If toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a high-powered warning and secure packaging to prevent any chance of accidental contact. Sadly, families are not immune to the poisonous lashings of a toxic relationship.
Though families and relationships can feel impossibly tough at times, they were never meant to ruin. All relationships have their flaws and none of them come packaged with the permanent glow of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven, and occasionally rehashed at strategic moments. For the most part though, they will feel nurturing and life-giving to be in. At the very least, they won’t hurt.
Why do toxic people do toxic things?
Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen – but the type that keeps people small and diminished.
Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism, judgement, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.
It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.
Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.
Even the strongest people can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident, more wounded version of the person they used to be.
Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants – control.
Toxic Families – A Special Kind of Toxic
Families are a witness to our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws. All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core.
Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs – but for every disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt and any fantasy that things could ever be different. And here’s the rub – the pain of a toxic relationship won’t soften until the lesson has been learned.
Love and loyalty don’t always exist together.
Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us. The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works. We trust them, listen to them and absorb what they say. There would have been a time for all of us that regardless of how mind-blowingly destructive the messages from our family were, we would have received them all with a beautiful, wide-eyed innocence, grabbing every detail and letting them shape who we were growing up to be.
Our survival would have once depended on believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question that we might deserve better. The things we believe when we are young are powerful. They fix themselves upon us and they stay, at least until we realise one day how wrong and small-hearted those messages have been.
At some point, the environment changes – we grow up – but our beliefs don’t always change with it. We stop depending on our family for survival but we hang on to the belief that we have to stay connected and loyal, even though being with them hurts.
The obligation to love and stay loyal to a family member can be immense, but love and loyalty are two separate things and they don’t always belong together.
Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships. What you need to know is this: When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.
We stop having to answer to family when we become adults and capable of our own minds.
Why are toxic relationships so destructive?
In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.
Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate. When one person in a system changes, whether it’s a relationship of two or a family of many, it can be challenging. Even the strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and insecurity at times in response to somebody’s growth or happiness. We are all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions that come with being human.
The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control.
Why a Toxic Relationship Will never change.
Reasonable people, however strong and independently minded they are, can easily be drawn into thinking that if they could find the switch, do less, do more, manage it, tweak it, that the relationship will be okay. The cold truth is that if anything was going to be different it would have happened by now.
Toxic people can change, but it’s highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It is likely there will be broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them – but the carnage will always be explained away as someone else’s fault. There will be no remorse, regret or insight. What is more likely is that any broken relationship will amplify their toxic behaviour.
Why are toxic people so hard to leave?
If you try to leave a toxic person, things might get worse before they get better – but they will always get better. Always.
Few things will ramp up feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns in a relationship. For a person whose signature moves involve manipulation, lies, criticism or any other toxic behaviour, when something feels as though it’s changing, they will use even more of their typical toxic behaviour to bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that feels acceptable.
When things don’t seem to be working, people will always do more of what used to work, even if that behaviour is at the heart of the problem. It’s what we all do. If you are someone who is naturally open and giving, when things don’t feel right in a relationship you will likely give more of yourself, offer more support, be more loving, to get things back on track.
Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realise that it’s not the tearing that hurts, it’s the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.
Think of it like this. Imagine that all relationships and families occupy a space. In healthy ones, the shape of that space will be fluid and open to change, with a lot of space for people to grow. People will move to accommodate the growth and flight of each other.
For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that shape is rigid and unyielding. There is no flexibility, no bending, and no room for growth. Everyone has a clearly defined space and for some, that space will be small and heavily boxed. When one person starts to break out of the shape, the whole family feels their own individual sections change. The shape might wobble and things might feel vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever it takes to restore the space to the way it was. Often, that will mean crumpling the ones who are changing so they fit their space again.
Sometimes out of a sense of love and terribly misplaced loyalty, people caught in a toxic relationship might sacrifice growth and change and step back into the rigid tiny space a toxic person manipulates them towards. It will be clear when this has happened because of the soul-sucking grief at being back there in the mess with people (or person) who feel so bad to be with.
But they do it because they love me. They said so.
Sometimes toxic people will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak, stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have heard the word plenty of times before.
The only truth you need to know is this: If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.
Love never holds people back from growing. It doesn’t diminish, and it doesn’t contaminate. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. If it doesn’t do this, it’s not love. It’s self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else’s idea of how you should be.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but a healthy one is a tolerant, loving, accepting, responsive one.
The one truth that matters.
If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. It might mean walking away from people you care about – parents, sisters, brothers, friends – but this can be done with love and the door left open for when they are able to meet you closer to your terms – ones that don’t break you.
Set the boundaries with grace and love and leave it to the toxic person to decide which side of that boundary they want to stand on. Boundaries aren’t about spite or manipulation and they don’t have to be about ending the relationship. They are something drawn in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the doorway is to you. If the relationship ends, it’s not because of your lack of love or loyalty, but because the toxic person chose not to treat you in the way you deserve. Their choice.
Though it is up to you to decide the conditions on which you will let someone close to you, whether or not somebody wants to be close to you enough to respect those conditions is up to them. The choice to trample over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. It doesn’t mean you are excluding them from your life.
Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgement, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. No relationship is worth that and it is always okay to say ‘no’ to anything that diminishes you.
The world and those who genuinely love you want you to be as whole as you can be. Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken and malnourished.
When you were young and vulnerable and dependent for survival on the adults in your life, you had no say in the conditions on which you let people close to you. But your life isn’t like that now. You get to say. You get to choose the terms of your relationships and the people you get close to.
There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them.
The growth.
Walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.
Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step.
You can’t pretend toxic behaviour away or love it away or eat it, drink it, smoke it, depress it or gamble it away. You can’t avoid the impact by being smaller, by crouching or bending or flexing around it. But you can walk away from it – so far away that the most guided toxic fuelled missile that’s thrown at you won’t find you.
One day they might catch up to you – not catch you, catch up to you – with their growth and their healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their need to control you.
You can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect and kindness. This is one of the hardest lessons but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones.
Sometimes there are not two sides. There is only one. Toxic people will have you believing that the one truthful side is theirs. It’s not. It never was. Don’t believe their highly diseased, stingy version of love. It’s been drawing your breath, suffocating you and it will slowly kill you if you let it, and the way you ‘let it’ is by standing still while it spirals around you, takes aim and shoots.
