It’s one thing to be dipped in venom by those you don’t really care about, but when it’s by the person who is meant to love you, hold you, and take the sharp edges off the world, while teaching you with love, wisdom and warmth how to do it for yourself, it changes you. There is a different kind of hurt that can only come from a toxic parent – someone who is meant to love you. Kind of like being broken from the inside out.
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The scarring and hurt that comes from a toxic parent probably isn’t something we talk about enough. None of us are perfect, including our parents, but there is a point at which imperfect becomes destructive, taking away from children the love, warmth and nurturing they deserve and replacing it with something awful.
When children are raised on a diet of criticism, judgement, abuse and loathing, it’s only a matter of time before they take over from those parents, delivering with full force to themselves the toxic lashings that have been delivered to them.
Toxic parents come in many shapes. Some are so obvious that they can be spotted from space through the eye of a needle. Some are a bit more subtle. All are destructive.
A toxic parent has a long list of weapons, but all come under the banner of neglect or emotional, verbal or physical abuse. Toxic parents lie, manipulate, ignore, judge, abuse, shame, humiliate and criticise. Nothing is ever good enough. You get an A, they’ll want an A+. You get an A+, they’ll wonder why you aren’t school captain. You make school captain, your sister would have been a better one. And you’ll never be pretty like her. They’ll push you down just to criticise you for the way you fall. That, or they’ll shove you off a cliff to show the world how well they catch you. They oversee childhoods with no warmth, security or connection.
Any negative behaviour that causes emotional damage or contaminates the way a person sees himself or herself, is toxic. A toxic parent treat his or her children in such a way as to make those children doubt their importance, their worth, and that they are deserving of love, approval and validation. If you’re reading this and thinking, ‘Well yeah, my parent/s did that, but only because it was true – I’m pretty useless at life,’ then chances are that parent was a toxic one. The truth is that you, like every other small person on the planet, deserved love, warmth, and to know how important you were. You’re not useless at life – you’ve bought in to the messages that were delivered by a parent too broken to realise what they were doing. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.
It is possible to heal from by toxic parenting. It begins with the decision that the legacy of shame and hurt left behind by a toxic parent won’t be the way your story will end.
How to heal from a toxic parent.
Here are some ways to move forward.
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It’s okay to let go of a toxic parent.
This is such a difficult decision, but it could be one of the most important. We humans are wired to connect, even with people who don’t deserve to be connected to us. Sometimes though, the only way to stop the disease spreading is to amputate. It doesn’t matter how much you love some people, they are broken to the point that they will only keep damaging you from the inside out. You’re not responsible for them or for the state of your relationships with them, and you are under no obligation to keep lining yourself up be abused, belittled, shamed or humiliated. Healing starts with expecting more for yourself, and you’re the only person who can make that decision.
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And it’s okay not to.
Don’t be harsh on yourself if you stay in the relationship. The act of returning to an abusive relationship can set trigger self-loathing. ‘Why aren’t I strong enough?’ Know that loyalty is such an admirable trait, even if it gets in the way of your capacity to protect yourself. Own where you are and give yourself full permission to be there. Accept that for now, this is where you’re at, and fully experience what that’s like for you. You’ll never love yourself enough to change your expectations if you’re flogging yourself for not being strong enough. It takes tremendous strength to keep walking into a relationship that you know is going to hurt you. When you’re ready, you’ll make the move to do something differently. For now though, wherever you are is okay.
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Be honest about the possibilities.
If you’re going to stay, know that it’s okay to put a boundary between yourself and your parent. You can act from love and kindness if you want to – but don’t stay in the relationship unless you can accept that the love you deserve will never come back to you. Ever. If it was going to, it would have reached you by now. See their behaviour for what it is – evidence of their breaks, not evidence of yours. Put a forcefield around yourself and let their abuse bounce off. Love yourself and respect yourself enough to fill the well that they bleed dry. They might not be capable of giving you the love and respect you deserve, but you are.
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Be careful of repeating the patterns with other people
You might find yourself drawn to people who have similarities to your toxic parent. There’s a really good reason for this. All of us are driven to find an ending to things that remain unresolved. Because love, warmth and nurturing are such an important part of child development, yet so elusive for the child of a toxic parent, it’s very normal for those children to be driven to find a resolution to never feeling loved, secure or good enough. They will look to receive what they didn’t get from their parents in others and will often be drawn to people who have similarities to their toxic parent. With similar people, the patterns will be easier to replicate, and the hope of an ending closer to the desired one – parent love – will be easier to fulfil. That’s the theory. The pattern often does repeat, but because of the similarities to the parent, so does the unhappy ending.
The decisions aren’t conscious ones, so to move towards healing, the automatic thoughts and feelings driving the choices need to be brought more into awareness. If this is something that’s familiar for you, it’s possible that you are being drawn to the wrong people because they remind you of your toxic parent, and somewhere inside you where your wanted things stay hidden, is the wish that you’ll get from them what you weren’t able to get from your parent. Look at the people in your life and explore the similarities they have with your own parents. What do they do that’s similar? What do you do that’s similar to the way you are in your relationship with your parents? Which needs are being met? What keeps you there? The more awareness you have, the more you can make deliberate decisions that aren’t driven by historical wants.
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Own your right to love and respect.
One of the greatest acts of self-love is owning your right to love and respect from the people you allow close to you. You’re completely entitled to set the conditions for your relationships, as other people are to set the conditions for theirs. We all have to treat those we love with kindness, generosity and respect if we want the same back. If those conditions aren’t met, you’re allowed to close the door. You’re allowed to slam it closed behind them if you want to.
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Be careful of your own toxic behaviour.
You’ve been there, so you know the behaviours and you know what they do. We’re all human. We’re all going to get it wrong sometimes. Toxic behaviour though, is habitual and it will damage the members of your own little tribe as surely as it damaged you. You don’t have to be a product of the inept, cruel parenting that was shown to you, and this starts with the brave decision that the cycle stops at you. People who do this, who refuse to continue a toxic legacy, are courageous, heroic and they change the world. We’re here to build amazing humans, not to tear them down. How many lives could have been different if your parent was the one who decided that enough was enough.
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You’re allowed to make mistakes and you’re allowed to do it on your own.
You may have been lead to believe that you’re not enough – not smart enough, beautiful enough, funny enough, strong enough capable enough. The truth is that you are so enough. It’s crazy how enough you are. Open yourself up to the possibility of this and see what happens. You don’t need to depend on anyone and making mistakes doesn’t make you a loser. It never has. That’s something you’ve been lead to believe by a parent who never supported you or never gave you permission to make mistakes sometimes. Make them now. Make plenty. Heaps. Give yourself full permission to try and miss. There will be hits and there will be misses. You don’t even know what you’re capable of because you’ve never been encouraged to find out. You’re stronger than you think you are, braver, better and smarter than you think you are, and now is your time to prove it to yourself.
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Write a list. (And get yourself a rubber band.)
Write down the beliefs that hold you back. The ones that get in your way and stop you from doing what you want to do, saying what you want to say or being who you want to be. Were you brought up to believe your opinion doesn’t count? That parents are always right? That you’re unloveable? Unimportant? Stupid? Annoying? Incapable? Worthless?
Now beside each belief, write what that belief is costing you. Has it cost you relationships? Happiness? Freedom to be? To experiment? To explore? Then, rewrite the script. Thoughts drive feelings, behaviour, what you expect for yourself and what you expect from relationships and world. How are you going to change those beliefs? Just choose one or two to start with and every time you catch yourself thinking the old thoughts, actively replace it with a new, more self-nurturing thought – then act as though that new thought is true. You don’t have to believe it – just pretend it is. Your head will catch up when it’s ready.
If it’s difficult to break out of the old thought, try this: wear a rubber band (or a hair band) around your wrist. Every time you catch yourself thinking the old thought, give the band a little flick. This will start to train your mind to let go of the old thoughts that have no place in your life anymore. You just need a little flick – you don’t need to hurt yourself – your old thoughts have been doing that for long enough already. There is no right or wrong on this. All the answers, strength and courage you need to do what’s right for you is in you. You just need to give yourself the opportunity and the reason to hear it.
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Find your ‘shoulds’ that shouldn’t be.
‘Shoulds’ are the messages we take in whole (introject) from childhood, school, relationships, society. They guide behaviour automatically and this can be a good thing (‘I should be around people who respect me’) or a not so good thing (‘I should always be ‘nice”). Take a close look at your ‘shoulds’ and see if they’ve been swallowed with a spoonful of poison. Our ‘should’s’ come from many years of cultivating and careful pruning, so that when that should is fully formed, it direct you so automatically that you don’t even need to think.
