We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
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They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
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They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
I know how it feels, believe me it won’t change unless you guys cut them off for a while at least to let them realize that they’re really unbearable.
Your husband needs to stand firm and never accept any bad behavior from them, always talk as “we think” , we , we ,we, so they realize that thier boy is a man now and he must be respected and that they have to respect you as his wife…
Never ever let them decide for you , even the smallest unimportant things
Always show them that you guys would never accept such behaviors
You have to be cruel sometimes 💔 cuz thru never get other way
I spent so much time with my in laws trying to please them, they always were ungrateful and wanted more
When I was done and said no they went crazy but we fought
And now they are calmer and they show respect for my husband and our family
The traumas I have feels like the will never go away
But at least no more nonsense is happening…
Wish you ease , never get tired of fighting for your peace
You need to be calm and rest
Your condition can get worse with all the tension
Stay blessed
I feel like I’m going insane. Five years ago me and my partner got together and it was amazing. We were so in love and he wanted to be with me all the time and we just had so much fun together we laughed and we did things together like the cinema or go for meals and weekends away at lovely places but fast forward to now and he makes me feel so alone and unhappy, I am living with him and I’ve moved away from my family and friends and it’s so far away I can’t just get to them. I haven’t really got many friends to where I’ve moved to and I’ve even lost friends because of our relationship. He just has a way of always making everything my fault and I can’t do ANYTHING right, from the way I brush my teeth to how I get dressed to how I cook and the level of control is right down to how I eat and drink and spend money. I love him so much and I don’t want to throw away everything we have (or had?) but I’m sick of feeling so alone and isolated and so so sad. I have tried everything I can to talk about this with him but he is a master of manipulation and it always ends up me in the wrong as usual and being ignored for days and walking on eggshells, wondering what I’ve done this time, how long will this last this time, when will it get better and ultimately how did I get into this situation? Who am I? Because I’m not myself anymore. I am currently being quiet downstairs and he’s up in bed getting some sleep so it’s a little bit of relief. There’s never been any physical violence or anything it’s all mind games and manipulation. My brain is so full of anxiety and confusion that at bad times like today I can’t even hold my phone or have a drink without shaking. I just don’t know what to do, I am honestly in love with him after everything and I hate the thought of not being together anymore and starting over again with someone else. We have some good times still and we have so many good memories together and we have crazy amounts of similar tastes in music, tv and movies plus the things we like to do. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
I am so scared for myself. Mine has been in prison for 11/2 years and about to get out on ISP probation here at home. Well, here for this time, I had time to find myself again and i began to get used to the quiet, not walking on egg shells anymore, no wild accusations and calling me the enemy when I’m doing nothing but tending to his needs in order to stay the hell out of his way and hope he doesn’t snap,etc.So he decides to start taking a new steroid that’s known for making people go off at the drop of a hat to aggravate matters. It’s a recipe for disaster. I’m not a young woman anymore, but I’m taking steps needed to protect myself and he doesn’t know that the days of me just taking it are over. Thanks for the advice too,
I knew this girl in my work place. She told me a certain guy with whom she would come to work place passed her off with his flirting moves and that her boyfriend living in another city had no contact with her for three months. Slowly we became friends and planned our outings. But soon I found she was spending more time with him only . Since this guy already married having two sons is infamous as a womaniser I warned her off repeatedly. She asked me not to bother. And then a day came she told me she prefers his company over me as she can have more fun over alcohol with him.
Since that day I have stooped talking to her. Still she stays in my mind wondering why she would settle for such kind of a person.
My partner asked me to drive his son to school I also needed to drive my daughter to school and if I did both that would make me late for work, when I said that he got angry and said fine I’ll take care of it, which meant he would need to leave 20 minutes earlier for work to do that. I then said I could do it because I felt bad that he was upset and he said he would take care of it in a very short response. What is that???
I don’t know what to do anymore, this might not seem like a big problem, but it truly is for me.