If you want to stay, that’s completely okay, but see their toxic behaviour for what it is – a desperate attempt to keep you little and controlled. Be bigger, stronger, braver than anything that would lessen you. Be authentic and real and give yourself whatever you need to let that be. Be her. Be him. Be whoever you can be if the small minds and tiny hearts of others couldn’t stop you.
[irp posts=”1602″ name=”When It’s Not You, It’s Them: The Toxic People That Ruin Friendships, Families, Relationships”]
I can’t deal with the pain I’m a feeling. I am in love with a man that is toxic! I have been seeing a man for the last 3.5yrs i didn’t know he had a girlfriend till 8 months in and by then I had fallen in love. He has cheated on me, beat me, controlled me, lied to me and made me feel like i am nothing, he has taken everything away from me my confidence, my social life everything! This summer he split up from his girlfriend and told me he wanted to make it work between us but lately he has been kicking off over silly things and i knew something wasn’t right, yesterday I found out he is still with his girlfriend but in an open relationship he has gone mad because i messaged her and Ive not heard anything from him since. I wish to just wake up and not feel for him anymore but i don’t know where to begin I had 8 months of counselling to try and get over this last year but nothing is working. What can i do?!
Great. Thank you for the thorough article and wonderful posts! They really helped.
You’re so welcome. I’m pleased they helped.
Am afraid To live my girlfriend because I donT wanna be alone and just a thought of losing her is suffocating But she dont really want like I need her.everything I do for her Is not enough and when she does something wrong I apologize to make her feel good because I dont want her to get mad at me cause when she does she does’nt call me or say sorry and when she is with other guys she’s so happy and I go to her she becomes unhappy and I just tell myself maybe am jelouse but she treats me like somebody she hates and its painfull because she wont talk about us its just about how much of a failure I am…please help me because am lost I dont know who to talk to
Benny this relationship is unsustainable. Your fear of not wanting to be alone is setting you up for a miserable life if it makes you stay in relationships that hurt you. You can’t change other people if they aren’t willing to change. There is someone out there who is looking for someone just like you to love. Sometimes there is great need to act with enormous strength and courage, to let go of the relationship that is wrong for you, so that the right one can find you.
You stated your fear, being alone. So use your energy to leave toxic relationship and find a better one where you are respected. Better yet, spend some time alone with yourself and learn to realize some of the best peace in life is when you are alone. Needy people fearing aloneness do not make good life partners, so work on yourself being okay alone and happiness elsewhere will come. Be patient. It’s totally worth your time!
I have been feeling very sad and depressed about a relationship I have been in a year and a half. I can across this article googling how to let go and I found this to be a very interesting read. My partner and I have both grown up in dysfunctional families. Some things you said mad me feel I’m the toxic one and others made me feel she’s the toxic one. For about 5 months we have been broken up. I left because I was tired of constantly being accused and told I was doing things I wasn’t and I tried to break free. I wanted her to see what she was doing and stop so thank we Could be together but instead she insisted that I did it wanting something with someone else. That wasn’t the case however! She’s been my everything. We have both done things to hurt one another and in September I decided I wanted to start over with a clean slate. I started giving her the love attention and understanding she always asked for and she’s telling me I’m everything she’s wanted me to be this entire time. Yet she isn’t willing to get back together. She and I have a long distance relationship, we live an hour and a half apart. I’m the only one making efforts to go to her and she is barely making time for me. She and I used to spend every weekend together and now I am only seeing her one night a week . She’s making plans and doing things with everyone but me. I feel all of this is just revenge for me walking away 5 months ago but I never stopped spending weekend with her. I always wanted time with her. She just keeps saying she wants to go slow. I don’t know what to do anymore because I have let walls down opened my heart and gotten closer as she’s pulling away. What should I do? Any advice is appreciated.
It was very difficult to read this article, simply because I feel like I am the toxic person in the relationship, but I’m not sure. I have been dating my g/f on and off for a few months, but we’ve known each other for a little over a year. She has a history of being in abusive relationships, the kind where the guys would be very physical with her and call her mean names. I’ve had a history of being in relationships where I don’t feel appreciated, or where I’ve essentially been put in a grey area, not fully being embraced into the relationship.
My fear is that because I was hurt in this way, I have become the very same type of person. And because my g/f is accustomed to abusive behavior, she doesn’t want to leave me. I do love her more than anyone I know, but I don’t think I’m “in love;” I don’t know how that is supposed to feel. We have broken up and gotten back together maybe 3 times now, and we recently broke up about two weeks ago. I am trying so hard to walk away from this, but planned events such as Halloween or even a wedding are coming up that make us both want to quickly rekindle everything and make it work out. But I’m not happy, and I know I’m hurting her by being so unsure whether to stay and make things work, or leave and not look back.
I have never hit my g/f or called her mean names, but I fear I have made her feel small by not being on the same page as her in regard to being in love with each other. I have good intentions, but I feel that my actions of constant staying and leaving contradicts everything. I miss her every time we’re apart, and I love to talk to her, but I’m not in love with her, and I can feel that.
I recently started counseling for myself, but I don’t think I should be in a relationship while I figure this out, and I know I can’t ask her to wait for me to get better. So my question is how do you find the courage to leave and stay away so that you can no longer be the toxic person in their life? More importantly, how do you do this without breaking their heart, and their confidence in themselves? She has such great qualities about herself that she doesn’t realize, and I’m afraid she’s going to blame herself for everything and depreciate her self-value if I leave.
Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.
Wow, why haven’t i read this earlier. This is amazing work and writing!!!!
Thanks Magz.
I’ve been with this girl for 5 and a half months now and she is my first. During our first month she was cheating on me with her friend and I found out about it on our 2nd month and forgave her but the pain can still be felt. She told me that she would tell me this when we’re engaged which is quite ridiculous as to why wait that long for me. About 2 weeks before my B-day she wasn’t able to see me for 1 week and started kikking this guy and flirting with him and they’re sending pics back and forth and I found this out because she was kiking me and it felt weird and I checked her phone when she lend it to me and there it was the kik of the guy she was flirting with and both she said she promised to never ever do it again yet I don’t know anymore as to what to do, I forgave her for both yet the pain is still here, I can feel how I’m not enough, not good enough, how useless I am as a guy. I did as much as my body can do, from cooking food for her and bringing it to her in my room when she does come over, setting up dates and making sure it’s what mostly would make her enjoy her day and it makes me happy to see her like that, to taking in harsh words she can give to me when she gets frustrated and mad at times, she hates it when I check her phone from time to time after the things she did and says that she promised already so there’s no reason in her eyes as to why I should check. I don’t know what to do, it’s my first love and I don’t wanna let go but if I have to then it’s inevitable.