It’s likely that the should that’s keeping you stuck has come from the person who wanted to keep you that way. Were you brought up feeling indebted to your parents? Like you owe them? Like you’ll never cope if you separate properly from them? Were the messages delivered to keep you small? Quiet? Hidden? Believing the messages may have worked when you were younger, steering you way from their foul mood or toxic consequences, but it doesn’t have to be that way now. Don’t pick up from where they left off. You’re older now, with different circumstances, and in a different environment. Bring your ‘shoulds’ out in the open so your actions can be more deliberate. If your ‘shoulds’ are working for you, love them up and keep them, otherwise let them go.
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Nobody is all good or all bad. But don’t be guilted by that.
One of the things that makes ending any relationship so difficult is that there will be traces of exactly what you want. Even toxic parents can sometimes be loving, warm or nurturing, though it’s mostly, if not always, done to further their own agenda. In the same way that being ‘a little bit bad’ probably isn’t enough to sever an important relationship, being ‘a little bit good’ isn’t enough reason to keep one. Zoom out and look at the big picture. If you feel miserable in the relationship more than you feel good, question your reasons for staying. If it’s because your toxic parent is old, frail, sad or lonely, that might be all the reason you need to stay, and that’s okay. If it is, own the decision in strength and put limits on contact or how much you will give to the relationship. You’re entitled to take or give as much to the relationship as you decide. Just whatever you do, do it deliberately, in strength and clarity, not because you’re being manipulated or disempowered. The shift in mindset seems small, but it’s so important.
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Build yourself up.
Toxic environments are toxic to the brain – we know that with absolute certainty. The human brain is incredibly adaptive, and in response to a toxic environment it will shut down so as to protect itself as much as it can from the toxicity. When this happens, as it does during prolonged periods of emotional stress, the rate at which the brain produces new neurons (neurogenesis) slows right down, ultimately making people vulnerable to anxiety, depression, cognitive impairment, memory loss, reduced immunity, loss of vitality, reduced resilience to stress, and illness (research has shown that migraine and other pain conditions are more prevalent in people who were brought up in abusive environments, though the exact reason for the relationship is unclear).
We also know, with absolute certainty, that the damage can be turned around. Diet (omega 3, green tea extract, blueberry extract, reduced intake processed sugar and unhealthy carbohydrates), exercise (anything that increases heart rate), and meditation (such as a regular mindfulness practice) will all help to rebuild the brain and heal the damage done by a toxic environment. Increasing neurogenesis will help to build resilience, cognitive function, vitality and protect against stress, anxiety and depression.
Healing from a toxic parent starts with deciding that the lifetime of messages that have left you hollow or scarred are wrong. Because they are. It means opening a heart that’s probably been closed for way too long, and receiving the love, approval and validation that has always been yours to own. Sometimes, it means realising that parents break too, sometimes irreparably, sometimes to the point of never being able to show love to the people in their life who deserve it the most. Sometimes it means making the brave decision, in strength and with the greatest self-love and self-respect, to let go of the relationship that’s been hurting you.
Breaking free of a toxic parent is hard, but hard has never meant impossible. With the deliberate decision to move forward, there are endless turns your story can take. Brave, extraordinary, unexpected turns that will lead you to a happier, fuller life. It’s what you’ve always deserved. Be open to the possibilities of you. There are plenty.
I comment here a while ago. It takes a long time to heal. I was angry for a long time and wanted to make my mom pay for the things she did to me. I always knew she loved me. She was severely abused by her foster father. She had good intentions but a short fuse. She believes she suffers from complex PTSD.
She also beats herself up for things she did to me in the past. I don’t remember feeling unsafe as a child. I just remember her getting angry and flying into a rage sometimes after she passive-aggressively let me get away with a lot of things. Or just not having patience and understanding that children push boundaries and sometimes have a hard time learning.
After reading the book the four agreements it has really helped our relationship.
I no longer take anything she did personally. I freed myself from holding on to all the anger. I also try to teach her the principles from the book.
The part of the book that talks about the judge and the victim was really good. We punish ourselves and others thousands of times. We make ourselves and others pay thousands of times when we do something wrong. Animals pay once that’s it. We have to just realize that we do our best every day.
I know there are cases where there is just violence and hatred from a parent. My mom, though she was sweet and loving. She just had a problem of anger and impatience and would cursing and making assumptions and hit when really angry. She only did what she was raised with. Now she is better with my youngest brother at least she doesn’t hit him. She still has trouble with yelling.
Hi all.
Oh wow, it’s terrible how so many articles like this resonate with my own experiences with my mother… I’m 20 and for at least 7 years I have been at the receiving end of my mother’s toxic comments and negativity… I’ve always been scared of making mistakes, not being good enough, feeling the need to justify everything I do in the hope it’ll give me an easier time. Many times my mother has disregarded my need for boundaries and space, belittled my decisions and been the direct cause of a very depressed me at the age of 13. As much as I love her, I’ve vowed never to be like her when I have my own children as it hurts and I would never want my future children to feel the helpless emotions that I have felt over the years..
I’m 19. I moved out of my parents house two years ago and I still can’t seem to let go. I experienced a lot of verbal and emotional abuse, to the point where I’m not sure if I’m the toxic one or if it’s them. I now live with my boyfriend and for the sake of not being like my parents and not hurting him I’m realizing that I need to let go and maybe even accept what happened. I don’t have any contact with any of my parents. There’s this void that they left behind and I hate it. I know I don’t need them I’m trying to be fine without them, but for some reason my mind is still stuck in the past. This is the best article that I’ve read so far thank you so much!
Lizzie I chuckled at you describing my entire existence! Having coming to terms with who my 85 year aged mom is still haunts me. It does not help my older and younger sibling have a different (delusional/denial) perception of her personality than I do. I feel sooooooooooo guilty if I don’t call her, much less go see her (I do it out of obligation) they do what they want. Our phone calls seem strained because I have gone completely silent during her DAILY venomous gossip about EVERYONE including the dead! I am realizing I have engaged, and enabled her behavior in an attempt to be “liked” by her. Now realizing she does not love herself at all.
I WANT TO MENTION TO HER THE DEVASTATING IMPACT SHE HAS ON ME STILL TO THIS DAY 48 YEARS OF AGE. ANY ADVISE WILL BE APPRECIATED!
Its good to know I am not the only one who is suffering from the lifetime effects of a Narcissistic Mother. Not that Id wish that on anyone else!
I realised, only recently, that my 88year old (very strong and controlling) Mother has only ever provided me with ‘Conditional’love. My Mother is also a hypochondriac and has been ‘Sick’ during my whole life. Others were expected to do her bidding because her health and her life problems have always been more significant and worse than anyone else’s.
My Stepbrother was her Golden child and I was her scapegoat.
At the age of 64 I am now emotionally drained from trying to help her but it never being enough.
Her constant criticisms and nasty tempers have drained me. I have tried creating borders but she is happy to give me the ‘silent’treatment for months on end.Its always me that squirms back again.
Im not a weak person and I feel so much better (during the day!)when I havent had to contend with her constant negativity.
But during the night I wake up with constant feelings of guilt.
My step father is 92 and is very frail. He has a daily Home care attendance. Hes a lovely man but he is also an enabler for my Mothers toxic behavoiur. Mainly for his own protection!
I need to protect myself by keeping away from my Mothers toxicity but I feel worried about them both.
I have been trying to contact my Mother but she is ignoring all my attempts (again).Of course its always my fault!
Even though I know she will never change and will continue to cause me emotional stress for the rest of her life. I really think she will be the death of me!
Any advice please?