I am 10 years old currently and I’m in 4th grade, my friend (well call her V) -has had feelings for me for a long time, I knew she did but didn’t know how to reject her. She asked me to make a fake relationship so that people would stop bothering us, but I think she thinks its real. Last Friday, I couldn’t take the burden anymore and told her that I didn’t like her like THAT. she acted like she understood but I think she doesn’t. there are a few reasons why I don’t like-like her, 1. I’m not lesbian, 2. I just don’t have romantic feelings for her and 3. I’m too young. My friends kept pestering me about keeping the relationship that we never truly had, I don’t know what to do because they wouldn’t stop telling me to do it. Later on that same day, my friend wouldn’t stop talking to me about it, no matter how much i tried avoiding the subject, I think she was trying to guilt-trip me back into the “relationship”.
What do I do?
Nooo no no this is not normal behavior and you shouldn’t put up with it. Please plan on getting out of this situation. Thanks for sharing. Good luck & God bless.
Kick him to the curb immediately. He will likely injure you eventually. You are too valuable to tolerate this behavior.
Never… This is the biggest red flag… Don’t be a dumbo sister.. Leave that bastard ASAP.. All the best to you and lots of love.. Peace 🧡🙏
Leave!
This will only end badly!
Start afresh somewhere else where he can’t find you!
Please get away from his abuse! Get your strength together, and move on! Move to your own place if you’re able, and get away, FAR AWAY, as soon as possible! The ONLY outcome from that type of relationship, is either continued abuse or DEATH. Please leave it while you can! Start your life over somewhere else and enjoy the life you deserve. You have a choice! Choose freedom, or death! You DON’T need someone like that in your life. I’ve known too many people that chose to stay in that kind of relationship, and either regretted it, or wound up DEAD. please leave when you have an opportunity.
Please take care of you.
Absolutely!!!!
End it and never go back.
This is craaazzy!! This dude has SOOOO many underlying issues that he has not sorted out (probably from his childhood/adolescent years) so as an adult he is trash! He needs to seek assistance IMMEDIATELY before he hurts himself or others. Sorry you’re being subjected to this, but this would be an easy departure if I were in this situation.
This is abuse. Find another job and dump him. He is the worthless one, not you.
I suggest that you go to the police and report him. There are many types of abuse including financial abuse. Change your passwords at the bank. He sounds unhinged. Does he try to encourage you to NOT see your friends? If yes, he is seeking to isolate you so it is easier for him to abuse you. NEVER advise you are leaving him. It is too dangerous to advise a madman in advance. Change you change your phone number and stop using social media? What have you suffered so far?
Definitely you are currently enduring domestic violence, theft, abuse. Stop feeling that you have to “protect” the abusive bully you keep putting up with. He’s a loser. He probably needs a psychiatrist, but that is NOT your problem. It IS HIS PROBLEM to deal with.
Reading this because I’m going through issues with a sister who gaslights me. I’m a little worried about #10 and worried that I’m also being toxic, because I call out her out (trying to do it gently) for saying things a certain way. For example, this person exaggerates. They say I “always” or “never” (as in 11) do things. They also say things like “why are you like” and then list off some characteristic that annoys her about me. Like my anxiety, which she says repeatedly that I need to “just stop”–then she’ll say that our other sister isn’t like this that our other sister acts a certain way, and why can’t I act like this and why is her relationship with the other sister better (and that this is my fault).
When I bring up that I am not our other sister and that I feel she is saying she doesn’t like a part of me that I can’t just change, she says that is nothing like what she is saying. I’m constantly asking her to think about what she says and that language matters. And yes, I use “I feel” statements, I work hard at not using black and white thinking (always/never statements).
I hear from her that my ‘nitpicking’ of her language is just me trying to deflect when she’s trying to talk to me. What I’m trying to do is set a boundary that I find some things she says, and the way she says them to me, aren’t acceptable to me, while also trying to give her the benefit of the doubt by drawing attention to them.
Am I being toxic?
I know I have toxic traits, and I’ve been working so hard at changing them. If I am being toxic by doing this, then I need to find another way to draw attention to how she communicates with me so I can be assertive about drawing my boundaries.
Your site is great and this article was really helpful. It helped put into perspective a horrible situation that is going on with my brother, who has a history of mental health issues, has anger management issues, and is super judgmental and self-righteous. He has literally stated in the past that everyone else is “always wrong” and he is “always right.”
