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We can’t fix a problem (felt disconnection) by replicating the problem (removing affection, time-out, ignoring them).
All young people at some point will feel the distance between them and their loved adult. This isn’t bad parenting. It’s life. Life gets in the way sometimes - work stress, busy-ness, other kiddos.
We can’t be everything to everybody all the time, and we don’t need to be.
Kids don’t always need our full attention. Mostly, they’ll be able to hold the idea of us and feel our connection across time and space.
Sometimes though, their tanks will feel a little empty. They’ll feel the ‘missing’ of us. This will happen in all our relationships from time to time.
Like any of us humans, our kids and teens won’t always move to restore that felt connection to us in polished or lovely ways. They won’t always have the skills or resources to do this. (Same for us as adults - we’ve all been there.)
Instead, in a desperate, urgent attempt to restore balance to the attachment system, the brain will often slide into survival mode.
This allows the brain to act urgently (‘See me! Be with me!) but not always rationally (‘I’m missing you. I’m feeling unseen, unnoticed, unchosen. I know this doesn’t make sense because you’re right there, and I know you love me, but it’s just how I feel. Can you help me?’
If we don’t notice them enough when they’re unnoticeable, they’ll make themselves noticeable. For children, to be truly unseen is unsafe. But being seen and feeling seen are different. Just because you see them, doesn’t mean they’ll feel it.
The brain’s survival mode allows your young person to be seen, but not necessarily in a way that makes it easy for us to give them what they need.
The fix?
- First, recognise that behaviour isn’t about a bad child. It’s a child who is feeling disconnected. One of their most important safety systems - the attachment system - is struggling. Their behaviour is an unskilled, under-resourced attempt to restore it.
- Embrace them, lean in to them - reject the behaviour.
- Keep their system fuelled with micro-connections - notice them when they’re unnoticeable, play, touch, express joy when you’re with them, share laughter.♥️
Apr 13
Everything comes back to how safe we feel - everything: how we feel and behave, whether we can connect, learn, play - or not. It all comes back to felt safety.
The foundation of felt safety for kids and teens is connection with their important adults.
Actually, connection with our important people is the foundation of felt safety for all of us.
All kids will struggle with feeling a little disconnected at times. All of us adults do too. Why? Because our world gets busy sometimes, and ‘busy’ and ‘connected’ are often incompatible.
In trying to provide the very best we can for them, sometimes ‘busy’ takes over. This will happen in even the most loving families.
This is when you might see kiddos withdraw a little, or get bigger with their behaviour, maybe more defiant, bigger feelings. This is a really normal (though maybe very messy!) attempt to restore felt safety through connection.
We all do this in our relationships. We’re more likely to have little scrappy arguments with our partners, friends, loved adults when we’re feeling disconnected from them.
This isn’t about wilful attempt, but an instinctive, primal attempt to restore felt safety through visibility. Because for any human, (any mammal really), to feel unseen is to feel unsafe.
Here’s the fix. Notice them when they are unnoticeable. If you don’t have time for longer check-ins or conversations or play, that’s okay - dose them up with lots of micro-moments of connection.
Micro-moments matter. Repetition matters - of loving incidental comments, touch, laughter. It all matters. They might not act like it does in the moment - but it does. It really does.
And when you can, something else to add in is putting word to the things you do for them that might go unnoticed - but doing this in a joyful way - not in a ‘look at what I do for you’ way.
‘Guess what I’m making for dinner tonight because I know how much you love it … pizza!’
‘I missed you today. Here you go - I brought these car snacks for you. I know how much you love these.’
‘I feel like I haven’t had enough time with you today. I can’t wait to sit down and have dinner with you.’ ❤️
#parenting #gentleparenting #parent #parentingwithrespect
Apr 6
It is this way for all of us, and none of this is about perfection.
Sometimes there will be disconnect, collisions, discomfort. Sometimes we won’t be completely emotionally available.
What’s important is that they feel they can connect with us enough.
If we can’t move to the connection they want in the moment, name the missing or the disconnect to help them feel less alone in it:
- ‘I missed you today.’
- ‘This is a busy week isn’t it. I wish I could have more time with you. Let’s go to the park or watch a movie together on Sunday.’
- ‘I know you’re annoyed with me right now. I’m right here when you’re ready to talk. Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.’
- ‘I can see you need space. I’ll check in on you in a few minutes.’
Remember that micro-connections matter - the incidental chats, noticing them when they are unnoticeable, the smiles, the hugs, the shared moments of joy. They all matter, not just for your little people but for your big ones too.♥️
Mar 30
@resilientkidsconference is back! I love these events so much.
RKC is a one-day event for parents and professionals who live and work with kids and teens.
It’s a place where Australia’s leading parenting educators join forces to support you with practical tools and strategies, so you can better show up for this generation of kids.
Since 2016, RKC live events have attracted up to 800 attendees at a single event, so the vibe is wonderful.
It’s much more than a conference. It’s a community of people, redefining resilience together, and we want you to have THE BEST DAY!
Date: Sat 24th May 2025
Where: Nexus Auditorium, Everton Park, Brisbane
Tickets are now available for in person or online, and this year I’ll be joining 3 other brilliant speakers:
🌟 @michellemitchell.author will be kicking off the day with powerful ways to support kids and teens to face challenges when life feels tough. This session will dive into the real meaning of resilience —what it is, what it isn’t, and the impact caring adults can make on a child’s ability to adapt and grow.
🌟Steve Biddulph - The grandfather of parenting (and this decades best selling parenting author), Steve Biddulph’s Raising Boys will be joining us from his lounge room via zoom for his session.
🌟 @matt.runnalls from Mindfull Aus.
He will be like listening to the heart, needs and the words of your own child or adolescent, but with some age behind him.
🌟And of course, Me! I’ll be talking about Big Feelings and Big Behaviours. It is a completely different presentation to the one I’ve done in previous years at RKC. I’ll be applying neuroscience to make sense of all the behaviours and big feels you’ll see in your kiddos (and experience in yourselves!). You’ll leave feeling excited, validated, and more equipped to respond to your child or teen in those big moments, and strengthen your connection and influence with them.
I have so much affection and respect for all these speakers. It will be a fabulous day and I can’t wait.
Link to buy tickets is in my bio.♥️
Mar 27
