If toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a high-powered warning and secure packaging to prevent any chance of accidental contact. Sadly, families are not immune to the poisonous lashings of a toxic relationship.
Though families and relationships can feel impossibly tough at times, they were never meant to ruin. All relationships have their flaws and none of them come packaged with the permanent glow of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven, and occasionally rehashed at strategic moments. For the most part though, they will feel nurturing and life-giving to be in. At the very least, they won’t hurt.
Why do toxic people do toxic things?
Toxic people thrive on control. Not the loving, healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – buckle your seatbelt, be kind, wear sunscreen – but the type that keeps people small and diminished.
Everything they do is to keep people small and manageable. This will play out through criticism, judgement, oppression – whatever it takes to keep someone in their place. The more you try to step out of ‘your place’, the more a toxic person will call on toxic behaviour to bring you back and squash you into the tiny box they believe you belong in.
It is likely that toxic people learned their behaviour during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behaviour of others or by being overpraised without being taught the key quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship there will be other qualities missing too, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behaviour is the lack of concern around their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see past their own needs and wants.
Toxic people have a way of choosing open, kind people with beautiful, lavish hearts because these are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to abandon.
Even the strongest people can find themselves in a toxic relationship but the longer they stay, the more they are likely to evolve into someone who is a smaller, less confident, more wounded version of the person they used to be.
Non-toxic people who stay in a toxic relationship will never stop trying to make the relationship better, and toxic people know this. They count on it. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he or she wants – control.
Toxic Families – A Special Kind of Toxic
Families are a witness to our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our frailties and flaws. All families come with lessons that we need to learn along the way to being a decent, thriving human. The lessons begin early and they don’t stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with an afterglow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful ones that shudder against our core.
Rather than being lessons on how to love and safely open up to the world, the lessons some families teach are about closing down, staying small and burying needs – but for every disempowering lesson, there is one of empowerment, strength and growth that exists with it. In toxic families, these are around how to walk away from the ones we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to let go of guilt and any fantasy that things could ever be different. And here’s the rub – the pain of a toxic relationship won’t soften until the lesson has been learned.
Love and loyalty don’t always exist together.
Love has a fierce way of keeping us tied to people who wound us. The problem with family is that we grow up in the fold, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works. We trust them, listen to them and absorb what they say. There would have been a time for all of us that regardless of how mind-blowingly destructive the messages from our family were, we would have received them all with a beautiful, wide-eyed innocence, grabbing every detail and letting them shape who we were growing up to be.
Our survival would have once depended on believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question that we might deserve better. The things we believe when we are young are powerful. They fix themselves upon us and they stay, at least until we realise one day how wrong and small-hearted those messages have been.
At some point, the environment changes – we grow up – but our beliefs don’t always change with it. We stop depending on our family for survival but we hang on to the belief that we have to stay connected and loyal, even though being with them hurts.
The obligation to love and stay loyal to a family member can be immense, but love and loyalty are two separate things and they don’t always belong together.
Loyalty can be a confusing, loaded term and is often the reason that people stay stuck in toxic relationships. What you need to know is this: When loyalty comes with a diminishing of the self, it’s not loyalty, it’s submission.
We stop having to answer to family when we become adults and capable of our own minds.
Why are toxic relationships so destructive?
In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it comes back. When what comes back is scrappy, stingy intent under the guise of love, it will eventually leave you small and depleted, which falls wildly, terrifyingly short of where anyone is meant to be.
Healthy people welcome the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a little to accommodate. When one person in a system changes, whether it’s a relationship of two or a family of many, it can be challenging. Even the strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and insecurity at times in response to somebody’s growth or happiness. We are all vulnerable to feeling the very normal, messy emotions that come with being human.
The difference is that healthy families and relationships will work through the tough stuff. Unhealthy ones will blame, manipulate and lie – whatever they have to do to return things to the way they’ve always been, with the toxic person in control.
Why a Toxic Relationship Will never change.
Reasonable people, however strong and independently minded they are, can easily be drawn into thinking that if they could find the switch, do less, do more, manage it, tweak it, that the relationship will be okay. The cold truth is that if anything was going to be different it would have happened by now.
Toxic people can change, but it’s highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone else does can change them. It is likely there will be broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them – but the carnage will always be explained away as someone else’s fault. There will be no remorse, regret or insight. What is more likely is that any broken relationship will amplify their toxic behaviour.
Why are toxic people so hard to leave?
If you try to leave a toxic person, things might get worse before they get better – but they will always get better. Always.
Few things will ramp up feelings of insecurity or a need for control more than when someone questions familiar, old behaviour, or tries to break away from old, established patterns in a relationship. For a person whose signature moves involve manipulation, lies, criticism or any other toxic behaviour, when something feels as though it’s changing, they will use even more of their typical toxic behaviour to bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that feels acceptable.
When things don’t seem to be working, people will always do more of what used to work, even if that behaviour is at the heart of the problem. It’s what we all do. If you are someone who is naturally open and giving, when things don’t feel right in a relationship you will likely give more of yourself, offer more support, be more loving, to get things back on track.
Breaking away from a toxic relationship can feel like tearing at barbed wire with bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, so for a while, you stop tearing, until you realise that it’s not the tearing that hurts, it’s the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear at it or not, it won’t stop cutting into you.
Think of it like this. Imagine that all relationships and families occupy a space. In healthy ones, the shape of that space will be fluid and open to change, with a lot of space for people to grow. People will move to accommodate the growth and flight of each other.
For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that shape is rigid and unyielding. There is no flexibility, no bending, and no room for growth. Everyone has a clearly defined space and for some, that space will be small and heavily boxed. When one person starts to break out of the shape, the whole family feels their own individual sections change. The shape might wobble and things might feel vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever it takes to restore the space to the way it was. Often, that will mean crumpling the ones who are changing so they fit their space again.
Sometimes out of a sense of love and terribly misplaced loyalty, people caught in a toxic relationship might sacrifice growth and change and step back into the rigid tiny space a toxic person manipulates them towards. It will be clear when this has happened because of the soul-sucking grief at being back there in the mess with people (or person) who feel so bad to be with.
But they do it because they love me. They said so.
Sometimes toxic people will hide behind the defence that they are doing what they do because they love you, or that what they do is ‘no big deal’ and that you’re the one causing the trouble because you’re just too sensitive, too serious, too – weak, stupid, useless, needy, insecure, jealous – too ‘whatever’ to get it. You will have heard the word plenty of times before.
The only truth you need to know is this: If it hurts, it’s hurtful. Fullstop.
