by Karen Young (BSc)(Psych)(Hons)MastGestTher

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Breaking Up – Why it Hurts and the Proof it Will Pass

Breaking up is really hard. Yes. It is.Good. Now that that’s cleared up, there’s some remarkable new research that explains why.

Romantic love is a specific form of addiction – there are similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving.

A study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology has found that a relationship breakup may feel so painful because it activates the part of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings.

There’s nothing sharp in the observation that breakups can send behavior a bit off the wall.

Though there’s nothing wrong with:

  • back-to-back doona days in a room that you haven’t left in days and which is cluttered with tissues, old photos (that may or may not be torn/ crumbled/ aimed at the bin) and DVD box sets;
  • obsessive googling of your horoscope in the hope that it turns up something about a ‘special meeting with a loved one’, or ‘she will leave him for her dream career – patting cats for rich busy people’, then, because perfect closure is excellent, ‘you will become a rich busy person. With a cat. And a rather wonderful someone’;
  • actually reaching 100 in your list of 100 Things I Always Hated About Him (you loved him yesterday remember, but go for it – just don’t send it to his mum);
  • posting regular Facebook updates with too many caps and exclamation marks like ‘Best. Night. EVER!!!’ Or ‘AH-MAZ-ING!!!! No words ;)’ when you actually spent the night crying into your cereal with Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ on repeat in that bedroom that is actually starting to smell like hate;

they generally fall just outside the lines of the everyday.

What They Did

The researchers recorded the brain activity of people who had recently been through a breakup, were still intensely in love with their ex, spent most of their waking hours thinking of them and desperately wanted the relationship back.

Participants were shown a photo of their former partner and then distracted from their romantic thoughts by completing a simple maths exercise. They then looked at a photo of a familiar ‘neutral’ person.

 

What They Found

Brain scans showed similarities between romantic rejection and cocaine craving. Looking at photos of their former partners stimulated key areas of the brain to a greater degree than looking at neutral photos. The key areas were:

  • a part of the mid-brain that controls motivation and reward;
  • an area associated with craving and addition, specifically the reward system also active in cocaine addiction;
  • the area associated with physical pain and distress.

And The Best Bit – The Proof It Will Pass

The study also found evidence that in relation to a breakup, ‘time heals.’

As time passed, brain imaging showed less activity in the area of the brain associated with attachment when the participants looked at photos of their former partners.

Breaking up feels awful and can feel like you’ve been sent on a lonely stint to crazy town. Let yourself drop your bundle for a bit (within reason – stalking and publicly bringing him/her down will never end well).

You’re going through a major upheaval and your brain and your body are going to take some time to adjust.

And they will adjust.

As awful as it feels, the pain won’t last forever. Now science has done a(nother) beautiful thing and given us the research that proves it.

6 Comments

Rick

Yes I feel a pain as she left to a different state but stopped texting. 3 weeks before she was going to leave we got a little cold with the relationship mainly from her. She said I was suspicious sometimes when I’ve only asked questions to understand her. She was married 2 times she told me, and I was ok with anything she said. Sometimes things didn’t seem to add up as she was evasive in a weird way. Anyway she stopped texting when she got down south. She was going there for only two months, checking on a doctors advice of operation for sciatica. She said it stressed her out sometimes just talking, which obviously was a red flag to me, figuring she could have wanted to be alone OR didn’t want to admit how she hurt me. It was easier just to slip out of sight I suppose. It hurt me. I mean I’m not dumb but it hurt!

Reply
Julia

I am experiencing intense pain, guilt and flashbacks, literally years after the end of my first real relationship, lasting 5 years, with a much older man. I couldn’t handle the age difference but didn’t feel able to end it either. I kept the relationship a secret from my family as I am sure they would have told me never to darken their doorstep again. In the end I had to leave the relationship quickly and unexpectedly, to avoid a breakdown. I rushed straight into another liaison (which was a disaster) but never grieved the original relationship or, importantly, returned to explain and apologise for the hurt I had caused. I simply felt too uncomfortable and anxious to make contact.Recently I learned that the man had died. All the stored-up guilt, sorrow and regrets have hit me, hard. Too late now to change things. Goes to show how important it is not to run from the prospect of breaking up because covering things up, as I did, doesn’t help and can make things so much worse all round.

Reply
Vickie M

I broke up with him on Christmas Day after six years. The last three had no emotional touch, and I always initiated any hug or kiss. We went from being close to barely talking or texting. Yet I feel horrible. In my head. I know we haven’t really been together for 3 years, but I hurt so much. I feel guilt. I feel like a horrible person. I know time will heal. I know God will take care of him and of me. I know this is necessary for the healing. But I forgot how painful heartbreak is. It is probably why I held on for so long.