I have been in a relationship with my partner going on 4 years.in the beginning I knew she was broken..she was very sweet and considerate but she has a vicious temper..I found myself being assaulted a few times in the beginning once in from of her family…blood was everywhere..the verbal and mental abuse was worse
.my son would wittness arguments sometimes..I stayed..I stayed because it didbt happen everyday and I knew she hated herself afterwards about 2 years into the relationship I noticed EMENSE change
..she barely argues she will walk away first she is more considerate etc…but recently a I was in a bind financially her biggest issue with me is money and I recently landed a good job but i hadn’t gotten paid and I reached out to an old guy friend who stays stares away for some help….it was innocent it was for me and my child to have a means to get to work and school. She didn’t have it and neither did the family members I asked have it. Long story short. I had living room furniture when I first moved into my place..when she left here she have me hers because mine was a little worn..and she had no room in storage her sister helped with the tables…I come home to all of my furniture thrown on the side of the road…my work bag was missing..my makup missing…my bedroom vandalised..I know that I made a mistake but I think that was a but extreme she beat the life out of me in the past and I would ignore her but not tear up her things. I want to take a break because I have been in a financial hole..and I need to find myself altogether I don’t want to have to ask anyone for anything and I want to get myself together alone and it’s hard…I have apologized so has she but I’m torn…when in with her I’m conflicted and when she is gone I miss her…idk what to do
Love does not inflict physical pain or hurtful words. End of story. Don’t allow a child to see these actions portrayed as “LOVE”. If you can’t find the strength to get out for your own self respect do it for the child.
LRocks
When I read the this article, I feel like I’m the toxic one. I feel like it’s me who’s trying to get things back the way they were.
But when I read other articles here that identify toxic behaviour, I see some of me, but more of her.
Still confused! 😛
Chris we can all do some of these things, some of the time. Sometimes the combination of two people is more the problem than either one of you individually.
This is so beautifully written. My husband and I have struggled to cope with my toxic in-laws. We have tried and tried to implement boundaries and explain our choices when they are relentlessly critiqued. We struggled to find the right words to help them understand but now we are finally understanding that the right words are irrelevant if they aren’t willing to listen. I carry a lot of guilt about this situation. My husband is more used to their games but it wreaks havoc on my mental health so he and I are trying to find a balance that works for us individually and together. I restrict my time with them to major holidays while he supplements with a few additional lunches interspersed throughout the year. I want to have a baseline of a relationship with them to support my husband and children having a relationship with my in-laws as along as they find it beneficial. It’s not perfect but I’m hoping this is closer to a situation that works for our family. I feel extremely guilty about implementing these boundaries and choices. I beat myself up about not playing my part in the charade that they try and put up for the world. They are making choices too, and I can only hold myself accountable for my own part of this situation. I’m trying to make my peace with this. Thank you, thank you, thank you for helping me feel strong and empowered in these choices.
Just cut ties witb a friend of 32 years. Hadnt seen him in 4 yrs. His life is a horrorshow of six-figure debt, underachieving, broken relationships. Lately he has become a snob…a liar… a con man. He’s been living off a very well-off older woman. She kicked him out. He had no place to live. He is a smooth talker so my wife and I believed his tale of woe and opened our home to him for a week. It was the absolute worst decision we have made. He walked around like he owned the place, kept giving this stupid meaningless life advice, said and did insulting things…. I could go on…. it was the week from hell.
The comments the author made that most resonated with my situation were:
This toxic friend wants to keep me in the box he knows me to inhabit. We grew up together. His family ultra wealthy. Mine normal middle class. Fast forward from the mid 80s now we both have graduate degrees and jobs but I own my company I built brick by brick. I have a gorgeous wife with a Phd. We own a modest but cute home. No debt. Savings. Things on a major upswing. We worked our ASSES off to get to where we are. He has no home, a mid-level admin job he hates (says its “beneath”) him, has no significant other. In fact he’s proposed to 4 women and all the proposals have come to naught and at nearly 40 years old he still carries his mother’s credit card for “emergencies”.
The box he wants me in is that of the insecure blue collar kid who worshipped him because his family was such a big deal. Well his family has had a massive fall from grace and while I sympathize with their pain their own greed and egos are at the center.
The other point was control. EVERYTHING he did in my house was some form of attempt at control. He took a suitcase out of our closet without asking. Had to get that back. I asked him a question while he was texting and he held his finger up in my face as if saying “my text is more important”.
There is a litany of other demeaning things…
The experience has left me deflated sad angry hurt confused…. but also free.
He was the last connection I had to a group of people I grew up with who were all (and still are) toxic as hell.
He texted me this morning acting like nothing has happened.
He wants my submission…. to text back…. to say hey man! Did you have a nice time? Hows things?
Well Im not gonna do that.
I am going to lay back and be silent. If his growth and healing catches up to mine and he makes honest amends in the future then we’ll see if we continue.
If not then 32 years of friendship has come to an end.
All things for the highest good for all.
I chose to have an affair and ended up in a toxic relationship. Thinking about it now, all the signs were there from the beginning but I chose to ignore it. I focused on the loving, positive things he said and excused away the negative. (Probably due to the fact I so needed to feel loved and important.) Eventually his behavior and control got unbearable and I ended up having to get law enforcement involved. My heart is breaking over my decisions and the fact that I still care for this man and feel empathy for him because I know he has mental health issues. I am having a very difficult time dealing with all this but I know I have no one to blame but myself, which makes me feel even worse. The only advice I can give anyone is if it doesn’t feel quite right step away and don’t look back. Time makes it more difficult to walk away.
