationship, the breakage can be far-reaching.
Love is addictive. So is the hope of love. All relationships can be likened to an addiction, but sometimes the power of this can be self-destructive. When relationships become loveless, hostile, stingy or dangerous, you would think they would be easy to leave, but they can be the hardest ones to walk away from.
A bad relationship isn’t about being on the downward slide of the usual relationship ups and downs. It is one that consistently steals your joy and follows you around with that undeniable clamour that this isn’t how it’s meant to be.
Knowing when to let go.
Sometimes the signs are clear – emotional and physical abuse, constant criticism, lying, cheating, emotional starvation. Sometimes there is nothing outstandingly obvious – it just doesn’t feel right. Perhaps it did once but that ended long ago. The signs might lie in the loneliness, a gentle but constant heartache, a lack of security, connection or intimacy or the distance between you both.
Whatever it involves, there are important needs that stay hungry, for one of both people in the relationship. The relationship exists but that’s all it does, and sometimes barely even that. It doesn’t thrive and it doesn’t nurture. It is maintained, not through love and connection, but through habit.
Sometimes there are circumstances that make leaving difficult. Sometimes though, there’s nothing in your way except you. Some of the signs that you might be addicted to the relationship are:
- You know it’s bad, but you stay.
- You want more for yourself, but you stay.
- There are important needs in you that are so hungry (intimacy, connection, friendship, love, security, respect), and you know in this relationship they’ll stay that way. But you stay.
- You have tried ending the relationship before, but the pain of being on your own always brings you back.
What to do when leaving feels as bad as staying.
Leaving any relationship is difficult. Leaving a bad one isn’t necessarily any easier. The shift from powerless to empowered is a gentle one, but lies in the way you experience the relationship. It often takes as much resourcefulness, energy and strength to stay in a bad relationship as it does to leave. With a shift in mindset, experience and expectation, the resources you use to stay and to blind out the seething hopelessness of it all can be used to propel you forward.
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Be present.
The pull to live in the past (the way it was/ the way I was) or in the future (it will get better – I just need to find the switch) can be spectacular, but the energy to move forward exists fully in the present. It’s always there, but you have to be in the present to access it. To do this, fully experience the relationship as it is, without needing to change it or control it.
This might be scary, particularly if the environment you are in is hostile or lonely, but the only way to be okay with leaving what you have, is to fully experience how broken it is.
No relationship is perfect. All couples fight and hurt each other and say and do things they shouldn’t. That’s a normal part of living and loving together. The problem comes with having to repeatedly live in the past or the future to tolerate the present – the abuse, the harm, the insecurity, the jealousy, the loneliness and the grief of the relationship as it stands – just so that it’s easier to stay.
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Keep track.
Keep a record of how you feel in the relationship, the good and bad. If writing isn’t your thing, take a photo of your face at the same time every day. You’ll see it in your eyes. Photos and journalling will capture the intimate, day to day detail of you in this relationship. Set a time period – weeks or months – and at the end take a look over your photos or your writing. Can you see patterns? What do you notice about the things that hurt you and the things that feel good? The frequency? The intensity? What do you see in the photos? Can you see the life in you? Or has it been drained away. Is this the person you want to be? Or is it a faded, sadder version? This can help to see your experience in the relationship for what it is – stripped of the filters and the softening that comes with time.
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Be aware of what’s happening in your body. It’s trying to tell you something.
The connection between the mind and the body is a powerful one. If you shut down the messages that are coming from your mind, your body will take over. There will be signs in the way you hold yourself, the sensations in your body (heaviness, heartache, tension) and the way it works. Has your body slowed down? Is there physical pain? Does it ache? Does it feel heavy? Restless? Tired? Drained? Do you feel your body withering, scrunched or as though it’s holding back? If your body could speak, what would it want you to know?
Try this exercise:
Finish this sentence:
‘My body is …’ (tired/crumpled/hurting – whatever fits for you)’.
Now, keep your ending but replace the words, ‘My body is’ with ‘I am’ or ‘My life is’.
Notice what happens when you do that.
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How do you avoid the truth?
Notice what you do to shift away from your reality. Are there unhealthy behaviours you do to stop from feeling bad? Or maybe there are healthy beahviours that you do in unhealthy ways?
Try staying with the discomfort rather than avoiding it. Contained in the pain is the wisdom, courage and strength you need to find the happier version of yourself and your life.
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Give it a deadline.
It’s easy to forget how long you’ve been living with what you don’t want, hoping that one day it will be better. Pick your ‘one day’. Let it be six weeks, six months – whatever feels right for you. In that time, give the relationship everything you’ve got. When that ‘one day’ comes, be honest and act from a place of strength, self-respect and self-love. The answer will be in front of you.
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Become selfish.
The way we think about selfishness is broken. Selfishness is about recognising what you need and doing what you can to meet those needs. Sometimes there will be fallout, but there will also be fallout by ignoring what you need and letting the noise shout you down. You matter. What you need matters. It always has. Sometimes that will mean putting yourself first on your list. This is even more important if it is the only list that has you anywhere near the top.
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Be honest about your part.
Is there anything you can do to put the relationship back on track? It takes guts to open up to what you might need to do differently, but it’s important. If you’re not sure, ask your partner. Of course, just because your partner names things he or she would like you to do differently, it for you to decide whether this is a direction you want to move in. If the response is ‘Yeah actually. You can stop asking me where I go at night. K?’ then you can either respond with, ‘Sure baby – it’s totally fine with me if you leave the house smelling like man musk and secrets. Just come home when you feel like it hey. Do you want me to keep dinner for you?’ Or, you can Google, ‘Somewhere I can live without idiots.’
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What’s your role in the relationship?
It’s likely that there will be a rhythm in the relationship that keeps it breathing the way it does. You and your partner will each have a role that keeps each other’s behaviour possible. This in no way means either of you are to blame or that either of you deserve to be treated the way you are. What it means is that over time you would have fallen into a way of being together that makes the dysfunction easier and more tolerable – a healthy adjustment to an unhealthy situation.
It’s common in relationships for one person to be the ‘reacher’ and one to be the ‘retreater’. In healthy relationships, this is balanced or the roles shift around. There’s an easy flexibility. In unhealthy relationships, these roles become polarised. The more someone retreats, the more the other reaches, and this is where the roles become fixed.
Explore your roles. Which one of you is ‘the commitment phobe’, ‘the non-communicator,’ ‘the abuser,’ ‘the critic’, ‘the disinterested one’? And who is ‘the ‘enabler’, ‘the victim,’ ‘the helpless one,’ ‘the reacher’, ‘the rescuer’, ‘the justifier’, ‘the fantasiser’. Try shifting out of your role. This will shift the dynamic and either force change or make the dysfunction all the more glaring – and easier to walk away from.
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Let go of the fantasy.
The fantasy of what could be will keep you stuck. Every time. It could be better – so much better – but just not with this person. How do you know? Because you’ve been trying. And you’re tired. And there’s nothing more to give.
The fantasy stands between you and reality and throws flowers at your feet so you never look up and see things as they are.
The more you fantasise about what could be, the more the reality is embellished and changed into something reasonable. The fantasy will persuade you to hold on for a little longer, and always at the cost of moving forward. Lose the fantasy that things will be different. They won’t be. If you could have lived the fantasy with this relationship, you would have done that by now. Let your fantasy instead be one of all the losers who have ever crossed your path sprawled on the couch, wearing saggy Star Wars underwear as they gaze at your photo, listen to Adele and regret like mad ever losing you, while you eat tacos, listen to Beyonce and not miss them at all. There you go.
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Accept what is.
It’s paradoxical, but the more you can accept where you are, the greater the capacity for change. This will let your decisions be driven by information that’s real and accurate, not a glossed up fairy tale image of what could be. Accept your reality as it is – your relationship, your partner and what it means for you. When you accept the truth, you live the truth. This will expand your courage, strength and capacity to decide whether this relationship is the best option for you – or not. You will have a clarity that will propel you forward, whatever that might mean for you.