Reply
Tati

How do you feel now that some time has passed? Are you better? I am going through horrendous breakup pain at the moment.

Reply
Kishore

I went through a breakup just yesterday. It feels like a doom. Feels sooo fu*kin awful!! I know I did the right thing breaking up with her because we want different things from Life…but still it hurts soo much! Reading this article gave me some hope. I know I will be better in a few weeks/months. Thankyou:))

Reply
Nathan

Im I’m so much pain right now . That I can’t control the sadness of my break up
. I miss them like crazy and can’t stop missing stuff ! Like the past

Reply

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karenyoung_heysigmund

Too many students are being stifled by anxiety, and this number is on the rise.

Far from being ‘another anxiety workshop’, this comprehensive approach will draw on neuroscience, evidence-based strategies, and highly respected therapeutic models in developing a fresh, impactful approach to working with anxiety in young people.

We will explore anxiety from the ground up, developing a ‘roadmap’ for a therapeutic response to anxiety that will include key information, powerful strategies, and new responses to anxiety to effect immediate and long-term change.

This workshop is for anyone who works with young people in any capacity.

Includes full catering, handbook and PD certificate.

For the full range of workshops in Australia and New Zealand, see the link in the bio.♥️

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Feb 5

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Too many students are being stifled by anxiety, and this number is on the rise. Far from being ‘another anxiety workshop’, this comprehensive approach will draw on neuroscience, evidence-based strategies, and highly respected therapeutic models in developing a fresh, impactful approach to working with anxiety in young people. We will explore anxiety from the ground up, developing a ‘roadmap’ for a therapeutic response to anxiety that will include key information, powerful strategies, and new responses to anxiety to effect immediate and long-term change. This workshop is for anyone who works with young people in any capacity. Includes full catering, handbook and PD certificate. For the full range of workshops in Australia and New Zealand, see the link in the bio.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

Relationship first, then learning and behaviour will follow. It can’t be any other way.

Anxious brains can’t learn, and brains that don’t feel safe will organise young bodies (all bodies) for fight, flight (avoidance, refusal, disengagement, perfectionism), or shutdown.

Without connection, warmth, a sense of belonging, feeling welcome, moments of joy, play, and levity, relational safety will be compromised, which will compromise learning and behaviour. It’s just how it is. Decades of research and experience are shouting this at us.

Yet, we are asking more and more of our teachers. The more procedural or curriculum demands we place on teachers, the more we steal the time they need to build relationships - the most powerful tool of their trade.

There is no procedure or reporting that can take the place of relationship in terms of ensuring a child’s capacity to learn and be calm.

There are two spaces that teachers occupy. Sometimes they can happen together. Sometimes one has to happen first.

The first is the space that lets them build relationship. The second is the space that lets them teach kids and manage a classroom. The second will happen best when there is an opportunity to fully attend to the first.

There is an opportunity cost to everything. It isn’t about relationships OR learning. It’s relationships AND learning. Sometimes it’s relationships THEN learning.

The best way we can support kids to learn and to feel calm, is to support teachers with the space, time, and support to build relationships.

The great teachers already know this. What’s getting in the way isn’t their capacity or their will to build relationships, but the increasing demands that insist they shift more attention to grades, curriculum, reporting, and ‘managing’ behaviour without the available resources to build greater physical (sensory, movement) and relational safety (connection, play, joy, belonging).

Relationships first, then the rest will follow.♥️

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Feb 4

Open
Relationship first, then learning and behaviour will follow. It can’t be any other way. Anxious brains can’t learn, and brains that don’t feel safe will organise young bodies (all bodies) for fight, flight (avoidance, refusal, disengagement, perfectionism), or shutdown. Without connection, warmth, a sense of belonging, feeling welcome, moments of joy, play, and levity, relational safety will be compromised, which will compromise learning and behaviour. It’s just how it is. Decades of research and experience are shouting this at us. Yet, we are asking more and more of our teachers. The more procedural or curriculum demands we place on teachers, the more we steal the time they need to build relationships - the most powerful tool of their trade. There is no procedure or reporting that can take the place of relationship in terms of ensuring a child’s capacity to learn and be calm. There are two spaces that teachers occupy. Sometimes they can happen together. Sometimes one has to happen first. The first is the space that lets them build relationship. The second is the space that lets them teach kids and manage a classroom. The second will happen best when there is an opportunity to fully attend to the first. There is an opportunity cost to everything. It isn’t about relationships OR learning. It’s relationships AND learning. Sometimes it’s relationships THEN learning. The best way we can support kids to learn and to feel calm, is to support teachers with the space, time, and support to build relationships. The great teachers already know this. What’s getting in the way isn’t their capacity or their will to build relationships, but the increasing demands that insist they shift more attention to grades, curriculum, reporting, and ‘managing’ behaviour without the available resources to build greater physical (sensory, movement) and relational safety (connection, play, joy, belonging). Relationships first, then the rest will follow.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

Love and lead.