To be honest I’ve never been in a situation like this. This lady and I dated for 7 months until she dumps me out of the blue and 2 weeks later she’s with some other guy… Now they’ve split and we are talking again. We had a rocky relationship but we were definitely in love. She says she still loves me but doesn’t know what she wants and needs to work on herself before she can jump back into things with me. I feel like this is all an excuse to keep me attached to her. I understand people need time but how long is long enough? If I do the slightest thing wrong she blows up on me … Telling me shell never talk to me again or that’s none of my business… I don’t know what to do usually I can recognize a bad situation but this one is different I just can’t shake her. How Long is long enough?
Lee it’s long enough when you’ve felt enough pain. This will be different for everyone.
Thanks for the article, I have been in a relationship for 10 years and would have thought I would be married or engaged by now. I feel like we have lost respect for eachother in the way we talk a lot of the times, it feels hurtful. I feel I’m not the story person I used to be because the old me wouldn’t have tolerated this.
You hit the nail on the head, Tanya. This is what I’m going through exactly. I figure that if we are searching the web for articles like this, we are at least starting to take action.:-)
“It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.”
This hit the nail on the head. Its a shame these types of people lost a lot of themselves due to a breakdown in their lives somewhere/sometime only to wreck theirs and the lives of others. This article is a lifeline for my recovery. Nothing physical, just very controlling, the hidden lies, the disrespect and zero compassion. I can go on and on.
Thank you for a vision forward
Mike
You’re so welcome Mike. Sometimes the non-physical things can be every bit as damaging as the physical. I’m pleased this has helped. Keep moving forward.
Dear Friends,
I am in my apartment now for 2 months. She moved into a smaller home in a nice neighborhood. The grandson, living with us for 4 years, has his high school friends there too. It is brand new and I have been helping hang mirrors, towel racks etc. Mowed the lawn and helping where I can when asked.
This morning I called to say that I will pick up the grandson and take him to school to give her a break. She was upset because if I am not coming back to her she does not want me to be nice. Somehow, because I do not want be a husband, she states I am leaving the family and I am not a part of my children’s and grandchildren’s lives anymore. That if I do not plan on living with her I am to be mean and nasty. I want us to go to couples counseling to heal and work together. She sees no reason if my purpose is not to “heal” and return to her. Its like I joined the mafia when I married her. Its all or nothing. I want to stay in my oldest grandson’s life as I am the only stable male figure for this 14 year old boy.
I am hoping that being in counseling with her will help the transition but I doubt it. Interesting enough she apparently has been reading and portrays me as the toxic controlling person.
She is 100% manipulating you. She is feeding her own self serving needs with no regard for yours and this is where the problem lies. Distance yourself from her. She cannot continue to manipulate if you are not there. Tell her that you plan on seeing your grandson on your terms and then take him away from the house for visits. Her behavior is going to drive you nuts. Also, tune in if you can to Alanya:fix my life. Facebook..and she has a show as well. Shes terrific and I have been following her. Shes an expert in the behaviors patterns of abusers and more. As long as you keep responding to her, she wont stop. Set loving boundaries and distance.
Julie,
I thank you for your reply. I feel like a nut case constantly doubting myself and saying the same things over and over. Despite being in counseling for myself this site is a god send to finally seeing the light. Thank you Karen and Julie and all who lend their support. Because of all who understand that caring for oneself and growing emotionally is ok I will finally be living the life I imagined. After 44 years between 2 marriages I am done negotiating my life away to others. It is so hard to explain to another when a man is the one that suffered abuse. Funny I was a tough farm kid that left to practice medicine. Behind closed doors a manipulated whimp for “love”.
Well, life does not end until we are dead. So it is never to let to find the joy in life. Thanks again.
i have just left this man after almost two years of on and off.
he came from a marriage and has a child and i accepted all of that but he had so many issues and insecurities from that breakdown and if we fought he would shut down and stop talking to me. I always was the one to go back and talk to him, and if we broke it off and I would be moving on he would come back into my life and try to make it work. I love him and would still do anything for him and he knows that. The worst was after 7 months of a solid relationship he just broke up with me for no reason, he never tried to talk to me after or let me know if it was me or him, then finally i spoke to him 4 weeks later and he told me he had a breakdown and that he still cares, so we agreed to try again. But at this point my family and friends were upset with me as they have seen me go through good times with him then after two days i decided its not going to change and it never will. It hurts because I want him to open up to me and I want to help him through this but this isnt my job yes i can help him through it but he needs to do this for himself and not just because it will ‘fix our relationship’. I am still upset and feeling guilt for not wanting to try again but despite my love i dont think it will ever work. The hardest part is he finally called me and said hes sorry for everything and he relises how much pain he caused me and that he will seek help but if I would be willing to try again when he was ready, I said no and that was so hard because I still feel we have a strong and special connection and all I want is for it to work out…. but long term i dont think it will or I am trying to tell myself that to stay strong about my decision
I have been in a toxif relationship for almost 5yrs. We have and 8 month old and I want things to work between us, but ithe feels one sided. There has been red flags that I chose to ignore such as in the beginning of out relationship he was on dating sites, then I would find numbers, then progressed to Craigslist and now to having another phone prepaid. He always makes up excuses or apologizea for his wrong doings and it won’t happen agian and he doesn’t know why he does stupid things or I am too insecure. He is quick to walk away and pack his stuff up and leave. I have never loved anyone the way I loved him and I beat myself up for not being the woman that he loves that he wouldn’t do things to jeopardize us. I am lost at this point. I don’t want to give up but I deserve better. I know I am not perfect but I do not know how to make this work anymore.
I’m in the same boat as you
I am in the same type of toxic relationship, I want to make it work because when it’s good it’s really good but that isn’t very often anymore. I know what should be done, I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it. My girlfriend is always telling me she doesn’t feel good and she has a bad feeling that she is going to die soon…how do you break up with that? What if she really is sick?