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Fight for you.
You have to fight for the things you love and the things you believe in, but one of those things has to be you. What would you say to someone you love who was feeling the pain or the deadness that you are feeling? Inside you is more courage and strength than you will ever need. You are a queen, a king, a fighter, a warrior, you are powerful and beautiful and everything good in the world – and you deserve to be happy. But first, you might have to fight for it. Fight for you the way you would fight for anyone you love – fiercely, boldly, bravely.
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Stop making excuses.
Be honest.What do you want from this relationship? Have you ever had it? How different is what you want from what you have? And how long has it been this way? If you are loved, it feels like love. Even in the midst of a storm, a loving relationship still feels loving. Despite the stress, the exhaustion, the things you do or say – a loving relationship has an undercurrent of safety, security and respect, even when times are tough. If it doesn’t feel good for you, it’s not.
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Replace ‘can’t leave’ with ‘won’t leave’.
Claim back your power by replacing ‘can’t leave‘ with ‘won’t leave‘. Sometimes circumstances mean that it’s difficult to leave. Whatever you choose to do, do it from a place of strength, not from a place of helplessness. If you stay, let it be because you have made the decision that this is the best option for you at this moment in time, not because somebody has claimed ownership of your life. Keep your power and your independence of mind, whatever is going on around you. There’s only one of you and you’re too important to let yourself fade into circumstance or the manipulation.
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Not making a decision is making a decision.
You might decide to put off making a decision, to give it some time. Make no mistake, this is making a decision – to stay. Own your decision and experience fully what that decision means for you. Don’t live on the outskirts of your reality by claiming to be somewhere in between committing to the relationship and leaving it. You’re one or the other. In it or out of it. Claiming indecision might feel okay in the short term, but in the long term it will just keep you stuck, without the energy you need to move closer to what will be healthier for you.
And finally …
If the relationship feels bad, then it’s bad for you. That’s the only truth that matters. Fight hard to keep your relationship intact, but when there is no fight left, the truth will be staring you down like a hunted thing.
All relationships will go through make it or break it times, but healthy relationships recover. They grow closer and become stronger and more resilient. Relationships have a limited amount of resources available – emotional, physical, financial. Sometimes the relationship will be barreled around by a storm and this might use up a vast chunk of the resources that have been banked over time. If the relationship is healthy, it will only be a matter of time before this is topped up. If it isn’t, it will shrivel up from lack of nourishment and eventually die.
Only you can decide whether to stay or go, but be mindful of your reasons. Sometimes the bravest, most difficult, and most life-changing things lie not in what we do, but in what we stop doing.
I am so glad I came across this page. I too am going through a rough situation and reading a all the post made me feel a lot better. I can totally relate to a lot of the post.
i have just ended my 2 year relationship and i feel terribly guilty. there was a lot of toxic behaviour in the beginning but we tried to work through it, however certain things i could never seem to forget even though i forgave. i grew up in abusive childhood and he got drunk and angry a few times, although he felt so bad about it and he has not done anything like it for the last year, i have still seen something in him that i seem unable to ‘unsee’. he has tried everything to make it up to me and be a perfect partner, but i think i fell out of love. we would try to see each other, but i started to get a lot of nausea and headaches and just tired after spending time with him, even with him trying so hard to be perfect. i dont know why i feel guilty, i just think he made a mistake and i dont know if i am throwing something good away because i just couldnt let go of the mistakes. i know he is a good person, but i also feel he depended on me to keep him on the straight and narrow, like our relationship became his sole focus in life, and i am very independent person, i felt many times like i was trrapped in a web of him being too kind and trying too hard, but he was always there for me when i need him too. i am not close to anyone really other than him, so i think i see him more as a best friend or family, but i know he is deeply in love with me. but i think the kindest thing i can do is let him go because my feelings died and i have tried to get them back, and i do see he has made improvements in himself and continues to do so, but i dont feel the same anymore. it is really hard. its not like he was evil or uncaring or anything as bad as these other sad stories in the comments, so it makes me unsure, like he tries to show me in every way how much he wants to be with me, but i could not get past the side of him i saw so i guess it was time to let go and move on. i know he is crushed, i hope he will be ok and not go off the rails now. i feel guilty that i feel like i have stopped being smothered and can breathe again, but maybe i was taking him for granted. i guess time will tell. take care, everyone. x
Ultimately, you won’t be happy with him right? Not happy in the relationship. I went back-and-forth for 20 years because of a relationship like this with a man. We were together really young and I fell out of love with him. I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore. I still enjoy his company and like to be around him, but not all the time. He was still in love with me.
We actually got married we got divorced. We got back together. But at the end ultimately because I wasn’t in love with him too, and I didn’t feel like that he ended up cheating on me with my best friend’s sister, and her to marry her. It didn’t last long and he still to this day would like to be back with me. We do still talk every now and then, however, I’m much happier. I’m not feeling guilty that I am in a relationship with a man that I don’t feel in love with – a person who feels in love with me constantly.
And I’m sorry this might not make a lot of sense cause I’m extremely tired. You’re doing the best thing you need to break up with him. If you want to keep a friendship where you don’t see each other very often. Just touch base every now and then do that, but be careful and don’t decide to get back with him just because you’re used to him being around in your life.
I feel for you I’ve been through this and it’s a horrible place to be in a horrible way to feel. I feel like he’s a good guy and he never do anything to hurt you but you’re just not in love with them anymore because of other things that may have happened. I know if that’s like I’m really just trying to help you feel better about leaving him. Don’t feel guilty, and don’t do what i did let this go back and forth for 20 years!! Good luck ! ❤️
The answers I was looking for. I also began to doubt my own sanity for this addiction. It truly is an addiction of brain chemicals. These people we have fallen in love with don’t know love- they know manipulation and they know it well. They are insecure and need us to shrink in order to make them feel better but it’s never enough. When we don’t cooperate they attack. They break us down and then use what we are starved of to reward us when we cooperate. We are being programmed to lose ourselves similar to how an animal is trained. They don’t believe anyone will love them so they must control. We can’t leave because we become addicted to the highs, the fantasies, the lies. It was never love to begin with. My lover is not a lost victim looking for guidance- he is using me.
that is how i feel to a tee – i can make excuse after excuse for the way he treats me, but the bottom line is he knows what hurts me and upsets me and he keeps doing it – just need to cut him out my life
I have been with my husband for almost 10 years. We have 2 children and we also have a blended family.
In the beginning he was so kind, loving and caring. He never tried to hurt me purposely with his words. Lately he has been telling me very negative things, putting me down for believing what I believe, and throwing his ex, and in my face.
I was in a very abusive relationship years before I met my current husband and he was aware of this. He has also told me that I deserved the physical abuse that I endured in that relationship. He also apologized to his ex-wife for he drinking and not being good to her.
She says the only reason he does not treat her bad is because they are not married. I believe you should treat your wife with love and respect and have more patience for the person you love and are with, than if you are speaking about someone from your past.
If you feel bad about the things that you did in that relationship, perhaps you are still in love with that person. He blames me for everything and says that I am the mean person and I didn’t like it when he apologized. I constantly tell him he is my blessing and I thank God for him. He tells me I am ugly and skinny and calls me names. I have really been hurt lately. I don’t know what to do. He tells me I let another man abuse me in my past.
Why can’t I take what he does to me and says to me? It hurts but I know in my heart that I do not deserve this. Nor do my boys deserve to see me cry all the time. He mocks me when I cry and makes fun of me when I tell him he is hurting me. I just don’t understand how he can care about what he did in his past and not have a concern about what he is doing in the present.
I have no one to talk to and hold it all in because I don’t want anybody to look at him badly. He leaves and does not call me and then he blames me, saying that he had to leave and couldn’t come home. He also tells me that he’s gonna cheat on me and that he is cheating on me, and that I deserve to be cheated on. My mind is so tired and I just don’t know what to do.
