We have all had toxic people dust us with their poison. Sometimes it’s more like a drenching. Difficult people are drawn to the reasonable ones and all of us have likely had (or have) at least one person in our lives who have us bending around ourselves like barbed wire in endless attempts to please them – only to never really get there.
Their damage lies in their subtlety and the way they can engender that classic response, ‘It’s not them, it’s me.’ They can have you questioning your ‘over-reactiveness’, your ‘oversensitivity’, your ‘tendency to misinterpret’. If you’re the one who’s continually hurt, or the one who is constantly adjusting your own behaviour to avoid being hurt, then chances are that it’s not you and it’s very much them.
Being able to spot their harmful behaviour is the first step to minimising their impact. You might not be able to change what they do, but you can change what you do with it, and any idea that toxic somebody in your life might have that they can get away with it.
There are plenty of things toxic people do to manipulate people and situations to their advantage. Here are 12 of them. Knowing them will help you to avoid falling under the influence:
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They’ll keep you guessing about which version of them you’re getting.
They’ll be completely lovely one day and the next you’ll be wondering what you’ve done to upset them. There often isn’t anything obvious that will explain the change of attitude – you just know something isn’t right. They might be prickly, sad, cold or cranky and when you ask if there’s something wrong, the answer will likely be ‘nothing’ – but they’ll give you just enough to let you know that there’s something. The ‘just enough’ might be a heaving sigh, a raised eyebrow, a cold shoulder. When this happens, you might find yourself making excuses for them or doing everything you can to make them happy. See why it works for them?
Stop trying to please them. Toxic people figured out a long time ago that decent people will go to extraordinary lengths to keep the people they care about happy. If your attempts to please aren’t working or aren’t lasting for very long, maybe it’s time to stop. Walk away and come back when the mood has shifted. You are not responsible for anybody else’s feelings. If you have done something unknowingly to hurt somebody, ask, talk about it and if need be, apologise. At any rate, you shouldn’t have to guess.
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They’ll manipulate.
If you feel as though you’re the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right. Toxic people have a way of sending out the vibe that you owe them something. They also have a way of taking from you or doing something that hurts you, then maintaining they were doing it all for you. This is particularly common in workplaces or relationships where the balance of power is out. ‘I’ve left that six months’ worth of filing for you. I thought you’d appreciate the experience and the opportunity to learn your way around the filing cabinets.’ Or, ‘I’m having a dinner party. Why don’t you bring dinner. For 10. It’ll give you a chance to show off those kitchen skills. K?’
You don’t owe anybody anything. If it doesn’t feel like a favour, it’s not.
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They won’t own their feelings.
Rather than owning their own feelings, they’ll act as though the feelings are yours. It’s called projection, as in projecting their feelings and thoughts onto you. For example, someone who is angry but won’t take responsibility for it might accuse you of being angry with them. It might be as subtle as, ‘Are you okay with me?’ or a bit more pointed, ‘Why are you angry at me,’ or, ‘You’ve been in a bad mood all day.’
You’ll find yourself justifying and defending and often this will go around in circles – because it’s not about you. Be really clear on what’s yours and what’s theirs. If you feel as though you’re defending yourself too many times against accusations or questions that don’t fit, you might be being projected on to. You don’t have to explain, justify or defend yourself or deal with a misfired accusation. Remember that.
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They’ll make you prove yourself to them.
They’ll regularly put you in a position where you have to choose between them and something else – and you’ll always feel obliged to choose them. Toxic people will wait until you have a commitment, then they’ll unfold the drama. ‘If you really cared about me you’d skip your exercise class and spend time with me.’ The problem with this is that enough will never be enough. Few things are fatal – unless it’s life or death, chances are it can wait.
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They never apologise.
They’ll lie before they ever apologise, so there’s no point arguing. They’ll twist the story, change the way it happened and retell it so convincingly that they’ll believe their own nonsense.
People don’t have to apologise to be wrong. And you don’t need an apology to move forward. Just move forward – without them. Don’t surrender your truth but don’t keep the argument going. There’s just no point. Some people want to be right more than they want to be happy and you have better things to do than to provide fodder for the right-fighters.
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They’ll be there in a crisis but they’ll never ever share your joy.
They’ll find reasons your good news isn’t great news. The classics: About a promotion – ‘The money isn’t that great for the amount of work you’ll be doing.’ About a holiday at the beach – ‘Well it’s going to be very hot. Are you sure you want to go?’ About being made Queen of the Universe – ‘Well the Universe isn’t that big you know and I’m pretty sure you won’t get tea breaks.’ Get the idea? Don’t let them dampen you or shrink you down to their size. You don’t need their approval anyway – or anyone else’s for that matter.
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They’ll leave a conversation unfinished – and then they’ll go offline.
They won’t pick up their phone. They won’t answer texts or emails. And in between rounds of their voicemail message, you might find yourself playing the conversation or argument over and over in your head, guessing about the status of the relationship, wondering what you’ve done to upset them, or whether they’re dead, alive or just ignoring you – which can sometimes all feel the same. People who care about you won’t let you go on feeling rubbish without attempting to sort it out. That doesn’t mean you’ll sort it out of course, but at least they’ll try. Take it as a sign of their investment in the relationship if they leave you ‘out there’ for lengthy sessions.
