by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher

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Facebook Live (During Isolation) – Anxiety, Big Feelings, Tantrums, Sibling Fights … and more.

Facebook Live

We covered a lot of ground in our Facebook Live. Here is the link to the replay on Facebook in case you missed it, with time notes so you can skip to the bits you want.

     

    Just in case you want to skip a bit …

    01:10   The ‘fight’ part of anxiety – tantrums, aggression, big feelings – why it happens and what to do.

    04:20  Big feelings are a call for us to come closer (even when they don’t feel that way).

    06:00  Why ‘little’ things can tip them over the edge, and how to respond.

    09:25  When their anxiety triggers ours – when we fight with them instead of for them – why, and what to do.

    10:50  The good news about self-regulation.

    16:05  How to manage transitions.

    18:10  Squabbling with your teen? This might help.

    18:50  The opportunities that sit inside anxiety/anger/big feelings.

    20:04  Adolescents, big feelings, regulation – what they need from us.

    22:50  When big anxiety looks like big fight.

    24:54  How it helps to ‘meet the energy with similar energy, but not similar anger’.

    29:10  How mindfulness supports a long term strengthening of the brain against anxiety.

    32:00  Dealing with other stressors on top of social isolation.

    33:35  How to expand the capacity to cope with anxiety and stress.

    35:15  When kids won’t talk about it.

    35:25  Why some kids might be regressing at the moment (clinginess, asking for help when they haven’t needed it before).

    40:00  Routines – how they help (and it’s okay if some slip).

    42:17  Why does my teen hear me as ‘angry’ when I’m not?

    46:37  How do we role model strength and calm when we’re feeling anxious ourselves?

    49:50  Sleep – strategies to help with peaceful pillow time.

    1:03:02  ‘Only children’ in social isolation.

    1:05:31  Dealing with sibling squabbles

    1:08:28  Social media and screen time.

     

    6 Comments

    gosia

    Only today I have found this wonderful video! Thank you so very, very much! I have been following you for a few years now (newsletter) and I have to say, that you are really looking after me! Both my husband and daughter have anxiety (ADHD spectrum) and so often I am so tired of arguments, shouting, and fragile egos… However, reading your letters always brings me a perspective, explanation, and compassion. Thank you very much for doing that, for all your work and connection.

    Reply

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    karenyoung_heysigmund

    Love and lead.

    First, we love. Validation lets them know we see them. Validation is a presence, not a speech. It’s showing our willingness to sit with them in the ‘big’ of it all, without needing to talk them out of how they feel.

    It says, ‘I see you. I believe you that this feels big. Bring your feelings to me, because I can look after you through all of it.’

    Then, we lead. Our response will lead theirs, not just this time, but well into the future.

    If we support avoidance, their need to avoid will grow. The message we send is, ‘Maybe you aren’t safe here. Maybe you can’t handle this. Maybe your anxiety is telling the truth.’

    Of course, if they truly aren’t safe, then avoidance is important.

    But if they are safe and we support avoidance, we are inadvertently teaching them to avoid anything that comes with anxiety - and all brave, new, hard, important things will come with anxiety.

    Think about job interviews, meeting new people, first dates, approaching someone to say sorry, saying no - all of these will come with anxiety.

    The experiences they have now in being able to move forward with anxiety in scary-safe situations (like school) will breathe life into their capacity to do the hard, important things that will nourish and grow them for the rest of their lives. First though, they will be watching you for signs as to whether or not anxiety is a stop sign or a warning. The key to loving bravely and wholly is knowing the difference.

    Teach them to ask themselves, ‘Do I feel like this because I’m in danger? (Is this scary dangerous?) Or because there’s something brave, new, hard, important I need to do. (Is this scary-safe?). Then, ‘Is this a time to be safe or brave?’

    To show them we believe they are safe and capable, try, ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can do this.’ Then, give them a squeeze, hand them to a trusted adult, and give them a quick, confident goodbye. Their tears won’t hurt them, as long as they aren’t alone in their tears.