Hi, Lizzie! Your story sounds very similar to mine. My mother was a lot like yours, although she passed away 9 years ago. She made my life a living hell, through my childhood, adolescence, subsequent marriage (and divorce) and having my children. I’m 54 now, and through unfortunate life circumstances living with my 88 year old dad who is frail. I’m here trying to re-build my life and also help be a caregiver for him, along with trying to help my 52 year old brother who has a lot of issues, including anger issues. It’s been toxic beyond belief but in some ways it’s been ironically good for me because I’ve learned enough to set healthy boundaries and get stronger. However, enough is enough and I’ve realized I need to do more for myself with the life I have left. I need to develop skills and find a good career, etc…I know all about the guilt! It was ingrained in me from the time I was born. What has helped me is reading, reading, reading – wonderful articles like these, getting counseling, watching videos about the subject of toxic parents, and trying like crazy to include more positive, healthy people in my life. Toxic people don’t want us to change, grow and be happy. You have a right to these things. It doesn’t matter how old we are – we can start right now! You are couragous and beautiful, Lizzie. Many people couldn’t have endured what you did and still come out a beautiful, kind, empathetic person. Just try to give yourself what you give others, as will I. Together as a community we can help each other get even stronger! I feel some days like my dad will be the death of me, too….Both my parents have cluster B personality disorders (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and it can be brutal. I would say gain as much knowledge as you can on the subject, because it could well be that your mother has this disorder….Or she might have another cluster B disorder like being a Borderline. You didn’t cause this disorder and you’re not to blame for it (whatever disorder she has). You didn’t cause it, nor can you cure it. I think only at this age (54) have I finally realized that I’ve been fighting THEIR “demons” my whole life, and I don’t have to do that anymore! You don’t either. You’re obviously a courageous, loving, kind human being and you need to be reassured by others that you are worth more than what you’ve been told your whole life. Love and blessings to you!
Hi Lizzie, I can’t imagine what it would be like if my mother were still alive. She died four years ago and I only found out earlier this year that she emotionally and psychologically abused me all my life. I instinctively did the right thing by leaving my country of origin in my late twenties (I’m 57), and then having to go even further away, ending up at the opposite end of the world, literally. All that I did subconsciously to escape her, but still playing the good girl when I visited and rang her every week. But at least I had control over that and was able to put on the ‘show’ to contain her rage, anger, misery and constant guilt tripping. I felt nothing when she died and didn’t shed a single tear, and I felt guilty for that and thought something was wrong with me. I also felt a great sense of relief, which should have told me something back then. I confronted my father this year, the enabler who only cared about himself, even though he called her cruel and poisonous when I was younger and still living at home. I wrote him a very respectful letter, trying not to upset him, and only got minimising (it wasn’t all bad) and denial, just so he doesn’t have to face up to the truth himself. I have been in therapy which really helps, but there is also a good book by Sue Pegg, called ‘Daughter Detox’, which is really really helpful and supports what is happening to us with supporting scientific evidence, explaining the feelings we don’t allow ourselves to feel so well. It all comes down to accepting that your parent(s) will never change and that it is entirely up to you to take control of your own life. You owe it to yourself to be kind and compassionate to yourself. You are not what these people tell you you are! The guilt has been drummed into you from a very young age and it is really hard to practice some self care when you have been brainwashed from such a young age. But you can, with a lot of patience and self care, grow as a person and end up seeing yourself for what you really are. You might have to make a decision to go no contact, or to be the one in charge of how much and when the contact happens, including leaving when she becomes abusive. It’s your life, don’t take the abuse from her. You will get there, but it takes time. It will change your life in a way that you never thought possible, even though the pain and hurt will rear its ugly head from time to time, and that’s ok, because that’s also part of who and what we are. Wishing you all the best.
I cut my mother out completely…once I realized that there will never be an apology for the neglect and abuse, exploitation, I stopped caring. However, I struggle with loneliness as I never really had parents. My alcoholic stepfather was terrorizing us and my biological father, whom I met 3 times in my life died when I was young. It is exhausting to make all decisions alone..I never had support or mentorship from anyone other than my husband and friends. I had panic attacks all my life and with all these circumstances, I now don’t live up to my own expectations. I work but don’t have an interesting or rewarding career and I am quite bitter that my dysfunctional upbringing took away a “normal” life, career, children. I moved into a different country to get away from my family. I have always felt flawed or lesser than my friends who had normal upbringings/family. I have given up on my mother because she is getting worse with age and still doesn’t reflect on her actions at age 70. I have flashbacks and am finding itbhard to control them…memories…like when she screamed at me because I had broken my leg instead of being supportive, or worse, when I was locked alone into an apartment frequently for days on end as a toddler without food or water. How does one ever get over that without feeling sorry for oneself?
This is an Above-FANTASTIC Article.
Rating: 150/100
I am so glad that I found this site. I think one of the worst things about childhood abuse, when it is not physical or sexual, is that people just don’t ‘get it’. When you try to explain about the constant criticism, constantly being told that nobody likes you, being stopped from doing the things you’re good at, being lied about, being told you’re useless and you’ll end up with nothing and no one! The list of verbal and mental abuse just goes on and on and on. But somehow, you’re still made to feel like the hard hearted bad person because you’ve made a decision to try to rebuild your life, and the only way you can do that is to cut all ties and discommunicate from the constant, never ending torrent of abuse and mental torture. Even counsellors don’t really seem to understand. But you do, because you’ve been there. It’s so nice to know that I’m not crazy and other people have made this dreadful, hurtful and, at first, debilitating decision to cut off from a parent. The Bible says we must honour thy mother and thy father. I hope that God understands why we really can’t do this.
to Aus_woman33: Yes, having a hard time making a decision can be a typical symptom of childhood issues. This can be related to not being connected to one’s gut and not really knowing what one feels at any one time because as a child you were not allowed to feel your own feelings or were not celebrated for your choices. That can leave us constantly questioning our choices and instincts. Also, on your second point, yes, that is why the term “Adult Child” is used by many. Hope you can get some help with these things!
Thanks AM, I definitely am receiving some help. I’m glad my thoughts about ‘adult child’ are not nonsense, sometimes it is amazing to learn something i think and feel is actually connected to my upbringing and it’s my own failing!
Hello community! It’s been a long time since I posted. I’ve been doing well in my recovery. One thing I am finding though is that I need to make some decisions in the next year or so about where to live and send our oldest child to school. We could stay where we are, go more urban, or rural, lots of choices. I find it very difficult to work out what I want. Secondly I often feel my image, life and house reflect a child, like I don’t come across as a grown up 35 yr old woman with two kids. Can anyone relate?
Hi – yes! There was never any evidence of me other than my bedroom when I was a child and although I’ve got my own home now (and have had for years) I am aware I struggle to use it fully. I’m even writing this sitting on my bed in the daytime. few people ever cross the threshold and I am so aware it does not really seem like a grown-up’s house. AM is right about the Adult Child bit which I’d never really twigged before – I’d just thought it meant adult who had parents who were toxic rather than ‘adult child’.
Ps. was your second actually born on your mother’s birthday in the end? Congrats and pleased all going well.
HI Jess, thank you. Glad I’m not alone. I actually missed AM’s comment below, not sure how. I look around my house and partially I see a mess because my husband isn’t tidy, but also I see a lot of inherited furniture, things that don’t match, things I’ve been given but don’t love. It’s frustrating. I don’t feel empowered and I also don’t like to spend money unnecessarily
Yay! Congrats on taking these first steps! I stopped speaking with my parents a year and a half ago. Mentally prepare yourself that you probably will feel guilty and others will probably try to guilt you into communicating with them but stay strong and over time it will get easier. Even my best friend used to try to get me to communicate with them but I resisted. And over time she understood my side more and more. It takes time for things to be revealed and clarity and understanding to be had. When you feel weak, refer back to this site and these post for support. But go to therapy if you can afford it. Within these post are different self help books which are tremendously supportive and validating too. I recently let my parents know that if they go to therapy weekly for five months, I will communicate with them again. I am worth five months of therapy. Sadly I do not think they will go but are enjoying the freedom of the ball no longer being in my court. I waited to suggest this when the opportunity organically presented itself and the time was right. Hope this helps!
Today I did what I never thought I’d be able to do. I confronted my parents about our toxic relationship. Their abuse was more mental and emotional, though my dad once nearly cracked my skull open with his fist whenI was a teen and ever since I flinch when a guy raises his voice or a hand, even when not in an angry tone or even directed at me. I got tired of feeling worthless, stupid, and like I was losing my mind. I was tired of being guilt tripped for refusing to move in with them when I got out the military. I hated being told that I was just jealous of my older brother when ever I had an anxiety attack or an emotional breakdown. I was tired of being berated and seeing them act like my husband didn’t exist. They refused to see it and somehow got the idea in their heads that I was simply being rebellious and that my husband kidnapped me. Take note that I’m 27 years old with a 2 year old son and husband who supports me no matter how I decided to handle my parents. I stopped talking to them, and went as far as to block them on facebook. I haven’t blocked their numbers yet. I feel so very empowered and that a massive weight is over my shoulders. But now I can’t stop dwelling on the whole thing and can’t sleep. I’m not going to give in and let them back in my life. But still feel guilty for it having to come to this because I do still love them. My anxiety is still through the roof, though not as bad as it was when I first confronted them. Now its more fearing the rest of the family and damily friends are goung to try to talk me into reconsidering and refusing to even hear my side of the situation.