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They’ll use non-toxic words with a toxic tone.
The message might be innocent enough but the tone conveys so much more. Something like, ‘What did you do today?’ can mean different things depending on the way it’s said. It could mean anything from ‘So I bet you did nothing – as usual,’ to ‘I’m sure your day was better than mine. Mine was awful. Just awful. And you didn’t even notice enough to ask.’ When you question the tone, they’ll come back with, ‘All I said was what did you do today,’ which is true, kind of, not really.
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They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation.
When you’re trying to resolve something important to you, toxic people will bring in irrelevant detail from five arguments ago. The problem with this is that before you know it, you’re arguing about something you did six months ago, still defending yourself, rather than dealing with the issue at hand. Somehow, it just always seems to end up about what you’ve done to them.
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They’ll make it about the way you’re talking, rather than what you’re talking about.
You might be trying to resolve an issue or get clarification and before you know it, the conversation/ argument has moved away from the issue that was important to you and on to the manner in which you talked about it – whether there is any issue with your manner or not. You’ll find yourself defending your tone, your gestures, your choice of words or the way your belly moves when you breathe – it doesn’t even need to make sense. Meanwhile, your initial need is well gone on the pile of unfinished conversations that seems to grow bigger by the day.
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They exaggerate.
‘You always …’ ‘You never …’ It’s hard to defend yourself against this form of manipulation. Toxic people have a way of drawing on the one time you didn’t or the one time you did as evidence of your shortcomings. Don’t buy into the argument. You won’t win. And you don’t need to.
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They are judgemental.
We all get it wrong sometimes but toxic people will make sure you know it. They’ll judge you and take a swipe at your self-esteem suggesting that you’re less than because you made a mistake. We’re all allowed to get it wrong now and then, but unless we’ve done something that affects them nobody has the right to stand in judgement.
Knowing the favourite go-to’s for toxic people will sharpen your radar, making the manipulations easier to spot and easier to name. More importantly, if you know the characteristic signs of a toxic person, you’ll have a better chance of catching yourself before you tie yourself in double knots trying to please them.
Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own faults, your quirks and the things that make you shine. You don’t need anyone’s approval but remember if someone is working hard to manipulate, it’s probably because they need yours. You don’t always have to give it but if you do, don’t let the cost be too high.
During this pandemic, I’ve experienced these from people who say they love me, but………… I’m tired. Really tired. I wish I had a place to go to find some peace. The last place in the world is with these people who love me.
I would like an outside view of my situation. I’ve known this girl for a year and a half, at the start she was nice and sweet. But now, she purposely plays the victim, gets me in trouble, doesn’t work, overly sexualizes, and points out flaws in my interests. I’m pretty much an outcast when it comes to interests and talents, I draw and enjoy reading Manga, as well as doing makeup and special effects at home. But she always takes these things and drags them through the mud, making me feel as if it’s a crime to like them. She also takes the things I like and corrupts them, makes them sexual, despite me asking her not to because it makes me uncomfortable. She constantly shoves all her LGBTQIA+ opinions down my throat, don’t get me wrong, I respect and support it, but she just twists it and adds it onto the pile of “Abnormalities” she has. She claims to be depressed, anxious, stressed, have low self-esteem one minute, and then the next, telling me that she’s confident, happy, and not screwed up, and then telling me I should be more like her. I always find myself bending over backward just to please her, only to not gain anything from it in the end, she says things that stress me out and make me question what others think of me. Recently She’s been shooting me cold glances, and talking me down and being nastier than usual – yet no one else can seem to see it – and I’ve been looking through her social media accounts, asking friends their opinions on her, because I can tell there’s just something off with her. Her personality just doesn’t add up. She recently said she had been dealing with a toxic person, and then kept on glancing at me, I have the suspicion she thinks I’m toxic. that has been worrying me sick so much, making me think “maybe I am toxic, maybe it’s me, not her.” I feel more unstable emotionally than ever and she won’t stop, always blaming me for overacting or being cold. I’m worried sick that I’m not a good person now, can I please have some advice on my situation?
Really simple. Get away from her, and stay away.