Love never holds people back from growing. It doesn’t diminish, and it doesn’t contaminate. If someone loves you, it feels like love. It feels supportive and nurturing and life-giving. If it doesn’t do this, it’s not love. It’s self-serving crap designed to keep you tethered and bound to someone else’s idea of how you should be.
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but a healthy one is a tolerant, loving, accepting, responsive one.
The one truth that matters.
If it feels like growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. It might mean walking away from people you care about – parents, sisters, brothers, friends – but this can be done with love and the door left open for when they are able to meet you closer to your terms – ones that don’t break you.
Set the boundaries with grace and love and leave it to the toxic person to decide which side of that boundary they want to stand on. Boundaries aren’t about spite or manipulation and they don’t have to be about ending the relationship. They are something drawn in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the doorway is to you. If the relationship ends, it’s not because of your lack of love or loyalty, but because the toxic person chose not to treat you in the way you deserve. Their choice.
Though it is up to you to decide the conditions on which you will let someone close to you, whether or not somebody wants to be close to you enough to respect those conditions is up to them. The choice to trample over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. It doesn’t mean you are excluding them from your life.
Toxic people also have their conditions of relationship and though they might not be explicit, they are likely to include an expectation that you will tolerate ridicule, judgement, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. No relationship is worth that and it is always okay to say ‘no’ to anything that diminishes you.
The world and those who genuinely love you want you to be as whole as you can be. Sometimes choosing health and wholeness means stepping bravely away from that which would see your spirit broken and malnourished.
When you were young and vulnerable and dependent for survival on the adults in your life, you had no say in the conditions on which you let people close to you. But your life isn’t like that now. You get to say. You get to choose the terms of your relationships and the people you get close to.
There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are family. If they are toxic, the simple truth is that they have not chosen you. The version of you that they have chosen is the one that is less than the person you would be without them.
The growth.
Walking away from a toxic relationship isn’t easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always okay. And it is always – always – worth it. This is the learning and the growth that is hidden in the toxic mess.
Letting go will likely come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They might fight harder for you to stay. They will probably be crueller, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they’ve always done because it has always worked. Keep moving forward and let every hurtful, small-hearted thing they say or do fuel your step.
You can’t pretend toxic behaviour away or love it away or eat it, drink it, smoke it, depress it or gamble it away. You can’t avoid the impact by being smaller, by crouching or bending or flexing around it. But you can walk away from it – so far away that the most guided toxic fuelled missile that’s thrown at you won’t find you.
One day they might catch up to you – not catch you, catch up to you – with their growth and their healing but until then, choose your own health and happiness over their need to control you.
You can love people, let go of them and keep the door open on your terms, for whenever they are ready to treat you with love, respect and kindness. This is one of the hardest lessons but one of the most life-giving and courageous ones.
Sometimes there are not two sides. There is only one. Toxic people will have you believing that the one truthful side is theirs. It’s not. It never was. Don’t believe their highly diseased, stingy version of love. It’s been drawing your breath, suffocating you and it will slowly kill you if you let it, and the way you ‘let it’ is by standing still while it spirals around you, takes aim and shoots.
If you want to stay, that’s completely okay, but see their toxic behaviour for what it is – a desperate attempt to keep you little and controlled. Be bigger, stronger, braver than anything that would lessen you. Be authentic and real and give yourself whatever you need to let that be. Be her. Be him. Be whoever you can be if the small minds and tiny hearts of others couldn’t stop you.
[irp posts=”1602″ name=”When It’s Not You, It’s Them: The Toxic People That Ruin Friendships, Families, Relationships”]
You get to realise and you accept that there person you love is toxic. You stay with the hope that they will change. It’s still the hardest thing to do, leaving a toxic person. I’m still I’ll be with him, and I still can’t leave. I know he is bad for me, I know he is toxic. How do I let go of this drug.
This information was completely 100% helpful for me. I am breaking up with someone today and the pain I am feeling right now is unbelievable. She is so toxic, but for some reason I have stayed around hoping that her actions could change. Today is the day and I am very scared and nervous to go through with it, but I know it is the right decision. Wish me luck!
I just broke up with a toxic boyfriend. Luckily it only lasted about half a year, but it was 6 months of dense, overbearing love. It was my first ever relationship, and he was considerably older than me. At first he treated me incredibly… I felt so, so lucky, but the treatment came with a warning. He told me that he could be an amazing, sensitive, thoughtful, generous human being, but that deep down on the inside, he was a bad guy. He understood people so well, he knew how to please them, and how to hurt them, to the point of dread, of emotional paralysis.
I didn’t believe him. I thought he was being hard on himself, and I wanted to try my hardest to prove to him that he was wrong, that he was a special human being.
So I forgave, and forgave, and forgave… each time he ignored me when I said “no”, each time he told me I was a slut, littered with STDs, each time he criticized my relationships, my character traits, my lifestyle, my choices, even my home decor! And he moved the relationship forward so quickly… He appeared at my doorstep unannounced, forced me to profess my feelings, and then tore me apart when I wouldn’t let him into my home. I wasn’t ready, but I eventually let him in.
I thought it was love, but it felt so stressful, heavy, like a burden. Feom the beginning, our relationship was beyond repair, but I felt hopeful. He said he’d change, he owned up to his mistakes, he started listening to me, asking for my opinion, appreciating what I did, and he even stopped drinking! But soon remnants of his past behavior came creeping back, and he started drinking again… appearing on short notice, name-calling, interrogating, invalidating my opinion, my beliefs.
When I started acquiring his toxicity, and I started name-calling, and being insensitive, I realized thst our relationship had to end. I called him a coward, just to hurt him… and I enjoyed it. That’s when I knew I lost myself in this whole mess.
With him, I felt unstoppable… without him, I felt hopeless. That’s why it was so hard to leave, and so dangerous to stay. It was all bound by dependence.
I still love him. I know he has good in him. I wish him the best, and I hope he resolves his troubles in a healthy way.
I am curious for myself – Similar to what Basha described… How do you forgive yourself when you let your toxicity become so strong? I pushed him, I became physical first – and he told me that he had to cheat on me because I was jealous, to hit me from self-defense of my aggression. He is right however, I WAS aggressive, and I was physical. How can I ever forgive this in me?
By recognizing all humans make mistakes and if anything, if he really loved you, he would try and help you grow past it, not condemn you for it. Do what he would not. See what you can be and guide your path toward better behavior. Leave your mistake where it belongs. In the past.
Thank you , very insightful and true .
it is important to know that toxic person can then get you on their level and before you know it you become toxic defending yourself so you don’t feel like you’ve been walked all over and used .
there’s also a sense of entitlement with toxic people and they feel like you owe them something almost as if you should pay them for being with you .