Hiya, your story is so similar to mine. I was 27 years old with 2 years old child. Now I’m 35 years old with 3 children. My husband is very supportive. My mum is narcissistic, I did not realised this until April this year. She controlled me, mentally and emotionally abused me. I have read books, I was listening to the doctor, other therapists, and the only solution I come up with- save yourself and your child and husband. Your parents will only get worse. They will NEVER change. I had nightmares, depression, anxiety to the roof. I got medication to help me to cope. After months I feel better now. I have accepted the fact that it NEVER was my fault. It was theirs. I realised I deserve better life. My children deserve better life. My family is toxic and their poison will kill me eventually.
So live your life. Accept the fact you have done nothing wrong. Don’t feel guilty. They are like snakes.. and you would not let snake in your house. They are not cute bunnies. I was sick of hearing that it’s my fault, that I’m jealous of my sister in law and my brother, that I’m black sheep of the family(I have don’t nothing wrong) I graduated from University. I taught myself 3 languages. My mother never supported me, helped me, hugged me, or let me cry. The list goes on… My family tried to interfere in my marriage too. Talk to your doctor, get some mental support and move on with your life. You will meet new people in your life, make friends and they will become your extended family. Your family should love you and support you, not destroy you…good luck
omg I am so utterly disturbed by this article; it is almost as though my body is reacting ahead of my brain; becuase an inner knowing is making me hyperventilate, shake and react with fear….. I do not remember any of the negative parts of my childhood becuase they happened between the ages of 2 and 4 and so I cannot remember what happened – I only know the facts which dont carry any emotion becuase the are simple facts – While my mm was going through a bad time I lived with extrended family I was taken to some relations I didnt know, when I was aged around 1 or 2 and I was left there for 6 months….. This never felt like anything becuase I dont remember it happening but after reading a few books that all said the same thing; I must have gone through some sort of emotional upset and t must have stayed with me becuase suddenly I feel that that might be a reason why I act in such an extreme way over small things…… I would really appreciate your thoughts becuase your article has had a huge affect on me. With thanks,
Just keep in mind that there are many reasons people might have reactions that are out of proportion to the incident that triggered it.
These comments allow you to see that you are not alone and it does not matter if you are black, white, etc. we all come from broken background and most of us don’t talk about it. It doesn’t really start to show until our adult years….but if you are fortunate enough to pick up on signs of childhood emotional neglect; you can see that the person right next to you has even been effected someway, somehow. Find help, don’t give up. No matter how long you’ve delt with hard times…keep working at it to make life better, it’ll eventually get better.
Cut the toxic people out, it’s going to be hard. Do one thing at a time.
My mother is so mean and hateful. So much to the point where I just want to cry. I am very strong so it’s shocking that all the abuse I have endure for so long still brings me to tears. I am going to college in a few week, very far from home which is intentional but I don’t know if I should bother including her in my life anymore. It breaks my heart but she hurts me in so many different ways and has done so for so long. I don’t know if I should try to rebuild our relationship while I’m away in college or if I would be better of cutting her out of my life. I get judged for the feelings that I feel regarding our relationship but no daughter should experience the abuse, belittlement and humiliation I do from my mom.
thank you Jaz for this story,
We have similar story, I’m 22.
but I think mine is worst ,she throughs insults morning,till late, she’s so evil,I hate her,can not lie,i hate her,her presence just make me feel ….(i dont know the correct word) thats how annoying i am
Everyday when she comes from work ,i put o my headsets pretend i’m listening to music,I pray to God everyday not to say anything bad ,she’s my mother. I finished school last year Im now staying at home full time.its not easy to get a job,
The way i so despite her i am even planning to buy a house and go stay with my dad,we get along .I want to disown her.SHES doing too much damage in our lives.
You’re escaping the abuse to start a better life. Don’t bring the abuse with you. If your mother is toxic, let it go. I wish I would have had that opportunity. I’m now 52 and was stupid enough to join households so she wouldn’t be alone and wouldn’t be stressed at not being able to support herself in reasonable comfort. HUGE MISTAKE! She has taken that to mean that I am obligated to support EVERYTHING she does. She pays for absolutely nothing. I cut her off at one point (I tool HER car payment out of HER bank account) and she told my kids I was a thief and no better than a welfare case. I relented to save my kids from having to hear her nonsense. SECOND HUGE MISTAKE! It has now evolved into I buy every damn thing or she yells at me AND my kids about how I would be on welfare if it wasn’t for her (I have a doctorate degree, she barely finished high school), that I’m ungrateful, I should be ashamed that I’ve left myself go (I’ve had four kids, I’m 52, and I hurt my back while serving in the military), etc. . . I should have turned away and never looked back. Don’t make my mistake. I would throw her out now, but I know she’ll never be able to support herself. I keep it going not for her, but for my own kids. I don’t want them to see that I got fed up with their grandmother and threw her out — I don’t think that benefits them, either. I’m betwixed and between — not certain which is more damaging. Don’t make my mistake. Go! Enjoy your life! Make something of yourself. You’re capable and you deserve it. Don’t look back.
Hello lovely community. I haven’t posted in a while as I have been doing really well, emotionally detaching and becoming stronger. I’m now due to have my second baby any day. I think I’m in prelabour, so it could be next 24-48 hrs. Interestingly, tomorrow is my mother’s birthday. It feels like the ultimate challenge to accept the possibility of my child sharing her birthday. Being narcissistic, you can just imagine the joy and pride she’d feel if that happened. We are on civil terms and I am OK with where things are at on that front however the arrival of a new baby will require strict boundaries etc. I just wanted to share as most people do not understand why I’d be disappointed and anxious about the prospect of a shared birthday…
This is great to read as you just painted a perfect picture of my family , childhood was horrible , that man would use cable wires like three inter tiwngled together to beat me butt naked , when i think of it i hate him now , most of the things they got from me even without my consent i feel like they dont deserve i have been able to confront them and they can’t even talk to me i always tell them shame on them the other three whom they abused too are not even near where i am in life , growing up to know your family is evil is cruel
I noticed this article was first published in 2015 and has over 600 comments. I am reading some of the first comments and praying that many people have found peace and happiness. I searched online for answers and came across this piece and am relieved by the words of encouragement. At 54-years-old, I want to share with everyone what I am telling myself: “It’s never too late to love yourself and heal.” I do have thoughts of, “Why am I fully understanding this now? Why didn’t I accept this knowledge when it was first presented to me, many years ago?” Who knows. The point is that we are life-long learners and the mind grows forever. I wish you all the love and support you deserve. Remember you are not alone. Many more people will be thinking of you, even those that never comment. If we all think of each other and at the same time, love ourselves, we CAN heal. We are meant to “love” in this world and not be sad. And there is nothing “normal” about hurt. Many families laugh, love, and enjoy each other. If it didn’t happen for us until today, we are blessed with knowing we can have it from this day forward. We all have a chance. Thank you for listening. I have a “thing” about being heard. I like being heard. I have been missing it all of my life. Much love.
Your words helped me so much and you were heard. Thanks so much for letting me know I am not alone.
You are not alone and you are loved.