shes a gaslighter type manipulative and cruel a taker
get her out of youre life
Im awake at night now, my anxiety is bad, i dont know why my bf of nearly a year has recently changed. We had one argument because he refused to add me to his socials. Then he drops a bomb that he was married before and doesnt want me to see the photos. Since then he just seems mean and standoffish, said he isnt sure about our future. I didnt feel special on my birthday as i didnt get a gift (to me its the sentiment) i know he can afford it he goes out enough. I bought is tickets to an event he likes and he was like take someone else as a joke. Then he compared me to his ex saying he bumped into her on our date and she said i look old. He points out girls that work out alot. He doesnt say i love you much now or send me many sweet texts. He made no plans for me this week and went out tonight and hasnt read my message. Im crying because at other times he is so loving and gentlemanly and shows all the right values,the sex is unreal. I just feel devalued. I dont think he can get past the fact that we argued. If i tell him how i feel he would say im upsetting him. I really struggle to let go
Hello so long story short im very close to my mom. But she has always seemed like 2 people.. super awesome do anything tor u, watch my kids mom.. about 9 yrs ago my step dad passed away. I am bow noticing more the other person, the mean, critical unforgiving side. She humiliates me about my house, my weight, anything she can pick on me about in front of my hubby and kids. I have td her she cant talk to me this way and she makes fun of me. I cannot be myself around her anymore because i am always walking on eggshells, she id very confrontational and and When I try to tell her how i feel she cries. I feel bad she lives alone. She also comes over and rearranges my home after i have asked her not to. Recently she freaked out on my brother and I for not coming over when we said we would even though it was something we talked over, apologized for and i thought got over. Ive had enough. I dont want this drama and negativity to reflect to my children. After our last fight i told her i needed some space. She got upset and accused me of retailing against her.. ugh I dint want to have to confront her about this but it might be time. I dont want to hurt her feelings. Help
This is a really good article, and has helping my sneaking suspicion on this one friend, I met her a year ago, and she was so nice, interesting, energetic and humble, but the thing that got me a few months later, was that when I met her, I was trying to introduce myself to another person, who I’d apparently known as a young child. Turns out, I didn’t connect with the person I was aiming for, I got sidetracked by her “friend” who she didn’t seem comfortable with at all. That should have been a red flag at the time, but it wasn’t. I was distracted by her friend.
The friendship was great at the start, but unbeknownst to me at the time, she was slowly changing my behavior, and views on things. She consistently made me bend over backwards to give her attention, because she was “messed up, unstable, depressed, anxious, maltreated by others, etc” she CONSTANTLY played the victim, and when we were caught in our shenanigans, the blame was always on me, despite her being the one who started everything. She always covertly told me there was so much wrong with me, all the while telling me I was perfect and the only one who could help her. She would guilt-trip me and others, and constantly make drama for attention. She also had this habit of complaining about people she was friends with, which was just confusing. One particular instance, she had been texting back and forth with a friend, who had feelings for me, I’d already figured it out, and did not feel the same way towards him, she knew I didn’t feel the same, yet consistently asked questions about whether I wanted a relationship or not, if I was “emotionally ready” to be in a relationship again. I knew it was so she could tell the guy that he could ask me out, after months of feeding him relationship advice, dating advice, and lots of information on me. I knew this because she’d message and email him while sitting right next to or in front of me. I could easily see what she was saying about me. After a month or so, she asked if I would be fine with a relationship, and I lost my guard, previously I had been saying “No, I don’t want another relationship” so she wouldn’t make everything awkward. But this time, I forgot, and said “Yeah, sure.” The next following weeks consisted of me not knowing what to tell this guy, I’m absolutely inexperienced when it comes to rejecting people, it’s not something I enjoy doing, and she knew that. I’ve since apologized to the guy, and we’re still friends, but none of that had been pleasant.
When I finally got to see her uncaring, blunt and cold side, no one else saw it, I had been struggling with stress and workloads, and wasn’t in a great sate of mind, and all she did was say; “I don’t really know what to do.” and turned the conversation onto her, despite the fact I’d just broken down and started crying. Although we aren’t so close anymore, she still controls me when I’m around her, even going as far to make me feel like the toxic one. She recently stated that she had been dealing with a toxic person, now I’m just confused as to whether I am the toxic one or not. Can anyone help me confirm which of us it is? I generally try to be compassionate, help and push other people up, admit to my mistakes, and apologize lots. I try not to be cruel or mean, and always ask if I sound arrogant or am hurting someone. But now I don’t know whether its me or her, I’m so confused.
Dude. You’re both toxic. Take responsibility for yourself. No one else is to blame for what you do, say or behave. If she’s controlling and you can see that, and you give her that power – that’s entirely your fault.
You need to quit feeling sorry for yourself and stop hanging out with this person. Then go and work on yourself and fix what’s in your own heart. Highly recommend getting some counselling to get an objective view on this.
How do cope/ handle someone that talks jibberish/mistake you for someone else.
It’s her but she doesn’t know that. She is behaving like her mom or against her mom or dad or whatever. The red flag is you are confused. No healthy relationship is this complicated or this hard. You could get some distance and sort it out. Mostly it is possible you need to know and trust yourself more. Take care.
Thank you for sharing this. I grew up with a narcissistic mother. I attracted many narcissist, “mother figures” in my life, and domineering friends. After I dated and narcissist man who caused much pain. I left the relationship and, I realized I had to put an end to this. I began to learn all that I could, and I got counseling, and grew stronger. I don’t have many friends in my life anymore. Just two, but they are quality friends. Now, I no longer have to separate myself from toxic people, they leave quickly. I think once they realize that you will not put up with disrespect and their nonsense they move on to find others who are more willing. It seems they are so anxious to wreck havoc in the lives of others, they can’t rest without it. But if don’t participate in their craziness, then they have nothing to work with. Keep learning, growing, and spending time with positive people, even if that only person is a book, podcast, encouraging videos etc., don’t give up.