The most humiliating thing is to have your wife say very disrespectful and mean things that your children would never forget … Then also anytime they’re mad or upset with you bring in other family members and friends and tell them their spin on the story to make you look like you’re the bad guy it’s totally manipulative and effective to keep them in control .
I know that most the time it seems to be men that are controlling women but in my case and many others most men don’t speak it out because it makes them seem less than a man to say that a woman can be so hurtful and dangerous to your psychological and physical self .
most people will stay in a relationship thinking that they can change it and end up just basically doing everything that their spouse wants him to do regardless of how demeaning and controlling you know it really is if you Buck them they get worse and worse and worse until you finally just decide to go along with them so you don’t have the conflict if nothing else for the children .
There’s absolutely no way to win you cannot win because if you really want an adult relationship with another person that is equal and fair loving and kind you will never find it with a toxic person that is probably a narcissist or sociopath as well. there’s absolutely no way to win you cannot win because if you really want an adult relationship with another person that is equal and fair loving and kind you will never find it with a toxic person that is probably a narcissist or sociopath as well
i’ve done a lot of research and I think that the only way to get away from them is to absolutely just abruptly and immediately leave and then not know where you are. period
no way to have a commonsense adult conversation because they are not going to let you talk you’re going to talk over you and everything you say they do not listen and everything they say they feel is true and important what you say means nothing
Dan I just got out of a toxic relationship a month ago, finally left. I used this site as one resource to build my strength and clarity.
Re-visiting today and reading your words, I am reminded of how bad it was and why I left. Thanks for sharing, it helps, there are days I question “well I never tried X”. Crazy thinking. Now that I am free, it feels like the life is starting to drain back into me. Life feels sane. I have huge holes to fill in my self esteem, but with time, that can happen. Yes women can be toxic!!!! My Mom was a toxic narcissist (I am working through that with giving up this relationship in my case!). Blessings on your journey!
I think this article is so misleading. My recent boyfriend just broke up with me after reading this article. We were together3 1/2 years, we were talking about getting married. You have truly made me lose the best thing in my life! Turned my world completely upside down and made me feel broken.Most of the stuff in this article is so untrue. You make people, that are supposedly “toxic” feel terrible. I know I can change, anyone can change as long as they know what needs to be changed. Talk to the person, let them know so they are aware of their actions, don’t just kick them out of your life, no one is perfect.
Hello Julie,
If you feel like this article was the cause you’re wrongly mistaken. He chose to leave after reading this but already felt the need to leave prior to that’s why he searched for this information to validate what he was already feeling. If you feel that is not you that is being identified in here then don’t take it to heart. He made this choice not the author here. What’s meant to be will be no matter the storm. Don’t ever forget that.
14 years together. I had never met a person like this. I always thought they just need time,patients,an love. Here I am still trying. Some days I want to walk away. Some days I think I’m strong I can take it. I’m not without my part in this at least for the past 2 years. I have given them he’ll feeling as though I had gave it back.the truth is I only hurt them an myself. I’m still here but my patients an anger has changed. I still try I still love them an it would be the hardest thing for me to do to walk away. My hope keeps me here but my own happiness wants to walk me out of here. I don’t know what I’ll do just yet but a decision is making its way to the surface. I really hope we can change an come together. I love them so much even with all things that make me sad I know one day light will come back to them an life of a full heart with kindness, compaction,gratitude,thankfulness take hold an replace old to become new. I hope an pray. I wait an watch. I stand an stay prepared. I won’t allow this to stand much longer. I want to be happy an successful. I will leave if that the only option they leave me.
I never leave comments on Web articles but felt compelled to leave one here. Absolutely fantastic article, you have given me the strength to put into place something I’ve wanted and needed to do for 20yrs. Thank you.
I just got out of a bad relationship of two years. Hes such a jerk. He would tell me to go out with this guy who’s in his 60s when I’m only in my 20s. I kept telling him I dont like elderly men, but he would torture me saying I liked way to old men , when I dont. He would also call me names that arnt true. I hope you guys out there know u dont have to be mean to women who arnt the way u want them to be.
Hello Kelsey,
Sorry you experienced what you did. That person is considered to be toxic and what you’re saying about him sounds more like he had no respect for you and in essence was trying to act as your pimp. Be thankful that you walked away not all men and women are the same. There is happiness out there for everyone.
Two years ago my husband had a dream that I had an affair with someone we know. The next morning he told me to leave. It broke me. Since then, I have been accused of sneaking around with that man. My motivations behind wearing perfume or a bra that isn’t a nursing bra (we have 4 children) is something shady. He told me Thursday that I wasn’t wearing perfume or a “sexy bra” for him. It must have been for someone else. Now he just told me, “good luck finding a husband who will allow you to stay home with the kids and provide for you like I have. You’ll need to find one who will cook and clean and care for the kids, too” I feel so worthless. I’m so angry and hurt. I don’t have a job outside of the home. I take care of our kids, and run our dog-boarding business inside of our home, but nothing has my name on it. I know this relationship is toxic, but I’m trapped. He told me I have no ambition, and HE is the one who has to tell me what to do or else I won’t get anything done. My house is cluttered, but I work hard caring for everyone. He told me HE is tired of feeling rejected (I have rejected his sexual advances since Thursday when he insulted me and told me I was wearing a sexy bra for someone else), and he told me he owes me no apology because he knows he’s right. He voluntarily slept on the couch last night. he just told me he will until our 5 month old is 18 because he’s “DONE WITH IT”. He told me I have changed 20 different times since getting married, and he’s had to cope with the changes. He, on the other hand, “has stayed the same.” I am currently going through post-partum depression, and I have been “off my meds” for 2 weeks now. my family came to visit last weekend, and his family this weekend. I didn’t want to begin taking them again before either of our families came to visit because the pills take about 1 week to acclimate. They make you feel drunk and drowsy for that whole week. He told me I’m an asshole without them, and that I need them. He makes me feel like I’m a crazy person. I feel so unloved.
Are you ok??
I just got out of a toxic relationship of two years. He was just using me until I broke up with him last week. Hes such a jerk. He would call me bad names and say it was my fault he called me that. He would talk to other girls behind my back. I’m so glad I realized I can find a better man out there.
This is true and congratulations on realizing your worth and walking away.
I really needed to read that right now. I’m stuck in a toxic relationship that I can’t get out of. I feel like either way I get hurt. Whether I stay with him or try to leave both horribly painful but staying hurts a little less. I love him and I really wish I didn’t. Every day he makes me feel worthless and belittles me. I want to leave but I just can’t, it hurts too much. I feel stuck and trapped.