im crying but in a good way ❤️ we are not alone and you were heard ❤️
Thank you for taking the time to comment. I agree being heard has been an important part of my lesson as well. Thank you
Thank You for Sharing, Best wishes for Love & peace now. You deserve it and more
Thank you for sharing with us what most of us can relate. Thank you very very much:)
I’m having a hard time processing the reality of my childhood. My mother and father had stopped using drugs when I was 6 years old. They stayed clean and sober until I was 15. My dad started using meth again and left my mother for another woman he was using with. My mom went manic depressive and started using meth as well. My older siblings x3 were already moved put of the house and had children. They abandoned my mom in her time of need and were no where to be found until My older sister by 11 years went through the court system and took my younger sister age 11 out of the toxic environment but left me there. My mother trying to impress my oldest sister decided to start going to church. I was a straight A student and played varsity basketball, volleyball swimming and water polo. I was a peer counselor at my school my sophomore year, one of only 7 students who made it through the college course. One Sunday mom wanted me to attend a new church with her but I was too tired from the basketball tournament the day before and didnt have the energy to get up and go with her. So she brought a meth pipe into my bedroom to wake me up. I didnt know or think it was a big deal at the time as I had smoked pot a couple times by then. I was too young to have any memories from when they used meth when I was a child so I had no clue of the path she was leading me onto. So she got me high and we went to church. After that day she regularly smoked meth with me like it was nothing. At one point my father had come to the house and was smoking meth with mom and I and asking me to go beat up his girlfriend who was making his life hell. I was 16 at this point. My Junior year I was unable to keep my grades up high enough to play sports due to all of the late night staying up on meth with my mom and new friends she had made. I lost my full ride scholarship to davis university for swimming and I fell behind on credits so I decided I would try a continuation school to catch up. That lasted may e 2 months and I had dropped out of school completely. My 17th birthday my mother and her new boyfriend took me to a bar and told the woman it was my birthday. So she told me that I had to go shot for shot with her all night to celebrate. She of course thought it was my 21st birthday because my mom and step dad had brought me into the bar with them. So I ended up drunk as you can imagine. What I didnt understand at the time was that now everyone from the bar lnew I was 21 so I was allowed in anytime I wanted to go. One bar lead to another and by the time I was 19 I was still getting high with mom and I had started bartending at a local dive bar and became a regular at all the others in town. After that on birthdays I always said I was 21 again. There is so much more to the story but I just wanted to give you an idea of what I’m trying to process. Now I just turned 34 and as you can imagine my life has never been anything close to my dreams as a child. In fact its been one big messed up party with no meaning or true purpose. My mother still to this day takes pride in telling the story about getting me high to go to church that first day. Now my mother has dementia, she still uses meth and my step dad is paralyzed from a stroke. My siblings have chosen to ignore my mother all together, they dont even call to say hi once in awhile. I however cant help but continue to put myself aside to be there for her. Even though the way she treats me now is far from good. She is vindictive and manipulative and mean. She is hateful and full of spite. She blames everyone including me for the situation she is in, and still I can not find it in myself to think about my needs and wants for once in my life and leave her to her self created disasters as my siblings have always done. I recently started seeing a therapist as I have found myself depressed for the first time in my life. I dont feel its helping me that’s why I decided to look up how to process and let go of the hate I feel inside toward my mother, the resentments and move past it all to find my purpose. I’m still not sure how to do it but I realated to this arrival on So many levels that I decided to take a chance and leave this comment with the hopes that someone might be able to give me some kind of advise or point me to a starting point so that I might start to live a life for myself that I have chosen for myself with lurpose and meaning.
I finally decided to leave my toxic family for the sanctity of my marriage of almost 30 years. I am almost 50 and you get to the point that enough is enough and life is better without them. It took me almost 40 years to realize this and I regret I let it go on as long as I did. You have to love yourself enough to not allow people to hurt you emotionally and physically. You have to surround yourself with people that truly have your best interest at heart! I am in the process of finding those people now. I know God is good and he will bring positive people into my life we just have to have faith!
I love how you worded this! I am deciding the same. I realize that my error was not “leaving and cleaving” as is Scriptural, but I was raised to believe that that was only intended for sons, not daughters… daughter’s were to stay (entrenched/enmeshed) with their parents forever, even after marriage.
At age 45, in my 25th year of marriage, I choose to stop placing my parents and their/our relationship before my husband, my children and the wellbeing of my family. I choose to leave and cleave to my husband. Better late than never!
if you don’t like your therapist, then it is okay to stop seeing them. But you should definitely try out other therapists until you find one who can help you. It’s okay to be picky, but don’t give up on the search. Talking these things out can help you process the past in a new way.
I’m sorry for all you had to face in childhood. Your past does not have to haunt you, though it will always be an aspect that shapes the person you become. And that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
I really believe that people who face difficult pasts, and then respect themselves enough to work through them, become extremely empathetic and therefore very important members of society.
You deserve to feel love. You are valued. You are important.
you matter Stevie
Thank you
Stevie M. Please don’t do what I did and wait until you are 57 years old to make changes. I hope you are sober now dear. And I’m sorry to say this but your mother is toxic, and you need to stay away from that toxicity. I know it’s difficult. You feel sorry for her. But she’s going to continue to drag you down. I suggest you pray over this. The Lord will help you find peace. You won’t feel as alone in your decision. I know this because this is what I have done. and I am sober now. And I’m not dealing with the daily toxicity from my mother any longer. I have found peace. Stevie, you will be in my prayers. Don’t be afraid.
Stevie you are a strong person and thanks for sharing your story. It does help me and i am sure many others not feeling alone.
Thank you….I needed to say it out loud and sense I posed this things have changed a bit. Ill update my story soon.
You are so courageous for sharing your story. My own narcissistic mother has bullied me into keeping all the experiences I lived through a secret, and went bonkers when she found out I actually shared my true life story with my husband. How could I betray her like this? You have shown your incredible capabilities during the times that you excelled at sports and school and worked as a counselor with others. Those qualities and abilities are inside of you today because THAT is who you are. someone who is strong and capable. you may be your mother’s daughter but that’s just one aspect. if you choose to wear that as your only label, you may miss out on all the other facets of yourself. Sometimes, people who are supposed to love us are just in a lot of pain and pull us down so the blow hurts them less when shared. I am struggling to remember this myself, that I am worthy of love and support even when my mother tries to undermine my opportunities for love and support. because it’s all about her and how she looks. Well, it’s not about her. And your life is not about your mother’s life either. unless you allow it to be. it’s great you have tried therapy, and hopefully you will find the therapist and type of therapy that’s right for you. Our moms may never give us the love that all children deserve, but maybe we can remember that that doesn’t mean we aren’t worthy of love. Maybe we can learn how to love and accept ourselves.
Thank you for your words. I hope that this in someway helps someone else not to feel alone in their struggles.
I feel for you. Your siblings are protecting themselves from your mother and so should you. It’s so hard – I have just read this article for the same reason as you – trying to decide whether to cut my mother out of my life too. I have read so much and searched so far to try to find resolution to my problems with my mother and I highly recommend John Bradshaw’s works on healing the shame that binds and healing the inner child. He is a pioneer in this work. Good luck finding your true self and purpose! Hugs!!
Thank you. I know what has to be done but it still hurts.
Yes it will still hurt, It will always hurt, but eventually less and much more manageable as you will find yourself actually growing. Especially when you surround yourself with people who actually care, and value you as a human.
The guilt trip is a serious weapon, see it for what it ACTUALLY is. What may help is this; have you noticed your parent feeling guilty for their shit throwing? no, i bet you haven’t, its easier for them to blame you right? case closed.
There is NOTHING to feel guilty about, all you are doing is providing boundaries to support your own health. Caused by the selfish abusive careless nature of those who were supposed to give you this growing up – you’re doing their work. THEY SHOULD THANK YOU!
of course I know this guilty feeling and why its there, you’re empathetic, which is what makes you a great target for them. you are ( as you have the right to) making better choices for yourself.
Be proud of yourself that despite the odds, here you are making better choices because you can 🙂
Stevie, you were Are awesome.
That is why your mother who failed tried to make you fail too.
She is sick and you, like most beautiful people are very very sensitive. That’s why you keep on caring for her. But also because just like drugs, you are addicted to carrying her pain as if it was yours.
I hope one day you get the reflex to just let go look at it from above. Dissect the situation like it’s not your own. Because it really is not.
I loved reading your piece and I wish you every beautiful thing this world has to offfer.
Hi Stevie,
I’m not sure if you will ever see this comment but your story is incredible. You have an amazing internal strength.
Maybe you could write a book?
I would encourage you to keep reaching out until you find a counselor you can connect with it’s so beneficial when you have the best support in place for yourself life can truly get so much better.
I started small one day when I realised I couldn’t write anything down that I enjoyed or brought me happiness. I was so disconnected from myself and I was devastated by that. It took me almost 2 weeks to write a small list of things than I made time to do those things for me… it was the start of me finding myself again. I hope you find that 🙂
Thank you very much for your comment. If it might help someone going through the same type of life altering realizations and changes then maybe a book is a great idea.
The happiest time in my life was the time I spent away from my toxic mother, it’s sad to say but it will not change her one bit. You may eventually run back because the guilt you carry but she will remain exactly the same . So my advice is to walk away and take care of yourself for a while.
You are amazing! The fact that you’re aware and accept the reality of the effects all this has scarred you with is huge in your ability to heal. You have to break free from the people and environment that are the source of the toxic programming these experiences gave you. Then therapy and you will make progress. It is so difficult but absolutely necessary to do without guilt so you can save your life. If not there’s a good chance you end up institutionalized, miserable, and/or dead.
Parents
Enough is Enough!!