Please take care of yourself and find a way to leave him. Please help yourself. Being stoic about it only destroys you over time. Do you find yourself happier when he is not there? He is a mean person being mean to you. Please save yourself.
Im reading some of the comments and i can relate alot too some of them .The story of my life i met this guy at school we been together for almost 4 years. We been off and on i dont feel like myself anymore i feel lost!. I dont have energy at all we will always fight ,argue he was abussive he treated me bad . He cheated he lied i had left for 8 months and as soon as we broke up he had got with a girl .i thought he was the love of my life but no i waited for him to get his sh*t together but he kept on doing it again and leaving me for other girls .I dont have hope anymore he tells me he is gonna change but he never does im attached to him but deep inside im hurt and i cant deal with this anymore . i prayed and i told god please help me get trough this situation . i really hope things get better .
I’ve been in an extremely abusive, and toxic relationship for 2 years now. Everybody, and when I say everybody, I mean EVERYBODY tells me I need to leave him. He has hit me, pushed me, spit on me, called me the worst names ever, lies, manipulates, gas lights, and ignores me and my needs on a constant basis. Why do I stay? He has broken up with me so many times, and I beg for him to forgive me for the things I never do. I hate who I’ve become. I don’t even recognize myself at all anymore. See, I’ve known this man since I was 17 years old (I’m 30 now) and the past “feelings” and experiences we had as kids, sticks with me and I tell myself “it’s meant to be”. We both always believed we were meant to be together and he has told me this many times, but the way he treats me blows my mind. I’m so confused. I know I need to cut ties with him before he really hurts me or possibly kills me, but the love I have for him is stupidly intense and I stay. I feel like I’m fighting alone. He doesn’t want me, his actions show, but his words are opposite. His mind games are horrific yet its a thrill. Its almost as if I like living a miserable life. See, that’s all I’ve ever known. Men treating me like shit. I don’t know what it’s like for a man to take care of my head and heart and treat me gently, respectfully, and lovingly. In so turn. I considered suicide, but I’m a coward. They say no one can save you but you, but if it’s you that you need saving from? Prayers please, God knows I need a miracle and a side of strength.
Luna, I really hope you’re happy now and in a place of love and respect. Make yourself #1 alwayss!!!
I had previously left a comment and it was really messed up due to talk text. I have been married and with my husband for almost 10 years now. We have two beautiful boys and a blended family.
Before I met my husband I was in a very bad relationship where I was physically emotionally mentally abused. I finally got the courage to leave that relationship. It was several years later that I attempted another relationship.
I have to say it has been a very good marriage. We have had our ups and downs, but we’ve always gotten through. Lately my husband has been blaming me and telling me that I’m not a good person. He has been putting me down in every way. From my religion, my family to my body. He constantly tells me that he is going to cheat on me, or I deserve to be cheated on, and he deserves someone better that loves him and respects him.
When we are no longer fighting, he blames me because I always tell him he is going to cheat on me. He does not understand why I think he will cheat on me when he has never cheated on me in all the years we have been together. However, he always says these things so I am very insecure.
I admit this to him. I tell him everything. I open my heart to him and he is just empty. He’s not the same person lately. He has been throwing his ex-wife in my face. My husband has been sober since before we met. However, in his past marriage, he was not. And was not a good person to her. She also chose to stay and let him have his way dating other women. He never stood up for and he left her for another woman who ultimately was strong and he could not handle it, so he divorced her.
After this is when my husband and I met. He is a very godly man or so I pray that he will be 1 day. He reads the Bible and states how it says to forgive and ask for forgiveness. He had called his ex-wife to tell her sorry and that he felt very bad for what had happened in their marriage. He told me that I am an ugly person for getting upset at the fact that he feels bad for what he did in their marriage, which was over 14 years.
I admitted to him that I got jealous because I want to have the man that he is, that respects loves and is patient. He is all these things with her. But I get the total opposite. I can never express my feelings to him because he turns it around and tells me that I am putting him down.
He is very ugly lately. He leaves and does not come back home until the next day. He no longer answers his phone or calls me. He just messages me with ugly messages, telling me that I am not a good person and how he deserves better. He puts my body down. He puts my family down.
And and does not hesitate to call me ugly names.
He insists that we do not speak ill of his ex-wife in front of our children. However, in front of our children, he freely screams at me, calls me out of my name and disrespects me He tries to twist things and make me feel as if I am in the wrong and I am the bad person.
My kids are starting to disrespect me just like he does. My heart hurts very badly.
I have been with my husband for 9 yrs now. I feel like i should of seen the signs long time ago when he was behind my back stabbing me for his baby momma even when we were married. I gave him the love he never had as a child, but every time i would find out he was talking and entertaining his baby momma behind my back he says it was because he didn’t want her to keep his daughter from him but i helped take her to court with plate sales and other stuff so he can be in his daughters life she calls me mom and she knows no other women but her mom and me. Things are getting worse than ever before i every time he came home tripping it is because he was doing things behind my back and flipping it on me a few weeks ago her was almost hit by a car he said it was life changing and opened his eyes that i don’t love him the same. Its not love that i do home things because i am a women and married these are things i am suppose to do 🙁 I am not a maid he sits on the sofa while i do everything and get the kids ready he cant keep a job more than 6 mnths. few weeks ago he left took all his things and my step daughters things i told him not to contact me unless it was about his son then he came back the next day and i had to help bring his things home but i felt different now that he left us i have been trying to work it out but he says things that hurt i told him why did he come back if it was the same thing different day last night we got into a fight that was so stupid because i asked him if he closed the gates now here we are i don’t know how to let go when i am close to his 2 daughters ive been around them since they have been so young and stood by his side supported him with his boxing when i tried to go back to school he shut me down and said no 🙁 where is my support i don’t know how to let go i love him but i feel like i am better off with out him that its to late for him to change after everything he has done for 9yrs to me when all i did was give him all of me. 🙁
Ah, the story of my life.
I’ve been through a toxic relationship pretty much my all childhood (14 to 24). We’ve spent 10 years together and I regret it so much, basically I’ve lost some of the most beautiful years of my life being in a relationship I never wanted to be part of.
Whenever I could come up with a reason to break up with her, she was suddenly becoming suicidal. I couldn’t live with the thought that she could hurt herself because of me…
Looking back now – how stupid was I. She was never going to do it, all she was afraid of was being alone. We finally separated and we both have a special relationship with different soulmates.
if yoy dont do it for you do it for your kids and your family andn remember that person doesnt love you and the they are trying to control you so they can keep being abusive and pray and stay out of the smaer relationship becuase these niggas out here are lame and they are playas and they have an huge ego they they are fighting to make themselves look like their in control nd they run you.
Man, for 10.5 yrs. it’s not going to go away quickly. Now you have to take back your pride and self-respect. Let it go. Check off each day you’ve avoided hem on a calendar and give yourself a small reward each week. If you are starting a new job in the same field, then you haven’t ruined your career – yet.
I needed to read this today… I’m in the middle of a very ugly, very abusive, very toxic relationship. It has cost me my healthy, happiness, and most recently my job. My life has turned upside down and I find myself even more attached to the one thing that’s ruining it all. I cannot believe I love a man who has simultaneously ruined my life. I feel crazy. I feel like I can’t tray my own thoughts and emotions. I’ve tried to walk away so many times, but my love for him keeps me coming back. I’m drowning because I can’t walk away. My career is ruined. I look like I’ve aged 10 years in the last year. I cry constantly. I start a new job tomorrow and I’m hoping throwing myself into that and being surrounded by new people and new energy will give me the courage to leave for good.