I would like to tell you how much I appreciate this and the other articles on this website. I have been in a toxic relationship for years now. I would like to believe it has not always been that way when we started out the relationship was great we have so much in common and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Looking back at the first couple of years there were underlying symptoms of toxic relationship a little of “the controller” starting relationship I wanted to her be happy and changed for her and “the attention seeker” at first it was spending time with her but now is to the point where I stopped doing anything with family and friends or going out all together without her. This is embedded in me now that even if the company sent me to another location I feel guilty going out to lunch with co-workers. To regress I did not see these and figured it was the part of being in committed relationship we are supposed to give and take on both sides. I give a little more but that is being a provider. We courted like this for two years then I proposed to her which went well for a short time. Talked about the wedding and then things started falling apart, she is a widow and lives off her deceased husbands stipend, when she found out there was a clause that is she remarries she looses the money she turned. I told her I want to be married even though we would have to cut back on material things. She quipped I cannot do that, which I should have called everything off at that time. In doing research found there was time limit and after that time she would be entitled to receive payments for the rest of her life so we decided to wait. Now is when the manipulation and guilt increases. Since that agreement any argument has her saying “you never wanted to marry me!” or “If you had a better job we could …!” I’m not the wealthiest person and she does not work though we can survive on what I make just not the life style she wants. To make matters worse is in my heart I was raised with Christian values and living like this is against my belief, hers too which she also uses against me. To move on with story a year after I found out that she was unfaithful I do not know to what extent but know they planned to meet after talking with each other for a few months. She tells me they never met and does not admit to doing anything wrong, just that it was mistake (though I feel in her words that I found out) and she was planning on leaving me. (looking back I wish that would have happened, but know now it would not as she is too attached to monetary things) After talking about us, since any conversation about the other guy ended with her saying I do not want talk about it, we decided to move on and work this out though my heart is more callouses and I have never felt the same though still do everything for her. She has not done anything for me on birthdays, Christmas, other holidays for the last 5 years but if I do not get her at least a new phone, tablet, jewelry, car, or other gifts I hear about how much I do not love her and how I cannot provide for her even though I gave smaller cost items. She has become more of the “the manipulator” If I talk to her she is always defensive, the article I had that exact conversation multiple times. She is “Absent” she has family in a foreign country and when we are apart I will call to she how she is doing or send a message she will only respond when she wants me send money or buy a gift for her family. She tells me how much her deceased husband did for her bought her family everything and how I do not do that. Though she also tells me they lived on food stamps and see showed me the one bedroom house they lived. She asks me about insurance and my will. I see she lies to her family, I do not have dreams anymore because it is why waste my time and money. I feel my heart which is already in corset is being squeezed more to the point I end up in the emergency room with anxiety 6 times now. I have had many stress tests and wore heart monitors for a few months because doctors thought my heart was bad, and I was still so blinded I did not see the anxiety first 5 times. Further is because of being in this relationship I have become “the controller” due to her “the cheater” I have traits of “the jealous one” and she has talked to other guys and if I ask her about her day I know if she talked to one of the guys by her tone, oh you are accusing me of ”x”. Which is not healthy. I have tried to leave her a few time and each time I have mixed emotions part of me wants to hold on tight the other part wants to run. My psychologist says I need to leave, just cold turkey lock the doors, no social media, block numbers this and I tried but after a couple of days pleaded her to forgive me. As mentioned the heart going through barred wire. My parents are disappointed in me that give her another chance, my neighbors say how many chances does a person get. Christian values instilled in me says I do not give up on anyone. One pastor I talked to says I need to leave and showed passages that allows to give up and see this is killing me. Another pastor tells me I need to work things out and all things will work. All I know is that I’m happy with her for short times, I know she uses me for support, I know she was abused as a child and has trust issues, I know her deceased husband hit and abused her. I know she grew up poor and did not have food most days and begged on the streets. I feel like I’m abusing her by “The controller, jealous one” but I have been hurt so long and caused trust issues and she continues to play with emotions. I’m so tired and miserable most of the time. My work is suffering because of the emotional stress, I try to talk to her about my feelings but it never goes anywhere due to “Manipulator” tactics. I’m in limbo between what I realize I need to do and what my emotions want. Thank you for the articles they tell me the same my psychologist mentioned that I know but do not want to accept.
Finally have been out of may relationship for over a month, It took a lot to get me this far. I know I can never see her again she has too much control on my mind. What finally helped me is reconnecting to friends I had before I met her. Also found out she was indeed cheating on me and had me so convinced I was just jealous. The toxic environment was branched out more than just her, her family, friends, church members, various random people. Everywhere I turned for help they had me convinced I was the crazy one. It actually took video evidence of infidelity before I could break free even then I doubted myself because she said she loved me and it was just a one time mistake. 9 years of my life gone with this person, but luckily no more years going to be spent. My health is regaining and starting to find myself again. My psychologist asked what I enjoyed doing and I said i do not know I have done everything she wanted for the last 8 years. This toxic person is still a drug for me she called and like a trained dog I stopped and did what she asked, luckily my friend was with me and stopped me from doing anything too dumb, he just looked at me later and said for that hour after i heard her voice i was a different person he could not talk to me, he could not add reason, i defended her to the bone. Even though I heard him talking to me I could not stop myself. I do not remember who I was. Now I am starting to do things I enjoy though worry about my trust issues for the rest of my life. slowly getting out into the world. It is going to take a while and just over a month now, have the numbers blocked and moving on… my Psychologist says it will most likely be 8 months to few years until I can be back in a relationship even then it will be hard.
A friend and I have been really close for about a decade. About half a decade ago he was betrayed by his family, denied his birth right and screwed over in a major way. This stirred up tremendous hurt and anger in him, justifiably so.
I’ve tried to be there for him as best I can. Listening as much as he wanted/needed to talk and being supportive. I tried to offer honest input when I thought it was needed, but he was Not receptive to that and practically seemed ready to end the friendship for gently encouraging him to see another persons perspective.
He doesn’t really talk about the family betrayal any more. Just says “It is what it is”. Though I don’t think that he’s actually worked through all of the emotions that go with it.
Over the last few years, I’ve sensed a decrease in respect, kindness and compassion towards me. I try to be very patient, as he’s been through a lot, and has a lot bottled up inside that he just doesn’t know how to deal with (yes, I’ve suggested counseling, but he nixed it, in part because he travels a Lot for work), but the disrespect and taking me for granted is really starting to wear at me.
He is truly the most stubborn person that I know. Very set in his ways. One of his traits is that when he gets upset with me, he stops talking to me. Just shuts me out. Won’t answer calls, texts, etc. Eventually, he’ll answer a text the day After I send it. When this used to happen, after a week or so we’d talk and he’d tell me ‘I was upset because you didn’t tell me this, or that’ generally something minor and very improperly diagnosed. I apologize, explain my perspective, get the impression that he doesn’t believe me, but we move on.