I am with absolute, at the end of my ropes with the two human beings who created me. So much so, I can no longer bring myself to call them “my parents”.
I stand here today, age 35, a married “only child”, with 5 beautiful children of my own. I am stronger than I was yesterday, but I find myself becoming more angered and confused as the days go on.
For the past 26 months, my family has had to endure endless emotional suffering, extreme financial losses, and an abundance of ridicule, lies, and shame behind the two people who were once considered my “mother and father”.
You see, my entire life I suffered from emotional and physical abuse from a man (my so-called father) who took his anger and stress out on myself and my mother. My mother, who I begged to leave him/divorce him, who knowingly and willingly allowed the suffering to continue, all while justifying and excusing his evil behavior. In turn, blaming “me” for making his anger rage, their marriage struggle, or their finances fall apart. I was the blame for everything, or so it seemed…
I was a good child. Hell, I was too fearful not to be. I was controlled in every way, so that I did not shame or embarrass my parents. Grounded all of the time, confined to my room so that I could not be a burden. I felt like a modern day Cinderella and I knew my father hated having a child. He just wanted to be married, alone with his wife.
My mother, she was nothing like “him”. A caring, soft spoken, loving woman who just tried to keep peace in the home. The person I believed to be my best friend, the one I thought I could always count on, the one I once believed was a victim just like me… my “mother”.
As time went on, into my adulthood, I saw how weak she was. I saw how easily manipulated she had become. I saw her believing her own lies and his lies, until one day she became a spitting image of “him”.
My whole life seemed to shatter. Here I was, a victim… I knew I was!! I just thought we both were?!? How can she be just like him?
My mother is a people pleaser. She buys her friendships (my parents are extremely well off), she lives a lie to make herself, her marriage, her life look so pleasing and desirable. They both do. Their marriage feeds off of showing others how they are picture perfect soulmates and they live such an amazing life.
To the public’s eye, my parents are extremely likable, and the cutest couple. They are giving, helpful, nice, and personable. Only a selected few know the real truth. But those people will never voice it. Why? Because my parents, especially my father, will have you in fear of what will come, if u do…
So who are those selected few, too scared to speak up? Family. And a select few who have gotten a bit too close, and took a peek inside. But once that day comes, those people are quickly outcasted, cut off, and disowned. But it doesnt stop there. The minute you realize who my parents really are, they will turn on you and quickly turn everyone against you. It’s all a sick twisted game.
For years I tried to snap my mom out of the fog. Again, trying to believe she was a victim herself. Trying to believe that she was just too far gone to see the truth.
After many heart to hearts with her, I began to realize, she was really just a master manipulator by victimization. A Pathetic excuse for a mother.
I guess I was blinded by the love I once had for her. The way I adored her giving spirit, motherly ways, and the want to help others. Only now, as an adult, do I see the truth behind all the fairytail lies and clouded beauty.
Like most narcissists the fakeness they exhibit to the public, distant family, and so-called friends, is a display only to boost their own ego. Those 2 only care about eachother.
By 2015, they had disowned almost their entire family, keeping only a selected few around. Everyone close to them was outcasted, financially cut off, mocked, shamed, gossiped about… life became hard and I knew I was walking on eggshells myself.
That same year, I finally took a stand. It isnt right, I told them… I am an adult, a mother, a wife!! I make my own path, make up my own mind, and so be it if u dont agree or want to be a part of it. I told them they were wrong. I told them they need to stop hurting others. I told them “no more”!!
In 2015 my life came crashing down…
My parents stole our home away from us, as we foolishly allowed them to put it in their names. They evicted us. They disowned us. They began rumors about us. They turned people against us. They tried to turn our own children against us.
We stood tall!! We moved away!! We picked up the pieces and re-built our lives!! We didnt retaliate!! We pushed forward!! Our family was stronger than ever!! We felt great…
BOOM!!… now we end up in court. I guess we were doing “too good”, “too fine”, we were “too happy” for their taste.
A few weeks ago, after 26 months of fighting these people in court, over “grandparent visitations”, we won. Oh, but by no means… because the judge “agreed or liked us”… no no!! Remember, my parents are rich, my parents are likable, my parents are master manipulators!!… we didnt win because the judge saw “the truth”, we won because he had no choice, by law. But still, for 26months, the judge allowed my parents to still mess with us, ridicule us, ruin us financially, and take precious time away from our family, to fight them in court. I have no words.
With court over, u think we would be happy, u think we would rejoice in the win. We can’t. They wont leave us alone!! Emails keep coming, the fear of more court cases being opened keeps us on edge, and today they just popped up on my oldest daughter at school.
There are no boundaries with a toxic parent. Even when u want to move on, they won’t allow it. I just want to be free. I just want out. I want to heal in peace. Is that asking too much?
Hi Aus_woman! Thank you so much for your response! I appreciate it. I have distanced myself from my parents. Around a year now. And despite that distance and intense therapy I still feel resentment. Like I have been held back in life by them. I am ready to not feel that resentment anymore. If you or anyone else has suggestions in regards to that.
I just pulled out old pics to hopefully make a vision board to help me heal from victimhood and resentment. When I pulled out a pic of my mom I felt like I was looking at the devil herself. It’s been 3 years since I have seen my mom and 1 year since I have spoken with her. I’m not really on social networking so I don’t see pics there either. Ugh…. does this situation resonate with anyone? We’re you able to get passed it?
Whenever a relationship dynamic makes you feel hurt, diminished or that your wellbeing is not respected, your gut instinct and need for inner peace and stability will prevail and guide your level of tolerance. Forgiving and trying to understand that ppl. whose pain and old traumas blind them its very important to heal ourselves; nobody should pay nor carry other ppl.’s burdens. Just focus your core energy in your emotional health and dedicate it instead in finding nurturing educated good support. Best of lucks in your path AFTER your prior existance.
I’m 35 years old, I had a neglectful and toxic mother all my life. At 22 years old I left native Poland and moved to UK, I found a loving husband and have 3 wonderful children. My husband has opened my eyes about my mum for so many years but nothing could get through to me.. I left the country but I kept ringing her to keep the contact.. she would manipulate me, wreck my marriage, will send me to hell (because I don’t go to the Catholic Church any more), she would criticise me about any choice I make, when she visited she controlled how much tv we can watch, and tried to tell me that my husband is bad( he is not, very loving, supportive). My childhood memories: criticising me for every little thing, never helped with school work, but expected do be done, she lost me twice, she did not watched me when I was 4 and I wondered off, she would embarrass me in front of other members of my family, would dress me with my brothers old clothes, she never hugged me, or told me she loves me or is proud of me… list goes on.. and I kept ringing her as an adult from a different country, sending packages, and she made me miserable… I’m ready to let go off her, I suffered so much, and it’s time to be strong enough and not to let her to rule anymore and to control me. The pattern has to stop. Adding to the story, my eldest brothers physically hurted me when I was young, and when I told my mum, she would say it’s your fault, or nothing happened. I had anger issues all my life and I know it’s down to them, and for me as a child not be able to stand up for myself, having nobody to shield me and to love me. I’m also an artist, I paint paintings for the last 7 years and sell them in my online shops, my mum told me to stop this hobby and get a proper job- factory or supermarket it’s her favourite. For anyone reading this- don’t let people like my mum ruin your life and tell you how to live. It’s time to heal from toxic parents..
I agree with ilo, it starts with self respect, which is very hard to master when you’ve been raised by narcissists. I have done a lot of reading, talking with psychologists and of course being active in this thread, and I am making progress. However, it is two steps forward, one step back. Be gentle on yourself Robin, it is not easy.
Has anyone had success moving forward when they had been extremely held back from their parents?