I can’t believe what I’m reading. There are others out there going through pretty much the exact same thing I’m going through. I’m on the same boat. I feel crazy. He used to be the crazy one and now tables have turned and I’ve allowed myself to be the crazy one! I’m not going to play innocent…I have contributed to the toxicity! I cannot understand why two people who love each other so much can also have so much hate for one another! They say it isn’t love…but to us we fell in love. The first 6 months were the best times of our lives. And we’ve been hanging on for another yr or so just trying to get back to how we were the first 6 months. This is insane and I cannot explain it. I love him and don’t want to leave him. But it has gotten so bad that I got him arrested last night for assault and battery. And yet I still want to be with him! I’m such an idiot!! I do not understand this addiction!
I’m sorry for you Laura.. ?.. Hope everything gets better ASAP… For u..
I gave him 10 years of my life. He swiped condoms with my debit card n had a nerve to lie about ever buying them or even cheated. I dumped him the same day he went and buy a ring. He proposed but everytime I asked him we must sit a set a date he gave me excuses until 4 years after the proposal he then told me tgsf he feels that I’m putting pressure on him. Hes not ready for marriage. I remember crying that whole week because his mistress told my colleagues that there will never be any wedding happening between us he proposed to make me. forgive him. As if that wasn’t enough last week after 10 n half years he had z nerve to tell me he met Gugu and he cant do us anymore. He stopped caring about me last year December. His reason for leaving us(me and the kids) is I’m too overprotective. Like seriously after 10 good years. I’m stressed I cant even eat all I do is cry. He calls me it’s ok I have to answer I call him he doesnt pick up he feels like I’m keeping taps on him with a phone. I want so desperate to forget about him,,to hate him and stop loving him but I cant. Hes making all kinds of excuses it’s like he doesnt wanna move out anymore like he enjoys sticking around just to make me suffer. I’m tired crying I’m so worried about our kids. What I’m I gonna tell them?? How do u tell 5 n 7 years old that their dad found a new girl and hes leaving??
You will find a great guy who will make you happy and be grateful for 2 kids as well. You will look back and think… what was i thinking..
Wow, that really brought a tear to my eye. I really hope that you are ok and so are your children. I have been broken up for 2 months officially. Though we kind of ended the relationship back in March. We lived together but slept in different rooms since March. I started having panic attacks because I knew she didnt want the relationship anymore and was just staying because it suited her financially.
The thing is, over our 3 year relationship she lied and even stole money from me but yet I still miss her. A part of me wants to be with her even though I became miserable. I done everything for her. Helped her financially, I even homed her. And all I ever wanted was to feel loved.
It takes many truths to build trust but one lie to destroy it all.
I have about 2 months without my ex. I miss her so fucking much and we both loved each other its just things kept getting in the way and kept picking at our relatioship. We were together for a year but we were constantly on and off. The last time we broke up she met someone and she had feelings for him. I tried loving her so much her to make her fall for me but she had feelings for him still. Our break up wasnt a formal break up I just stopped talking to her. I want her back so much but I know that there are lots of problems involved. Im with someone new now ,I know im on the rebound, and shes a lot more like me but its not the same. I miss my ex so fucking much.
I was married for 11 yrs. Things were hard from the beginning as he was very controlling, but since I was from a different country, I always thought maybe it is me, I need to change. We had two kids, and thru all the time I was working so that he could become a doctor. Once he graduated, he started loosing a lot of weight and gained a lot of confidence and made me feel like I was not enough for him. I always had been athletic so I helped him in his process. He screamed at me, told me how in the world I became an engineer if I was so stupid? how he was so smart. He told me, I don’t know what did I looked in you to marry you. Things wend down the road and in 3 months from filing divoce we were divorced. Things haven’t changed much, he still yells, he stills repeated told me how stupid I am… He does has a gf, a nurse since before the divorce was finalized. I don’t talk to his family, or him unless is regarding the boys. I just don’t understand why does it still hurts so much each time, I go to a game, or a family event to drop of the kids and all his family, who was in his favor all the time, look at me and say nothing.
My ex mother in law was cruel to me, she even came one time and yelled to me, how I didn’t deserve the “great doctor” that I was artistic, and he needed something better.
I had to move place, as my ex mother in law lived two blocks away from me, my ex a mile and were following me and my mom when dropping kids to school.
I don’t understand this type of controlling situation and if it is common here in the USA.
I am in love with a guy who I believe loves me too. Every moment of his display of love is usually accompanied by an equal measure of display of hatred. Insecure, he constantly fears that I could abandon him and from what I read about his symtops from Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified by Linsy B. i cannot help buy feel perhaps I should walk away
Hello My Name is Consuelo and I’m 26 I am going through a toxic break up as well. It’s been tough but I’ve been hanging in there every day having mixed emotions confused, lonely, and sad. We’ve been broken up for 7 months now! My ex would manipulate me every day accuse me made me cry all of the above!! I wake up every day trying to get him out of my head but it sucks it is hard but I’ve been distracting myself by riding my bike going to parks for a walk and going to the gym. Let me tell you it has been working, you just always got to be occupied or you will sink in the ship again! Be with friends paint, hang out with family. I have blocked him on social media because he would call me every other day around 4:00 Am he always tells me that’s the time I’m awake in his dreams (weird) He stalks me every day and even shows up at the locations I am at to see who what when where and why ? I used to think it was kind of hot lol but then he would threaten me and I was like wow okay that’s not cool ! I have a restringing order on him but I haven’t heard from the court. He always tells that he will find me and who ever I am talking to he’s going to kill us He is CRAZY AND PHSCO but I ask myself why do I still love him! I’m not sure myself why I do? Maybe I’m lonely or I just fantasied too much with him Love is blind ! but we got this! It’s all mind over matter just have faith it’s a slow process but I’m pretty sure we will get it threw we just have to have faith!
I fell for a guy instantly. He didn’t have a job, because he said he is in transition so I, of course helped out with his bills well let’s say I really poured everything I had into him. He has 2 daughters and I treated them like my own. Surprise to me!! I eventually realized he is an alcoholic. I have never dealt with one. It’s been over 2 years with so much pain, unbearable pain. I was supporting him as a child. He took it all to. Was living with me, kept his car legal and credentials ins plan phone plan clothes gifts. By now you are shaking your head and thinking what are you stupid? Well yes, yes I was. I drai ed everything I had for this man and his kids financially to where I have nothing to fall back on if Iose my job. I am disabled and can only do certain jobs. We belong to the same organization, which I believe, is what kept me blinded to what I have been heading for. I since have kicked him out, took him off my ins and phone plan but we still stayed together. I just couldn’t understand why he would want to keep staying with me. I have now been to ala non and CoDa for codependency. He is also a drug addict as I found out after he got a DUI.
Now I’m facing the fact that he has been with another woman in the same organization whom is married yet offered him a room in ber home and is also dating another guy in this same organization. WTH! right. This has just happened as I asked him about her once again. He denied but he said “even if I was interested, do you think I would really want to be 2nd or 3rd?”
I was shocked because to me this was the admission. My gut has been telling me this all along for the past couple of years. Now, I’m so humiliated, overwhelmed devastated constantly breaking down which this part is normal. It’s just so painful. I wonder why I haven’t just gotten rid of him a long time ago. I am in love with an addict. Toxic. Paying such a high price for loving caring supporting someone I thought was on the same page developing a future together. All I can do now is do my best to avoid him and pray for healing. I do not know how to do this. I’m lost and in despair. I have been financially, emotionally, mentally and verbally abused. I need help and have no idea at this point where or what to do. Not sure if this could be posted but I just want woman to know if you suspect an addict stay away learn those red flags. If you don’t your life will be unmanageable and left I despair
I can relate to this, im in a toxic relation ship.. going round in a vicious circle of lies, married to an alcoholic.
I’m going through some similar things. It’s hard. I want to let go but can’t right now. Pray for me please.,
You need to seek some councelling to help you in this decision I was in a toxic relationship for 6 years and I was also abusive and the toxic person. Sadly it ended in tragedy and with a range of other emotions and circumstances my partner hung herself.