Long story short, my dad died last year. Emotions were running high over Christmas, and my brother and I got into a huge argument that culminated with him shoving me so hard that I ended up in the hospital emergency room with a head injury and a broken arm. The ambulance called the police when they heard what had happened. He admitted that he had shoved me, so he was arrested for assault and battery and had to go to court.
But he takes zero responsibility. He lied to his wife and daughter and said he barely touched me. He also threatened to sue me because he claimed it was all my fault and should pay for his legal fees (!), so I had to hire a lawyer. He got off in the court hearing because I asked for the case to be dismissed. (My brother’s behavior was awful, but I didn’t want to see him go to jail.)
My husband and friends think it’s a no-win situation and that I should have nothing to do with him. But it is devastating for my mother. On the one-year anniversary of my dad’s death, I reached out and tried to offer an olive branch, but he hasn’t responded. I’ll take any advice/feedback!
Very much not at all under any circumstance is that description of a relationship ever to be thought of as normal. No. Upgrade your expectations of life.
You deserve better than what he is doing. No, this is not normal. He is immature and unkind. Love yourself enough to let go of him.
So I had worked with these few people, and they changed the plan at the last minute. When I said that I had already planned everything according to the schedule, they asked me to cancel, and I said no, and they made it into one problem. When I tried to sort it out, they just brought in all my mistakes from last year. But the thing I’m trying to sort out is the problem that just happened. They blamed me for everything, saying I had problems with them doing the project and that I was the problematic one. So lastly, I ended up feeling guilty about it, and I agreed to whatever they said.
So, WOW ~ I’m dealing with extra toxic people I use to work for and who are actively still affecting my life. Toxic Bullies. But, in reading this, I learned I am a toxic person too (although, certainly not a bully). My sister is toxic. I feel like maybe, everyone is toxic to a degree. Maybe an article on the levels of toxicity would be helpful.
– [ ] I said to R (close friend of mine that o haven’t seen or caught up with for months) let’s meet before I go away, I said Sunday let’s meet. T (Boyfriend) came along and said no I’m not working Sunday and Sunday is our day. why put me on the spot! I only work a few hours generally and this time I’m not. So I said so I’ll meet her for a bit then I just chanted topic. In the end I’m nof meeting her.
I mentioned it again, he said I’m going through a lot and you’d going away soon, why can’t you put me first, you’re going away soon. He mentioned before we can go for a coffee in the mornjng before we go out. When were you thinking of meeting her? I said doesn’t matter I’ll meet you and forget it. Then he said I may work Sunday so you can see her then.
I’ve been told it’s abusive but am I wrong for staying? If he can do what he wants why can’t I ? He seems to think it’s okay to do what he wants but I can’t do what I want on the times I want. He uses his own logic to make me feel bad
This girl who I thought was my best friend pushed me off a ledge and broke my arm and made everyone laugh at me. She accused me of pushing myself off the ledge and acted innocent. What should I do.
I’m moving to Florida, I have a friend there…she is currently mad at me because I won’t agree to everything she wants to do to help me. Isn’t it my right to pick and choose what I want help with? I feel I have to be silent around her…she goes off on these rants if she disagrees with something I’ve said. I’m under enough stress with the move as it is. What the heck do I do? She’s currently giving me the silent treatment because I nixed a heavy bedframe she wants to lend me. Gosh, I agreed to a nightstand, lots of kitchen stuff, towels…etc….this is making me crazy.
Sounds like she’s just trying to pawn off all of her unwanted stuff on you, and you’re not cooperating by taking all of her junk off her hands.
She knows you are in a vulnerable state and is trying to control you by offering help that she thinks indebts you to her.