To have success separating yourself from any kind of years of abusive treatment is going to depend, a) on how well you heal yourself with determination and a new attitude of self respect and self love. b) if you get educated on how people who have been in this type of psychological abuse have to struggle to stay awaken to detect and then reject such behaviour in their new liasons, and no allow the same pattern of weakness to fall into the same again. Being respected has to begin with how healthy one is in the emotional aspect. Wishing you well. Blessings
This message is for Robin dated April 8th, 2018. Your question was: ‘Has anyone has success moving forward when they had been extremely held back from their parents?’ My answer is yes. I have cut all ties to my emotionally abusive Father for the past 3 years. My disfunctional Mother past away in Aug of last year. During the seperation, I have lost my entire family in the process, due to my decision to not to care for my parents any longer (after over 10 years of service to my parents), leaving all decisions for their care, doctor’s apts., hospital stays,cleaning house, bathing my Mother, meals, putting up with my sarcastic, demeaning rude, abusive cruel drinking Father, which obviously enraged them, because now THEY have to do something ( I had devoted many years of care to them both. With my heart wide open and ready for the challenge and hoping with age that they had changed somewhat from my childhood…Not so!). My Father with overwhelming emotional and drinking problems and my Mother who had Macular Degeneration, severe ostyoperosis and could not walk, care for herself and was bound to a wheelchair. Needless to say, neither of my other two sisters were willing to “do their part”by showing up for holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. One sister not showing up but once every year or two, (with her extended family/children in tow (for support). The other, so self absorbed, showing up ‘when it was convenient for her, but never at the right times. Neither sisters,ever asked me how I was doing or asking if I needed any emotional support from them. When at my most stressed, I would call and hear ‘I don’t have time for this right now’, while the other sister was totally disconnected. During this time, I began to suffer from Heart issues (Cardiomyopathy/pacemaker/defribulator, hyperthryroid issues, had ten stomach procedures in one year due to stress related non cancerous growths. Anxiety, trouble sleeping (later diagnosed with PTSD due to childhood abuse/neglect). My point is….If you love yourself at all, you will decide whether it is worthwhile to stay in any toxic relationship if it can cause you irreversible physical,and emotional hardships. What would your advice be to your best friend if he or she were in the same situation? You have NO obligation to those who do not value you or respect you. Run as far and as fast as you can until you are able to heal yourself completely, because devestration and grief will follow (which takes time). Then decide if it is worth it to you and your own family to continue to subject not only yourself, but all of them to such turmoil! I hope and pray that some of this information can help you in your decision making. Life is too short! I am 59 years old going on 75 (right now). Thank you for listening.
My mother is self center and will bend over backwards for anybody but me or my brother and our children. My father left when we were real little and stayed gone until I was 32, I am now 50. We never got a rea lanswer as to why he left. We are sure we have the answer but he would refuse to say anything negative about our mother. I am sure why he left but I don’t know why he stayed gone and I will never have that answer and I am ok with it. My mother still plays stupid as to why he left she says she doesn’t know. She however spent all her time after that sleeping with every guy that came along and didn’t care if they were married. My brother and I spent a lot of time with our grandparents. They molded us into what we are today. It is nothing short of a miracle. My mother remarried years later to a man who abused us. I finally questioned her about it last year and she acted like she had no clue. She asked why she never saw bruises and I explained it to her. She actually went to my brother and questioned him like at 50 years old I am goning to make this up. She got the exact same answer. My brother took the worst of it. Thereis so much more. Recently I asked her why she didn’t send her only great grand daughter her response made me want to vomit. All of this occured while I was having a manic high. It pushed me over the edge. I told my brother and he told me he is done and he is cutting her off. I am going to do the same but I am not sure how to handle it.
This is a very sensetive topic, very hard to deal with such, especially coming from the person who is suppose to love you whole heartedly. i always try to let go, but sometimes it hits me hard and makes me feel worthless.
I’m not sure how often this is accessed or if anyone is really reading these or giving a damn. I have a very toxic relationship with my father. Growing up, I was a daddy’s girl. My dad was (and still is) a heavy drinker. He had a rough relationship with his mother growing up. And over the course of my childhood, my father became very abusive to my mother: verbally and a few times physically. It just became progressively worse as I got older and started to have a different perception of my dad. He was loving and nurturing to me, but then as I started to speak up more about how I didn’t like how he treated my mother and defended her, he started to be verbally abusive with me. I’m 25 years old and I am unfortunately staying at home, rent free. But there is a cost I still pay. I still deal with abuse. And for some, you’re probably wondering why I haven’t left yet. I’m not financially capable to. I’m focusing on graduating college this spring and trying to collectively get myself together and go at a pace that’s comfortable for me. But I just can’t take it anymore. He has called me worthless. He has shamed me multiple times for having a bad attitude or not ever being enough in a sense. He is constantly comparing me to his mother as well, someone I’ve never met or known. This past Christmas ’17, he told me to my face he was done with me. And other hurtful things. And he knew this Christmas was a special one, but because of his selfish ways he lashed out on me. He never can apologize directly to my face, but has no problem charging me and raising his voice at me threatening to kick me out. I’m constantly living on egg shells. And on top of it all; I have no one I can turn to. I guess I’m here just to see if anyone else can empathize or get a sense with what I’m dealing with. Because I tell my friends and boyfriend was happening, but I feel like I’m just a broken record and make noise.
I just discovered your post, and so sorry what you’re facing. My family was verbally and emotionally abusive too. It’s hard to friends and others to understand the depth of pain such a background puts you through. I’d recommend getting hold of “Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life,” by Susan Forward. There are other good books, too. Make sure you do something good for yourself each day, including some kind of exercise. Walking, hiking and running helps me a lot.
Posting on this thread brings me a lot of comfort in knowing I’m not alone. Again I’ve received more communication which I have not replied to. In it my mother talks about wanting to get to know her grandchild and help me in my life. On the surface it all sounds so innocent, but again it’s another manipulation. I just want it to end. It is so heartbreaking to experience this, no matter how logical I can be about it now, and how much less it upsets me in the moment, I still feel sad and anxious about the whole situation. It’s helpful to reread the comments and know that I’m not alone in dealing with this awful situation.
How do you reset boundaries after they’ve been relaxed. My narcissist mum had surgery for cancer so I called her to check she was OK twice. She is now calling me every few days when we had limited it to no calls, email only. Do I say something or just ignore calls and email her or respond only to email? At the moment I’m ignoring calls and doing nothing else. I’m not going to explain the whole situation, those with narcissistic parents will get if
You know we get it! Its a sticky web! I would just answer the calls and emails when you want and don’t when you don’t. And not give it anymore thought. But easier said than done.
Thanks Robin. This is the crazy thing about it, it’s actually simple but the trauma and abuse make us not think normally at times. I always feel like I have to manage it somehow. But just ignoring calls is fine too. Thanks again ?
Now I’ve received a text message asking why I haven’t called her back and when she can call. Argh leave me alone!
You can block her number and only respond to emails. That is what I did for a while. Now I allow calls one day per week.
Stay strong! What do you do to remind yourself how toxic she is?
I don’t need much reminding! I just want her to back off. Nothing says back off no by silence but she isn’t like a normal person who will get that… She will just keep contacting me
Is there any way you can tell her you’re working until 11 p.m. and can’t talk, text, or make phone calls? If she asks where you’re working, just tell her you’re working as a private caregiver and can’t give out your client’s name, adress, and phone number because it’s confidential. I’ve been a caregiver for years and was able to lie and tell my narcissistic family that I couldn’t attend family functions because I had to work. It worked like a charm.
I’d rather say “I don’t wish to speak on the phone, you can email me if it’s important”. But I think at this point, I need to ignore her communication until she gets the picture.
I don’t work, I have a young child and she knows that
I remember you told me some time ago that you had a young son. If you ever wanted to use what I’ve suggested as an excuse, you could always tell her that the client is okay with your child being there while you work, and she just wants somebody she can trust. I know you’re in a difficult position, and I don’t envy you. But this seemed to be the only way for me to get out of talking to and seeing my family when I didn’t want to–which was most of the time. Good luck with everything.
thank you Elizabeth, you have a good memory. It’s a good strategy though I find with my mother any information I give her, leads to her asking more questions so I try to say as little as possible. It is hard!
And another phone call, ignored. I am really fed up with this, now I do feel more anxious because I know she will just keep pushing. I think I need to say something to set the boundary and then ignore. At least then I know I have been clear.
Stick with No Contact — no explanations are necessary. You get to decide your life even if it is to do nothing but enjoy silence away from any chaos — ahem.
I did NOT tell my live-in person that I was moving out and going NC. He left me many messages and texts for a few weeks, but I didn’t answer any of them (okay, one about 2 weeks later, but I didn’t answer his questions = excuses to embroil me again). Contact tapered off considerably the next few weeks to nothing within a month, until a “birthday” phone call 6 months after I left (he has a new supply source, or there may have been much more contact from him).
Depending on your mother’s visible supply source(s), she may disappear soon enough, or try harder to contact you (with no other prospects in sight). But every time you take her call or engage in some way gives her reason to believe she can rope you back into her chaostic world.
Hi Aus woman
I can truly feel what you are going through so just wanted to send some hug and sister love.
I get to the state I think you are, maybe far too often. In the heat of it I fail to realise it is yet another form of manipulation or a competition. Who is being tied in emotional knots here – us. Who is spending time worrying – us.