I would advise you to seek help for this situation as it will end badly if you or another stay. I urge you to please seek some help. You can not do this on your own.
I needed this today, I cannot tell even begin to describe how many times I’ve googled or binged different words but today it’s like a God given word without scripture reference. I was dating a trans man and he had so many issues from drinking, yo being abusive mentally and then ultimately physically. I always went back, the drinking stopped and he began to get himself on track but it never felt right because his anger would send him over board. I even went back after an argument we had that resulted from him choking me in front of my 5yr old daughter. I made excuses by saying he was fighting 2 hormones the estrogen and the testosterone he was taking, I said it was the drinking, his temper etc. I loved him and care about him deeply but I knew I couldn’t stay, in my heart the damage had been done and he could of taken my life. I had to look at my child and choose her, choose life, choose me. Even though I’m typing this with tears in my eyes this entire article is how I felt for a year and a half. All the signs the inner desperation, the loneliness I can identify with every word. This only reassures what I’ve known all along, love me and continue to move forward as I should have so long ago
I’m 21 years old and I have been in a relationship for 4 years off and on. The relationship itself has turned into one that is resentful and always taken to a level that is hurtful and damaging to one another. Over the years, the man I was with had many issues he had to deal with, one of those being his anger. We both continued to hurt one another, whether through lies or when he cheated/wanted other people. It’s always been more difficult for me to let go. I get this overwhelming sense that I’m doing what’s best for myself to leave but always have this void in me like even though it will end, I will still feel like he is someone that I wanted to be with. Lately, it’s been so much worse. We fight constantly, break up and say nasty things to eachother and arguments get incredibly heated. Overtime he started to attack my character, the type of person I was, and on top of that with the consistently disloyalty and rage that he had had towards me has caused me to feel broken. I don’t feel like myself anymore, I feel insecure and helpless. For so long I have gone back to him thinking that maybe he’d get it or if I tried harder things would work out. I’ve gone back to him knowing he didn’t truly love me, for reasons that now seem stupid. I’m really hoping now, after breaking up recently, that I have the strength to be secure in myself and have the strength to move on from this debilitating relationship. Sometimes it feels impossible though, and I question whether I have the strength to move on for my own good.
Stay strong and know you’re worth more than he’ll ever give.
I’ve been going through the same thing for 2 years, we met, fell in love then she just started the toxic behavior 5 months in, constantly flirting with other men, on and off again, making me feel like it was me? All I ever wanted was a normal loving relationship. I tried to convince myself she wasn’t good for me but we kept coming back to eachother, I was in love with her! Finally she had told me there were other guys she was seeing after 2 years together, I think I was in a fantasy imagining what I thought we could be and she was never there emotionally or physically, I compromised my values and feelings for the few and far between connection we had for a chance! In the end it wasn’t worth it, we put our lover on a pedestal for unknown reasons and they become an emotional vampire sucking the life from you to prop there self up because they know you will always be there go to person! But they never really loved or respected you to begin with.
It amazes me how toxic a relationship can become. How two people who are so in love can be so cruel to one another. I believe it’s the worst kind of pain in the world aside from losing a child. He was my soul mate – the man I wanted to spend my whole life with. I still don’t understand why we couldn’t make it work- I will probably never know because nothing actually happened – it was always fighting over the fear of what might happen. It was him being triggered constantly over little things which I believe stemmed from his fear of being hurt . He would get mad and mean and say the worst things to me – questioning my character – he would work so hard to try and change everything about me – the way I dressed, friends EVERYTHING!! I always felt so picked apart . It got to the point where I stopped living my life ( stopped seeing friends, stopped exercising , deleted social media , stopped being myself ) to try and make things work and It STIll DIDNT WORK- I felt like the life had been sucked out of me. I wasn’t the same girl – I had been beaten down. I kept telling myself that if I did something different , it would work. We have broken up 20 times and gotten back together, EVERYTIME with the same results. We have gone around and around in circles in this toxic Marry go round and basically have lost a year and a half of our lives . When I speak to him- he feels the same- it’s time to end it for good. We have no other choice. My heart is broken.
It’s a difference in emotional intimacy, different vibration, an unseen force. Do not dwell on this, no one is at fault, the universe is vast we understand very little. Just trust that you will love again and be wiser next time, propel yourself forward my friend, times ticking!
Im 24 years old have 3 kids and ive been in a toxic relationship for 9 years. I just woke up after i graduated with my AA and i had a conversation with him about how i wanted to get my masters and he said im stupid i barely got my AA ill be wasting my time. I was pregnant at the time with his 3rd baby but i realized im in the wrong relationship because no one who loves and supports you will say that. He’s a con artist, a narcissist has PTSD, depression, no respect, doesnt listen,selfish i have no freedom no friends.when i was younger i wanted to grow up and be independent go wherever i want and for the pass nine years i never did. I have to bulid my self up again i couldnt go to church the gym the mall anything i want or need to do is a problem i just want to help someone else who in highschool and are in love and tell them to keep focusing on you because a boy isn’t worth it.
Shauna, I can’t help but comment on your post. I am 43 and I am almost finally divorced from my husband whom I have been with since I was 26. The dynamic you describe between you and your ex is almost exactly what my husband and I shared. I too lost my sense of worth and self and I have spent this last year trying to rebuild and learning how to live my own life.
I want you to know that as hard as I am sure that this time is right now, you are so brave and smart to know that boundaries are being crossed and that you want and deserve more. I stayed because I too thought if I just tried harder, our issues would stop. I went back to him time and time again even though there were many red flags: insecurities, anger, bullying, threats, etc. It never got better but because he was a “good guy”, decent, hardworking, talented and funny I stayed.
I am ashamed to say that I would have kept on trying but he came home one day last March and told me he had filed for divorce. I was furious and outraged but now I am actually bothered that I didn’t have the courage to do what you did- walk away on my own. Through therapy and research, I finally understand that he is a narcissist and that we should have parted ways years ago. I am resentful and regretful that I allowed some of the best years of my life to be wasted on/with him.
Don’t settle. You are so wonderfully young and you have many years ahead of you to find someone who loves you exactly for who you are and not who you are in relation to them. You sound incredibly strong and healthy to me, even if you don’t always feel it or at least feel that way right now. You know at 21 what it took me years to figure out. You’re impressive and you will find someone else who thinks so too.
I feel your pain. Like you, I’m 43 and been with him since 24. I fought ALL ODDS to be with this man. I knew I should not because of many issues with families, but I tried.
Years of being neglected, emotionally abusive, I finally said enough. I’m done. I deserve way better.
It’s tearing me apart but I know I’ll get through it, once and for all.
Hi sorry my English is not that well but I will give it a try so I’m currently 27 I have been with my partner since I was 21 he never believed in marriage and to tell you the truth me either we met October 2013 by February 2014 we were living together it just happened so fast he was the comfort and peace I wanted I was so young but with so much emotional baggage all I wanted was to leave my house were there were drugs no abuse but seeing my brothers doing drugs and the same routine growing up since my dad past away I feel like I just wanted an easy way out and he was my easy way out we were partners and that’s all we have been the first year was okay but towards the end of the first year everything went down hill all the cheating, lies , emotional and physical started he haves destroyed me in every possible way just when I think he has changed he proves me wrong I found out on Tuesday he was cheating again most likely at work since he makes it in time and never leaves the house alone I been up all night trying to put together why does he cheats I do everything to keep out relationship happy I cook, clean, I pick up after him in there for him emotionally I do everything you can imagine for him I’m not ugly I just don’t understand why he cheats on me and treats me like if I was trash today I told him I was leaving and he told me good like he doesn’t care he always seems to tell me the same thing but within a week he begins to look for me and he begins by doing everything right but within months we go back to the cheating I’m so tired and emotionally broken
He has no respect for you. You both are addicted to the elated feeling of heartbreak dissipating with false promises. I am in that situation. Off and on constantly this last time was the longest, I recently saw him and MY feelings changed. I can see clearer but no doubt I still want to believe he was the one, probably always will. We rushed things and we have a 2 year old which makes it that much harder to give up on someone. You deserve better and you know it. Highly suggest absolutely no contact for at least 3 months. Good luck!