About a year ago he just stopped talking to me. This went on for NINE MONTHS. Every once in a while he’d respond to a text, but that was about it. He also declined a friend request on Facebook and unfriended me on another account there (He’s got about 4 facebook accounts for all of the games he plays). I have abandonment issues (something that I just realized fairly recently) and was deeply hurt. After those nine months, he finally calls, admits he was wrong, we talk a bit and move on.
We all have our baggage and I’m no exception. And I now have baggage specifically regarding him. We still haven’t/hadn’t worked through MY issues of feeling disrespected and taken for granted, etc, but I figured…when the time is right.
He’s not speaking to me again and has now unfriended me from all of his facebook accounts. He’s got a lot of insecurities, which I can understand, considering what he’s been through.
However, he hasn’t been treating me well for a long time. He’s got ego issues and everything is about Him.
This is the most volatile political season that I’ve ever experienced. He and I are on opposite ends of it. I refuse to talk to him about it any more, as it goes nowhere productive, but once in a while he needs to rant and I let him. He gets upset when someone gives different views than him and goes off, and says he has the right to express his views too…though he gets mad at others views. He has a lot of double standards, I guess. 🙂
Anyways, I care about him a lot and would like to help him heal (multiple people have mentioned how he’s changed. Used to be all peace loving, now much more angry rants), however, I’ve been sacrificing Myself in my efforts to be there for him. I Know that I deserve better. And allowing him to treat me this way isn’t genuinely helpful for Anyone.
My question: HOW do I release myself from this disrespected, unappreciated torture?
And while I really like the idea of keeping the door open, HOW do I let him know…write him and tell him that I’m stepping back for my own sanity, but that the door is always open for him?
So, how do I heal my heart?
And how do I clear that doorway, while letting him know that I’ll keep it open?
Thank you!! 🙂
Hi Friend Who’s Hurting, I am in the exact same situation! Or at least I was, until I listened to a very wise friend who said ‘if there is nothing that can be done then please, do nothing!’ So I did nothing and by doing nothing I was able to fully let go, pure and simple. I cannot change the way my friend behaves any more than I can change the colour of the sky. It is up to him to see the faults and make the change but until then, I’m doing nothing! I could no longer stand by and allow him the opportunity to hurt me anymore. By stepping back I have come to the realisation that I was not respecting myself or him to put it another way, by continuing to contact him or even think of him I was enabling the toxic relationship to continue. I am afraid to say the only way you will be able to heal your heart is to let go. That doesn’t mean you’ve closed the door or no longer love your friend, I am sure like me, you will always love your friend and please do that, send him love every time you think of him.
But to heal your heart you need to nourish yourself and replace the toxic relationship with a really healthy one, the one with yourself. Really really love yourself, be your best friend!
I can recommend Louise Hay, she helped me through this awful time, I had to learn to love and respect myself before I could really let go. I was taught along the way that when you learn to love and respect yourself, you yourself will change and the toxic people in your life will either change too or they will leave your life. Everyone in your life is your teacher and your friend is here to teach you a lesson. My friend has taught me how to love myself, that is the lesson I gained from him. A HUGE one and I predict your friend is here to teach you a big one too, especially given how much you hurt.
I hope that this helps. If it helps to know too, my friend didn’t leave my life but I don’t see him as much as I used to. He changed, for the better, he is still healing but has made massive positive changes that I know will benefit him in the future and who knows, once he is truly healed we may pick up again where we left off but this time our relationship will have a better foundation and rather than toxic it will be nourishing. I wish you peace and love, namaste. ps you may also like this poem, it helped me to let go too… all the very best, take care
SHE LET GO by Rev Safire Rose
She let go.
Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of fear. She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming
around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely,
without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her day-timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyse whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
great article, I should make this text into a poster.
“Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships. What you need to know is this: When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.”
many thanks from the SF Bay Area
I needed this.
Feel like a wounded bird right now.
Toxic behavior comes over like warm water, its hard to spot at first but over time, its very apparent.
For me it took 20 breakups and finally I get it now.
Must I always learn the hard way, the expensive way.
yikes
So pleased it was helpful for you Scott. Love your warm water metaphor – that’s exactly what toxic behavior is like. Keep moving forward.
I have been with a toxic man for almost a year. While I know I love him and he loves me, he is definitely a borderline personality disorder type.. very toxic! He is charming, complimentary and promises to make all my dreams come true. We are incredibly compatible and we have exceptional chemistry. We are just fine until he decides he wants to go out with his friends and drink excessively (pubs in London). He wants to marry me, but rages when I express my concern at his drinking or disappearing, making me feel very uncomfortable. Of course everything is always my fault.. he tries to say I am insecure and jealous.. truthfully he is far more jealous and insecure. Controlling doesn’t begin to describe it.. he has a double standard.. he can do as he pleases.. I need to stay home and away from any social engagements or other men. He is educated, successful, very interesting & engaging.. but his emotional issues make it impossible to have a balanced, stable relationship. I need to take care of myself and realize it’s better to be alone and have peace, than settle for a toxic, dysfunctional relationship.
Thanks for the great article..
Karen you are absolutely right. In your heart you have all of the answers you need. What’s important is to listen. You are whole on your own and you don’t need anybody to complete you. The relationship you open yourself up to should add love, nurturing, fun, and warmth to your life – not worry, isolation, insecurity or jealousy. This sort of relationship is unsustainable. We can all put our own needs on hold indefinitely, but there will always be a great cost to this. That cost will come in the way of happiness, and the love that will be beautifully nourishing and healthy for you.
So I’ve been in a relationship for 6months and it’s been rocky . He tellers me he loves me reassures me we are together but he still post pictures of this one female and it’s not just any pictures and it’s multiple pictures .they look as if they are a couple . He tells me it’s just a friend he promised. But he hasn’t posted any pictures of me at all . Should I break it off ? Be concerned ? Am I’m over reacting ?
Shay, if something doesn’t feel right for you, then it’s not right for you. The points you make are very valid and don’t sound like an over-reaction to me. It is completely okay for your boyfriend to have female friends, but it is reasonable for you to ask that he also publicly acknowledge your relationship. Decide what you need from him moving forward and ask him for it. If he isn’t prepared to give you the things that are reasonable and important, that is something for you to listen to.