Wow I totally relate to this
I understand what you’re going through! I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years. 3 years ago I left for 3 months and my stupid self didn’t know he was toxic or what that even was. Last july 2018 I had left again this time for a year. I was happy but missed him so much. I tried to see other people but was afraid h ed would show up all the time. He alighted me so badly I felt like I was always hearing his truck out side my room. And of course he snoozed his way back into my life and my best friend I lived with had a major argument and kicked me out. My 15 yr old daughter couldn’t go back to my moms with all the crap he did so us being on a friendship level said we could stay there. I’m so stupid! It immediately turned back to a romantic relationship. I had also lost my job 3 months before that so he know I needed him. He told me all the good things I wanted to hear and as a dummy I moved back in. He is now so much worse than he ever was and meaner x 10. Ugg I have no job, no $, and i a m stuck here. Fortunately I have a car again as I lost mine 1 month after I lost my job. The issue isn’t that I don’t know he’s toxic because I do. The problem is it hurts so bad to not be around him or with him, but the feeling I had just being around positive people was so uplifting I never even know that feeling existed.ive tried so hard to show my daughter the strength of a women but when I met him something in me went different . I’m not longer strong now I’m only weak. Long story short the law of attraction has been so helpful in gaining my self worth I highly suggest you read it. It really does help.good luck my friend and stay strong !
Same here, stuck in a toxic relationship of 4.5 years- im so scared of leaving but I cant live with him anymore. Its so hard.
I was in a toxic relationship for 18 months, it started off great , I thought I’d met the man of my dreams, funny, generous ,kind, omg ! As time went on , the abuse got worse, never any apology, he would go from venous fury, too so calm in an instant , he would scream terrible names at me , withhold sex for months , and I would just have to accept it , I was constantly walking on egg shells not to upset him , I was shit on his shoe ! No respect , none of his friends have never seen this side of him , he is never wrong, and will completely change the story, we have finished now , time is a healer, he is self soothing now with alcohol as he is regretting it but what be accountable for his actions , he went on a two day bender , and attacked his son who went round to comfort him , he hasent even said sorry to him , he dident have a good child hood and my god how it’s affected him , the abuse has just gotten worse each time , toxic people never change only their victims do ! And the never take the blame. Good luck .
I feel exactly the same way. I try to leave and it becomes even worse. I am trapped with a person in my life that will not go away. If I try to remove him from my life “it’s hell to pay” and he will make sure my life is miserable and he will continually hurt me at all costs. I’ve already moved out and have been on my own for 5 months and am still dealing with the nasty texts, calls, and showing up banging on my door. I feel completely trapped and defeated and completely broken as a person. It took me 1 1/2 years to muster enough courage to leave and when I did move out it was absolute hell. I don’t know how to get away from this person. It ruins every day of my life and takes a toll on my children as well (not his). I feel like I have to move away or it’ll never stop. If you are in a new relationship, and it feels wrong, do not ignore how you feel. Don’t stay until you are beat down, and belittled to the point where you have no worth or value and just stay because you are stuck. It will ruin your life and affect those you love as well.
Hun, I mean this with all my heart! Get a restraining order and work with law enforcement to uphold it by reporting him the very second he violates it. My brother is a policeman and I can’t tell you how many times stories like yours end very badly!
I can totally relate to that too Rachel! Over 10 years married to my 2nd wife! Went into the relationship still hurting from my first marriage where I was too nice and my ex-wife just asked me to leave one day out of the blue! Broke my heart, but my pride and love for her made me just do what she asked without a fight!
Not sure if the article was the most helpful or the stories from the feed. Letting go of a 2 year one.. No kids and avoided having to move to another country and giving up everything that is great for me here at home. Every toxic relationship will take a big part of you and change you. Hopefully for the better so you don’t bring any baggage to the next one. It’s a crazy cycle between the lives of the toxic and non-toxic person.
I really needed the read what you had written. I have just come out of my 2nd toxic relationship (you’d think i would have learnt by now) but this was by far the worst and cut the deepest and your words have really helped so thank you x
I found this article and it was so insightful and honestly an eye opener. For the longest time I just thought the toxic traits were normal and that they would get better and that somehow I could make it change. It’s been 6 years and nothing has really changed. We have a son together and I know this is not what I want my son to see as a “healthy” relationship often times my son will ask me why does dad get so mad or why doesn’t he come home, and the truth is I don’t know. He does what he wants when he wants and as he pleases. I realize if I love my son and myself I need to walk away. Parts of me are scared and feel guilty like I’m leaving him alone. But the reality is he doesn’t care if I’m alone. He doesn’t care that he doesn’t come home. He thinks I overreact. So why is it still a challenge for me? Why do I feel bad?
Because you love him and he has made you feel this way, please believe me. This is a narcissist and he will never change for you or your son, I’m sorry to say. I can bet it is ,or would be a problem ,should you stay out all night or perhaps go out at all. I have been in the same position and I’m finding it hard to break away. Their behavior will always be acceptable and of course you’re overreacting( you’re not, you are setting healthy boundaries for yourself and maintaining self respect, something I’ll bet he wishes you never had) I hope you don’t mind me saying this just maybe needed someone to say this to me.
its not worth it you all try to terminate these toxic relationships before you lose years of your life
Wow this article is so true. I was with my boyfriend for about 2 years. He consistently accused me of cheating, he belittled me, disrespected me, manipulated and controlled me. Every time we broke up, he knew the exact words I wanted to hear and did everything I always asked him to do, so I took him back. He deployed and this time we both decided to break up because our futures weren’t aligning and because of all our problems. However I found out a few weeks later that he was with someone who he was deployed with less than two weeks later meaning he was cheating while we we’re together. I finally learned the truth about him and how our relationship really was full of lies and deceit. Yes, he was very good at it too. I learned he was using me and stringing me along the whole time. Finding that out a few days ago still hurts so much. But I can’t wait till I heal and see that I deserve so much better and how what I went through wasn’t the definition of love. Thank you for this article, I still sometimes find me blaming myself and asking myself what I did wrong for him to treat me that way and cheat on me…
I’ve never been more moved in my life. Perfectly said. I’ve just left a 34 year toxic relationship. Let’s face it not every second of all 34 years were horrible, but they were toxic.
I was 15 years “young” when we started dating. My key word was that I was “insecure”.
I will save a read this article a lot.