I have been in a relationship with a guy for 2years now. It has been good but it has been bad. Started with everything I wanted in a man, a man that Loved the Lord. Well went from that to controlling, jealous, and anger, But guess what I Loved This man more then I have any man in my life. He has a good side of living me, like I need, but also braking me down. It has been domestic, I have hope for him to change. He can’t seem to hold A job, he takes care of thdclittle things, but not the big things. My one and only child can’t stand him, he sees him in a bad way for me. But my question is WHY can I not let go, is it the Love he shows me, the attention he gives me, he is clingy has well. Please someone tell me, what I should do. All though I know what I need to do, but I don’t think have the strength, because of the Love my heart has for him..
please tell me an update…
you’re not alone in your sadness
Am leaving for good i dont want to do this anymore am tried this man is evil and i dont care anymore am going to struggle am going to by my self bet that
I have in the first week of August this year broken up with my girlfriend of 10 mths. I just couldn’t take it anymore with her emotional neglect and the very lame excuses she gives whenever I confront her and also when I try to sit her down to talk about us, to find ways or solutions to improve us. At the end of 90% of these discussions, I’ll either be met with silence or I’ll be told or made believe that I am the one who needs to change, I am the one who doesn’t know how to love, i am possesive, I have changed her into a completely different person, I have to learn to accept her as who she is eventhough that wasn’t the picture painted when we first starting dating. In 2 days time, we would be 2 mths apart, the longest since we got together but I am still finding it hard to fully let go and also come to terms with her behaviour towards me post break up. She forced me out of the company (by petty but toxic actions of hers and yet says that she’s not got a thing to do with it), she accuses me of things that I’ve never been accused of in my life e.g. manipulative, a liar, heartless and remorseless when imo she is the one who is all that she accuses me of. 2 wks after breaking up with her, she said this to me during a phone call “however I am behaving towards you now is my retaliation for how you treated me while we were together and I also admit i did make life difficult for you towards the end of our relationship” these were her exact words. How can a person claim that she loves you so much but yet at the same time punishing you for smtg you don’t even know about?! And she has also labelled me as the toxic person in our relationship. I’m 42 and that was the very first time I’ve heard of the phrase toxic relationship let alone be labelled as one. I’ve left her a few times but I always went back and put in more efforts and tried harder to change the things about me she doesn’t like because I kept asking myself the many many what IF’S and also that I kept holding on to the “special” or tender moments we once shared. She has made me feel unworthy of her pre and post break up but I can see clearer now the person she truly is so hopefully I will be able to get over this heartbreak in the very near future.
I was in a relationship like this for about 13 years and just like you I felt this incredible overwhelming pain when leaving until he left for another woman, I was broken, I was devastated but after a few months I could feel myself healing and I felt the toxicity leaving. No lie it was not easy, it was painful but the healing and self love I received from myself and continuing to heal was well worth it.
yeah, i was also in a toxic toxic relationship.
It was physically, emotionally and psychologically so abusive, i hated it so much.
i loved him really so much, it was so passionate, it was spontaneous, it was wild. we did a lot of wild things together.
I however started to see some bad signs of manipulation, controlling behaviour, mistrust, power games.
We eventually broke up, and then he realized he wanted me back and he tried to change everything but then expected me to change everything too that he wanted, was it fair yes.
i was not ready to change in the way he wanted, i felt like i coulsnt do it, he wanted me to show him a lot of love and intimacy but i just couldnt, i really couldnt. I was just stuck with the pain of the past, he was so awful to me and i didnt trust that he would stop with the manipulation and shitty behaviours, it came out in a few more fights that he was still going to play psycological games with me.
I cried a lot, i felt like i was not a good person for leaving him so broken but then i realized, well fuck im broken too, i should be happy too :/
Rose
I am currently in a toxic marriage of 30 years trying to find the strength to leave. I still love him but all the lies,cheating, lack of caring has left me empty for so long.
He appears to unrepentant and uncaring as to the destruction that he done to our marriage and family . We are on a break now and I know he will want to come back and pretend nothing has happened and not address his cheating ways.
I just need to find the strength to let go and love me for a change and regain the self respect that he has destroyed in me along the years.
Thank you for this article
I highly recommend you research sociopaths/narcissists and the manipulative tactics they use to keep you feeling so powerless and trapped. This will set you free.
Once you recognize their toxic patterns and the lies you tell yourself (denial, cognitive dissonance, etc.) That keep you stuck in the cycle, you can start to heal and find true happiness. It all starts with taking an honest look at things, and at yourself. All you need is self love to heal!
I swear this article was a god send. I have obsessed on the internet trying to find something close to my life and this popped up. My ex was perfect when we first met. We had fun, hung out, great sex, we talked a lot and got to know each other. I thought I had really found the one….until i first realized he was a liar. He cheated the entire 4 years we were together then he started hitting me. First time he said he was sorry and that i made him lose his temper and bought me a lot of stuff to show how “sorry”. The temper he blamed on me was the result of finding out he cheated again. The hitting got worse and closer together to the point that it went from once a year to twice a week. I finally got out and he is gone but he still sends threats through text and when i block him he will email me mean things. I feel so stupid for ever loving a man that can cause me such harm. Tried to make me lose my job, tells me how much of a failure of a woman i am for losing two of his children, one of which died in my stomach the day it was supposed to be born. The sick part is everyone thinks he is such a good guy and person and i have helped that image by never telling anything that went on. I am worried that if i don’t stay away he will kill me. I am also worried that if i do stay away he will harm me as well. This just seems like a never ending nightmare. Visions of him standing over me kicking me while crying haunts my dreams. I still have moments that i just beat myself up for letting this happen to me. I used to be the most bubbly joyful person ever now i have a permanent sad face. The article mentioned looking in the mirror…..i did it…..i burst out crying afterwards. I want to be happy and stop feeling sorry for myself. Good to know that i am not alone.
Yes! I completely relate to your post Mischa. I have been married for 16 years but I am at my limit. I have ignored the signs of the abuse and now am I resentful and upset with myself for not doing something sooner! But I can no longer put up with the anger, name-calling, screaming and swearing, manipulation, control, and verbal abuse.
He tells me that he says and does these things because my behavior makes him feel hurt, betrayed and unvalued. He says it seems like I purposely make mistakes or don’t do things they way he likes because I don’t care about him or I am selfish and cold-hearted.
So in order for us to try and make our marriage work we both decided we needed to make changes. At first we started communicating more and became more intimate until everything fell apart again. He too wants me to be more affectionate and be truly intimate with him but I simply can’t do it. I used to think something was wrong with me but I’ve realized I can’t because of all the years of pain and hurtful words. I have forgiven him but can’t forget everything that has happened. And I can’t trust that he won’t do those things again.
If you read more about narcissistic behavior, it all makes sense. The put-downs, the control, the mind-games, the complete lack of respect – all red flags for a narcissist.
It is nice to read these comments and know that I am not alone and that we can move on from these relationships.
Does anyone have advice on how to break the news to your spouse (especially one like mine) that you want a divorce and it’s time to separate?
Hello,
I too was in toxic relationship for 4 years but do you know what I realized. I HAVE TO TAKE MY PART OF RESPONSIBILITY IN TOXIC DYNAMIC IN RELATIONSHIP AND LEARN FROM IT, TO NOT BE INVOLVED IN ANOTHER ONE IN THE FUTURE.
It is hard to leave, the pain is crippling especially if you still love this person but I realized I need to love myself first. I have never felt this way in my life. I KNOW NOW I HAVE RESPONSIBILITY FOR QUALITY OF MY LIFE.