Hi Shay,
I have the same problem as you, and I am really suffocating now but I do feel I still love him. I need to get out of this relationship in order not to be confused and manipulated, is really toxic for him to control my life and the same goes for you. It hurts like hell for sure but is for the better, most definitely will be, just need to give time , time.
What if the guy you love is determined to help you grow, but sometimes it’s really painful because he points out your flaws in a really abrupt way.
Sarah it’s only helpful if it feels helpful. Talk to your man and let him know that you’re really open to what he thinks, but it would mean a lot more if he could be gentle about it. Feedback should never feel shaming.
I’m actually feeling bad right now trying to leave a relationship that I know isn’t right. In a sense I’ve been away from physcially for 3 months now but that is because he told me to leave his house. He say he didn’t mean it, but I even stuck around for an extra day in the city at a friends house to see if he would talk it out. He didn’t. He waited til I left and went back home to family. We’ve still talked since on the phone and he wants me to come back acting like I just left on my own and he had no parts in it. It’s like he only misses me when I’m not there. When I was there he showered me with gifts and things, but it never felt special. Honestly I always thought he had been up to something because he gave a lot, yet he was so cold when I greet him at the door. I did all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, ironing his work clothes and it was a lot. I paid the small bills and I wasn’t even working. Maybe I’m reading too deep into it, but its pathetic to ask a woman to pay this and that and she’s not working. I had a job, my own place in a previous state, but he wanted me to move with him. I told him it will probably take at least 2 to 3 months before I find a job as I know how times are these days. But after a month he started asking me to pay this and that. All of my savings went into paying bills in the house, stocking the house up and I paid for everything when we went out for a night. Even that he only took me out twice in the 3 months I lived with him. Always had an excuse as to why we couldn’t go out even on his off days. He went to the mall and stores without me when he would leave work before coming home. I didn’t have a car and I don’t expect a handout, but I told him before leaving my job that moving with him wasn’t a good idea. Stupid, I let him talk me into it as he said if I love him I would. I felt sheltered to be honest. And whenever he got mad he would attack my character and disrespect me. Always found ways to make comments about my body or my career or whatever low blow he could find. I don’t think that is love just like him even texting me to leave his house. He said he didn’t mean it but if you put it in words it makes me wonder how long you’ve been waiting to say this. I just don’t know if I’m the crazy one or him. Every other day I learn something new about him, a new cell phone that he claimed I always knew about, he has told me 4 different stories about his child’s mother and his life, he even told me he was stuck behind a door one day at work when I was calling for hours and he didn’t answer. Something in me told me that it was a lie because a month earlier he claim he got stuck in the elevator and that was also while I was calling and for hours. Is it really wrong for me to choose my new found peace of mind over old overdue toxic relationship? Yet still, when he ask when I’m coming back, I don’t know how to say that I’m not. Maybe I feel guilty. Maybe I could’ve tried much harder to find work and he wouldn’t attack my character. Maybe I wasn’t enough. I just wish I had an answer for the both of us, but I don’t. I’m thinking about just going back and give it another shot, but I know it will be stupid. I don’t know anymore. I’m lost.
Nancy listen to your heart on this. You already know the answers.
I think he’s leading two separate lives if there wasn’t anything to hide why two phones, too many lies. Build yourself up good luck x
Sweetie, your much too good for this guy I sound to me he’s controlling and it’s not about you at all. He’s not a real man.he should be greatful that you care enough to up root and come to him.ask yourself this what have he done for You lately? And what man would put down a person they love.stay away from him if you go back he knows he can have you anyway he want and it’s not going to get any better only more pain.
(I am a woman btw) I started dating a woman 2 years ago. From the beginning she seemed different but at first a good different. Shortly within 3 months of getting to know her, she started acting extremely jealous of everybody, I even allowed her to talk me into getting rid of good friends because they were female and she was jealous. Shortly afterwards she starting trying to control everything I did, where I went, what I did etc. We fought because I am not the controlled type. She told me we needed therapy, within the first 6 months of our relationship so I finally decided to try. I really wanted it to work. There were things she would give me that no other person had at first, but then things she would take away the other things that made me feel good about myself. Almost like I couldn’t do anything without her approval. Therapy wasnt helping bc the therapist would almost assuredly say nearly everything we had problems with stemmed from her (without actually saying that). She never worked on herself but expected me to just keep bending to these ridiculous requests. She downplays everything I say, never supports me and treats me like im dumb though Im well educated. I know standardly people do that when they feel threatened when they feel less about themselves. I just cannot take it anymore. It feels hopeless and I dont even care about staying in this anymore. So why do I feel hurt, sad, lonely? I mean shouldnt i feel relieved and glad to have gotten out of it, and appreciative that I can make it out alive. She keeps manipulating me now that im trying to leave. Idk what to do anymore. I am just over it. She has beat me down so much i cant take it anymore.
Chrystal remember the person you were before you came into this relationship. That will be your anchor. It sounds as though you have worked hard to make this relationship work, but it’s still leaving you miserable. Nobody can make relationship work by themselves. It takes love, nurturing and support from both sides. It’s not surprising that she wants you to stay – you sound as though you are a giver – but it doesn’t mean that you should.
You sound strong, intelligent, generous and open-hearted. You also sound very clear. I know you say that you don’t know what to do anymore, but to me, it sounds as though you absolutely know what to do. Listen to that. You already have the answers inside you and as scary and as daunting as change can be, it can also be life-giving.
Just come out of a 7 month toxic relationship myself, I fought so hard to make it work, put my heart and soul into it as I really loved that woman and wanted to spend my life with her. But sadly, nothing I did was good enough. The highs were always followed by crushing lows. It would have always been a yo yo relationship.
Highly intelligent she would twist and manipulate everything I said to make me feel worthless. I couldn’t talk to her without fear of this shit kicking off again.
Emotionally spent I resigned myself that this was never ever gonna work, never resolve itself unless I had the courage and conviction to stand up and walk away.
I ended it last night… incredibly difficult and sad.
Sounds as though you have acted with great strength and self-respect. Letting go of relationships is always difficult, even the bad ones. Keep moving forward. There are better things for you.