First, we love. Validation lets them know we see them. Validation is a presence, not a speech. It’s showing our willingness to sit with them in the ‘big’ of it all, without needing to talk them out of how they feel.

It says, ‘I see you. I believe you that this feels big. Bring your feelings to me, because I can look after you through all of it.’

Then, we lead. Our response will lead theirs, not just this time, but well into the future.

If we support avoidance, their need to avoid will grow. The message we send is, ‘Maybe you aren’t safe here. Maybe you can’t handle this. Maybe your anxiety is telling the truth.’

Of course, if they truly aren’t safe, then avoidance is important.

But if they are safe and we support avoidance, we are inadvertently teaching them to avoid anything that comes with anxiety - and all brave, new, hard, important things will come with anxiety.

Think about job interviews, meeting new people, first dates, approaching someone to say sorry, saying no - all of these will come with anxiety.

The experiences they have now in being able to move forward with anxiety in scary-safe situations (like school) will breathe life into their capacity to do the hard, important things that will nourish and grow them for the rest of their lives. First though, they will be watching you for signs as to whether or not anxiety is a stop sign or a warning. The key to loving bravely and wholly is knowing the difference.

Teach them to ask themselves, ‘Do I feel like this because I’m in danger? (Is this scary dangerous?) Or because there’s something brave, new, hard, important I need to do. (Is this scary-safe?). Then, ‘Is this a time to be safe or brave?’

To show them we believe they are safe and capable, try, ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can do this.’ Then, give them a squeeze, hand them to a trusted adult, and give them a quick, confident goodbye. Their tears won’t hurt them, as long as they aren’t alone in their tears.

It doesn’t matter how small the steps are, as long as they are forward.♥️

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Jan 28

Open
Love and lead. First, we love. Validation lets them know we see them. Validation is a presence, not a speech. It’s showing our willingness to sit with them in the ‘big’ of it all, without needing to talk them out of how they feel. It says, ‘I see you. I believe you that this feels big. Bring your feelings to me, because I can look after you through all of it.’ Then, we lead. Our response will lead theirs, not just this time, but well into the future. If we support avoidance, their need to avoid will grow. The message we send is, ‘Maybe you aren’t safe here. Maybe you can’t handle this. Maybe your anxiety is telling the truth.’ Of course, if they truly aren’t safe, then avoidance is important. But if they are safe and we support avoidance, we are inadvertently teaching them to avoid anything that comes with anxiety - and all brave, new, hard, important things will come with anxiety. Think about job interviews, meeting new people, first dates, approaching someone to say sorry, saying no - all of these will come with anxiety. The experiences they have now in being able to move forward with anxiety in scary-safe situations (like school) will breathe life into their capacity to do the hard, important things that will nourish and grow them for the rest of their lives. First though, they will be watching you for signs as to whether or not anxiety is a stop sign or a warning. The key to loving bravely and wholly is knowing the difference. Teach them to ask themselves, ‘Do I feel like this because I’m in danger? (Is this scary dangerous?) Or because there’s something brave, new, hard, important I need to do. (Is this scary-safe?). Then, ‘Is this a time to be safe or brave?’ To show them we believe they are safe and capable, try, ‘I know this feels big, and I know you can do this.’ Then, give them a squeeze, hand them to a trusted adult, and give them a quick, confident goodbye. Their tears won’t hurt them, as long as they aren’t alone in their tears. It doesn’t matter how small the steps are, as long as they are forward.♥️

karenyoung_heysigmund

I`m so excited to be speaking about separation anxiety at the Childhood Potential Online Montessori Conference.

The conference will involve conversations with over 40 other experts, and will take place from 27-31 January 2025. This is for anyone who is an important adult to a young child or toddler.

I`d love you to join me. See more here
: http://childhoodpotential.com/?a_box=ncw8h43m&a_cam=1

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Jan 28

Open
I'm so excited to be speaking about separation anxiety at the Childhood Potential Online Montessori Conference. The conference will involve conversations with over 40 other experts, and will take place from 27-31 January 2025. This is for anyone who is an important adult to a young child or toddler. I'd love you to join me. See more here : http://childhoodpotential.com/?a_box=ncw8h43m&a_cam=1

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