I think, I feel but I am ashamed to admit I am in a toxic relationship. I met my husband almost 11 years ago. I was smitten by his charms. I still love him with all my heart but I cannot go on any longer living like this. 11 years ago I had dreamed of a happy future, normal life, normal marriage, kids someday. Today I still only have a dream. We lived on two different continents. We still live on two different continents. Long distance destroyed me emotionally. He promised life that was worthy of a queen I live life like a slave of my love. He has a toxic brother, sometimes his brother seams like an emotional vampire. I would be able to manage it better have I had my husband on my side. But to my husband everything is more important than us. I have told him many times it is good to help others but not by destroying everything around us. After long 6.5 years my husband finally came here (the process was long and painful) and I thought finally our life was about to start. But 3 months later my husband packed up his stuff and left to help his brother. Knowing my brother in law I knew he will not return soon. My husband swears is for the better future but I lost the faith and trust and myself in the process. Months turned into years…the process is too long and painful. So please can someone tell me is it normal not to spend any birthdays, holidays, New Years, anniversaries together?! Explanation is always it had to be like that, it’s done for our better future… My feelings are omitted not important as everything else has to come before us. When I met him I was 30 with hopes to one day have a child. It is almost impossible to think of a possibility of a child when he visits me with his brother every 5 to 6 months for few days. I have a husband but no shoulder to lean on. Everything is always my fault from not being able to conceive to hurting his feelings and raising his blood pressure. I am always the one who has to deal with his brothers bullying which every time leaves me drained for months. I have no life and all my hopes are gone too. Every time I try to address our issues it is my fault for everything. He does not call me unless there is a holiday or if he needs something from me. He never comes to be with me for a day 5 10. When I say this is marriage his response is I thought it was. All I always hear are excuses to why he has not come how his brother needs him. But I think and I have accused him of infidelity. He talks nonsense ever time I want to address our problems or his absences or his not picking up his phone for months at times. In today’s day of age when we have Viber, WhatsUp, FaceTime I cannot reach my husband for days on end, when I am in question none of those exist. When we finally talk is before he needs to enter the country promising that everything will be fine. But it is not, it never is, and it cannot be as this is not marriage. As soon as he leaves we are back to square one. I feel manipulated. Emotionally tourtured. I am tired of this life of wait until tomorrow. My tomorrows are becoming my yesterdays filled with emptiness. 4 years I have said I cannot I don’t want to live this life. 4 years nothing changed. I still hope one day it will but I think my tomorrow will never come. Not with him the man I love. Did I mention I warned my husband if he goes 4 years ago this will happen of our future… he said never, now he says he would have done it differently had he known. But untill this day he has not changed anything. He wants me to wait for him but how long is enough as it is has already been too long.Have I mentioned he lied about ever been married before and he denied having children… I have not met any of his parents just few cousins. I feel used and abused in every possible way.
Hey girl, i get where your coming from. I ve had the similar kinda situation, been a single pparent, divorced when i was 5 months pregnant and been single until my lil girl turned 8 yrs old, then i met a man who broke down my walls. Made me smile. Promised me happiness and love and a happily ever after, got close to my kid …we even eventually got married only for him to leave me and run away aftr 2 months of our marriage and then i get to know he was already married to a woman for 6 years, all he told me while leaving was that hes going to visit his old man nd old lady, and then as soon as he left home. He stoppped answering my calls blocked me and stil calls me every now ans then and says he ll come back, its been months,the hurt, the betrayal and the lies is too much to handle coz i have never seen such a lifestyle or seen or understood how a human can end up being so cruel and toxic.
Im trying ti heal but it hurts to see my lil girls trust broken, my mom nd dad, nd my kid fall in love faster than me and their hearts are way more fragile than mine, and he destroyed them when he left.
All he says is its my fault and then he gets drunk and calls and apologises, he and his frnds nd his that wife sit and laugh at me and then she calls me and tells me everything hes told her about me and then he tells me shes lying.
Im tired and i so need to get outta this.
Trying to heal myself but everytime i decide on letting go he somehow tries fo get in touch with me and breaks me again.
Hi Bob. Been in one for 23 yrs. He does not live with me, thank God, but strings me along with broken promises. I am 62 and put up with it because of my age. We are friends and not even that so much. He wants a physical relationship and I don6, with him. Tried that long ago.
Today is the 19/02/2023 and i just found your article. I can not thank you enough for writing this because it explained to me everything i needed to hear at this point of my life. Your writing has been my life changer. Thank you 🙂
this is extremely relatable at the moment, and as for the past month and a half. i met this sophomore who seemed as immediately charming and so sweet overall. after weeks of leading me on, i finally ask if he is seeing someone. it figures he has a girlfriend. yes, the fact that he has a girlfriend, hurts, but i still want him, and i want what we could be, which i now know isnt possible. the only time im happy is when im around him; and not in a good way. for the rest of the school day i feel so terrible and crappy. so terrible. it was today where my friends told me that i was a “side piece” and it made sense. at the end of the day, we are just friends. and the fact that he was perfectly fine without telling me he has a girlfriend just shows how much he doesn’t care about my feelings and how depressed i am in my situation, and life in general. i have lost my self respect, self confidence and overall happiness. i almost made a huge mistake and i was making bad choices with this guy. im completely corrupted, and it isn’t worth it. he is having a negative outcome on my life. its time i do whats right for me and let go to a relationship that isnt going anywhere. i deserve more than that, and so do all you. goodbye. :/
Compared to a lot of these women I will probably sound immature, but I met my boyfriend when I was fifteen years old. I’m eighteen now, we’ve been together for three years. At first, it was amazing. He was the first and only boy I ever loved, my first kiss. For the longest time he was my absolute best friend. And then about a year ago I found out he had been cheating on me with his step cousin (also my best friend) for a year. They were cousins so any time i thought something was going on he would say I was crazy. After I found out, he convinced me to stay and that he didn’t mean it and he loved me, and ever since then we’ve been on and off because I don’t know how to trust him, but I also love him more than anything. I know I can’t be with him. I’m trying my best. I just can’t really imagine myself with another person. He’s been my person since I was a kid. He’s still my best friend when we get past the trust issues and the fighting, but it will never be the same and we both know that. I just don’t understand.
Same thing happened to me. Sometimes just have to let go and get excited for new person to respect you and a fresh start
Run while you can don’t put anymore time in.
I am amazed at how much I can relate to this article. I never ever wanted to believe that I was in a toxic relationship. Even after the first time he put his hands on me.
I met him when I was 20 years old. He was homeless and addicted to drugs. He told me he dabbled in Coke and pills. He was 20 at the time also. Already had a felony in his record for vandelizing property. But he seemed genuine about wanting to turn his life around so I let him move in…we met online and he lived in Illinois and I’m in California. So he moved in and I had bunk beds and no intention on sharing my bed….but the very first night he refused to sleep anywhere but in my bed with me. I found this a little strange and invasive but brushed it off. The first few weeks were fine then once we started having sex he started getting mad about guy friends I had….so he started reaching out to his ex girlfriend . This is how our first physical altercation happened. He grabbed me by my hair and held it tightly in his hands. And I rememeber thinking “oh hell no! This is NOT the kind of relationship I want” and I kicked him out. since he had nowhere to go he went to my cousin’s house because he had made friends with her boyfriend. This was withing the first month or so of him living with me. For whatever reason he told me he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again….the first of many lies he would tell me. I became pregnant with our daughter within 4 months of him living with me. He began drinking too much…smoking pot behind my back and lying about it. Fast forward 11 years later and the tables had actually turned from me kicking him out for being deceitful….to him begging me to take him back….to me kicking him out for being deceitful to him not caring and staying gone til I begged HIM to come back saying that IIIII would change. Because I had become so paranoid about his lies and drug use and adultery that I believed him when he said he only did all these things because of how I acted. I finally kicked him out and he went back to illinois leaving me and my daughter. It has been a little over a month that he’s been gone and I feel like I’m withdrawing off of heroin! I’ve never done drugs before and I never knew how to handle an addict. I know I did things wrong…mainly not standing my ground from the very beginning…pushing back the line that he had no problem crossing each and every time. The longer he is away the more I can see us for what we were. A very very toxic relationship. I feel like a failure in my marriage….and even more as a mother because I couldn’t keep us all together. I even almost followed him out there. Out in my 2 weeks notice at work and packed everything up…but my anxiety shot thru the roof to the point where I couldn’t think or see or breathe. I knew my body was trying to tell me it was a bad idea…and it was. My husband is so addicted that his entire mood revolves around whether he has smoked…whether he has more to smoke. His entire personality has changed. I know that this separation was 1) long overdue 2) the best thing for me and 3)was the only way anything was ever going to change between us. Even now when he thought I was moving to illinois he began talking to me more and being nice…then once I told him I couldn’t move out there it was fear and desperation on his part…he tried guilt tripping and manipulating me….I finally had to block him on everything and tell him not to message me unless it’s about our daughter to which he said I would never hear from him again and he was cutting me out of his life for good. And it actually hurt to think of…but what can I do? I will not ever chase him again not will I allow him to keep lying to me. Time would wise up and learn my self Worth and teach my daughter how to be a strong woman!