34 years together, 25 years married… very toxic. I stayed as the right thing to do for my for my son, which by the way turns out to be not so respected “thing” to do. My son saw and heard things no one should and “I have to live with that”. Which I’ll happily do knowing that my son didn’t have to change schools in elementary years, lose great and gifted teachers, Because I stayed, I didn’t lose my footing trying to make it on my own, sleeping around, man after man, and not being there at the kitchen table every night doing homework with him.
So grateful to my alive, having not gone crazy feeling so miserable and unimportant.
I just got out of a toxic relationship where I felt I was being used and controlled. In the end I’m not sure who was worse. It was always everything I done wrong to him how everyone else said what I should be doing for and to him. Everything is my fault. I’m the stupid and toxic one all so he can play victim & innocent one. If I ever wanted to do something on my own, I don’t see the point in that, but perfectly fine for him to get money or savings go and do whatever he pleased.
I’ve been in a relationship for almost six years. It is very confusing because he will provide for me and also dismiss me at the same time. He will pay all the bills in the house and at the same time if my car breaks down won’t even worry how I get to work yet pick up his friends in time. He will say he loves me, sex (which I rarely get pleasure all about him), give me money, but at the same time be cold, rigid, even roll his eyes like he hates the sound of my voice. He will ignore me when I ask him a question but then be very playful at others times. I’m starting to notice he is playful and receptive when he wants something. He gambles every weekend and has no self control when he does. Our bills are paid but he will tell me he will be home at 10pm and won’t get home until 2 a.m. He says time just passes when he is playing poker. I don’t try to control him so the fact he gets rigid when he comes in the house I believe is about his guilt that he lacks self control. We have been looking at rings for two years. His family love me even all of his sisters. They don’t understand why he hasn’t proposed to me neither do I. I asked him out right and he makes excuses that he doesn’t remember what he agree to, ignores me, or calls me to sensitive. It is always my fault! He has acknowledged he did things to me that was wrong but never will apologize. I will apologize for minor things like not give him a kiss when he leaves after he has ignored me all day but he won’t apologize after he refused to get out of bed or “fell sleep” when we were scheduled to look at rings. I don’t understand why he won’t leave me because he is so cold to me right now. He acts like he doesn’t want to be here and works constant overtime. The crazy thing is he isn’t cheating. He is always were he says he is. It’s so strange and so hurtful because I love him so much! Yet after reading this I think I don’t know what real love feels like just toxic love? My mother left me with an abusive drunk who shattered my self-esteem and my dad left also. My man had no self-esteem when we met and was fresh out of a divorce. I helped him build it back, save money, loved him unconditionally, and have become submissive and controlled. I gained so much weight do to his constant cristsim that I was to thin at 140 pound 5’6”. Only for me to realize now that his self-esteem didn’t like all the compliments I got on the beach or in a nice dress. I lost 40 pounds recently and showed him an old picture of me at 140. I told him I’m close to that again. He responded I looked great then. I told him then why did you constantly say I was to thin and could put on 20 pounds? He responded “I did?” I was furious because this is what he does. He acts like he forgets but personally I’m starting to think he doesn’t forget and is a manipulative abuser who will lie so he can always be seen as the victim. If I told some of his friends about his behavior towards me they wouldn’t believe it but I was told by one of his sisters that my man is extremely difficult to deal with and she couldn’t imagine why I would want to marry him. Another one of his friends told me I would be crazy to marry him because he is a POS. I think this is about me and my low self-esteem. This is just another abuser in my life that I’m actually begging to marry! I need help and I need to leave! You have opened my eyes!
Thank you for sharing this with us. I’m supporting you in your story. You deserve to be loved and supported. Here you have to see things with your logical brain and not your heart because your heart is love. You brain is seeing all the red flag.
I was in a similar relationship for 16 years. I believed him to be someone completely different than who he really is. He was able to fool me for many years as from the beginning he told me that due to his busy business he needed to compartmentalize the rest of his life in order to have some semblance of normality during his down time.
Over the years whenever I pushed to deepen our relationship I was always told that he was not able to express his love with words and lots of affection but he proved his love by taking care of me and financially supporting me. I was financially reliant on him but I wanted to work to have some independence and take pride from doing a good job. Everytime I attempted to start a small business I would be told to do my research and after I had a business plan he would get me started. Everytime when I was ready, there suddenly was a crisis with his business and he would push me off saying he did not have time or money to start a business for me. Initially I fought him that I followed all his requirements and did not need him to “start a business for me” as I was willing to build it on my own but after dancing to the same futile song many times over many years, I kind of gave up, too tired to fight anymore.
The rest of our relationship, while odd to some as we had 2 residences, was mostly loving, intimate and solid. We were inseparable and outside of the occasional fights for me to be more independent, I believed he truly loved me.
He was loyal, faithful and my best friend. He was never abusive, a great provider and kind to everyone.
After each big fight we had, I felt my broken heart shrink when I did not receive the support I felt I deserved. I even attempted to leave him several times and when I started to rebuild a new life for myself he would reappear to avow his love for me saying he could not live without me, and end up crying that he needed me and no one understood him but me.
Each time I returned, I felt less confident that he would change but was advised that if I truly loved him, I would have to accept him for who he was and what he could give me.
Last year, he told me that his health was failing and that he had to change his lifestyle. I actually was relieved that finally he would slow down and maybe we would become a normal household. Immediately, I researched his conditions and implemented a new diet and lifestyle.
For the first 6 months, things went smoothly and he was getting healthy. I had no idea what happened but one day he started to revert back to his old ways, distancing himself from me.
Then 2 weeks ago he suddenly told me that he had never loved me, was only with me out of guilt and that he never wanted me, period.
I was shocked and devasted! I had given up the chance to have children with him because he was never ready or thought he could be an attentive father and I had compromised due to his commitment to grow old with me and always be just the two of us.
After he left, I called his mother wanting to inform his sister, a nurse, of his health because I still loved him and wanted someone that loved him to know. He had visited his mother the previous month to tell her about it so I felt it safe to talk about it with her.
To my shock and amazement she told me he never said a word and told her everything was great! He told me that she told him to take care of his health as he was too young to die. When I recovered, I asked her all sorts of questions about his childhood since he told me he was the way he was because of something traumatic from his early 20s. Again, I was shocked to learn he has always been the way he is, from a child.
What I have now come to learn is that he started cheating last year with a woman that he believes can “better” his life. He was a complete fraud for the 16 years that I knew him. He has manipulated and lied to everyone who has ever loved him and is actually a pathetic loser!
Of course I was heartbroken when he dumped me but when my eyes were opened to who he truly is, that grief and devastation was quickly replaced with anger and determination to not waste any more precious time loving him. I still cry and sob throughout the day but I only have to remind myself that I do not love him but rather I loved the man I was fooled into believing he was.