OM Goodness!!! I am married to a pastor, whom I thought would know about love and marriage. Looking back, I know…I know…hindsight is 20/20—- I see the error of my ways. He showed me who he was (toxic) from the beginning AND I CHOSE to believe that a pastor would KNOW about love and commitment! This article is so spot on!!!!! He was a man BEFORE he became a pastor! This article reads like the author is actually inside of my marriage! Before I married him and even while we’re married people talk so highly of him. People love him, which causes me to blame myself for the demise of our marriage. He sings praises about how he loves his me to everyone. After the first year of marriage he put me out and filed for divorce… and couldn’t give me a reason why he wanted the divorce. He then rescinded the divorce and I immediately restored him WITHOUT seeing any changes! My spirit has been vexed about our relationship for a long time, I feel little and unimportant, and I know that by reconciling I am signing my own emotional death warrant. Thank you for giving me the impetus to leave and begin to heal. Thank you for validation! I am not crazy. THANK YOU!
You are certainly NOT crazy! You sound very clear and very strong. Honour your truth. You deserve to be happy.
Hello, I am currently in the process of coming out of a toxic relationship.. I really loved and still love this woman, In the past because of her placing her hands on me I put a restraining order on her. She tried to take her life after and I dropped the order to be by herside because I was her POA and her family was also very toxic and was not in her life. She promised to go to therapy and to take her meds as prescribed. She was doing really well until she dropped the meds altogether and continued her ways,. Nothing I ever did was ever good enough. I took care of her and her children. I have custody of both of my sons who are teenagers and she shares 50/50 custody with her 5 and now 9 years old children. She is very verbally abusive. Purposely argues about my children out loud so that they can here she is talking about them. Recently she had one of her moments and I had to take out another order of protection against her to protect myself and my sons from her verbal abuse. She was also planning on beating me to the punch to have me removed. The very same day she was removed she went out to a night club. She knew she could not be around flashing lights or alcohol especially when stressed due to a weird seizure disorder she has. She ended up in the hospital and had to be intubated. She was in there for 10 days. As hard as it was I had to keep my distance. Every day that passes even now my stomach is in knots and I have a heavy feeling over my heart. We talked to each other the other day. She knows I love her and she swears she loves me. I was engaged to this woman. She was my everything although she never showed that I was to her. She says she can’t live without me. That her health is deteriorating because of me not being with her. It hurts real bad…As I am typing this I am in tears.. I don’t know what I should do or the right thing to do.. I don’t know if this is real or her manipulating me in an attempt to get back..She has caused severe friction within the family. My family does not want me with her.. But my heart hurts to the core. I can not eat, sleep, or even think straight. I know raising a family with two people bringing children into the picture is not easy… But I know I tried. She always made it seem as if I didn’t no matter what I spent, did, etc…I am torn down to my knees. I find myself staring at walls all day. I am 35, strong on the outside but when it comes to matters of the heart I am weak…. I love her God knows I do even as I shout in anger towards him for my life being the way that it is…. I’m lost and we have court next week..I don’t know what to do……….
Phil this sounds like a chaotic relationship – abuse, court appearances, restraining orders. Is this the environment you want for yourself and your children? Sometimes love isn’t enough and sometimes, it feels like love because we want so much for it to be that. Sometimes, it’s the combination of two good people that is so explosive and volatile. Loving each other doesn’t always mean you are good for each other.
ok I am back again…time has passed and I still have mixed emotions. During this time I found out she was cheating on me. I feel terrible. She swears up and down that she didnt. I met with her to talk and we ended up getting a room. Even though I was in pain emotionally we still had angry, and passionate sex. I was comfortable laying with her but all the while I could not remove the betrayal and what had let us to this break up. I know I have to continue to push forward. I just do not know how I can remove this person from my mind. Why after all the damage this person had caused can I not fully rid myself of the love I have. The thought of seeing her with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach. Is this normal?
Your articles are so clear and thorough. Enjoying them very much. Also, I love reading all the comments & my heart goes out to each of you. It is one of the hardest things to live through. It truly is, but they will destroy us if we stay.
Four years ago I got out of a toxic relationship & didn’t even entertain the thought of a man until recently. I never thought it would be possible for me to fall for it again, and I am a senior, which has made it harder for me to accept (How long will it take me to learn?). The newer relationship has been long distance for the most part. We talked on the phone for hours upon hours and, I fell deeply in love with the man he presented himself to be. I don’t believe I ever felt such love. But, there were the red flags and I ignored them. But because I had done so much research & support groups, etc., I couldn’t help but to be diligently watching for further signs, which there were-many. It is crazy how well they are able to suck us in so thoroughly before begining the cycle of abuse. Even more puzzling is how we allow ourselves to ignore & rationalize and question our own knowledge, especially having been here before. Mind boggling. But they are different people with different styles, however, with the same ultimate goal in mind power & control. The last guy promised me the world & this guy showered me with the illusion of deep love. Anyway, he did it! After demeaning me, then, if I got upset, it was my insecurities & no other woman he had ever been with had gotten upset about these things, he left me craving that person who was so incredibly loving, brilliant & tender . He had a harem of female friends and no close relationships with males. He would, oh so subtly, insert into a conversation very ridiculous comments that never seemed to fit. He would tell me things like, “Well, she is a soulmate & you have the potential to be there someday.” When I responded by saying that was a hurtful thing to say, he says, “I would think you’d be excited about that.” Then he would go on & on about how I was so insecure and normal people don’t get upset about these things. He’d be holding me tight in bed & tell me about a sexual conversation he had with one of his female friends. It goes on & on. But the thing that was the most telling for me was how he would show absolutely no interest in anything that would be considered something I was proud of or maybe had a talent in. I once showed him a sketch I did. It got barely a quick glance, then totally ignoreed as if I never showed him. He couldn’t allow me to have something that might be a talent. That would mean taking the risk of me feeling good about myself. He was so jealous of anything positive about me.
One thing that seems to be a fairly common theme with many of the comments I’ve seen is, “I still love him/her.” As much as I had fallen in love, it was an illusion and it simply wasn’t real. I have accepted that I was in love with a made up character, a fantasy. These toxic people are really not lovable. It doesn’t equate with what real love is or does. It just makes me sad to see the word love used here and for anyone to be stuck in believing this is what love looks like. It just doesn’t.
Nancy thank you so much for sharing your story and your insight here. The idea of ‘love’ can be so blinding can’t it – blinding enough to make the wanting of love, feel like love, even when it’s so far from anything like that. Clarity always seems to come eventually, along with the strength and courage to put things right.