I too am in a broken relationship. He suffers from depression and obsessive compulsive disorder, which I have dealt with. Trust me it isn’t easy. He now lost his job because he smokes pot nonstop. So we lost our health insurance. And just bought a new house.😒 it’s one hit after another with him and I just can’t live like this. I have lost all my love for him. He refuses to get help. Just says. Oh your so perfect. Can’t do it anymore.
I believe that you do need to be selfish, absolutely. It’s a dog eat dog world unfortunately and you need to look after yourself.
If the relationship isn’t working, get out! Life is to short.
I agree with everything in this article, by the way, good job.
I notice all responses are female. I am an over 65 man and had to end a toxic multiple year on n off relationship. I found this article most fitting. This last break up is without any animosity. That’s a plus. I guess I was just addicted a habitual relationship that lacked fulfillment. Going to be tough. Especially at this age. Any comments?
I’m in a very challenging marriage. It’s my second marriage, going on year 22, wishing my spouse would get sober. 3 years ago by court oder he attended AA, promised he’d stop drinking. That promise had been said many times but I thought with AA it would keep. It didn’t. I find myself struggling so hard to decide to stay or go – endlessly, daily. I stay because I don’t want a second divorce and I’m 65. At this time in life, I feel it would be very hard starting over – again. I’m seeing how I’m getting less patient and get very angry when he home couldn’t find our brand new truck. Walked home. I lost my temper, screamed, yelled, called him an a..hole and a drunk and essentially pushed him out of our bed. Usually I sleep downstairs but lately I thought why should I have to go downstairs? So I screamed and pulled sheets off the bed and he went downstairs. I realize this is my insanity and not a healthy way to act. I feel like I’m living in “The days of wine and roses” movie – which is a sad one. Alcoholic behavior is getting worse and there’s also CBD involved, plus prescription drugs and I don’t do any drinking or drugs so we are very poorly matched. I also am very afraid of the financial and emotional impact divorce has. I agree the article was very true about how bad a bad relationship is for both.
This is such an important article. I am lucky enough to not have been in a toxic relationship but my friend has been and it was so difficult to deal with. I tried to give her advice, without being pushy. Thankfully we got her out of it.
Hi, I have been married for 8 years now. But over the last 5 years our relationship was filled with abuse, and neglect. I have been putting up with it thinking he would change especially looking at how I take care of him and his family. But nothing changed. He and his family just kept taking me for granted and I feel so used and abused at the end of all this. We don’t have avg children (thankfully). All my friends and family are telling me to leave him, but I’m yet to get the courage to do it. I don’t know what’s stopping me. I don’t remember the last time I was happy and I feel depressed and hurt all the time. He doesn’t care to repair the relationship and just calls me names and verbally and mentally abuses me. I really wish I could get the strength to divorce him and move on.
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karenyoung_heysigmund
So ready to get started with ‘Hey Little Warrior’ in Melbourne. This is my fourth time this year presenting this workshop in Melbourne and we sell out every time.
So what do we do here?! We dive into how to support young children with anxiety. It’s my favourite thing to talk about. I love it. Even more than whether or not I want dessert. We talk about new ways to work with anxiety in littles so they can feel braver and bigger in the presence of it. This workshop is loaded with practical strategies. I love presenting this workshop.
(And yes - always yes to dessert. As if I would ever skip the most important meal of the day. Pffftt.)
@compass_australia
Oct 27
karenyoung_heysigmund
They’re often called sensory preferences, but they’re sensory needs.
In our adult worlds we can move our bodies and ourselves to seek regulation. If we don’t like noise we’re less likely to be DJs for example. If we don’t love heights we’re less likely to be pilots or skydivers. If we feel overwhelmed, we can step outside, go into an office, go to the bathroom, or pop on headphones for a break. If we need to move, we can stand, walk to get a tea. At school, this is so much harder.
When bodies don’t feel safe, there will be anxiety. This will potentially drive fight (anger, tantrums), flight (avoidance, running away, movement), or shutdown (in quiet distress and can’t learn).
These are physiological issues NOT behavioural ones.
Whenever we can, we need to support physiological safety by accommodating sensory needs AND support brave behaviour. What’s tricky is disentangling anxiety driven by unmet sensory needs, from anxiety driven by brave behaviour.
The way through is to support their physiological needs, then move them towards brave behaviour.
Schools want to support this. They want all kids to be happy and the best they can be, but there will be a limit on their capacity to support this - not because they don’t want to, but because of a scarcity of resources.
There will often be many children with different physiological needs. Outside school there is nowhere else that has to accommodate so many individual needs, because as adults we won’t be drawn to environments that don’t feel okay. In contrast, school requires all kids to attend and stay regulated in the one environment.
For now, we don’t have a lot of options. Yes there are schools outside mainstream, and yes there is home school, but these options aren’t available to everyone.
So, until mainstream schools are supported with the resources (staff, spaces, small classes, less demand on curriculum … and the list goes on), what can we do?
- Help school with specific ways to support your child’s physiology while being mindful that teachers are also attending to the needs of 25+ other nervous systems. But be specific.
- Limit the list. Make this a ‘bare minimum needs’ list, not a ‘preferences’ one.♥️
Oct 20
karenyoung_heysigmund
Brave often doesn’t feel like ‘brave’. Most often, it feels like anxiety. If there is something brave, important, new, hard, there will always be anxiety right behind it. It’s the feeling of anxiety that makes it something brave - and brave is different for everyone.♥️
#anxietyawareness #childanxiety #anxietysupport #anxietyinkids #parent #positiveparenting
Oct 18
karenyoung_heysigmund
Recently I chatted with Sharon from the ADHD Families Podcast. I loved this chat. We took a dive into anxiety and ADHD, including anxiety at school and some strategies for schools and parents to support kiddos with anxiety and ADHD. Listen to the full episode
here https://www.thefunctionalfamily.com/podcasts/adhd-families-podcast
thefunctionalfamily
Oct 16
karenyoung_heysigmund
Remember the power of ‘AND’.
As long as they are actually safe:
They can feel anxious AND do brave.
They can feel like they aren’t ready for brave, AND be ready brave.
They can wish to avoid AND they can stay (or not be taken home).
They can be angry, anxious, and push us away AND we can look after them through the feelings without avoiding the brave/ new, hard/ important.
We can wish for their anxiety, anger, sadness to be gone AND we can be with them without needing them to be different.
We can believe them (that they are anxious, scared, angry) AND believe in them (that they are capable).
When we hold their anxiety AND their capacity for brave, in equal measure and with compassion, we can show them that their anxiety doesn’t cancel their brave.♥️
Oct 7
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