Glad you got out nnyour parents have helped. Lol about your Mom being a therapist. Actually you don’t need to be. Just life experiences directly or indirectly over the years of dealing with other girls n women can reveal a lot. Though its sad,there are many women like this n o don’t actually think or know that psychiatric help will actually help. People like this are usually very insecure inside n rather cowardly so they try to take their anger n dissatisfaction with life, even though they may seem happy on the outside out on someone they think is weaker or too nice or had less social supports,friends etc in the immediate area. They link up with another who is similar, though usually one is more of the catalyst. And it becomes sort of a bonding thing…something they have in common. You handled this so well. Try to work things out,own your part if any,apologize even if your part is small n see what happens. Reasonable people who care about you or at least maintaining/creating a comfortable home environment will meet you if not half way at least a 1/4 of the way. The truth is they didn’t want to work it out because it would deprive them of chaos n drama which fuels unhealthy people without positive outlets n friends. Her mother may be the same way but not as obvious as she is older.
Im sorry y’all I’m about to vent Right now So sorry but yall are the only people i can tell this because they wont listen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a friend let’s say their names are fred and mila. Mila was my bestie and fred came in and ruined that. fred liked mila and mila liked fred so i told fred that mila liked him so i asked him out for her and he said yes bla bla bla they are now together it’s been five months and they forgot everything about me. And it’s annoying me now so I just want to burst into tears and curl up in a little ball like a baby. Each time they are together they always leave me out of stuff then when I try to tell them something and they ignore me and start talking to one another so I give up honestly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Toxic people are all around us, they make us feel useless, or as if we did something wrong, even when we did exactly what they wanted us to do. They continuously change their point of view and make us out to be the bad person. They keep us guessing about their mood and what’s really going on. They twist the truth into confusion and they believe the twisted truth themselves. We can have such deep feelings for them, but they rarely give us the respect we give them. The truth is we can’t change them or control them, but we can try to influence them by doing the right thing and staying respectful even if they dont do it themselves in return. They will try to manipulate our feelings of trust and love, into something they desire, and that’s control. And we as human beings tend to fall for the trick because we really do love them. Even though they actually can’t control us themselves, we allow them to control us by doing what they say. Though that’s out of our own affection for them. We dont owe them anything, we dont have to do everything, but when we do something for them, that’s out of acceptance of the love we have for that person in particular. When they’re upset, they never own up to their feelings, they make us feel like where the ones upset. For those of us with anxiety, depression, bipolar, skitzofrenia or any type of PTSD. we feel like we owe them everything because they were the only one who was there for us, but thats how they got control over us, by manipulating the situation to there will. We are in control of ourselves whether we relise it or not, we decide what makes us happy, sad, mad, or confused by the way we accept situations. We all have a special gift, and thats free-will, and it allows us to think for ourselves, but the people who refuse to accept this about everyone, are the ones who take advantage of others like us. This is just something to think about so you know you’re not alone in this ungrateful world.
My older sister! We are 14 months to the day apart. She hates me & yes I’ve asked her why? No answer. I had a travel trailer but no car she says you can stay withe until you get on your feet. I’m the youngest, parents & brothers are gone it’s just us to were both female I have one daughter she has 3 kids. She has made everyone of them believe I’m a drug addict. I don’t even drink! Yea!! I’m the baby. When I came to stay with her she called the pound right in front of me and asked if they could put my dog to sleep! Who does that?? I cried for 4 days still crying as I text this and this was last year. She called the pound on me 5 times. She did not want me having my dog. One day after that we were watching my dog out the back door she looks at me and says that’s my dog!! (Talking like if he was hers)! No sorry chick that’s my dog. He was 3 then I got him at 7 weeks old. I had a pickup parked on the street it quit running she said move it I don’t want it in front of my house. I told her it’s on the street I’m going to get it moved. Next day guess what? No truck she had it towed! She laughed at me when I was fired from my job! But thank God I got my job back. She told an employee at a McDonald’s we go to yeah been at my job 10 yrs don’t even make $15 an hour, she just got rehired & makes $17 an hour i can’t help i make more than her shes a high school graduate im a highschool drop out!! Oops!! She has been successful in turning my only child against me! Our oldest brother passed away a while back and the officer asked her is there any other living siblings besides you and his son? She said no it’s just us me and his son! I spoke to that officer he said Diana I would of never known you existed if you hadn’t called! I said I’m sorry?? He said I asked your sister Lori if there were any other living siblings and she said no there is not!! She has lied on me it’s unreal and for so long no one believes me! This Friday I’m moving out never coming back she will never be welcome at my home ever! She did what she could to turn my daughter against me I have a 18 yr old grandson that I have never spent one day with in his life yeah and folks this is real this is no joke what so ever. She fought with me this morning before I had to leave bcuz she knows if I’m late I could get fired and I will get points assessed against me. Do you think she gave me a ride? Nope!! I water 10 miles to work! I just started back to work I get paid this Friday, I have not one dam dollar to my name. My co workers bought me a pack of cigarettes, I have one TV dinner left I have nothing to drink here nothing! And my pup has one can of dog food. She has not said one word to me tonite.. and get this she is white her boyfriend is Spanish he doesn’t speak English she doesn’t speak Spanish!! She dated a guy for a year and a half a while back never even knew his real name until I told her there’s something up with that guy. Sure enough wanted by the law for embezzlement. Remember she’s a high school graduate! Whatever!! I’m tired she needs to stay out of my business go away I do not need her period! Just to keep dragging me down. I thought somebody has something on me I can’take it. Just realized today no kidding its her!! Been her all this time!! Well sorry for her I’m gone thank God!