The same… narcissistic mother and father, I couldn’t understand why I kept attracting the same people. Then after a toxic relationship with a guy I realised.. I had to change.. no therapy but a lot of soul searching and no more denying truths. Thank you for your post, really lovely to hear others have had similar experiences (well not really – but you get what I mean)
Perhaps there are toxic people because of the toxic world we live in that imposed its toxicity onto them and so it will take a measure of kindness to help turn that around such that simply trying to be kind as much as is possible, because it is not always possible may be helpful in changing a person back to their best. When people say that person is “off” what people do not realize is they themselves begin a pattern of behavior that continues the toxicity of the other. This is why if we just be who we are then what is supposed to happen will happen for that toxic person, but we remain stable. Hard to explain in a short burst of verbiage, but I tried… ha
Any help/advice/opinion would be most welcome.
I got to know someone last year in december. I am 27 years old never been im a relationship before. I was quite unhappy and lonely on the verge of desperation. I have self confidence issues due to my appearance and childhood trauma( parents fighting /infidelity) .I declined many proposals and was declined by some over the years. But last year I opened up and got into a relationship with a men 4 years younger than me. I.e 23. At start everything was perfect, he was exactly what I needed. Kind considerate caring generous but very jealous. He told me from the beginning. We involved our families soon after and I began to see a different side to him. He is a very kind son. Quite responsible and he works in his family business. He does whatever he can for me and in whatever way he could. But he is very critical and negative of other persons in my family. He could talk to and lauqh someone with someone but he would criticize afterwards. Then he began to show an uncaring attitude towards me and swore at me for petty issues. He always said sorry afterwards though. I did my best to keep him happy and do whatever I could for him. But i didnt like the fact that he repeats everything to his mum and he does only what she tells him to. I understand he works together with them and she wants the best for him. But in a couple I think that we should be able to think individually and not listen to every advice. The family as well is toxic. They care only about themselves, evryone else is bad for them.we were going to get engaged in some months and in our culture all prep are done on girl’s side. We decided to do the function in front of our house only but his mum told my mum she thought it would be better if it was done in a hall. We thought it was only an opinion. But the next day the guy also said to me that he does not want to do the function in front on my house. I was very very hurt because if he was truly in love with me he would have understood my situation. He would have not backed up his mum.
Oh dang, apparently a lot of people
She just doesn’t care. She has her priorities and apparently I’m not one of them. It seems to happen every time though. I try to make her happy I try to please her, but I hardly even get a response. She just says “ok” or leaves me on read. Lately she hasn’t even opened me. I’ve been giving her everything for over 10 months now, and she just acts like I don’t exist. I really can’t take it much longer. But who’s here in 2020?
I have a friend that I dearly love. Some years back she hurt my feelings and really embarrassed me in front of some other GFs. I thought that maybe something else was bothering her and that she may have taken it out on me.This has bothered me for a long time, so I brought it up in via text. She first responded that that truly is what happened and nothing else. Then she rambled on and ended up copying the entire text and sending it to our girlfriends that were there that night. She cried out whoa is me and asked if she’d hurt anyone else? I was shocked and tole her this was a private conversation.
Turning back to our private conversation…she never apologized for hurting my feelings. She just took the opportunity to tell me of how I have hurt her feelings. Then she said she didn’t want to talk for awhile that she needed to think about this situation. She actually turned the entire situation to being about her!
In years past she has been the friend that is never totally honest when we others bare out hearts to each other.
I had decided that I wanted out friendship to get better and I knew I had to clear the air. I never expected this. I do love her but am afraid that she is a bad soul tie. Please comments! I’m am hurt and pissed.
Sorry but that’s a typical abusive comment . You did it to protect her is what I get from my toxic partner all the time after he’s lied ! Lies do come out in the end anyway I’ve waited patiently for his and last week they dropped into a discussion with a solicitor about our Wills ???? now I’m confined to the bedroom just to be away from his bullshit .
Well I have a boyfriend and we have been together for 2 and 5months but thoes two years we weren’t together,he was living in the states so we were on a long distance relationship but then he came to his country where I also live there it was nice the first couple of weeks but then he started to spend more time with his toxic ass family and friends so he always gets mad at me for silly things he tries to manipulate me when arguing by saying that he came all the way just for me weather it’s my fault or not.almost everyday he asks me aggressively to meet up with my family or else he won’t be sure if I love him truly lol I know this sounds so funny but the long am with him the less I love him so I think everything that he does is toxic he also don’t get happy when I get to chill with my friends without him he brings up the silly bad things that they did long long ago and am sick of it
I said something wrong in anger to someone few months ago . Should I go apologize now ? Won’t it exaggerate or bring old things up ? I don’t know how they gonna react .
Came to this article thinking my boyfriend is toxic; turns out I am the toxic one (8/12) ????
This sounds like my ex best friend. We had a fight about coronavirus and she said I don’t want to be your friend anymore and stormed off like a child. Now she has me blocked and won’t apologize for what she did after even I tried to apologize to her. Now I feel miserable and depressed. Now I don’t know what to do I’m trying to move on from this situation and now I don’t even know if the relationship is worth chasing.
One other tactic that toxic people use that is not mentioned in the article is that they “Create a Posse.” Whenever you have an encounter with them they did not go to their liking—or maybe you called them out on one of their other behaviors—they will immediately call on 25 of their closest friends and tell them a twisted drama about how you were so insensitive and rude in your encounter. Each time the story is told more embellished details will be created, and the number of people who disapprove of your behavior will increase. Before you realize it, what you thought was a misunderstanding between two people is now your entire department who all agree with the judgement that you should be sent to the gallows. Truthfully, you would agree that you should be executed, if any semblance of the story that they had heard was at all even remotely accurate.