    It doesn’t matter how small the steps are, as long as they are forward.♥️

    View

    Jan 28

    Open
    Love and lead. First, we love. Validation lets them know we see them. Validation is a presence, not a speech. It’s showing our willingness to sit with them in the ‘big’ of it all, without needing to talk them out of how they feel. It says, ‘I see you. I believe you that this feels big. Bring your feelings to me, because I can look after you through all of it.’ Then, we lead. Our response will lead theirs, not just this time, but well into the future. If we support avoidance, their need to avoid will grow. The message we send is, ‘Maybe you aren’t safe here. Maybe you can’t handle this. Maybe your anxiety is telling the truth.’ Of course, if they truly aren’t safe, then avoidance is important. But if they are safe and we support avoidance, we are inadvertently teaching them to avoid anything that comes with anxiety - and all brave, new, hard, important things will come with anxiety. Think about job interviews, meeting new people, first dates, approaching someone to say sorry, saying no - all of these will come with anxiety. The experiences they have now in being able to move forward with anxiety in scary-safe situations (like school) will breathe life into their capacity to do the hard, important things that will nourish and grow them for the rest of their lives. First though, they will be watching you for signs as to whether or not anxiety is a stop sign or a warning. The key to loving bravely and wholly is knowing the difference. Teach them to ask themselves, ‘Do I feel like this because I’m in danger? (Is this scary dangerous?) Or because there’s something brave, new, hard, important I need to do. (Is this scary-safe?). Then, ‘Is this a time to be safe or brave?’ To show them we believe they are safe and capable, try, ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can do this.’ Then, give them a squeeze, hand them to a trusted adult, and give them a quick, confident goodbye. Their tears won’t hurt them, as long as they aren’t alone in their tears. It doesn’t matter how small the steps are, as long as they are forward.♥️

    karenyoung_heysigmund

    I`m so excited to be speaking about separation anxiety at the Childhood Potential Online Montessori Conference.

    The conference will involve conversations with over 40 other experts, and will take place from 27-31 January 2025. This is for anyone who is an important adult to a young child or toddler.

    I`d love you to join me. See more here
    : http://childhoodpotential.com/?a_box=ncw8h43m&a_cam=1

    View

    Jan 28

    Open
    I'm so excited to be speaking about separation anxiety at the Childhood Potential Online Montessori Conference. The conference will involve conversations with over 40 other experts, and will take place from 27-31 January 2025. This is for anyone who is an important adult to a young child or toddler. I'd love you to join me. See more here : http://childhoodpotential.com/?a_box=ncw8h43m&a_cam=1

    karenyoung_heysigmund

    New, hard, important, brave things will always come with anxiety. It’s the anxiety that makes these things brave.

    The only way for kids to never experience anxiety is for us to never put them in front of anything growthful, new, hard, brave. They’ll never feel the discomfort of anxiety, but they also won’t grow and strengthen against it.

    We’ll never get rid of anxiety and we don’t need to. The key to strengthening young people against anxiety lies in helping them feel safer with it.

    Here are 3 ways to do that. First though, and most importantly, establish that they are actually safe - that they are relationally safe, and that they feel safe in their bodies.

    1. Take avoidance off the table. Avoidance makes anxiety worse by teaching the brain that the only way to stay safe is to avoid. Little steps matter - any step, even the tiniest, is better than none.

    2. Show them you can handle their anxiety and the big feels that come with it:

    ‘Of course you feel anxious. You’re doing something big. How can I help you feel brave?’

    Or, ‘I know this feels big, and it feels like you can’t. I know you are safe and I know you can. You don’t need to believe it because I know it enough for both of us. I know you won’t believe it until you see it for yourself. That’s okay, that’s what I’m here for - to show you how amazing you are and that you can do hard things. I can take care of you through the ‘big’ of it all. What’s one little step you can take? Let’s take it together. And don’t say ‘no steps’ because that’s not an option.’

    3. Help them understand why they feel the way they do when they are anxious, otherwise they’ll interpret sick tummies, sore tummies, racy heart, clammy skin, big feelings as a sign of deficiency or potential disaster. It isn’t. It’s a sign of a brain and body trying to protect them, at a time they don’t need protecting.