Finding this blog has also reassured me that I am not the toxic one but it is actually him! He manipulated my trust and love. He lied throughout my life with him. He defrauded me of my genuine love and loyalty.
Please do not believe you are doomed because you had a bad childhood. There are bad, sad and mad men out there in the world regardless of how good or poor your childhood was. What was written in the blog that was so eloquently explained is that it can happen to anyone!
Wow this is my life.. has never comforted me not even after having our kids and getting PND. I use the excuse it’s his epilepsy or his medication.. he’s only ever nice when he’s had something up his nose sadly only time me and the kids get any attention
I can relate to this article…. very well written. I’ve been in a relationship for about 6 years now. I still love him but the excitement isnt there anymore. I care for him and feel bad if something bad happens to him. But he is very toxic and I know he wont make me happy. I know we wont be a happy family ever but I cant let him go. I’m very emotional and I have a fear of not forgiving myself if I let him go. I’m so used to him and his presence. I dont think I can live without him but he is not the one. 🙁 I really don’t know what to do….
I feel the same way you do. I have been with this man 5 years. He say he love me, but I don’t feel like he do. I feel like he say he love me out of habit. Love don’t hurt. He has cheated on me on our anniversary 2 years ago gave he a nickname and told her he love her too on Facebook. I forgave him but he don’t do nothing to show me he loves me. I feel so stupid at times because I know I love him. His birthday is the same day as our anniversary but yet he forgets. My birthday he tells me your kids are supposed to do for you. Every holiday its something but loves for me to do for him. I do it because it makes him happy but he will not do the same for me. Just recently we took a trip and I struggled with his luggage and he had my luggage that was 33 lbs and his was 88 lbs. But help a young woman with children and let me struggling with his baggage. He didn’t even sit by me. Yes he paid for everything and that’s what he tells me. He said its me i am ungrateful.
I’m sorry you feel this way, but you should know you’re not alone. I’m in the same boat. But, you lived without him before, and you will be able to live without him once you find the strength to finally let go. It’s so hard. It’s honestly unbelievably hard and hurts like crazy. I hope you can find the strength. I’ve finally ended things with my boyfriend due to him being so insensitive, manipulative, selfish, indecisive, and he could not be trusted due to the many many many lies and infidelity. I stuck around to give him the opportunity to fix it, but with those kinds of people, it’s all words. No actions.
Actions speak louder than words girlfriend. If he isn’t showing the actions and respect you give to him then you need to let go. Life is supposed to be happy. Not miserable and everyone deserves to be happy (if their not a super scum bag who treat people like they don’t matter)
I’m in a relationship right now that I want to leave. We’ve been together for about 4 years and I’m tired. We’ve had our shares of arguments where things have been said that cant been taken back, I’ve been talked down to so many times , there have been physical fights and I’m just so done. One time he grabbed the wheel of my car when I was driving because we had an argument and crashed and totalled my car. We have a child and I dont want her to be around a toxic relationship that. He drinks to much and antagonizes arguments when I try to walk away. His toxic traits have made me toxic and I don’t like it. I’ve never been in an altercation with my partner until I met him. I tried so many times to get him to leave but the cops don’t do anything.. finding myself but when we get an altercation I end up being the one arrested. When I tell him to leave he just tries kicking down the door I’m scared because I don’t want to leave my apartment or lose my apartment because it’s the only place I have for my daughter when I tell him that I don’t want to be with him and then I want him to leave the house there’s always a problem I don’t know what to do I wish I had help
Some things you might try;
Look for a women’s escaping a violent environment center near you. They have a safe house you can stay in and relocate. They have legal help too. Your daughter will be better off without the fights than to stay in the same apartment.
Leave if you can to a friends or relatives house. Sometimes a break helps.
If you can get enough money to get your own apartment. He probably won’t leave so you have to do it.
Sending you strength and everything you need to leave.
Finding this article at this point in my life is so what I needed at this time, it is empowering. It helps me consolidate that it is not me but my partner who is the aggressor, the toxic one, because they do make us doubt ourselves, because we are the ones who forgive, make excuses and try to do everything for everyone. To think that I nearly sacrificed my relationship with my beautiful, strong-willed but vulnerable daughter to go back to this is mind-blowing. Just helped me to gel in my own mind that I have made the right decision and I know that it will get worse before it gets better, he has told me he will make my life hell and he will try and carry that out, that was probably the main reason for thinking about going back, to stop that from happening.
Thank you! This is exactly what I needed to hear. I have been in a toxic relationship for 7 yrs we have a 5 yr old. We tried counseling and there was always some excuse he had for not going or canceling it. I have wanted to leave for a few years. I finally did leave last year and have had the hardest time with the loss of my family. He is still toxic and got way worse after I left like you said here. He became more controlling. We were going to try to live separately and stay together, my idea. But he didn’t think that was a relationship so he became more angry and we are now in a divorce. Recently I have missed being a family and our daughter just wants us all together again. She has terrible separation anxiety. He wants to talk and try to work things out now that he’s not as mad he says. I really want a family. I was thinking of giving it a chance again. I realize after reading this that I need to set boundaries and stick to them. I need to be treated with love, respect and kindness. I hope after reading this that I can do this and stick to it. I am willing to move on if he can’t do this. I am so happy I read this article! I hope in the future I can see these signs and not fall for it again. I hope I have learned my lesson of setting these boundaries of love, kindness and respect.
This Article is really relatable. The writer has written this in point so relatable it felt like it was my own soul’s reflection. The article is crisp accurate and really straightforward and makes us see things as they are. Thanks for bringing this issue up.
This article hits the nail on the head with what’s going on between my father and his girlfriend. I’m at my wits end dealing with their constant rollercoaster and my dad has put me in the middle of all of it but doesn’t want to listen to a word I have to say. Essentially, she’s the toxic one and he doesn’t see it. They have done the “break up – make up” thing so many times and she says the same stuff and he goes running right back. He is a very genuine guy that is willing to help anyone without anything in return and she, and her family, have taken full advantage of that, have made him choose between her and her family and my brother and I, and have turned him into someone I don’t recognize. He’s making a lot of bad decisions and poor choices, which isn’t the father I grew up with. My mother passed away just over 2 years ago and he’s been with this women for about 9 months and she’s managed to tear the family apart, bankrupt my father, and play the victim the whole time. I don’t know how to make my father see it, truly see it. I know he has to be the one and we were so close to that around Memorial Day when they had a fight but he went running right back to her. He justifies it to himself, and tries to sell her on everyone else, that she loves him and that she’s great and we can all see through it. He’s about to make some huge mistakes because of her and he doesn’t want to listen. The list of 12 toxic traits also was dead on.