Just need to vent as I see a lot of these examples in my boyfriend from the article and from other people. We’ve been together four years, things started off like a dream. Then noticed he would give me the cold shoulder for things I didn’t realise I’d done if I’d said the wrong thing (which i have always been confident in my past relationships of not being afraid to say how I feel If something bothers me) and he would walk few steps ahead of me if we are out in public and I would feel humiliated. He heavily sighs when we communicate when somethings upset him and then when I ask he won’t answer/turn to his pc or put headphones back and the convo ends and I just don’t feel he sees my point of view and we don’t get anywhere and we are both left feeling sour. He is a bossy person and I am not someone who is bossed around by anyone which is why I think we have conflict emotionally. I have all these lovely ideas for days out with his daughter (my stepdaughter) but he never seems interested so I just give up. I love outdoors and walking and views and exploring he prefers to stay indoors or go somewhere that serves more entertainment like arcades or crazy golf (which I’m also happy to do but outdoors Is free and yes I compromise and we do what he wants to do as well) he sighed makes faces and moans if I suggest outdoor walks says it’s boring and speaks for his daughter too so it’s 2 against 1. He also has a bad temper and smashes things up when I don’t back down with my views or relent to keep peace. I have supported him when he was on his ass jobless with covid19, I do all the duties a mother would for their kids (I don’t even have kids!) such as clean clothes meal cooked Etc I bend over backwards because I know that we are very loving to each other but on the other hand we can argue and it’s so easy to turn nasty as he has a temper and I do as well because I am just exhausted, I can’t fight him anymore. I can’t argue I feel miserable I feel like I can’t go and do the things I want to do on my own Without feeling guilty As will make a comment but when I ask him he declines anyway I can’t win. His 7 y/o daughter always agrees with her dad not necessarily because she wants to but I think she knows he will get arsey if she agrees to do something with me. Despite this I always overlook things and forgive and forget, we make up easily but that’s because I overlook. And we love each and we Get along a lot as well it’s just when it’s bad it’s horrible. Sorry if doesn’t make a lot of sense I’m just tired.
I met this lady who offered me a lift, the following day she called for me to join her and it became regular.I noticed from her body language she was positioning herself as my partner from conversations we had.I never proposed to her , then one day she put up this moody look and like toxic people do she said nothing, i pressed further and she accused me of blocking her texts line and begun to recounts things i did 4 weeks earlier which she never complained about and even that she called once and i told her i was out of town, meanwhile she knows i travel every weekend.I noticed she sometimes refused to pick up my calls or return text messages.Sometimes she responds with what you see are cooked up lies but i dont point it out.I sent her a text telling her i liked her 4 weeks earlier and she never even raised a whimper about it.This particular day i mentioned above that she put up that emotional out burst, she referred to that text and wanted explanation.I told her the fine print was explanatory and i told her i loved her to which she agreed and said we should take it slow since it was early and even asked why i did not tell her earlier.A few days ago she raised this issue of that text message that i liked her again, after we had arguments over nothing and i called off this friendship since i did not see it as a relationship.She came back a few days after blaming me for hitting on her and we should talk instead of texting,i joined her car the following day and she begun demanding meaning of ” i like you”,.I remained resolute that the fine print was enough,she said my refusal to tell her the real meaning makes her see me in a certain light, i said we had already had this discussion so no need to go into it.I realized she wanted me to say something she was expecting to hear so i refused because i may be making a commitment pre maturely.I am coming from a divorce after 12 years of marriage to a very toxic person so i am very careful.this lady started accusing me of trying to take advantage of her like certain men did to her in the past,i was very angry .She said also if i am not interested in such games i should not send her such text messages, but i kept my cool.I thought i should walk away because she is equating me to the men that took advantage of her and by that comment she exposed herself as a person who in the past lost her guard anytime men hit on her, she has come to that realization and she is being very defensive but her interest in that harmless message means she still expects me to behave like the previous guys in her life and she would end up blaming me for taking advantage of her, thats what she is used to , not entirely her fault..I realized she just cant understand how this guy would send a hit on message and not follow it up.My amazement was with how in a second she forgot our earlier discussion we agreed to take it slow.I sent her a text message i did not want to hang around characters such as this and we should end whatever friendship we have because i respect myself and i have never taken advantage of any woman in my life.
You just described my mom.
What do I do when I’ve been abused and I feel deeply hurt by a toxic person I still care about. They send me texts first but still ignore me when I respond.
love reading your article
I met the love of my life about 3 years ago. After 6 months, she fell pregnant (accident).
We had a mis-carraige but it made us actually want to have children.,
A year later, another mi-scarraige. I was busy buying a bigger house for our future family. Finally, last year in June, we had the start of a successful pregnancy.
After buying the bigger house (+£1000 extra mortgage a month…) obviously the first thing that had to be done was to knock walls down and get a new kitchen fitted (+£40,000). I was reluctant to get into £40,000 of debt, but I thought it would keep her happy.