I started reading articles like this one and catching all the little ways I am suffering from this toxic abuse. Stood up to her and it got worse. I think she realizes now that I will not let her control me anymore and it has made it worse as she is struggling to regain or hold on to the control over me that she has. And sadly she does because my depression has kept me unemployed and I have no way to support myself. If I don’t like it I am told to leave. While I don’t want to be where I am not wanted, it has turned into a parental thing where I am treated like a child. The solution will mean becoming homeless without the ability to work. But it doesn’t solve our differences it just ends the last useless 30 years of being together
Why is it that having suffered severe CVD, Mental abuse, and emotional abuse, people tend to be vulnerable in choosing friends etc? Ending up being friends with or choosing partners, that are toxic?
My husband and I are both on our second marriages after very long first marriages. The thing I find most annoying and hurtful about him is that he never refers to we and us. It’s always “I” and “my.” We even have a business together and when he talks about it, he constantly refers to himself even though the two of us built the business together. I have talked and talked to him about this. Whenever he mentions his past, it’s always “we” no matter who is talking about. he actually referred to himself and his tax preparer as “we.“ Why do you think this is? Is he not vested in our marriage?
Am i a toxic person? is what i ask myself almost every other week. There’s a guy who’s claims to be in love with me, i also care for him but am not the most affectionate person. Thing were ok..ish although i’ve been asked to sugarcoat my words im known to be blunt and he says its too harsh so ive been watching how i say things. We often argue because at 1st he didn’t understand boundaries, yes i was concerned about that. But he was willing to learn. Another problem was he wanted to spend every single day with me i want days to myself as well but feel like i have to ask permission every time because he’s always waiting for me as soon as i go out. Few months later we argue over my game account, he wants the account and i say no. Its a game we both play but he wants to play on my account and i can use his but i say no thanks i don’t want yours. We actually argue for 3 days straight over it. He ends up bring up other arguments from the past and im saying but where not talking about those right now or going off topic and going back over those past ones. I made plans to be with my family on Sunday and he gets mad saying thats our day when we have been spending every day together. we did watch tv shows on Sunday but we did that every other day as well so i couldnt understand why he was mad at me and why and how that suddenly became our day i did say sorry but im taking that day for my family and we can work out days to spend together also i want at least 2 days to myself and we can spend the other except Sundays he did still ask me to say no to Sunday but i said i wouldn’t its the only day my family have free. We would often disagreed on things i would said no to because it cross my boundaries but he insist i try his way if i don’t like it i can stop but ive already said i no he’d say to loosen my boundaries . Im often having to defend or explain no’s. Most times I asked to agree to disagree but that had been shut down asking me to work with his way. Until i have enough and ask to be excused to go clear my head. Then the next day he’ll apologise and i will as well. Once we even argue over how we argue i need time to process and cool off before we can voice our displeasure while he wants to get into it right there and then in the heat. I suggest that he writes what he wants to get out and talk about it when my pressure is not high. Our arguments tend to happen when i get off work and says im tired. He said he can’t do that so i suggest talking to a friend he asked his friend to come over and he explained the situation. His friend also says to write down what he want to get out and that’s how that one ended. In these arguments we go in circles and i get told things like im ungrateful when ive never asked for anything or that i didnt know you are this kind of person i trusted you or the most used why cant you be this,why cant you do that, why can’t you just, you could have done this. I did blow up at that and said what’s your problem? you trashed me all day with those and he say it i wasnt trying to or i didnt mean it that way or he had an emotional burst or his meaning of words