When you don’t know how to be treated properly you don’t know any other way! I’ve had 3 relationships in my life going from one abusive manipulating controlling relationship to another and now at the age of 60 diagnosed with complex ptsd. This article explains me to a tea! Thank you – it’s given me the strength to move on and love myself
Me to how do we make sure we don’t fall for this again. I’m guessing the lesson is that we need to set a boundary that we will only accept people who can love, respect and be kind to us.
This is really well written & really opened my eyes ~ thank you so much!
Beautiful article. i had a toxic relationship with my mom. A therapist-and friend- recommended a book, “Toxic Parents” and suggested “benevolent abandonment.” It was not easy, but I was able to reconnect shortly before her death at (almost) 91, one day after Yom Kippur; I buried her with her parents in Ohio. Because of the holiday of Sukkot and Simchat Torah, I had to perform the funeral service myself.
Here is an interesting story. I have a friend who is in the worst marriage I have ever seen or heard of. They have been married for 25 years and have four teenaged kids. He was caught cheating on his wife (maybe around year 10) and she has since caught him in 5 other affairs. One of those affairs produced a child. 3 years ago he met and fell in love with another woman. This other woman was very unsuspecting as he told her he was legally separated. From the conversations he and I had, his wife was not able to accept the child and had threatened him with divorce for the entire last year. His wife admitted to me that she threatens divorce to get him to feel bad for what he’s done. A year into his relationship with this new woman (girlfriend), his wife finds out. She blames the girlfriend for her misery and will not look at their marriage as a whole. The wife finally filed for divorce and he makes his relationship with his girlfriend public. They are actively trying to conceive a child together.
The problem that I have is that I was once friends with his wife as well. His wife is very manipulative and very controlling. She comes unhinged at the slightest thing. At school meetings if she doesn’t get her way she storms out and doesn’t talk to anyone for weeks. She humiliates him and degrades him in public often. All of our other friends can’t stand going out with them because it is always drama. She airs their dirty laundry and likes to play the martyr. We are all aware of his infidelities because she likes to tell everyone that will listen. It’s very embarrassing for us. We all make fun of their marriage behind their back. She’s not a nice person, which is why I cut off my friendship with her. At this point, we only entertain them because our kids are friends with their kids. Most of us say we like him but can’t stand her. However, I just learned that he has been lying to me.
For the past year I have been trying to be his friend to help him get out of this toxic marriage and have the relationship with the girlfriend that is so very obvious he loves and is happy. But he has lied to all of us saying the divorce is moving forward, yet we just found out that HE stopped the divorce months ago. Even the girlfriend had no idea. This is the 3rd time he’s done this. Each time the girlfriend walks away and he calls me crying about how upset he is that she won’t talk to him. I have given him advice on how to get her back and telling him that he needs to finalize the divorce in order for her to feel secure in their relationship. Inevitably they do talk again because, I believe, their love is that strong. But then he does it again! This time the girlfriend walked away for good and so am I. He calls me venting that he is moving the divorce forward and cries to me about how to get the girlfriend back, yet, all the while he is telling his wife he loves her and wants to save the marriage. He is playing mind games with everyone.
It kills me to walk away, but he is toxic for me now too. How can I be a friend to somebody who does not want to help himself? It’s like he has PTSD from all of his wife’s manipulation and controlling from the onset of his marriage. How does somebody give up real love for more toxicity? What is wrong with his wife for not leaving him and allowing 5 known affairs, a love child, a long term girlfriend, and potentially another love child? What is wrong with him for wanting to stay married to somebody so controlling and manipulative, that breeds his horrid behaviors? He is consciously choosing to stay married to an awful woman and in unhealthy, unhappy marriage and as his friend it breaks my heart. Oh, and they both swear the kids are fine and not impacted by everything. The kids are aware of his affair that produce the child/half sibling and very aware of the girlfriend. Will these kids be OK or are their parents living in a dream world?
I hope by now you realize that the man was manipulative with the first wife- that she was not the problem. She fell into that trap, had kids with him, and wanted to keep the family whole. She vented her feelings (perhaps sometimes inappropriately) and she was, according to you, not a nice person- airing dirty laundry, complaining about him. I think you can see that she endured a lot from him, was manipulated in the same manner by him, and was talking her feelings out in order to maintain some sanity. It doesn’t make her a bad person, just shows the lack of good judgement.
Be kinder to yourself and to her now that you know what the real problem person was in these relationships. My opinion based solely on what you wrote. I hope with the passage of time since then, there has been more clarity.
I had a de best friend in college from 5 years. Recently I walked away from him as I realised he started taking me for granted. In the beginning, he used to be really sweet to me and praise me all the time. So, I thought he thought of me highly, and respected me. Eventually, we started talking to each other, calling frequently etc, and grew closer. I told him all of my secrets, and he probably told me too. During college days , I felt like he used to be so sweet in front of me especially in calls, but when we meet, he is the same with everyone: he didnt consider me special in front of public, while playing the opposite in private. I confronted him about this too many times, and everytime he gave the same excuse that people teases him about our relationship calling us a couple, so he tries to act normal in front of other.He also felt jealous of my other friend from time to time, although he didnt want to give me priority in public. I was never afraid of what others had to say, and treated him the same everywhere. Another thing I always had a problem with is he never shared a single photo of us in social media although he does shares photos of his other friends together. I also didn’t think about it too much and kind of accepted it. Finally we graduated from college, and entered different universities at different districts. We couldn’t meet too often but continued to phone and video calls. He changed after he went there. He became utterly competitive, always complaining that he is the victim at that place, everybody wants to harm him in some way or other etc etc. During the last six months of 2023, he started behaving hurtfully towards me. The person who praised so much on my talents compared me to someone else. He said some hurtful things as well amd acted as aloof in front of me. I stopped talking for while, and he portrayed himself like he was so sad and emotional (uploaded emotional posts). I thought he missed me, so contacted him first. He didnt even want to apologise for hurting me at time, and wanted to justify his actions. We stopped talking for ten days. And I also did not call h first. He then, uploaded a photo of his picture of a friend from uni , holding her hand in a romantic way , although calling her a friend in the caption. I was completely shocked. He could never upload our picture because people would tease him, but now he can post a picture with a random person in this way. I completely blocked him.