The baby finally arrived in March and then we had lockdown.
I am now working full time (she gave up work for the child, which was OK by me) at home. I am also doing the following:
1. All the cooking (breakfast, lunch and dinner)
2. All the tidying up after cooking
3. All the nappy changing (half way through a meeting at work, I get a “text” saying the nappy needs changing and if I don’t drop everything instantly to do this, she gets angry)
4. Sometimes, she would want a cup of tea or some water and will text me while I’m working telling me to get it for her.
5. Most of the laundry (she’ll put things in the machine then have a go at me if I don’t hang the washing out)
6. I spend between 2-4 hours a day with our child to give her a break.
Today, the cleaner is coming, so I have to “pre-clean” the house. This caused an argument. I made a comment like “it would be nice if you cooked the lunch for once as I am working full time”. BIG mistake.
I then get emotional bullying about “well, you can’t feed the baby so you’ll have to do everything”.
She then basically said that I do “fuck all” and I am lazy.
It would be nice if just once she said something nice, but there is always something else I’ve got to do or have got to buy. If I sit down for 5 minutes, she will also yell at me.
I feel totally unappreciated and a bit like her personal slave.
I can’t wait until our daughter has grown up a bit so we can split up.
Anyone else been in a relationship lik this? How did it work out?
What happens when the toxic person is daughter and you love her and want to reach her. Almost every day ends in a fight, even if it’s been a relatively good day. She has such empathy for so many others but none for me. I had hoped that therapy would help her but all it did was teach her not to back down. I cry so much. It’s like I’m never good enough.
I welcome any comments or advice..
A little back history my husband and I have been together for 12 years. At the beginning I had my red flags. He lied about having Facebook. He lied about female friends. He broke up with me over other women over and over again when I gave him ultimatums. Now let me also add that at the beginning of our relationship (early 20s) when he would do something to hurt me or betray me I would do things in return to make him jealous as well. (I have never slept with any other man but him) Once I realized it was a pattern for him. I stopped altogether trying to make him jealous and simply told him that if he wanted these women they could have him. He is very manipulative and gaslights me often. For example I found out he was looking at his ex girlfriend up on Facebook. To me it was weird and I confronted him. He in return told me I was being insecure, jealous and invading his privacy. He broke up with me and refused to speak to me for weeks. (Mind you it was the day before my birthday) Before being with him I was always confident in myself!! Recently I notice that I don’t feel as pretty (because of the other women I know him to be attracted towards) He belittles me so much so that I blow up on him. He ignores me. Im always feeling alone in the relationship. I express to him how I feel and he ignores me. Fast forward to this year (2020) we live together!! He has been acting very moody and distant so I decided to go through his phone. Found out he has dating profiles, visits hook up sites and tried to meet some random woman he saw at a gas station?? When I confronted him he acted as if it was no big deal. Told me to get over it. That he was just doing it for fun and NEVER hooked up or slept with anyone but me.!?? For me it was and is a deal breaker. As all of this was going on behind my back without my knowledge. I have no idea if he has had sex with any of these people (he was looking at women and trans women)!! I am at a loss and truly know I deserve better. I feel trapped and don’t know what to do.? I feel he is torturing me emotionally and mentally. I’ve told him to leave me since he is so unhappy. But he refuses!! Did I bring this on myself due to how I handled his infidelities at the beginning of the relationship.?? I know he will never tell me the truth.
my family disowned me and this is how they act it has affected my mental health a lot to where I have low self-esteem and made me feel not relevant. was always there at there becking call. when I started dating my boyfriend a year and a half ago they have been degrading my boyfriend and i and when i would not help my aunt and she disowned me then got the rest of my family to do and my family says they disowned me because of my boyfriend and my attitude.
So was dating this girl, and it ended for a year or so and now we are just friends.
I know she manipulated and lied her way into a lot of things, and I could c it done to other people and me but I never called her on it cuz I didn’t care, and the relationship wasn’t that serious at the time…. But there is one particular habit that she does that I don’t quite get!!!!
Long story short, she was getting divorced when we started seeing each other (or so I was told) and it turned out she was still with her husband or working things out with him.
Back then, when she flaked, id message her and she would call after an hour or so always in a hurry (lol) come up with some random excuse like walking into a store, ordering food saying she would call again then hanging up…
Now she reconnected again… we agreed on being just friends, but she still does that same stupid shit. I mean if she did this before cuz she were messing around and was trying to play smart with the lame ass excuses so I won’t end it.. i don’t get it now as there is nothing on the table what so ever.
Am I mad?
Hey reubin! I’m Hazel. Just wanted to let you know my thoughts. First of all, I think that if she is not actually going through a divorce or anything and is still married, maybe she was cheating on her husband with you and that might be for various reasons but the point is that in a normal situation it would have been better for you to make it clear that you weren’t on the wrong side and didn’t know what she was doing. But in your current situation, I think it would be best to simply leave and cut contact with her and anybody related to her (hoping there aren’t many). And whatever she is dealing with and whatever she did with you, it seems wrong to me from what I read. But still, you know better! So listen to your heart in this one but along with that, use some logic to try to figure it out. I personally would have simply left and cut contact, as I told you. But it’s not your fault! You should know that. Hope u figure it out!