    As long as they are safe, the need to avoid is often more about needing to avoid the thoughts, feelings, and physiology of anxiety, rather than avoiding the thing itself. This is why the physiology of anxiety will continue to drive anxiety until we make sense of it. ‘Hey Warrior’ will help you do make sense of it for them.♥️

    View

    Jan 28

    Open
    New, hard, important, brave things will always come with anxiety. It’s the anxiety that makes these things brave. The only way for kids to never experience anxiety is for us to never put them in front of anything growthful, new, hard, brave. They’ll never feel the discomfort of anxiety, but they also won’t grow and strengthen against it. We’ll never get rid of anxiety and we don’t need to. The key to strengthening young people against anxiety lies in helping them feel safer with it. Here are 3 ways to do that. First though, and most importantly, establish that they are actually safe - that they are relationally safe, and that they feel safe in their bodies. 1. Take avoidance off the table. Avoidance makes anxiety worse by teaching the brain that the only way to stay safe is to avoid. Little steps matter - any step, even the tiniest, is better than none. 2. Show them you can handle their anxiety and the big feels that come with it: ‘Of course you feel anxious. You’re doing something big. How can I help you feel brave?’ Or, ‘I know this feels big, and it feels like you can’t. I know you are safe and I know you can. You don’t need to believe it because I know it enough for both of us. I know you won’t believe it until you see it for yourself. That’s okay, that’s what I’m here for - to show you how amazing you are and that you can do hard things. I can take care of you through the ‘big’ of it all. What’s one little step you can take? Let’s take it together. And don’t say ‘no steps’ because that’s not an option.’ 3. Help them understand why they feel the way they do when they are anxious, otherwise they’ll interpret sick tummies, sore tummies, racy heart, clammy skin, big feelings as a sign of deficiency or potential disaster. It isn’t. It’s a sign of a brain and body trying to protect them, at a time they don’t need protecting. As long as they are safe, the need to avoid is often more about needing to avoid the thoughts, feelings, and physiology of anxiety, rather than avoiding the thing itself. This is why the physiology of anxiety will continue to drive anxiety until we make sense of it. ‘Hey Warrior’ will help you do make sense of it for them.♥️

    karenyoung_heysigmund

    Anxiety is about felt safety. It doesn’t mean your young one isn’t safe. It means they don’t feel safe.

    The question then is, what would help them feel safer? This doesn’t mean anxiety will go away, and we don’t need it to. What we’re looking for is what would help you feel braver and safer, even when you’re anxious?

    It also doesn’t mean school is doing anything wrong. But maybe there are little shifts that will make a big difference.

    There will always be anxiety whenever there is something brave, new, hard, or growthful to do. But anything we can do to help them feel safer, will help anxiety feel more manageable, and hard things feel more do-able.

    So let’s have the conversation. What’s@one thing school could do that would help your child feel safe enough, so they could do brave enough. There are no wrong answers.♥️

    View

    Jan 19

    Open
    Anxiety is about felt safety. It doesn’t mean your young one isn’t safe. It means they don’t feel safe. The question then is, what would help them feel safer? This doesn’t mean anxiety will go away, and we don’t need it to. What we’re looking for is what would help you feel braver and safer, even when you’re anxious? It also doesn’t mean school is doing anything wrong. But maybe there are little shifts that will make a big difference. There will always be anxiety whenever there is something brave, new, hard, or growthful to do. But anything we can do to help them feel safer, will help anxiety feel more manageable, and hard things feel more do-able. So let’s have the conversation. What’s@one thing school could do that would help your child feel safe enough, so they could do brave enough. There are no wrong answers.♥️

    karenyoung_heysigmund

    One little brave step at a time. It doesn’t matter how big the steps are, or how long it takes as long as the steps are forward.

    The steps won’t always feel gentle. The big feelings that come with this won’t hurt them, as long as they are safe and they aren’t alone in their distress. Lead, with love. ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can do this. I’m right here with you. We’ll handle this together.’

    It doesn’t have to be you who is with them, as long as it is someone they feel safe with and care about by - a teacher, a relative, a grandparent - any important adult in their lives who can help them feel seen, loved, and safe through the storm.♥️

    View

    Jan 14

    Open
    One little brave step at a time. It doesn’t matter how big the steps are, or how long it takes as long as the steps are forward. The steps won’t always feel gentle. The big feelings that come with this won’t hurt them, as long as they are safe and they aren’t alone in their distress. Lead, with love. ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can do this. I’m right here with you. We’ll handle this together.’ It doesn’t have to be you who is with them, as long as it is someone they feel safe with and care about by - a teacher, a relative, a grandparent - any important adult in their lives who can help them feel seen, loved, and safe through the storm.♥️

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