2Nd part of the story
We didnt contact for almost 2 months. I had another friend who told me he contacted her amd said many things that nothing ever happened so serious to block him completely. She urged me to tell him clearly what happened. He called me with another number, and I took her advice. I told him everything, why I maintained distance. His defense was that girl he posted picture with was just to please her. That girl requested him to upload the post and just to please her , he did so. He said he never did anything intentionally, and then said because of academic pressure , he became different, accounting to his hurtful behaviour towards me. I still did not budge. He tried too hard to keep the friendship , but I didnt want to be in the friendship, because I felt used, taken for granted and manipulated. When I told him so, he again tried to victimise himself saying that he felt someone is choking him in his sleep, all these kinds of things. I finally decided to block him, as I felt there’s no use talking to this manipulative person.
Later I came to know that even during our college days, he used to badmouth me in front of our other classmates. He would show a different image in front of me amd another in front of others. My other friends also felt something was odd, but didnt inform me because they knew how much I loved him and cared for him. He said he was irritated when I called him, or talked to him. Whenever we quarelled or had a minor fight, he would speak ill and play victim in front of my other friends and never even let me suspect him.
I feel terrible and miserable now. I was such a fool for 5 years. The only person whom I thought would never hurt me , turned out to be the worst experienced of all.
I thank you for your well written article ? It hit home so much for me! As much as the first two responses about the men that Had been in toxic relationships with their girlfriend/wife.
I myself have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for going on 19yrs this May 27th. I love him so so very much, and he is the father of my 17yr old daughter. But I know it is a very toxic relationship. He doesn’t want to be drug free. However, I do! Very much so! And I know I can’t do this while being in this relationship. It’s going to kill me at first if/when I am to leave. As of right now, I have no job and of course no income to leave. So I am fighting on how I’m going to do this. Any suggestions would be very helpful … Thank you so much! Xoxo ?
Please leave the person who is abusive, they feed on control and know your weaknesses
I myself am planning ahead to get out of a verbal abussive relationship.
It’s tocic and I feel ill , he tries to cause a argument but after years I cut it off as no longer have the strength to argue, I feel he’s no longer worth it. He keeps saying I have said things differently to what I say, it’s driving me mental.
Roll on to me getting out and finding myself again.
Good luck everyone.
We were friends from 5 years and started dating from past one year. In the starting it felt like the best thing that has ever happened to me. It felt like he is the one. But eventually he started encroaching upon each and every area of my being leaving no privacy and no space. That was fine until he got really controlling and physically and verbally abusive. I left. He used to do all this and claimed it was because he loves me so much. He never felt remorse or any regret for his actions and made me believe that I am not able to understand his love. It has been 2 weeks since are break up, it is still really fresh. I was on the internet and stumbled upon this article. Nicely written. Thanks a lot. I hope I am others from the same boat gets past through it.
Yeah I know what it’s like I have been hit and pushed by my brother and I’ve been trying Tom get out of the house for a long time I never thought he would get violent until a few years ago and then again a a week ago almost and I almost left my family house next time I’m actually going to get the police involved
Thank you for this reply, because after reading your blog I started thinking maybe I could be the toxic one, quickly forsaking the fact that I’m on this site for a reason. My boyfriend is a taker that never gives. Oooh he’s such a stingy lover.
He drives my emotions crazy, I’m always confused and feeling unloved. He never does anything with me, it feels like he’s hiding me. The scumbag never wants us to break up. He NEVER does anything nice for me. After we make love he always turns the other way. He never cuddles me, and now he’s withholding sex from me with his endless excuses. He criticizes me but never compliments me. When I tell him that he doesn’t love me he says he loves me a lot and I’m just being negative and I think a lot.
I’m always the one working on fixing our relationship, all he does is make one empty promise after the other. He disgusts me because he holds an angelic facade while he’s pure evil. I gave him everything, he had nothing when we met and now he treats like I’m worthless. I just don’t understand why such cruel people exist. He has hurt me so much I’ve lost so much weight and so much of myself trying to make him love me.
And now I have mend my broken heart. And I hate that I still love him. But I know I am better than this shit!
I just want you to know!!!! You’re awesome!!!! And you can do it!!! Leave his ass today!!!!
This sounds exactly like my ex. I ended things a few days ago and of course I’m the bad guy who was playing with his emotions and feelings. He just takes and takes and takes and I just gave and gave and gave. I’ve had to deal with his alcoholism and substance abuse. If it wasnt me coming to his house or us going to a hotel so we could have sex he made no effort to spend time with, go on dates, accompany me anywhere. All he did was accuse me of cheating the entire 4 1/2 years we’ve been together while he in fact was the one cheating. His behavior confuses me as well. One minute he cant live without me the next minute I’m a cheating ass fat bitch. Anytime I would try to talk to him about my feelings, ” I was wrong for constantly trying to start “drama” while methodically avoiding a discussion about his shitty behavior. I fell out of love with him a long time ago and I stuck it out hoping things would be better but after more disrespect and more disappointment and his complete lack of empathy and regard for me and everything around him I knew I had to go. Hands down the most draining situation I’ve ever had to deal with in life. I love him, but he adds no value at all to my life, just heartache. I have committed to feeling whole again, working on my self esteem and finding my happiness again. I can’t wait till the day gets here where I no longer care anymore and just look back on this nightmare the past 4 1/2 years and just laugh.
RUN… you are definately better than that shit! Sadly we teach people how they can treat us. If lucky, the people we meet and let into our lives already have learned emotional intelligence and are healthy enough to treat others well and supportive and loving and encouraging growth. But so many times that is not how they show up. They show up angry and resentful and emotionally undeveloped. And unfortunately we too are emotionally undeveloped or broken from early life mis treatment, not having the opportunity or awareness to heal ourselves before going back into the world of others with self worth and self esteem intact.
This article hit the nail right on the head. My father is the most emotionally manipulative person I have met in my life. My childhood and adolescence was filled with emotional and physical abuse (largely when he drank). I vowed to myself that the minute I turned 18, I’d walk away.
I still haven’t been able to. I come from an Asian background whereby I was always taught that your parents are your responsibility. Throw in the part where my mom passed away when I was a child (making him a single parent) and it makes it really hard to walk away.
He’s burned bridges with all of his family and regularly fights with his friends. All he has is my sibling and I but my sibling doesn’t share my concerns or responsibilities. He’s always been a drinker but the last few years have been really rough including hospitalisations for alcohol poisoning. I so desperately want to walk away from stress and constant worrying. I feel like I’m unable to live my own life. My friends and sibling travel and have fun but I feel like I can’t do any of these things.
I really wish I could just walk away but my sense of obligation runs too deep. I wish I could find away to walk away and still live with myself – without the guilt that I know will accompany me.