“” I mean if she did this before cuz she were messing around and was trying to play smart with the lame ass excuses so I won’t end it.. i don’t get it now as there is nothing on the table what so ever. “”
To you, there is nothing on the table. But, for her, stuff still is.
“” Am I mad? “”
To me, no. I think you’re experiencing what happens when you interact with someone who doesn’t mean what they say. Since they don’t mean what they say, they also think you don’t mean what you say. So, “… nothing on the table what so ever” is code to her for maybe things will change in a bit, or he’s just playing hard to get, or some other bologna.
ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU WOULD LET HER BACK INTO YOUR LIFE?
IF SHE MANIPULATED YOU ON MANY OCCASSIONS AND LIED TO YOU, HER TRACK RECORD REALLY SPEAKS AGAINST HER.
(oops sorry for caps lock). And then ask herself why did she reconnect? And how did she do it? Did she show remorse and was apologetic of her past behaviours or did she pretend as if nothing had happened?
I would strongly advise against being in contact with her. She will mess with you and you have nothing to gain but a lot to lose. It’s very easy to get sucked into drama by a manipulator or a toxic person, but getting out will be much more diffuclt.
Be careful!
I would like to receive an outsiders opinion on this. Recently a long time friend and I got drunk and I let it slip out that a guy who liked her had confessed to liking me, about a year ago. However I also did mention that I didn’t feel the same as he felt towards me and that I knew my friend liked him so there was no way I would ever date him because I cared about her too much. At the time I was also dating my friend’s cousin. Another important detail is that my friend‘a cousin knew about the guy liking me because the guy would constantly mention wanting to ask me out on a date. Her cousin also knew she liked the guy but he never mentioned what the guy had said to him ever. Now my friend is putting all the blame on me and saying that all I do is hide stuff from her, when in reality this is the only thing I’ve ever kept from her. She even told me that it wasn’t fair because “I was pretty and she had nothing.” I do admit that I should have told her about this incident when it happened but at the time I felt that it was best if I didn’t because in a way I thought I was going to protect her. She has now blocked me on everything, and I almost feel as if she wants me to say something that’s not true just so she can feel at peace.
“I would like to receive an outsiders opinion on this.”
Ok, here’s one:
Maybe it better to ask yourself: “would I want to know if the person that liked me, also liked my friend a year ago?”
And also ask yourself “And would I be comfortable being around them together knowing that the only reason my friend said they didn’t like this person that liked me now, was because we were friends, and not because they weren’t interested in the person”
Or better, “would I want to know the truth even if it hurt”
As far as the other things in your post,
“She even told me that it wasn’t fair because “I was pretty and she had nothing.”
That sucks, it sounds like your friend thinks her only value in a relationship is her beauty. She doesn’t think she brings other things to the table in a relationship or that they matter. This is really hard to get over. A toxic culture has embedded the beauty belief into us.
“She has now blocked me on everything, and I almost feel as if she wants me to say something that’s not true just so she can feel at peace.”
Well, you originally told her something not true to make her feel at peace in the first place. You told her *silence* about the entire situation when it first happened. You’ve seen how that has played out, do you want to go down that path again?
I wouldn’t be hard on yourself if you are. You are not a bad person. No one teaches this stuff when we are growing up.
I think your friend feels betrayed. The trust was broken. And I think that’s why she blocked you. Maybe she expects that friends don’t keep secrets from each other, even if it means to protect them. Because if you do keep secrets then you’re doing what you think is best for her, and not what she thinks is best for her. But then there are other friends who don’t want any truth. Instead, they want to feel good around each other even if it’s in a cloud of lies. It’s what type of friend do you want to be around? What do you value?
So with everything that has happened, do you now want to value Truth over pain? Because the truth still came out. It tends to do that
Regardless of your answer, there are times when you tell someone the truth and they don’t want to hear it. And, they don’t hear it. They can’t hear it. The pain would be too much. They hear something else and instead to block out the pain. They hear something that was never said and something that is not true.
When talking with friends, maybe it’s better to tell the truth. That’s my opinion and it comes from spending the first part of my life in the company of friends who preferred the cloud of lies. Needless to say, I don’t have those friends anymore because of that cloud of lies. Now I don’t have any friends to test my tell the truth even if may hurt theory, but right now that is the conclusion I have come too.
Is one way better than the other? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just wherever you’re at in life; and at some points in life there is just too much pain going on all around you and all you want is to just feel good – lies and all. And then maybe at some points in life there is just too much pain going on all around you and you want the truth so you can deal with it and move on with your life.
Dear Andrea,
It does indeed sound like your friend is manipulating you.
The ‘incident’ does not seem to warrant such a strong response from your friend. A more appropriate response from her to would be to express her feelings, which you should acknowledge and try to understand without defending your point.
It does however seem like she now has no desire to be speaking to you if she has blocked you.
Blocking someone is a clear message which says: “I do not care what you have to say”.
If you care a lot about her, write her a letter which she can choose to read or not to read. Lay out how you feel, explain that you are open to a conversation (if you are) and that you hope that you both can grow stronger through this experience.
If she continues to manipulate you if any way, I would distance myself from her.
They are still active in their twilight years. Nothing stops them, the more power they have the more people they control.