are not the same as everyone else, like when he said we should see each other i thought he ment lets break up after a day he says that’s not what he ment and sorry my response we need time to figure ourselves out and learn how to talk since im tired of always tying guessing what he means that’s a game i said i hate playing i cant know what you mean unless you tell me he says ive express my dislike for this many times and our last argument was because of misunderstanding his meanings. At this point my feelings are starting to fade i still care but i feel tired some days we can get along. He said he’d work on not using his own personal meaning but today it came back up with him asking me to find a meaning in a song i said i didn’t want to but then listen i stated the meaning of what the song said its about how the guy will do anything for the one he loves, he says no what do i think his meaning is i was tired of always asking how will i know your own personal meaning so i said i have no idea. He explains his meaning and its the same as mine the words are just different , i say thanks but i don’t want any of that and he says why dont you want it? and that i have no choice. At that i had enough i have no choice is not something i can stand. He then goes to i never let him do anything for me although this is true im very independent and was hurt when he called me ungrateful and says i have no choice. He says im dismissive of him im too stubborn and its toxic and im making him change who he his. i have my bad ways i know but am i toxic ? ive never callled him names cures or say hes ungrateful ive gotten upset ive rasied my voice i find myself on defence and i did tell him but he says he can’t help i have to figure it out.
I have been married for 45 years. I have dealt with not being able to say anything. It’s ok if he says things, but if I say anything back, he will say I’m always starting things. Sometimes he turns it around that it’s me with snide remarks. He has done nothing but push his family away. He seems never happy unless it is done his way. Getting tired of walking on egg shells. One day he’s nice, then the next day you can’t do anything right. I have helped him and been by his side all this time, but am getting tired of always having to kiss up to him and say I’m sorry. Don’t know what to do anymore
I have been with this guy for about 9 years. Everything was fine in the beginning but the last few years things are just getting worse. He doesn’t help with bills or cleaning. He calls me non-stop to see what I’m doing. He doesn’t let me hang out with friends without him calling me a million times. I can’t shower alone let alone if I shave anything on my body he says I’m meeting up with other guys. If I don’t call him to and from work he blows up my phone. He makes me call while I’m at work, and blows up my email. He will come to my work and follow me home at least 3 times a week. He says I’m bi-polar when I try to tell him that I don’t want to be with him and that I want him to move out. Every time I tell him I don’t love him anymore he says “Your just mad you don’t mean that.” It doesn’t matter what I say to him he doesn’t listen. I don’t know what to do now or how to get him to leave. I left him once and he stalked me and forced me back into the relationship and used my daughter against me.
There is this girl in my class. We used to be best friends with another girl in our class. We’ve all been in the same class for 5 years. This is our 6th year together. Last year we started fighting and she would say things that hurt my feelings and also saying really annoying things like “Oh, my gosh, whatever!” With this really stupid sassy attitude. She’d say other things too and I just couldn’t stand it and the boy I liked was always partnered with her, always sat close to her even after we switched desks. No matter how much I try to hold in my feelings, no matter how much I try to start over and be kind to her, no matter how much I am empathetic to her she is a jerk. I almost want to not be empathetic so she can know just what a jerk she is to me. She will laugh when I tell her how she hurt my feellings. Now she finally said ok we’ll start over. But now she is just so annoying I CAN’T STAND IT!!!!!! Also now she is being mean to our other friend olivia. when it is olivia’s birthday she doesn’t even sing or she rolls her eyes or doesn’t clap! I NEED HELP!!!!! PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO DEAL WITH her and how to act, what to do!! Please and thank you.
Question, if my partner talks crap about others and is a jerk to others, does that make them toxic?