You seem to be clear on what you want which is a huge thing. State it in whatever way feels best then stop. Distract yourself with something nice – your little boy, for example.
I can’t remember now if the original article above included competition but I do think that more often than not the parent wants to win or to have the last word. My parent reduced me to tears on my birthday last year and I saw this look of triumph cross his face. In that moment all doubts I had about whether it was true toxicity left. He is now getting my cousin (the golden child and she’s not even his child!!) to do the dirty work and manipulate me – stupid me fell for that at first. I think the need to win is a big part of toxic parenting.
Be true to yourself. Don’t let your mother eat up more of your time. It’s ok to do that – you are the one who truly knows what she is like. Don’t doubt yourself!
I’d also counsel against the white lies Elizabeth suggested (no offence Elizabeth I do appreciate that that may be the what you absolutely had to do!) because I feel that it drags us into playing their manipulative games and also it can be hard work and will rebound on us if it is ever discovered.
Take care
I completely agree w no engaging in ‘small’ lies since this would be even more games. Once you learn how to forgive, understand the root of what caused parents the ignorance to manage relationships in such an unhealthy way, then one start feeling relief in the knowing, first, that it’s not your fault, second, you learn to choose how to only allow positive and respectful energies in your emotional conscience. Bless you all.
Ilo, I don’t think I can ever forgive. She’s done unforgivable things and continues to do so, so I don’t ever get the space to feel free of it. I appreciate what you are saying, I definitely understand more why she is the way she is, but there is no excuse for her behaviour and she could get help. There was a time when my parents divorced when she was in counselling (about 10 years ago) and she actually told the counsellor I was a bad person and made the counsellor CALL me to talk to me about it. Talk about manipulation. Obviously, I did not fall victim to this but it says a lot about her. She won’t change but I don’t have to be a part of it. Unfortunately, this current situation has happened because I did ‘the right thing’ in calling her after surgery, but clearly, that wasn’t right for me as it caused a complete underdoing of my boundaries. I’m under immense stress with my son and being pregnant.
Hi Jess, thank you. Yes my mother tries to compete, with me specifically, not so much others. My child had surgery yesterday and she sent me multiple text messages when I’ve told her to back off. It does cause me anxiety and it is not fair. I’m ignoring her now. I don’t care what she thinks or does, I’m not going to be manipulated into feeling bad. I can’t help feel a bit anxious, as I have a lot going on, but I can control the way I react and think about the emotions that come up. Thanks CBT… I have counselling this week thankfully after a few weeks where it was cancelled. Thanks again
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karenyoung_heysigmund
Boundaries aren`t requests we make of them. They`re the actions we take to keep them (and everyone else involved) physically safe, relationally safe, and to preserve values when they aren`t able to.
The rule: Phones in the basket at 5pm.
The boundary: (What I`m going to do when you`re having trouble with the rule.)
`Okay - I can see you`re having trouble popping your phone in the basket. I`m just going to sit beside you as a reminder that it`s time. Take your time. I`ll just watch over your shoulder until you`re ready. So who are we texting? What are we watching?`
Or:
`I know you hate this rule. It`s okay to be annoyed. It`s not okay to yell. I`m not going to listen while you`re yelling.`
Then, `This phones in the basket thing is chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. We`ll see how we go tomorrow and if it`s bumpy, we`ll shift to phones in the basket from 4:30pm. Let`s see how we go.`
It`s not a punishment or a threat. It`s also not about what they do, but about what we do to lead the situation into a better place.
Of course, this doesn`t always mean we`ll hold the boundary with a calm and clear head. It certainly doesn`t mean that. We`re human and sometimes we`ll lose our own minds as though they weren`t ours to own. Ugh. Been there too many times. That`s okay - this is an opportunity to model humility, repair, self-compassion. What`s important is that we repair the relational rupture as soon as we can. This might sound like, `I`m sorry I yelled. That must have been confusing for you - me yelling at you to stop yelling. Let`s try that again.`❤️
Nov 18
karenyoung_heysigmund
Boundaries are about what WE do to preserve physical safety, relational safety, and values. They aren’t about punishment. They’re the consequences that make sense as a way to put everything right again and restore calm and safety.
When someone is in the midst of big feelings or big behaviour, they (as with all of us when we’re steamy) have limited capacity to lead the situation into a better place.
Because of this, rather than focusing on what we need them to do, shift the focus on what we can do to lead back to calm.
This might sound like:
The rule (what we want them to do): Phones go in the basket at 5pm.
The boundary (what we do when the rule is broken), with love and leadership: ‘I can see you’re having trouble letting go of your phone. That’s okay - I’m just going to sit beside you until you’re ready. Take your time. You’re not in trouble. I’ll just stay here and watch over your shoulder until you’re done.’
Or …
‘I can see this phones in the basket process is dragging out and chewing into our night when we start it at 5pm. If that keeps happening I’ll be starting this process at 4pm instead of 5pm.’
And if there’s a bit of spice in their response, part of being a reliable, sturdy leader is also being able to lead them through that. Even if on the inside you feel like you’re about to explode 🤯 (we’ve all been there), the posture is ‘I can handle this, and I can handle you.’ This might sound like,
‘Yep you’re probably going to have a bit to say about it. That’s okay - I don’t need you to agree with me. I know it’s annoying - and it’s happening.’
‘I won’t listen when you’re speaking to me like this. Take your time though. Get it out of you and then we can get on with the evening.’
Then, when the spicy has gone, that’s the time to talk about what’s happened. ‘You’re such a great kid. I know you know it’s not okay to talk to me like that. How are we going to put this right? Let’s yet 5pm again tomorrow and see how we go. If it causes trouble we’ll start earlier. I actually think we’ll be okay though.’♥️
Nov 10
karenyoung_heysigmund
So ready to get started with ‘Hey Little Warrior’ in Melbourne. This is my fourth time this year presenting this workshop in Melbourne and we sell out every time.
So what do we do here?! We dive into how to support young children with anxiety. It’s my favourite thing to talk about. I love it. Even more than whether or not I want dessert. We talk about new ways to work with anxiety in littles so they can feel braver and bigger in the presence of it. This workshop is loaded with practical strategies. I love presenting this workshop.
(And yes - always yes to dessert. As if I would ever skip the most important meal of the day. Pffftt.)
@compass_australia
Oct 27
karenyoung_heysigmund
They’re often called sensory preferences, but they’re sensory needs.
In our adult worlds we can move our bodies and ourselves to seek regulation. If we don’t like noise we’re less likely to be DJs for example. If we don’t love heights we’re less likely to be pilots or skydivers. If we feel overwhelmed, we can step outside, go into an office, go to the bathroom, or pop on headphones for a break. If we need to move, we can stand, walk to get a tea. At school, this is so much harder.
When bodies don’t feel safe, there will be anxiety. This will potentially drive fight (anger, tantrums), flight (avoidance, running away, movement), or shutdown (in quiet distress and can’t learn).
These are physiological issues NOT behavioural ones.
Whenever we can, we need to support physiological safety by accommodating sensory needs AND support brave behaviour. What’s tricky is disentangling anxiety driven by unmet sensory needs, from anxiety driven by brave behaviour.
The way through is to support their physiological needs, then move them towards brave behaviour.
Schools want to support this. They want all kids to be happy and the best they can be, but there will be a limit on their capacity to support this - not because they don’t want to, but because of a scarcity of resources.
There will often be many children with different physiological needs. Outside school there is nowhere else that has to accommodate so many individual needs, because as adults we won’t be drawn to environments that don’t feel okay. In contrast, school requires all kids to attend and stay regulated in the one environment.
For now, we don’t have a lot of options. Yes there are schools outside mainstream, and yes there is home school, but these options aren’t available to everyone.
So, until mainstream schools are supported with the resources (staff, spaces, small classes, less demand on curriculum … and the list goes on), what can we do?
- Help school with specific ways to support your child’s physiology while being mindful that teachers are also attending to the needs of 25+ other nervous systems. But be specific.
- Limit the list. Make this a ‘bare minimum needs’ list, not a ‘preferences’ one.♥️
Oct 20
karenyoung_heysigmund
Brave often doesn’t feel like ‘brave’. Most often, it feels like anxiety. If there is something brave, important, new, hard, there will always be anxiety right behind it. It’s the feeling of anxiety that makes it something brave - and brave is different for everyone.♥️
#anxietyawareness #childanxiety #anxietysupport #anxietyinkids #parent #positiveparenting
Oct 18
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