But not me, so I’ve become a target and all narcissist traits being used against me.
A lifetime………
I don’t know what to do ifeel completely and utterly broken I got married to what I believed was my dream girl at 18 we’ve been together since we we were 15 I’m going to be 21 in a week things have not been the same since we’ve been married I feel like I’m a different person she countuisly fucks with other guys and then by the the end of the argument she will make me feel like I’m in the wrong I’ve had multiple friends tell me stuff and she denys it for the longest I’ve been the one holding us together giveing her my everything and finally I’m realizing everything is not my fault when I am with her and giveing her everything I have she didn’t want anything to do with me but now I finally wanting to start a new chapter of my like and stop making my self feel insane she reels me in and as soon as I’m back she starts it all over again I love her to death we have two children together I need help
Turns out my girl has all these toxic qualities but I am unable to leave her because she gave me her virginity , she wants to be with me forever .. and also I have so much love for her even though she is like this..
Is there any way to make her change??
Please please help me out ..
I really love her and want her to experience a healthy relationship with Me
Because I know that her being toxic has no benefit to her and people around her
I just want to help her change
you can not help her change. she needs to change on her own. If you want an honest advice, believe it or not you are not responsible for her.
move on, find someone who doesn’t drain your energy and appreciate you without manipulation. don’t hold on to an image of what you want things to be and judge them for what they are.
If you really want to make something out of your relationship, it is going to be an uphill climb. I would not recommend being in a relationship with a toxic person, as it will eat away at your substance as a man. In time, you will be under her thumb and suffering because of her abuse. Is that what you really want?
A relationship is between 2 people both giving to each other. I was with a toxic person from being 14. Eventually, we had children and the abuse got worse. 30 years later he is fighting me in court and it’s costing thousands of dollars and the children are stuck in the middle. All the time, people warned me that he would get worse and he did. I hope you can be strong and do what is best for both of you. You deserve to be in a healthy relationship. It is nice to be loved and appreciated for who you are.
A Tiger can never change its stripes.
I am very sorry that you recognise your girlfriend in this article. It must be difficult to see that the person we love exhibits very negative and potentially harming behaviours.
In your post you write a lot about your gf, but very little about you and how you feel, or what outcome you’d like to see FOR THE SITUATION.
Is there a way to make her change? It’s very hard to force someone to change, if they themselves don’t want to change.
You say you’d like HER to experience a healthy relationship with you. But what about you? Would you like to experience a healthy relationship with her?
From your post, I get a sense that you put your girl first: her wants, her needs. Then you put your wishes for her life, and only then, at the end comes what it is that you want for yourself.
The best gift you can give yourself is more self-care and self-love.
Take a moment and ask yourself if you yourself are behaving in your own best interest. Ask yourself this: if you were giving advice to your best friend who is in your situation, what would it be? Remember, the goal is to give advice, which will be in your friend’s best interest.
It’s difficult to say anything about your girl’s behaviours without any concrete examples, however virginity should not be used as a bargaining chip by either of the partners. I recignise, that this may be different if you both come from conservative or highly religious backgrounds.
You certainly seem to be in a challenging situation and there isn’t a magic bullet for your problem, but my advice to you is, put yourself first. Not in a selfish way, but in a kind and compassionate way. Ask yourself if the person you are with is helping you grow as a human and would be willing to put so much thought about your well-being as you are about hers.
One practical tip I would suggest is to look up and practice non-violent communication technique. Familiarise yourself with it and practice it when speaking to your girl. Hopefully, by becoming better communicator yourself, you will be able to shape a kinder communication path for each other and you will find a way to express to her when her behaviour is crossing a line.
More than likely she will not change. It’s sad to hear, but trust me when I say I’ve been thru the ringer with an ex girlfriend who is toxic. I thought I could change my ex over time and ended up staying with her for seven more months than I should have. The lying, manipulation, deceitfulness, and narcissistic traits she had never changed. I even got told “you are trying to change me because you think you now have all this knowledge that you’ve read about, but I am never going to change”. “If you can’t love me for my faults then this isn’t going to work”. Needless to say I stayed about a month after that was said then we broke up for good. It’s been about 8 months now and looking back on all the shady stuff she did throughout I’m mad at myself for not leaving earlier. Just cause the sex may be great is no reason to stay. Really look at the red flags and determine if you believe deep down in your soul that she could eventually be a better person to you.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Each and every person is born into this world for a certain reason. Some people can easily find their purpose early on in their lives, while others might have to spend half of their lifetimes trying to figure out the reason why they are here. Nonetheless, regardless of time, everyone has the capacity to find meaning in life.
Hey I read this great article and i do have a question and some tips. I have a toxic person I believe as a step brother (though I don’t call him one at all) and he was a boss that I had and if I can explain right he was always getting angry at me trying to stand up against him and he would always judge me and try to make me look dumb at work and he also would try to be slick with changing subjects and talk about logic even though he didn’t seen like the person to be logical. He had my sister call me and tell me I was hiding from him at my home and he seems to focus so much on me. And I even quite during fussing, but he keeps trying to make me work with him again but I dont and he also showed he would start begging or trying to make me work with him…so is this a toxic person? And how do I stay far away from this guy?